01x18 - The Mystery of the Sunken Sailor

[bunniefuu]

That is a delightful array of food and beverage.

Must be some party.

Mind your business, lady. Add this too.

Let me help you with that.

Yo! What the hell you doing?

Huh, funny. You don't look like a Laura Diamond.

Does he look like a Laura Diamond?

No.

Well, you know who does look like a Detective Laura Diamond?

This guy.

That's just a waste of affordable Chardonnay.

Damn! How'd you find me anyway, man?

Well, genius.

First tip-off was the substantial purchase made on my debit card at XXX Video World.

You do know they invented the internet, right?

So then I figured your next stop would be to load up on cheap booze, and you did not disappoint, fake Laura Diamond.

Bad luck, stealing a cop's wallet. Take him away, guys.

Oh, it's your birthday this week!

Happy birth...

Finish that sentence and I'm gonna drag your ass in, too.

I paid for the donuts, right?

Donut?

Donut?

It looks stale.

That's why they were half off.

Petty officer, second class.

Greg Hampson, sh*t point blank in the chest more or less 12 hours ago.

Tugboat captain pulled his body out of the East River.

Probably in town for Fleet Week, there are thousands of sailors here on shore leave.

Is that...

Mustard?

Floral residue.

Remnants found in the wound also.

Possibly a boutonniere.

Wouldn't expect to see that after twelve hours in the drink.

Probably lilies. Stained the crap out of my prom dress.

We'll screen for prints and DNA but river contaminants gonna make a finding pretty unlikely.

Do we know the name of his ship?

Fortunately seamen favor waterproof wallets.

ID puts him on the USS Sherwood.

Aircraft carrier, Nimitz Class.

USS Sherwood, docked on Pier 92.

Got a sec?

Really, on my break?

Oh, sorry!

When are you back?

(SLURPING)

Back, may I help you?

Yes.

I made a birthday list of everyone in the precinct...

You really didn't need to do that.

I know, it's just something I always did back in Wisconsin...

I mean, because I do that. It's my thang.

Then you know it's Laura's birthday tomorrow.

I'm assuming we're doing a party.

For Laura?

Yeah, that would be a no.

Oh, well, if no one else is on it, I'm happy to plan the whole thing.

Uh-h...

Well then you must let me help!

You know, I know Laura better than the soundtrack to Wicked.

Wow! Ha, that'd be awesome.

Okay, whatever you do, just make sure that it's a surprise.

Really? I wouldn't have pegged Laura for the "surprise party" type.

I know, right? The woman is a bundle of contradictions.

There is nothing she loves more than walking into a dark room and having a mob of well-wishers jump out at her, shouting, "Happy birthday!"

It would be a huge challenge to surprise the best detective on the force.

I gotta start planning!

Thanks, Max!

(CHUCKLING)

(SLURPING)

Seasick already? You do realize the ship isn't moving?

I've got a finely tuned stomach sensitivity.

Okay, I'll just slide out of your barf radius.

Oh, look. Our m*llitary escort.

Busting out that NYPD respect.

Why am I not getting that vibe?

Special Agent Barrington, NCIS, this is Lieutenant Commander Simmons, the captain's XO.

Detective Diamond, Soto, NYPD Homicide.

We understand you've been inquiring about Petty Officer Hampson?

Not inquiring, we're conducting a m*rder investigation.

You'd need approval from Captain Meeks and he's on a call with Naval Intelligence.

We'll be happy to wait.

He has a dedication ceremony on board today.

Let's just say the captain's an extremely busy man.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

(LAURA CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, detective, are you all right? You look a little green.

Uh, I just need a minute with my partner.

We're being dock blocked.

Big time.

By a pencil pusher with a pencil skirt.

She probably keeps her g*n on her desk next to her paperclips.

Okay, this is the plan.

I'm gonna say I need a bathroom because I'm about to blow chunks.

You are about to blow chunks.

Making it a good plan.

You distract her long enough for me to find Hampson's cabin.

How am I supposed to do that?

She's a woman, you're Billy Soto, do I have to spell it out?

(BELCHING)

The head's a deck below.

Hola.

Seriously?

(GASPING) Oof... hello! Oof.

Greg Hampson's cabin?

Down the hall to your right, ma'am.

As you were.

Free drinks?

Oh!

(GAGGING)

Hi!

Perfect timing!

Now you came to take me to your captain.

Okay.

I could take it from here.

Less chit-chat next time, huh?

Stand down.

Well, as you can see, Detective, it's not a good time.

Sir, this is an urgent matter.

I just found these bloody rags in Petty Officer Hampson's foot locker.

That area is under seal.

Was. I've worked my fair share of Maritime crimes.

NYPD has the right to search a victim's cabin.

Petty Officer Hampson's tragic death is a Navy matter and I can assure you the Navy is conducting its own, very thorough investigation.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Oh!

I see the mayor's wife and some other really fancy people are waiting for you to cut the ribbon.

So do we have your cooperation or not?

I'm going to need to speak with your superior.

My captain is Jake Broderick.

Second Precinct. Hit one for his cell, two for his office.

And I will need to speak to your sailors.

Well, I've got 6,000 of them currently spread out all over the city and we ship out in 72 hours.

Then I better get started.

Reynaldo says the bloody rags tested negative for our victim or any human victim, for that matter.

So what was it?

Shark blood.

So unless our victim has a taste for funky sushi...

He's smuggling shark fin.

Shark fin's illegal now?

Oh, it's big money.

Yeah, the boys just did a "save the sea life" project at their uber eco-conscious school.

Maybe someday they'll even learn how to spell.

Shark fin is a precious aphrodisiac in Asia.

So I'm told.

Note to self for my next vacation.

Our aircraft carrier did just get in from the Indian Ocean.

Well, if he was smuggling, he'd definitely would need an accomplice.

And a falling out with said accomplice could spell motive.

I wonder how far up the chain it could go, because it seemed like Captain Meeks was not saying everything he knew.

That would be quite impressive, because he was sure saying a lot when he called to read me the riot act.

He told me to reign in my female detective.

Aw, he referred to me by my gender?

Well, that is just the sweetest!

They are pursuing their own investigation.

Wait a minute, the protocol is clear.

We're sharing jurisdiction with the Navy on this, right?

A point I made quite clear with the captain.

If only we knew where a bunch of sailors would hang out during Fleet Week...

Oh, what do you know!

Got it in Hampson's room.

The Landmark Bar, half price during Fleet Week.

Ladies drink free!

Well, I will send the other ladies.

You and Billy dig into Hampson.

Profile, family history... Anything that could be helpful.

When do I get to be boss?

Ha!

At ease, sailor. Recognize this man?

Bunked two doors down from him.

Sad what happened. Good sailor.

Was he into anything not good?

No. Guy was a high and tight.

Wilbur, his bunk mate, was always bitching about him being a Boy Scout.

Where can we find Wilbur?

He's making a supply run in Chinatown.

What kind of supply run would a sailor be making in Chinatown?

It's kind of dirty, ma'am.

I'm a homicide detective!

Try me.

Okay, so...

There's this Chinese supplement... Tiger penis powder.

What kind of powder?

I think he said tiger penis.

It's like herbal Viagra. I hear one hit and you can go for hours.

We don't want you to go for hours.

Go where?

Keep taking notes.

So where would he be in Chinatown to get this substance?

I think he said Mott and Canal.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sounds like a place that would buy and sell shark fin.

So is Tony whipping up a big foodie dinner to celebrate your big...

Day that we're not talking about?

Yep. Just hoping that my stomach is off the boat by then.

It better be. It's not every day that you turn...

Hey, don't even!

Excuse me.

Hi, do you have anything for seasickness?

You got a problem? I got the cure.

One teaspoon, three times a day, boom, you're all good.

Thank you.

How about, um...

Husband troubles?

Tiger penis.

For realz. This will make him a new man overnight.

Yeah, um, we tried tiger penis, it wasn't strong enough.

He really needs a lot of help in that... area, so...

Excuse me?

Nothing to be embarrassed about, honey.

It's just because you wear those tighty whities.

Do you sell anything... more powerful?

Like maybe... shark fin?

Whoa lady, shark fin's illegal.

I don't mess with that stuff.

You sure?

Right back here.

Wilbur.

Hey!

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, go! Go.

Watch out! Excuse me, excuse me!

Hey, NYPD! Stop!

(HONKING HORN)

I said stop!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Freeze, don't move. Don't move!

Dude, can you not see I got the drop on you?

Freeze, sailor!

NCIS.

Looks like she's got the drop on you.

As I just told you, my dear woman, because he is a homicide suspect.

Petty Officer Roan Wilbur.

I need a full FBI and DOD screen.

Wilbur, like the pig.

No, Charlotte is the spider.

Well, my superior is not...

Give me the phone.

Hi, this is Detective Laura Diamond, 2nd Precinct, NYPD.

Here I am, being superior.

We need everything that you have on Wilbur. We need it yesterday.

My hero.

For Laura's birthday, I'm thinking color scheme.

Silver? You know, for balloons and streamers?

Word to the wise. Pink, nothing but pink!

Pink, Laura? Come on.

Once a year, she just lets that girly freak flag fly. Yeah!

And you're gonna do it at her house, right?

Actually, I was thinking about a bar. I doubt she wants to be ambushed at her house.

No-no-no-no, she absolutely would.

Oh, yeah, just call her babysitter and let her know.

Okay, if you say so.

Oh, I say so!

Victory?

Oh, yeah.

Billy is gonna lose his mind.

You knew Wilbur was smuggling?

Yeah, I did.

When were you planning on telling me that my m*rder victim was part of your ongoing investigation?

You've been working on this case a day, Detective.

My NCIS team has been on it for six months.

Look, don't go pulling Navy rank on me, all right?

FYI, NCIS isn't part of the Navy.

I'm a federal agent assigned to this case.

And I'm a New York City detective assigned to this case.

Well, as far as my investigation is concerned you are on a need-to-know basis.

And I need to know, what the hell is going on here?

Petty Officer Hampson was helping me collect intel on Wilbur's smuggling operation.

That's what the bloody rags in his foot locker were all about.

I don't believe this.

Wilbur probably figured it out, that's why he took out Hampson.

No, I'm sure his cover wasn't blown.

Wilbur had no idea.

Yeah, and I'm sure you wanna think that, otherwise this is on you.

It's already on me. The fact that this m*rder happened in your city doesn't make this any less my case.

Here's what's gonna happen.

You two are gonna work this case together.

Captain...

Starting now.

You two are gonna keep each other in the loop.

Understood?

Your suspect is waiting.

Hampson was clean as they come, wouldn't even cheat on his girlfriend.

Who he never even met.

I told him to dump her, the chick didn't even send him naked selfies.

Tell us more about the girlfriend.

One of those online things. Been going on... past eight months, maybe.

Saw a picture once. Hot blonde. Not naked.

Yeah, you mentioned that.

He said he was finally gonna meet her. F2F.

Face-to-face.

I know what that means.

Just checking.

Meet her when?

Last night.

You know, there was floral residue on the b*llet wound.

I bet you he just brought her flowers.

We need to find this Miss F2F.

Talked to Hampson's family back in Iowa, local PD, his boot camp instructor...

Nothing unusual. And Reynaldo came up zeros on DNA and print screens.

Have you been listening to me?

Yes.

You have no helpful information whatsoever.

You're listening.

Dr. Chinatown's herbs make me more seasick than that stupid boat.

It's an aircraft carrier.

It's still stupid.

Anything from Wilbur?

Alibied out. Said Hampson had an online girlfriend.

This special agent here is gonna pull his e-mails.

Unless that's on a need-to-know basis, too?

Be nice or I'll start reading your e-mails for suspicious activity.

Made your point.

Her name's Nancy.

No last name. Looks like she's in her twenties, great body.

Working the cleavage.

Okay, now we know her cup size, what about where she lives?

Does she mention a borough?

Mm-mm. Too busy writing pseudo-romantic mush.

"I walked home past the stately elm trees in the park waiting for them to bloom like our love."

This is a waste of time.

I need to report back.

Oh, not alone, you're not.

Your report is now our report.

Seriously?

Let's see if the NYPD can outsmart the US Navy.

"Taking inside of me the scent of burning sandalwood in the air."

Oh! I love sandalwood.

Every summer, back in Eau Claire, my mom took me to this hippie renaissance fair where all you could smell were sandalwood incense...

And pot.

"Need you here to inject me with warmth."

Someone's been reading a lot of cheap erotica from the dollar store.

Not that you would know where to get cheap erotica.

I'm working here.

Continue.

"I have the most amazing Ukrainian diner next door.

"Can't wait to take you for pierogis."

Now I like this chick.

I assume she's going somewhere with this.

Triangulating.

She calls it her Laura GPS.

Stately elm trees?

Dutch elm disease k*lled almost all the elms in New York during the '70s.

The only place that still has them is Tompkins Square Park, East Village.

And Ukrainian diner? Veselka, best pierogis in New York, putting Nancy right here.

She's good.

Word.

Mmm.

These pierogis are delish.

Fried dough balls rarely suck.

"N. Santamaria. 1C."

That could be Nancy.

Broken.

1A.

1B.

Wow.

New York landlords spare no expense.

1C.

Excuse me, laundry coming through. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, uh, is this Nancy's apartment?

You guys friends of hers?

Friends of friends. And you are?

Dwayne. Uh, neighbor. 1D.

You know, I bet she's on her computer wearing her headphones.

Last week, I dropped off her mail.

I knocked for 10 minutes before she answered.

Was she home last night?

Well, Nancy hardly ever leaves her apartment.

Well, except when her cable goes out, then she's on my couch watching her shows.

Hm!

Nancy Santamaria, NYPD.

Yes?

Hi, is Nancy here?

That's me.

You're... Nancy Santamaria?

Is there a problem?

Uh, do you know this woman?

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

How about Greg Hampson?

No.

Okay, we're asking, Nancy, because we are concerned you may be the victim of identity theft.

A lot of that going around lately.

You know, it just happened to a detective in our precinct, so...

You must have the wrong apartment.

It smells like... the renaissance fair.

Burning sandalwood incense, Nancy?

So?

So you are Greg's girlfriend.

I'm guessing that's a yes.

Thank you, tae kwon do.

Excuse me?

Step away from the computer. Stop typing, Nancy.

No!

Erasing your hard drive? I don't think so, Nancy.

It's private, don't touch it.

Which is why we'll be obtaining a search warrant.

And an arrest warrant.

Destroying evidence. Obstruction.

You're coming with us.

It's always the quiet ones.

She doesn't seem like much of a femme fatale.

Did you run the numbers in her phone?

Any calls or texts to her boyfriend, Greg Hampson?

Yes, but he's not the only one.

Nancy has another boyfriend?

Um, try plural.

Wow!

Okay, now I'm not just seasick, I'm hallucinating.

They all claim to be Nancy's boyfriend.

Which means...

Nancy's a slut.

No!

They are all suspects.

How many are we talking about?

Seven.

Excuse me? Seven boyfriends?

What are you, Snow White?

Actually, they're not all my boyfriends.

Two are my fiances.

Wow. How the hell does that work?

We... send texts and e-mails.

Except for Zeke. Because he's in prison, he's not allowed to get e-mails and texts so I send him actual letters.

I spray mine with perfume.

I don't wanna know what he sprays on his.

And your Girls Gone Wild profile picture.

When I go online as myself, I get rejected.

When I go online like that, men talk to me.

Okay, see, that's where I'm confused.

If you don't want to be seen then why plan a date with Greg Hampson?

That wasn't my idea. He found out that I lived in New York and he wanted to meet with me when he was here.

He was such a sweet guy.

I thought I would finally stop hiding and give it a try.

We caught you trying to erase your hard drive on your computer. Why?

I panicked. I thought I was me kind of trouble.

Oh, I get it.

You were receiving gifts?

I'm gonna guess... money.

From these men of yours.

I didn't ask them for it.

How much did you never ask for from Greg Hampson?

Three thousand.

I was behind on my rent. But he said it was no problem.

Nancy, where were you last night?

I was waiting for Greg at the coffee shop.

For five hours, he never showed up.

I figured he saw me through the window and saw what I really looked like and didn't like it, so he left.

Thank you.

Okay. Manager and waitress both confirm Nancy was waiting at the coffee shop until 2:00 a.m., ate three pieces of pecan pie.

Yum.

Saddest alibi ever.

She's a sad woman.

Most catfishers are.

Cat-what?

Catfishing.

Creating a fake identity and then using social media to find romance.

That's a thing?

Huge thing.

And these sad sacks fell for it.

Their alibis check out, I told them they're free to go home.

They're still just there.

I'm sure this is embarrassing for all of you, being swordfished.

No sword. Cat.

Cat... cat?

I gotta ask.

Each one of you had a dirty flirty... online with a woman you've never met, but now it's obvious that your relationship wasn't exactly monogamous, and yet you're still here.

Explain.

I love her.

I'm waiting for these two to leave.

(SIGHING)

Dismissed.

(SCOFFING)

Laura. Come on!

You should have told me you found Hampson's girlfriend.

I need to keep Jennifer apprised of any development in the case.

So now it's Jennifer.

Whatever.

Anyway.

The catfish alibied up. We have to throw her back.

So now, we have to check out all the other boyfriends.

It's gonna be a long night.

For me, yeah, but aren't you and Tony celebrating that yearly event that we're not talking about?

I should stay.

(CHUCKLING) Hell no.

Uh-uh. Come on. Because when it's my yearly event, you better be sending me home.

Let's go. Come on.

Okay.

Keep me posted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go.

Thank you so much for your time. No, you've been really, really helpful.

Yeah. Okay, bye.

Go, Frankie, go, Frankie, go, go, go Frankie.

New lead.

Zeke Selkey, Nancy's convict boyfriend.

I thought he was in jail.

Was, until three weeks ago.

Released to a halfway house in Queens.

Zeke and Nancy used to send snail mail letters to each other which means he knows Nancy's address.

Could have been stalking her, intercepted Hampson, lured him down to the river and then sh*t him.

That's a lot to assume, but it is the best lead in front of us.

Maybe he'll show up at catfish Nancy's.

Billy, you go stake it out.

I can go too, with... Billy.

No, you and Frankie hit the halfway house.

If he doesn't show up, see if you can get some intel.

I could ask Agent Barrington to help me stake out Nancy's apartment.

That's a good idea, Soto.

You keep her involved, you keep the Navy off my ass. I'll get her number for you.

Oh, it's okay, I got it.

So now I have to tell Captain Meeks that I'm on a stakeout for a suspect I didn't know existed until an hour ago.

Thanks a lot.

Okay.

How many times do I have to apologize for my partner not keeping us in the loop?

Us?

Right. Like you didn't know.

I swear. Listen, we're talking about Laura Diamond here.

I can't stop her when she goes rogue.

Well, that gives me a lot of confidence in you as my wing man.

Oh, now I'm your wing man?

Mm-hmm.

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

Oh, it's Meredith.

Meredith, what's up?

Zeke signed out of his halfway house hours ago and isn't answering his phone.

He might be coming for Nancy.

Okay, Roger that. Thanks.

I, uh... just want to say that I'm really sorry about Hampson.

It sounds like he was a really good dude.

Yeah, he was.

Crazy thing is that he survived three tours of duty only to lose his life in some misguided long-distance relationship.

Hm. That's why I keep my romances short distance.

Yeah. I guess you don't really know someone till you've sat in a cold car with a busted radio.

And an unlimited supply of tuna.

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

It's Meredith again.

Meredith, what's up?

We have a description of Zeke. Male, white, 32, 6'3, 240. Curly, dark...

Yeah, I pulled his mug sh*t hours ago, we're good.

Okay? Thanks.

She's checking up on you. On us.

Detective Bose? Nah.

She's professional. Listen, we're just tight like that, you know? Friendship tight.

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

Your pants are buzzing.

Do you want me to get that?

Oh, Meredith. Seriously?

Oh! It's Laura.

Hey, aren't you on some hot date?

Not anymore. Call off the APB on Zeke Selkey.

And bring Nancy back down to the precinct.

What's up?

Our ex-con Romeo is deadio.

That's two boyfriends down, five more to go.

Zeke Selkey's body was found in the same park where Greg Hampson was sh*t.

Two men, whose only connection to each other was you.

Why is this happening?

That's for you to explain.

Zeke's been out of prison for two weeks.

You expect us to believe you didn't know that?

He didn't say anything, I swear to you.

Why aren't you out looking for who k*lled him?

'Cause maybe we're looking at her right now.

What? Me? Your detectives were outside my building all night.

Zeke was k*lled two hours before our people got there.

You had plenty of time.

No.

And maybe you ran into Greg Hampson on your way home from the coffee shop last night?

We talked to the waitress again, she is not so sure you were there the whole five hours.

No! No, I was there. I was.

You don't actually care about any of these men.

You manipulated them into sending you money.

And when Zeke and Greg got too close, your lie was going to be exposed.

No! They used me.

My profile was fake, but what I shared with them was real.

If all these relationships were real, why did you need seven?

Because you can't rely on any of them!

They start out romantic but then pretty soon all they want is for you to say filthy things to them and then I don't hear from them for days.

Then I would just... instead of breaking up I would move on to the next one.

But that doesn't make me a k*ller.

So it's a coincidence that Greg and Zeke d*ed coming to see you?

What are you not telling us?

I, I wanna go home.

I wanna go home.

Nancy.

Are you on any medication?

Yeah.

What's your doctor's name?

Elizabeth Carlin.

Clinical psychiatrist, Upper West Side.

Should we go talk to her now?

Nah, it's past midnight.

Go ahead and clock out, I'll get Frankie and Meredith on it in the morning.

We are keeping Crazytown overnight.

Need a lift?

Escorting me back to my cabin.

Quite the gentleman.

If I'm the gentleman I guess that makes you the officer.

Tonight, I'm just Jennifer.

You mentioned you had something to give me? About the case.

Right.

A list of Hampson's personal effects.

Thank you.

You know you could have just e-mailed me this.

All of his other correspondences.

Redacted, of course.

You could have e-mailed me this, too.

A stapler.

Ah.

A stapler.

Mmm-hmm.

I can always use an extra stapler.

So now that I have given you something, it's your turn to give me something.

Oh... everything I have to give is on a need-to-know basis.

Well, I need to know what is underneath this shirt.

You know what?

You may not be an official Navy officer, but I'd like to thank you for your service.

Meredith: Tell us about Nancy, Dr. Carlin.

Nancy's a deeply insecure woman, she has some anger issues, but in my opinion she is not capable of v*olence.

Well, we'll still need to see your files.

Just to remind you, Nancy gave us written permission, which allows us to...

No, it's not that. My office was broken into a couple of weeks ago and all of my notebooks were stolen.

Really? Could it have been one of your patients?

Well, it certainly crossed my mind.

To your best recollection, were any of the men that Nancy was catfishing the jealous or aggressive type?

No, I don't think so. Half the time we'd talk about her obsession with TV.

The Voice, especially.

She would talk to me for hours and hours about who was safe and who'd been voted off...

I was so happy Craig won. When he opened his heart and he sang that Johnny Cash song, I just, I cried listening. He was so...

Please continue.

Well, Nancy's cable always seemed to go out right before the show started and she'd panic.

She had to watch it at a neighbor's.

And I suggested to her that she DVR it, but she said no, she had to see it live.

Only way to watch The Voice.

Anything else, Dr. Carlin?

Yes.

Recently she's developed a deep-seated paranoia.

Paranoid? About what?

She's convinced that she's being watched.

It was about the break-in?

Nice outfit, Soto.

Liked it better when you wore it yesterday.

Oh, I did? Hm.

Smells like you did.

So whoever stole the notebooks from Dr. Carlin's office knows all about Nancy's boyfriends.

We find the notebooks, maybe we find our m*rder*r.

Incident report on Dr. Carlin's office break-in.

Says the perp cut the alarm then connected it again when they left.

We know that Nancy's cable keeps going off and then back on again.

Maybe Nancy's paranoia isn't paranoia. Maybe she is being watched.

By who? She's practically a shut-in.

You mentioned a very helpful neighbor?

Who knows all of her habits, picks up her mail?

Duane. Lives down the hallway.

Super friendly guy.

Excuse me. Laundry coming through.

Yeah, and he told you that he lets her watch TV in his place whenever her cable goes out.

And there were wires hanging down from the ceiling of the hallway next to Nancy's apartment.

Wanna bet one of those is a TV cable?

If he's that obsessed, he would do anything to stop her from being with someone else.

He's seen her mail, he might know about Zeke the ex-con.

Oh, I got a Duane Hartsuff right here. Same address and he's got a record.

Ooh, that's him.

Two arrests for stalking, one for as*ault, multiple restraining orders.

Super-friendly guy is sounding super guilty.

(KNOCKING LOUDLY)

Duane Hartsuff, NYPD! We have a warrant to search your premises!

Tae kwon do, take two?

Police!

Clear, clear!

All right, we're looking for a nine millimeter, semi-a*t*matic w*apon.

Uh, those look like they might be the notebooks.

Oh, yes.

Wow.

Anything incriminating?

No. Nancy's shrink has great handwriting for a doctor.

So this is our guy.

We got him on burglary.

Now we've gotta get him on m*rder.

Let's get on the computer.

Okay.

What would a homicidal sociopath use for his password?

Try 1-2-3-4.

What kind of lame-ass uses 1-2-3-4?

Don't judge.

Denied.

We're gonna need a tech.

Not if he's pulling a w*r Games.

What's that?

A classic film.

Come on, people.

It's about a professor who names his supercomputer and password after the most important person in his life, his dead son.

Oh, like The Imitation Game?

What's that? The point is, Duane's password may be the name of the most important person in his life.

Nancy.

The mother lode!

Duane's hooked up to Nancy's Wi-Fi.

He's using a spy cam to watch in her apartment.

So she wasn't paranoid, creepy Duane was watching everything she did.

And reading everything she wrote.

He's even got a cloned account and can send messages from Nancy's e-mail without her knowing.

I bet he's been writing to our dead guys pretending to be her.

Like the e-mail he just sent eight minutes ago to another one of Nancy's boyfriends, Hector?

Lunatic's gonna k*ll again.

Not if we find him first.

If he can send an e-mail as Nancy, can't we send him an e-mail pretending we're Nancy?

Hell yes, we can.

All right. So there's only one thing that this guy wants more than Nancy's suitors dead.

He wants Nancy.

Ready?

Ready.

Duane, my venture into the internet for love has forsaken me.

Here we go again.

I now realize that the universe has brought us together.

It is you who fills my heart with passion.

Can we rendez-vous?

Okay.

(BEEPING)

It's him!

That was fast.

Where?

Too depressed for home.

Meet me at my favorite old dive, Halligan's.

Rendez-vous at a cop bar?

He doesn't know it's a cop bar.

He's gonna learn the hard way.

We're going catfishing.

Good with that? Okay.

Yeah.

What can I get ya?

Uh, scotch, double.

Waiting for someone?

Ding ding ding.

Do I have to tip you extra for that?

What's she look like?

Hundred and 15 pounds, light brown hair, cute little nose, sweet, sweet smile.

Oh, Nancy. You must be Duane.

Yeah. She had to leave.

She...

I was supposed to meet her here.

Sorry, pal, I see this a lot.

You're wrong.

The universe brought us together.

Well maybe the universe got cold feet.

Or maybe Nancy's just not the right woman.

She is the right woman.

She's my right woman.

You sound pretty confident about that.

I know better than anyone else.

Last joker brought her lilies.

Okay? Nancy doesn't like lilies.

Floral residue.

Probably lilies.

I hate to tell you this, but, um, Nancy left to see someone else.

Who?

She mentioned a guy named Zeke.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's not happening.

Uh, I'm pretty sure that's what she said.

Well, she's not gonna find him.

I heard that guy took a b*llet right between the eyes.

He's an ex-con, though. What do you expect?

sh*t.

How'd you hear that?

Nancy told me.

Nancy's been in custody since last night.

And she never saw the lilies that Greg Hampson brought to her because she was waiting for him in a coffee shop for five hours, see?

There's no way for you to know any of this unless you were there.

Sorry, Duane, but Nancy did not invite you here tonight.

I did.

No!

NYPD! Don't move!

Take your hands out of your pockets.

Agent Barrington.

How about I take you to dinner?

We don't even have to eat in my car.

That would be great but, um, I'm shipping out tonight.

Oh, uh... cool, when are you back in town?

Not sure, but it was a pleasure working with you.

Ouch! Player just got played.

Excuse me?

She's just saying, "Shake it off."

Frankie: Okay.

Just talked to the babysitter.

The birthday girl is en route.

Let's roll.

We've got to b*at her there. Let's roll.

Let's roll, let's roll, let's roll!

Hello?

All: Surprise!

Wow!

Happy birthday, Mommy!

Thank you, sweeties!

Wow!

"Wow," is right, and just so you know, I had nothing to do with this princess party.

My house is pink!

Isn't it awesome?

Really... great.

Thank you, Frankie.

And thank you, everyone!

Happy birthday, Laura.

Now, okay, before this party gets rockin', I just want to take a minute to acknowledge the person who helped me plan it all.

Max Carnegie, couldn't have done it without you, dude.

Oh, Max Carnegie.

(CHANTING) Max, Max, Max!

Just so you know, I totally invited your boyfriend, Tony, but he had to work.

It's all right, Frankie.

He gave me his birthday present last night.

Ooh! Neat, what did he give you?

(CHUCKLING)

Uh, what he's been giving me for about a month now.

Oh, those little brown pastry thingies?

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Enjoy the party, Frankie.

Yes!

(GIGGLES)

Who peed in your Cheerios?

Hi, um, have you met Laura Diamond?

She hates pink.

She loathes parties. Don't get me started on games.

Okay? And then you get ambushed in your own home and you're all...

(GIGGLING) Happy! I don't understand you!

I understand you. You sabotaged Frankie's plan.

Right?

No! Yes, I can't lie to you.

She's perky and she's sunny and she's odd, and those are my jobs.

Max.

You will always be my perky, sunny, odd number one.

I promise.

Now go tell Frankie the truth.

Do I have to?

Why do you always have to be so right?

Yes! All right, come on, come on, come on!

Keep that up.

Soto.

Ironic case, huh?

Catfish Nancy, she had all those loves from afar, but the person who really cared for her was right in front of her the whole time.

Literally right in front of her.

Yeah. Ironic, right?

Come on! How do you miss that?

Just pass the ball.

Happy birthday, Pinky.

Hmm.

Are you wearing eyeliner?

You only wear eyeliner for special occasions.

You knew about this party all along.

Yeah, I thought so.

This pink cake is making me feel...

I know that look. Go!

Oh, hey!

So, is uh... is everything good?

With Max and you?

Oh, yeah. Turns out it was my initiation.

Oh, well.

You okay?

Uh, not so much.

It's like I'm still on the ship.

Ooh. Tender tummy, huh?

You must have been a wreck when you were pregnant.

(CHUCKLING)

No...