03x08 - Documentary Filmmaking: Redux

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MAN #1: Why did I come to Greendale?

WOMAN: So I can keep my job and get busy with my education.

MAN #2: To meet different people.

MAN #3: Because Greendale's a slam dunk.

WOMAN: So why should you-

MAN #1: Why should you-

MAN #2: Why should you go Greendale?

FORMER DEAN: That's easy. Greendale has the most advanced typing class in the southwestern Greendale area. And now you can register by fax. All: Go Greendale, go Greendale, go!



DEAN PELTON: That, as you probably know, is the currently-running commercial for our school.

PIERCE: Yeah, I always see it during late-night marathons of Fantasy Island.

DEAN PELTON: That's not an accident. It's the result of intensive targeting. But now, Greendale's School board has given me a budget of $2,000 to update our little ad.

TROY: Are you sure it should change? I chose Greendale over city college because of the way that one dude goes... [SHIRLEY & ANNIE GIGGLE]

DEAN PELTON: Ah, okay, okay. You know I love to be seen agreeing with you, Troy. But this is our chance to make Greendale's most reasonable dreams come true. And I need your help- All of you. That's okay, Jeffrey. You can say no. This school asks very little of its students. It mainly gives. I feel like you guys might know what I'm talking about.



JEFF: [STIFFLY] How can we help?

DEAN PELTON: Oh, thanks for asking. I've chosen you, Greendale's brightest, most coincidentally diverse, hispanics not withstanding, study group to star in our commercial. Ooh. Pick a character. We start this weekend.

SHIRLEY: Oh, we get to be on tv!

DEAN PELTON: Abed, true to form, has decided to do the weird thing and film a documentary instead of helping.

ABED: As a student of character, I have a feeling that trying to make this commercial may cost the dean his sanity. And my camera follows the fire, not the smoke. Ever seen Hearts of Darkness? Way better than Apocalypse Now.

PIERCE: What's the catering sitch going to be on this picture?

DEAN PELTON: This isn't Hollywood, Pierce. If it was, these glasses would be tinted, and I’d be friends with Stevie Nicks. No catering.

PIERCE: This is outrageous. I'm not leaving my trailer till there's food.

DEAN PELTON: You don't have a trailer.

PIERCE: Well, then, I’ll rent a trailer. And I won't leave it till I have the one I don't have. I'm an actor, not a circus freak.

DEAN PELTON: Oh, no. I needed to go that way. Eh, I’ll loop around.



[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

♪ Give me some rope, time in a tree ♪ ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ ♪ somebody said we could be here ♪ ♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪ ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ ♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪



DEAN PELTON: All right, let's rehearse this mamajama. Does everyone know who they are? Where's my script girl?

ANNIE: It's supervisor, and I'm right behind you.

DEAN PELTON: Thank you, supervisor girl. Faster than a locomotive.

ANNIE: A script supervisor is the person that tells everyone to stay on script and keeps careful notes to prevent logical inconsistencies. So... basically the star.

DEAN PELTON: We open on a typical day at Greendale, only the students all look happy and you can't smell that smell. Troy?

TROY: Why do I go Greendale?"

SHIRLEY: With three kids at home, you better believe every penny counts."

BRITTA: To meet different people."

DEAN PELTON: And then, you and Troy hug- if you're comfortable with that.

BRITTA: Of course. Yeah, Troy and I are buds. Best buds. Air buds, even. [nervous laughter] Feeling stupid.

DEAN PELTON: And then, the camera pans, and enter Dean Pelton.

JEFF: I got stuck with the role of the dean. So I'm going to show him how much of a dean I can be. And I’ve got a feeling I won't make the cut. [AS DEAN PELTON] Welcome to Dean-Dale community colle-dean. I'm a silly goose. Honk, honk. Dean-a-Lee-doo. Look at me. Stop. This is my sister's outfit.

DEAN PELTON: Jeffrey, stop. You've hit gold. Save some for the screen.

ANNIE: All right, people, scene six is up first. Oh, and I don't think Pierce is coming back. Can someone fill in as the pencil?

PIERCE: Pierce Hawthorne, screen of stage and star, will not leave this trailer until he gets a trailer. And then I'm not leaving that trailer until there's catering. And I'm not eating the food until-

DEAN PELTON: And action.

JEFF: [AS DEAN PELTON] Why go Greendale? Just because, just dean it! Dean machine. Got dean, got much, much got-

DEAN PELTON: And cut. Oh, a star is born.

JEFF: I suggested to the dean that we sh**t my scenes in front of the Luis Guzman statue because the dean has no legal right to broadcast Guzman's image, which means every sh*t will be unusable. I even put a call in to Guzman's lawyers to alert them. I'm always willing to go the extra mile to avoid doing something.

LEONARD: Like sex with women.

JEFF: Shut up, Leonard, you smell like mentholyptus. What are you even doing here?

LEONARD: I'm thinking about breaking into the tv game. Since it's apparently sticking around. I don't want to wake up in 30 years and wonder "what if?"

SHIRLEY: Because this full-time mama ain't breaking the bank with your expensive tuition."

DEAN PELTON: Okay, cut. Shirley, the voice. Can you make it, um- I thought it would be more s- What's another word that means happy/threatening?

SHIRLEY: The word he’s looking for is "sassy." He better pray he don't find it.

DEAN PELTON: As soon as we get this sh*t, we are done.

[PHONE VIBRATING]

ANNIE: Your phone is ringing.

DEAN PELTON: Oh. [INTO PHONE] Dean deaning. Dean Pelton?

LUIZ GUZMAN: Hey, man, how you doing? It's Luis Guzman. I hear you're making a commercial for Greendale, and you need permission to use my face or something?

DEAN PELTON: Well, I, um... Uh...

LUIZ GUZMAN: Well, why not use the real thing?

DEAN PELTON: I'm sorry?

LUIZ GUZMAN: I'm saying, I’d love to be in your commercial.

DEAN PELTON: [GASPS] Wowee! A real big-time celebrity wants to be in my commercial. [DEEPER VOICE] Wowee. A real big time celebrity wants to be in my commercial. Come on down.

LUIZ GUZMAN: Yeah, that's cool. But listen, I’ve got to finish this movie, so, you know, I can't come for a couple of weeks, all right?

DEAN PELTON: Mr. Guzman, Luis, thank you. And can I just say, I loved you in- [SNAPS FINGERS URGENTLY] Innnnnnnn... [CONTINUES HOLDING IN ON "N"] IMDb.

LUIZ GUZMAN: See you soon, man.

[BEEP]

DEAN PELTON: That was tragic.

[TO CAMERA] The students here mean well, they really do. But what Greendale has always needed is a miracle. This is it. This is how I get to put Greendale on the map. You know, I thought this commercial was going to be okay. Well, guess what? It just officially became great. Let me give you a little rundown of this commercial's great elements. Luis Guzman is in it. I'm sorry, will you excuse me?

[TO ALL] Everyone gather 'round, quick announcement. Come on around. Everything that we sh*t so far is worthless. I've thrown it out, and we're starting over tomorrow morning. Why? Because... Luis Guzman is in the commercial now, so... Yeah. For realsies. Everyone, go home. I'm rewriting all of your parts. Except for you, Jeffrey. You have locked into something here. And the only thing your character needs is more screen time.

BRITTA: It's great that he got a celebrity, but why reshoot everything?

ABED: Perfectionism. The dean's first step down a road that ends in self-destruction.

BRITTA: That sounds horrible.

ABED: Actually, I might end up taking this to some festivals.

The dean's production has taken over the entire school. Classes are shut down. The quilting club is being forced to sew costumes.

DEAN PELTON: [OVER P.A.] Two females, both 5'10", one brunette, one with asthma.

ABED: He's also using the P.A. system for casting calls.

ANNIE: Okay, everyone- Does everyone have their new script?

NEIL: Uh, it says I'm supposed to be a book reading a book. That- that doesn't make sense.

[DEAN PELTON CLEARS THROAT]

ANNIE: What's this?

DEAN PELTON: [GRAVELLY VOICE] Scene four.

Last night, I had an epiphany. I'm ready to step this mother up a notch. This commercial is going to push every button, starting with the one that is so hot, it will sizzle your finger- racccccce. And action.

BRITTA: To meet different people.

DEAN PELTON: Cut! I'm coming in. I am trying to pull a 400-year-old dagger out of this nation's heart, and you two are hugging. [TO TROY] Her, I understand, but you?

TROY: What did I do?

DEAN PELTON: You didn't. Let's take it again!

BRITTA: To meet different people.

DEAN PELTON: Again.

BRITTA: To meet different people.

DEAN PELTON: I need more! More! Wrong! Fight the power! Fight it with your hugs. Tear down those walls. [CLAPBOARD CLACKING] Okay, you get this wrong one more time, I'm segregating the school.

BRITTA: To meet different people.

DEAN PELTON: You can't even do it when we're helping!

[BRITTA & TROY START SOBBING.]

TROY: Somebody help her!

BRITTA: To meet different people!

TROY: Stop saying I'm different!

ANNIE: Dean, we've spent 12 hours on this scene. Maybe it's time to move on to something else.



BRITTA: I'm in Psych 101, and even I don't know what's happening.

ABED: The dean is going insane and taking all of you with him.

TROY: If you know that, then do something!

ABED: I'm doing everything I can. I only have so many cameras.

TROY & BRITTA: Oh! Aah!



JEFF: I've spent an entire day in this thing for no reason. What if the sh**t drags on for another day? Or, God forbid, two.

DEAN PELTON: And action, and move.

SHIRLEY: This full-time mama ain't breaking the bank-

DEAN PELTON: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut- Garrett, you're not taking advantage of the motion capture technology. You have to move.

GARRETT: I forgot what I am again.

DEAN PELTON: Oh, for crying out- you are a microscope! No, that's a toilet. No, that's clearly a frog who can't get out of a box.

CHANG: Jeff thinks he has it bad? As Jeff's understudy, I have to wear my Jeff wig on top of my Chang hair and then my bald cap on top of that. There's no air getting through here. I'm literally dying. But you'll never hear my story. I mean, now you heard it, but... That was close.



EUGENE (RICHIE): [OVER PHONE] Are you sure you can't work a little faster? Nobody asked for perfection.

DEAN PELTON: [INTO PHONE] Well, perfection is what you're getting. And if you don't like it, you can fire me.

EUGENE (RICHIE): Yeah, if we don't like it, at this point, we definitely will fire you.

DEAN PELTON: Good. That's how I like it.

Ha! I'm surrounded by assassins. My own school's paper has turned on me. But when this is all over, I’ll have a commercial with Luis Guzman in it, and all they'll have are their words and their fears and whatever embarrassing photos they can get from my two-faced mother.



ANNIE: Garrett, I’ve got two men in diapers here. I know one of them is playing the dawn of a new era in education, but I’ve got nothing on the other one.

MAN: Oh, um, just a guest of the dean's.

ANNIE: Well, both of you go that way, then.

[TO CAMERA] The dean had his seventh epiphany today, which has given me an epiphany of my own. The dean is a genius. He has to be. If he isn't, I’ve given almost two weeks of my life to an idiot. That is unacceptable. Therefore the dean is a genius. And I will die protecting his vision.

ABED: Are you by any chance familiar with Stockholm Syndrome?

ANNIE: Is it something that the dean created? Because if not, I don't care.



SHIRLEY: We all wanna go, but the dean won't let us. I think Pierce played this the smartest from the beginning. He's probably at home watching Forensic Files and eating cheesy popcorn.

PIERCE: Well, about time.

LEONARD: Hey, that's for Luis Guzman.

PIERCE: Well, when you get me my trailer, he can have it back. And make it as nice as this one. [to Jeff] Hey, Dean. Dean? Hey, Dean!

JEFF: Pierce mistook me for the dean today.

PIERCE: I want windows!

ABED: How did that make you feel?

JEFF: [WHISPERING] I’ve become a stranger to myself. I'm bald now. I've always been bald. I merely dreamt of having hair. And now the bald man is awake.

ANNIE: Jeff? It's time.

JEFF: [AS DEAN PELTON] Lights, camera, Dean. Action. Why go Greendale? Just because!

DEAN PELTON: Cut. Cut. Lose the bald cap.

JEFF: What?

DEAN PELTON: I don't like it. It's hokey, it's fake. Take it off.

JEFF: No.

DEAN PELTON: I beg your pardon, actor?

JEFF: I have worn this stupid thing for 12 days. I have made bald friends.

DEAN PELTON: Well, that's your mistake. Because it's a lie. It's Hollywood crap. And I won't allow it in my commercial. You're not bald.

JEFF: Yes, I am.

DEAN PELTON: Well, then, you're wrong for the part!

CHANG: Understudy!

DEAN PELTON: [GASPS] That's it. That's reality. Winger, you're done. Go home. Go home.

BRITTA: Okay, I don't know why, but this is the last straw. As a licensed psychology major, I am declaring this production a violation of human rights. You have made us prisoners of your insanity.

ANNIE: Shut your face, Britta. If the dean wants his role to be played by a Chinese man in a blond wig- Oh, my God, you are insane.

DEAN PELTON: All right, I'm sick and tired of hearing complaints that I'm forcing people to be here. Anyone who doesn't want to help me can leave!

Abed, stop! Okay. Keep rolling.



LUIS GUZMAN: Hello? Hello. Hello? Hello, it's me. Luis Guzman.

DEAN PELTON: Hello! Hi. Hi, Mr. Guzman, Dean/Director Craig Pelton. Sorry, I’ve been editing. It's a little bit of a mess.

LUIS GUZMAN: What the [BLEEP] is that?

DEAN PELTON: Oh, that's a possum. Once you spend some time with them, you see they're just like big, gentle rats.

LUIS GUZMAN: Who's the guy?

ABED: I'm no one.

DEAN PELTON: That's Abed. He's a little bit odd. Now, without further ado, here is the commercial you will be staring in. [INDISTINCT CELTIC MUSIC]

VOICES: Why do I go Greendale? [DISCO MUSIC] [HEAVY METAL MUSIC, SCREAMING] Aah! What's in the box? [CLASSICAL MUSIC] Ohh...Oh... [OVERLAPPING SOUND EFFECTS] [DANCE MUSIC]

LUIS GUZMAN: I've got to make a phone call. I had to tell this dean I couldn't do his commercial. He didn't take that too well either. Y'all gotta help this dude. I mean, aren't you his friends?

ABED: I'm more of a fly on the wall.

DEAN PELTON: What is go- what? You won't be in my commercial, but you'll be in his stupid documentary? All he does is follow people around.

LUIS GUZMAN: Yeah, but haven't you seen Hearts of Darkness? Way better than-

DEAN PELTON: I want you the hell off of my campus, you ungrateful backstabber. I already got rid of your trailer.

LUIS GUZMAN: I had a trailer?

PIERCE: Can anyone hear me? I will walk off this production. I will quit! Hello?

LUIS GUZMAN: I come here to sh**t this commercial for Greendale. That's what you had written on the script.

DEAN PELTON: Ugh, that script was terrible.

LUIS GUZMAN: I thought it was pretty good.

DEAN PELTON: Of course you'd think that. You went here.

LUIS GUZMAN: Oh, I get it. You're worse than crazy. You're ashamed of your school. And that- that statue of me out there, that's just wrong, man.

DEAN PELTON: Well, the bronze adds ten pounds.

LUIS GUZMAN: Nah, man- It's not going to be perfect. Screw you. I'm just saying, don't worship the people leaving Greendale. Worship the people that are here. Worship this place. It changes people's life. Look, I loved my time here. I got laid like crazy. That's way before Boogie Nights too. Look, this is a special school. You don't deserve to be here. [SCOFFS]

DEAN PELTON: Are you still filming, Abed?

ABED: Yeah, but try not to address me. I'm not really here.

DEAN PELTON: Neither am I. I don't think I can finish my commercial. But I think I know how your documentary ends.



[TO CAMERA] Hi, I'm Craig Pelton, Dean of Greendale Community College. I have failed this school. I have failed it because I thought I was better than Greendale. See, I went to a university, so I thought it was my job to improve this place. But it turns out that the only thing wrong with Greendale is that it's run by an insecure wreck who holds five dances and two talent shows a year because he's afraid that the school isn't good enough. But Greendale is good enough because it accepts me for what I'm not. Greendale is the best school in the entire world, and I'm so sorry what I’ve done to it. And I'm sorry what I’ve done to the ice cream machine. Aah! Please, no one eat out of it until you clean the nozzles. The janitor knows how. I'm horrible. [WHISPERS] I'm horrible.



[TO EUGENE/RICHIE & CARD] Gentlemen, what I'm about to show you is not the commercial you paid me to create. What I am about to show you is a glimpse into my mind and soul. Please hold your questions until the end. I know you will have a lot of them, but I’ll understand if you'd rather I just leave.



[UPBEAT CHEESY POP MUSIC]

TROY: Why do I go Greendale?

ANNIE: The dean is a genius.

BRITTA: To meet different people.

SHIRLEY: With three kids at home, you better believe every penny counts.

LUIS GUZMAN: I loved my time here. I got laid like crazy.

ALL: So why should you- Why should you- Why should you go to Greendale?

DEAN PELTON: Greendale is the best school in the entire world.

ALL: Go Greendale, go Greendale, go!



CARL: It's good. Y-you know what, better than good. Good enough.

EUGENE (RICHIE): Is there any more of the crazy Chinese guy? He pops.

DEAN PELTON: I'm confused. That's not my commercial. I-I didn't make that.

CARL: Yeah, yeah, okay, Zemeckis, it moved through you. Anyway, congratulations. That should last us another 16 years. So, uh, what's next?

EUGENE (RICHIE): Chump's rusty bucket?

CARL: Quarter taps.

DEAN PELTON: [TO ABED] Did you do this?

ABED: You did mostly. You got the footage you needed on the first day. I added a little bit of my footage to fill in the gaps.

DEAN PELTON: I thought you were a fly on the wall.

ABED: Some flies are too awesome for the wall.

[VOICEOVER] Documentarians are supposed to be objective, to avoid having any effect on the story. And yet we have more effect than anyone. Because we decide to tell it. And we decide how it ends. Will your story be yet another sad one of yet another man who just wanted to be happy? Or will your story acknowledge the very nature of stories and embrace the fact that sharing the sad ones can sometimes make them happy?

DEAN PELTON: Ugh. Before you say anything... Nope, I’ve got nothing. Can you just forgive me?

JEFF: Yep.

DEAN PELTON: [RELIEVED SIGH] Why?

JEFF: Because we've all been there. Which is why we're all here.

ALL: Aww!

DEAN PELTON: I'm a good Dean?

ALL: Yeah.

DEAN PELTON: Can someone help me get a live possum out of my office?

SHIRLEY: We could do that.

DEAN PELTON: It just keeps jumping and skittering. And you think you're prepared, and then it skitters again.

ABED: Okay, scene's over.

BRITTA: Hmm? [LAUGHTER]



[EXCITING PREMIERE-LIKE MUSIC]

ASSISTANT: They'll be ready for you in 20 minutes, Mr. Garlin.

MR. GARLIN: Great.

PIERCE: I'm a star! Give me that. I will not be mitigated.

MR. GARLIN: Okay, you know what? I'm not coming out of this trailer until I get a new trailer. [SHOUTING] And get me a granola bar!

Submitted and corrected by: Geneva