01x05 - Nut Cutters?

[bunniefuu]

You can't be sleeping with this patient. He's only 6

He has Advanced Aging Disease. It's just not right.

I was kidding. Oh my God. Seriously, you kids have fun.

That's it. This kid's getting a vasectomy.

No. Don't.

Excuse me. No, I didn't fart. I just have to get by.

There aren't stairs there.

Nut cutters.

Do you mean the Scalpel?

Well, I'm not going to give it To you unless you call it by its Right name.

Glenn: Fine. Scalpel.

Thank you for the nut cutters.

Nurse robin: Dr. Richie, it Looks like you're giving this 6-year-old boy a vasectomy.

Glenn: Well...I'm not.

Sperm-tube slicer.

Nurse robin: Oh, no.

I can't be party to this.

Ohh.

Glenn: Fine, I'll do it myself.

Where do I put this [bleep]

Blake: Hey, lola.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Lola: Sure, but you better Make it quick.

I just took an ambien, and it's About to kick in.

Blake: Look, I know you don't Really have a tumor, okay?

I know you're just claiming you Did in order to break up with Owen.

I get that.

Lola: Oh, thank god that Someone gets it.

Blake, thank you.

Blake: I want to operate on Your nonexistent tumor.

Lola: Oh, god.

Blake: No, hear me out.

I challenged the new clown Doctor to a "healing power of Laughter" off.

Now, if I operate on your fake Tumor, I'm bound to win.

Lola: No. It's stupid.

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Ambien.

Blake: What?

Lola: It's kicking in.

So...

Blake: Oh!

Uh...

Sal: Attention, staff.

The heavyweight champion of the World -- rocky balboa.

Blake: What?

You want to go to the o.R.?

Okay, I'll take you.

Cat: Webster's dictionary Defines "love" as a roof lantern Or turret, often with slatted Apertures for escape or smoke or Admission of light in a medieval Building.

[ crying ]

Cat: God, what's wrong? this is all your fault!

Cat: Wh-- your ex-boyfriend just gave My 6-year-old son nicky a Vasectomy!

Cat: Josh brolin gave your Son a vasectomy? no! Dr. Richie!

Cat: Oh, that makes more Sense.

Josh brolin isn't licensed to Practice medicine... dr. Black?

Cat: ...That I know of. dr. Black!

Cat: Okay! God!

The answer to your question is Yes.

I dated josh brolin.

[ gags ]

[ vomits ] oh, don't be so dramatic.

Cat: I'm not.

I've been really sick lately, Mainly in the mornings, in Between all these really weird Food cravings ever since I had Sex with your son. you had sex with my son?!

Cat: What, you prefer I have Sex near your son or above your Son?

I don't see what the big deal is About me having sex with your

Son. it's not about the Preposition!

Cat: [ vomits ]

Oh, no!

Ever since I had sex with your Son, I hadn't been feeling Right.

I hope I'm not, uh...

Sick with something your son Gave me.

[ laughter ]

Dr. Von Sydow: No, it's true, Though.

Zach braff has a really tiny Penis.

A colored hooker told me.

Owen: Wow.

Chief: Whoa? Wow.

Dr. Von Sydow: Yeah. Yeah.

But isn't it about time that we Operated on your various Neurological and muscular Disorders?

Chief: Right.

Oh, hey, you guys, I think You should know that I've Decided to let dr. Max Von Sydow Cure me.

Owen: Of what?

Chief: Wish me luck.

Blake will be in charge while I'm recovering.

Hey, wait a minute, where is Blake?

Briggs: Hey!

Blake is operating on lola's Brain tumor using only the Healing power of laughter.

Owen: Two crazy operations at Once?

Let's go!

Chief: Hurry, everybody!

Hurry!

Announcer: Previously on "childrens hospital"...

Blake: I want to operate on Your nonexistent tumor.

Oh!

What? You want to go to the o.R.? Okay, I'll take you.

Briggs: Blake is operating on Lola's brain tumor using only The healing power of Laughter.

Owen: Two crazy operations at Once?

Let's go!

[ mid-tempo music plays ]

Chief: Well, lola, this is It.

When we return to this spot, we Will be two very different People.

Punch it in.

Oh.

Max, can I get a little help Here?

Dr. Von Sydow: Oh, yeah.

Chief: I want to punch it in.

Dr. Von Sydow: Um, sure.

Let's just kind of let that try To un-gnarl for a second.

Chief: Pull it.

Okay, there you go.

Dr. Von Sydow: There it is.

Chief: Ow. Okay.

It doesn't really...

Dr. Von Sydow: Does this fist Straighten out?

Chief: Yeah, that doesn't Bend.

Dr. Von Sydow: Okay.

Chief: That's good enough.

Dr. Von Sydow: All right.

Chief: Okay, punch it in.

Dr. Von Sydow: Oh, yeah.

Chief: Oh, okay. Blake?

Blake: Huh? Oh.

Chief: Can I get a little Help here?

Blake: Of course.

Chief: Thanks.

Blake: Just, uh --

Chief: Just get it --

There you go.

Yeah!

Dr. sydow: All right.

Blake: Brush.

Ironic t-shirt.

"truth in comedy."

[ laughs ]

Andy d*ck did comedy?

Dr. Von Sydow: Suture the Central line of the contracture.

Pulse ox?

Nurse allison: 74.

[ rapid beeping ]

Doctor, code brown.

Dr. Von Sydow: Claudicate the Distal cavity.

Nurse allison: But that's so Risky.

Dr. Von Sydow: Claudicate it.

Now.

Nurse allison: It worked.

I thought you were gay.

Blake: [ laughs ]

[ vocalizing ]

Ukulele!

Oh, man, it's getting funny in Here!

[ laughing ]

Dr. Von Sydow: [ clears Throat ]

[ sighs ]

That's it.

Close her up.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The new and improved chief.

[ applause ]

Dr. helms: Wait.

What happened to her curves?

Dr. Von Sydow: What are You -- look at these curves.

Dr. helms: The curves in Her spine, you idiot!

Dr. mantzoukas: Yeah, where's Her one big shoe?

Boo!

Dr. helms: Boo!

Chief: All right, listen up.

I haven't changed.

My insides are still as Differently abled as my body Used to be.

I'm still chief, and I'm still In charge.

Although he didn't fix my Handicapped vag*na, so that's Still a little weird.

Dr. mantzoukas: Awesome.

Dr. helms: Cool.

Chief: All right.

Let's turn our attention to the Real success story of today --

Dr. Lola spratt's brain tumor.

Blake?

Blake: Okay. I, uh -- I did Extract the brain tumor using Only the healing power of Laughter, so that was a success.

Uh, and she d*ed.

Yeah, sorry.

But look, look, look, look, I Wielded the healing power of Laughter.

It had had a profound effect on Someone.

I mean, yes, granted, not the Effect I would have wanted --

Quite the opposite.

But, um, I'm getting there, Which is why I want to announce That I am leaving childrens Hospital.

I'm going to start my own Private practice.

You might say I'm headed for a Bit of a nervous "blake...Downs, M.D.," coming this fall.

So goodbye.

[ slow music plays ]

Cat: Life.

I wish there was another word For what life becomes when it's Over.

We have so little time.

So we cry...

And we love...

And we eat.

That's got to be at least three Things we do.

How can we possibly find the Time to do anything else?

[ mid-tempo music plays ]

Corddry: Thank you for Watching these, the last two Episodes of "childrens Hospital," the web series.

Um, now as sort of a Retrospective, I would love to Look back at the series as a Whole and sort of show you some Of my favorite clips from the Season.

I think -- I think you're gonna Enjoy them as much as I did.

[ mid-tempo music plays ]

Blake: You know, I once cured A case of lou gehrig's disease By pretending I was trapped Inside a box.

Used to be, I could fix a fuel Pump using the healing power of Laughter.

I did extract the brain tumor Using only the healing power of Laughter, so that was a success.

There once was a man from Nantucket whose penis was so Abnormally large that he could Reach it with his own mouth.

Whoa!

Uh-oh!

Yeah, I don't know what you're Talking about.

Prep the o.R.

Well, I'm not laughing.

What's up?

[ mid-tempo music plays ]

holed up, boxed in troubled, inhuman help me lose this uneasy injustice I'm fat, I'm foul and I'm on my own I climbed this mountain all Alone