02x01 - The Ex-orcism

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Deadbeat...

Ghosts stick around when they have unfinished business.

I never got to have sex.

I d*ed a virgin.

So, what were you, like a dentist?

I was an avant-gardist.

You see me?

Is that your first or your last name?

What?

What?

Finishing unfinished business is my business.

(gasping)

(screaming)

(screaming)

My guest today is celebrated paranormal communicator Camomile White.

(speaking gibberish)

Camomile White is a fraud.

(screaming)

Sue?

And when I get paid, I'm gonna come back for you.

I'm gonna rescue you from Camomile.

Ms. White, please, I believe in Kevin.

(eerie noises)

(screaming)

♪

Oh my God, Sue, you're dead.

I can't move into my light until my body is buried at sea.

♪

It didn't work.

Maybe your unfinished business is something else.

We'll figure it out.

I'll help you, every day.

No matter how long it takes.

Really?

Yeah.

♪
♪

Well, shall we get going or... ?

Yeah, yeah.

I feel like we've been standing here for, like, a year.

(chuckling)

♪

(wind blowing)

No!

Psych, I'm totally kidding!

Yo, no, no, no, no.

Put that away, put that away.

What? No, look, it's her finger.

Roofie, it's cute.

I see what it is, man.

Dude, so what the hell is your end game?

Uh... what do you mean?

You keepin' her on as a ghost on purpose?

Yeah.

Then what?

Well, I haven't really thought that far ahead, okay, Roofie?

But all I know is, I really like this girl, okay?

I like her a lot and for the first time in my life, it feels like maybe somehow a girl likes me back.

That's a big deal to me, okay?

Also, I asked her to live with me, so I need you to hold on to the finger.

Hell no.

Yes.

Hell no.

Just touch it.

This is what I'm talking about.

You can't build a relationship on lies.

Why not?

Because, you're terrible at lying.

No I'm not.

Now Sue believes she has some other unfinished business that you have to go on a wild goose chase to solve.

Great job.

A little credit, please.

I have it under control.

(laughs incredulously)

Okay, yeah, we'll see.

We'll see. Hey, listen.

This... I don't.

Just touch it.

(yelling)

♪
♪

Phew, ready?

♪

Sue's Potential Unfinished Business Finish this list.

(groans)

Well, I guess that wasn't it either.

sh**t.

It's useless.

I'm never gonna figure it out.

No, no, no, we will, we will.

Let's do something to take your mind off it.

There's a Felonies and Misdemeanors marathon on today.

Let's watch that together.

The noise complaint was called in at 10 p.m. but the party was clearly over at 9.

How's that possible?

It's not possible.

It's not even a crime.

Unless... Daylight savings.

Daylight savings, I knew it.

I was there with them.

That's a g*dd*mn misdemeanor.

Ah, genius.

I heard they had to replace the two leads 'cause they wanted bigger trailers.

My ex used to love this show.

Your ex?

Not ex, just this guy who I saw a couple of times.

I thought it was gonna turn into something serious but then outta nowhere, he just ghosted me.

Ew, gross. Sue!

What? No.

He ghosted me, like he stopped responding to my calls and texts, vanished into thin air.

Oh, I thought...

I thought you meant when a guy stands over you and just completely covers your face with his...

Nothing. Never mind.

Wait, maybe that's my unfinished business.

Ew, gross. Sue!

What? No. Glen, the ex.

We were supposed to have a date by the river but then he never showed.

He never even called.

It really effed me up.

That's total B.S.

We gotta go find that guy.

Yeah, we should find him.

We should absolutely and you can finally confront him.

And figure out what I did wrong.

Yeah! No. What?

Does the color red mean anything to you?

My husband, Thomas, he always wore a red hat.

And you two loved melon picking.

Eh... no.

Hold on a second, Linda, close your eyes with me.

Breathe again.

(loud inhalations)

♪

A bowling team.

(gasps)

I just can't believe it.

Linda.

Linda.

It's okay, Linda.

Thomas d*ed driving home from the bowling alley.

He was so angry.

Because you had lost...

I was cheating on him.

... monogamy.

Thomas has completely forgiven you.

He has moved on and he is at peace now.

He is... (glass shattering)

What... my God.

Was that him?

No, that wasn't him.

That was the ghost of a former tenant or something.

A melon magnate who hates plates.

Not important.

All this is not important to us.

What is important is your husband, Thomas.

He is now completely at peace.

(glass shattering)

Thomas?

This definitely does not seem like he is at peace.

Please, Ms. White, do I need to stop banging his brother?

No!

This is... Cut!

This is not going to work.

What...

Everybody take five.

You okay, Ms. White?

Need a little something? Some water?

One of those legally prescribed "calm me down" pills?

No, I don't need pills.

I need...

♪

This is his place.

Can't wait to give this dickhead a piece of your mind.

Oh!

Hey, talk about perfect timing, huh?

No, no, not at all.

Actually, do you mind shutting the door again?

I want to use the loud knocking to pump myself up, you know?

Excuse me.

Oh, all right, bye, Zoila.

Bye, Mr. Glen.

I'll see you real soon, okay?

Yeah, sh*t, I had a whole thing.

Now I'm, like, totally thrown off.

Oh, okay, no, I'm sorry.

Please, just take your time.

Yeah, okay, thank you.

So... (clears throat)

... this dickhead a piece of your mind.

Run up the stairs. Doo-doo-doo!

(imitating door creaking)

"Can I help you?"

"No, I don't think you can help me 'cause you don't help anyone."

(mumbling)

Ah yes, right, right!

Because you enjoy hurting others for your own sick pleasure.

Don't you?

Oh, golly, no.

I'm a doctor.

A doctor!

So... you... exploiter people's illnesses and injuries for your own sick profit, don't you?

Oh, well, actually, I'm a volunteer.

Yeah, I come from a lot of money, so I usually just donate my salary back to the hospital.

Oh.

Ask him about me.

Oh, right, yeah.

Yeah, eh, anyway.

I'm a medium and I'm here with the ghost of Sue...

Tabernacle.

Tabernacle?

Sue Tabernacle.

Sue Tabernacle?

Yeah.

(crying)

Oh, don't cry. What are...

(sobbing)

No!

Uh...

I can't believe it.

After all this time, I finally find her and she's dead.

What are you, what are you, what are you talking about?

Sue and I used to date.

Yes, I know, I know all this already.

I'm a med...

You were supposed to meet her down by the river and you stood her up.

No, no, I didn't!

I had it all planned out.

Wine and cheese.

I even brought my laptop with a special playlist I'd made just for that day.

But on the way there, something happened.

♪

I knew if that taxi hit those bottles, they'd be worthless and that man wouldn't be able to drink his sorrows away.

So I did what any man would do.

♪

(tires squealing)

♪

Sorry!

My leg was broken in two places.

Yeah, well, Sue's heart was broken in three places.

You could have at least called.

No, I couldn't!

Because my phone was broken in four places.

I lost all my contacts.

Especially Sue's.

Yeah, well, Sue doesn't buy that your phone wasn't backed up to your computer.

Yes, it was.

My laptop.

But I had to break it in half to use it as a splint.

(screams in pain)

(bones cracking)

I had no idea where Sue lived.

I knew if I didn't reach her before she left that park, I'd lose her forever.

But I was too late.

No!

(screaming in pain)

There you go, the relationship literally ended by accident.

There's no reason for us to even be here anymore.

Wait, maybe there's a different reason why we're here.

Maybe Glen and I need to reconnect.

Sue...

Wait!

Maybe there is a reason you're here.

Maybe this is fate giving us a second chance.

Maybe Sue and I just... need to reconnect.

(gasps)

♪

Of course I remember that gelato place.

How funny was the signage?

Such poor choice of words.

Oh yeah, Sue remembers and she also thought the sign was funny.

But, uh, again, you had to be there, so...

Oh, oh my God.

Do you remember when we snuck onto that baseball field that night?

Yes!

Uh, Sue remembers and she's blushing. Next.

Do you remember when we got to second base?

I hope that you are talking about the actual second base.

Yeah, I am.

Oh, you are?

Oh, good.

So, what happened on second base?

Oh, we totally had sex.

Okay, I really have to use the bathroom now.

Okay.

Okay.

There's two on this level.

♪

(telephone ringing)

♪

Yo, what up?

Roofie, I need your advice, man, it's all going to sh*t.

Yo, Pac, I can barely hear you, man.

Are you in a tsunami?

You have to speak up, I can't hear you, I turned the shower on so no one can hear me having a phone conversation.

Okay, well, now I can't hear you.

Roofie, I can barely hear you over the noise of the shower.

No, no... Pac, turn the shower off because I can't hear you.

Oh, I think we got a bad connection.

No, no, we don't have a bad connection, you got the shower...

If you turn the shower off, you won't have a bad connection.

Bad connection.

Ah!

Hello?

Hello?

♪

I'm back.

I'm so sorry about that.

That was a little rude.

Where were we?

Kevin, can you tell Glen I wish I had reached out sooner?

Sure, I wish that I had reached out sooner.

You do?

What? No.

Tell him it came from me.

It came from me.

What came from you?

No, tell him that part came from me.

Part of it came from me.

Which part came from you?

No, tell him Sue.

Sue.

I'm sorry, I'm a little bit lost here.

Glen apologizes for getting lost in the conversation.

Why are you acting weird?

Am I?

I'm sorry, I don't...

You know what, I have a terrible headache that's kinda brewing up.

Oh yeah, of course.

Can I have a lie-down, or... ?

Yes, I totally get it, man.

This has been a big day for all of us.

Yeah.

But I really...

I would love to talk to Sue again.

I bet.

Maybe we can finish that date we never had.

Maybe tomorrow.

Please?

Yeah.

Um, Sue would like to know if you are free tomorrow.

Oh, uh, that's tricky.

I'm actually getting married tomorrow.

Married! Ha!

Married?

Oh, no, it's not what you think.

It's just so Zoila, my Guatemalan cleaning lady, can get her green card.

So it'll be easier for her to send money back home to her sister who's in desperate need of gender reassignment surgery.

Oh!

But hey, that's at 2.

How's 2:30?

♪

"Oh, sure, Sue,"

I'll totally help you reconnect with your dreamy ex-boyfriend.

"That's a good idea."

Idiot!

Guy makes me look like Miss Piggy.

Come on!

Not now.

Oh, come on, unbelievable.

What's next, rain?

(pigeon cooing)

Well, at least one lucky thing happened today.

Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite sometime collaborator, Mr. Pacalioglu.

What?

Oh.

Let me help you here.

Listen, I know we've had our differences in the past, you and I.

Yeah, you stole my job, you humiliated me in front of the New York press, and you made me look like a dickhead in front of the mayor!

Like I said, we've had our differences.

But all that is in the past now, isn't it?

Is it?

I've got my own reality TV show in the works and I'd like to offer you a job.

A job?

Mm-hm.

(laughing incredulously)

Something humorous about that?

What? No, no, I'm sorry, I was thinking about something funny from earlier.

So you'll take the job?

What in the world do you think you have to offer me that could make me want to work for you ever?

I can think of a few things.

♪

I'm sorry, Ms. White, but your... charms no longer hold sway over me.

♪

Something in your pants suggests the contrary.

Oh, that?

I was thinking about something sexy from earlier.

I gotta go, I gotta go.

So, what, you just ran?

I just ran.

I did like a full bum out, boner jog but it was like "pew" down the street.

Fast. Tuck and duck.

Yeah, she was in my boner dust.

I'm proud of you, man.

You practiced some restraint, that's dope.

You know, and maybe this means I'm finally over Camomile White or at the very least, I've gotten really good at lying to myself about being over her.

So, either way.

Yo, speaking of lies, how's it going with your little ghost boo?

Uh...

The ghost boo, lies situation is not going very well, I fear.

I am now being asked to help her get closure with her ex-boyfriend.

So, man up.

Help her get closure, Pac.

I know, it's just that there's not any real closure to be had.

And now the more that these two talk to each other, the deeper she falls under his nice guy spell.

Time out, you listening to what you're saying?

You're saying the more they talk, right?

Like, you the one running the show.

You the only one that can hear.

Unless this guy develop a talent for hearing ghosts, then as far as I see it you good, baby.

'Cause he's not, he's not gonna.

Closure, you know?

Okay, I got it.

♪

No, no, I got it.

♪

That felt exotic.

What? Glen.

You d*ed? What the hell, man?

Craziest thing.

I go into the bathroom to take a bowel movement, I slip on a huge puddle of water, cr*ck my head wide open.

Yeah, I guess I forgot to tuck the liner into the tub before my last shower.

Yeah, yeah.

But hey, on the bright side, now I can talk to Sue without a translator.

Looks like we can make that date work without you.

Oh good, everybody wins.

Everyone except Zoila.

I'm sorry, who?

My Guatemalan cleaning lady.

Oh, yeah.

Not being able to give her that green card will be the biggest regret of my life.

The one thing I left unfinished.

♪

But what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

All right, well, I'm off to my date.

♪

So you want me to tail this guy?

Well, I can't bloody do it, can I?

He knows me.

I'm a famous television actor.

Yes.

A famous, brilliant television actor who plays a detective.

A strong, smart detective, who always gets his man.

Or woman. Sorry.

I mean, we just, we are very careful on the show to portray women as criminals too.

Be that detective, Matthew.

For me.

So, I know you had your heart set on marrying Glen, but for the before-mentioned reasons, it ain't gonna happen.

Lo siento.

No Inglés.

Let's see, how do I put this delicately?

Uh, Mr. Glen...

Sí, sí, Mr. Glen.

(whistling)

Whoop!

(imitating crashing sounds)

Oh no!

No! Mr. Glen!

I know, Mr. Glen, but... yeah, yeah, but, you know what, it's okay.

It's okay, because you know why?

'Cause I'm gonna marry you.

I will marry you.

♪

Zoila, look, look, I...

Zoila.

(spits)

Will you do me the honor of letting me be the number one man in your life?

¿Tú?

Yeah, okay, number two man in your life, Glen was option A, I'm option B, obviously.

Sí.

All right, yeah, option C, fine.

Whatever, do you want a green card or not?

Oh, espera, espera.

We need to provide proof of a meaningful relationship?

That could take hours!

♪

(camera clicking)

♪

You have the necessary paperwork and proof of relationship?

Yes, of course.

There you go.

Should all be accounted for.

♪

How did you two like Paris?

Fine. Expensive.

And how'd you two like the moon?

♪

Good. It was warm.

The moon was warm?

Yeah, really warm.

Unseasonably warm.

That's why I was so sweaty.

Yeah, I took that picture at the National Air and Space Museum in D.C. two Labor Days ago.

It was hot as hell, right?

Roofie, you made it.

I know.

I thought you might need a witness.

♪

One last question.

Since she clearly can't speak English, I take it you can speak Spanish?

Sí.

Sí.

See?

Mm-hm.

Good enough for me.

Married ♪

(boat horn blowing)

Hey! Hey. Hi, Sue!

I am so sorry I'm late.

I got a little hung up but, uh, did Glen ever show up or... ?

Actually, he did.

Yeah?

As a ghost.

As a what? As a ghost?

It was crazy.

That is crazy.

But as soon as he saw me, he turned into energy and went into his light.

Oh, well, look, Sue, I know that you were... really jazzed about getting back together with Glen or whatever.

What? No I wasn't.

What, you weren't?

No, I just thought that having him show up for this date was my unfinished business.

Turns out it wasn't, it was his.

All these attempts to figure out why I'm a ghost, they just end in disappointment.

I, all right, Sue, listen...

No wait, let me finish.

I realized something.

Going into the light will happen when it's supposed to happen.

There's no use in obsessing over it.

That's why I decided I'm gonna start living in the moment.

That's good.

I got a pretty good thing right here.

You're talking about me, right?

♪

(clears throat)

All right, come on, let's go.

Let's get outta here.

♪

Oh, by the way, I hired a new housekeeper.

Just ignore her, okay?

Whoop, oh, I just walked you through a chair.

(chuckling)

♪

Well, all right, I tailed him all day and I gotta say, Cam, I feel like one of your assistants.

Don't be silly, you're just being a really good boyfriend.

If this is what your boyfriends do, you are the most high maintenance girlfriend I've ever had.

What is that, chicken?

Swan.

Anyway, here. I didn't hear much, but I think he was on a Bluetooth talking to his lawyer.

And what makes you say that?

'Cause he kept on saying "sue."

Sue?

♪