01x02 - Project Siren

[bunniefuu]

All set?

'Team in position.'

Good. Get him as soon as he steps out.

Are you sure this'll work?

After analysis, 600 pages of research, we know their weaknesses. This can't fail.

Just give me the word.

Do it. Let's nail these bastards.

(ice cream van jingle)

Ice cream!

ICE CREAM!

Ice cream!

Ice cream!

But I want one!

No, you don't.

(jingle continues)

It's not working.

Give it time.

This worked with Uday Hussein, it'll work on him.

Please, Daniel, it's been four weeks, and all I've eaten is El Rico fish curd! I can still taste the eyeballs!

Please, Daniel, it'll be fine.

The police have not been there since Tuesday.

It's a trap! Remember you heard a rumour Taylor Swift was giving away kittens outside? It's a trap!

OK! Fine. OK. OK.

OK.

(jingle stops)

(he exhales)

(jingle resumes)

But I want one!

No!

Still nothing.

Smarter than we thought.

(they grunt)

Mmm!

So. MI6, the CIA, they can't just come in and get you.

Even flushing you out - loud music, turning off the power, that's a diplomo-no-no.

But TEMPTING you out is fair game.

Hence, this.

Can I have a lick?

No.

I don't care about ice cream.

What are we going to do about these internet trolls? Hmm?

See?

Look how many death threats I'm getting.

"Dan Hern's whiny voice is like a cat having its nails dragged down a blackboard."

"If there was justice, we'd k*ll him with hammers?"

This Mumsnet is very harsh!

OK. I know nothing about internet law, as all my books are from the '90s but if they telex you any threats, I'll be right on that.

You know, a man online once called me a douche-sack.

I was so hurt, I actually flew to Stuttgart to ask him why he was so angry.

Now we're best of friends!

He's sending me a birthday card next week.

It's my birthday next week.

Yeah, come on. Let's wrap this up.

Backslash's weaknesses are simple. Computer games.

Videos of dogs wearing human clothes.

Ice cream. Hence the failed Operation Cornet.

But Hern's are more elaborate.

Vanity, attention, sex. Which leads us to...

Project Siren.

We have taken Hern's e-mails, online dating profiles and p*rn viewing history to create a profile of his perfect woman.

We make contact online.

We convince him he's falling in love.

And then?

Chemistry does the rest.

Wait, we're storing p*rn records now?

Yeah, of course.

So who's sending the messages?

Bring him in!

Our seductress.

What the hell is going on? Someone asked me for an autograph, it turns out I've signed the Official Secrets Act and then I go for an ice cream and get kidnapped!

That van's paying for itself.

Miranda Harris, MI6.

Oliver Spencer, MI6.

Brad Johnson, CIA.

This is Alan Mulden.

He wrote the films, Things Women Think, Women Aren't From Venus and Always The Bride.

(she titters)

No-one can write for women the way this man can.

Except actual women.

But we couldn't find any of those because the film industry is quite sexist.

You can't just abduct me and put me to work. I have rights.

Actually, the intelligence service has used screenwriters' help for years.

After 9/11, the CIA asked Hollywood to help predict further att*cks.

And of course, Richard Curtis wrote the Iraq dossier.

We'll make it worth your while.

Enough of the kid gloves bullshit.

You think this is how we caught Bin Laden?

No. We went in all g*ns blazing and just ten years later, we had him!

If you can't get us Hern, the CIA isn't afraid to get its hands dirty.

What are you saying?

We've got our own plan.

We have a man on the inside.

You know, the foreign minister left me a voicemail.

She calls this a national disgrace!

You!

You spent £2,000 on fish pedicures?

But they make my toes so soft.

And you, more. Private detective after private detective. And for what?

My family did get kidnapped.

Yes, your PERSONAL family. Not the embassy's family. You pay for that!

The numbers aren't the issue here.

The issue is that someone leaked our expenses in the first place.

It's that hacker, Ludo.

Yes!

Maybe Dan Hern?

Leaky Dan Hern, the leaker?

Who's famous for leaking things?

Who's in here for leaking things because he leaks things?!

God!

We have to keep a lookout for anyone that sticks out, who we haven't seen before, who is suspicious.

Guys, guys, let's chill out, OK?

I know I've only been here for a week but if there's one thing I know, it's we El Ricans are a family.

Enough with all this, "Is someone a spy, who's the spy?"

You know, madness.

Let's get back to trusting each other.

Juan Pablo is right.

Yeah, it's going to tear us apart!

And if that ain't just what those danged Americans want, well, my name isn't Juan Pablo Dominguez.

'Actually, Clive, it's you-apostrophe-RE a d*ck, 'meaning "you are", not "your".'

(knock at door)

Are you finish? I must clean!

For the last time, no!

(she sighs)

Seven days to go.

I bought this calendar just to count down.

Birthdays don't matter, Ludo.

Just an excuse for narcissism.

(tweet alert)

Hmm.

Bloody hell.

I do not pluck my eyebrows!

They're just...naturally neat.

You know, at Ludopia, they would throw a surprise party for me each year.

We would blow the roof off!

(rock guitar)

Why ruin a perfectly good cake by putting a lady in it?

Parties are stupid.

Hmmm.

Bunch of people standing in rooms saying some words, having so-called fun.

(tweet alert)

Oh, for f...

Woman's voice reads: Oh, this is good.

Finally a good one.

Yeah.

'I don't normally do this, and I'm sure someone so important won't have time to reply to a girl like me..'

.. But I really admire you and all the work you've done, so I thought I'd say, "Hi".

My name's Catrina.

Woman's voice resumes: '.. long nights in, and data freedom. And I HATE parties.'

.. Talk soon, kiss, kiss, kiss.

Can I go now?

No!

Whoa!

Everybody's being so secretive today.

Like they're planning something.

Eh, Daniel?

Perhaps a surprise party?

No, no, no, don't tell me.

I don't want to know!

(he chuckles)

OK, I changed my mind! Tell me!

Look, Ludo...

No, no, no, wait! Sorry, don't tell me! Best I don't know.

OK, tell me! I can't bear it! What is it?

No, wait, no! Don't!

OK, what is it?!

Look, Ludo, zip it!

I'm sorry, Daniel.

I'm too excited to sleep.

It's midday.

Yeah.

Nap time can wait.

'Dear Catrina, it may surprise you to know I don't get fan mail very often. probably because people are intimidated by my global fame.'

(ludo hums)

Hello?

What are you doing?

Is this something to do with a certain secret?

A secret I'm not meant to be knowing about?

How much do you know?

Hm! Nothing(!)

Wink!

Let's just say I'm going to blow the roof off this place!

Ludo is the mole! He was in my office.

He said all of our secrets are out and he's going to blow this place wide open.

It's not him! Let's throw out Dan Hern.

He's the only one it can be.

I'm going to confront him.

You'll see how stupid you're being!

OK!

Juan Pablo!

Beef for the chief.

Rafael, they were out of the sushi you like but I called a Japanese friend of mine...

Ah, I won't bore you with it, but, enjoy.

Juan Pablo. What did we ever do without him?

I feel bad for paying you no money.

Oh, please, I asked to intern here, didn't I?

I don't expect any payment.

The honour of... serving the country that I love is...

(his voice falters)

OK!

Breathe.

OK.

We wait for Ludo to slip up.

And in the meantime, don't talk to him.

Don't tell him anything.

More leaks. Six months of diplomatic cables.

And Rafael, someone has leaked these erotic pictures of you on the internet.

Leaked?

That's the only explanation.

We need to find this monster and bring him to justice!

So I said, "If that's what you think, "PRESIDENT Obama, "then you know where you can shove it."

So, if you'd read that e-mail, I definitely won the argument.

'Wow, Dan, that's really interesting.

'Tell me more.'

'Then there's the time I met Julian Assange.

'You know he's only four feet tall?

'He just wears big shoes.'

'That's really interesting, Dan.'

'I like you, Catrina.

'There's something about you.

'Something I can't quite put into words.'

(tweet alert)

(keyboard clacks)

(he sighs)

We've been chatting for five hours and he's not asked a single question back.

He REALLY likes talking about himself.

Typical man.

What's the game plan here?

Record him jacking off on webcam? Embarrass him to death?

We hacked his webcam months ago.

We already have 300 hours of... that.

He'll come out in good time.

"Time." The CIA doesn't do "time".

Our leaks from inside will put suspicion on Hern.

It'll be chaos. Just like we made happen in Iraq.

Yeah, I don't think you actually wanted that to happen in Iraq.

Oh, didn't we?!

No.

No.

No.

Agree to disagree.

I know what you're doing.

And you won't get away with it.

What? How could you know?

I didn't want you to find out like this.

You admit it!

You've heard I'm with someone else now and you're hurt, angry.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Did you know William Congreve said that?

A lot of people think it's Shakespeare but it's not.

Hey, you've learned something there.

What's this got to do with you leaking our files online?

What?

You are the mole! Finally we get rid of you.

So you think there's a mole?

How about, I don't know, that new guy, the one everyone loves.

He's an intern.

He's been here a week.

Sounds like he's just stepped off the plane from Washington and he's working for free, despite being, what, 50?

This isn't over, but I must leave now for unrelated reasons.

So, Juan Pablo, I was just wondering where does your accent come from?

Well, I was born in South Rico City.

Then, when I was 20, I moved to Southeast Rico City, so a bit of a mishmash of cultures coming out.

No, I mean, it doesn't sound El Rican at all. It sounds American.

Oh, you know what, I've gotten that before.

Yes, I did spend my gap year in the States, so maybe that's what you're picking up a little.

Wait, wait, wait, surely you are not saying...

You think Juan Pablo is the mole?

I'm just saying he doesn't look like a Juan Pablo, does he?

Juan Pablo is the best intern we've ever had.

He's been like a son to me. Better than a son.

Yeah, thanks, Dad.

He has been here for a fortnight and Mo says that he takes classified files home with him.

Yes, to get ahead on my work. I just want to make a good impression, sir.

Can you not remember anything that Juan Pablo said about trust?

Obviously a spy is going to say trust me! That's his JOB!

Let's settle this once and for all.

Juan Pablo, are you the mole?

I swear on the lives of my El Rican family, I ain't no mole.

Well, that's good enough for me.

It's been a week. Time for stage two. We pull him out of there.

I was hoping I'd get to ring my wife or something, maybe get some clean clothes, a shower?

Hern will be with you by dawn.

I love the smell of waterboarding in the morning. Smells like... water.

A fake girlfriend, that's one thing, but, t*rture? That's unethical.

Keep typing or we publish all your nudey photos.

Do it!

'But I yearn for something more. I want to see the colour of your eyes I want to feel your skin against mine.'

'We can escape together. I can help you. I have powerful friends...'

'The two of us... against the world.'

Say it.

'We can make love under the stars.'

(alarm rings)

It's my birthday! It's my birthday! It's my birthday!

Dan, Dan.

Another year older.

I don't need this kitten calendar any more.

Dan, Dan, Dan.

Dan, today is my birthday.

Hmm.

OK.

It's my birthday! It's my birthday! Hey, it's my birthday! Wait, it's my special day. My birthday, my birthday... Mo, it's my birthday! It's my birthday! It's my birthday! It's my birthday!

OK, pros.

True love. Freedom.

Finally cash in my Nectar points.

Cons.

Might get caught and sentenced to death.

Dan...

Not now, Ludo, I'm thinking.

OK I clean?

Do you want to have a party?

I no English so much.

Only clean.

These urinal cakes were the only cakes I could find.

Lemon. I hate lemon.

(mobile buzzes)

If this is Wonga, I've already told you I gambled your money away and it's not like you'll lend me any more to win it back, so...

Lorna?

Oh, Ludo.

A client, wow!

Um, let me just clear my schedule.

Fire away.

It's my birthday but nobody cares.

Even Dan stood me up for his internet girlfriend.

You're the closest I have to a friend.

Interesting.

Could you phrase that as a legal question?

Is it illegal that Dan didn't come to my party?

Good, now I'm on the clock.

I'm going to tell you what I tell all my divorce clients.

Talk to him, clearly and rationally, tell him how you feel.

Great advice.

And if that fails, set fire to his car.

That's less good advice.

Dan.

Not now, Ludo, this is important.

No, Dan, THIS is important.

I didn't get mad when you woke me up in the mornings.

I didn't get mad when you called Doctor Who a kids' TV show.

It IS a kids' TV show.

But I'm mad now, Dan.

You did nothing for my birthday.

I've been busy.

With her?

Yes, yes.

You barely know her, Dan.

I know enough.

Then what's her second name?

Er, I-I don't need to know her second name to know that she's perfect for me.

OK, what does she do?

She makes the flowers smell sweeter. She makes the sun shine brighter.

Oh...

It's not important!

You are being what my Aunt Inga would call a real sour egg.

Well, your Aunt Inga is an idiot.

You take that back.

It's like that, is it?

Fair warning, Ludo, I am a white belt in Brazilian Jujutsu, which is the beginner belt, but it shows I had the commitment to buy a belt.

Yeah, well, I have seen the film Karate Kid five times.

It's about a kid who learns karate.

How long have they been doing that?

Coming up to half an hour.

You are uninvited from my party!

Yeah, well, you're uninvited from my life!

I'm leaving with Catrina at midnight.

I did some research.

There was no Juan Pablo Dominguez born in Rico City.

You've been lying to us. It's right in front of our faces.

He MUST be the mole.

I brought you into my embassy, into my family.

I have no son.

Well, you still have me.

You know what I meant. Take him away.

Wait, guys, guys, let me explain.

We owe you nothing.

No, it's OK, let him speak.

Thank you.

I've a confession to make. My name is not Juan Pablo Dominguez.

It's...

Hank.

Hank Landerson.

Hank Landerson?

Hank Landerson?

Hank Landerson. Short for Henry.

Pops was American.

He gave me an American name and when he left me and my nine brothers and my mom to fend for ourselves in savage Rico City, I decided I wanted a name that reflected my real roots, so I chose Juan Pablo.

I thought I looked like a Juan Pablo.

I mean, I THOUGHT I did.

Oh, come on!

No, it's true.

I'm no mole, I swear it.

Goodbye, everyone. It's been an absolute pleasure working here.

Thank you so much for the opportunity.

If you could find it in your heart to give me a reference, maybe?

The worst thing is no-one could have seen this coming.

I did.

He had us all fooled.

Not me! I worked it out ages ago.

I was the only one who said anything.

I caught him all by myself!

So I think it's about time I started getting a little bit more respect, yes?

Hey, hey, where's the party?

It's cancelled.

Dan's leaving forever with his girl.

He's what? He can't.

He's my golden goose.

I'm up to my tits in debt, Ludo!

I just bought a f*cking 90" TV, I can fit my head in Dimbleby's mouth.

I am not going back.

We are going to find out who this skank is and crush her!

We're in position. It's happening.

It's cost £11 million but it's happening.

£11 million?

Not the time!

I traced Catrina's messages and I inverted the subnode on the protocol mainframe then I modulated the encryption on their remote server.

Look.

Ooh!

You see?

No, I've got no idea.

This is who his girl really is.

Hi, spies!

m*therf*cker!

He's in our systems!

Shut it down, shut it down now!

Help me! I've been here eight days, call the newspapers, Amnesty, the Writers Guild, anyone!

So we tell Dan she was fake.

He won't listen to me.

But I know someone he will listen to.

(tweet alert)

Woman's voice: Hello, Dan. It is me, Catrina.

The girl which it is you love.

'You are a great man and I am in love with you very much.'

Woman's voice: 'But I can't ask you to leave from your embassy. I know you argue with Ludo. But you like him more than you say. Also, we must never talk again.'

'What? Why?'

Yeah, why?

Step aside.

Here comes a lifetime of rejection and misery.

Let's see.

Woman's voice: 'I'm not ready for all this sort of commitment. I care more about my career. The fortune cookie told me so. It's you or the pigeons. I'm r*cist against white people, despite myself being white. I'm actually 90. There's three billion people I haven't done it with yet...'

'No, something's wrong. I'm coming out. I'm coming to get you.'

It's not working.

OK... let's try this.

(tweet alert)

I want kids.

'What?'

(typing)

Now.

'Right now?'

Yes.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Mission aborted.

Does that mean...?

Get out.

Where am I going to say I've been for eight days? My wife's going...

We've provided a bulletproof alibi, the police will back you up, answers all possible questions.

I've been in jail for solicitation?

Or you can tell the truth which we'll deny.

Cheerio.

So we both failed.

Oh, did we?

Well, they caught your mole so, yes.

Oh, did they?

Dumped Catrina.

I realised bros before hos.

She was crying.

I was like, "Come on, get over it. Move on."

Is that right, then?

I know I moan about being here but... could be worse, eh?

Could be a lot worse.

(beeping)

(camera beeps)

What are you doing?

I clean. I clean plants.

Is that a camera?

I clean camera too.

Mole!

I no English. I finish now. I go. OK, bye-bye!

I'm calling security.

The hell you are!

So hang on...

Juan Pablo...

All completely innocent, yeah.

So what happens now?

Well, I see us having two options.

One - you let me walk away.

Two - you call security, admit you were wrong about the mole, lose everyone's respect and probably get fired.

Fine. Go.

Thank God you said that. I have this g*n.

I was going to have to sh**t you in the face with it which would've been awkward. Ciao!

Oh, hey, Carmen.

Go f*ck yourself, fugitive.

Hey!

You learnt English. Good for you!

Goodbye.

Hello!

Hello!

Do I not get a lawyer or a trial?

I've been here for a while, guys!

Can I get something to eat too, please? And what's with the chains?

I'm in a prison cell!

God! Darn it!