02x01 - You Would Bang Her?

[bunniefuu]

Okay, everyone, thanks for participating in this focus group.

I'm gonna be asking you some questions about the show "Inside Amy Schumer."

Everyone understand?

Okay, so first question...

What do you think about the balance between the sketches and the stand-up?

Ooh!

Bronco?

Yeah, I thought her tits were great.

Like, really good tits. But her face was just okay.

Just so-so face, man.

Man: So-so face. Okay.

How about the balance between the stand-up and the sketches?

Dave, you had a thought.

Yeah.

Um, she looked better in the stand-up, for sure, but then there was just way, way hotter chicks in the skits.

So it was really hard for me to say...

And also I liked the skits better where you saw side boob, kind of, but not the close-ups of face.

Like, way less face, but more side boob.

That's what I would say.

Man: Okay.

Is this something you guys could see yourselves DVRing?

I would probably bang her, if that's what you mean.

Seriously, dude?

Yeah.

You wouldn't bang her?

I don't know.

Is it crazy that I would bang her?

Dude! Yes, you would.

Like, if no one had to find out ever.

Like, you just bang her...

If nobody finds out?

Just bang, dude.

Then I'm banging her.

Then I would, yeah.

Okay, so everyone would bang her if nobody knew.

Dave: If nobody knew.

I'd like to bang her.

Man: Would like to bang her. Great. This is awesome, guys.

Yeah, I got a question about the writing process.

Okay, sure, go ahead.

Are the writers hot?

If I could interject, I liked the routines where she was on the street talking to people, and I appreciated how it had a sort of feminist bent on a male-skewing network.

Okay, great.

But I must say, I would enjoy the routines more if she had like a 10% better dumper?

Thank you.

Yes.

Downstairs better?

Please.

Okay, everyone agrees with that, right?

Yes.

Absolutely.

It's just got to be a better turtle pond, man.

Okay. Last question.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how funny was "Inside Amy Schumer"?

You guys can write your answers on the cards in front of you.

1 to 10, guys.

Everyone ready?

Okay, everyone show your cards.

Okay, so...

Okay, great. I'm gonna give your input to the network.

And here's your payment.

Beef sticks and energy drinks.

Oh!

Bro! Come on!

Let go!

Bronco, no!

Couple of 'em said they would bang me?

It's so hard for girls.

Like, your self-esteem, I just feel like it's up and down.

Some days I wake up, and I'm just like, "Yes, bitch."

I'm like ♪ My p*ssy's f*cking magic ♪

[Laughter]

And then other days I wake up like, "I can't believe anyone's ever f*cked me."

I'm like Ursula from "The Little Mermaid."

Like, "Uhhhh!"

sh**ting ink at people, with, like, tentacles, just...

Do you think that was hot?

Is it just like a sea of boners out there right now?

Just bone... a boneyard.

♪ "Shrimp" you been "prawn"...♪

[Humming tune]

[Cellphone rings]

Mm. Hey, butthole, what's up?

Girl, did Bobby Skeltis ever end up letting you have sex with him?

Why? No.

Okay, good. Laura just told me he has herpes, so...

Oh.

Well, no, that is a big relief because, no, I did not.

Okay, no, I just wanted to let you know.

Oh, my God! Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, my God, no, no!

Please, God, let me not have herpes, please!

[Harp glissando plays]

Well, well, well.

Look who it is.

God?

Do you remember when the last time I heard from you was?

It was probably pretty recently when my friend Tig got cancer.

Pretty sure I reached out then.

No, it was seven years ago when you were rooting for the green knight at Medieval Times.

Oh.

Well, God, thank you so much for coming through for me that night.

You're welcome.

This guy Bobby Skeltis that you slept with?

God.

What are you doing?

I know.

I know. I can do so much better. You're right.

I didn't say that.

Oh.

You know, 70% of people who reach out to me are having a herpes scare.

Why should I help you?

Okay.

That's a fair question.

Yeah.

Okay.

Um, so I'm kind of like a public figure now.

Mm.

Like a role model?

So if some young girl saw me buying Valtrex or something, it would be, like, a thing.

Right. A thing. Mm.

Like that earthquake in Peru yesterday that k*lled 9,000 people.

Oh, my God. I hope no one was hurt.

[Groaning] Ohh, gosh.

I really need to stop making so many white girls.

Let me be honest with you, okay?

You did get herpes. You already have it.

No!

Yes.

Now, for me to undo your herpes, I have to create balance in the universe.

You understand?

Totally.

I'd have to k*ll off an entire village in Uzbekistan.

Yeah.

Whatever you think is best. Do it.

You'll also have to sacrifice something.

Oh, my God, name it.

Okay. You need to stop drinking.

Pass.

How about stop using hair spray?

The aerosol is very bad for the environment.

Could I just, like, blow you?

I'm gay.

So?

Jesus Christ.

[Stammers] How about you just call your mother a little bit more often?

That's an easy one.

Nnnnn...

What is herpes exactly?

It's an outbreak like once a year?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I think I'll just take it.

Okay, fine, fine.

Herpes it is.

Now, don't forget to call all the men that you've slept with.

That's the moral thing to do, right?

[Harp glissando plays]

Oh, my God, of course.

Duh. [Chuckles]

Amy.

Mm!

I can see everything.

What? Oh, now? You want me to do it now?

Yes!

Okay, well, you weren't clear about that.

I'll do it right now.

[Sarcastically] Sorry!

I'm sorry. I'll do it now.

Boop boop boop. Boop boop.

♪ Jeans into jean shorts ♪

[Harp glissando plays]

What?!

I'm sorry you changed seasons and now I need jean shorts.

This one's on you.

Just call them.

[Whining] No!

Fine! I'll do it.

Ah! Give me the phone.

Unbelievable. [Chuckling] I mean...

[Clears throat]

[Amy's voice] Hi, Mike. It's Amy.

Schumer.

I don't talk like that.

Uh, yeah, we met on Christmas at the Boston Market and had sex after two beers?

Yeah. You have herpes because I have herpes.

Bye-ee!

[Clears throat]

Did he sound like he was at all psyched to hear from me?

Like, what was his vibe?

[Normal voice] You're the f*cking worst.

Wow.

Oh? No?

Have you ever had a herpes scare?

Once, yes.

What happened?

Um, staph infection.

Thank God!

I know, right?

You ever had an STD scare?

STD scare, no.

Wow. Good job.

Wrap that sh*t up.

That's a penis, and this was a condom, right? Okay.

Man: Your wedding day.

Memories that will last a lifetime.

And you deserve to have those memories captured by a true professional... not ruined by some hack who can't accommodate different skin tone!

Click!

Hi, I'm Martin Daniels, interracial wedding photographer.

I'll make sure your wildly mismatched skin pigments don't stand in the way of a flawless wedding portrait.

Presto!

My work speaks for itself.

I've photographed literally dozen of satisfied couple, like these two here.

Wendy is Asian and Josh is, guess what, a Jew.

Real original, Josh.

Click!

My two separate-but-equal light meters allow me to capture the pastiest whites and the darkiest darks.

Even though your union doesn't look right through the Lord's eyes, I'll still take the picture.

Who am I, jury duty?

And my specialized editing software lets me disguise the disapproving looks from your relatives.

Can I do Persian and black? Yes!

Jewish and Namibian? Yes!

Irish and indecipherable? Why not?!

Korean and Mexican? No.

No, you have to draw the line somewhere.

Will I photograph same-race couples? Gladly.

I offer a 30% "stick with your own kind" discount.

Click!

But if you insist on saying, "I do" to someone who grew up in a house that smelled different than your house, you can count on me, Martin Daniels, interracial wedding photographer.

[Camera shutter clicking]

What the f*ck you just say?

Did you ever hook up with a black guy?

Half black, half Puerto Rican once.

We are accepting that, yes, thank you.

Excellent. I've been wondering.

Was it cool or what?

I think I enjoyed it, yeah.

That is the perfect way to describe every sexual encounter I've ever had.

"I think I enjoyed it, but..."

Have you ever dated a black guy?

Uh, never dated a black guy.

[Both laugh]

You are the best.

Unh!

Announcer: Bridget Everett is just three points away from winning her fourth Grand Slam.

Announcer #2: Remarkably, she has not allowed Schumerenka a single game in this match, and yet I can't take my eyes off of Schumerenka's unique style on the court.

Ah-ay!

Announcer #1: I agree, Patrick.

Schumerenka has a charisma on the court that just pulls you in.

Uhh!

Unh!

Umpire: Out.

Announcer #2: I think one reason why Schumerenka's having such a difficult time in this match is the distraction factor of Everett's grunting.

Announcer #1: Oh, God, it's disgusting.

They should really ban it.

Whoo!

Ah!

Unh.

Umpire: Out.

Announcer #2: Heaving and sweating like a Clydesdale, Everett makes the sh*t.

Let's take a look at the instant replay.

Unh!

[S low R-and-B music plays]

Announcer #1: So amazing.

I think the most incredible part of Schumerenka's game is how she manages to be so thin and yet still have such large breasts.

Announcer #2: Absolutely. It's just such a turn-on to see tennis played with this level of integrity.

Amy's friends and family obviously agree.

[Up-tempo dance music playing]

Schumerenka's sponsor is Herpsky premium vodka.

Announcer #1: As usual, Everett's friend and old math teacher is there to cheer her on.

Everett got her a nice seat in her VIP box, sponsored by ground beef.

Announcer #2: Is what she's doing technically cheering her on?

It looks like she's just eating snacks from home.

Announcer #1: Schumerenka seems to be trying to take a moment to refocus.

Announcer #2: This is one of those key moments where she definitely needs to take her time and not rush.

Yeah, don't rush that.

Announcer #1: Bridget doesn't seem to like the delay in the game.

As usual, she has to try to control her infamous attitude problem.

It's unattractive, and also she is cock-blocking.

Unh-uh!

Uhh!

[Whining] Unh!

Umpire: Out.

Announcer #1: No good. It's over.

Announcer #2: Yeah.

Yes! Yes!

Well, Everett wins the East Coast International for the fourth time in straight sets.

Hope she's happy.

Let's go courtside for the awards ceremony.

Bridget, you won.

Here's your cup and a million dollars.

Thanks.

Thanks, Katrina.

Really fought hard out there...

Amy...

[Cheers and applause]

You lost.

But you were so gorgeous throughout the entire match that it's almost like you won.

Does that make sense? What's your secret?

[Russian accent] Um...

I love this country.

[Crowd cheering]

Freedom.

Amy, I'm being told the crowd has chipped in.

You will now be walking away with $2 million!

Oh! Oh!

America!

I... I love everyone! I thank you!

Oh, thank you for buying me diamond!

Thank you! America!

Oh!

I won.

I won.

[Chanting] Amy! Amy! Amy!

America! America!

These are for you. Take them.

I don't need them anymore.

I love you, America.

Take them.

Announcer #1: Amy Schumerenka, a true champion.

Announcer #2: Great for tennis.

I want to f*ck her.

Oh, me too.

Who do you think is the hottest female athlete?

Anna Kournikova?

Yeah?

Yeah. Not too bad.

Uh, is she good at tennis?

Mildly.

But it doesn't matter.

No, doesn't.

You'd still rather watch her play.

Yeah.

Who do you think is the hottest female athlete?

Is there really any hot female athlete?

Aren't they a little butchy, all of them?

Well, I'm a little butchy, and I get laid.

Who do you think is the hottest female athlete?

And you can't say me.

You're not an athlete.

What? Feel how heavy this is.

It's like a Shake Weight.

This is like a Shake Weight.

Stop having better jokes than me on my TV show.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Blake. I'm Amy, your new secretary.

Hello, Amy. Good to meet you.

Say, I'm very busy today, so I'd like you to make sure that I'm not disturbed.

No one, but no one, is to go into my office without an appointment, got it?

Yes, sir.

Thanks, doll.

I need to see Mr. Blake immediately!

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. He's busy right now.

Well, this can't wait.

No, no, you can't go in there!

Blake! It's completely unacceptable!

Third time this month!

I'm sorry, Mr. Blake. I told him he can't come in here!

All right, Amy. Have a seat, Bill.

For the love of God.

This is...

Damn it, Amy, what happened there?

I'm sorry, sir. I told him he couldn't go in there.

Okay. Well, I really need you to put some oomph into it, kiddo.

Okay.

All right.

This is an abomination! I need to see Mr. Blake.

No, you can't go in there!

The hell I can't!

Blake, I've had it up to here!

I'm sorry, Mr. Blake! I told him he can't come in here!

Blake: Jesus Christ, Amy.

Ed, did she say you couldn't come in here?

Yes, she did.

Well, how did she say it?

Uh, "You can't go in there!"

Okay, that's pretty good.

But the way she said it, it felt like I could go in there.

Blake: Mm-hmm.

Amy, there are thousands of women who'd k*ll for the opportunity to tell people they can't come into my office.

I know. I'm sorry, sir. I'll work on it.

Mm-hmm. All right, have a seat, Ed.

You can't go in there! You can't go in there!

[British accent] You can't go in there!

I have to see Mr. Blake!

No, no! You can't go in there!

Oh.

Okay, thank you.

I'll wait.

Oh.

Well, I'm sorry I yelled. I have to say that.

No. I respect the American secretary.

I'm not an animal.

Sir, thank you.

Today's been so difficult for me and...

Say! Is someone going in there?

Where?!

Come on, everyone!

What?! No!

No, y-you can't go in there!

You can't go in there! You can't go in there!

Y-You can't go in there! You can't go in there!

You can't go in there! You can't go in there!

You ca... Oh, gosh, I'm dreadful at this.

Blake: How did you guys get in here?

Amy!

Look, Amy, you're a woman, and you can only focus on one thing at a time.

I get that.

That's why I gave you just the one task.

In fact, what are you even doing typing?

Look, you need to start doing your job, or I'm gonna find someone who can do your job.

Okay.

Well, hello. I'm here to see Mr. Blake.

You can't go In there!

[Up-tempo instrumental plays]

[Groaning]

[Stapler clicking]

[Muffled screaming]

Woman: We're sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

You! Can't! Go! In! There!

Blake: Amy.

Did my 11:30 get here yet?

Mr. Blake will see you now.

♪ Stand up ♪
♪ Stand up and be proud ♪
♪ Let someone in ♪
♪ Let someone in ♪
♪ Go get the coffee now ♪

So, Gabe, you edit and produce p*rn.

Yeah.

How did you get started working in p*rn?

My friend told me, "If you want to work in TV, find a production studio that makes something you love."

So I was like, let me find a p*rn studio that makes something I love.

What's the name of the last p*rn you sh*t?

Um, it is called "Cum Whore."

Um, it's [Laughing]

Is this about me?

It's not.

We can Photoshop your face on the cover...

I'd appreciate that.

What's your favorite scene you've ever sh*t?

The thing I'm most proud of is a double-penetration sh*t we... we got away with.

What's that? I'm just kidding.

Oh, man, okay. 'Cause I could tell you.

No, uh...

Would you ever do it?

Oh no, no. God, no.

Why?

I don't know if I got the body for that.

Come on.

I could work it, but...

Girl!

Is it more important to have a good body or a huge cock?

We've gotten some older guys with, like, craggy faces and, like, really saggy.

But then they have these, like, giant 11-inch dicks.

Giant dongs. What do you do?

It's like a chest-down kind of thing.

So you'll pan up to their face every now and then.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Like, "He's a human!"

And then you just go back.

Right.

"We promise! This isn't a centaur."

What if someone's just, like, a really bad actor?

Like, so bad. Have you ever replaced anyone?

You'd be surprised how many people don't show up, last minute.

Sometimes we'll have backups that we'll call up like a half hour before and be like, "Yo, is your butt clean? Come over."

That's so cute.

That's how they ask me to get ready for the show in the morning.

"Schumer, clean your butt." I'm like, "I don't want to!"

What's the worst thing you've witnessed this year?

Usually what I have to do is get that, like, beneath-the-d*ck penetration sh*t.

So it's almost like you're a tiny ant and you're just staring up at...

That's a cute... What a cute metaphor, yeah.

This is getting... Why is this so cute?

[Laughs]

You're like a Weeble.

You're like, "So I'm in 'Fraggle Rock..."'

I'm just thinking, "Oh, my God!"

So this dude, um, he, like, pulls his d*ck out just as he's coming...

And you're not wearing, like, a poncho.

You're not at a Gallagher show.

No.

And I kid you not, it was like Niagara Falls.

It was just like a wave of, like, come to the face.

This sounds like the worst-case scenario.

It was really rough.

And it's like somehow by the grace of whatever God exists, it missed my mouth.

You are such a glass-half-full type of guy. [Laughs]

I'm so jealous of the way guys get to come.

Doesn't it look so fun?

And not just 'cause you get to spread your Funfetti wherever you want, just...

Like Oprah's big giveaway.

"You get a car, you get a car..."

It's like "Ghostbusters". Ugh.

[Laughter]

But guys, they are so satisfied after, they're so tired.

They're just [Exhales sharply]

"f*ck."

It's like they were in a car accident.

They're like, "Did you see that guy?

Came out of nowhere.

[Laughter]

Are you all right? You seem all right.

Did you get his plates?"

[Laughter]

Then they sleep for 9, 10 hours.

We're not like that.

I need more recovery time after a sneeze than an orgasm.

Just...

'Cause...

Why?

I am... No, I am gay, but, uh...

But what?

No. Nothing.

Do you want to just try, just see what's up?

[Laughter]

Good? Yeah?

All right, have a seat, gentlemen, Indian style.

We're still allowed to say stuff like that, right?

All right, go ahead. Drop to your knees, gentlemen.

Seriously, drop to your knees.

Gentlemen, all of you, on your knees.