Ho, ho, ho! We've got snow, snow, snow!
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho, ho!
[SIREN WAILING]
[GROANING]
Miami.
Humidity will k*ll you.
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
Donner, Blitzen.
[GRUNTING]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
[BOTH GASP]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
-[BIRDS CHIRPING] -[CAR HONKING]
[SQUAWKS]
[SQUEAKING]
Boy, having these guys around sure makes things more Christmassy, eh, Spike?
[CHATTERING]
-Yeah, mine are numb, too. -[BANGING ON DOOR]
Do your thing, boss monkey man.
Sushi, yummy, yummy.
Phew!
Ugly landlord alert.
Yes?
Oh, Ebenezer Scrooge.
-[GROWLS] -What's that?
I think I hear The Ghost of Christmas Past paging you.
-[MISTLETOE TINKLING] -Ooh.
Garlic... Keeps the bloodsuckers away.
I didn't come for the rent, Ventura.
One of my walls is icing over.
I've been meaning to talk to you about that, Mr. Shickadance.
My heater's not working.
I believe that violates some sort of renter's right, doesn't it?
Skip the routine, Ventura.
The place is called Surfside Apartments, not Snowside Apartments.
No snow allowed.
Well, I regret to inform you, old Shickypants,
but the sign outside says, "No pets."
And until it says, "No snow," see you later!
[GRUNTING]
La-hoo-se-her.
[RINGING]
-Ace here. -[SANTA TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Oh.
Oh, Donner and Blitzen? Really?
Please, the fate of Christmas depends on the return of my reindeer.
Well, if you're really Santa Claus,
you'd know what you got me last year, huh, huh?
Can you answer that, mister?
Can you?
Yes, that would be the Madame Bouffant home hairstyler, deluxe model.
Your Majesty, King of Elves, I'm on my way.
I'm on a very big case, Mr. Shickadance.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[GASPS]
[BRAKES SCREECH]
ACE: Happy holidays, then! Bye-bye now!
Ventura!
And when I emerged, they had disappeared. Vanished.
Amazing! You look exactly like I remember you.
All righty, then.
Hmm.
A highly common combination of gravel and roofing tar.
I don't recommend eating it. Sticks to the teeth, gums up the plumbing.
However, it makes for an excellent lead.
Huh?
Monkeys are smart. They know where to forage.
[HOOTING]
In this case, it would be your facial flavor saver or beard.
My guess is he's found homemade fruitcake crumbs
which may have collected there during your long journey.
Uh, peanut brittle, actually.
[CHUCKLES]
So, uh, know of anyone here in Miami who hates your guts?
-What? -The motive, man.
There's no ransom note, so that leaves revenge.
Well, I...
We'll start with your naughty list. Cough it up.
It's as good a place as any to fish for suspects.
Chill out at my place. This could take a while.
Suspect number one.
Akak's been a naughty fat fried burger clown.
Let's hope he hasn't added , pounds of flying venison to the menu.
[SQUEAKING]
We'll need disguises.
[GROANS, GASPS]
Reindeer to go. I guess he used the drive-through.
[GRUNTING]
All right, you, hand over the...
Toys?
My profound apologies, greasy burger laugh master.
Okay, naughty guy, hand over those reindeer or else...
All righty, then.
I'm looking for... [SCREAMS]
[GASPING, GROANING]
Hand over!
Hand it over! Hand over! Hand it over!
Hey, hey, hey!
[YELLING, SCREAMING]
All right, you, you...
Larry Asnavor.
Asnavor? Aren't we out of the A's yet? Hands up!
-[FRENCH ACCENT] All right. Don't sh**t. -[ACCORDION MUSIC]
Maybe I will, maybe I won't, see?
You're gonna spill, see?
-Now, talk. -Okay, okay.
A big caper is going down tonight, a joint called the Louvre.
ACE: Forget that!
Where are Prancer and the guys? Where are the reindeer?
I don't know. Why don't you ask those two guys over there?
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
Spank you very much.
Season's greetings, merry gentlemen.
If that's a sack full of toys for the children's orphanage, I'm a monkey's uncle.
-[YELLS] -Did I not make myself clear?
Christmas will not be destroyed while I'm on the case!
[SCREAMING]
Hold it!
He's got me. The monkey's uncle's got me.
[BAWLING]
[GASPS]
MAN: So long, jerk.
Uh-oh!
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMING]
-[SCREAMING] -[CRASHING]
[EXHALES]
-[TEETH CHATTERING] -[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
-[GROANS] -[HEAVENLY MUSIC]
I see a white light.
Ace!
-ACE: Emilio. Flabby guy with onion breath. -[GRUNTS]
Ace, you almost k*lled us.
That's not important right now.
I need you to put out an APB on all helicopters in the Greater Miami area.
[CHUCKLING] Why, Ventura?
Somebody steal Santa's reindeer?
[LAUGHING]
Heh, heh. Two somebodies, Aguado. They got away in a copter.
This lab coat belongs to one of them.
Ace, it's really hard for me to help you when you talk crazy talk.
I may be cracked, but I'm not crazy.
We were reared on Santa's reindeer.
We have to get to the bottom of this.
Sorry, Ace. I got to run.
ACE: Don't talk to me about running.
I happen to be going to a fundraising formal
with half of Miami's police force.
Here's your evidence, Ventura.
Well, you boys go ahead and enjoy your little yuletide back-patting party.
-[GRUNTS] I'll be busy saving Christmas! -[ENGINE STARTS]
[SNIFFING]
Huh?
This has a rather distinct odor. Or, should I say fragrance?
Ladies' perfume on a thug?
Research.
[SNIFFING]
-You shopping for someone special? -Sure am, ma'am.
I am shopping for a guilty egg-sucking dirtbag.
[SNIFFING]
I saw you fall off the roof before. Are you a cop?
Private d*ck, a line of work which can also involve extreme physical duress,
not to mention daintier tasks which allow me to keep in touch
with my feminine side.
[SNIFFING]
[THUDS]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Respiratory trauma brought on by, pee-yew, excessive perfume inhalation.
He'll pull through.
I tried to make him stop.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Perfume! Must try more!
But you've tried them all.
No! There must be an eau de toilette,
a bath bead, a cologne, a cedar egg!
[CRYING]
What is this?
Oh, that's Odora, our most popular brand.
What brand do you wear?
Uh, Odora.
[SNIFFING]
Ah...
Comparison shoppers say, "All righty, then."
[CAR BRAKES SCREECH]
[GRUNTING]
Hmm.
Yes, time to do some disrepair work,
a little something I call sabotage.
Clever.
That's why you're the big boss monkey man and I'm not.
A-ha!
All righty, boys, Ace is here for you.
Say hello to freedom, sweet freedom!
-[SCREAMING] -[GROWLING]
Whoa!
Blitzer, what big teeth you have.
It's that jerk. He survived the fall.
That's right. I'm like a cat. I have nine lives.
[GRUNTS] And two butts. One of which I'm wearing has a very large hat.
Grab the boss. Something just came down our chimney.
And so we gratefully accept the generous contribution made
to Miami's Police Department by our delightful hostess.
A round of applause for our very special lady, Atrocia Odora.
[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Yo, ho, ho.
It's ho, ho, ho.
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
-Excuse me, officers, while I... -[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
...powder my nose.
Hiya, hayu, hiya! [YELLING]
-[SPIKE SCREECHING] -Bad monkey. Bad monkey.
-Hi-yah! -[SPIKE CHATTERING]
[SNIFFS]
You mixed fragrances.
You should never mix fragrances.
They're clashing louder than your shirt.
ACE: Cut the chitchat, skunkworthy.
Where are the reindeer? What do you want with them?
Who wants to know?
Ace Ventura, pet detective. Your worst nightmare.
The kind that makes you twist in your sheets
after eating a spicy burrito verde bigger than your head.
The kind I'm gonna have now that I've seen your face.
Destroy him.
ACE: You won't leave.
I know your type, can't stand the sight of a corpse
who hasn't had its life enriched by hearing your scheme.
Doesn't bother me.
[SCOFFS] Three, two...
Okay, you're right. I can't stand it. I'll talk.
-Sure, I abducted the reindeer. -[ACE VOCALIZING]
I'm in the business of beauty, but beauty has one undefeated enemy.
Stop that! I am still speaking. Listen to my plan.
You wanted to hear it. Stop!
[YELLING] Thwack!
[ACE CONTINUES VOCALIZING]
Now, as I was saying...
[GASPS]
-[ACE CONTINUING VOCALIZING] -[SPIKE CHATTERING]
-Hey! -As I was saying, the enemy of beauty is gravity.
As we age, our skin begins to sag in the face,
below the arms, this bit under the--
I don't need to know the rest. [GROANS]
Anyhow, Santa's reindeer have somehow defied the laws of gravity.
They fly without wings.
The answer surely lies in their sensational glandular activity.
I want their precious glands.
Gilbert, visual aid.
The gland extractor will suck them drier than beef jerky.
Then their secretions will be mine.
[WHIMPERING]
You see, Odora Industries is just a convenient front
to finance my search for the ultimate age reversing formula,
be it found in powdered horn of speckled rhinoceros
or epidermal pigment of albino alligator.
[GROWLING]
ACE: Your beauty tricks have really done you wonders.
You're a , baby. On the rigor mortis scale.
Enough chitchat. I have a Christmas party to host.
Mr. Ventura, you're about to luxuriate in the raw ingredients
for Odora facial exfoliant number five
during the fermenting process.
The vat temperature will reach degrees Fahrenheit.
That ought to burn off some of my unsightly nasal warts.
Oh, I assure you Odora number five
will leave your skin tingling with a nice, warm afterglow. [CHUCKLES]
In your case, for eternity.
Thwack, throw him in.
[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
Camera's ready.
Roll!
WOMAN : We're here live at Odora Industries on this Christmas Eve,
where a generous charitable donation has been made
to our own Miami Police Department.
[WHIMPERING]
-GILBERT: Time to throw you in the bubbly, bubbly. -[SQUEAKING]
ACE: Wait!
I feel a moral obligation to inform you
that my monkey has cleverly slipped away
and is clearly sending for help.
[CHATTERING]
-[CRYING] No! No! I'm too young! -[SQUEAKING]
I've never been to Spain!
-I'm allergic to make-up! -[GROWLING]
-[GROWLING] -[BOTH SCREAMING]
ACE: That's right, fellas.
Mess with me and you mess with the jungle.
[GROWLING]
[SCREAMING]
Do not go in there.
Whoo!
Gee, cops.
Hmm.
-[SQUEAKING] -I advise you to arrest this woman
for the abduction of Santa's reindeer!
[ALL LAUGHING]
Oh, my arms.
MAN: [ON TV] He says, "I haven't had a bite all day, so I bit him."
[CHANNELS FLIPPING]
[SCREAMING ON TV]
[GASPS] I'll never make my rounds on time.
I told you there's no food here.
The monkey got it all.
Come on, guys. I'll send for donuts.
Stand on my head while caroling.
Okay, okay, my last offer.
Arrest her and I'll dance with my shirt off.
Come on, Ace. You don't have any evidence.
Now get out of here before someone arrests you.
Okay. If you won't arrest her, arrest me.
Come on, bet you can't catch me.
Arrest him! He's disturbing the peace!
[PANTING]
I'll show you evidence.
No, don't arrest him. Because...
-Dessert is served. -[EXCITED CHATTER]
There's your evidence. Arrest those men.
[MAN LAUGHS]
Hello, police! Need some help here!
You...
[GULPS]
All righty, then.
[LAUGHING] A Merry Christmas to one and all,
and to Santa's reindeer, a good night!
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHING]
[ACE GROANING]
-Yo, ho, ho! -SANTA: That's ho, ho, ho!
Santa!
-Ho, ho, ho... -[GRUNTS]
Better not pout, boys, 'cause Santa Claus is coming to town.
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
[YELLS]
I can't see.
[SCREAMING]
[CRASHING]
Phew.
[GROWLING]
Easy does it, Tex. I gave at the Red Cross.
Whoo!
ACE: Loser!
Yeehaw! Yeehaw! Ooh!
There's trouble down on the prairie.
Better circle up the wagons, Martha.
-[HISSING] -[YELLING]
-It's gonna blow! -[ALL YELLING]
[ACE SCREAMING]
I must say, big fella, you're quite the street fighter.
Self-defense classes.
I have to fly through some pretty hairy neighborhoods, you know.
[SCREAMING]
Yo, ho, ho!
That's ho, ho, ho.
Hi-ho, reindeer! Away!
Merry Christmas, Ace!
Thank you!
Wait till you see my bill. Spike!
[CHATTERING]
-[STOMACH BUBBLING] -[GASPS]
-[RETCHING] -[GASPS]
My Armani.
She cannot handle the pressure, captain!
She's gonna blow!
I'm coming for you, Spike!
AGUADO: Give me that, you little rat!
Re-united!
Feels so good!
Aguado, I hope you're dreaming of a white Christmas, 'cause...
[GROWLING, ROARING]
[SCREAMING]
That's right.
It's an albino alligator, thus endangered and highly illegal.
Footnote, Miami police code, page , article seven, paragraph two.
Yes! Yes! Do you feel that, huh? Do you, huh? Do you?
La-hoo-se-her!
Even if her Odora number five really does make your skin feel great.
[LAUGHING] Well, a little Miami Beach sunshine
ought to get you back some color.
Which reminds me, I got this for you.
Extra large.
It'll help you think warm on those cold North Pole nights,
and it'll go great with the new do.
Well, I... I had time to k*ll.
I thought it was time for a new look, man.
-Kind of hip, eh, dude? I had to do something. -Mmm-hmm.
-It's absolutely nerve-wracking. -Uh-huh.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]