05x09 - Wine Tasting

[bunniefuu]

Tripper: If there's one thing soldiers hate, it's private contractors, especially ones that are bespectacled, naturally large breasted, or Jewish.

But as long as you are on this base, you will conduct yourselves in a manner that is befitting the U.S. m*llitary.

Sy: Listen up, everybody.

Levon Bainter is coming here to review our clinic.

Owen: Who's Levon Bainter?

Dori: Only the m*llitary's biggest medical critic.

One good review from him in Army Base Monthly and we will be flown to the White House... business class!

Glenn: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look at that.

Who's a couple of businessmen flying business class?

Dori: Excuse me?

If Bainter trashes us, we will be shut down and flown home... coach class.

Middle seats.

Owen: Ah.

Middle seats, surrounded by people.

Glenn: [ Chuckles ]

5.09 - Wine Tasting

Chief: Ah-ha!

My copy of Wine Lover Magazine.

Thank you.

Valerie: Oh, my God.

When you're done with that, can I see it?

I'm so curious about the new rieslings from Harbor Vineyards.

Chief: How about those pinot gris?

Valerie: [ Sighs ]

Sy: What are you talking about?

Chief: If you must know, Sy, Valerie and I have taken an interest in fine wines, and we're really kind of heavily into it.

You making fun of it like this hurts our feelings.

Valerie: Your tone when you said, "What are you guys talking about?" really makes us feel like you don't take our non-work interests seriously.

Sy: All right. I hear you. You've made a point.

How about if we have a wine tasting right here on the base?

Chief: Okay, this is exactly what we were talking about.

You offer us a wine tasting, and yet literally no mention of who's gonna pay for it.

Valerie: I don't think this is fixable.

Sy: You girls set it up, and I am gonna pay for it.

Chief: Okay.

I guess I'm finally starting to feel heard.

Owen: I'll see you man. I got the rest of the day off.

Glenn: Oh, hey, Owen.

Uh, I was thinking about going to play some golf with my girlfriend's dad today.

Can you cover for me?

Owen: Oh, I'd love to, but you're a plastic surgeon and I'm a cardiologist.

We could get in big trouble.

Glenn: Yeah. You're right.

I suppose I could just reschedule, you know?

[ Chuckles ]

Not worth the hassle.

Unless...

We have a 3-D printer here for burn victims that generates a silicon veneer that looks exactly like skin.

Owen: Like what?

Glenn: Like skin.

Now, what if we just make a few adjustments to it?

We can graft one person's face onto another person's face.

Owen: Great idea.

Then I can finally get the face of Tilda Swinton.

Glenn: That's right.

But I'm saying today, you could look exactly like me.

Owen: Oh. Okay.

Glenn: But you'd have to act exactly like me to fool everyone.

Owen: I don't see any big issues with this at all.

Let's do it.

Glenn: [ Chuckling ] Okay. Great!

And at this point, you should start to feel a little drowsy.

Owen: Glenn, I just want to double check in case I get stuck looking like you.

It's pretty fun to be Jewish, right?

Glenn: No. We hate ourselves.

Let's see our work.

Take a look.

[ Chuckles ]

Amazing, right?

Owen: Wow. Amazing.

Glenn: And this vocoder box will process your voice to match my pitch.

Talk.

Owen: Testing. [ Clears throat ]

Testing. [ Feedback ]

[ Echoing ] Testing. [ Glenn's voice ] Testing.

Owen: I'm Dr. Glenn Richie. I'm Jewish, and...

That's the main thing about me.

Glenn: All right, buddy. Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.

And now off to hit the links.

Owen: Okay.

Sal: Attention, staff. I don't have a drinking problem.

I drink. I fall down.

Scratch that. I'm an alcoholic.

That is all.

Valerie: [ Sighs ]

Hey, Glenn.

Glenn?

Owen: Oh, hi. Yeah. That's me. I'm Glenn.

[ Chuckles ]

Valerie: Get ready to sample some hot varietals tonight!

Chief: Oh. [ Laughs ]

Get me tipsy enough, I might start giving out a different kind of sample.

[ Chuckles ]

Too soon?

Valerie: Just slightly unclear.

Chief: Oh, Glenn. Glenn.

Owen: Yeah.

Chief: Uh, what kind of cheese would you like tonight at the wine tasting?

Owen: Uh...You're asking me... you're asking me, Glenn, what kind of cheese that I would like...

Glenn would like... I would like, Glenn?

Chief: Yes.

Owen: Sharp cheddar.

Chief: You got it, buddy.

Owen: Yep.

[ Sighs ]

Pick up.

Glenn: What do you want? I'm in the middle of playing golf!

Owen: Glenn, Chief just asked me what your favorite cheese was, and I-I choked, buddy.

I told her what my favorite cheese was.

I told her sharp cheddar.

Glenn: I like mild cheddar, you idiot!

You're gonna get us caught.

Oh!

Chief: Thank you all for coming to... [ Siren wails ]

Childrens Hos-bottles of Wine celebration.

[ Tires screech ]

Val and I have worked very hard on this event.

We're really...

I have an eight year old with a third-stage intestinal atresia.

Who's on call and qualified to perform an emergency laparostomy?

Sy: Well, aside from Owen, who's not here, the only people qualified to do something that delicate are Chief and Dr. Flame.

Valerie: Oh!

Chief: Well, well, well.

I guess this worked out pretty perfectly for your little agenda, didn't it, Sy?

Valerie: Yeah, Sy. What'll it take for you to take our momentary interest in wine seriously?

Chief: What'll it take?! What will it take?

Valerie: What?

Chief: What?

Valerie: [ Spits ]

Sy: Okay, I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna move the bottles into the O.R.

We're gonna have the wine tasting during the operation.

Valerie: Wow.

Chief: A day late, and a dollar short.

Valerie: That was difficult.

Dori: I completely understand what you're talking about now.

Chief: Right? I mean, like...

Dori: It is disgusting.

Valerie: And she's out. Very good.

Scalpel number 23, please.

Chief: Number 23. It was a very good year.

All right. Dr. Flame is making the incision, and at this point, I think we can open the Sancerre.

Owen: You know, this wine would go great with my favorite cheese, sharp cheddar.

Mi... mild cheddar. Mild cheddar.

Excuse me.

Nurse, is this the pediatric clinic?

Dori: Levon Bainter.

Uh, w-we weren't expecting you until tomorrow.

Nurse apparently doesn't know how to use a calendar.

Hate her voice. Hate her haircut. Hate her shirt.

Dori: No, no. No. No. No, no, no, sir!

Chief: [ Laughs ]

Valerie: Mm. [ Clamps clatter ] Whoops!

Okay, so, this is from Australia.

G'day, mate.

Valerie: Hey, we should get some tunes going.

Chief: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Glenn, sing one of your old-timey sing-along songs.

Oh! "Camptown Races"!

Owen: How about some other time?

[ All jeer ] Just sing the first line, Glenn.

Valerie: Yeah.

Chief: Please?

[ All chanting] Camptown! Camptown!

Owen: Okay, yeah, sure. [ Chuckles ]

Just give me one second.

[ Chanting continues ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Glenn: What is it, Owen?

I'm having a schvitz with my lady's old man.

Owen: They want me to sing the first line to "Camptown Races," and I don't know the words.

Glenn: Okay.

♪ The Camptown ladies sing this song ♪
♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

Owen: Well, how am I supposed to remember that?

Glenn: Okay, okay, don't panic.

Just open your mouth and mime singing and put the phone on speaker and hold it nonchalantly near your head.

Owen: Great idea.

Okay. Here goes.

Uh...

Glenn: Okay, count it off.

Owen: 1, 2, 3, go.

Glenn: ♪ The Camptown ladies sing this song ♪
♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

Chief: Aah!

Yeah!

Chief: Yeah, doo-dah! Doo-dah!

Owen: It worked!

Glenn: Yes! Okay.

Just don't blow our cover, all right?

I'm having the perfect day.

Owen: Continue having a great day.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Glenn: I really am. It's just... it's been a wonderful day.

Chief: ♪ The Camptown ladies sing this song ♪

Valerie: Oh, guys. Guys, guys, guys.

We've been injecting the patient with red wine instead of blood.

No wonder I can't get a buzz on.

Loud voices coming from the O.R.?

Dori: No, no, no, no! No, no! Wait.

Um, um, before, um, you go in there maybe we should, uh... get to know each other better.

Shameless attempt to distract this reviewer.

Futile.

Dori: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Revise that.

This reviewer is slightly distracted now, somewhat interested, thinking of his wife.

Are there moral consequences for our actions?

Is monogamy even natural, fertility outdated?

Thinking of... hearing mother's voice.

Losing erection.

Dori: Oh, no, no, no.

Not worth it. Into the O.R.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

What is going on here?

Dori: I'm so sorry.

I did everything I could to stop him, even the "boob out of the scrubs" routine.

Do I smell a 1991 Sempia Bordeaux?

Sy: No.

Are you doing a wine tasting in the middle of an operation?

Sy: It's my fault, sir.

Valerie: Oh, finally, you admit it. Was that so hard?

This is fantastic.

Sy: What?

Wine loosens the senses.

It releases the inhibitions.

I do my best writing when I'm wasted.

I'm drunk right now.

Sempia me, please?

Sy: Yes.

Valerie: Ohh...

Valerie: We nicked her vesica. [ Heart monitor beeps rapidly ]

Chief: [ Groans ] Stop the blood!

Valerie: I don't want to do this anymore.

Valerie: Let's play light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Owen: All you have to do is clamp it.

Sy: A show of hands...

Does anybody know what they're doing here?

Well, I'm sure there's somebody who can do the operation.

Sy: Well, there is one doctor, Dr. Owen Maestro, but he's on a day off.

Glenn: I'll do it.

Sy: No, Glenn. You can't do it.

You're a plastic surgeon. Now wait a minute.

I'm gonna call Owen on his phone.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

What is that? [ Ringing continues ]

Owen: It's Owen's phone, a.k.a. my phone because, you see...

[ Grunts ]

I'm Dr. Owen Maestro.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Normal voice ] I am Dr. Owen Maestro, certified in "laparostomy" and in an enormous amount of pain in my face area right now.

Sy: You changed places with Glenn in order to do an unauthorized shift switch?

Owen: I had to. Glenn needed this day off for a reason that I can't remember right now.

I'll face the consequences later but right now, a child is suffering.

Clamp! I need a clamp!

Dori: Clamp!

Owen: A clamp.

Dori: Okay, okay, I'm getting it.

Sy: Is that it?

[ Heart monitor flatlining ]

Owen: Done.

[ Heart monitor beeping ]

Cheese and cr*cker. Cheese and cr*cker!

Dori: Okay, here.

Sal: Attention, staff.

This might be the wine talking, but I love living in a bottle until I get poured. That is all.

Sy: Yes, yes, Owen. You did save that girl's life.

But you did pose as another physician. That is a felony.

Glenn: Hey. What's going on, guys?

Owen: You missed a lot, buddy, but long story short, looks like we're both going to jail.

Glenn: Ah, figures.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Sal: Attention, staff.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

All I had was ti mar-two-nis.