Dakotakid.
Breaking news here, guys,
out of Hollywood this morning.
C-list actor...
C-list actor...
Let's upgrade him.
The devoted actor...
Longtime actor...
Emerging actor...
Up-and-coming actor,
John Durfy Junior, has died.
What?
What?
Apparently,
he was attempting a stunt
to prepare for his upcoming role
as Harry Houdini.
Whoa.
He got the gig.
This story is crazy.
So, allegedly,
Mr. Durfy was a method actor
and was working with
a retired magician.
For those who don't understand
method acting,
it's usually when
one actor decides
to take it really seriously
and bums out everyone else
on the set.
He needs a better method.
He was doin' a stunt.
Stunt went wrong--
Stunt gone wrong--
Sounds like a stunt
gone wrong right there.
Yeah, it did.
I mean, it really went wrong.
Durfy died during a stunt
gone wrong involving Durfy
being handcuffed...
Attempting to swallow a...
A key?
...he tragically choked on.
Entertainment sources say
it's another senseless death
at the hands of method acting.
- That is sad news.
- Wow.
What a terrible tragedy.
Whew.
John Durfy Junior,
may he rest in peace.
I-- I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.
Neither can I.
I feel like
I just saw him.
Yeah, he just called me
last week.
It was a butt-dial,
but still...
It's just not real.
It can't be real.
Hey,
what if it's not real?
It's real, Zane.
So where's Shelly?
He's outside.
He needed a minute.
I think we can get started.
I wanna thank everybody
for being here today
to honor
the life of my brother,
Murphy John Durfy Junior.
It means a lot.
His name was Murphy Durfy?
I had no idea.
I didn't know that.
Shh. Doc.
Since Mom and Dad passed,
it's just been
me and my brother
and my sister.
I wanna thank Uncle Tommy
for comin' all the way up
from Texas.
Thanks, Tommy.
What?
You know, Durfy was older
than I am, but I always
felt like the big brother.
Always looked after him.
Tried to do my best.
Standin' up here today,
I realize...
maybe I didn't do enough.
Oh, hell no, Jack.
No, you were the best brother
he could ever ask for.
Hell, if they had a--
a buckle for best brother,
yours would be
the size of Texas.
Go Cowboys!
Thank you, Tommy.
Appreciate that.
What?
Okay.
Anyway,
if anybody would like to
get up here and share a memory,
now's the time.
"Durfy was my friend,
and when I lost my nuts,
Durfy treated me--
always treated me
like a person who had nuts."
Hi, everybody. I'm Bob.
Me and these guys
grew up with Durf.
As you can see, we're--
we're pack animals.
We practically
raised each other.
We're family.
And when we were kids,
we started this thing
called the Buddy Games.
It started as Wiffle ball
in the backyard, and--
Well, it evolved
into a tradition
that continues even today.
It's ours.
And Durfy...
And Durfy showed up...
No matter where he was in life,
he always showed up.
We all did.
We show up for each other.
I mean, that's the point, right?
Well, today...
today we're down a man.
And I-I-- I just...
I don't think any of us
can believe it.
You know, I remember loanin'--
loanin' Durfy some money
for a few of those Buddy Games.
Even though I thought
they were a little lame
and a total waste of time.
They were important to him,
and that's what mattered.
'Cause that's
what brothers do.
Thank you, Bob.
Would anyone else
like to come up and share?
Yeah, I--
I'd like to say somethin'.
That's why we're here, Jack.
Go, buddy.
It's okay.
Durfy...
He wasn't just
one of my best friends.
He was also my first patient
as a chiropractor.
When I got certified,
everyone was too scared
to have me work on 'em.
Except for Durfy.
He never sued me.
Doesn't matter
how bad I hurt him.
Oh, and I hurt him.
Okay, great.
Thanks, Jack.
That--
Uh, Zane here.
Durfy had such
a beautiful heart.
He was the first person
that I ever told that I was gay.
That's right.
You're not alone, Uncle Tommy.
I knew that I could trust him.
And I knew that
he would never judge me.
And he kept my secret for...
for decades.
Until I came out again
to Doc on his table.
Isn't that right, Doc?
Yeah.
Durfy also
helped me put together
my first leather swing set.
If you all don't know
what that is...
Okay, Zane, that was great.
...it's an indoor...
Zane, that was great.
It's for indoors.
Zane, I think
they'll figure it out.
Well, Murphy Durfy.
I met Durfy in kindergarten.
That's how far back we go.
I was on the playground,
picking my nose.
Kid walks up, laughs at me,
punches me in the face.
This squirrelly kid named Durfy
tackled that kid,
pinned him down,
and he goes,
"You think that's funny?
'Cause it's snot."
And he proceeded to
pick the kid's nose
and slap the kid's boogers
right in his face.
Then I joined in.
It was just pick and slap.
Pick and slap, pick and slap.
Okay, Bender, Bender.
That's enough
from you guys, okay?
You know, you're the reason
we're here, right?
All the partyin'
and your stupid
f*ckin' Buddy Games.
Look where it got you.
You're nothin' but single,
middle-aged losers.
You never grew up.
I got this, Jack.
Now, I've heard
just about enough
of this shit.
There are three
important things in life:
hard work, determination
and the good book.
And that all went out the window
when he started hangin' out
with his buddies
instead of his family.
And look,
he didn't even have kids.
Hell, I got nine!
That's right. And tellin' him
that he needed to be an actor
instead of followin'
in the family business
and doin' good, honest work?
No, he goes chasin' dreams.
Well, I've said it once,
I'll say it again,
dreams are stupid!
Exactly right!
I've said it nine times!
Don't chase your dreams.
What?
- Come on.
- Finally, somebody's speakin' some sense around here.
Jack, we only encouraged Durfy
to do what made him happy, okay?
That's what friends do.
We loved Durfy like a brother,
and you know it.
You know what?
He already had a brother.
Where you going?
What's he doing?
We're gonna go spread
Durfy's ashes
out at the family business,
where he belongs.
Anybody else
who wants to come along,
you're more than welcome.
He wouldn't want that.
That is a terrible idea,
Jack.
Oh, my!
Holy shit.
I got this, I got this.
I got the urn. It's okay.
Relax. It's okay.
Thank you. I'll take...
Thank you. No, I'll take...
Let me bless it.
It needs blessing!
It's okay. It's okay...
What's going on?
Zane! Give it to me!
I can't, Jack!
Doc! Quit it, you d*ck!
Zane!
I'm not messin' around.
I'm gonna beat you--
Put that-- Give--
Wait a sec! Stop f*ckin' around!
Okay, I'm sorry. Here.
Hey!
Zane!
Listen to me, you--
Doc!
I'm open!
Give me the urn! Right now.
Zane, block for me!
God, I am so, so sorry!
Come on!
f*ck, yeah!
Start up the chopper!
Let's go!
Where's your car?
I'm parked down here!
Right.
- Come on.
- That's a helicopter.
Come on, let's go!
- Shelly! Shelly!
- Hurry, hurry!
Hey.
Shelly!
They're coming.
They're getting too close.
Is this Durfy?
What the hell? What--
You go, you go! Shelly!
There's no time!
Just get in the helicopter!
- Zane!
- Let's go, Shelly!
I got this!
What is going on?
Let's go, man!
Let's go. Come on!
Come on, go, go, go!
Zane!
He's staying behind!
He's a fighter!
Hey!
Oh.
Hey, Jack.
How are your balls?
Shut up!
Oh, my God!
Oh, no!
Zane, get up.
Get up!
Get up, m*therf*cker!
Yes!
Yes!
We gotta go back down and get him!
We gotta go back.
We can't! Those people
are f*cking crazy!
No! Never leave a man behind!
Holy hell,
we're actually flyin'.
This is pretty cool.
So you brought your helicopter
to Durfy's funeral?
Yeah, it-- Traffic sucked.
No, it didn't.
You just keep this thing
on standby all the time,
or what?
Some people have
personal drivers, Shelly.
It's basically the same thing.
Uh, it's way
f*ckin' different.
Way cooler.
Oh, shit.
Uncle Tommy's got a g*n.
What?
He's not gonna sh**t us.
Nah.
No, he's not.
Is anybody hit?
I just peed a little.
Actually,
I just peed a lot.
Fly faster!
Okay, we're good.
I'm soaked.
Absolutely soaked.
Oh, my God.
What did we just do?
Well, we just kidnapped
a f*cking urn.
Did we break the law?
Are we criminals now?
I mean, I'm gonna say no,
but I think yes.
Well, we couldn't let 'em
just dump Durf in some ditch!
I agree.
Man, I can't go to jail.
It's gonna throw off
my whole trajectory. I still
got a whole life to live.
I could help people.
Some of us
already do help people,
thank you very much.
Doc, you're not a firefighter,
you're a chiropractor, so...
None of us
are going to jail, okay?
Because Jack and Uncle Tommy
are gonna f*cking sh**t us.
All right, so...
what are we gonna do
with Durfy's ashes?
Huh?
I mean,
he loved Chipotle.
Yeah.
Are you f*ckin' stupid?
Yeah.
Durfy was
an In-N-Out man.
Oh, yeah.
Double-Doubles all the way.
Okay, just for fun,
how about a place that isn't
a fast-food restaurant?
Come on, we got the chopper.
We can go wherever the f*ck
we want to.
Durfy loved the moon.
It's Zane.
Zane!
Oh, God.
Thank God.
How are you doin'?
Oh, my God, you guys,
that was so crazy.
I can't believe
Brokeback Mountain
pulled out a f*cking Howitzer.
I barely escaped with my life,
but I knew--
I knew that a real sacrifice
had to be made
in order to pull off
this mission.
So brave. So brave.
Yeah.
Where are you?
You know what? I'm--
I'm not entirely sure.
I just-- I ran so fast.
I might be in a different state.
Where are you guys going?
Well, we're just kinda
flying around right now,
trying to figure out
where we're gonna spread
Durfy's ashes.
How about a Chipotle?
Thank you. Thank you.
Where was Durfy the happiest?
Easy. Harrison.
Oh, wow.
Of course.
I don't remember
much of the '90s,
but I remember that place.
All the booze and the broads,
and I had hair!
That was the fornication
vacation for all of us,
I believe.
Happiest I've ever seen him,
I swear.
Let's do it.
Let's take him back there.
It's perfect,
if you think about it.
That is where it all began.
Zane, where are you?
We'll come get you.
Yeah.
That's okay.
I think my face is broken.
I should probably
change my underwear.
No, I-- I--
I risked everything.
You guys gotta go.
Okay.
Finish this thing.
I'll be with you in spirit.
Well, let us know
when you get home safe,
all right?
We'll let you know when we land.
Okay, bye.
Bye, bro.
Love you, brother.
Love you.
All right.
Later, buddy.
All right,
but we ain't going back
to Party Marty's.
No Party Marty's.
Who said anything
about Party Marty's?
The incident?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no shit.
It's been 25 years.
There's no way Marty
remembers the incident.
Well, I f*cking do.
Okay, fine. We'll
steer clear of Party Marty's,
but we'll go to Harrison.
Yeah,
we'll go to the lake.
Yeah.
Screw it, let's do it.
All right, I'm in.
All gas, no brakes.
Whoo!
A lot of people down there.
Busy weekend.
I hope it's not
another church retreat.
Remember how awkward
that was?
Yeah.
- No. Boobs. I see boobs.
- Boobs?
Where?
Where?
No, like, a lot of boobs.
I don't see any boobs.
I gotta get my eyes checked.
Oh, yeah, I do.
I see...
Cheers, ladies!
Oh, my God.
It's spring break.
Oh... my... God.
Yeah, definitely
not a church retreat.
Beautiful.
Look at that.
This is pretty sweet.
Hey, big boy!
Thank you.
How's it goin'?
Thank you.
You know what? We're here.
We should get a beer, right?
Yeah, a couple beers.
Durfy would want us to have
a couple beers and a shot.
Do a couple sh*ts.
Yeah.
Two beers, two sh*ts.
For sure.
Let's get out
of these suits.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's time for the Buddy Games!
Are you ready, party people?
Did he say
what I think he just said?
There's no way.
There's no way. I think
he said "bunny games."
It's probably
a rabbit drinking game.
Bender, how dumb are ya?
How do you even
feed yourself?
No, no, no.
He clearly said,
"It's time for the Buddy Games."
I told you guys,
I can't go to Party Marty's.
Come one, come all!
We will drink until we fall!
We gotta get to
the bottom of this, boys.
Yeah, let's go.
- Come on, Doc, grow a pair.
- Doc, let's go.
Welcome, spring breakers,
to Party Marty's,
home of
the 25th Annual Buddy Games!
What the hell is this?
What?
Oh, this son of a bitch
straight-up stole our games.
For those of you
brave enough to compete,
come on in and sign on up.
They even copied the bucket
and made it better.
Way better.
Look,
you're the Bobfather.
You started these games.
You gotta get in there
and stop these posers.
Come on, man.
Let's go, Bob.
Hey, I don't see
any bunnies, Bender.
Shut up.
This is like
some Twilight Zone shit, man.
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
It hasn't changed a bit, man.
Exactly the same.
Exactly the same.
It smells the same.
Oh, my God.
We're still banned.
Is that Brad Pitt?
No, that's me.
So many balls ago.
Hey, don't forget
to hit us up on the Grams.
Smash that like on YouTube, huh?
He's still here.
He's still alive!
Doc, relax!
Let's get out of here.
We can have a beer
anywhere.
Shh. It's fine.
Relax.
Just play it cool.
You got it.
We gotta find out
what's going on now.
He's so old now.
How you doin'?
Well, hello, my brothers.
What can I do for ya?
Can we get a pitcher
of margaritas, rocks?
All the salts.
Got a tab?
Uh, yeah. Under Dixie...
Normous.
Dixie Normous.
That's funny!
Hey, how about
a nice pitcher of our special,
the Bikini Bottom?
Ooh, that sounds fun.
If there's alcohol in it,
we will drink it.
There is alcohol in it.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
We don't serve these up
very often, man,
but, boy, when they do,
it's a special event,
I'll tell you that.
So what's with these games
you got goin' on?
Oh, you mean the Buddy Games?
Yeah.
That's a Party Marty tradition.
Huh.
What?
One day to rule them all.
My idea.
And last, but not least.
Is that f*ckin' sauerkraut?
Hey! Bikini Bottom!
Yeah, Debbie's just
finishing up a double shift.
Huh.
A lot of stuff in there.
Oh, my God.
You're putting it in?
Oh. Actually, can we just
get a pitcher of margaritas?
Sorry. We're all out.
But you know what?
How about a nice pitcher...
of go f*ck yourself?
You think
I don't remember you guys?
I told you to
never come back here again!
Especially that one!
Sir, I wanna apologize
about the incident.
- It was an accident.
- Yeah, man.
We weren't gonna
come back here
until we found out
you ripped off our games.
Ripped off?
That's an interesting
choice of words. Huh?
Oh, Christ.
You know how hard it is
to get shirts to hang right
with one nipple?
Jesus, Murphy!
Ow!
Ugh.
Oh, my God!
I'll k*ll you!
I'm sorry. I didn't know
you had a nipple ring.
You stole somethin' from me, so
I'm taking somethin' from you.
We were a bunch of kids
back then.
Get the f*ck out!
You know what...
All right, Marty.
We just need
one more team to throw down.
Ready to go, bro-yo.
Hey, wait, wait!
What about you old guys?
You guys wanna play?
Nobody wants to see
a bunch of old dicks
play the game.
Nobody wants to
see your old d*ck!
Tell that to my 600
TikTok followers, dipshit.
You know what?
I think we will play.
No.
I said no.
I said yes.
That's double the fee.
We're in.
Okay, fine.
But shithead has
to drink the special.
I'm not drinkin' that.
He's a p*ssy, Marty.
He won't drink it.
Whatever.
He won't drink it.
He won't drink it!
Come on, Doc.
No, I won't drink it.
He won't drink it!
You can drink anything.
All right, fine.
I'll drink it!
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
You're Doc.
I guess I owe you this.
Oh, God.
- Don't smell it.
- Don't smell it.
Chug! Chug!
There you go.
I didn't think
he'd actually do it.
Yeah. He's doing it.
Yeah, Doc! Yes!
That's it, Doc.
Yes!
Okay, Doc!
That's how we do it!
Yes!
Legend.
All right,
hey, what do you guys
wanna call yourselves?
Uh, the OGs!
Right, the OGs.
The Oldies, got it.
No, OGs, like orig--
Damn it.
Ladies and gentlemen
and nonbinary allies,
your mom calls me
Long d*ck Larry,
but you can call me
Larry Lampshade.
I am the grand master
of disaster.
The czar of the wet bar.
- The CEO of let's f*cking go!
- Let's f*cking go!
Welcome to the Buddy Games.
Buddy Games! Buddy Games!
Let's meet
this year's competitors.
Say hello again
to this mean team
of lithe Lilith warriors.
Bitchcraft!
Yeah! Whoo!
This next team
brings a hard-edge approach
and quite
the social media presence.
Give it up for TREND Z!
This team joins us all the way
from the old folks' home.
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for the Oldies!
- Show us your tits!
- Suck a d*ck!
And last but not least,
let's hear it
for the two-time
returning champions,
the meanest of the mean,
the baddest of the bad!
Let's hear it for
the Bad Brotha Fuckaz!
Really?
Brother f*ckers?
What?
What'd he say?
I'm sorry.
What are you saying?
I don't know what you said.
Get your game face on. f*ck!
Let the games begin!
Fishbowl.
Where? Where?
Bitchcraft!
Yeah!
We started the Buddy Games, and we're gonna finish 'em!
You don't exist without us!
We're the OGs, baby!
Let's hear it
for the Oldies.
O-- OGs!
Yeah! That's how you do it!
And that's a win
for the Oldies.
That all you got?
Come on!
Bitchcraft! All of you, babes.
TREND Z wins!
Yes! Yes!
Nobody needs to see that.
Blow, blow, blow, blow, blow!
Go, go, go, go!
Blow, blow, blow, blow!
Blow, blow, blow!
Come on, man,
get through there!
Blow, blow, blow, blow!
Get in there, get in there!
Oh, my God. No!
You can do this!
Go! Come on, let's go!
Tight!
Whoo! Yeah, baby!
Hey, baby.
No!
Get back!
Yeah!
I have chosen.
Are you sure?
All right.
It's down to two teams.
On my left, we have
the baddest boss b*tches
on the beach, Bitchcraft!
And on my right,
the dark horses,
the underdogs,
the ones literally no one saw
making it this far,
the Oldies!
Yeah!
It's the OGs.
Yeah, whatever.
Final game.
It's high noon.
Whoever wins this competition
will go home
with the Buddy Games
championship bucket.
Teams, pick your player.
All right, all right.
Who wants to take this one?
I would, but I don't wanna
take all the glory. Bob?
No, I'm gassed.
I don't think I can.
Oh.
Dude, I tore my taint
playing football.
I'm, like, out.
What about you, Shelly?
Hell, yeah, their queen bee's
been eyein' me all day, buddy.
I think I can seal the deal.
All right!
All right! Yeah!
Break!
This is our guy.
That's our guy.
Competitors, the rules
of high noon are simple.
You will start
with your backs to one another,
you will walk five paces,
you will chug your beers,
you will turn around
and you will chuck
those beer cans
at one another.
Whoever hits first, you win.
Players.
Choose your weapons.
Hi.
Hi.
Good luck, honey.
I'm gonna go easy on you,
'cause, well, you remind me
of my granddad,
and that makes me sad.
Granddad?
How old do you think I am?
I don't know. Old.
Forty?
Aw, f*ck.
Three, two, one, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Oh, God.
Whoo!
Yeah!
Hey, Shell-- Oh.
Shell, are you okay?
I don't know.
Does my face look okay?
It's not that bad.
No, I-- I think it's...
Let me see. Oh, my God!
Did she throw
a grenade at you?
What the f*ck happened?
Step aside.
Oh, my...
I can fix that.
No.
Trust me,
I'm a trained professional.
Hold him, guys.
Did I get her number?
Ow, ow.
My nose...
There you go.
Oh, f*ckin' biscuits and gravy.
Doc, don't... Ow.
Just go like...
Good as new.
Yeah, I know you enjoyed that.
Little bit. Little bit.
Oh, there you are.
You lost.
But, hey,
I didn't think you'd make it
past the first round.
Pretty impressive
for a bunch of old dicks.
You're older
than we are, Marty.
Okay, boomer, don't flex.
Don't talk like that.
You have gray pubic hair.
I am sorry I didn't
tell you guys when
I started the games, okay?
But I never expected
to see you again, ever.
So what do you say?
Can we call it even?
Yes. Yes, please.
So, where's that
other friend of yours?
You remember, that goofy guy
who was in love
with my waitress?
Durf, yeah.
Oh, shit, man.
I'm sorry to hear that.
What brings you back here now?
We were gonna spread
his ashes at the lake,
but it was spring break,
and it was a full-on shit show.
Oh, man. So, where
are you gonna do it?
I don't know.
It's gettin' dark.
I guess we'll find
a place to stay
and figure it out tomorrow.
Good luck with that.
We're all booked up around here.
It's spring break.
Oh, that's just great.
Shit.
f*ck.
Oh, um...
You should probably
have this.
Oh, Durf!
That's the girl.
- Look how young he is.
- Yes, that's her.
What's her name again?
Celia.
Yeah, that's right, Celia.
She left here about the same
time this photo was taken.
Cute girl, real sweet.
Real country though.
You know, she quit
after I banned you guys,
but I'll tell you somethin',
she was in love
with your friend.
Wow. God, remember
he talked about her
for years?
He never stopped.
Where does she live now?
Well, last I heard,
she, uh, moved to a small town
not too far from here
called Backwater.
Right, the backwater town
is called Backwater?
All right, well,
thank you, Marty.
- I appreciate it.
- No worries.
Oh, it's Zane.
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, nice.
How you doin'?
Hi, Zane!
You okay?
You look completely different.
Yeah, I had to change it up.
Bob, I'm startin' to
get freaked out, man.
Jack got ahold of
my phone number somehow.
He keeps calling and calling
and leaving these
very threatening voice mails.
I can hear Uncle Tommy
in the background,
twirling his mustache
and polishing his f*cking g*n.
Hey, he's just
playin' mind games.
Block that shit, bro.
Yeah, but if he
already has my number,
who's to say
he hasn't figured out
where I live too, Doc?
Listen to Doc.
Stay calm, don't engage.
He's just trying
to get information out of you.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're probably right.
I just wish I hadn't
smacked him in the balls.
By the way, Jack...
all broomstick.
Who's that?
Who's who?
I see a little silhouetto
of a man.
Oh.
That's Whitley.
He's my new lover.
What?
Uh, nothin'. I don't know.
You guys just kinda look alike.
Yeah, Doc, my life is in danger.
I had to go incognito.
Luckily, Whitley owns a salon,
and he used himself
as a template.
Hey, Wonderbuns,
come here for a sec.
God.
Wonderbuns?
They think we look alike.
Aw.
Which means
you did a fantastic job.
Thank you.
Dude, it's like where
a person gets a dog, and then
they start to look alike.
It's like that,
except two gay guys.
Yep.
Loud and proud.
Don't hate us
because we're beautiful.
That's not why we hate you.
No, I love it, Zane.
You can literally
go f*ck yourself.
Bender!
Wow. Your friends seem nice.
Thanks a lot.
Guess I won't be getting
any ass tonight.
Hey, fellas,
time to wrap your shit up.
About five minutes, yeah?
All right, all right.
Okay.
Oh, hey,
check this out, Zane.
Remember her?
That's Celia.
The one Durfy
never stopped talkin' about.
Celia.
Oh, my God. Yes.
Hey, do you think
maybe she'd wanna come with us
to scatter his ashes?
I am loving
the sound of that.
It's so romantic.
That's a solid idea.
I think she'd wanna know.
I think we should find Celia
for Durfy.
Oh, I miss you guys.
I wish I was there with you.
But don't worry about me.
I'll be safe.
Here with Whitley.
In the swing.
All right, buddy,
we'll keep you posted.
Okay, bye.
That's so sweet.
I need you. Come to me.
Yep.
Where the f*ck
are we gonna sleep tonight?
- No idea.
- You're quite the gladiator, Bobfather.
I'm sorry,
do I know you?
I go by Phoenix.
I watched you compete,
and I came away quite impressed.
Thank you.
I'd say you and your friends
look lost,
but I know
there's no such thing.
Can I help you with somethin'?
My apologies
if you find my gaze
intimidating.
I believe the surest way
to really know someone
is to look unflinchingly
at them.
Did you lose your spaceship?
I welcome you and your friends
to a party this evening.
Ooh.
It's the full moon.
And my friends and I
will honor the moon queen
with a bacchanalia.
A f*cking alien?
What'd she say?
Yeah.
That sounds nice,
but I-- I think we're good.
Be that as it may, I sense
the world has brought you and I
here tonight for a reason.
Who am I to reject fate?
Come to the party.
And if you need
a place to sleep,
that can be arranged.
When the moon is high,
find us on the far side
of the lake.
Listen for the song.
- There will be activities...
- Beta.
...that you've never dreamed.
Well, that was weird, man.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Yeah, but she did offer us
a place to sleep tonight.
Pretty f*cking hot too, man.
I just caught a semi.
She said party.
And we're all f*ckin' weird.
We should just go.
Let's do this.
Where the f*ck is this party?
We're on the other side of the lake.
- I don't know, man.
- This is killin' my buzz.
We're gonna die in the woods.
Doc, she offered us
a place to sleep.
We've got no other option.
Just keep going.
Yeah, we do, Bob. We can
get back in your helicopter
and go to Bumfuck Island
or whatever and find Celia.
Yeah, just show up in
a helicopter in the middle
of the night, unannounced.
People f*cking
love that, Bender.
That's a great idea.
I'm sure a lot of people do...
Hey, shut up!
Shut up, you idiots.
You hear that?
I think we found our party.
Could be any kind of party.
Tupperware party,
f*ckin' underwear party,
a bukkake party.
Holy mother of God.
I don't know how to
dance to this kind of music.
I could use a beer,
I'll tell you that.
Yeah, they have beer?
I hope so.
I feel like
they have everything.
She said she was
gonna be here, right?
There can't possibly be
another giant f*ckin' raging
party out here, can there?
What was her name again?
That girl?
Falcon?
I have no idea.
Falcon?
Falcon!
I only have a few hairs.
- Don't burn 'em, please.
- Do you know a Falcon?
Falcon.
Do you guys know
a girl named Falcon?
Friends!
Tonight we welcome
new travelers.
This... is Bobfather.
Bobfather.
Hey.
This is, uh--
Enough with
the Western formalities.
Names are anchors.
They will learn
their real names shortly.
The moon decides.
She calls you...
Beef Chimi.
- Beef Chimi?
- Beef Chimi.
Beef Chimi?
That's good.
That works.
I like it.
I don't hate that.
And you!
Swollen Tick.
Swollen what?
Swollen Tick or d*ck?
Hole and d*ck?
And you, Broken Man.
What?
That's very, uh,
accurate.
Here, we reject
capitalist society.
Here, we are dedicated
to anti-consumerism
and self-expression.
And we really like
to party our asses off.
Yeah.
All right,
I like that.
This is Headwound. Sarah?
She will help you
find your journey.
Oh, my God.
Enjoy.
I have others to attend to.
Our paths will cross again.
Look at her head.
Are you okay?
You should probably
get that looked at.
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
Have we met before?
No.
You sure?
Uh...
I can taste
your pheromones.
Hey, can you buy me a drink?
I'll chow your box for a week.
Two wet ones.
My-- My box is, uh,
singing.
Hmm.
Are you sure
we've never met?
Nope.
Okay.
f*ck.
Isn't that the girl from...
I know.
So, what will your journey be?
Yeah...
Yeah, I'm good, man.
No, no, no,
we're good.
Hey, Doc.
What the f*ck
are you doin' over there?
Mmm. These shiitakes
taste like shit,
but I'm f*ckin' hungry, man.
You guys want some?
Those are magic mushrooms.
Shut the f*ck up.
They are.
Don't f*ckin' tell me that.
I just ate ten of these things.
You're gonna trip
your balls off, dude.
Oh, my God.
- f*ck, I'm gonna be so high.
- Yes.
You're gonna be high
for, like, a week.
Bob. Come on,
you gotta trip with me.
No, I'm not...
Don't make me trip alone, man.
Bender, come on. Please.
Maybe one.
One? I took ten of 'em.
I'm not gonna let you
trip alone.
And also, I think
Durfy would want this.
Yes, Durfy would want this.
Shelly, come on.
I'm not taking
any f*ckin' mushrooms.
I'll eat
these pink things, though.
Ooh.
That's fun.
Well, maybe
a gummy might mellow me out.
I'll have a couple of 'em.
I want this one.
Those are good.
What do you recommend?
What goes good with the pink?
Put your hand on things,
and whatever sticks.
Maybe a second one.
- I ate too many bees today.
- You did what?
Oh.
Well, this feels naughty.
Hey, man.
Whoa! 'Sup, dudes?
What do you got there?
This?
It's-- It's nothing.
I'm cool, man.
I did acid in Vegas.
Okay, look, Old Man Winter,
you can't handle this.
I can't handle it?
Yeah.
I can't f*ckin' handle it?
No.
My wife blew my balls off
with a paint g*n. Gimme.
Oh, shit! That's a frog!
It's His Holiness, Toad Ra.
Just one tap of the tongue
is the most powerful
hallucinogen in the whole
western hemisphere.
Ew, you lick that f*ckin' frog?
Toad.
Gimme.
I can't be responsible, man.
Gimme the frog.
Some people never come back
from this, friend.
Oh, yeah? Hello, froggy.
Just one tap is enough
to dissolve all consciousness...
What are you doing, man?
That's an abomination!
Yo, give me that back, man.
Do you have any idea
what you just did?
No, dude!
Holy...
Yo, give me that back.
Give me that.
I'll eat that f*ckin' frog, bro.
Who are you, man?
You're welcome, sweetheart.
Yeah, whatever, man.
Let's get outta here.
Puffnuts, Butterscotch,
this guy's about to
go f*ckin' nuts, man.
See that, ladies?
I perform amphibalingous.
Who wants to f*ck?
I do have to poop though.
What is this,
some kind of a staring contest?
No, this is the most intense
eye-gazing session
I've ever encountered.
Eye-gazing?
Not just the eyes.
The soul.
I can see your past life.
You are Sasquatch.
I'm sorry,
but there's
not enough dr*gs in the world
to make this interesting.
Look.
This isn't gonna work on me.
It's just--
Deep.
Deep.
You are good.
Hey, what's up, man?
Do you have tequila or vodka?
Hi. Um, no,
neither of those.
What I do have
are supplies.
I want a cocktail,
not a crayon.
This is just, um--
It's fun, it's soothing.
Yeah, so is jerking off,
but I don't do that
in front of strangers.
Okay.
Do you have whiskey?
Just hear me out.
I think we, as a society,
I think we fail to satisfy
our inner child.
Do you have
a crayon-flavored vodka?
Uh, I think--
I think we both know
that's not a thing.
Oh, who's that?
Is that a good boy?
That's a good boy.
Would you not
refer to them that way?
What do you mean, "them"?
I'm talking to the dog.
It's just that
you're using heteronormative,
cisgendered pronouns,
and-- and we don't love that.
It's offensive.
No idea what you just said.
You're assuming
the dog's a male.
I'm not assuming.
I'm just staring
at his nuts right now.
I think you're suffering
from some pretty severe
toxic masculinity, okay?
I find it triggering.
I'm regressing.
So can you get the f*ck
out of my room, Dad?
Okay.
Now, do you see the answer?
Yes.
Of course.
Wait.
Where are we?
Where we belong.
I feel so peaceful.
Doc.
Let us consummate.
Consummate.
Consummate?
Consummate.
Do you mean, like--
Consummate.
Consummate.
Come-summate.
Come-summate.
Deep inside your soul.
It smells like cheese.
Wow.
What a night.
It's very humbling,
indeed.
Oh, the summer stars
are amazing.
I don't think
I've ever seen
anything so bright.
I agree, but...
But what?
I don't wanna offend you,
as you're clearly trying
to form a connection here,
but I'd be remiss
not to point out your use
of northern hemisphere-specific
seasonal language.
Okay, you-- you lost me.
Just a tiny
inclusive language thing.
Yeah, I--
I still don't understand.
Well, instead of summer,
I like to say August.
Or even third quarter,
because although it might be
that warm season for me,
it's not that warm season
for everybody else.
We're all
in the same hemisphere here.
Sure, but it's winter
in New Zealand.
But we're not in New Zealand.
Is anybody here in New Zealand?
I'm just trying
to spread respect
and understanding.
Is that a problem?
No.
No. No, I was just... admiring
the third-quarter stars.
I appreciate your openness.
Bobfather!
Just the man
I was looking for.
Come.
There's something
I wanna show you.
Okay. Okay.
Enjoy the evening.
I knew,
upon first seeing you, that you
were just the sort of man
I have been both avoiding
and looking for
for quite some time.
And what kind of man is that?
Let's just say, of a time.
Uh...
Old-fashioned.
- Macho, manly, a real caveman.
- Okay.
Most younger men,
even the jocks,
are more evolved,
emotionally available
and sensitive these days.
You catch them crying
over cat food commercials.
So, what are you trying to say?
You're-- You're into older men?
No.
Oh.
I have a thing
for competition.
Uh-huh.
Years of toxic relationships
have led to much introspection
and soul-sculpting
to reach the heightened form
you see before you now.
I shed that former skin
like a snake sheds...
his skin.
I'm sorry,
where are we going?
And yet, I can't help myself.
Seeing you and your comrades
ignited a dormant creature
in me, yes!
I feel the burning desire
to compete.
And it burns, Bobfather.
It burns.
The young reject competition,
but I know now that it
is the great equalizer.
It drives us to oneness.
One can be both mindful
and still strive for victory,
yes?
I hadn't really
thought about it.
There you are.
Can we leave?
These people suck.
Come!
Your chariots await.
This is gonna be fun,
isn't it, buddy?
No, it's not. I'm only here
'cause I don't wanna hang out
with the woking dead.
Ready, set, go!
What?
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
You gonna cry, Bobfather?
- No? You gonna cry?
- No.
Show me your inner goddess,
Bobfather.
My what?
Yes! Your inner goddess!
My inner goddess?
Yes, let her shine!
Let her shine!
See yourself
on the other side!
Come on, Bobfather,
keep up!
I'm comin'!
Keep up! Keep up!
Oh, yeah!
Whoo!
It's beautiful,
isn't it?
No!
What's that?
What's that?
Oh, hey, Shell.
Hey.
What the f*ck?
Run for your lives!
Oh, my God!
What does that mean?
I didn't know
he was that fast!
I didn't know
he was that fat.
Keep going!
Keep going!
Durfy!
Durfy! Durfy! Durfy! Durfy!
Oh, my God.
What in the hell?
Am I dying?
Oh, my God, my head.
Oh, my God. My head.
Where are we?
I don't know.
Ow. Ow.
And how did we end up
in the same bed together?
I don't know.
What am I wearing? Did you
change my clothes last night?
No, I didn't. I--
I-- I don't--
I don't know how we got...
I have no idea
where we are.
This is so weird.
Would you-- Would you
please put that thing away?
What? Oh.
Bob, this is what happens
to men in the morning.
Yeah, they get erect.
Is your p*ssy hard?
Just get rid of it, please.
Like a d*ck magician?
Is that what you're saying?
Just disappear?
Think of something gross.
I don't know. Whatever.
Okay, fine.
I can do that.
Oh, my God.
How did you just...
How did you just do that?
You said,
"Think of something gross,"
so I thought of Shelly naked.
It decreases boners
and induces vomiting.
I'm gonna remember that.
I don't know when I'm
gonna need it, but--
Welcome, visitors.
Breakfast is now being served.
Please make your way to
the Great Room where your host
is awaiting your arrival.
Who the hell was that?
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I'm starving.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
I remember that weird lady
from last night.
Go say something.
She's right there.
What do you want me to...
I don't know,
but say something.
I don't want to
say anything. Go.
Good mornin'.
Morning.
Hey.
I'm sorry,
what was your name again?
Phoenix,
not weird lady.
Sorry.
Yeah, uh, sorry.
We got f*cked up last night.
Yeah, obliterated.
Obliterated.
Yes, we found
a higher plane last night.
Such madness happens
on the full moon,
but I trust you slept well?
Yeah, yeah. I've--
I've felt better.
So, this is your place?
Xanadu, my home.
The fruits of my labor.
Yeah, it's cool.
Why does the house talk?
That's K.A.R.E.N.
It stands for Kind Automated
Righteous Emotional Neurobot.
She runs my household.
So, what is it that you do?
Do?
I guess you could say
I simply exist
in this human vessel
to spread
my love and knowledge
to lift up other souls
and guide them
towards enlightenment.
So that paid for this?
Also, I created an app
that translates dog barks
into emojis.
While I don't subscribe
to paper currency,
I will admit
it was a necessary sacrifice
of my talents
to provide this sanctuary.
Plus, I really love jet skis.
Yeah! Jet skis.
Hey, yeah, so do we.
Gotta have money for that.
Yeah.
Oh, perfect!
We've prepared
some morning cordials I think
will be to your liking.
Bloody Mary, yes, please.
This will help
make this place less weird.
Thank you.
No offense.
Mmm.
God bless vodka.
Mmm.
Don't thank God,
thank K.A.R.E.N.
She scanned your bodies
during your slumber,
so she knows
just what you like.
Is that why I had a boner?
Wait.
What do you mean
she scanned our bodies?
Where are Shelly and-- and Doc?
We really should
probably get goin'.
Yeah.
Who?
Shelly and Doc.
Our f-- Uh...
Swollen Tick and Beef Chimi.
The fake doctor and the guy
who looks like Gargamel?
I assure you, everyone
who is meant to be here is here.
Now please,
help yourselves and drink up.
It will help you, I promise.
I will leave you to prepare
for the morning commitment.
I will see you there.
See you there.
Morning commitment?
Does that mean
they're here?
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna go find them.
This is so weird.
Doc, Shelly.
Time to get up.
We got breakfast, buddy.
Doc, Shelly.
Let's go.
We got Bloody Marys. Let's go.
Hello, Bob.
Just a reminder
that breakfast service
will end promptly at 10:00 a.m.
It is now 9:50 a.m.
Please find your way
to the Great Room
while supplies last.
There will be
no other meals until dusk.
I didn't find 'em.
And honestly, this place
is just creepin' me out.
I'm gonna go outside
and try to call 'em.
That's a good idea, Gary.
I've had three Bloody Marys,
and they're pure magic.
What? How--
And they are powerful.
Okay.
I feel like really,
really good.
I-- I think we probably
shouldn't split up.
- Come with me.
- Okay.
Come on.
No. Leave it.
Okay.
Let's go.
What the f*ck?
What the f*ck! Are you...
Okay.
There's a chicken in my bed.
There was a chicken in my bed.
Speak of the devil.
Well, if he's a devil,
then sign me up for hell,
you know what I mean?
Where's Bob?
Where's Bender?
Where the f*ck are we?
Remember, you're
at the Panty Hamster.
We like to think
it marries old-world charm
with modern conveniences.
Sit down now.
I'll get you a plate.
You earned it.
Oh, hell, yeah.
Please tell me
I didn't f*ck a chicken.
Oh, you don't remember?
I don't remember shit
from last night.
Oh, man,
how's your jaw?
I think it was, um,
"The bigger the FUPA,
the sweeter the chalupa,
Shelly."
That's what you kept sayin'
last night.
No.
You were all smiles.
There you go, big guy.
Maybe you're not hungry.
After all, you got
a belly full of p*ssy.
You know,
most men don't like to
kiss a Wookiee that much,
but like I was tellin'
your friend here,
you were like
Pac-Man down there.
Eat your eggs, man.
They're gonna get cold and slimy.
Oh, now you don't wanna eat?
Come on.
How does
such a high-tech house
have no service?
Hey.
Hey, come on. You okay?
Amazing.
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh.
Come on. Come on.
Oh, shit.
Come!
Come!
Come on.
Come on, come here.
Just in time for the wokening.
I knew you'd find your own way.
Yeah, uh, we're actually
looking for our friends.
Maybe you could give us
a drive into town, or--
or I don't know.
Point us
in the right direction?
Soon, my antique warriors.
Everything comes in time,
but right now
is the time to evolve.
You'll see.
I don't wanna evolve.
I wanna go home.
Yo, Doc and Shelly
are probably down there.
We should just go.
You think?
Okay, let's go.
Yeah.
What?
You're f*ckin'...
What are you...
Finish already.
Geez.
That's weird.
Come on, get. Get.
Chick digs you, buddy.
Did you even call Bob
and see if he could
come get us?
I called both of them.
Went straight to voice mail.
How'd they--
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh!
Okay.
Zane.
What is Zane
gonna possibly do?
Nothin'. But he's
gonna love this story.
Shelly!
Oh, thank God.
What happened to your nose?
Are you guys okay?
I've been worried sick
about you.
Hey, buddy,
it's just me and Doc now.
Listen, we were stayin'
at this seedy little Airbnb
last night,
and Doc had his face full of--
Give me that thing.
Hey, buddy, have you heard
from Bob or Bender?
No, I haven't.
I keep calling,
and I just get voice mail.
Zane?
Open up the door.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you guys.
They found me. Right now.
And they sound so, so angry.
What do I do?
Hide, hide.
Don't make any noise.
Get down somewhere and hide.
I'm not f*cking around...
I think Jack's gonna k*ll me.
And then Uncle Tommy,
he's really gonna
go to work on me.
He's not gonna k*ll you, man.
He just wants his brother back.
Just be quiet.
He won't know you're there.
Oh, God, that's awful.
Cover yourself
in clothes or somethin'.
Okay, I'm hiding.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Open the f*ckin' door!
I'm so scared right now.
And I can't believe
I'm back in the f*cking closet.
They're in the house.
Shh, Zane, shh, Zane.
Shh, Zane, shh, Zane,
shh, Zane, shh.
Well, well, well.
- Grab him, Jack.
- Zane. Zane?
What just happened?
We need to get outta here.
Let's go.
Seriously, I think
we need to call the cops.
We-- We can't call the cops.
We're criminals on the run.
No cops.
What-- What if they
kidnapped Zane?
Jack's not really
gonna hurt him.
Right?
His uncle shot at us
with live b*ll*ts, Doc.
He better not
f*ckin' hurt him,
I swear to God.
This place is disgusting.
Can we leave, please?
I can still taste it.
Ugh.
I'm not feeling so good.
Do you see them?
Do you see Doc?
I don't see 'em.
Doc?
We're never gonna make it
to Celia's house.
What's going-- Doc?
I don't see 'em.
Greetings, friends.
Oh, my God, man!
Oh, g*dd*mn.
Another beautiful day
in paradise, is it not?
Paradise. Friends.
I'm not your friend.
Hey.
You-- You got
a little mustache on you.
What are you talking about?
I don't have a mustache.
Why'd you grow your hair out?
You look like...
Are you Bob's mom?
Come on,
what are you talk...
I don't know.
We have new friends
with us today.
Greet them.
Friends.
- Hey. Hey.
- Welcome.
Welcome.
Welcome.
It's time for us
to be mindful of each other.
Be mindful.
Bob.
Bob, what's going on?
Mindful.
Bob?
This is our daily reminder
to be mindful.
To be mindful of breath.
To be mindful of song.
To be mindful of tears.
To be mindful of history.
And herstory.
And theystory.
What is that?
How the hell
are we gonna find Celia?
I wonder what the hell happened
to Bender and Bob.
My back
is itchin' like crazy, man.
Dude, am I still trippin',
or does that look like
a giant marshmallow to you?
You're trippin'.
I'm so hungry.
f*ck, still no answer.
What do you think of the name
Henrietta? I mean, look at
this chicken followin' us.
I love it.
She's so awesome.
Look at her.
I think my grandfather
was a farmer, and he said
never name your food.
Oh, shit.
Who's a good girl?
Hey. Check it out.
Backwater.
Ten miles.
Isn't that where Celia lives?
Do you think
the guys went there
without us?
Bob's got Durfy,
and they don't know
where we are...
Hold on.
Zane!
Hey, Zane!
- Hey!
- Guys!
Oh, f*ck, it was so awful!
Jack and Uncle Tommy came in,
and they--
and they grabbed me
and took me to my salon
and they imprisoned me
in one of my own beds.
Level five.
High pressure.
Damn, that's twisted.
I know!
And they wouldn't let me go
until I told them
where you were.
And I held out
as long as I could,
I swear.
But then I could feel
my skin melting.
That's gross.
Ew.
And I heard Uncle Tommy say...
..."I'm gonna come in there
and eat you, boy."
- TMI, dude.
- I had to give 'em something.
So I told them
you were at Party Marty's.
Shit. Well, did you get ahold
of Bob and Bender yet?
No.
All right. Man,
I hope those guys are okay.
Zane, you stay safe.
Okay, bye.
Damn.
All right. All right,
we gotta find these guys.
We gotta help these guys.
Backwater.
Backwater, it is.
And by the way,
that's the stupidest name ever.
Water has no front,
water has no back.
It's fluid.
It's all one thing, right?
My back
is itching like crazy, man.
Where's Henrietta? Henrietta?
Come.
And let us be mindful
of the experience
of those from Swaziland.
And those from Nauru
and Gibraltar.
Just k*ll us now.
This self-care
is important, is it not?
Now, let's have some fun.
Education is self-care too,
is it not?
Fun.
Fun.
Let's get the f*ck outta here.
Bobfather.
In you and Broken Man,
I see worthy opponents.
Do you accept this moment?
No. No, no. We gotta go.
Actually, yeah, we gotta...
We got some friends,
and this woman and this--
No.
It's kind of a long story,
but, yeah, we gotta go.
You see, we can't
let you leave just yet.
Why?
What?
Trust me.
You will be a better man
when this is all over.
Bob, are you okay?
Bob, you gotta
hang in there, buddy.
You drugged us.
It's just some
holy organic barbiturates
from the bark of a tree found
in the Brazilian rain forest.
Think of it
as nature's truth serum.
The f*ck?
You see,
I've made it my mission
in life to educate those
the world has left behind.
You like games, Bobfather?
Yeah.
Welcome to the ultimate game.
What game?
The one you are already playing.
Look, I will suck
all of your dicks
and eat all of your pussies!
You don't have to shower!
I'll just f*cking go right down!
Let us go home!
I'll f*ckin' eat a...
God. Dude.
Do I have, like, a huge rash
on my back or somethin'?
It's f*cking k*lling me.
Holy shit.
What?
When did you get
a giant f*cking back tat?
f*ck you. Seriously?
Are you serious?
It's huge.
Dude, I'm telling you.
Are you f*ckin' with me?
No, no, no, no.
It's like a dragon
or somethin' with wings
and it says,
"Durfy Es Mi Puta."
What?
What does that mean?
I don't know.
Durfy's my friend, I think.
Yeah.
That's probably what it is.
Is it terrible?
Just be honest.
No, dude,
it f*ckin' looks good
on you, man.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dude, you dodged a b*llet,
as shit-faced as you were.
You could've got
somethin' really ugly.
That's a sweet tat, bro.
It is.
Doc, you gotta get one.
All the guys have gotta get one.
We gotta get Bob
and Bender and Zane.
Everybody's gonna get one.
My back
isn't as big as yours.
I don't think
it would look right
on my back.
Hey, I'm lookin' for someone.
I hear you're the man to ask.
Oh, yeah? Who?
- Henrietta, let's go.
- Come on, you delicious f*ckin' chicken.
I don't wanna
have to carry you.
Let's go. Come on.
Come on, lunch.
Oh, Bob, is that you?
Bender, are you okay?
Where are we?
We're still high.
What the f*ck
is going on?
Is this you?
Is this you and Shelly?
What?
You did all this
to f*ck with me?
What? No! You're trippin'!
We're both high right now.
I know.
Of course
I wouldn't do that.
Ow! Damn it!
Would you chill out?
Ow. f*ck.
Hey.
There are two of us,
and there are, like,
a hundred of them.
Okay, so we just focus
on how the hell
we get outta here.
Welcome, Bobfather
and Broken Man,
to my little game.
You, like so many,
have been blind to the truth.
Blinded by racism, sexism
and other isms, all of them.
Oh, come on, Phoenix.
I don't have any isms!
We don't have time
for this!
Please, just let us
the f*ck out of here!
I have to
use the bathroom.
I have bad diarrhea.
I've gotta go now.
Can you open the door?
I'll go right here.
He'll do it!
No.
I'm gonna go potty.
I'll go right now.
Take it easy.
He'll f*ckin' do it!
Let us out!
He will go right there.
Don't do it.
He'll go right there!
Trigger warning!
Think before you speak.
You have 30 minutes.
Thirty minutes?
What do we do for 30 minutes?
Can I get a cocktail then?
No, no, no, no.
She said it's a game.
We gotta play the game.
It's what we do, right?
It's a puzzle.
Wait, wait,
it's an escape room.
Do you know anything
about escape rooms?
Uh, no.
What are you,
f*ckin' Ret*rded?
Oh, shit.
Is that 'cause
I said "Ret*rded"?
Would you stop
saying that word?
I know.
You can't say
that word anymore!
I know. I'm sorry.
Jesus.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
I was born in 1976.
Start lookin' for things.
Look for clues,
look for anything.
You see anything?
I'll repeat your first clue.
Trigger warning:
Think before you speak.
I never do that.
Is that even a clue?
- I don't know.
- Trigger. What has triggers?
Was he dropped as a baby?
I heard that.
Oh, so-- Um...
I think I found
what we're lookin' for.
Oh!
Bob, sh**t the door.
We'll sh**t our way out.
Let me just...
Wait,
what are you doing?
We did it!
We did it!
We?
You did it, Bob. Sorry.
Yeah, you did it,
so you go first.
Hey. Uh-uh-uh.
Go, Bob.
Whoa.
Shit!
Now what do we do?
Uh...
I don't know.
Do we have to find
another g*n?
Yeah, I knew it wasn't
gonna be that easy.
You wanna play?
Yeah, I wanna play.
You wanna play? Let's play!
No, no, no. Bob, Bob, Bob.
Let me do this one.
What?
Let me do this one.
Trust me.
You're a privileged white male.
What? You're white.
Yeah, but, Bob,
you're really white.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Oh.
Look at him.
Huh.
Oh.
Another room.
All right.
Wait, no, you go first.
Huh? Okay, fine.
Is it bad?
Dude, we're gonna need
to take a break, man.
It's hot as shit out here.
Every muscle in my body
is hurting.
f*ck, I'm so hungry.
I could totally
crush a sandwich.
Yeah.
Chicken sandwich.
Oh, yeah.
Don't even think about it.
What?
Any chicken sandwich.
No particular chicken.
No. No. No.
Get that outta your head.
Never, ever, ever would I
ever even think about
doin' anything like that.
All right.
I'm thinkin' about it.
Breaded.
Deep-fried.
Spicy.
This is your final challenge,
woke warriors.
Please, sit.
We got this.
Oh, my God.
This is it, Bob.
This is where we die.
A f*cking escape room.
No, we're not gonna die, buddy.
Not today, not here.
Oh.
What the f*ck?
Where's the rest
of the clown?
It's time to wake up.
Things that were funny before
are now problematic.
Now we know that real eyes
realize real lies.
The hell does that mean?
Real eyes realize real--
I don't-- What?
Is that a clue?
I'm sorry,
can you repeat that?
Don't worry about it.
Let's just see
if you can evolve.
- Evolve?
- You each get one turn to answer correctly.
We'll start with you, Bob.
Come on, Bob.
What is wrong with this image?
- Bob, you got this.
- Wha--
That's clearly a man
trying to play
in the women's league.
So that's wrong.
It's unfair for the other team.
Shit.
Ouch.
Are you all right?
The f*ck was that?
Did that hurt?
Uh-huh.
Okay, Broken Man. Your turn.
Uh, that guy's d*ck
is about to fall out
of his shorts,
and nobody wants
to see that,
that's gross.
Right.
Did I win?
Almost, but no.
f*ck, that hurts! Ow.
You okay?
The correct answer is
that the outfits these female
athletes are forced to wear
over-sexualize them.
Come on.
That's what's wrong
with this photo?
Next:
Which photo accurately
depicts feminism?
- Uh...
- Come on, Bob.
Uh...
Come on.
Number two.
Embracing her feminine form.
And--
You all right?
It's the first one, right?
The chick with the body hair
turned her armpits into vaginas
to give her more powers
as a woman!
No, no.
Ow!
Yeah, you kinda
deserved that one.
Wrong. They are both examples
of what feminism can look like.
So we were both right!
No. Both wrong.
Next one.
What is wrong with this image?
Uh...
Gender reveal parties
are bad for the environment.
Turtles and baby seals
and shit will eat that.
Yeah, that's good.
You shouldn't brag
about having kids online
because some people
can't have kids.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, my God!
Come on.
Oh!
Ow!
Three?
Oh, my God.
Three?
Okay, all right. Here it is.
We're gettin' out of here.
The parents,
they shouldn't decide
their boy or girlness,
or whatever it's called,
the gender re-- re--
ration, or whatever.
The kids should decide
their own gender.
What? Nah.
Uh, actually,
that was right. My bad.
Yeah,
I know I was right!
You don't cancel me,
I cancel you!
Again! Again!
Again!
Oh!
I love you, man.
I'm not afraid of you!
That was amazing.
So, are we done?
Come on!
Thank you.
Now take off the straps.
We won. Let us go.
You didn't win.
No, we did win.
We beat the clock.
We beat the game. We won.
You didn't simply win.
You learned, didn't you?
Yeah, sure, whatever.
Let us go.
You see, I've always had
terrible taste in men, Bob.
No matter how evolved
I've become,
no matter how peaceful
the community I built was,
I couldn't help
but be attracted to men
who are less than perfect,
less than empathetic,
less than woke.
Ugh.
Men like you, Bob.
Ah.
I always thought
I could change them,
as I have changed.
Reborn like the phoenix.
Tell me,
have I changed you, Bob?
Yeah,
I'm not sure I'm the one
that has the issues here,
but yeah, I have, uh--
I've changed.
I'm way different.
Can we go?
No.
You like to play games,
isn't that right, Bobfather?
Yeah, I do.
And in my heart of hearts,
I like them too.
Now, come on.
Do it for me.
Ick.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Up until this point,
we've played children's games.
It's now time
to play something real.
Something with stakes.
What is that
supposed to mean?
Russian roulette.
Oh, my God.
Holy shit.
A game originated
with a czarist.
Put the f*cking g*n away.
It was a game intended
as the ultimate test
of bravery and will.
Oh, my God.
You are out of your mind.
Let's find out, shall we?
No! Don't do it!
Do it!
Don't do it!
Do it!
Oh!
Oh, my God.
Oh, it's better
than any drug.
Better than sex.
Now, you do it.
No.
Yes.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
I am not gonna do that.
Live, Bob, and you and I
can have a life together.
I don't even know you!
But you do!
The Japanese samurai
lived life by the Bushido,
the way of the warrior,
which taught one the way
of dying or living as though
one was already dead.
Give me that thing!
You think I won't do it? Huh?
Bob, what are you doing?
I'm not afraid of you.
You want me to do it?
How about here?
What's the best way to do this?
Bob, put the g*n down.
Is it there?
Is it right in there?
Bob, what the f*ck
are you doing?
You think I won't do it?
You think I won't do it?
Of course I'm not gonna do it.
My toe!
g*dd*mn it!
Oh! Oh, my toe!
Ugh! Somebody find my toe!
Where's my toe?
Let's go. Come on.
Bob, get me out. Get me out.
Now's the time to go.
Where is it? Where?
- Come on. Come on.
- Where is it?
Oh, shit.
Here's your friend. Go. Now.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, okay, thanks.
My bros.
Where...
Find the toe.
Where's my toe?
Find my toe right now!
Find my toe!
No!
You take this one.
Okay.
Come on, go, go, go.
Yeah. Bye, weirdos!
Come on. We need to find
those guys and get
to Celia's. Let's go.
Oh.
I can't believe
I'm doin' this.
This is the hardest thing
I ever had to eat.
Here's a good girl.
Yeah, such a good girl.
I would never eat you,
Henny.
Shelly might,
but I would never eat you.
Yeah.
You know...
I thought eating skunk
would be disgusting.
Turns out I'm right.
This is f*cking gross.
Tastes like ass.
Boy, I think
that's the scent sac.
Ugh.
Set it up. Set it up.
Hey, kids!
Hey.
Do you know a woman named Celia?
I don't know her last name.
Where she lives?
Over there?
All right, thank you.
Come on.
Bye, weirdos.
Don't do dr*gs.
Ooh, cool place.
Oh, my God, chicken!
Doc!
Shelly!
Shelly!
- Yo! Hey!
- Oh, my God.
Yes!
- Yeah!
- You're alive!
Oh, my God!
I thought you guys were dead.
Dude, we almost did die.
We got kidnapped by a cult,
and Bob shot the cult leader.
I accidentally shot somebody.
She deserved it.
Where were you?
We ended up at a whorehouse.
What-- That's...
f*ckin' lucky!
No, it wasn't lucky, dude.
It was bad.
Where's Shelly?
We ate some bad skunk.
He's shittin' his brains out.
Shelly!
Oh, God.
Shell.
Celia.
Hey.
- Been a while.
- Yeah.
You have no idea
how happy we are to see you.
Yeah.
Where's Durfy?
Uh...
- Can we come in for a minute?
- Of course.
But, forewarning,
it really smells in here,
and it's not me.
I should have eaten
the chicken.
He talked about you
for years.
And we all felt
that it was right that--
Well, we track you down
and let you know what happened.
I loved him.
And I often thought
about trying to find him,
but I didn't know
he felt the same way.
I didn't know where to start.
I didn't even know
his whole name.
Murphy John Durfy Junior.
His name was Murphy Durfy?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, weird, right?
Shelly, let's go, bud!
Wrap it up!
It's gross!
All I know is
after our summer together,
my life changed forever.
I should tell you that--
That's it,
end of the road.
It's Jack. Time's up.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- It's Durfy's brother.
All right, assholes.
Get out here
and give me my brother!
Jack.
Jack, hold on one second.
I don't know what you're doin'
in this shit town,
and I don't care.
I tracked you fuckheads down,
and I'm done.
I'm done!
Give me the urn.
We cared about him.
We loved Durfy too.
We've gone
through hell together.
He was one of our boys.
Shut the f*ck up, guys,
and give me the urn!
Mama, is everything okay here?
Yeah, it's okay,
Jennifer.
These are friends.
They knew your father.
- What?
- Really?
What do you mean,
"knew him"?
I'm so sorry, my love.
They actually
tracked us down here
to give us some very sad news
about your father.
I'm sorry, what, um--
what's happening?
Jack,
he described you so clearly.
I remember it even now.
The intensity,
the protectiveness.
He said you were
a very good brother.
Really?
I made up that last part.
You know, I only spent
a very short time with Durfy,
but it was full
of so much passion and love,
and I will always
be so grateful
for his giving me
such a wonderful daughter.
And I'm grateful to his friends
for coming here.
You look just like him.
She looks just like him.
Yeah.
He was the best of us.
You know, I think
he should stay with you.
And then
when the time's right,
maybe we could--
Well, spread his ashes together.
I think he'd like that.
Thank you, Uncle Jack.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Shit.
Oh, Durfy, you're free!
Hey! Dust in the wind!
I can taste him!
I can taste Durfy!
Sorry, guys. I've been
up there shittin' skunk
for, like, 40 minutes.
Durfy would have wanted it
this way!
You guys dropped Durfy?
Yeah.
Yeah!
Yeah!
How are my tits in this?
Do I look good?
Dude, yeah.
They're voluptuous.
Thanks.
What are you
talking about, guv'nah?
Now, see here...
What are you
talking about?
That's that girl he never
stopped talkin' about.
Yeah.
Hey, you know what?
Maybe we should--
You should
probably have this.
Ah. Is it a picture
of your smelly old penis?
Stop it.
Can I hit him?
Smack him.
Swollen Tick
and Beef Chimi?
Swollen Tick
and Beef Chimi?
Swollen Tick
and Beef Chimi.
The fake doctor
and the guy
that looks like--
Come on.
If I do go to prison,
I'm gonna be
the belle of the ball,
so eat my shit!
Let me take that again.
Sorry, that was insane.
We ate some bad skunk.
He's in there
blowin' up the bathroom.
Wait, one more time.
We ate some bad skunk.
He's inside--
Ah, f*ck, what is it?
"Shittin'
his brains out."
Shittin' his brains out.
Never would I ever
do anything to this bird.
Get over here.
So, I've had seven Bloody Marys,
and I'm feeling very different.
Very different.
Come on.
Seven?
"One after one,
by the star-dogged moon,
too quick
for groan or sigh."
I tracked
you fuckheads down.
You're standing
right in front
of my f*ckin' camera.
Bob.
Are you still high?
I'm still high.
Were you
in Transformers?
Come on, Jack.
We only encouraged him
to do--
g*dd*mn it, sorry.
Acting.
It's so fun.
Okay, bye.
Okay, bye.
Okay, bye.
Okay, bye.
Okay, bye.
Okay, bye.
Okay, bye.
Okay, bye.
Whitley, say bye.
Okay. Bye.
Buddy Games: Spring Awakening (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3