04x05 - Behind the Scenes

[bunniefuu]

Lola: Oh! I think it's working.

Glenn: Don't break open the champagne just yet.

This may look straightforward, but there's a lot going on behind the scenes.

Anything...can...happen.

But it didn't, and we are done!

Sew her up!

Okay. Thanks, everybody.

Cat: Wow, Glenn.

That was so amazing.

I'm so impressed.

Glenn: Oh, any pediatrician can throw in a kid's heart.

It's the stuff you've been doing lately -- that's the real stuff.

Cat: Yeah?

What stuff do you mean?

Glenn: A-all. All of it.

Cat: You think?

Glenn: Oh, I don't have to think, I feel.

David: And cut.

Cut!

I said cut, cut, cut, cut.

Dixie: Sorry, I didn't hear you.

David: Obviously you did hear me, 'cause you responded the third time I said it.

Dixie: Maybe if you said it louder the first time, then it wouldn't be an issue.

David: There's no issue, honey.

My wife, everybody.

I guess I made my own bed, right?

[ Laughs ] Moving on. Hallway scene, let's go.

Lynn: Sorry, David, David. One sec.

Um, I just, uh... I hate to be that actress, you know, and I just -- but I have to say, and I know you have so much other stuff to worry about, but, you know, why am I just a glorified nurse in that scene?

Jessica: Let me say a word about what the network thinks, okay?

You're our anchor.

Lynn: Uh-huh.

Jessica: Lynn, you are our anchor.

Lynn: Right.

Jessica: You have grown old on this show, audiences know you.

We would just like audiences to know Dixie a little more.

Has anyone seen my iPad?

Cutter: Hey, everybody. I'm glad I caught you.

This is Jake, my nephew.

He's interning here now and he's a huge fan of the show.

This is Lynn Williams.

Jake: I know who you are.

Will you sign this?

Lynn: Of course.

Jake: I photoshopped it.

You're my favorite.

You were my favorite five years ago.

Right now, Dixie's my favorite.

Is Dixie here?

Cutter: Yeah.

Jake: I want to meet her next.

I also put in Chinese Santa Claus because, like, what does that even mean?

Cutter: What does that mean?!

Dixie: You want to come to my dressing room and rehearse in 20 minutes?

Glenn: Yes, just tell me when and where.

Dixie: [ Groans ]

Lynn: Hey, Dixie.

Great wedding last week.

Dixie: You know what?

David and I were just so happy to have you there.

And thank you so much for the dish towel.

Lynn: Cut the [Bleep]

You and I both know that you got hitched to the director...

Both: 'Cause you don't have the talent to make it on your own.

How long you gonna stay with him, huh?

Lynn: How did you know what I was gonna...

Dixie: Say?

Lynn: Whoa.

Dixie: Honey, I've been playing out this conversation in my head ever since the wedding.

You think I stole your position on the show just like I stole David.

Well, guess what.

He was given to me by him.

Both: So why don't you just --

Lynn: Ohh, see.

I've been playing out this conversation my head since it began 30 seconds ago.

Two can play at this...

Dixie: Game.

Both: Justin...Timber...Bum.

Dixie: Game on, Lynn.

Ms. Williams, them ready for you in studio B.

Lynn: Game on.

Yeah, she on her way.

Them talking about some gay man.

Owen: Dori, what time does that staff meeting start?

Dori: It started 10 minutes ago.

Do you want me to tell them that you're on your way?

Owen: [ Snoring ]

Dori: Uh... [ laughs ]

Um...Should we cut?

He's sleeping again.

David: Cut!

Okay, let's break for brunch and we'll try it again afterward.

That's brunch, everybody!

One hour for brunch!

Rob: [ Exhales sharply ]

What is wrong with me?

Cutter: Did you fall asleep again?

Rob: Yes.

Something's definitely off, I can feel it.

Ohh!

I need a massage.

Jake, you're a fan of the show, it'd be a big treat for you.

Jake: Yes, it would.

Rob: Oh, good. Get over here.

Ahh. Mind the tubes, boy.

That dialysis machine is filtering my rotten blood.

You tweet that and I'll s*ab you.

Mr. Huebel, there's a Dr. Bloomfield waiting for you at reception.

Rob: [ Sighs ] Send him in.

Oy, this having a broken kidney is no fun at all.

Lady Jane: [ Humming ]

Lynn: Lady Jane, can I ask you a question?

Lady Jane: [ British accent ]

Oh. Anything, ducky.

Lynn: Oh, good.

Ah, well, have you ever felt like someone's edging in on your territory, but there's just nothing you can do about it because she's married to the director?

Lady Jane: More times than I can count, my dear.

I was on a music hall tour with a broad-shouldered Welshman.

We were clog dancers, and we pulled in for a two-nighter at Nesbie's place in Haymark.

Now, this would before the fire, of course, and there was no ventriloquist!

[ Laughs ]

Because Charlie Morton was sloshed in Lambert Square, driving on the right side of the road, which is the wrong side of the road, despite what you colonists might think.

And he was having a one-sided conversation with donkey squires, which if you did know donkey squires, you really would know that it's not unusual at all.

Lynn: I don't know him.

David: Action.

Chief: Lola, if you hit my car in the parking lot one more time, I'm gonna smack you.

Lola: Oh!

Chief, you said one more time.

I thought I had one more time.

Chief: Ha, you're right.

You got me.

David: And cut! Great.

Lady Jane: My advice would be to drive a wedge between Dixie and David.

Dr. Bloomfield: Well, your remaining kidney is essentially gone.

You need to stay on your dialysis machine 24 hours a day.

If you go off it for even a minute, you could die.

Rob: Oh, come on.

What do you know anyway?

Dr. Bloomfield: Look, Rob.

I'm your doctor.

I just tell you what I see in the chart.

Ultimately, you'll do what you want to do.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Oh, I have a robocall from Verizon.

I have to take this.

Rob: What am I going to do?

If the producers find out I'm this sick, my career is over.

Jake: I have an idea where you can stay on your dialysis machine 24/7, still act on the show, and no one will ever know.

Rob: Speak.

Jake: Space robots.

Dixie: It's only been nine and a half minutes, Dr. Ritchie. You're early.

Ken: I couldn't wait any longer for my appointment, Dr. Black.

Dixie: I think I have to write you a prescription for romance.

David: And cut!

Ken: Aaah!

David: Did you hear me that time?

Was it loud enough?

Dixie: David, how long have you been standing there?

David: No, it looks like the scene's in really, really, good shape.

Dixie: Don't even go there, David.

We were clearly just rehearsing.

David: I'm serious, Dixie.

I love it.

Dixie: David.

Ken: Thank you, Mr. wain.

Lynn: Hi. No, hold on.

Just one moment.

I don't want to be that actress but, you know, I never rehearsed a kissing scene when I was married to you.

David: Lynn, I can't --

Lynn: Just -- David, just open your eyes, okay?

Dixie has been screwing falcon for months.

David: I knew it.

Lynn: I'm so sorry, but I do have an idea for some changes to the love scene that I think you might find interesting.

Rob: [ Clears throat ]

Lynn: Okay. Find me.

C-3PO: Greetings, master David.

I am C-3PO, Childrens Hospital's resident protocol droid and this is my counterpart, r2-d2.

Rob: And I'm Owen Skywalker, Jedi pediatrician.

What do you think, David?

This could be a really great thing for my character.

David: No, and that r2 unit looks like it has a bad motivator.

Rob: Oh, I guess we'll just have to go over his head.

Oh, I need slack on my blood tube.

Scene 40 on stage 3.

Ken: Careful, you.

I have ways of knowing if you do less than your best.

Dixie: Oh, my God, what are you doing?

You're putting splootches all over my face for my love scene.

Why would you do that?

David: It's new pages.

I don't know who wrote them, but from now on, Cat Black has this contagious virus and she's got to be in this plastic bubble.

Dixie: What? Why?

This is so confusing.

I don't understand it.

I didn't get these pages.

Lynn: Well, game set, almost match, advantage Lynn.

Check and checkmate.

Dixie: I still have one more ace up my sleeve.

First and 10, 35 yards to go.

Lynn: Game on.

Dixie: Oh, you game on.

Lynn: No, you game on.

It's game on, not gay mon.

Tomayto, tomahto.

Dixie: [ Gags, coughs ]

What is that?

David: The virus makes your character smell bad.

Dixie: Does that even show up on TV?

David: Yes and no.

Action!

Cat: Oh, it's only been nine and a half minutes, Dr. Ritchie.

You're early.

Glenn: I couldn't wait any longer for my appointment, Dr. Black.

My God, I want to kiss you so badly right now, but I'd rather not get your deadly virus.

Cat: I rather die than not be with you, Glenn.

David: No, no, no. No, no.

That's not in the script.

Lynn: Game off, Dixie.

Game off.

David: Jessica, I am so sorry.

I promise you, it will never--

Jessica: Stop happening?

I hope so, David.

This is exactly the kind of thing the networks want.

Keep it rolling!

It was a brilliant idea.

David: Thank you.

Cat: It's a miracle!

I'm cured!

Owen: Cat, I'm a Jedi knight, and my droids and I came here to cheer you up.

David: No, no, no, no.

I told him --

Jessica: I approved it.

The Sci-Fi kids will love it.

Glenn: Can we cut?

She smells like a dill weed omelet.

Lady Jane: Sorry.

I always forget that you colonies don't drive indoors.

It's our teeth that are the problem, really.

And the rain and tea time, Benny hill, the queen.

Jessica: Wait a minute.

That's not r2-d2.

Are you on dialysis?

Rob: I have to be tethered to that machine or I'll die.

So I guess my career here is over.

Dixie: Wait, Rob.

The machine is smashed to bits and you seem -- you seem fine.

Rob: But that doctor said that --

Dr. Bloomfield: I said that because I knew all you needed was the confidence to believe in yourself.

That's all you ever needed.

No machine on earth can deliver that.

Rob: Wait, I really don't understand.

Dr. Bloomfield: And that's the only thing that you all need.

Lynn, it's not about being the bigger star.

Everyone can have a good part in the great TV show we call life.

Lynn: I see that now.

Dr. Bloomfield: And, David, you definitely direct the elements on the set.

But in your own life, you've forgotten the foundation of a relationship is trust.

Jessica, beautiful Jessica.

You've been work, work, work so much, you've lost sight of what you're working for.

Call your mother.

Jessica: I will, I promise.

Rob: But seriously, what's going on?

Dr. Bloomfield: Cutter Spindell.

Cutter: Yeah, do me.

Dr. Bloomfield: Make the most of these last 10 days you have left on earth.

Cutter: Whoa. What?

Dr. Bloomfield: And, falcon, your thing is the crazy eyes and stuff.

Ken: You get it?

Dr. Bloomfield: Dixie Peters, you're doing great.

No notes.

Dixie: Oh, okay.

Thanks. Thank you.

Dr. Bloomfield: And you.

Yes, all of you.

Don't we all have secrets we keep behind the scenes?

Do your doctor know that camera's not rolling?

Rob: I don't know what the hell's going on.

[ Jazz music plays ]

Sal: Attention, staff.

My name is Bram Strunk and I play Sal Viscuso on "Childrens Hospital."

That is all.[/i]