03x05 - Nip/Tug

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Previously on Childrens Hospital...

Your son has brain stem syndrome.

[ Gasps ]

No, don't worry.

The name can be misleading.

[ Sighs ]

It's more of a disease than a syndrome.

Man, this locker room isn't haunted.

"Brazil's Most Haunted Locker Rooms."

The prettiest shiksa in all of Brazil.

[ Both chuckle ]

Best damn administrator in all of Brazil.

Come on.

Which, by the way, is where we are right now.

This hospital is in Brazil, as we all know, fully staffed by and in service of expatriate Americans.

Lola: Vanity.

When you don't see beyond yourself, you fail to see others, and when you fail to see others, you become the opposite of Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense."

You don't see alive people.

My point is you are so much hotter than Bruce Willis.

[ Smooches ]

Sweet surgery, yo.

We removed that boy's tumor just in time.

Oh, is that what we did?

I was so in the zone, I was just ripping out whatever looked weird.

[ Glenn laughs ]

[ Owen gasps ] Oh, my God.

Is that Sarah Hyland from "Modern Family"?

Glenn: No, it's not.

That's the work of Tug Spano, the new pediatric plastic surgeon.

Who's Tug Spano?

The new pediatric plastic surgeon.

What's his name?

Tug Spano.

Check this out.

He can make a kid look like a teen pop idol, their favorite politician...

Anything they want.

Before, after.

And this kid's career is blowing up right now.

He is good.

No. He's gooder.

And he's even better than gooder with the ladies.

Check.

[ Cat giggles ]

[ Owen scoffs ] He's teaching her yoga.

How pretentious.

And that... is how I would have sex with you.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh-oh.

Look like the natives are getting jealous.

Namaste, doc-docs.

Tug Spano, M.D.

Look, I know that each of you has a history with some of the femalic doctors around here, so I want to be up front about this.

The Tug man will be putting the moves on these ladies, and by "moves," I mean I will be putting my fantastic penis in them.

[ Glenn inhales sharply ]

Wow.

Are cigarillos cool again?

God, I hope so.

I'm telling you... This is not our baby.

All right, Mr. and Mrs. Dunn, I'm gonna chalk this up to first-time parent jitters.

This baby is Chinese!

Yeah, well, maybe your wife blasted a Chinaman.

Not my problem. Thank you.

[ Beep ]

Number 19.

Okay, here we...

All: R-A-P-E: Resist All Possible Encounters.

In this class, you will learn how to b*at the r*pist at his own game.

Or her own game.

[ Clears throat ]

b*at the r*pist at her own game.

[ Stifled laughter ]

Oh, Blakey.

[ Laughs ]

"Her"... That's impossible.

[ Metal clatters ]

Somebody help me!

I was just date r*ped!

All right. Everybody got their r*pe whistles?

Always keep them with you, especially at discount movie theaters.

Well, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some skin-slinger like...

What's his name?

Tug Spano.

Move in our turf.

Yeah, if we back down now, we'll never get back on top.

Come on. Let's go get a churro.

Ooh. Churros.

I mean, think about it.

If our patients find out that we're not getting laid right and left, they're not gonna respect.

And the next thing you know, they're taking away our hospital-issued Escalades.

Glenn: I practically live in my 'sclade.

Owen: I literally live in my 'sclade.

Glenn: God. Times are tough all around.

Owen: Next thing you know, they're taking away our record contracts.

Glenn: What?!

But my album just dropped!

Cocáina fresquinha. Cocáina fresquinha.

You want some cocaine?

Nah.

Cocáina fresquinha?

Si.

Dos churritos.

Hey, I got it!

You know how Cat has venereal warts, right?

Of course.

Okay, we trick Cat into sleeping with Tug, then when he gets warts, no one's gonna want to touch him.

We'll be back on top, which is my favorite position.

Glenn: Let's get back to the hospital, which is in Brazil.

It's kind of a gray area, but yes.

Generally speaking, if it happens on spring break, then it's not considered r*pe.

All right.

[ Raps desk ]

Today, we are gonna go over a great self-defense strategy: Pooping yourself.

I'll volunteer.

Why, Blake, I didn't ask for a volunt...

But first... [ Exhales sharply ]

I'd like to make a testimonial.

Owen: There she is.

I'll set her up, you knock her down.

And hopefully she'll take the bait and sleep with Tug.

Hey, girlfriend.

Guess who has a crush...

Not now, guys.

I'm late to go have sex with Tug.

We did it.

Doctor, this is not our child!

We got the wrong child, too!

We had a girl!

I ordered a meatball sub, and you gave me an Eskimo kid!

People, people. Please... Shut up.

[ Crowd murmurs ]

You have got to trust the system that is in place.

Now, the babies that you have are probably yours.

Please take them and... And raise them.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meatball sub to eat.

I need some chips, need some chips, need some chips.

Excuse me.

And I see her here every day.

And I have to pretend like everything's cool.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, but it's not.

[ Voice breaking ] And it never will be.

Blake... Your courage to share such an emasculating and ridiculous drama has opened up the door for other male r*pe victims to share their stories.

Anyone?

I'm proud of you, Blake.

Let's have a group hug.

You did it. How do you feel?

Good.

[ Whistle blows ]

Dr. Spano: Of course, we had to change Muno primarily for legal reasons, but I think Barney purple was an awesome call, little man.

Kudos.

So, it's that easy?

Oh, I wish.

First, we'll put this knucklehead to sleep so he's not asking to play his iPhone games every five minutes.

Then once he's out, these practiced hands will slowly and gently remove the epidermal layer, leaving him completely...

[ Inhales sharply ]

Exposed and vulnerable.

Oh.

Then what?

Yeah. Then what, Doctor?

Then I'll manipulate the myofascial layer with my finger, maybe two fingers, if you know what I mean.

I actually don't know what you mean.

Here. Take that.

Then, when the muscles are responding to my touch just the right way, I'll know that you're ready for insertion...

Of an epidermal tap.

[ Both gasp ]

[ Blake inhales sharply ]

[ Sighs ]

Valerie, I need to speak with you right now.

What you did to me in that closet last year was an act of power and aggression, and it was wrong.

But you know what?

I am strong, and I am taking back the night!

[ Valerie raps desk ]

You are worth nothing.

You're ugly.

Everything that has ever gone wrong in your life is your fault because God hates you.

[ Blake gasps ]

But I don't hate you.

I'm the only one.

I'm... in... your... head.

[ Blake gasps ]

Boo!

[ Blake gasping ]

Scram.

Thank you.

Oh, my God!

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Owen laughs ]

Oh, hey, Tug. Guess what.

Dr. Spano: Hey, bro-bros.

The Tug thug is making this kid look like a giant purple cucumber, so you two need to shove off.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I think you're gonna want to hear this.

Yeah, it involves a certain someone you did a certain something with, who then transmitted a certain sexually transmitted something to a certain penis on your groin.

Dr. Spano: Normally I'd love to talk about all the poonanny I get, but right now, as always, business comes before pleasure.

Hot glue g*n.

He chooses doctoring over sex.

Impressive.

Dr. Spano: Hey, I got an idea.

You guys want to take a hit off this surgery?

[ Owen scoffs ]

Hell, yeah.

Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Tug, you were incredible back there...

I mean, just so relaxed!

Hey, man.

It's called flow... Just doing what I love and loving what I do.

Glenn: Flow.

[ Laughter ]

Whoa!

Max. Are you okay?

The whole maternity ward is a mess, and it's all my fault.

I gave everybody the wrong baby, I'm gonna get fired, and my meatball sub tasted a little off today.

Hey, little doc.

Maybe I can help out.

I can perform plastic surgery on the mismatched infants so that they'll look more like the parents they're supposed to be with.

Yeah, let's do that... Now.

Hold on, Tug, this seems extreme.

What do you say?

Bros helping bros?

This seems wildly irresponsible.

Yeah, but if there's one thing I've learned from all this, it's that doing unnecessary plastic surgery on little kids gets you crazy laid!

We're in.

Dr. Von Sydow: Let's didgeridoo this, guys.

Hey, remind us to tell you about this crazy goof we pulled on you when we hated your chiseled guts.

[ Dr. Spano laughs ]

Can't wait, man.

I love a good goof.

You, Max!

What are you thinking?

What's happening up there on the maternity ward?

Not to worry, Sy.

I got a solid plan.

Too late. You're fired.

Whoa, easy, Sy.

You got the wrong guy.

I'm the one that mixed up los niños.

Okay. You're fired.

[ Crowd murmurs ]

Tug!

I'm the one that stirred up this hive, so let me take the sting.

I realize now that the old Tugboat pulled into this harbor a little too quick for most folks, but that's just how the Tugger pulls.

Unless the sign reads, "This property is condemned,"

I move right in.

Sometimes, I even squat, if you know what I mean.

We got to let Tug make things right here at Childrens, and that, my friends, is the dug-dug on smug Tug.

Tug, you can't go. You're one of us now.

It's time for the Tug slug to slither on down the road.

The Tug rug needs to lay in other rooms.

Plus, I don't have a medical degree... Tug.

♪ You took some chances leaving the way that you did. ♪

Owen: We're gonna miss you, Tug Spano.

And you have warts.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Lola: When you look beyond yourself, you open your heart to others, which can sometimes lead to r*pe, but most times, it teaches you to be the best person you can be.

And hopefully, that's the person you were meant to be all along.

Oh, I'm totally gonna make cigarillos cool again.

[ Baby cries ]

Here we go.

Here we go. There we go.

Here we go. There we go.

Here we go. There we go.

[ Exhales sharply ]

♪ You're never gonna be that far away from home. ♪
♪ Well, you think you do, ♪
♪ but you don't know where you're from. ♪
♪ I want to go home. ♪
♪ I want to go home. ♪

Hey, Tom. What's up?

Hey, what's up, guys?

I mean, as far as Tug Spano is concerned, we can either get mad or get even.

The second thing you said... Totally.

Sal: Attention, hospital staff: I have a screwdriver in my hand.

This is not a drill.

I repeat, this is not a drill.