This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
Let me tell you a story.
It's a story about me.
My stories have made you cry.
My stories have made you shout.
My stories have even made you
turn your life around.
But this is a story
about how it all began.
Feeling very blessed today.
My name is Taylor Pherry.
Feeling very blessed today.
Look how blessed I feel.
Now you've seen my movies
and watched my TV shows.
That's okay.
But before all that, I was
what you might
call an entrepreneur.
A jack of all trades.
A captain of industry.
My baby.
And a lover of fine cars.
By day I judiciously defend
the innocent.
Damnit. Case closed.
While making emergency
house call surgeries.
Stand back, doctors.
I am a doctor and I don't need
another doctor telling me how to
be doctoring.
Oh, this patient dead.
Then after my luxury hotel
and engineering firm meetings,
I make time for some
zero-emission food delivery
to keep myself in touch...
Grossmates!
...with common people.
Here you are, sir.
What? This is it?
That'll be $75.
But to truly understand how
I became the
entertainment titan,
you all know today, we
need to start at the
beginning.
And the beginning began
with Hoprah Windfall.
I'm a little disappointed
that my 27th sl*ve movie
didn't farewell at
the box office.
I mean, I'm sure you all liked
it, right?
Whatever.
Anyway, I still have my show,
my magazine.
I have my school in Africa,
and of course,
Dr. Bill and Dr. Loz.
But the time has come
for me to find a successor.
Someone to carry the torch.
Someone who embodies the
intelligence and power needed
for the betterment of all
strong women.
God willing,
I shall find my successor!
Hoprah was on a mission,
but little did we know
someone else
was looking to reinspire hope
and faith in the masses
as well.
And this is where our story
truly begins.
If I rule the world,
I do everything.
Drive through to heaven!
Where the hell is God?
He still ain't here.
He still ain't answering
none of our prayers, man.
It's Sunday,
so he's gonna take all day.
He may be late,
but he's always on time.
He was on time
when he took my Granny.
Oh, you know what?
Sometimes I just
have to swear to me.
Good me almighty!
Just rolling through the clouds.
This is usually my day of rest,
but I'm feeling like something.
Hashtag Holy Davidson!
Holy Davidson!
I'm coming. I'm on my way.
Oh, shit. God's here.
Let's get to the meeting.
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Y'all better have something good
for me. 'Cause you know what?
That's right.
G-O-D! G-O-D! G-O-D!
I'm pissed.
The hell is going on?
Is that what this is about?
Pitch meeting
over some unanswered prayers?
Tell y'all,
y'all owe me right now.
Y'all had me watching that...
uh, uh, uh... Held Up.
The little fella, Jamie Foxx.
With that hairline,
was all over the place.
That hairline, that teeth.
My bad.
Shit, held up my time.
I'mma start snatching wings.
I'm just kidding. You can keep
your wings.
For now.
Ching! Ching ching!
Oh!
You know what?
I was thinking that we can erase
the Will Smith Oscar slap.
I agree.
I like that.
Great guy. Great idea.
But he did, boy, that was
a hell of a slap, though.
He slapped three jokes outta
that m*therf*cker, didn't he?
He did.
Come on, man. Come on, man.
Slap the funny out of him.
Is that good?
That was good.
Well, what about reparations?
-That works, right?
-Yeah.
Lemme think about that.
300,000 apiece.
But then after the BBLs,
after the Cristal,
after the Jordans, everything.
What'd that leave you?
Like $1,700?
Carry the one.
Nah, we ain't gonna do that.
They made it this far,
this long, they can do it.
These Black people gonna have to
figure out a different way.
Is that too much?
Is that too much? I just wanna
see how it played out.
How about a beautiful,
intelligent female president
next election?
-Great.
-Go on, with yourself.
I can work with that.
But listen,
don't let the house secretary do
the hair 'cause "weave"
got a long way to go.
True.
I saw where you went with that.
Come on now. Come on.
Hey, you ain't laughing.
Don't get cast down.
You know what I did to
Beelzebub.
Well wait, what if we do
a Kardashian show
with Tristan and Khloe called
"All My Side Children"?
-What y'all think?
-Great idea.
Oh, my God. Oh my me.
Y'all like that?
Y'all like that?
I don't like it. You go to hell!
Damn. Damn.
No, I'm sorry!
It was fat-ass Petey's pitch!
When new angels start falling,
I know you need me.
Well, I gotta roll.
Meeting's over.
I gotta go save the world.
All right. Y'all carry on.
That's God.
Hey, Hoprah,
what's going on?
What do you mean
what's going on?
You're not watching my show?
I need you to find someone
who is worthy...
-Huh?
-...of continuing my legacy.
What'd you say?
You heard what I said.
You find a hero for us women
or you're canceled.
And tell Jesus to call me back!
Huh?
It's hard being God, man.
That ain't gonna be no
easy task, even for him.
And so God's search began
for someone
who could carry Hoprah's torch,
and empower the women of the
world.
But we all know that
whenever God gives an
assignment,
the devil always tries to get
in the way and block
your blessing.
I'll tell you, I don't know
who the hell he thinks he is.
I'm going to screw this whole
plan up.
This is my auntie,
MaDude.
Bring your ancient ass
down here and eat now.
If God can use her,
God can use anybody.
I can't be late today.
Taylor coming by and I'm gonna
need your help to get this
barbecue together.
Bring your old ass down here.
Who the hell you calling old?
Been sitting here for 10 days.
Well, hell, I was calling your
ass old. You answered to it,
is you dumb, too?
Know damn well I ain't old.
sh**t, no.
And what the hell you got all
this shit hooked up to you for,
anyway?
Hell, I need all this shit.
This shit right here
is keeping me alive.
That's my little oxygen t*nk
right there so I don't have to
smell you all day.
Got my little pump over there.
This shit right here is about to
k*ll me.
But what the hell you wanna
stay alive for anyway?
Shit, you old as hell.
I ain't too old to know
terrible cooking when I see it.
The hell you done made?
Boy, that's some eggs
and some chicken and some--
The hell you got
a fried breast implant in here?
You ain't supposed to have
feathers in the damn eggs.
Look at that.
Boy, that is seasoning,
you old kook.
That's what that is.
Seasoning my... I ain't seen no,
not a Lawry's on here,
not a spec of salt or pepper.
Now, what is this?
Got a damn chicken foot up in
here. Look, it got two of 'em.
Look at this,
with the nails on it
and everything.
Well, ain't you heard that every
good chef put their foot in it?
Oh Lord, stink too.
Just like you.
Boy, I swear I want to k*ll your
ass right here.
I just wanna step on your face.
You know, woman, you a deadly
combination of ugly and dumb
equally. Hell.
Now, where you trying to run off
to with your little ugly ass
dress on?
-Taylor is coming to help me.
-Who?
Taylor is your son, now.
You know your son--
Hell, shit. You know how he
ain't my son. You know why?
'Cause the boy is delicate.
I'm so tired of you talking
about your son, Taylor,
like that.
That's my favorite nephew.
Ain't nobody
in my family delicate but him.
Just 'cause the Black man is
educated, keep himself clean,
well groomed,
looking nice
don't mean that he is delicate.
The boy is eclectic.
He ain't no damn eclectic.
I know eclectic.
Hell,
Patti LaBelle was eclectic.
-Plus, I don't even think
he my son.
-You know what?
Waiting for the results from
Maury. He ain't my damn son.
I swear. You know what?
You should just go head and die.
Just get it on over with.
Hell, your penis done
passed away already--
You keep my penis out your mouth
now. Hell, talking about my
penis,
my penis is just fine. Long as I
got my, what you call it,
Niagra?
My... The Lavitra.
And Cealis. I'm good to go.
That's what they tell me.
Where the hell you good to go
to, the clinic? Hell, the ED
clinic?
No, I got the libido of a
25-year-old man.
Spell libido. I'll give you $5.
Go ahead and do it.
-L...
-That's what I thought.
I'm done talking to your old
ass. Eat that damn food, boy.
As you'll see,
my true life's purpose had
not yet been revealed.
But that all changed the day
I was put on the righteous path.
The day my destiny began.
The day I met God.
Man.
What should we use today?
Let's see saints and sinners,
that look nice.
I could have swore I seen... No.
I must be going crazy.
Now, I know I did not leave that
TV on, and why is it staticky?
Doesn't I pay the bill?
This must be HD.
Taylor Pherry,
how am I doing?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-Very perceptive, my son.
-Oh, my God. Oh, oh my God.
Relax, relax, relax. Dude,
chill out.
Are you really God?
Don't tell me you was expecting
Jim Carrey or something.
Well, Morgan Freeman, actually.
You know he play in all
the pictures.
Morgan Freeman, I ain't no
Morgan Freeman.
Now listen, you know Hoprah,
right?
Yeah.
Well, she needs to find
someone that can empower
the women of the world,
and I need your help because
my son, you are blessed.
God said I was blessed.
Am I highly favored, too?
Okay. I have lost my mind.
I'm crazy.
You, sir, are going to
have to learn how to respect
Black women.
Coming in all times of the
night,
assaulting her because she found
out about your affairs.
But Your Honor, I didn't have an
affair. I'm not even
like married.
You didn't have an affair?
What do you call all those girls
from the music video, huh?
I don't do music videos.
So you get 'em on the casting
couch? Hit it, then quit it,
right?
No, I've never met these women
before. I don't even sing.
Well, you're a man that's been
accused. That makes you guilty.
Three years.
Case closed. Next case.
I'm getting locked up
for something I didn't even do.
Court calls Roland Lewis.
Guilty. Case closed. Next case.
But I'm a white man
wearing a suit.
Get your ass out my courtroom.
Should have a chance
to defend myself.
Court calls Darnell Evans and
Ellen Evans.
Are you okay, cousin?
You nervous?
No, not at all. I'm happy I'm
getting a divorce from that bum.
Look at 'em with those ugly,
skinny ass white women.
-Just no asses at all.
Okay, come on.
-Okay.
Here we are, Your Honor.
We're right here.
Well, hey there Counselor Fairy.
It's actually pronounced Harry,
Your Honor. Taylor Pherry.
Oh,
I always thought it was fairy.
It's called Harry.
The P is silent.
Oh, okay. You got that Mary?
Yes, Your Honor.
His P don't work.
I duly noted, Mr. "Harry".
Mr. Evans, who are these women?
Well, you see Your Honor,
this right here is Karen,
and this one right here,
this is Karen, and that one
right there her name is Karen.
These are my publicists
from the K, K, K and associates.
They don't look like publicists
to me.
Well, you see, Your Honor,
these are the women who gave me
the money to pay for my lawyers.
That's what white women do.
They pay for shit.
That's all they can do.
Okay. Okay. Well, after
carefully reviewing this case,
I have made a decision.
Your wife who has been
by your side since day one.
Day one.
She put you through college,
law school,
-and stood by your side
through thick and thin.
And if this strong woman can
stand by your sorry,
no good bum ass,
then she deserves to get half
of all of your possessions.
Half?
I gotta give up
one and a half of my Karens?
Half, girlfriend.
Half?
Oh, hell no.
Just said half
Yes, she did
Just said half
Yes, she did
Just said half
Yes, she did
Just said half
Just said half
Just said half
Not one percent but half
Just said half
Not two percent but half
Just said half
Just said half
Just said half
Just said half
Told your ass about them damn
cigarettes. I did. Trying to
k*ll yourself.
Don't you worry about me. I'mma
smoke as much as I damn please.
Hell.
They my lungs.
That's why I got these
little backup ones over here.
Got two brand new lungs in
there. I used to have a lamb's
heart somewhere,
but I can't seem to locate it
nowhere.
I swear you the nastiest.
You just the nastiest,
nastiest thing I ever seen.
I don't know why the hell
I let you live with me.
I don't know why.
Because you think you gon' get
my money when I'm gone.
That's right.
I'm gonna get your money!
And I'm gonna donate your brain
to science and then I'm gonna
get Moe's money,
Moe's money. Till they find out
your brain ain't worth no money,
no money, no money.
You think you got jokes?
You know what you gonna get?
You gonna get this gas money.
Take that with you.
Take that gas money with you.
That's what you gonna get.
g*dd*mn you nasty as hell.
That's all you going to get.
-Who the hell is this?
-That's Taylor, fool.
Look at this boy, here. 6'8" and
driving a damn Mazda Miata.
What? He ought to be
ashamed of his damn self.
And does he look like a man that
could throw a 10-yard pass
to you?
You know what?
You gonna pass away if
you don't watch your mouth.
You ever seen a shark belch?
I seen a dinosaur belch.
Well, I have and I'm gonna see
it again. If you don't watch
your mouth,
and stop smoking them damn
cigarettes.
Don't you worry about me
and my damn cigarettes.
Get my house all messed up.
Hey baby, come on over here.
That's disgusting.
You ain't supposed to be kissing
your own child in the mouth.
What the hell y'all doing?
That is your son.
-Hell it is.
-Dad!
Well hell, they must have
tricked me.
I took my money down there.
I said, "Look,
gimme two pit bull puppies."
Came back with this one.
I thought you were supposed to
be in court?
What you doing here?
We won. But MaDude, I need you
to come with me right now.
We gotta get to the house.
Ellen needs your help.
-We gotta go.
-Well, hell, let's go! Come on.
Yeah,
get your big ass out this house.
Now, I can see the TV.
Smell better in here already.
You gotta put on
your seatbelt.
Oh, damn, boy.
I got my knees up to my titties.
It's the law.
Boy, you better worry about your
damn self. This matchbox ass
car.
You know I love this car.
It's tiny, sleek and powerful.
Sends a tingling sensation
up my spine.
-I got a tiny little version
of this in my nightstand too.
-Huh?
She do all the good things,
works all the areas real good.
You know this morning right
before court,
God told me I'm supposed to
empower all the women
of the world.
Oh damn, boy. With all your
jobs, God got you pimping, too?
God came to me
and he told me that
he wants me to empower the women
of the world.
Wait what?
Boy, I swear
something ain't right with you
and we're gonna pray on it.
Oo-wee!
Boy, you're going too fast.
Slow down now. Slow down!
-Shit, my wig!
-Oh!
Good God.
Boy. You got me out here
looking like the Dora Milaje.
You done cost me
another damn wig.
Well use one of mine.
Here you are.
The hell you got a wig for, boy?
I'm a Boy Scout.
I'm always prepared.
When God said empower,
I bet he was talking about
Ellen.
MaDude, thank you so much for
coming to help me get my things.
Listen, I'm a little nervous.
It might get violent.
That's okay. v*olence is my
Tender name baby. Let's go.
Okay, let's go.
If anything goes down,
I got your bail money.
Yeah. So I was saying...
Now, MaDude's gonna take care of
this. What the hell is this?
Is this Shaka Zulu
interior design?
You came back to cry?
No!
I bet you when you leave here,
you gonna go tell all the Black
women that Darnell ain't shit.
But guess what?
You right. Darnell ain't shit.
-Get your ass out my house.
-Hell nah,
she ain't going nowhere.
MaDude, mind your business
'cause I'll fight a woman if
that's what your big ass
really is.
Okay. Come on Lil Achi.
You feeling froggy. Come on Lee.
Okay. Okay. No. Okay, listen.
Peace. Let's try peace y'all.
No girl. Peace don't work. Hell
naw. The judge, she said half.
-I'm about to whoop her big ass.
-What are doing, MaDude?
No, no, no.
-And we gonna start right here.
-No.
What else needs to be cut?
Come on over here.
Yeah, this shaka Zulu shit
got to go!
Why would you do that?
Now, what is this ugly ass shit
you got on this wall? This the
Monique Lisa?
Yeah. That's a ugly monstrosity
you don't want that?
I ain't cutting that shit for
you. This TV though.
Look at that.
Now this here. This definitely
needs to get cut. Now look at
that.
Lord, I'm gonna pray for you,
MaDude.
Girl,
you ain't gotta pray for me.
You gotta pray for his ass
if he don't get out my way.
Anything in here you want?
Don't touch the closet, don't.
I need to get some things
outta there.
Oh, my.
-Girl. What's in this kitchen?
You hungry?
-MaDude, no!
The judge said half,
your ass is gonna get half.
Look at that.
You know I can't have that,
I'm on keto.
Now look here, I might have
flunked out of beauty school,
but not before I learned
a few tips.
That's right.
-Look at that. Look at that.
-Wait, wait.
MaDude, no!
I'm the best barber you ever
saw. Girl, I did a good job.
Hell, maybe you can get you
a man now. Edward Scissorhands
ain't got shit on me.
Ah!
He's gonna get so mad at me.
MaDude.
Wait a minute, will ya?
Now that is what
you call a haircut.
Oo-wee!
I ain't seen an edge that
straight since
Meg Thee Stallion.
Thats the cops? Shit, I already
got two strikes. I gotta go.
Girl, I ain't got time
to do your mustache. Next time.
Lord Jesus.
When God said he wanted
me to empower women,
I'm not sure he meant like this.
-Darnell.
-What?
I don't care what the judge
says. I still love you.
I don't care
that you slept with my sister.
Now I got a daughter-niece.
I don't care that you gave me
the crotch critters twice.
I don't care about any of that.
Damn woman.
You don't care about nothing.
No, I just wanna have your baby.
You've been my husband
for 11 years.
-And I've been cheating on you
for 12.
-But I love you.
-And I don't love you.
-We can make this work out.
No, you gonna be moving out.
How could you do this to me?
How could I do what? Watch out
Karen. How can I do what?
This?
Not today sucka.
Oh, shit. What the hell.
-All I did was love you.
-Don't do this.
Why you doing this to me?
Another dead body moving through
the oval.
And another one.
I was a good woman.
You had this coming,
you had this coming.
I can't believe it.
Why you doing this to me?
Tsunami. I can't swim girl.
Just stand up, stupid.
Damn it.
I'm 'bout to whoop your ass.
Empowerment comes
in many forms.
I guess.
One thing I can say about my
cousin Ellen,
when one man was gone,
another man was right around
the corner
and he kinda seemed similar.
Hey lady
Do you need a ride?
Where did you come from?
The Lord sends me to places
I'm supposed to be
I'm an angel.
Why you sound like
a R&B Auto-Tune singer?
You see, girl,
this is my regular seductive
voice and T-Pain is my play
stepdaddy.
I don't get in the car with
strangers.
Hold that thought.
Does this body look
strange to you?
Airbrushed, maybe,
but I guess not strange.
The name's Tallahassee.
Not to be confused with Orlando.
Now, we not strangers no more.
So do yourself a favor, girl.
Get on in this truck and let me
ride you to wherever you
need to go.
I got nowhere to go.
I swear to God, he try me,
I'm gonna whip his little
fragile ass.
Hey, come on girl.
I got you. I got you. I got you.
Come on. Get up in this truck.
Get up in this truck.
Get up in this truck.
Okay.
Watch your bunions, girl.
I don't know why I'm doing this.
Body never fails me.
I don't even know this man.
All right.
Do me a favor,
steer for me, baby.
My name's not baby, it's Ellen.
Okay. Well, since you're not
gonna do it,
I'm gonna have to go ahead
and get my workout right here.
You see most people got g*ns.
I got dogs.
Okay, listen.
My godmother lives
all the way across town.
It's all good.
My godmother lives over there,
too.
I'm just gonna run by my crib
right quick
and then I'm gonna ride you
all the way there.
Yeah.
Thank you so much
for doing all this for me.
Yeah, it's all good.
You know I do have
rather large areolas.
-Yeah, they are large.
-Yeah.
It might be all those sexy
steroids I be taking.
You got to excuse me.
Sometimes I turn myself on.
Are you... You got, you gotta be
kidding me.
Ready to go.
I ain't got nowhere else to go.
-You in for the time of your
life, girl.
-Oh, God.
-So don't you worry about
nothing.
-You better make...
I'm about to give you
the time of your life.
Oh, my God.
Right here, baby.
Here's a special drink
I made for you.
I drink it all the time.
-That's how I look
the way I look.
-Okay.
Yeah. You see I put
bananas in it.
Most people just use the banana.
I use the banana and the peel.
Okay.
I also use a little bit of
Red Bull. It gives you wings.
-I don't want to fly.
-Yeah, you do just a little bit.
I put a little bit of coke in it
without the cane.
No, no. Okay.
Okay.
There you go, baby.
It'll do your body right.
You know, I want some real food,
you know, like Waffle House or
White Castle something,
anything.
-Not this.
-No, no, no.
-You don't want that crap.
-I do.
You see this here, right here.
It's gonna help get rid of ya
lady lumps.
Excuse me. That is not how you
talk to a lady.
Excuse me.
But I don't expect we are here
to do much talking now, are we?
I guess you right.
You damn right I'm right.
Now we just gonna tighten that
up and tighten that up,
little dat. Tighten it up,
and you'll be as tight as me.
I don't wanna look like you.
I just need you to relax and
trust me, and let me do my
thing. Hands up.
Ooh. Ah!
You like my stick, you like my
magic stick, don't you?
You ready for the new you?
Spin around for me.
Woo-wee!
Damn. I'm good. Come on and
check yourself out, girl.
Come on over to the window
and look at yourself. Voila.
Damn. I do look good.
You do, but I look better.
Oh, no. I look better.
Hell no. I look better.
Look at them biceps, girl.
Shit. Where we going?
Damn. You do know my areolas won
first place in the Mr. America
pageant.
Damn, girl.
-Shut up and take it like a man.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I didn't know you was going go
all Fifty Shades of Grey
on a brother.
You do know
that's white people shit, right?
Shut your ass up.
-What the hell is that?
-My electric toothbrush.
You ain't about to use a
toothbrush on my ass.
I'm about to use this toothbrush
up your ass.
-No you ain't.
-Yes I am!
Hell no!
Can't believe she done tied my
hair up.
What you still doing in bed?
Come on. Let me go.
You want a little more
before I go.
No, I want you to untie me
so I can go.
You been bad?
No. What's wrong with you?
What the heck? Ow! Ow!
-Say my name!
-Evil?
-That's not my name.
-Crazy?
-That's not my name.
-Deranged?
Say my name. Boy, say my name.
I thought you was a Christian.
Helluur. Y'all better eat this
food now.
Coming from a family of
professionals and
non-professionals,
our family is just like
any other.
What you got,
Sly and the Family Stone?
If you really look for it,
finding empowerment of
women can even be found
at our family barbecue.
Black,
what the hell is you doing?
I swear to God if you make my
meat as black as you is,
we're gonna have problems.
I'm trying to make me some
crispy ribs.
I'm the king of Atlanta
barbecuing.
Who told you that lie,
mothersucker?
This how I make my living.
I can tell.
That's why your ass is broke as
hell with them Ronald McDonald
Socks.
Don't burn my meat. Hey,
everybody. Y'all looking good.
You looking good today.
I'mma show you how to do it up
in here. I need more.
In Atlanta they make it flame.
Whoo!
The hell you doing over here?
Oh, Lord. Here comes the Grinch
that stole ugly.
I know you ain't calling
nobody ugly.
You about as pretty as
a m*rder scene.
Can you even see
them damn dominoes?
Know your ass can't count.
Look, they used to call her low
and brow. One nipple was low.
The other one had a eyebrow.
I should have k*lled you in your
crib when you was born.
I don't know why the hell we let
you live.
Help! Help me! Help me!
Take this, domino, you summa
b*tches. Game over.
Help me! Help me!
You lost again.
Well, look at this crispy n*gro
over here.
Help me, help me!
Ain't that something, boy.
Stop drop and roll, n*gro.
Stop, drop and roll!
Boy, don't be trying to burn up
my grass, now what you doing?
I think you better save that for
the meat.
It's hot as hell out here and
he's trying to burn up
the grass.
This some good water?
In the name of the father.
Always doing the Lord's work.
I believe family
also means familiar,
and God knows why
I'm saying that.
I taste like bacon.
You look good.
Girl, I look great, but I didn't
wanna look this good.
No, why not?
I look like a hoochie.
-A hoochie mama, for real?
-Yes.
I don't think so. I think you're
taking it too far.
No, he took it too far.
Girl, I actually got hips.
-You do.
-And my butt sits too high.
It does.
Yeah, and if he think he gonna
keep changing my body
for his likings,
he's got another thing coming.
I guess God wants
me to learn about female
empowerment
before I can be empowering.
Hey, Black. Now I know as big as
your ass is you know how to make
some chicken.
-I do.
-Come on now.
I like my chicken without
salmonella.
Now are these chicken breast
or it's your breast?
Is you slow in the head?
Somebody hit you?
Bitch, that is chicken.
You better make it right.
Hey, girls, how y'all doing?
I'm so glad y'all here, ladies.
Y'all good? Y'all feeling good?
Show is a nice day for a picnic.
So for me, her, her, her.
All of us.
Darnell.
I know you didn't bring them
ugly ass Karens up to my
cookout.
Boy, I can barely stand your ass
anyway. You better get them away
from my grill.
I seen more ass on a snake.
Come on girls.
MaDude's tripping
and she's packing.
That's right. You better get
them girls away from
my damn grill.
Bro. Come on Karens.
Come on now. Y'all ain't moving
fast enough for me. Gets it
moving. Chop, chop.
I don't ever wanna see taste,
touch, talk, walk, do nothing
with that girl, man.
-Man, it couldn't have been
that bad.
-It was.
But you have those wonderful
abs. She must've been everything
you needed.
Man, that's what I thought.
Wow.
Oh. Here's my cousin. Ellen?
Hey...
What are you doing here?
-This the crazy woman...
-This the crazy man...
-...I was telling about!
-...I was telling about!
You left me for dead, girl.
Why you gotta be so mean, woman?
Mean? You don't know me.
You don't know what
I've been through.
You mean to tell me you gonna
make the new brother pay for
the last brother mistakes?
-Somebody gotta pay.
-Hell yeah, somebody gotta pay.
Amen.
So you just another mad Black
woman, huh? So what you
going to do?
Go home and write in your diary
about your raggedy ass weave?
Raggedy ass weave?
You should be the last person
to talk about somebody having...
Girl, my hair is luxurious.
You know what? I got something
from you. Stay right there.
I'm standing right here.
I ain't running.
Oh!
I got wet! My waist is wet!
Maybe I'm not the right person
for this job.
My abs are melting. Oh no, girl.
You know, it took me all week to
paint these on.
-Should've took longer.
-Why would you do this?
Boy, stop all
that windmilling shit.
Oh, no!
My waist is wet.
Well, at least I still got my
areolas.
I got something for areolas too.
Hold on.
Get him again. He gonna run
outta here? But don't run too
far, baby.
You got your abs
in a puddle in this grass.
Boy, you better come clean this
shit up.
With everything I am,
I'm only one man.
Yo "Fairy", wanna ball?
It's Pherry.
I don't mess with P.
We need one more. Get over here.
We chests.
I'd love to play!
Male Empowerment.
God never said
nothing about that.
I love this game.
Thank you, God. Balls! Balls!
Crap.
-Yo, Taylor.
-Oh, God.
How was the cookout?
Not really good. You know,
my family is...
They crazy. The shit they get...
The stuff
they get themselves into.
Well,
it's up to you to change that.
I have an idea and I'm gonna
need you to commit to it.
-If not, I'm out of a job.
-I'll do anything for you, God.
Great.
I need you to become a writer.
-A writer?
-A writer.
-A writer?
-A writer.
I can't do that. I mean,
I'm a doctor, a lawyer,
a hotel manager,
a badminton coach, an architect,
an unlicensed plumber, a mover,
a shaker.
I don't know nothing
about writing.
-Do you know what
a plot point is?
-No.
-A good storyline.
-Hell no.
I ain't never heard of that.
Your family's crazy, right?
They'll have all the drama,
the comedy and the horror you
need. You're gonna write a play.
-What? What?
-Better yet, a movie.
Include me and Hoprah.
But you can do bad all by
yourself.
It's going to be
a box office hit.
Well, what if I screw up
everything for the whole world?
Have faith, Taylor,
you're on a divine path.
-Speaking of which,
you better take that.
All right, that's it. Gotta go.
This fellow Putin is tripping.
Hey, hey, hey Julie.
I can't take another
minute of this traffic.
It's driving me crazy.
I meant to ask you for a favor
at the cookout,
-but I got caught up
eating chicken.
-What can I do for you?
I need a good driver for
tomorrow.
Say no more. I'm on my way.
Woo!
God be talking his ass off.
First female empowerment.
Now, God wants me to write
a movie?
Dear diary, today
I took my mother's advice
and I need spaghetti, sauce,
ground turkey meat,
turkey sausage, mushrooms,
garlic.
And vodka.
I sure hope it tastes good.
With everything
I've been going through, diary,
I need some comfort and joy
in my life.
Lately, it just feels like
a sad little rain cloud
follows me everywhere
I go.
Yo baby, you need a ride?
No, I can wait for the bus.
Girl, go on and hop into this
truck. Can't you see the
lightning?
I'm fine.
All this rain gonna make your
gout swell up, girl.
I can wait for the bus.
Besides, I'm a new woman and
this woman don't ride with
certain types of men.
Why you gotta be so mean, woman?
Why you gotta be so nice, man?
Look just get in the truck.
The next bus don't come for
about an hour.
Okay, okay. Let me get in.
Yep. Get your ass in, girl.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
-Here, get my purse.
-I got you.
Come on now. Come on.
Yep, I got you. Come on.
-There you go. Close the door.
-Okay, hold on.
Is this what God meant
when he said my family's like
no other
-or are we all the same
like my cousin Monte Carlo?
You girls get ready.
Your mama is gonna be here soon.
Hey, come on in.
How is my favorite limo, Lyft,
Uber driving cousin?
Take your shoes off at the door
if you don't mind.
As disgusting as this place is,
I absolutely do mind.
Why don't we take the floor up?
Ah!
Fair enough.
So what do I owe this surprise
visit from the most prominent
prestigious
lawyer, surgeon and employee
in the entire city?
-Well, I've got a job for you.
-You got a job?
Yes. High paying job.
Make your own hours. I've been
calling you. Do you want it?
I gotta say extra money
is always needed around here.
You know I got the three kids,
maybe two, four baby mamas and
you know,
I'm trying to get that chicken
and check cashing place off the
ground.
Chicken and check cashing?
That don't go together.
Neither does chicken and
waffles, but you see how that
blew up.
Oh, you know what, cuz,
I am very, very proud of you.
Three years in prison.
Three little girls.
Not Precious, Least Precious,
Not Precious at all.
You really got your stuff
together.
That's right. You see, 'cause
hate put me in there,
but love busted me out.
Love busted you out.
Tell me about it. Tell me about
the job.
Well, her name is Julie.
She's a lawyer.
She's an Ivy League attorney.
She needs a driver.
And I can give you a car today.
What kind of car we talking?
Well look, I 've got exotic
cars. I've got a Bugatti,
I've got a Lamborghini.
-I've got a Porsche.
-Wait. Stop right there.
Yes.
You know I don't do exotic cars.
I need something with a
carburetor, you know.
Well, I've got a truck.
Sold.
Okay. Gimme a minute
to put on some clean clothes.
Okay, I am ready.
All right. You girls fix
yourself some dinner.
Here you go. That's for you.
And whatever you do, please
don't open the door for any
strangers.
Wait, wait, wait. Are we sure we
want to leave the girls alone?
I mean, somebody's gotta watch
daddy's little girls.
Don't worry about that, man.
They stay strapped.
Ready for any unwanted police
officers. She might not be mine.
Come on.
Bye, daddy.
Again.
You gotta stop calling me that.
He's like
a movie character, right?
I get Idris vibes.
In my movie, he's comedy relief
and Julie could use
some comedy in her life.
That I know.
Are you gonna open the door?
You want me to...
Yeah. I just thought
you was gonna open it for me.
Me open it for you?
Yeah. I just, I don't know.
Lemme finish
sending this picture real quick.
I'll wait. It's no rush.
Yeah, yeah. No, I'm in no rush.
Get the door.
g*dd*mn. Chill.
Please open that door.
Dang, be polite.
What's up?
n*gga, you a fool.
If you don't come
close this door...
You want me to close the door,
too?
Open and close the door.
Act like you ain't never
closed a door before.
You didn't say open and close
is in the job description.
Hey. Yeah.
I can't believe the jury came
back from deliberation so soon.
This is a good sign for us.
I bet you think I'm listening in
on your conversation,
'cause I'm not.
I'm talk...
-Excuse me, Mr. Carlo?
I said excuse me.
Hey, yo, Charlie.
Hey, what up with it, man?
Ain't nothing, man.
I'm just sitting here,
chilling at the new gig, man.
Hello, hey, driver?
What? Rollo got shot? When?
Just, he's on the phone.
Can you turn the music down?
Hey, bitch, can't you see
I'm on the phone? That's rude.
I'm on the phone, too.
Hey. Who shot him? Who shot him?
The baby?
Man, the baby love k*lling
people, man.
This is completely
and utterly unprofessional.
Was he at Walmart again? I told
him the savings are at Target!
Hello? Hello?
Damn. My phone got cut off.
Look, and I need to get to the
courthouse.
Relax, sugar tits.
I'mma get you there,
you in good hands.
-Forget Allstate.
-If you don't watch the road.
-Hey, keep your g*dd*mn kids
out of the street.
That's bad parenting
right there, man.
I've always said that.
Where are you going?
You need to, to stay on I-95.
Like why are you getting off
the freeway?
Trust me, I know how to get to
the courthouse.
No, you need to stay on I-95.
Get off on downtown and make
a right.
Well, so why are we stopping?
Because we here, stupid.
Next time, I need you to follow
instructions. Okay?
And why am I opening my door?
Because you got hands. Bitch.
You're supposed to be a driver.
Can't admit when you wrong.
-Wait till I tell Taylor.
-Weak ass.
Don't know why I did this.
g*dd*mn.
God is good. Won't he do it?
Mm-mm-mm.
Everyone has
that family member
who's always struggling.
Well, Beverly is mine.
If it's not men, it's money.
But this is how she met
the Browns.
I mean the Blacks. The Blacks!
It's how she met the Blacks!
Good morning, Ms. Mildew.
Don't good morning me.
You got my money?
I'll have it for you this
evening when I get paid.
Well, you better.
All of it, and I ain't playing.
Okay. All right.
Bye-bye, Ms. Mildew.
I ain't gonna have her money.
Bitch better have my money.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Man! Come on. What the hell?
-Stop, stop, stop.
-What are you doing?
My friend's coming?
Can you just wait for her?
No, we got to go.
You making me late. Come on.
You know if she miss the bus,
she's gonna lose her job.
And if I miss the next stop,
then I lose my job. Come on now.
Come on, bro. Just wait.
No, no. Have a seat.
Sit down. Have a seat.
Okay, okay. What if I show you
my breasts?
What? Don't nobody wanna see
your silicone breast. If I wanna
see some plastic,
I'll reach in my back pocket and
I'll pull out my credit card.
Come on. Just wait for her,
please.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Show me the
nipple. Show me the nipple.
g*dd*mn!
Okay. All right. Which one?
Where she at?
That's her. Right there.
Stop it.
All right, I see her. Come on
then. Come on, shorty. Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go, let's go.
Thank you for waiting.
Don't thank me.
Thank her nipple.
Girl. You took forever.
Good lord, Jesus.
Beverly is like
every other lead in the movie.
She's likable.
Thank you. I appreciate you.
Like Angela Bassett.
I appreciate you now.
-Ooh, girl.
-Girl, that was crazy.
-You are always looking out
for me.
-You know I got you.
You crazy, but you my girl.
You made sure I'm straight.
You check on my baby.
-I even show my breast, girl.
-You got my... You did what?
-Yes.
-What the hell is going on here?
I need all of you
to vacate the premises.
The first time I'm on time to
work and then this shit happens.
We don't know what's going on.
Place is closed.
What do you mean
the place is closed?
How? I just met with the Browns
last night.
Plus,
they are super nice people.
I don't think they're gonna
close down without telling us.
COVID Infinity. Place is closed
until further notice.
Go home. You're making me work.
-I didn't even get
my last check.
-I didn't get mine either.
Go home.
What?
Let's go, everyone.
You're interrupting my lunch.
What am I gonna do?
I owe Ms. Mildew.
If I don't pay her,
she gonna put my Kiki out on the
street to pay her her money
back.
I mean, why don't you
ask your son's father?
He owes you over $80,000
in back child support.
Wait, how do you know that?
He told me last night.
Wait, you didn't know he was
hitting this?
I be screaming your name
every night.
You're so sweet, but I do need
that money.
But he's gonna k*ll me
if I ask him for it.
I'm gonna ask him for you
because he don't ever say no
to me.
Okay.
-Got you, girl.
-Well, let's go get this money.
Let's go get it, girl.
Okay, I'm gonna be strong.
This is his kid, too.
-Yes.
-I'm...
Beverly! What the hell are you
doing here?
I thought I told you I ain't got
no money for you or them ugly
ass kids.
Now get on!
Scat!
Hey Shirley, baby.
What's going on?
-Michael, baby, how are you?
-I'm doing fine.
Yes, you know Michael.
She really, really needs
her child support money.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-Is that what she needs?
-Yeah. Why don't you just like,
help her?
If you ask, then it's yours.
Okay? Yeah.
Thank you so much, Michael.
We really need it, the kids need
ramen, they need Cheetos--
-I was talking to her...
-But--
...not you! I ain't got no
g*dd*mn money.
But--
I am working my ass off
securing this empty ass spot.
Working for a ass-hole boss
that I can't stand,
on three hours of sleep. Why?
Because I am trying to make a
better life for myself.
That's what's wrong
with you Black mothers.
You lazy.
You don't want to work.
I am not lazy, Michael.
I do work.
Nah, you lazy as hell.
See, I told you don't have
that damn baby.
But here you come trying to mess
up my expensive lifestyle with
your needs.
Hell no!
Way to go, Michael.
I'm giving you a raise.
You hear that?
More money for you
to do nothing with.
Nothing.
Come on, man.
Deuces.
I'm gonna buy you
an ice cold glass of water.
I got something for your ass.
You dirty mother--
Oh, shit.
God says my family's like
a movie. Then it must be,
right?
God's never wrong.
And if God's not wrong,
then Beverly could be a star.
Look, this all started because
of Trump.
Now how did he become president?
That's a good question.
Hey, wasn't on me.
That wasn't me.
I mean, I never answered his
prayer.
You're right. You're right.
I did give him the voice.
It's a lot of great people
on both sides.
Lots of great people on both
sides. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Fake angels. Fake angels.
You like that?
Toast me.
We have comedy and drama,
and I know about my cousin.
Julie might even be his type.
How'd it go?
This m*therf*cker.
I guess I'll let myself in.
She's pretty.
Is she gonna be our new mama?
How did they get in my car?
Look, I gotta take these kids
to they mama house.
Unless you wanna
roll around with them all day.
Then I gotta go pick up the
3-year-old from the dentist
'cause she's getting
her wisdom teeth pulled.
If you don't take these kids
home and drop me off...
I have a date tonight.
Okay. Gonna get to your date.
Okay. Come on. Come on, come on.
There we go.
All right. Now listen girls,
no matter what anybody tells
you, you might not be
daddy's little girls.
Off you go.
You ain't slick.
And next time you come out here,
you better not have no kids
with you!
Gimme my g*dd*mn money!
Bye, bitch!
Get y'all asses in the house.
Now one thing I've
learned about my friend
Julie,
when it comes to men,
she has a type,
the wrong type.
Girl. Now you know
I don't like blind dates,
but last time I went on a blind
date, we met at the movies and
afterwards,
he started handing out
Watchtower pamphlets.
Come to find out he is
a Jehovah Witness.
I'm not that desperate.
Okay, maybe I am.
Lemme call you back.
-I'm Rob.
-Hi.
You are beautiful.
Thank you.
So what do you do?
I am a district attorney.
I try cases.
What kind of cases?
Anything assigned to me.
Mostly felony, dr*gs. m*rder.
Oh, man, you are the girl I've
been looking for.
Look, I got this small case.
Allegedly, allegedly, they
caught me with nine kilos of
some Colombian Bambam.
So, I'm trying to put the dope
in my girlfriend's car, right,
-so she could take the wrap--
-Next.
Switch.
-You married?
-No.
-Got a girlfriend?
-No.
-Wife?
-No.
-Baby mom?
-No.
You got a job?
I'm an architectural engineer.
That's my future husband's job.
So why are you single?
I just got out of a relationship
and yeah,
I'm done with men.
-These mens are no good.
-Next!
Switch!
After I do all that securing and
watching perimeters, you know,
it's really hard just doing
nothing all night long.
You see, I'm looking for
a sugar mama that's going to
pay my bills,
and you know, complete me.
I'm looking to start a family.
Next!
Switch.
God, what am I doing here?
You must be tired of all this,
huh?
Uh...
Quite frankly, I am.
Then why do you put yourself
through it?
Because it's really hard
to find men within my field.
Then why don't you stop telling
people your line of work?
Maybe I should.
Maybe you should.
-Huh.
-Yeah.
So tell me about yourself.
I went to Yale.
-Yale?
-Yes.
-Harvard.
-Harvard?
Some Ivy League Love.
Ivy League Love. I like that.
Yes.
Get away from my daddy!
Who the hell is this, Spencer?
Baby? This... Listen.
I didn't know you had
a pregnant wife.
Bitch, I ain't pregnant.
This is my colostomy bag.
That don't look right.
She's not my wife.
I'm not really her husband.
Let's go.
Get in the car, Spencer.
No, no, no.
You got me messed up.
Stay away from my daddy,
you garden tool.
-I'm not no garden tool.
-I told...
-Why are you tracking me down
like this?
-Let's go.
Do you have my money?
I'll have it by tomorrow.
I promise.
That's the problem with you
young mothers always thinking
about yourselves.
Here you go, Ms. Mildew. No need
to count it. It's all there.
Okay. Thank you, baby.
Your daughter's one of
my best workers.
Don't think I'mma let you
mess that up.
What am I gonna do?
Oh, so my family
may have some stories.
Like Michael. That boy
sure can play basketball.
Even if he has no fashion sense.
Yes, baby!
Woo! Go, baby! Go baby! Woo!
Get off him.
That's not your son
talking to my son, right?
He better get off his back.
Let's go. Let's go, baby!
sh**t it, sh**t it, sh**t it.
Yes, Michael! Go baby!
Oh, my goodness.
You were so good.
But what was going on
with those shoes, though?
They were raggedy.
Why didn't you just wear those?
I can't wear those on that
court. I might get 'em dirty.
Listen, I got these.
-Where you get...
-I got these.
Where you get these from?
Okay. My baby a hustler.
Can we sell these so that I can
get my nails done now?
-It's up to you.
-Okay, cool. Nail shop tomorrow.
Hey yo, Michael.
Good game, baby.
Calvin? What are you still doing
in high school?
I couldn't pass the SAT test.
You don't need to pass the SAin order to graduate.
But look, me and the fellas
about to go down to the spot to
get us a few drinks.
You trying to come hang with us
or what?
So y'all finna go down to the
spot, huh? Have some drinks and
get drunk?
Yes, Ms. Black.
Well, can we roll with you?
-Are you serious?
-Hell yeah.
Mom, what are you doing?
Mind your business, I am grown.
Go home, get the homework done.
Watch your sister.
Make sure she eats, all right?
I'm finna teach the young man
something he ain't ever learned
before. Okay!
Excuse me. Move out the
way I gotta walk through.
Well, can I come too?
-Hell yeah. Come on, girl.
-Damn. My mama's a hoe.
Bye, baby! I love you.
Girl, you think he can handle
both of us?
Hell no, girl. We finna rob him.
I'm down.
-Hey!
-Hey, so what's up, girl?
-So, where your cash at?
-Hey, I'm Shirley.
-Hey, what's up? How you doing?
-But the question is, where is
your cash?
-My cash?
-Yes.
-It's at the ATM, what you mean?
-You ain't got no cash on you?
Naw, girl, I got a debit card.
What you mean?
-Hell no, bitch.
Get out the car.
-No, no, no.
-No, nope.
-I do got...
-Oh, hey, girl.
-Hey, how are you?
I am tired as ever.
How's the kids?
Hungry, as usual.
Oh, it's not a bill
for once in my life.
What is that?
I got a letter from a man across
town. Says he's my uncle.
Says my father died
and left me in his will.
Wait, what, bitch you rich? Oh,
my God. Who do you have to call?
I don't know. It don't even...
It has an address.
-Address?
-It says to come down.
Okay, then go down.
Uh-uh. They probably gonna
tell me he owed some money
and now I owe them.
-I'm not doing it.
-What? You got money?
You're not going?
He probably ain't got shit,
either. They gonna ask me to pay
his bills.
-Well, how do you know that?
-I'm not doing it, Shirley.
-Beverly, you come on! Beverly!
-I'm not doing it.
I need to get me one of these,
yo. Ladies gonna love these.
Hey, you know Ms. Mildew?
Damn you hitting that, too?
Man, that old lady
got some skills.
Especially when she be using
those molars on your boy.
She be like all day.
Who's that?
Man, that's just your daddy,
Michael.
My dad?
I never met him before.
And if you want me
to buy you something,
you still ain't met me.
All right. You know. Mm-hmm.
Mm-mm.
Yo. What's up then?
What you need?
I'm gonna need a little spark.
Okay.
And I ain't got no money
and I'm going to need
the 'know my son' discount.
Hold up. Dad, how come you never
come around or help mom
with money?
Because boy, I'mma grown-ass
man, I got bills to pay.
I got another family
across town,
I got this nasty drug habit,
and I'm in love with this bitch
I can't stand. I ain't buying
you shit.
Hold on ladies, ladies, ladies.
Look what I found in my pocket.
Wait a second, now.
Who need their bills paid?
Need your hair done? Nails done?
Who want to do me? Come on,
let's do each other together.
What's up, Calvin?
What I tell you about
hustling in this alley?
Yo, this my alley, homeboy.
I do what I want.
Yeah, that's right?
Ricky!
Wrong movie. Michael!
Oh!
My movie could be like
every other urban movie.
Why? Take me, Lord!
Take me, Lord.
But I'm glad you got him.
Oh Lord, my boy.
Dad, that's not me.
I'm your son.
Oh. Oh. Here,
let me wipe this evidence off.
Help me up, stupid.
Hey, so your mama told me
you play a little basketball?
Yeah, I mean,
I do average 25 points a game.
Don't call me dad
till you make it to the league.
-Listen, I'm gonna need $20.
-What?
It's a lovely day,
MaDude.
Well, damn.
What's wrong?
Look at that good-ass
clothesline, and I ain't got my
laundry basket.
The hell is wrong with me? Wait.
Oh!
Still got it.
-Impressive.
-That's what I'm talking about.
I did not know
you could do that.
You know I hate coming up here
to see these poor folks in all
this heat.
Well, it's okay. I'm a doctor
and a lawyer and I'm here to
make things better.
Boy, go on and head on home.
Ain't nothing you can do here.
MaDude, I just don't know what
to do.
Girl, what you mean you
don't know what to do?
-I don't know what to do.
-Well, what that letter say?
It says that he died and he left
something for me in his will.
Well, girl, you know exactly
what to do. You need to go get
that g*dd*mn money.
What if it's not money?
What if it's a bill?
Who gonna leave you some bills?
Look, girl your dead deadbeat
daddy is dead.
Deadbeat daddy dead?
Deadbeat daddy dead.
Go ahead and get your money.
I'm not going down there. Good
things don't happen to me. Okay?
A man ain't never done nothing
for me.
And now I'mma think he gonna do
something in his death?
This is too good to be true.
Look at this.
Girl, you know I can't read that
shit, ain't got my glasses.
Look girl, look it.
You need money,
you know you need money,
everybody need money.
Look at this house. Look at this
cheap ass microwave.
Why you gotta talk about my
microwave?
You need to change that
attitude. You gotta take care of
this boy.
You gotta take care of
these bills.
Why don't you show him
what the letter say?
Yeah, you right.
Well, hey Michael Jr. How you
doing, boy? You sure do look
good today.
-Hey, baby.
-Hey, MaDude.
Now girl,
you listen to what I said.
Now you go get that money
like you supposed to,
and baby you take care of your
mama. You be a good boy,
alright?
-I will.
-I see you got that good fade.
You got some money for
something, girl.
But hey, you call me 'cause I
want my 10% when you get
that money.
Oh. All right.
What's wrong, Mama?
My father just died and left me
something in his will.
But I thought you said your
father was already dead.
He was just dead to me.
But now he's dead to the rest of
the world.
Everything's gonna be okay,
Mama.
I don't know, baby. We're in a
real tough spot right now.
I'll figure it out.
Oh, my God.
I can't even pay the light bill.
What else could go wrong?
Come on, Mama.
What are you doing?
Get up.
Boy.
Don't worry.
When I go to the league,
I'mma buy you a nice car.
Buy you a nice house.
A better wig.
A better wig?
Don't be playing about my wig,
boy. Keep dancing.
Get yourself hurt.
-Everything's gonna be okay.
-No, I know.
Don't worry.
I know what I gotta do.
Beverly,
she's got star power.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I wanted to tell you the
story of what happened on
MaDude's Halloween.
No, here come the little
children.
Now, Ham, you know better than
to give all this free candy away
to these kids.
Hell, you know how hard I had to
work for some free candy on
Halloween?
I had to give candy
to get candy.
-Stop lying.
-She had to get all up
on that pole.
My daddy backyard had a pole,
the big old telephone pole.
Swing around that thing.
I got me a Snickers bar,
a Mars bar,
and a pregnancy test.
-Still came back broke.
-Baby, you need Jesus.
I got Jesus. Got splinters on
my inner thighs, too.
How you doing there,
little children?
Knocked the pole down, too,
big ass.
Trick or treat, smell my feet,
gimme something good to eat.
Always begging.
I like your
little nursery rhyme.
He's a cute little thing.
What you got there, here?
You got some Mike and Ike's.
You know what you need to do?
You need to get rid of
all that shit.
Now you know you didn't need
to do that to that.
Get rid of all that.
It's hard to play soccer with
one leg.
Yeah, he's tryna to save you
from diabetes. It's okay.
Maybalene, get your brother.
Trying to keep your teeth
from running out your mouth.
-You enjoy.
-Your mama be glad.
Boy, you better shut your mouth
up. Don't let the devil use you.
It's time to party.
Ooh, that's good.
That's some good mm.
What?
You look how I feel.
And how is that.
Constipated.
Your prostate flaring up
on you again?
Shut the hell up, Moe. You know
I ain't got no prostate.
-You do got a prostate.
-Y'all talking about prostates?
Sound a little too happy
'bout it.
Real nice costume, dude.
Who the hell is y'all
and why y'all in my house?
We're the frat guys. You know
the frat guys from
up the street?
-Oh.
-We live in the frat house.
You've seen us before.
Pat 'em down.
I see. So y'all just wanna come
here and y'all wanna see a
woman?
That's what it is?
-Titties. And come to the party.
-Titties.
Y'all wanna see titties?
-Yes.
-Well,
we thought you were a man.
-You thought I was a man?
-More like a monster.
-We were taking bets.
-Okay. Here let me
show you something.
No, don't do that. Don't nobody
wanna see them Jurassic Park...
Lord, have mercy.
-Those are real, dude.
-That's paradise right there.
-That's Jurassic Park
right there.
Like scrambled eggs.
Come on. Come reach your
paradise. Come bring your hands
in here.
-Come on. Come, come, come on!
-Don't do it.
You got to drop out.
Get the hell out of my house.
Have some respectability
in here.
I told you didn't wanna see them
old, Aretha Franklin,
long sleeve titties.
You better think.
You know what, I hate this song,
but it show make me wanna move.
Move over there then.
Feel a little something.
I just can't, just can't...
Oh, Lord.
Just catch the spirit a little
bit. Just catch the spirit a
little bit.
There it is, there it is!
That damn show ain't Flashdance.
Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.
Somebody call the exorcist.
The woman is possessed.
They got to burn this whole damn
house down now. Oh, Lord.
It's definitely
a ghost up in here.
Show me how we do it.
Show me how we do it!
Don't you go in that closet now.
You know R. Kelly's in there.
Don't you do it.
Tiffany, y'all got some good
candy here.
-Oh, Lord!
-Boy, don't be trying to
scare nobody.
It was something on the TV,
just popped up there.
What nothing on that TV.
Shut up.
I saw it.
-Oh, Lordy. Oh, Lord.
-What was that?
I told you it was something.
It went from here up there.
Sound like somebody
up there fighting.
That's what I thought.
Really starting to scare me.
You know I'm scared of
everything.
MaDude, go up there and check
out and see what it is.
I ain't going up there.
No. That ain't for me.
Because you ain't scared
of nothing.
Everything scared of you.
And I see why.
Fine. I ain't scared.
Look, I ain't never scared.
-You ain't never scared.
-I ain't scared.
You ain't never scared.
Go get 'em.
I'm gonna go right on up here.
I ain't scared.
You done survived looking in the
mirror every damn morning,
you can survive that,
you can survive this.
I ain't scared.
You ain't scared of nothing.
Go on up there.
Tell him to smell you,
that'll k*ll him.
Don't be scared there now.
Now keep eating your candy,
and watch the movie.
This a good one.
Watch they gonna go
in the closet right here. Look.
Oh, Lord. They not gonna scare
me in my own house.
I ain't gonna get got.
Oh no, not today.
The devil ain't gonna use me.
He gon' get his ass
on outta here.
I sure hope ain't nobody behind
this here door.
When I open up this door,
'cause it's gonna be...
What the hell?
Ain't no clown chasing me.
Ain't no clown chasing me!
Ain't no clown chasing me!
I told 'em not to go in there.
Ain't no clown chasing me.
Ain't no clown chasing me!
All right, well that's my cue.
Y'all better come on.
Hell now, lemme see what I can
do to get up outta here.
Come on now.
Come on, girls. Come on, girls.
Moe, I need you to move.
Come on, Moe!
I hope I didn't scare you
too much with that story.
But back to Beverly.
You ever know people who
can't just say yes to a
good thing?
Well, that's Beverly for you.
There they are.
Hi. Hello there.
You's Beverly.
I, Leroy Black, Black.
You can call me Black.
This my seed.
Yes, I'm his daughter.
Flora Black.
You can call her Flora,
without the Black.
It is so nice to meet you all.
MaDude has told us
so much about you.
Well, it is so nice to meet you
as well, I think.
Put that away, Missy. If they
knows you'se been reading,
-they gonna sell you off
down the river.
-Sell me?
I'mma take y'all by the
underground.
The underground?
Like the railroad?
To see y'all's new house,
and meets y'all's family.
Follow me easy.
Keeps your head down.
Bes quiet.
Mr. Black, don't go too fast.
You know he got the gout,
and the sugar,
and erectile dysfunction.
I don't even know
how I got here.
That's a lot of information.
Okay. Hell.
So, I think this is just
constipation right here.
That's why he's walking
this way?
Yes. And you are just
the prettiest little thing.
I know you do not expect us to
live here.
This can't be real.
Uh-uh.
Take us back to the bus stop.
We are going home.
But Papa done left this for you.
I know it ain't much, but it's
all your daddy has to give.
I would rather work for
Ellen DeGeneres
before I let my kids
step one foot in that house.
What? Okay.
Calm down.
This is bigger than your mama's
house. You sure you don't
want it?
Hell no. I don't want it.
Let's go, kids.
-But mom!
-But nothing.
Look at that water fountain
running all day and night.
You know what I'd have to do
to pay for that water bill?
Just do what we always do.
And what's that?
-Don't pay.
-Don't pay.
Well, Beverly, you can at least
come and see the house, honey.
Just come on in and see inside.
I don't want to come
and see inside this house.
-Come on,
it's got a wobbler room.
-Not enough dirt.
Not enough dirt? Well it's got
pet chickens in the back,
and you got a trained pig.
-A trained pig?
-Yeah.
Yep. One thing MaDude
always tried to do was help
others,
but she always finds herself
in her own mess.
The po-po
is coming for us.
You think
you ran a red light?
I don't know
what the hell I did.
Mr. Black! Mr. Black!
What is it, Flora?
Look! Is that who I think it is?
It is!
It's MaDude on the TV tube.
Running from the whirly bird.
-Them overseers
running her down.
-What?
They gon' chop her foot off when
they catch her. Run, Kunta, run!
I'm in the helicopter,
live in the air during this
exciting car chase.
Can we get a tighter shot
of the vehicle's occupants?
Wow. This feels like a scene
straight out of the movie,
Set It Off.
Where's my phone?
I gotta call her. It was here.
Lord Jesus, help me.
Hello?
MaDude,
is that you driving that car?
Well,
who the hell you think it is?
Are you sure 'cause you kind of
look like Queen Latifah.
Look like King Latifah.
Look, I'm wearing Queen
Latifah's disguise from the
movie, Set It Off.
Should have dropped me off.
Well, you know that's what I do.
I just steal from movies.
Well you know the Lord say thou
shalt not steal, now.
The Lord is not being chased by
the po-po. And I ain't stealing,
I'm speeding.
Well, I steal a little bit, just
'cause I'm inspired by stuff,
you know?
Driving like you're on speed.
You slow down now.
Now if you wanna smack across
your mouth, I give you one.
Keep talking to me, old man.
Oh, Lord. What is she doing?
MaDude, head to the North Star.
It's free peoples over there.
Tell the little man to shut the
hell up. Is Beverly over there?
She gone. She and her children
done gone back to Africa.
Didn't nobody go back to
nobody's Africa.
No, she done left.
She didn't want the house. I
don't know what's wrong with it.
Maybe, it's too much for her,
but back to you, MaDude, please
pull that car over, please.
Okay, fine, fine, fine.
Now I ain't giving up, though.
I got a plan.
Just pull the car over before
'MaDude goes to jail'.
Ooh.
That's a good idea for a sequel.
You ain't finished
the first one now.
That's a nice sequel.
I like that.
Okay, I done pulled over.
I thought you was supposed
to be meeting the Blacks?
Hell, now they got me
out here meeting the Whites.
Yeah, you be about to
meet the Whites, all right.
Get out of the vehicle.
-I think we should just give up.
-No, no, no. Hell no, fool.
You should know we have no
problem using deadly force.
Look, if this works, you meet me
at the cabin up in
the mountains,
but if it don't you tell Taylor
to put some money on my books.
Now what the hell
you about to go on and do?
I'm going undercover, fool.
Okay, good.
I'm about to tell
them you kidnapped me,
and I ain't had nothing to do
with none of this shit.
By the way,
that ain't gonna work.
I'm doing everything in my power
to make it difficult
to arrest you.
Hold on there, Captain.
What is that? What you got all
that from?
-T.I. gave me all this.
-When you know T.I.?
This from the movie
Scarface. He said, say
hello to my little friend.
What is that?
Shit, El Chapo gave me.
This shit all broke up.
Hold on now, I got a couple more
things. O.J. gave me this.
What's that?
I like to choke my chicken. I
ain't have nothing to do with
none of this, officer.
-I'm putting my hands up.
-Out of the vehicle.
Just sh**t him,
just sh**t him in the head.
Don't sh**t me.
Don't do nothing.
-Put your hands on the ground.
They don't reach down there.
Throw your feet in the air.
I can't lift them.
And wave 'em like
you just don't care.
Come on get out of the car.
-Get out the car, fool.
-Out of the vehicle!
They 'bout to sh**t me!
They 'bout to sh**t me!
Oh Lord,
I don't have no bail money.
They 'bout to take her
to the king!
They 'bout to take you
to the king!
Next case.
Your Honor, she should be
coming in at any moment.
Helluurr!
There MaDude walking.
That's not funny.
It is funny.
Oh, Jesus. Lord, why today?
Your Honor, I is so sorry to
have troubled you this morning.
Now this is all can be just
throwed away, you know?
I'm gonna tell you a little
story about my cousin.
Her name is V'Gina.
Now you know, people always
mispronounce her name, too.
Like they mispronounce
Judge L'Oreal.
People might wanna call you
Judge Revlon or something,
but you know, they, they call
her vag*na.
But it's V'Gina,
'V' apostrophe G-I-N-A.
It's V'Gina. V'Gina!
He can't even spell vag*na.
That's what she trying to spell,
vag*na.
Can't even spell it.
But we damn sure can smell it.
Y'all smell it?
Y'all heard?
-Dad, dad.
-Don't call me that.
Boy, you ain't smell vag*na
since 1932.
-How you doing, Your Honor?
-Saw it this morning.
MaDude, be quiet, and be
respectful in my courtroom.
That means shut up.
I understand. I was just trying
to explain to you why my cousin,
she had been bullied by that
name. She 52 years old,
and I didn't want that to happen
to you. Your Dishonor, you know.
I'm warning you.
I understand. I'm just, I'm
gonna be quiet right up here in
your courtroom today.
Yes, yes, yes I am.
I believe you gonna fry.
You better shut your ass up.
Just shut up talking to me.
Shouldn't have ran
all them red lights.
-Bailiff?
Keep your good eye on this one.
She's trouble.
Well, it looks like that way to
me, Your Honor.
Looks that way to me,
Your Honor.
This whole courtroom looks
suspect.
Matter of fact, this whole
courtroom looks suspect.
MaDude Himms, you are sentenced
to 180 days jail time
for attempting to evade
the police.
Your cellmate will be R. Kelly.
Oh!
He not my type, Your Honor.
You gonna be trapped
in the closet.
Followed by six months
of house arrest.
Then we will possibly
reevaluate your probation.
Don't reevaluate it.
Just keep it like it is.
Also... mandatory church on
Sundays.
Not the church!
Church.
Oh, Lord.
Gimme anything but church!
-Church!
-You 'bout to have
a religious love.
No, Lord, please gimme
solitary confinement.
Y'all got a bed big enough
for her?
Gimme the electric chair!
Church!
-We're gonna help you!
-No, we ain't.
Jesus!
Well, I know how you feel.
Believe me.
Well, I know how she feels.
Case Closed.
Yes!
I get to use my d*ck pump
all by myself.
Pornhub all week. Gimme one!
Not even God
can save your ass now, MaDude.
I can't believe MaDude's going
to jail.
I can't believe I lost the case.
I am the worst lawyer ever.
I'm the worst everything ever.
I mean, God where are you when I
need you?
God.
Bam. He was incensed.
Pow! Wu Tang, n*gga.
I can say n*gga in heaven.
But you can't!
I been me damned.
When God told me to
write a movie, I never thought
the devil would show up.
Do you see the color of my suit?
Who the hell you think I am?
That's what I get
for not writing.
Perfect. Makes perfect sense.
The devil's talking to me.
Why wouldn't
the devil talk to me?
Well, I'm sensing
you kind of need my help.
How may I be of service there?
No.
I have been appointed by
the Lord.
I'm delivered. I'm delivered.
I'm delivered.
Well, brother,
if you don't need me,
I'll just go back
to the Proud Boys community
and Peckerwoods.
Hey, they love me over there.
I'm their idol.
Hasta luego, Fairy.
It's Pherry.
My name is Pherry, Pherry,
Pherry!
No, it ain't.
Damnit.
This is BS.
I bet you never show up to
Kevin Hart's bathroom like this.
Write the vision, son.
Write the vision.
I finally figured out
what I needed to do.
I needed to write the movie.
So I decided to have
my assistant, Joy, write it.
With Joy around, there's no
need for AI.
Oh!
This is plot,
character development.
This is a storyline.
-Can we put that in the movie?
-Put what in the movie?
A storyline.
A storyline?
Yeah. Just steal it.
Just put it in the storyline.
Yeah. Okay.
-Just write it down.
Make me look good.
-Okay.
I can steal all things through
Christ who strengthens me.
We stealing this.
You going to hell.
-What you say?
-Nothing. Mm-hmm.
Ooh. This is gonna be good.
We going to use it all.
Just mix it up like a gumbo.
I smell WGA.
I smell Oscar.
Everybody gonna wanna be
in my movies.
Joy, when I blow up,
I'm not taking you with me,
but keep writing.
Oh! Oh!
Write this down! Montage.
Every movie need a montage.
A good montage.
Joy, how is my screenplay going?
Oh, it's going.
But wait, wait, wait.
No, don't talk, more writing.
I just want to envision myself
in the words.
No, no, don't stop writing.
Ooh, it's gonna be so good.
Damn, I'm good. Damn, I'm good.
That's lazy.
Mm, I need this job.
I need this job.
I need this job.
-I like that.
Watch for that for me.
-You're so close to me.
Yeah, we're very close.
This is close. You read my mind.
This is exactly what...
We're on the same wave...
You're so physically
close to me.
Yeah. Yeah. Go down, go down.
Scroll, scroll.
I'm scrolling.
Wait, wait. Stop, stop. Too
fast. Go back up, up, up, up.
Yeah, yeah. So great. Wonderful.
Oh!
Hey, this is Attorney Pherry.
The P is silent.
Wait, MaDude?
No, I can't possibly deal
with MaDude today.
That's not on my docket.
I'm in the middle of writing
a screenplay.
Could you scroll please?
Thank you.
No, I couldn't possibly do that.
Thank you.
Damn, that's good.
I'm a good ass writer.
That's so good.
Oh, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.
Look at us here just getting
clean,
so we can be there with the Lord
in the end days.
You know, cleanliness is next to
Godliness,
and I know he love you because
I sure do.
Oh, Lordy, Lordy.
Make sure y'all get all that
dirt off you.
Oh, uh...
Done seen too much. No, no, no,
we good.
Sure we should make this water
get us a little colder.
God. You know, I'm a old lady.
Only got so many of these left.
All right, ladies, two-minute
showers up. Let's go. Let's go,
let's go!
I knew there was a God.
Come on. Let's go.
Well, it was so nice to see you
ladies. Y'all go ahead.
Y'all get on out here.
Ladies, cut that water off.
Y'all been here long enough now.
Come on.
We in a drought.
Stop your yabbering.
Look Barney Fife,
I'm just trying to make sure
everything is where it needs
to be.
You're taking all day.
You want to go home or not?
Got me up here with all this
temptation, wetness, and water.
Just trying to be my best
Christian self.
Today's your lucky day, MaDude.
Let's go.
Ain't a jail alive that can hold
me, baby.
Where my shit?
Is this yours?
Hell nah, that ain't mine.
What the hell I look like?
You can keep that.
Well, I'll save it for you
when you get back.
Well, I ain't coming back to
here. No, no, no. No way.
But you know what?
You might be right.
I'll be back for my next movie.
Free at last, b*tches,
free at
last!
Oo-wee!
Look at the fresh air out here.
Damn, it is hot. Hell is my
family at? There your ass is.
Why you late?
Just get your big ass in the
car, San Quentin Tarantina.
They gonna have your ass
right back up in here.
The end.
Ooh, Joy, this is fabulous.
Fool, this might be the best
thing I ever done.
Written by Taylor Pherry,
my P is silent.
What? What the... No, no, no!
Let me tell you,
computers ain't like your
stories, man.
They need backup.
Please.
Stop praying, bitch.
He ain't gonna help you now.
What the...
It's like life.
The devil's in the details.
Says you.
Oh, man.
I thought you weren't happy with
my work?
Your work is pure joy, son.
It's probably best to say
that you were divinely inspired.
-I was, wasn't I?
-It's time to go worship, son.
Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord.
What we're here
to do today is...
give it up to the Lord.
Amen.
All of our plans?
We give it up to the Lord.
All of our ideas?
Uh-huh, uh-huh!
We giving it up to the Lord.
You hear me?
-Lord!
-Hallelujah!
-Amen!
-Mercy. Mercy!
-Yes, Pastor!
-Yes.
Listen, now. All our wishes,
we give it up to the Lord.
-Up to the Lord.
-Yes!
-Hallelujah!
-That's right, that's right!
-Hallelu!
-And all of our money...
-Yes, yes.
-Yes--
You give it to me.
-To the...
-What?
Are you with me?
No, no. That ain't gon' be it.
I thought we was giving it up to
the Lord.
No, thank you. Hallelujah?
Helluurr!
No, Miss Celie.
Oh, Lord, have mercy.
The one day I come to church,
look at this.
The devil showed up.
I've been sinning
I've been sinning
Think I done gone blind
for two seconds.
I'm a heathen when the
devil get up in me I've
been thinking
-She going to hell.
-She going to hell hell.
Like real hell.
Moe got lice
Moe got lice
All these Christians in my
face And I'm feeling kind
of like a criminal
But that's okay
She's shaking,
she's shaking her ass in church.
Where that boy
Who got that hair
I don't like it?
Thank you for my Pilates class.
There he is
Good day
And tight yeah and
I'mma go on, go on, go on...
Jesus, I wasn't supposed to come
to church today. That's...
Hi.
Come on, Pastor.
-MaDude,
you 'bout to catch on fire.
-Oh, Lord.
Keep your eyes off my
fattie, Pastor I don't
want you
No more
No, no, no. Hey, hey.
Hallelujah.
They got chicken at church.
If I had known that
I'd have been here months ago.
Hey, must be Church's Chicken.
Moe got lice, y'all.
k*lled 12 Clydesdales for them
boots.
Go ahead. Pastor on, carry on.
Praise and praise, do it up.
Come on, Pastor. Go 'head,
preach.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we got a special guest.
Taylor Pherry?
Me?
It's your day to lead us in
prayer. Get on up here.
All right, all right!
Get on up there, baby.
All right. Thank you, thank you.
I'm so nervous. First, giving
honor to God and...
Amen.
And the congregation, I just
wanna say, put your hands
together.
Yes!
I wrote a movie, y'all.
Y'all wanna sing a song
or something for me?
Can he do everything?
Hey!
Can he do everything?
Can he do everything?
Can he do everything?
Can he do everything?
Can he do everything?
'Cause I can, I can, I can!
Come on, Hoprah. Come on,
Hoprah. Hoprah, Hoprah, Hoprah!
Can he do everything?
Can he do everything?
Can he do everything?
Get out the way!
Where's my successor?
Can he do everything?
I crown, Taylor Pherry,
the new me.
And with me, thy will all come.
I wrote a movie Inspired by God,
and it's coming out soon,
and each of you is gonna get
a movie premiere ticket!
And you get a ticket!
And you get a ticket!
And you getting a ticket.
Don't think I forgot about you!
You getting a ticket.
Y'all getting tickets!
You getting a ticket!
And that is my story.
The story of how I became
the world-famous writer,
director, actor, producer,
lawyer, doctor, handyman,
plumber, mover, shaker,
Grossmates delivery driver
you now know and love.
And I'll make sure you also
get a ticket to my next
church movie.
Coming to a theater near you.
Today was a God's Day.
Won't I do it? Won't I do it?
Thank you Lord
For all you've done
For all you've done for me
Come on, ya
Thank you, thank you
Thank you, I thank you Lord
Yes, you are so good
You took me off the streets
Yes, there's no ghetto
here in Hollywood
You said this be the light
I know you're right
With you I know I could
Turn to your neighbor
and said, yeah, God is good
Folks won't go to church
but they'll name
their daughters Faith
Just to walk around the house
and then say they walk by faith
Let me make this statement
I'm thankful, so grateful
Turn pain into
a wonderful life
'cause God is able
I'm grateful
So grateful
I'm grateful
Come on, y'all
For all you've done for me
Thank you Lord
For all you've done
Ladies and gentlemen
For all you've done for me
Put your hands together
Thank you Lord
You've been so good
You've been so good to me
Come on
I was down, I was lost
I was broken
When you called out my name
said I was chosen
Brand new life I found
You turned it all around
Now I'm singing hallelujah
'cause you saved me
I left my past in the past
I'm a changed man
So much joy that I have
I'm renewed, man
'Cause you broke the chains
that were binding me
Now I'm free, I'm free
I'm free
I'm grateful
Yes, I am, yes, I am
So grateful
So...
I'm grateful
For all, for all, for all
For all you've done for me
Thank you Lord
If you're thankful
For all you've done
Make some noise
For all you've done for me
'Cause he's been too good
Thank you Lord
You've been so good
Yes, He has
You've been so good to me
Come on, come on, yo
Thank God, you're good
We here, we can
Live in Christ
You omnipotent
You been so good
This gonna be our year
Let the world see you dance
The party's over here
I thank you God
I thank you much
We got our power back
and now we can't be touched
It's amazing what you done
Thank you for your son
I'm grateful
I gotta get these words
off my tongue
Thank you Lord
Thank you Lord
For all you've done
For all you've done
For all you've done for me
For all you've done for me
Thank you Lord
Sing it out
You've been so good
So good
You've been so good to me
Oh, thank you Jesus
Just said half
Yes, she did
Just said half
Yes, she did
Just said half
Yes, she did, yes
Just said half
Just said half
Just said half
Not one percent but half
Just said half
Not two percent but half
Just said half
Cut it all in half
Just said half
Just said half
Just said half
Just said half
Just said half
Just said half
Fifty percent
Just said half
Cut it all in half
Just said half
Oh, Lord, I'll trust in you
Oh, Lord, I'll trust you
Oh, Lord, I'll trust in you
Oh, Lord, I'll trust you
Oh, Lord, I'll trust in you
Oh, Lord, I'll trust you
Oh, Lord, I'll trust in you
Oh, Lord, I'll trust you
Not Another Church Movie (2024)
Moderator: Maskath3