05x07 - Old Fashioned Day

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Childrens Hospital Doctor, I need you to help me out.

Blake: Well, certainly. Which way did you come in?

[ Breathes deeply ]

What do I do for a headache?

Sy: Take this hammer, hit yourself in the head, then you'll have a headache.

Ga-zing.

Chief: Ma'am, calm down. You're hysterical.

No, it's my son. He swallowed a roll of film.

Chief: Well, let's hope nothing develops.

When I press my leg, it hurts.

When I press my chest, it hurts.

When I press my stomach, it hurts.

What's wrong with me?

Sy: So straightforward. You've got a sore finger.

Wah-wah-wahh.

Doctor, my nose runs and my feet smell.

Blake: Well, I'm afraid you may have been built upside down.

Haaaaaaaaaa-haa!

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Sal: Attention, staff.

The base commander talks without using his mouth for some reason.

You'll see what I mean.

Glenn: [ Sighs ]

Another boring day.

Chief: [ Yawns ]

Yeah.

Aah! Clown!

Blake: [ Scoffs ]

See that?

[ Chuckles ]

That never happens to me.

People love me all the time.

[ Chuckles ]

Must be something really, really scary behind me.

Aah! It's Sy and another guy!

Run!

Commander Tandy: [ Sighs ]

I do so hate seeing young children cry.

Sy: Yeah, I'm pretty okay with it.

Commander Tandy: You know, Sy, having your medical team here has been really great for the kids.

I...I just wish there was something more we could do for them.

Sy: We could have a theme day.

We did that a lot at childrens.

We had outside day, Thursday Doris day, day pride day, and Daniel day-Lewis day.

Commander Tandy: Ugh.

You know, please shush, shush, shush, shush.

Cool it with the themes, Sy.

Call me old-fashioned, but in my day, all you ever needed was one example of anything.

Sy: I think you just solved it.

Olde fashioned day.

We could do everything the way they used to back then.

Commander Tandy: Yes.

That's a great idea, Sy.

I'll start getting all the paperwork ready for cent-comm.

Sy: Paperwork?

That sounds like a lot of red tape.

Blake: I hate Sy's theme days.

Glenn: [ Grunts ] I miss my boxer briefs.

These long jonathans are itching my bell end.

Blake: Yeah.

Olde fashioned day's stupid.

Look, mom.

He's funny.

[ Laughs ]

Blake: What do you mean I'm funny?

It's just...You know.

Blake: No, I don't know.

You said it, okay?

How am I funny?

Like... like, I amuse you?

Chief: [ Elderly voice ]

Blake, you've got it all wrong.

Blake: No, no, no, no, olde fashioned chief.

He knows what he said.

He's a big boy.

What did you say? Huh?

How am I funny?

I'm just trying to understand this, 'cause, I don't know.

Maybe I'm a little [bleep] up, you know?

How am I funny?

Like, I'm a clown?

Oh! Oh! You like clowns!

[ Laughs ]

Blake: Wow.

Hey, thank you.

No, thank you.

Blake: Clowns were like rock stars back then.

Oh, olde fashioned day is great.

Sy: We will be seeing you all at the banquet and vespers concert?

Glenn: Hey, uh, are Jews allowed?

Sy: That's a very good question.

Glenn: Oh.

Sy: You know what we're serving?

We're serving barbecued shoat and sugar cane.

Chief: [ Normal voice ] Oh, my God!

I love shoat!

Blake: I'm gonna go purge.

Commander Tandy: Everyone's really embraced your idea, Sy.

Sy: I'm so proud.

Commander Tandy: The base has never been so...alive.

Sy: Should we carry on?

Commander Tandy: In a second.

[ Grunts ]

Okay, let's go.

Sy: Okay.

Well done, chief.

Chief: [ Panting ]

Blake: Hah. What? Hah!

[ Children laugh ]

Chief: Put him in there forever and ever and ever.

You're never gonna grow up.

Good luck, mister.

He's just a kid.

Glenn: Did you know that people used alcohol to stop coughs and to numb the pain of arranged marriages?

[ Indistinct talking ]

Aah!

Blake: [ Laughing ]

[ Laughter ]

Yeah? Yeah?

Sal: Hear ye, hear ye, staff.

Reminder... no smoking in your olde fashioned day costumes.

They are rentals, and it's really hard to get that smell out.

Return to your normal habits tomorrow.

That's tomorrow, when everything goes back to normal.

Beth: Okay, all right.

I'm going in town to get supplies.

Glenn: Oh, yeah?

What are you gonna buy?

Beth: I can't tell you that, Glenn.

Glenn: Why not?

Beth: Because I don't want to ruin the supplies.

Glenn: Still doing the olde fashioned thing, huh?

Chief: Sy, this kid's tissue is necrotic.

We need antibiotics and a thermal wrap.

Sy: I know, but all the modern medical equipment is still under lock and key.

Until we get it, we can use a hank of pig intestines.

Chief: What?!

Sy: We'll suck the infection out.

Glenn: Guys, guys, what's going on?

I thought olde fashioned day was over.

Sy: Well, it is, but, you know, the red tape is a little harder to undo.

Blake: So we have to make do with what we have, which means maggot therapy or amputation.

I'll go heat up an axe.

That's crazy.

Glenn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nobody's amputating anything.

Blake: Do you quarrel with me, sir?

Glenn: What?

Dori: Blake had a really good day yesterday.

So it's gone a little bit to his head.

Blake: Whoa!

Whoa!

You will regret that, Hebrew.

Sy: Glenn, please do me a favor.

Just go put on your Fiddler costume, all right?

Glenn: No.

Sy: I'm gonna go and check on the bureaucracy and keep moving it along.

Glenn: Great. You do that.

Chief: What am I supposed to do with this?

Glenn: Shove it up your ass.

Blake: You just can't move any part of your face.

Commander Tandy: It's more like I don't choose to move any part of my face.

Blake: Oh, oh, okay.

Glenn: There's commander Tandy.

He'll figure this out.

Blake: There he is.

As laid down by olde fashioned day directive, an employee shall not wear modern dress on olde fashioned day.

Commander Tandy: I'm sorry.

I had no choice.

Arrest this man!

Glenn: Why?

What are you... what?! What?

Commander Tandy: Well, rules are rules, my friend.

I had no choice but to invoke martial law.

Blake: Anyone else care to challenge me?

You know, because there's, uh, still room left in the menstrual hut.

[ Sniffs ]

Dori: You have to come quick.

Chief: Oh.

Dori: The kid with the rotten arm is in shock.

Glenn: Hey!

Sy: Oh, my goodness, the order hasn't gone through yet.

Blake: This kid's still alive?

Sy: Yeah.

Blake: Dori, go get me a turnkey, a candle, some cheesecloth, and a touch of cocaine.

Let's start chopping.

Chief: Blake, Blake, Blake.

Wait, wait, wait.

Listen to me.

Getting attention can be a very powerful thing, especially when you don't get it that often. It can make you feel great joy, and it can make you do crazy things like get a co-worker thrown into the stocks for no reason or chop off the arm of a small child with an axe that you pulled out of no...where did you hide that axe, by the way?

Blake: Uh, a holster in my bodkin.

Chief: Oh, my God. That's pretty good. [ Laughs ]

Blake: [ Sighs ]

You're right, chief. [ Sighs ]

You know what? I, uh...

I went a little bit too far with this.

Sy: Absolutely not.

Chief: Nah.

Blake: A little bit.

A little bit too far. Really.

I did things that you guys don't even know about, but you'll find out later what they are, and you might get hurt.

They're really bad, bad, far-out things.

They're... they're traps that I've set, and I can't unset them.

So...I apologize ahead of time.

Beth: Back with the supplies.

Chief: Thank God.

Modern medical equipment.

Pork buns? What?

Nurse Beth, where is the medical equipment we sent you out to get?

Beth: Supplies!

Blake: Okay.

Chief: Okay, that is pretty funny, but, damn it, what are we gonna do now?

Sy: Hmm.

Chief: I wish Glenn were here.

Glenn: I don't know.

I was more of a...bookworm more than anything, you know?

I didn't like the sports or anything like that.

I would just kind of, you know, escape in a book.

Chief: The old-fashioned way failed us, and the modern way is pork buns.

Sy: I have an idea.

There's only one thing to do...

The future way.

I'm going to write this letter to a doctor in the future, and I'm gonna tell him to come back here to today and bring with him medical supplies from the future to today in order to cure this kid.

Chief: [ Laughs ] Sounds like a plan.

Blake: It's so simple.

Sy: All right, nurse Beth, bury that in the ground.

And now...We wait.

Dr. Greenberg: Hello.

Sy: Dr. Greenberg?

Sy: Wow. That was fast.

Dr. Greenberg: This is our patient?

Sy: Yes, it is.

Dr. Greenberg: All right, just a moment.

Sy: Please take a look.

[ Device whirs ]

Dr. Greenberg: And let's have a look.

Get out of here.

Chief: Oh, my gosh! Thank you, future doctor.

Dr. Greenberg: Oh, well, I should thank you.

You know, the note you wrote is considered an important medical text and is on display at our museum of medicine and science.

It's an honor to meet the authors in person.

Sy: I wrote it.

Dr. Greenberg: Oh, well, very well done.

Yes.

Now, uh, the only problem is that you did set off a chain of events that created a dystopian apocalyptic future.

So some people have mixed feelings about you.

Chief: Understandable.

Dr. Greenberg: I really should go now, uh, before they find me.

Sy: Thanks for coming.

Chief: Oh, wait, wait, wait. One more thing.

Um, who's gonna be our next president?

Dr. Greenberg: Joe Biden.

Anything else? Or are we good?

Sy: Yes.

Oh, I'd like to know, what's the weather tomorrow?

Dr. Greenberg: Uh, partly sunny.

Rain along the coast in the early-morning hours.

All good?

Beth: I have a question.

I'm renting, so is it really necessary for me to own a lawn mower, or is that just...

Dr. Greenberg: Well, it depends how long your lease is and how often you mow.

Blake: What does that have to do with the future?

You have one question to ask.

Like, you could know anything you want in the world.

I could've told you that, that having a lawn mower... I would say no.

Beth: And then it's month-to-month after that.

Dr. Greenberg: Okay.

Chief: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I got another one.

[ Chuckles ]

Um, are we ever gonna let Glenn out of the stockades?

Dr. Greenberg: No.

Chief: No!

[ Laughs ]

Sy: Oh, I have one more.

Who is the next person asking you a question?

Dr. Greenberg: Uh, the crippled lady asked me if I'm single.

Chief: Are you single?

Dr. Greenberg: See?

Chief: I'm serious.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

No laughing.

No dancing with patient.

Romancing.

No parties caressing.

I find it distressing.

Collecting devices.

They're paying the prices of overconsumption with mental construction.

Sal: Attention, staff.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but in my day, we didn't have iPads.

We got by just fine with iPhones and laptops.