And the plumber?
Did he look at number 55?
There's fungus on the walls.
Talking of fungi,
did you order truffles?
Great.
Save some for me.
Who's standing in for Luigi?
OK, fine.
- Did you order crayfish?
- Wait, we need crayfish.
- How many?
- Thirty.
Chef says 30. That's
what she said last night anyhow.
She left me a note.
So we ate them!
Order some more!
I'll call you back.
Why didn't you warn me?
I didn't know. She
was due back tonight.
Robert, I'm sick of doing this
only over the phone.
There are some advantages.
- That's the last time.
- The last time for what?
PRUNE RESORT
EMERALD COAST - SARDINIA
- Darling!
- I've something important to tell you.
It's serious.
We have to talk.
Serious? You haven't
been listening to gossip?
What gossip?
The facts are clear.
I'm all ears. I've
nothing to hide.
In Rome, I saw the
Pignarelli law firm.
They found big problems
with how this hotel is managed.
You had me worried.
You said it was serious.
I thought maybe…
you were sick.
The management of this place
is a load of balls.
A load of balls? I
need specific examples.
In January, 145 bottles of champagne
were given away free.
- I see.
- Bath robes disappearing.
- Yes, well…
- And as for the crayfish…
It's unbelievable.
If they go extinct,
it will be our fault.
I'm already investigating
the crayfish problem.
- What did you find out?
- I'm still looking into it.
It's all I think about.
I'm obsessed, in fact.
So from now on,
no more freebies.
Fine. I was going
to suggest it myself.
Same goes for your French friends.
It's not possible anymore.
- I'm sorry.
- But they're our business partners.
Come on.
They invested 500
Francs ten years ago.
I paid in 25 billion lire.
I'm your partner.
It's no good,
they're arriving today.
But first things first.
Let me settle the crayfish problem.
Buongiorno!
Miss Volpe? May I
have a word, please?
No time. I'm busy.
It won't take long.
Buongiorno!
- Buongiorno!
- After you.
- Buongiorno!
- Buongiorno!
Why did you say,
"that's the last time"?
Because it's over between us.
- Thanks.
- I was just going to tell Graziella.
Tell her what?
You'll never leave her.
It's been a year and a half.
I'd choose love over money any day.
But put yourself in her shoes.
You know she adores you.
Give me… three days.
Three days.
Darling, I can't
live without you.
Me neither. But you're
freezing my boobs.
May I come
in, Mr. Robert?
Of course. I'm just
holding a frozen pig.
- There's a problem with the hot tub.
- Shit.
What is this?
A mop full of prunes.
Why is it full of prunes?
I hadn't finished cleaning.
- How come?
- I was on my break.
- You just started your shift.
- Employee's choice.
This isn't the first time.
Any more problems, you're out.
Employer's choice.
Arrivo.What's
wrong with everyone?
Are you deaf?
I'm one of the
owners of this resort.
Do you understand?
You're a newbie, huh?
Mi scusi.
Scoozy to you too!
Here's my business
partner. He'll explain.
- What's going on?
- It's me!
Hi, Jérôme.
Is that your driving-school car?
I came on the ferry,
took me 18 hours door to door.
OK, Aldo, open the gate.
See? Remember
my face for next time.
I'll give you a lift.
Careful, it has dual controls.
You get used to it.
How come you've so
much stuff in your car?
There's plenty of room.
I brought all my stuff
so I save on the rental back home.
It's my home-from-home,
know what I mean?
Put it in the back.
So you quit medical sales rep?
Couldn't stand it any longer.
I did 200,000 kilometers a year.
After 12 years at med school.
My colleagues
weren't exactly Nobel winners.
In this job, I'm still driving
but not so far from home.
It's so good to be here!
Without this vacation, I'd be dead.
Turn right!
- I told you!
- I'm sorry.
No!
It's OK, he suddenly braked.
OK, that's an old scratch.
It's OK.
OK.
I can't afford any accidents
in a borrowed car.
- My insurance won't cover it.
- I understand.
Go to the service entrance.
Guys with cool cars are bad drivers.
OK, I get it.
That's not what I meant.
- How's the court case?
- You wouldn't believe it.
The appeal court wiped me out.
Pass my briefcase,
under the popcorn.
Giuseppe, how's it going?
- You look great!
- Thanks, so do you!
Come on, my big honey-girl.
I feel dizzy.
You'll be fine, honey.
And how is Mrs Giuseppe?
- Dead.
- Great!
And the kids?
Dead, too.
No more worries,
then. Come on, honey!
My heel got stuck in the ramp.
What next!
- You realize what you just said?
- What?
He told you his
whole family died.
Be more sensitive.
You wouldn't say that to a customer.
I didn't understand a word.
I can't help it if they died.
After the year we had.
- You're right there.
- Gently, now.
- Giuseppe!
- Welcome aboard.
- Buongiorno.
- Cinderella!
So I'm screwed. My only chance
is the European Court of Justice.
If I can afford
to pay an attorney, that is.
On legal aid,
you don't exactly get top notch.
He didn't even
explain to the court
that zero risk
doesn't exist in cosmetic surgery.
We'll store your bags,
your room isn't ready yet.
- Really?
- Make yourself at home.
Have a lovely prune bath,
it will do you good.
- Is Gigi here?
- They haven't arrived yet.
I just meant Gigi,
I don't care about the rest.
- Your bag.
- You know,
it's over between
Djamila and me.
Now I know, the only woman
I ever cared about is Gigi.
- Sorry, do you have a credit card?
- You know I've been blacklisted.
I forgot.
I'm sure Gigi is waiting for me.
She divorced me but we're still in love.
As the saying goes, "Marriage is a meal
that begins with dessert."
Maybe. I never
eat dessert.
Don't get your
hopes up about Gigi.
I performed hundreds of operations
without the slightest hitch.
That dumb bitch has a reaction
to her implant and I'm screwed.
We can do it in two trips.
Cosmetic surgery was a new thing,
we'd only just discovered silicone.
Pioneers always pay the price.
You won't mention it
to anyone, will you?
I never saw the kitchens before.
Move over, little girl.
Elvis wants to sit down.
Children are so rude, nowadays.
The bench isn't meant for dogs.
And we're customers just like you.
No, we are not
customers just like you.
We are the owners
of Prune Resort.
Our dog is at home here.
My credit
card? That's new.
It's a formality,
you won't pay a thing.
It's the new European
insurance rules.
- I can explain.
- I hope so!
- We can't pay to stay in our own hotel.
- That would be too much.
Is there a room for Benjamin?
He's coming tomorrow
to introduce us to his new girlfriend.
Great. Is there a
room available?
No problem.
Kevin will take
you to your room.
- Let me take a prune.
- And one for me!
Yes, honey.
There you go.
- Here, sweet-pea.
- Thank you.
Hey, guys!
How's it going?
Don't ask about the court case.
- Got your robe on, already?
- I needed it.
It's been a tough
year. I lost my appeal.
You weren't on the plane.
How'd you get here?
By car. The old
Napoleonic route...
Great.
- Let's go.
- Eighteen hours...
- Time for a shower.
- But...
- Robert.
- Yes?
Can you send up some
carbonara for Elvis?
- No Parmesan, it upsets his tummy.
- No problem.
- So their room is ready?
- Yes.
Please don't wear
a robe in the lobby.
Yes, OK, but listen.
I want to look my
best for Gigi tonight.
Can I borrow some clothes
from the boutique?
Why? You have clothes
in your car, don't you?
I do, but I sent them
all to the cleaners.
I took a pouch from the spa.
I knew I was coming here so I stopped
doing my laundry a month ago.
All the money I
saved went on gas.
If you must, but
only what's in the window display.
And don't remove the labels!
OK.
Settling in?
Any champagne in
your room? We got zilch.
I didn't even get a room.
- How's doggy?
- Leave him be, he's waiting for his pasta.
Did I tell you about my appeal?
- Yes. Did you pack my blue shorts?
- No, they look terrible on you.
It was a terrible disappointment.
Want to know what happened?
To be frank, no. We
had a very stressful tax investigation.
I spent 48 hours
at the Fraud Squad,
no shoelaces, no belt,
so if you don't mind
I need a break from my problems
and from everyone else's.
Especially everyone else's.
See you later,
Jérôme. Goodbye.
Sure. I have to see
if the boutique is open.
- He's still as clingy as ever.
- It keeps getting worse.
No tips in my trade.
But don't mention it to anyone.
I was struck off the medical register,
just because of one patient.
It was a cruel, inhuman ruling.
That's what I'll tell the European Court.
You'd think I
was a w*r criminal!
Anyway…
But I'm on vacation,
time to relax and forget my worries.
Stop it, Elvis.
No, Mommy's tired now.
Go and play with
your little clown.
You're such a pest!
My God, it's horrendous!
Look, Bernard!
- Somebody shaved Elvis!
- What?
Some sicko took
the clippers to him.
He looks like a rat!
- My word!.
- He looks dumber than ever.
You'd have to be crazy
to do that to a dog.
Or you'd have to
love him very much.
That way, he isn't so hot.
Come, Lee Harvey, come to Mommy.
He's yours!
Ours is exactly the same,
apart from the haircut.
We thought it was a sick joke.
Our dog's here, playing with his clown.
Hey, Elvis.
Bye, Lee Harvey.
White wine?
No, thanks. I can't
drink in this heat.
Makes me bloat.
Buongiorno, ladies.
- Pest alert!
- Hey, guys!
Got a room yet?
I don't want to criticize,
but standards have really dropped.
You don't say!
The carbonara was lukewarm,
Elvis didn't touch a thing.
Poor baby… I
mean, really.
What's going on, Popeye?
We have major
management problems.
If you're worried, we have
a wonderful accountant, Mr Guy.
He looks like an idiot
but he got our asses out of a tight spot.
I could have gone
to jail, right Nat?
It's true. He's quite
a surprising person.
Gigi will be here in 15 minutes.
These "Booster" tablets
take effect in ten minutes.
- What's that?
- I found them in the spa.
It's a serum,
gives your face a bit of a lift.
Prune oil, costs a fortune.
- Did you pay for it?
- There's no price tag.
It says the Egyptians
used it on their mummies.
- Where can I change?
- Wherever you like.
I have to look my best for Gigi.
First impressions
are the most important.
- Poor guy, he'll be disappointed.
- Why?
Gigi's not coming alone.
She found a boyfriend in the US.
His name's Jesse.
I can't wait to meet him.
She didn't mention the color.
Hey, sweeties!
It's so good to see you again!
Elvis is here
too. My baby!
Look Elvis, it's Auntie Gigi!
Nat…
- Popeye!
- You're looking good.
Bernard.
I'm bursting with happiness!
Your t-shirt's
about to burst too!
You're a different woman.
Cup-size?
95F.
It's spectacular.
I would never dare.
Not that I need to!
Of course not!
- Won't you introduce us?
- He's not my fiance.
He's still on the boat,
phoning his office.
- Amazing.
- Honey!
Wait, isn't that…
Jean-Claude Dusse?
- Don't you recognize me?
- Of course we do.
- What's with the hair?
- Who is he?
Jean-Claude Dusse.
It's Jean-Claude Dusse.
Why did you call him Jesse?
JC in English is
pronounced "Jesse".
Jean-Claude Dusse, Jesse Diouss.
They speak funny in the US.
So I call myself Jesse Diouss.
- He's totally bilingual.
- You have to be over there.
…a sort of
mid-life crisis.
- What do you mean?
- You know, depression, anxiety.
I felt like I'd got nowhere.
No husband, no kids.
I was on my third
dog since Pépette.
That, I can understand.
So on a whim, I went to LA.
Then I had a hair problem.
It was a nightmare.
They turned green
in the swimming pool.
I went 15 years ago
to be with an American girl.
We'd had a fling in Paris.
She proposed to me in a letter
but it was a translation error.
She was just asking me
to be a witness at her wedding.
I went to the best salon in LA,
someone recommended it to me.
The guy who was
doing my color said,
I turned round…
Jean-Claude Dusse!
But completely transformed,
ten times bigger, like everything there.
After some odd jobs,
I got a job in a hair salon.
The boss liked me,
she died and I
inherited the business.
Don't be so modest, baby.
You grew that business.
I invented a concept.
I called it "Jesse Highlights".
- Amazing.
- It worked. We have 18 salons.
- Eighteen?
- Yeah.
I really made it big.
Here, I never got anywhere.
That's amazing.
Your hotel is magnificent.
You haven't seen the rooms, yet.
- A wise investment.
- It's our hotel, too.
I'm all sticky.
I'm going to take a shower.
Coming, honey?
I'm jet-lagged, I need a drink.
See you in the bar later.
OK.
Listen, Popeye…
- Robert.
- Yes, Robert.
I know Gigi owns the place,
but freebies make me uncomfortable.
I totally understand.
Give your credit card to reception
and I'll give you a reduction.
Is Gigi here?
- Yes.
- Go for it, Jérôme.
Do I look OK?
- You look great. Nice and bright.
- Very classy.
- assh*le.
- He looks like a clown.
Did they ever look in a mirror?
- Jérôme!
- Hi.
- Don't you recognize me?
- I'm busy.
Jean-Claude Dusse.
What are you doing here?
On vacation, like
you. Just got here.
You were on the
same plane as Gigi?
Who?
Gigi, my ex. Did
she recognize you?
She sure did.
- We divorced ten years ago.
- Yeah, she told me.
A misunderstanding.
I made mistakes.
But I'm going to get her back.
Really?
Want a drink?
Why not? A
Singapore Sling.
As we get older, we get wiser,
swim back upstream
like an old salmon.
- You don't know Gigi so well…
- Just a little.
She's a diamond.
I never appreciated her enough.
It's never too late
to say, "I love you."
It's a bit late now.
I hope not.
So what about you?
I have a business in the US.
Great! Are you married?
Any day now. I hope.
You hope so? Go
for it, Jean-Pierre.
- Jean-Claude.
- Yes.
The happiness train
comes once in a lifetime.
Go for it, don't
give up, Claude.
Yeah.
So you guys met up already?
Jérôme, you're looking good.
Nice and bright.
Did you tell him, my love?
Not exactly.
We were just chatting.
OK. So…
You'll be the first to know.
Jérôme, I took your advice.
I'm getting married again.
Right, my love?
That's the plan.
You don't mind?
Not at all.
Congratulations.
It's hot in here.
You're very red.
Must be the prune oil.
Maybe I'm allergic.
- I'll get changed. I'm sweating.
- That jacket isn't helping.
Jerk in the boutique
gave me two sizes too big.
Take it back, it's ridiculous.
Piece of shit!
Maybe we should
have been more tactful.
So, guys, I just
checked to make sure.
So… There's no
more freebies.
How come it's only us paying?
It's not just you.
If Jesse wasn't paying,
I would pick up the tab.
So, Popeye made
some management errors.
But we're friends and partners,
we stick together.
It's not about the
money. We can pay.
It's about friendship.
And that is non-negotiable.
We're not paying.
You should have given us
some warning.
It's not fair. I
want to cry.
I was still negotiating an hour ago.
But it's a no-go.
If it's a problem for Jérôme, I'm happy
to pay for his accommodation.
No way. I still
have my pride.
- I have another idea for you.
- He gets an idea but we have to pay?
- The idea wouldn't suit you.
- Really? Why's that?
- Yes, why?
- Why?
- Well, it's…
- Why?
Here we are.
- OK. We either camp or bite the b*llet.
- We'll pay.
It's not that bad,
it's a staff room.
The toilets got refurbished,
the staff are delighted.
Take your time to settle in.
We'll see you at dinner.
When does the
staff canteen open?
Come on!
Sure you don't want me to help?
Give me a break!
Hey, newbie!
Can I have my underpants
from the washstand?
Don't worry, I
already rinsed them.
They shouldn't put staff in there,
the air-con's too noisy.
I'm not staff, I own this place.
Like I own those underpants.
- Over here.
- Catch!
Thanks, buddy.
I don't understand
Jérôme's reaction.
I get the feeling he's jealous.
It's your imagination.
He's just a little surprised.
I felt so sorry for him.
He was like a
little hurt puppy dog.
Puppy dog, my ass!
He's an old salmon.
He'll get over it.
There's something
fishy going on.
He never refuses a freebie.
I'm going to talk to him.
Leave him be.
I have a bad feeling
about this vacation.
Aren't you coming to dinner?
There was no TV,
good thing I brought my own.
I found a coat-hanger for an aerial.
Let's see what's on.
You can't fool
me. What's up?
Everything's just fine.
I lost my appeal,
I'm living on 500 a month.
I got publicly
humiliated. But I'm fine.
I'm talking about our situation.
It's a shitty situation.
You turn up with
that dwarf you'll marry.
I'm sorry, it's hard to take.
Are you jealous or something?
I never complained
about Djamila.
We got divorced ten years ago.
I'm getting re-married.
What's the problem?
I'm sorry, I hadn't finished
getting over it yet.
Come on, be nice.
Come and have dinner with us.
We'll all be together.
Your breasts look great.
Thank you.
What's she playing at?
Say, Jean-Claude,
I don't mean to be rude but…
- It's too obvious.
- A little.
- What?
- The rug!
I should hope so!
It's the concept
our team developed.
The idea is, hair should be fun.
We call these "Funny Wigs".
Change your hair
like you change your jacket.
It's like Swatch for your head.
- And it's successful?
- It's really taking off.
- Even the Army is interested.
- It's like what we did with glasses.
Didn't we, Bernard?
We have three shops, now.
You must have heard of "Eyes Right"?
No.
That's us.
Just water for me, please.
Acqua sin gas.
Say, do the Funny Wigs
grow just like real hair?
Look who's here.
Old friends getting
back together?
Sorry, Jean-Claude.
Don't listen to him,
he's just being stupid.
Sit on this side.
Do I order the menu
or can I eat like you guys?
Come on, that's enough.
Tonight, it's on the house.
What took you so long?
Everything's fine.
- Fine for who?
- Jesse, my love!
You wore that one?
I thought for tonight…
Don't you like it?
You look gorgeous.
- You know, with jet-lag…
- No, you're gorgeous.
Friends, I'm so glad
we're together again.
- Here's to friendship!
- To friendship!
- And prosperity!
- Yes.
Sir, your son is
at the reception.
Already?
He was due tomorrow.
Why didn't he say?
It's a pleasant surprise.
Waiter, a double vodka.
- What's the matter?
- I want to celebrate.
Is it OK if he joins us?
- Of course.
- And his new fiancée.
Already? How old is he?
He's 27 and he
knows what he wants.
- Doesn't time fly.
- Thank you.
You can just leave the bottle.
Really?
So what's the fiancée like?
We don't know.
We were never allowed to see her.
- You won't steal her, Popeye?
- Be more tactful for Graziella.
- I don't go after girls anymore.
- That's even more tactful.
Don't listen to them.
They're being stupid.
Hey, over here!
He's so grown up!
Handsome, huh?
He looks great.
I didn't have time
to tell your Dad.
I'll tell him myself.
Congratulations.
- Where is she? She hasn't left you?
- Of course not.
My word, he's like a real man.
- I'd never have recognized him.
- Mr. Guy?
Who's Mr. Guy?
- Our accountant.
- So that's him.
You came with Benjamin?
A problem with the business?
What's going on?
So, Mr. Morin…
Let me do it, baby.
Did he say "baby"?
I think so.
Yes.
MOM SAYS I'M A GOOD GUY
Dad, Mom, godmother…
Maybe this isn't the best place.
Dad, I've tried to
make you understand.
But you never wanted to listen.
So I'm using this family reunion
to tell you
the person I've been in love with
for two years now,
is Guy.
We're getting a civil marriage.
I don't understand.
Is there a problem at the business?
No, sir. The
business is just fine.
I think civil
marriage is wonderful.
- Yes.
- I wasn't so sure at first.
But it's really a step forward.
Especially in terms of inheritance.
Before now, the partner got nothing.
Not a dime.
- In the States, for example…
- Where?
Where we live in the States,
there are more and more marriages.
It's controversial, but…
But then there's
a big community.
Of course.
Here, the Pope has stopped it.
Though the Vatican
has a big community, too.
They're everywhere.
The only thing
that matters is love.
That's all.
Bastard!
I'm gonna sue your ass!
You filthy pervert!
When I think that I gave you
the code to the safe!
Let me go!
Listen to me, you two.
Let me tell you something.
Over my dead body…!
He passed out.
I knew he'd react like a jerk.
It's not looking good.
No results from the scan yet.
I'm worried.
Didn't they tell you anything?
They wouldn't let me
in. And I'm a doctor!
Will this take a while?
Go back to the hotel, sweetie.
Any complications, it could go on late.
I can bring Gigi back.
I'd rather stay,
in case there's complications.
Can you buy me a whiskey?
I've no local money on me.
- It's Euros here, too.
- That's what I mean.
Allow me to buy you a drink,
by way of an apology.
You have nothing to apologize
for, Mr. Guy.
I should have remained bi.
It's not your sexual orientation
that shocked him,
it was the age difference.
What difference? I'm 32.
Well, that's five
years after all!
If dehydration of the brain
lasts more than 12 seconds,
it causes irreversible damage.
Go to bed, honey!
I'd rather stay
on the same timeline as you.
The tests are OK.
Nothing showed up on the scan.
- They're keeping him under observation.
- I knew it.
- And your mom?
- In a rehab ward.
Really?
- Want to come back with us?
- No, we'll stay in town.
We leave tomorrow, if he's OK.
OK, honey-bun?
OK, it's my round.
Can you lend me the Euros, Mr Bi?
Yes, sir.
We should help him!
No, leave him,
he's simply readjusting his timeline.
What a relief! He's fine.
Nothing on the MRI,
nothing on the scan.
Just as I thought.
There's nothing wrong with me!
Nothing at all.
But I have a headache.
They said it was
all in the mind.
It's a classic case.
What did he say?
"Perfect."
Don't help him, whatever you do.
He alone can overcome
his psychological block.
I'm fine!
Come on, Bernard.
Arise, and walk.
That's it. Good.
I'm fine!
You'll feel even better, soon.
I'll organize your
emergency repatriation.
What for? He's fine.
We're staying the week.
Of course.
- And Benjamin?
- Gone. After his dad's reaction…
- I'll never see him again!
- Careful.
The doc says it's
masculine hysteria.
Exactly. He hurt himself
instead of the accountant.
Noirmoutier
syndrome. A classic.
I don't have a son!
- Or an accountant!
- Are you coming?
Could last three
days or three years.
He's not getting any younger.
- Robert.
- Yes, darling.
Tell him to go to a
specialist in Paris.
- We can't have him behaving like that.
- Come this way.
I'll handle it.
No Paris specialist will give you
a better diagnosis than mine.
Noirmoutier syndrome
is psychological.
It was discovered
by Basile de Noirmoutier.
No connection to
Noirmoutier island.
Here's my portfolio.
A medley of my canine compositions.
- This one...
- Give me that!
No. You mustn't help him.
This doggy
belonged to Ivana Trump.
The Afghan hound is
Barbara Streisand's.
- Armand. He's adorable.
- Lovely.
Pay no attention.
Ignore him.
Mrs Di Magro's Yorkies.
She's not famous,
but she's very rich.
Her husband works for the Mafia,
he's done very well.
I have to show you my favorite.
The French Bulldog
owned by Richard Gere.
I just love him.
Impressive.
- Beautifully done.
- Thank you.
They all look like
they have an erection.
That's true.
It's my signature
style. "Gigi's touch."
I can do Elvis
whenever you like.
I'll give you a
discount, of course.
You've made such progress
and become so confident,
compared to what you were painting
20 years ago.
- It's thanks to…
- It's thanks to me.
When you really love someone,
they blossom.
- In every way.
- Of course.
Bernard! Do something!
No, don't help him!
This could shock him out of it.
He's drowning!
Yes! Doggy paddle!
You're doing great!
We won't help you.
No one will help you.
- He's drowning.
- No he's not.
Come on! That's it!
- Encourage him!
- Bernard!
- Tutto va bene.
- Toto is not bene!
Let me get you!
Stop! It's for your own good.
You're getting better.
Look out!
Leave him. He'll get back on his
own. That's great.
I don't believe it!
Another nightmare!
What are you doing here, Miguel?
Haven't you hurt Jérôme enough?
Your wife won the case,
took his money. He's a wreck.
What more does
she want? Blood?
I warn you, I won't
let you touch him.
Just go home.
It's not what you think.
I'm just collateral damage.
I hate anyone touching me.
It's not your fault
your wife's a mess.
Yes, it is.
She wanted big lips to please me.
I used to date African women.
She gave Jérôme
an African mask as a model.
Why are you here,
apart from making trouble?
We're trying a therapy
based on forgiveness.
Christiane and her butcher
forgive each other
and I forgive myself.
You can't imagine
the state the butcher is in!
If he sees your
wife, he'll blow a fuse.
That's why she's still in the taxi.
I don't want them to meet by chance.
The time has come.
I have decided to forgive.
Oh, dear!
He's in very bad shape.
But there's no point
worrying too much.
There have been studies on Noirmoutier,
the medical literature is full of it.
It's a syndrome that occurs particularly
in men in the northern hemisphere.
That's good!
It's unclear whether
its cultural or…
to do with climate.
Interesting, don't you think?
Because…
That was so
good! I feel so toned!
Polyphirophy is great.
Ready, sir?
Wait.
Ready for the prune jet?
- Can we begin?
- Go right ahead.
Holy cow!
My love?
My love, I'm done! I'm going
for a prune cocktail with Jérôme.
Take your time, buddy!
Wait! I'm
coming with you!
Wait for me!
Where are you going?
You should wait
until it forms a crust!
Sorry, Christiane,
I can't bear things like that.
I saw my father injure himself
with a meat slicer.
I understand.
We decided to travel across India,
to rediscover our relationship.
He drank tap water in Srinagar.
The doctors said
he'd never recover.
So I made a vow
to Shantri Gupta.
I said I would forgive Jérôme
if Miguel survived.
My wish was granted.
So I came to keep my promise.
Yes, but it's a shame
you didn't do it in Paris.
You'd be on your home turf.
But we're very happy here.
Miguel booked a suite
at 1,200 euros a night.
I have the confirmation fax.
OK. If you put
it that way, fine.
Listen.
I will try to arrange a meeting,
but it has to be outside the resort.
An off-shore meeting.
OK.
Thanks, Popeye.
Look, it's easy.
- I can do it!
- Popeye.
Do we have to go
to this restaurant?
It doesn't look anything special,
but the food's delicious.
It's purrfick, guys, purrfick!
I'm doing OK!
Why not take a taxi?
He's never going to make it.
I won't let his h*m* tantrum
spoil my vacation.
Bernard, come back!
Let me do the driving!
I know exactly what I'm doing!
Come with us, my love.
It takes at least an hour in a taxi.
I don't trust those things.
And it's bad for the environment.
Too bad, I'm going.
How does it work?
Let me show you.
I'll come with you.
- She knows how to drive!
- Let's go!
She knows how to drive!
I'm hiring this one.
Bring me all the gear.
Not so fast! It's
shaking me up.
Maybe it'll do you good.
Jean-Claude's not in good shape.
How old is he now?
He's not usually like this.
In LA, he's hyperactive,
running around everywhere.
- But here…
- He's a liability.
You're right.
Over this way.
Turn off the engines.
It's a relief when it's over.
Can you feel the
good vibrations now?
- Yes.
- So here we are.
This is where I come
to recharge my batteries
after a busy time at the hotel,
if I feel angry or upset.
When I'm here, I realize
that nothing is unforgivable.
What do you think, Jérôme?
Yes, you're right.
We have to forgive
our past mistakes.
We all make mistakes, myself included.
I paid and it helped me grow.
As long as we
don't leave it too late.
So Jérôme, could you forgive someone
who did you a lot of harm to?
Yes, definitely.
- Like Christiane?
- That scumbag? I'd rather die!
Look! There goes Jesse!
He can't hear you.
- It's pretty, but I'm hungwee.
- All you think about is food.
Gimme a break.
If you're hungry,
we should go back to the hotel.
He went ahead
of us. He'll wait.
Not so fast!
Stop telling me what to do!
- Stop!
- We're going to crash!
I don't believe it!
We've gone too far!
You're driving me crazy!
Stop shouting in my ear!
I'm worried, he
should be here by now.
- I hope he didn't turn back.
- He must have gone up the coast.
It's great. He's just getting the most
out of his vacation.
Give him space.
Men like having plenty of space.
- It's one of your faults.
- Plenty of space out at sea.
What's going on?
Why did it stop like that?
I'm not spending the night here.
They can't do this to me.
f*cking Europe!
Thank you.
I'll have a small salad.
Or some plain pasta.
This meal is on me.
Crayfish spaghetti for everyone?
- I'll never say no!
- Good idea!
Grazie.
I don't have any change.
- Got a coin for the deaf-mute?
- I'm out of change, too.
Read it. "I smile on
those who forgive."
- I thought you were a deaf mute.
- No, it's Miguel!
I was the craft
teacher at the club.
- Of course! I recognize him.
- That's right!
He painted little boar-heads
on my breasts, remember?
Two little piggies!
- I'll never forget that.
- I'm Miguel Weissmuller.
Christiane's husband.
- Christiane Weissmuller?
- The beauty therapist?
Look, she's smiling at you!
- Yeah, the card smiles at everyone.
- Where there's a will,
there's a way, Jérôme.
Shit, this is a nightmare.
What are you doing here?
What a surprise!
Christiane, it's wonderful.
You'd hardly notice it.
Anyone'd think you were born that way.
It's so natural.
Yes, it took 17 operations.
- I see.
- It hasn't been easy.
But we're getting through it.
You're a bunch of
rotten scumbags!
You knew about this? It's a trap!
All your crap about forgiveness.
Take your card
and shove it up your ass, bitch!
You have a long way to go
before you find peace, Jérôme.
- I'll be waiting, however long it takes.
- Yeah, right.
We'll let them finish dinner.
Let's go back to
Prune Resort, darling.
They're at the hotel?
- Glass of wine?
- They're at the hotel!
- They go where they like.
- I got one week of vacation.
And now… Want me
to k*ll myself or what?
- I'll have some.
- You have to pick sides.
It's her or me.
Yeah, well…
They're paying.
Fine.
Happy vacation, everyone.
I'm going home.
I swear to you, I had no idea!
I quite agree.
Some things are hard to swallow.
Use this, you're dribbling.
- Idiot!
- Sorry, in a hurry.
Scusi!
- What's she saying?
- They found him.
Grazie.
They searched the whole coast
but for now there's no sign.
They didn't find him yet!
I misunderstood.
It'll be fine.
Jesse!
Jérôme, it's terrible!
He's not back yet
and it will soon be dark!
Listen, Gigi.
I was leaving but,
in view of the situation,
I'll change my plans.
I'll always stand by you.
If anything happens,
I don't know what will become of me.
Don't panic. It's
not cold, he has a life-jacket.
He could last 12 hours,
which means we have…
About six hours.
After that, his
chances are less good.
- Six hours!
- Yes, but…
If anything happens,
God forbid, of course,
I… I'll always be here.
The coastguard found him
straying into foreign waters.
Thank God!
Well, maybe next time.
Where are the foreign waters?
- This way.
- Yes.
Damn!
My love!
My love! You're safe!
- My love!
- I was far away, Gisèle.
- I went crazy worrying about you!
- I need a pick-me-up.
My love, we'll be
together always.
Forever!
- Elvis, it's Uncle!
- Where's the jet-ski?
It sank. I got rammed
by an aircraft-carrier.
My love!
Same old story.
A jet-ski worth 10,000 euros.
He's still hypothermic. He needs
a hot shower and 48 hours of rest.
That's life. f*ck,
your breasts, Gisèle.
I was so scared!
We're alive!
You're playing with fire!
He should be resting!
- That's so good! That's love!
- Yes, I'm alive!
I think I'll watch some TV.
I was so scared.
My baby, we're alive!
That feels so good!
I'm alive!
If you need me,
you know where I am.
- You're alive!
- I'm starting to get warm again!
I'm getting hot!
Jesse!
Let's forget the past!
- Give me a hug!
- Die, bitch.
I'm glad you can
keep smiling, honey.
I'm not smiling, I have cramps.
Did I disturb you?
What is it?
You have something to tell me?
You made a decision?
I took my decision
a long time ago.
I just wanted to tell you
I had a dream last night…
The two of us were on a desert island,
with a little baby.
I want to believe you,
but it's just a dream.
Did you talk to her?
Graziella?
Yes, it's me.
Are you at home?
I'm on my way.
We have to talk.
So you're the crayfish thief!
Don't jump to conclusions.
I can explain.
You're fired.
Employment tribunals
don't like workplace accidents.
My love!
I don't know if
it's because I nearly lost you,
but I've never felt
so close to a man before.
Nor have I,
except with the aircraft-carrier.
I didn't think the day
would have such a tender ending.
My love!
My love.
It's so beautiful here!
Peaceful.
Shit!
f*ck!
- What's up? Something serious?
- Yes.
I don't know how to tell you,
I know it's going to hurt,
but it can't go on like this.
I had to make a decision.
I've made it and believe me,
I'm the first to suffer from it.
Damn it, poor woman.
What do you mean?
You're scaring me.
Tell me. Say
what you mean!
You really want to know?
You started, so
go through with it.
OK…
I sacked Jambier.
He was stealing the crayfish.
Jambier?
You're getting upset over him?
Yes, it's not easy.
He was a close colleague after all.
Almost a friend.
He betrayed my trust.
Pronto.
I'm a piece of shit.
- Robert.
- Yes?
It's your friends again.
It was a wildcat or an eagle.
Just as well I had my Funny Wig
or I'd be dead.
It's just superficial.
Sure it wasn't a branch?
Sometimes you get thorns…
- No.
- Did you see anything?
Nothing, but I heard
breathing and then…
This is going
to sting a little…
f*ck! Holy shit!
I did warn him.
It always hurts
when it's superficial.
Exactly.
Bitch!
Scusi. I
looked everywhere, there's nothing.
A few broken branches.
I'll take a look.
You'll be fine, honey.
You spent eight hours in the sun,
you're exhausted.
You'll feel better.
You're right.
I'm totally down.
I'll sleep for a while.
- Stay there and look out for branches!
- Yes.
Because it's…
- Where are the thorns?
- Hey… What's-your-name.
- I came to say goodbye to Gigi.
- Great, you're leaving.
- For good?
- I'm putting Prune Resort behind me.
- Is Gigi here?
- No.
I'll come back.
Don't bother.
I'll tell her.
No, it's important.
Yes, he's much
better. He's unbearable.
Hang on, I'll pass you over.
No.
Sorry, still the same attitude.
Don't worry, he'll get over it.
Love you, sweetheart.
How long are you
gonna keep this up?
You're pissing me off!
I'm sick of you being so stubborn
and narrow-minded!
Yes, come in.
I'm not stubborn.
I'm normal!
I came to say goodbye.
It's your fault he's like that.
- What are you mumbling about?
- I can't stay here alongside Christiane.
There's none in my family!
It's not hereditary,
it's a question of taste.
No wonder you don't understand.
And seeing as I won't
be back next year…
Your Uncle André
was a fairy, wasn't he?
- He was a sailor!
- What are you talking about?
He was captain of the ship!
That's what I mean!
- So I'm really saying goodbye.
- Yes, we got that.
Right. Goodbye!
- How did she take it?
- Very badly.
She was crying…
It was horrible.
It came as a shock, of course.
That's why I didn't
come over last night.
Popeye…
I'm going to pack
up my car and go.
It'll take me 18 hours.
As I won't be back next year,
I wanted to say goodbye.
It's not easy. Calling an end
to 30 years of friendship…
Great. Have a
good trip, buddy.
Goodbye, sir.
In any case, we'd better…
Thanks for the room.
I hope no one else needed it.
We'd better keep a
low profile because…
It would be cruel
to flaunt our happiness in her face.
It's best if we continue
to see each other in secret.
Give her time
to get used…
to…
I also had a dream.
Really?
You had balls.
Really?
Dreams are…
I know what she's up to with Wig Man,
but it's not over yet.
I don't believe it!
No!
No! What
the hell is this?
The bonnet… But…
This is… On
this side, too!
The final straw.
It'll never be the same again.
There's no security here!
I'll have to sue the hotel.
My insurance won't cover it.
It's every man for himself.
You know, everything here is perfect
until you turn up.
I'm sorry, Jérôme.
She's not wrong, you know.
- Leaving without saying goodbye?
- I was about to go, but look.
Shit!
I have it on loan.
I won't leave until a financial solution
has been found.
If it's just a question of money,
don't worry.
I can lend you the
money you need…
No. Keep your dough.
The problem is between
me and the hotel.
Are you sure
the car wasn't already like that?
I'm not calling you a liar,
but sometimes we don't notice things.
- That?
- Yes.
The scratches
are like the ones on your head.
Put your head down.
Take a look.
- They're exactly the same.
- It's true.
Branches, huh? You
knew there was a wild animal around.
Didn't want to scare the guests,
you bastard!
It's obviously a
puma or a cougar.
A wolf! You get
wolves in Europe now.
att*cked by a wolf!
Stop it. It's a big tomcat who came
to check out the garbage cans.
I'll call security.
They'll flush it out.
I might have rabies. If I'm not treated
within eight hours, I'll die!
No, let me drive!
Get out of there!
I don't lend my
car to just anyone.
It's damaged enough already.
- Come on, Gigi, I don't want to die alone!
- I won't leave you!
I don't want to alarm you
but rabies is cyclical.
Even after vaccination,
there's a risk of complications.
- Faster, I have 30 minutes left.
- We're almost there.
I don't want to be alarmist but you should
ask to be kept in for observation.
A week, let's say.
That's what I would do.
Don't panic.
We're almost there.
Why are you driving so slowly?
You want me out of the way?
Stop that, you're being stupid.
Keep calm.
Look out, a wolf!
No!
Gigi, are you hurt?
I'm fine. Just
a little shaken.
Your dirty laundry
acted as an airbag.
I told you not to touch
the dual controls, damn it!
Only 20 minutes left!
- Shit!
- Jesse!
- Stop!
- What's he doing?
Take me to the hospital!
- All'ospedale, prego!
- E gli altri?
Nothing wrong with
them, they're fine.
Come on! Drive!
I wouldn't want him on my team.
In the US
everyone's terrified of microbes.
He'll pay you for
the damage to the car.
The car is just the
tip of the iceberg.
Professionally, I'm finished.
I'll never recover.
- No…
- Not to mention…
my love life…
I don't know how to
be loved anymore.
Since we separated,
a flame has been extinguished.
I'm 120% responsible.
Mulling over your problems
makes you close up like an oyster.
My parents had a lovely saying
written on a plate.
"Dance like no one can see you,
work like you don't
need the money,
love like you'd
never suffered."
That's beautiful, Gigi.
I'll remember that.
If you lowered your defenses,
you might meet someone.
Probably. But who?
Who?
Sir? I am
Professor Cavani.
Open the door, please!
No, I'm staying
under observation.
You had the vaccine,
you're safe now.
The disease
can take nine days to develop.
Who told you that nonsense?
It's ridiculous.
f*cking bastard!
Amazing.
Magnificent. Magical.
I feel like a real woman
now that the sensation has come back.
Especially on the left.
They're both marvelous.
And perfectly symmetrical.
That's the hardest part.
They feel sublime.
The work on the
areola is first-class.
The nipple is always hard,
very flattering to a man.
Good work. Who was it?
Jean-Claude, for my birthday.
I mean the surgeon.
Dr. Djololian, in Miami.
The best of the best.
He's the number one.
They'll last at least 15 years.
You can change
them when you retire.
I think I made a big mistake.
No, I can assure you.
The size is perfect.
No, I'm thinking of Jean-Claude,
all alone in hospital.
Oh, him.
And meanwhile, we're…
Kiss me!
My love?
The bastard!
So?
I don't believe it!
- What's that?
- Stay there. It's in my room.
It's Jean-Claude!
The window!
My God, this is terrible!
What happened?
You're not in the hospital?
I was att*cked by the beast again.
I need psychological support.
It's in the rooms, now?
Maybe there's a pack of them.
Maybe it's still in there.
Call security, we'll smoke it out.
We'll smoke it out, come on!
The guys searched the hotel,
the gardens, the spa. Nothing.
No tracks, no droppings.
It's totally irresponsible.
Call in the Army, close the hotel.
- Close the area, there's a pack of them.
- Are you crazy?
This is high season!
We can't close
everything…
- Did you hear that?
- What?
Someone's outside.
- Stay here. I'll take a look.
- I'll cover you.
Is it from the beast?
Looks more like a poison pen.
I couldn't see anything.
"Your relationship
has been a lie for too long."
"Adultery is ugly."
I don't know who it's addressed to,
but it's certainly not me.
No.
It's for us, Robert.
You haven't been
listening to gossip?
It's not gossip, it's blackmail.
I'm in the clear.
You are, yes.
But I'm not.
Last year, I slept with Jérôme.
Just once.
That's it.
We should leave.
This is embarrassing.
What's all this about?
You remember
the state he was in last year?
He said he would never recover,
his flame had been extinguished.
- Bastard!
- His flame is working just fine!
What do you mean?
She's gonna tell you.
Incomprehensible, Robert.
Completely incomprehensible.
I don't believe it.
How could you do that?
Where'd he go, that scumbag!
Wait, we have
to talk about this.
I had too much to drink.
I was out of control.
I'd totally forgotten about it.
It's unforgivable!
Don't do anything
you'll regret later.
- Right now, I'll enjoy it!
- Robert!
It's horrible!
Christiane was att*cked
by the beast outside our window.
It's awful. I heard
a roaring sound.
I looked round
and saw two red eyes staring at me.
And then suddenly,
it leaped at me!
Look! The Valentine's tracksuit
I gave her is ruined.
- Is she hurt?
- I can't bear to look.
We're not even safe here!
After all the money we paid!
I daren't stay in
our room on my own.
Elvis is traumatized.
He smells the beast, he's trembling.
Trembling like a leaf!
Wait, I'll come with you.
Gigi went back
alone. Give me a g*n.
- Shut it!
- I'll protect her with my bare hands.
I feel bad. Take
me back to the room.
Calm down, sweetie.
- What are you mumbling about?
- Nothing.
What?
- My God, what are you going to do?
- I don't know.
I have to think.
Go to sleep.
Gigi?
Gigi?
- What do you want with Gigi?
- You scared me.
Christiane got att*cked by the beast.
I'm worried about Gigi.
The Beast is doing you a favor.
So what exactly did you do
with your "flame"?
- While I was in the hospital.
- I know what you think.
But I can't tell you.
It wouldn't be right.
Listen, man.
You're starting to piss me off.
Listen, her life could be in danger.
And ours, too.
Be careful!
Careful!
- There's nothing there, come on.
- That's what you think.
Good boy.
Elvis sensed something.
sh**t, it must be the beast!
There's something in the bushes!
sh**t, you idiot!
Look out! An injured animal
is even more dangerous.
Bernard.
You're talking normally again.
Yes. That's strange.
All of a sudden.
It must be the shock.
Shit!
Who is it?
Lee Harvey!
Lee Harvey!
We have a slight problem.
- Harvey, wo bist du?
- Thanks a lot.
That's horrendous!
Don't look, Elvis.
It's gone everywhere.
He didn't suffer.
Lee Harvey!
Mrs. Franken!
What's going on here?
- I heard a g*nsh*t.
- Really?
I can't find Lee Harvey.
I just had a phone call.
He was following a dog on heat.
He's at the gates.
I don't get it.
He was neutered.
Well… He must
be quite a dog!
We'll bring him to you.
You can go to your room.
Thank you. But
I'm going to sue.
Who?
The vet!
Jesus!
Have you read Men are from
Mars, Women are from Venus?
No.
But my sister
read it. She loved it.
We separated because…
What's she doing?
The guy must be a golfer!
Tasteless outfit.
Do you mind? We have
to talk to our wife.
You could at least say hello
to the gentleman.
And then I'll decide.
Nelson, Jérôme and Jean-Claude.
- Evening.
- I left this one years ago.
I'll leave him too,
unless he bucks up!
I had enough!
- My love!
- I'm sick of it!
I'll leave you guys to it.
Excuse me.
Jean-Claude!
I have to go.
I need a big favor.
Just a quick back and sides.
Now? Your
hair looks fine.
I'll explain.
My honey-girl.
I don't normally
do dogs, you know.
I did Nancy Reagan.
I won't allow it!
Elvis has been
with us for six years!
I'll never give
him to that woman!
It's only for a few hours,
until I get a replacement.
I got the collar back.
I ordered a new dog online.
You can't make her.
Come on, I mean you're the ones
who told me to sh**t!
- Prove it.
- It's your g*n!
Make up your minds.
I don't want to leave Gigi alone.
We should get compensation.
I see.
Ten years' free accommodation
at Prune Resort.
It's a nice gesture.
Nathalie will
decide. Honey-girl?
Including extras?
Extras included.
Go on, Jean-Claude.
Don't look.
Peace on earth, Jérôme.
And peace be with you.
- Get out of here.
- Look.
Read this, as a
sign of goodwill.
f*ck your religious crap.
That's what I think of it.
You just tore up a check
for 785,875 euros, in your name.
A check? What the hell
are you trying to pull?
I didn't touch the money
you paid in damages.
That money was born of hatred.
And I am sworn
to be the Bodhisattva of Mercy.
The check is proof of that.
I hope you will understand,
despite your bitterness.
- Can you do it again?
- Yes, the damages you paid me…
Not all that crap,
I mean the check.
Of course. I'll
write a new one.
Want a glass of Rogan Katash?
It's a Tamil elixir
of reconciliation.
Looks too sweet for me.
It's Tarayre with a Y.
Sorry.
That's OK.
Here's to reconciliation!
Yes, OK. Sorry.
It's sweet!
And… It tastes
a bit rancid, too.
- That's normal.
- Why?
It's made with
clarified yak's butter.
I see.
I don't… I
don't like it at all.
Got you, schmuck!
It could have been him
who got the b*llet, poor boy.
It's only temporary.
Come on.
- Say goodbye to Elvis.
- Come on.
- Be brave!
- My Elvis!
You'll always be Mommy's baby!
OK, come on.
Bye, Elvis.
- Coming!
- Ten years of freebies, it's worth it.
Here's your lovely
boy, Mrs Franken.
You scared me, you naughty boy.
Thank you so much.
Lee Harvey!
Wait, Jérôme, wait…
I knew it.
We have to talk.
What did you do this afternoon?
Leave me alone. I
took a sleeping pill.
- Leave me in peace.
- I'll fix that bastard.
I'll give him a
short back and sides!
So much for your check!
Watch this.
See how you ruined my life.
Look how you spoiled my smile!
You swine!
Four months after
my lip augmentation.
I was so happy, radiant.
Miguel was teaching me about foreplay.
We were going to
Luxembourg on business.
It was our honeymoon phase.
Drinking a toast to our love.
And all of a sudden…
The results of your butchery.
My looks were ruined,
just as I was
beginning to blossom.
My sex-life was devastated.
And now, you'll pay for it!
Mengele!
- Confess!
- You're gonna pay too!
Let me go!
She has the strength of a man!
Hare Krishna!
Hare…
Hare Krishna!
She ripped her tracksuit
to avoid suspicion.
She's clearly not
in her right mind.
How can I make it up to you?
Tell her to write me the check
she gave me yesterday.
Didn't she tell you?
She gave the money
to Shantri Gupta's temple.
The place is like new,
seven years of work by 3,000 men.
As good as the Taj Mahal.
She's broke now.
I paid for the vacation.
Right. And I paid
for the Taj Mahal.
Two more boiled eggs
with caviar, please.
Want some?
Are you kidding?
I can't afford it.
Be my guest.
Our extras.
Signor,
two more eggs with caviar.
Gracias mille.
Your Italian's pretty good.
Elvis, Mommy's here.
Lee Harvey!
Don't bother the lady.
He's not bothering me at all.
I can dog-sit for
you, if you like?
Lee Harvey!
I think he adopted me!
Ever since he ran
away, he's been…
Bad-tempered.
Give the dog back.
Hello?
Benjamin? I
can't hear you.
How is your little doggy?
In our room. Upset tummy.
How would you translate that?
Einegastro, shits a lot.
Lee Harvey's the same!
Probably the food in the hotel.
Yes, the food.
So you were telling the truth
about Christiane all along.
We were very unfair to you.
I went through
Silenceofthe Lambs.
But if I'd died, it
would be no big deal.
Don't be paranoid, my love.
Spare a thought for others.
I was att*cked three times!
That was
Benjamin. It's horrible.
Mr. Guy joined
Accountants without Borders.
They're leaving for Madagascar.
Do something. Call him.
I don't know what you mean.
I have no son.
You're despicable.
Over there, they
get malaria, snakes…
If anything happens,
it'll be your fault.
Don't exaggerate, it's not Iraq!
That's true.
You're always
so over-protective.
- As his godmother, I…
- You're not his mother so shut it!
Hey, don't talk
to her like that.
You made his bed till he was
16, remember!
The good news is,
your son is not a f*gg*t.
What do you mean?
Benjamin is not your son.
What? Are you crazy?
You are not Benjamin's
biological father.
So who is?
- I have to leave.
- Me too.
You're embarrassing everyone.
Don't go, this
concerns you, too.
Remember our holiday
in the Alps in 1979?
Sort of. Was it 1979?
Sure. It was snowing.
We went off-piste. Ended up
in a refuge with a bunch of Italians.
- Do you remember?
- Yes.
The Italians, yes.
Benjamin was
conceived that night.
You'd been having inflammation.
That's embarrassing.
What did he have?
Benign, but
painful. Coconuts.
- Remember the sexy Italians moaning?
- Yes.
It started to give me ideas.
I slipped into your bunk
but it was no way, José.
Next door, it was getting louder
and so I'm afraid to say,
I got up,
and I went to see someone
in the bunk below.
Disgusting!
No, it was fine.
- Who was it?
- Ask our friends.
Since they're so
fond of Benjamin.
I was with Gigi back then.
Nothing to do with me.
I slept the whole night through.
I don't remember.
It was 17 years ago.
I must have been asleep.
No, 27 years ago. I wasn't asleep,
I remember it perfectly!
So who was it?
There's only one possibility.
The compulsive sh**t.
Popeye?
Bastard!
The rooms
are refurbished…
- You slept with my wife?
- Yes.
At the club.
Almost 25 years ago.
Not Africa. In the
Alps, in the refuge.
- Who's accusing me? Nathalie?
- Everyone.
I swear it's not true. But I can tell you
something about that night.
Wait a minute!
You have to tell me!
I want to know,
who f*cked my wife!
And here, there
was a little window.
What's the point
of this diagram?
You are the only suspect!
No, I'm not!
I wasn't me because
I spent most of the night outside.
Here, under the little window,
waiting till the Italian guys fell asleep.
So I could f*ck
the Italian girl.
What? That's revolting!
It wasn't so bad.
Anyway, what's it to you?
You know what I mean.
It's not very nice.
So we have two suspects.
Jérôme and Jean-Claude.
No, Jérôme was sleeping.
I remember checking on him.
The Italians got
me worked up, too.
So there's only
one suspect left.
I'm sorry, Bernard.
It was in good faith.
It was dark. I didn't know
it was your wife in my bed.
You don't know
who you sleep with?
A bunch of flowers,
even without a note,
you put them in a
vase, not the garbage.
That takes the cake!
The biggest dork in the bunch.
- Back then.
- Why are you so upset?
Benjamin can
visit his dad in LA.
His godmother is now his stepmother.
Everything's fine!
Everything's fine!
You'll be pleased to know,
I'm very unhappy.
It's good to talk things over
with friends.
I didn't know it was her.
I thought she
was the Italian girl.
Seems like no one knows
who they slept with.
- Right. No one.
- It's crazy.
Imagine, you find out you're a dad,
your kid is 27 and getting married.
- To an accountant.
- Great.
Ideal son-in-law
for a businessman!
What's my son's name, again?
- Benjamin.
Benjamin.
I'll remember that.
Benjamin.
I thought you'd be pleased.
I'm not speaking to you.
I'm going home
and filing for divorce.
I won't make it easy for you.
I'll be suing for alimony.
- I don't care.
- Good. I'll keep the boutiques.
No way! I created Eyes Right.
You won't destroy 20 years of work!
Ask our lawyer, Mr. Fuks.
He's gonna love it!
Excuse me, Ma'am.
Are you aware of the dispute
between your husband and myself?
Vaguely.
I was wrongly dismissed
so I'm obliged to take drastic steps.
I had to be honest,
so I sent you that anonymous letter.
It was you?
Holy shit!
It's not my fault
your husband's screwing the chef!
Excuse me?
What did you just say?
I tried to be
diplomatic in my letter.
So I get a slap.
Assaulting an ex-employee
won't do you any favors at the tribunal!
- Did you see Robert?
- No, and I don't care.
Thanks.
- Holy shit!
- My God!
Elvis!
Drop it, Elvis!
My God, is he alright?
- It's your dog?
- Of course!
- Popeye k*lled hers by mistake.
- What?
Are you happy to see Mommy?
They k*lled Lee Harvey?
Murderers!
My vocal chords are damaged!
I'm not a practicing doctor
but I can do a tracheotomy.
I just need a knife or a pen.
I want you out of here!
I want you out of here!
Basta!
Elvis didn't even
have time to poop.
That's enough!
We're going to miss the shuttle!
I'll have to come back for the rest,
it's all I have.
No point telling
him, he's a deaf mute.
He could have told me.
I feel like an idiot.
What's up? Where
are you going?
Your wife kicked us out.
- Why?
- No reason. That's the problem.
We were leaving anyway.
The way we've
been treated…
We'll see who's the
boss around here.
- We'll find a solution.
- No, you must leave.
It's full. I have
to follow orders.
I'll take this one.
Mind your
feet! Here we go!
It's the only way.
What now?
So… Catch
the next shuttle.
- What time?
- Tomorrow morning.
What?
- Zilch. No network at all.
- Go into town for a taxi.
Who wants to walk 30 kilometers?
- Not me.
- No way.
Darling, I don't understand
how this happened.
It's just a misunderstanding.
We should talk it over.
Vaffanculo!
Right.
She could have called us a taxi!
It's not the right
time. She's gone crazy.
We're not gonna
sleep on the beach!
Now you're glad
I brought all this stuff, huh?
So, I have Chivas,
vodka, Marie Brizard…
No, thanks.
Campari,
Ricard,
and Ferrero Rocher.
Give me a Ricard, damn it.
I always steal some
for the Christmas party.
Too bad for this year.
Thanks.
So I have Ricard, vodka…
How about potato chips?
Gimme a break.
Steal my liquor, screw my wife,
that's enough!
- Sure you won't have any?
- Nathalie…
I don't want to interfere, but I think
you should tell Benjamin I'm his dad.
I hardly know him,
I only met him for five minutes.
I'm going to tell him!
I'm his real father!
I raised him. I won't let
a bald hairdresser steal him from me.
I know it's painful
when your virility's in doubt.
Yeah. Like my
fist in your mouth.
Bernard!
What's going on?
Yesterday you disowned your son,
now you're insulting his father!
What exactly do you want?
I want my son.
Your son isn't what you want.
And he has Mr. Guy.
If he's happy,
that's the main thing.
Is that really what you think?
- Really?
- Yes.
Then I can tell you
that Benjamin really is your son.
Of course he
is. I raised him.
He's my son. Period.
I mean I didn't sleep with anyone else
that night. He really is your son.
Of course he's really my son!
I'm the one who raised him.
I picked him up from school.
I worried when he coughed.
- Sex has nothing to do with it.
- Are you deaf?
Jean-Claude is not
the father, you are!
Jean-Claude, as long
as I have breath in my body…
It's not Jean-Claude?
I lied to you all. You're the real
father, I promise you.
I remember, we did it on the train
coming back from skiing.
That's what gave me the idea.
- So why invent that story?
- Because.
Your reaction made me so angry,
I wanted to teach you a lesson.
Wait a minute, there's a problem here.
Who did I sleep with?
You must have been dreaming.
I know I slept with someone.
It didn't happen very often.
Well, I think that…
It was probably…
me.
Because that night,
I swapped bunks
to be closer to…
- Popeye.
- No!
But like you said,
you were outside all night,
so in fact, it was me
who made love with Jean-Claude.
After a year of marriage!
It was the era of free love,
it was 1968 after all.
We were in that refuge, in the snow,
with all those Italians…
It was magical.
It was 1979!
You're sulking
because I never screwed your wife!
And I didn't sleep with yours!
Yes, but she wanted
to. And that hurts!
We were tearing each other apart,
and we're just made of star-dust.
That's exactly
what I tell people.
I'm glad you two
are getting along.
I'm not so lucky.
I'll patch things up. I
told her I loved her more than anything.
She is your wife, after all.
Not Graziella, that's over.
I mean Elena.
I'll see her on the ferry,
tell her how much I love her.
I'll explain everything.
Elena the chef?
Yes.
- You didn't know? Let me…
- Don't bother!
We believe you.
We've suffered enough.
We want to relax now.
Life is too short.
Careful, Elvis.
My darling boy!
Are you asleep, my
love? I need to talk.
I feel terrible.
I thought I was cheating on the man
I loved with a man I didn't love.
But I slept with the man
that now I'm in love with.
I can't work it out.
But my love, it's marvelous.
We loved before falling in love.
It's like a romantic movie.
One last pick-me-up?
I found one last miniature.
I have a proposal.
I'll get my medical license back,
thanks to that crazy bitch.
I can offer Botox in your salon.
I'll get back into cosmetic surgery
and you will diversify.
Jérôme, I always
knew you were generous,
but Jesse, that's a super idea!
Super for him.
But I have to think it over.
You won't regret it.
Do you have a spare room?
They say LA is so expensive.
The house is huge, we have 14 bedrooms.
It's not a problem.
Thanks, buddy.
I knew it.
Coming back to Europe
was a big mistake.
Goodnight, guys!
We're sleeping under the stars!
- Right, Bernard?
- Yes.
We all went through hell,
but now it's over.
What doesn't k*ll me
makes me stronger!
From now on,
nothing but happiness!
Right, Elvis?
Good night.
Stop! Hands up!
You are entering
Italy illegally!
Your papers! Police!
Bernard?
Do not try to resist!
Do not try to escape!
Keep your hands up!
I don't believe this!
How do you say Gisèle
André in Albanian?
Jérôme!
I'll handle it. Not
Albanian. We French.
Papers in our suitcases!
Tell them we're
honest shopkeepers!
Honest shopkeep…!
It's started again.
Jérôme, he's got
Noirmoutier again!
It's my nerves!
Scusi, signore
Jean-Claude Dusse.
Elena! I left my wife!
Elena! Come
back! I'm free now!
It's horrible,
they way they're treated.
Where are they taking
those poor people?
They set up a big
camp on an island.
Must be at least
3,000 over there.
It's a mistake.
We're French!
Sir!
They're just taking
us to the border.
Yes, but not our border.
Bernard, where's Elvis?
Elvis!
He's under the seat!
There you are! I
was so scared.
Move over, my dog has no room.
Honestly!
Move over!
French Fried Vacation 3: Friends Forever (2006)
Moderator: Maskath3