Chief: Hey, Chet.
Chet: Oh, hey, Chief.
Chief: You know, I've been meaning to ask you, what do you do in your spare time?
Chet: Oh, I like to build immersive Halloween mazes for the neighborhood kids.
Chief: Oh.
5.08 - Spoiler Alert: Owen Gets a Perm
Owen: You know, according to Omni Magazine, it's only a matter of time before they shrink us down to microscopic size and we can perform surgery from the inside.
Cat: Owen, wake up and smell the program.
Everything's already been invented.
Owen: Maybe you're right.
Cat: [ Gasps ] Oh, God! Your hair!
What the hell?
Chief: Oh, God.
When did that happen?
Owen: Oh, my new perm.
It's pretty powerful, right?
Cat: No, no, no.
You do not get to do that.
I mean, why would a man do such a thing to his hair?
Chief: I know. It's arrogant.
Cat: Thank you.
Blake: What are we talking about?
Cat: Owen's got a new look.
It's atrocious. Wait till you see it.
Chief: Spoiler alert... it's a perm.
Blake: Right, right, right.
Oh, because... Owen's spoiled.
Like, he's a spoiled brat, and that's why he got a perm.
[ Laughing ]
[ Sighs ]
Cat: You don't know what "spoiler alert" means, do you?
Blake: Of course I do. I know all the current expressions, and I know how to use them, and I can communicate just like you guys. Watch.
"Mm. That's too much information... on this."
Chief: God, I hate Owen.
Let's punish him.
Cat: I have an idea, but it involves a staggering commitment of time and resources far out of proportion to the problem at hand.
Chief: I'm in! What's the idea?
Cat: Weren't you telling me that Chet likes to design immersive Halloween mazes for neighborhood kids or something?
Chief: [ Gasps ]
Blake: Mm.
Hey, Glenn.
Glad I caught you.
Listen, I got this bilateral craniotomy this afternoon, and I'm like, "Don't go there."
Will you do it for me?
Glenn: That's a tough procedure, Blake.
Blake: Well, yeah, but not for you.
I mean, you're the best.
[ Both laugh ]
Glenn: Blake, I... I... I...
I can't lie anymore.
I'm not the best.
I'm not even the good.
Blake: Oh.
Oh, okay.
Uh, I'm... I'm... I'm listening to you.
You can tell that because I'm making eye contact with you and I'm nodding.
Glenn: Blake, I'm gonna tell you a secret.
And I know I can trust you because you're probably not listening to me.
I'm a terrible surgeon. That's the truth.
The real surgeon is Chilli, my pet mouse who lives underneath my yarmulke.
By pulling on my hair, he guides my hands.
Blake: Like the movie "Ratatouille"?
Glenn: That's right. Exactly like that.
Exactly like the movie "Ratatouille."
Blake: Glenn, that mouse is dead.
Glenn: What?
Oh, my God!
Chilli! No!
Blake: Spoiler alert?
Chief: This kid's in bad shape.
We're gonna need to do something... experimental.
Cat: Are you suggesting we try the prototype micro-miniaturization machine?
We're gonna need a doctor to be our micronaut.
Chief: And it can't be me because of the high levels of cocaine in my system.
Owen: Excuse me.
If I heard you correctly, we have a machine that can shrink a man down and insert him into the human body?
Chief: That's right.
Thanks to a grant from Omni Magazine.
Owen: Omni? They're the best.
Cat: With Omni, science fiction can become science fact.
I know this because I read it while on the toilet.
Chief: But we don't have a volunteer. Oh!
Owen: I know someone.
Both: Who?
Owen: He's 6'2" with the looks of a Greg Kinnear type, and his name is me...
Dr. Owen Maestro.
Dori: Oh, my God!
Your perm!
Oh, my God!
[ Glass shatters ]
Oh, my God!
[ Screaming, crashing ]
Hey! What are you doing?!
Dori: Get out of the car!
[ Car door slams, tires screech ]
[ Tires screech, crashing ]
[ Chicken clucks ]
Cat: Okay, I need to warn you.
This whole experience is gonna be very, very painful and very, very embarrassing.
Are you ready?
Owen: Yes, I am.
Cat: In order for us to shrink you down and inject you into this little boy, we're gonna need to sandpaper your skin.
Owen: Why?
Chief: Dead skin cells slow down the miniaturization process.
You read Omni, right?
Owen: Of course.
Aah! Such intense pain!
It's so embarrassing!
It's just as you described!
Chief: Next, you have to eat this entire stick of unsalted butter.
Owen: [ Groans, gags ]
All of it?
Chief: All of it!
Cat: This is so great!
Chief: I'm having such a good time with you right now.
Hey, are you on Google Plus?
Chet: Once he finishes the unsalted butter, we will send him on an immersive journey through the "human body."
Cat: Do you think he'll buy it?
Chet: I've been building haunted houses in my basement for neighborhood kids every Halloween for the past three years.
I think I've picked up a few tricks along the way.
Glenn: Chilli, you were... you were a good mouse and an even better surgeon.
Take care of yourself, little buddy.
[ Breathes deeply ]
Blake, is there anything you'd like to say?
Blake: That's what she said.
Glenn: I need to head back and write my letter of resignation, so...
Blake: I'm not gonna go with you.
I want to... I want to stay out here.
Glenn: Why?
Blake: I'm better off living in the woods, okay?
I just don't fit in up there.
[ Breathes deeply ]
I don't know.
I mean... What do you think?
Glenn: Oh.
That sounds about right.
I'll see you around.
Chet: In a few moments, we'll start the shrinking process.
Owen: Let's make history.
Chet: Step into the miniaturization pod.
Owen: Almost reminds me of a prop from an immersive Halloween maze.
Chet: Oh, are you into that sort of thing?
Chief: Chet, calm down!
Chet: Initiating miniaturization.
Mr. Winslow, you're on.
[ Imitates energy noises ]
Owen: Whoa. Whoa!
Uh-oh! Whoa! Whoa!
Something's happening!
I-I'm being shaken around a little bit.
Whoa!
I-I-I think I'm being shrunk down!
[ Electricity crackles ]
Aah!
That feels like a very painful electric shock!
Chet: Okay. The miniaturization process is now complete.
We are now injecting you into the patient's bloodstream.
Owen: Ohh!
Close the curtains!
Owen: Oh, my God.
It's breathtaking.
I have made my way to the carotid artery.
[ Imitating heart b*ating ]
Owen: I can actually hear the b*ating of the human heart.
I need to figure out what I'm gonna wear to the Nobel Prize ceremony.
Chief: [ Laughs ]
Oh! I can't remember the last time I had this much fun.
You're really special.
Cat: This is fun, yeah.
Chief: Yeah.
Chet: Okay, my readings indicate that you're in a pure-air environment.
Owen, you can take off your helmet if you want to.
Owen: [ Breathes deeply ]
This is exactly what I always imagined the inside of a young boy would smell like.
Chief: Heads up, Owen.
The patient just took a sip of scalding hot tea.
Now!
Owen: [ Screams ]
My perm!
And my flesh!
Why would the patient be drinking tea right now?!
Chet: [ Hisses ]
Owen: [ Screams ]
Chief: Chet!
Cat: Uh, what's he doing?
Owen: The patient has Draculas!
I am terrified right now!
Abort the procedure!
Code red!
Code red!
[ Shouts, body thuds ]
Cat: Oh, dear.
Chief: Oh, God. Oh, no. Uh-oh.
Cat: Okay. Just... Okay.
Owen!
Chief: Oh, God. He's in stage-four cardiac arrest.
He needs to go to surgery, now!
Prep the O.R.!
Owen: I want...Glenn.
He's the best.
[ Echoing ] Glenn's the best.
Glenn: "I, Dr. Glenn Richie, hereby resign due to the fact that I have no ability to perform surgery."
Cat: Glenn, there's an emergency!
Chief will explain!
Chief: Owen's had a heart att*ck!
He's requested you!
Glenn: No, I won't do it.
I can't do it.
Blake: Yes, you can.
I was in the woods, and it all became clear to me.
Your mouse has been dead for weeks. Look.
Glenn: You're right.
Chilli has been dead for weeks.
Blake: I wrote it down.
Glenn: You wrote it down.
I've been performing so many surgeries, I...
I must've forgotten to feed him.
Wait. That means... that I performed all those surgeries... by myself.
Chief: Exactly.
Those skills were always in you.
You just need to learn to do it without the mouse.
Glenn: Let's scrub up.
[ Monitors beeping ]
Glenn: And we're closed.
[ Applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
Chief: You did it again, Glenn.
You are still very much our best surgeon.
Glenn: Well, this time, I had a little help.
Ah-ah!
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
[Laughs]
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah...Ah.
Not from my dead mouse... but from a very live human being.
Blake, I'm proud to call you my friend.
Chief: And I have really enjoyed this day that you and I have had together, Cat.
Cat: I feel like you're pushing it just a tiny bit now.
Chief: Fair enough.
Owen: And I owe you all an apology.
It was wrong of me to get a new hairstyle.
Cat: Yeah.
Owen: And I totally understand how it was necessary for you guys to go to the lengths you did to show that to me.
Anything less than a totally immersive human body experience, I probably wouldn't have gotten the message.
Chet: Look, I've been making these things since 2010, so I think I have some idea of what I'm doing.
[ Laughter ]
Glenn: Blake, you want to join us at the noodle house tonight?
Blake: Spoiler alert... I'll be there.
[ Laughter ]
Glenn: What a perfect phrase for the situation.
Blake: Spoiler alert...
I'll be there.
[ Breathes deeply ]
I'll be there.
Glenn: Hmm?
Blake: I'll be there.
Glenn: What?
Blake: I'll be there.
I have to get out of this one thing.
If I can't, I will still try and make an appearance.
[ Imitates static ] And now the news.
[ Imitates static ]
Big light in sky... [ Imitates static ]
Scalding hot water on young... [ Imitates static ]
And now a commercial.
Mm-mmm.
Oh, yeah, baby. It's all about lo...
05x08 - Spoiler Alert: Owen Gets a Perm
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A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.
A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.