[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura...
Alrighty then.
♪ Pet Detective on the run...
[CACKLING]
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]
♪ Ace Ventura...
[LAUGHING]
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n...
Yes! Yes!
[SCREAMS]
[BELLOWING]
[POLAR BEAR GASPS]
[CHIRPING]
[BLEATING]
[ALLIGATOR GROWLING]
[SCREAMS]
[HISSING]
[ROARING]
[SCREAMING]
♪ Ace Ventura...
[HORN HONKING]
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.
[ANIMAL SOUNDS]
♪ Pet Detective on the run ♪
[CHUCKLING]
-[FANFARE PLAYING] -[CROWD CHEERING]
[WHISTLES]
Keep a sharp look out, Spike.
Horses have been stolen from every stable,
riding school, and equestrian center in the area.
My hunch says the racetrack is gonna be hit next.
MAN: Hey! Stable guy!
Cut the chit-chat and get to work!
[SNIFFS]
[WINCES]
You know, Spike, I really think we ought to trade disguises.
Uh-uh.
-[BELL RINGING] -ANNOUNCER: [ON SPEAKER] And they're off!
Oopsy Daisy has taken an early lead, followed by Pardon Me.
Gutsy Action's moving fast
and Blowing through the field is Silent but Deadly.
They're coming around the clubhouse turn,
and it looks like Flatulence is bringing up the rear!
[SOBBING]
[SHRIEKS]
[SHOUTS] You did what?
[GIBBERING SOFTLY]
You bet our entire life savings on Flatulence?
I deplore the exploitation of horses in any form!
Especially for gambling.
-ANNOUNCER:Wait a minute! -Huh?
Three more horses have entered the race!
[BANJO MUSIC PLAYING]
ALL: Yee-haw! [EXCLAIMING]
-[NEIGHING] -[SCREAMING]
[FREE-FALLING]
[CHEERING]
[POPPING]
Horse rustlers?
Partner, lets head them off at the pass.
Yip, yip, yip, yip, yip! Yee-haw!
Whoo-hoo!
Oops. [CHUCKLES]
Hi-ho, Silver!
-Outta here! -[NEIGHS]
Whoa! Whoa!
Please! Whoa!
-ALL: Huh? -Head on out boys. This one's mine.
[CACKLES]
Lasers?
What kind of cowboys are these?
Whoa!
[GROANS]
[STRAINING]
[GROANS] Oh, man.
That thing stops on a dime.
[GROANS]
-[HORSES NEIGHING] -[SHRIEKS]
[NEIGHING]
[SPITS] Thanks for the warning, Spike.
Oops.
Alrighty then.
Yee-haw!
Ahhh!
Huh? Gravy. Uh-oh.
Ahhh!
[GURGLING] Ahhh!
-Argh! -[WHIRRING]
[CACKLES]
[GASPS]
[SCREAMING]
[GIBBERING]
I don't care if Gassy Action is paying three to one,
I am not lending you the money.
[GIBBERING]
They were here all right.
[SNIFFS]
I'd say about hours, minutes and ... No, seconds ago.
And while that may sound like a big lead, it isn't!
'Cause, we've got the big wheels!
[ENGINE REVVING]
Isn't the West beautiful, Spike?
It's majestic big sky
and wide open spaces extend for miles in a magnificent panorama.
-And this letterbox shot doesn't hurt either. -[SPIKE GIBBERING]
[ALL CAWING]
[ENGINE SIZZLING]
I hate the West!
[WHISTLING]
[CRIES] We'll never find them
in this stupid, endless, big-sky wasteland!
Where would a bunch of horse rustlers go anyway?
What the...
I had a dog and his name was Bingo!
[WHISTLES]
[GIBBERING]
All right! [GRUMBLES]
[GROANS]
Hmm.
Well, time to put those moseying lessons to good use.
Ka-chink, ka-chink, ka-chink...
Name your poison, mister.
I am a saddle tramp who has worked up a powerful thirst,
and would like a sarsaparilla, Western barkeep-type guy.
Leave the bottle.
[LAUGHING]
[GROANS]
Welcome to Deadsville, mister!
I'm Grubby, the old prospector.
[SPITS]
AUDIENCE:Ew!
I think you missed the spittoon.
[SPITS]
AUDIENCE:Ew!
That was my other shoe.
[LAUGHS] Sorry, mister.
I don't see too good, but I can sniff out gold better than anybody!
[SNIFFS]
Ahhh!
-[STRUGGLING] -Here's a nugget now!
Do not go in there!
ALL: Yee-haw!
[ALL WHOOPING]
[WHISTLING]
[RETCHES]
[CROWD CHEERING]
How do, I'm Sadie.
Do you got a name, stranger?
Ace Ventura, Pet...
Bounty Hunter.
What brings you to Deadsville,
Ace?
-[SPITS] -AUDIENCE: Ew!
Well, I was wondering if you friendly townsfolk
could help me find some horse rustlers.
[GASPS]
Well, this here's a quiet town.
We don't want no trouble.
[ALL TALKING]
I think maybe you outta leave town.
Do you get the impression they're hiding something?
It's them ornery, no-good, thieving Slayton Brothers.
Got everyone in this town scared gutless!
Except Ace.
He's the only real man 'round here!
Spank you.
I've fallen for you, Ace.
Hard!
Well, are you gonna stand there or are you gonna kiss me?
Gee, let me think...
[KISSING CONTINUES]
Ugh!
[LASERS FIRING]
The Slayton Brothers are in town!
And they're headed this way!
-[GASPS] -[HORSES NEIGHING]
[BOTH COUGHING]
[IMITATES DEEP VOICE] That was my drink, pilgrim!
What'd you say, tin horn?
You wouldn't happen to know where I could buy
-some stolen horses, now, would ya? -[g*ns COCKING]
"Stolen"?
You callin' us thieves?
Them's fightin' words!
Stolen? [LAUGHS] Did I say, "Stolen?"
I meant borrowed without asking!
You best get on outta here, Duke!
He ain't afraid of you none!
Actually, I'm scared to the very marrow of my bones,
but don't tell them.
Why you lily-livered, yella-bellied coward!
[LAUGHS] Maybe he wants to dance, Duke?
[SCREAMS]
Don't mind if I do!
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Grab the rustler do-si-do
♪ Pull his hat and tweak his nose
♪ Swing the rustler 'round and 'round
♪ Let him go he hits the ground
♪ Call out left and call out right
♪ Call him a name and start a fight
♪ Fake him high and hit him low
♪ Pull his hair and stomp his toe ♪
[SCREAMS]
Luke, get the rope.
We're gonna treat this cowpoke to a little party.
Yeah. A little necktie party!
[LAUGHS]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[GULPS] Gee. Nobody told me it was formal.
[SLAYTON BROTHERS LAUGHING]
You're gonna swing, tin horn.
I think it only fair to warn you
that my faithful simian sidekick
is prepared to jump you as soon as I give the signal.
You mean this?
[GIBBERING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
-[LASER FIRES] -BOTH: Huh?
Fun's over, boys.
You stay outta this, Sheriff.
This ain't none of your business.
Why don't you all saddle on up, and ride outta town
real peaceful-like?
Excellent idea!
It's been a pleasure. Y'all come back now!
-[EXCLAIMS] -[SHRIEKS]
I'm calling you out, Sheriff.
Draw, Duke.
Draw, Duke... [STAMMERS] Draw...
-[REPEATEDLY] Draw, Duke. -Gee.
It seems there's a tin man behind that tin star.
-DUKE: Let's get outta here, boys! -[HORSES NEIGH]
-[EXCLAIMS] -SHERIFF: Draw, Duke. Draw...
-[ALL TALKING] -SHERIFF: [REPEATEDLY] Draw, Duke...
Oh, we get the idea.
[SKIPPING] Draw, Duke. Draw...
[GASPS] He's a robot!
-[MUMBLING] -Robot? Who's he calling a robot?
-BARTENDER: What's a robot? -Kooky.
Shouldn't someone say a few words?
Well, he was fast. Real fast.
But Duke was faster.
[CROWD MUMBLING]
[GASPS] They're all robots!
Sadie was right when she said I was the only man around here!
[GASPS] Sadie's a robot too!
Ugh! I kissed a robot!
[GAGGING]
I am Professor Ibsen.
I built this town, and everyone in it.
Reeheeheally?
This telegraph office is my workshop
where I designed, and built my old-west-theme tourist resort.
But, before I could open it to the public,
the Slayton Brothers terrorized the town,
kidnaped my assistant, Ernie, and tied me up.
A likely story, Luke.
How do I know you're not a robot, huh?
[STRAINING] Because you're hurting my face.
Sorry, I like to take precautions.
After all, your Slayton Brothers
have been roaming the countryside, stealing valuable horses.
It must be a malfunction.
They weren't programmed to do that.
I just hope my assistant is all right.
Don't worry, Geppetto.
When I find the missing horses,
I'll find your assistant, Ernie.
Time for a showdown!
[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]
[FIRING]
[SHRIEKS]
[SCREAMS]
[CHUCKLES]
Don't go, Ace!
You can't go after them Slayton's alone.
Why, they're the best sh*ts this side of Tombstone!
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
They can put out the eye of scorpion at , feet.
And if a man's gotta turn tail and run,
then that's what this man's gotta do!
[GROANS]
[LAUGHS]
ACE: Citizens of Deadsville!
Maybe you are just a bunch of robots,
but were you all programed to be sniveling, gutless, craven cowards?
-Robots? -[ALL TALKING]
Who's he calling a robot?
You have the chance to be real men!
Will you join me in facing down the Slaytons?
[SHRIEKS]
You could at least provide a little moral support, Spike.
I'm with ya, stranger!
I been minin' these hills for pert near years.
And know 'em like the back of my hand!
Then let's ride, Grubby.
[SPITS]
After I buy you a spittoon.
[GRUBBY SPITTING]
They just gotta be around here somewheres!
I thought you said you knew these hills like the back of your hand.
Well, I ain't actually looked at them in a while.
[LASERS FIRING]
It's the Slaytons!
DUKE: We got ya pinned down, tin horn!
You swing around and I'll sh**t them.
[SCREAMING]
[GROANS]
[SCREAMS]
[GROANS]
[HORSE NEIGHS]
[EXCLAIMS] Just as I expected!
Yes, yes, yes!
[SHOUTS] Am I good?
Come on boys, let's get outta here!
[CHUCKLES] Howdy, tin horn.
[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
Come on, Grubby! Take them!
Too bad 'bout Grubby.
He was a crazy old coot.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Grubby!
No!
I'm mourning a robot?
It's gold!
There must be tons of it!
We're rich. Rich! Rich!
Tell you what.
I'll take the horses, and you guys can keep my share of the gold.
How 'bout we keep the gold and the horses?
[LAUGHS] Well!
You leave me no choice, Duke Slayton.
[CRYING] Please don't sh**t me!
That's the most lily-livered, yella-bellied thing I ever heard.
Why, spank you. I get a lot of practice in my high-risk line of work.
Snake!
[NEIGHING]
[THUDDING]
[SCREAMS]
[GASPS]
[SKIPPING] It's getting dark.
Look what he done to Jake!
He's gonna pay for this!
-[LASERS FIRING] -[SCREAMS]
Okay, this is your last chance to surrender!
[SCREAMS]
-Ah! -[GASPS]
Woah...
-[NEIGHS] -Hey, fellas!
One lump or two?
[SPITS]
Looks like it's just you and me, pilgrim.
Oops.
[g*n FIRING]
[LASER RICOCHETING]
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Can ya feel it, pilgrim?
Huh? Huh? Can ya?
[POWERING UP]
[SCREAMS]
[EXCLAIMS]
That calls for a fresh change of shorts.
-Yee-haw! -[ALL NEIGHING]
Whoa! A-ha!
Everyone inside!
[ALL NEIGHING]
-All aboard! -[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
I think we can all relax now.
[CRASHING]
You're really starting to annoy me!
[GROWLING]
[GROWLING INTENSIFIES]
[SCREAMS]
[GROANS]
[CRIES]
[CRASHES]
[GASPS]
[YELPS]
[SCREAMS]
[GASPS]
Ace! Are you all right?
[GROWLS]
[GROWLS]
You're a loser!
-You guys okay? -[WHINNYING]
Citizens of Deadsville!
You no longer need to fear the Slayton Brothers!
[CHEERING]
My inventions... They were failures.
Not quite. They were reprogrammed.
By whom?
[SPITS]
Hold it right there, mister.
Good work, Spike!
How could you, Grubby?
No, not Grubby.
-ACE: Ernie! -Hey!
-Ernie? -Who's Ernie?
The Professor's assistant!
Who reprogrammed the Slayton Brothers to be real outlaws
so, he could steal valuable horses,
and make a fortune selling them on the black market.
How'd you know it was me?
Elementary, my dear traitor.
The Slaytons had gold dust on their boots but you didn't.
Very unusual for an old prospector
who'd been mining those hills for years!
Oh, by the way.
-I believe this belongs to you. -[GASPS]
No!
-[SPITTOON SPLASHING] -[ERNIE GROANS]
[CHEERING]
We don't know how to thank you, mister.
Except maybe...
This.
We'd like you to stay and be the new town sheriff.
We could get married and settle down!
[STRUGGLING]
That's a mighty tempting offer, but I just can't stay.
Why not?
Well, you're all robots!
Robot?
Who's he calling a robot?
What's a robot?
[GIBBERING]
Okay, let me put it like this.
I am a lone avenger,
and my destiny is to roam the West
rescuing towns from bad guys.
-Well, when you put it like that. -Well, okay.
-[ALL TALKING] -Works for me.
Let's move them out.
CROWD: Goodbye!
ACE: Wacky robots!
[POWERING UP]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]