02x09 - The Emancipation Apparition

[bunniefuu]

♪

(chewing loudly)

Chip please?

(crunching)

Ugh, if this thing can eat, does that mean it can also...

sh*t.

This cannot be right!

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

I'm just, uh, crunching some numbers over here and if my calculations are correct, it is way worse than we ever imagined.

Sue, I might have to get a job.

Ew!

Blob! Ah, ahh!

Sorry!

What... what are you doing, man?

What are you doing? We discussed this!

No sh1tting in front of each other's girlfriends.

I thought we were on the same page, buddy.

Go finish up out the window.

God!

Girlfriend?

Well...

I... is it? Are we?

Kevin, I'd love to be your girlfriend.

Really?

Mhm!

All right!

Hey, why don't we do something fun this weekend?

Yeah, I would love to, Sue, but I literally can't afford to do anything.

Mm. How much money do you have?

Ten cents.

Kevin, that's a penny.

Oh, damn it!

I have to redo all this now.

Wait, I have an idea!

♪

You are a god damn genius, Sue.

A real G-D-G. Woohoo!

All right, you keep your eyes out for the boys in blue, I'm gonna go grab the cheddar.

What? No, Kevin, it's a wishing well.

A... a what?

A wishing well.

Take the penny in your hand, close your eyes, make a wish, throw it in, and your wish will come true.

Okay...

♪

Okay, now what?

Now we wait.

No, not here.

Not here?

It'll happen later.

Eh.

♪

(screaming)

♪
♪

The s'mores on the pizza!

Nice to meet ya!

I'm gonna eat-za you!

Herro?

Yeah, this is he. What?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

S'mores on the pizza!

Nice to meet ya!

♪

Thank you for responding semi-promptly, Mr. Pacalioglu.

Yeah, well, you know, to be fair, you called me literally right as I was sliding a s'mizza in the oven, so that's kinda on you.

As I'm sure you're aware, the Dalworf is one of the finest hotels in Manhattan.

Our guests expect the highest standards of luxury.

Any dip in that quality, however small, is an absolute travesty!

And a smear on the good name of the Dalworf Hotel!

It's unacceptable; this is the Dalworf for f*ck's sake!

I do apologize; we're under a lot of stress at the moment.

It's okay; no apology necessary.

The penthouse suite is being haunted.

It's an absolute nightmare in there, and we have a guest arriving in 48 hours.

I'm willing to give you 500 dollars right now to get rid of this ghost before our VIP guest arrives at the end of the weekend.

VIP, huh? Anybody I know?

I'm not at liberty to say who.

That would be uncouth.

Is it Mayor Meyer?

Trust me, you'll never guess.

Is it James McAvoy?

Just get it done.

♪

Gotcha.

Herrooo!?

Herro?

Fancy hotel ghost?

Just got a call from the, uh, fancy hotel.

They said you were up here being kind of a d*ck.

♪

Hey, d*ck!

♪

I'm not sure how you were being a d*ck.

This place looks awesome.

Boo!

(screaming)

Oh, my God. Oh, Sue!

What are you... what are you doing here?

Well, I was thinking about that vacation, and you need money, so I thought I'd k*ll two birds with one stone.

Okay, so there are ghost birds in here?

No!

Where are they?

I'm the ghost!

I'm the one haunting the suite!

Oh.

This way you get paid, and we get the suite to ourselves the whole weekend.

Sue, that is stealing.

Also, it's f*cking brilliant.

(laughing)

Yeah!

Right?

And, check it out.

(gasping) Oh my God.

Is that what I think it is?

Yes.

Fancy hotel bathrobe.

Oh my gosh! Oh, Sue!

Robes like this are for kings and princes!

And now I'm one of them.

Oh, it's like wearing a jacket made out of lotion!

Oh, Sue.

We are gonna have so much fun!

Yeah!

(knocking)

What's that? Is that the door?

I'll get it.

(giggling)

Hi...

Uh, oh.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, young man. I believe you can.

Okay, listen.

I... I don't know anything about Amish culture, but if you d*ed on one of your, like, Rumsteiner things...

Holy sh*t!

It's Abraham Lincoln!

What?

That's right!

I must say, I do not appreciate you two throwing this in a fountain.

Yeah. That was her idea.

I'm a... listen, uh, Your Excellency.

I would be honored to help you finish your unfinished business, but can we, you know, like, pencil it in on Monday?

Kevin!

Will you please excuse us for a moment, Mr. President?

Certainly.

Just one second.

Kevin, he's the President of the United States.

He, like, brought the country together, and you know, freed the slaves?

Do you have any idea how hard it would be to help Abraham Lincoln solve his unfinished business?

Oh my God, you want me to end all racism?

What? Uh, heavens no.

You want the complete reunification of the north and the south?

No, no, no. Nothing like that.

That's a pipe dream, young lady.

I'd just kinda like to see the end of that play.

Ohh.

♪

I've loved theater since I was but a young boy in Illinois.

Back then, the fields of corn were my stage.

I used to make little actor figurines out of twigs and cow sh*t.

But alas, being an actor in those days, well, it was quite difficult.

Truth be told, and I always tell it, I didn't have the discipline.

So I decided to become president.

Oh!

And then I saved the Union, freed the slaves, yada, yada, you get it.

Okay, so your only real regret is that you never got to see the end of the play where this dude k*lled you?

It was the theatrical event of the season!

I waited months for those tickets.

And I would have seen the end, too, if it wasn't for that m*therf*cker John Wilkes Booth!

Woah.

I'm sorry, but he was a d*ck.

(knocking)

Hang on.

If that's the bellhop, no tip, he's been thirty minutes.

Here's the script you requested, Mr. Pacalioglu, though I don't see how it's...

Thanks!

What's that?

This is the script to your play, Our American Cousin.

You got the script?

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

You guys are gonna love it.

It's about this oafish American, see, who visits his prim and proper English cousins after he inherits their estates.

It is an absolute riot!

Ohh, that sounds great.

Let's get started.

So, Act 1, Scene 1.

An oafish American...

Ohhh, no, no no.

This is Our American Cousin!

One does not just read Our American Cousin!

It deserves to be performed on a real stage, with real actors, and not interrupted by g*nshots.

Damn you, John Wilkes Booth!

Damn you to hell!

I imagine he's there, right?

Yeah, I'm sure he is.

Listen, the whole reason I'm in New York is for Broadway, so if we're going to do this, we're gonna do it right, which means we need to find a theater.

Can it be off-Broadway?

Sure.

Uh, hi! Excuse me, I would like to rent your theater.

Now, before you say no, let me just explain something to you: it's actually a show for ghosts.

500 bucks.

Oh!

Uh, ex-squeeze me?

This stage has seen it all.

For 500 bucks, you can b*at off in every seat in the theater, for all I care.

Uh, one second.

500 bucks? That's like, all the money from the hotel job!

I don't wanna do that!

I love these sconces!

This place has a lot of character.

Abe, don't touch.

Kevin, it's Abraham Lincoln.

People are b*ating off in there and then we got to sit in them and...

You just had to manage a theater, didn't you?

Couldn't have been an engineer like Dad said, you big, dumb idiot.

Uh, yes. Okay, fine.

We'll take it.

Hi, my name is Nicole Schreiber, and I will be doing a scene from the motion picture Seven.

Uh, no we actually have material...

... for you to read...

What's in the box?

No, what's in the box?

What's in the freakin' box?

Bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang!

Thank you, next!

♪

(laughing)

No.

No?

Okay, fair enough.

I've performed at Chillicothe Rep, Spokane Regional, and Children's Kabuki Theater of Tallahassee.

And, as you might imagine, I am offer-only.

♪

Okay, yeah, we're gonna have to pass.

Okay, okay, okay. I'll audition.

Just gimme a second.

Okay, take your time.

Is this a-peeling?

Oh, you know what?

I think it might match one of these.

♪

(in a bad British accent)
He's no cousin of...

Next up!

Next.

Let my people...

Noooo!

(sighs) God damn it, Abraham.

And in the end, the greatest riches are neither gold nor estate, but rather the bonds of enduring love forever forged in that great flame which we call family.

♪

Like, I mean?

(imitates g*nsh*t)

It's Joey Pants, he won an Emmy!

Supporting.

Hey, what do you want?

We've seen everybody.

Then find me more!

This play deserves a star.

Uh, like, who do you got in mind?

Matthew Biscotti?

I mean, come on.

Matthew Biscotti?

Of television's Felonies and Misdemeanors?

Maybe?

Yes, by God!

That's exactly who I want.

He's fantastic; he's perfect!

I'll settle for nothing less, do you hear me? Nothing less!

(chuckling)

Oh no, he's got a Biscotti boner.

(knocking on door)

Matthew?

Matthew Biscotti?

Are ya in there?

f*ck off!

Leave me alone.

No. No, no, no, no. Listen!

It's... it's, uh, it's Kevin Pacalioglu.

I need to talk to you.

I was on, uh, I was on the show with Camomile, so...

Who?

I was the, uh, I was the fat guy who kept falling down?

Hi.

You.

Do you know where Camomile is?

Why are you naked?

Oh, God.

Oh God! She's gone.

I'm all alone.

Yeah, hey, shush, shush!

Come on, man! Dry 'em up, dry 'em up!

It's okay.

Everything's gonna... ahh!

Ohh, vomit!

Ohh!

♪

So, uh, what... what happened to Camomile?

You know that, uh, whole Samantha Cherry story?

The girl that they took out of, uh, they took out of that bunker last week?

Yeah, I heard about it.
I mean, uh, everybody knows about it, I... I didn't have anything to do with it, if that's what you're saying.

I mean, how could I?

I'm just a fat guy that falls down!

I'm just a fat guy that falls down!

Ask anybody!

Okay, well, anyway, when Cam heard that Samantha had been found, I mean, she totally, she freaked out.

Because you know, talking to Samantha Cherry's ghost essentially launched her career!

I know.

And, and she started talking about how she's been exposed, and it's like, it was... it was done for her as a medium!

It was over!

And then, and then, she, um, vanished?

And uh, I haven't heard from her for days.

Okay, all right, all right.

Hey hey hey, listen, listen, listen!

Listen, listen.

You need to take your mind off of this, okay, and I have just the thing.

Oh, no. I don't know.

If I do any more coke, I think my head will explode.

No, no. I'm not talking about coke, I'm talking about the best drug of all.

I'm talking about acting.

Remember that?

Yeah, there's that twinkle.

I'm putting on a show tonight.

It's an old-timey play, it's over three hours long.

It makes no sense whatsoever.

And you'd only have this afternoon to prepare.

Basically, it's...

The role of a lifetime!

Yes.

(glass shattering)

I'll do it.

Yes!

God, it is exactly how I imagined it.

Woah, woah.

Ay-o.

Matthew Biscotti, the greatest actor alive is here to save your play.

O-M-G!

I am freaking out right now.

Where is everybody?

Oh, uh yeah.

I, maybe I failed to mention this is a, uh, play for ghosts.

(gulps loudly)

Fantastic.

All right.

Is he drunk?

Uh, yes.

Very much so.

Can he pull this off?

I don't know, I guess we're about to find out, right?

Uh, Mr. Biscotti, would you mind terribly if we did a little rehearsal?

Um, here's the script.

I'm ready.

Okay.

Okay then. Great.

Uh, okay. Uh.

Hold the work, quiet on the set.

(glass shattering)

♪

And... Biscotti.

Y'all... us Yanks don't know a crumpet from a castle, but we do know when a family needs a fixin'.

I don't wanna be in your will.

I just wanna be in your hearts.

♪

Pretty good, right?

Oh my God.

I mean, pretty good, I gotta say!

He was fantastic.

Almost too good.

A performance like that, why, it needs a big finish!

I'm afraid what we have is just not good enough.

What are you talking about?

You haven't even seen the end of the play, that's the whole point!

Keep getting everything ready, leave the rest to me.

No, Abe! No, Abe! What does that mean?

Abe!

Wow, that's good acoustics.

Kevin, let's just get through the play tonight, and then tomorrow we'll have the suite all to ourselves, okay?

Playbill Theatre Our American Cousin One Night Only Programs?

♪

I'm very excited.

I've actually seen the show, just not the end.

Oh, I see.

♪

Matthew?

You okay there, bud?

You seem a little passed out-y.

Places, places for the top of Act One!

Let's break legs, people!

Yeah!

Look alive, god damn it!

(orchestra warming up)

(applause)

(unintelligible discussion)

Where is our American cousin?

Hey, y'all!

Yes!

Biscotti!

Sorry I was late.

I was just outside parking that big dog.

(spits)

It's not a dog, it's a horse.

(haughty chuckling)

(laughter)

(applause)

♪

How was your trip over from America, dear cousin?

Oh, look at Lincoln.

He's not even paying attention.

My God, is he quilling?

Honestly, what an assh*le!

Oh, dear cousin!

(haughty chuckling)

Y'all sure do have funny tasting coffee here.

(spits)

That's not coffee, that's tea!

(laughter)

♪

They're really quiet tonight.

I feel like I'm dying out there!

No, no. That's 'cause they're dead.

You're killin' it, trust me.

Yeah.

Woo! Let's bring it home, people!

Shhh. Come on, man.

Oh Pac!

Pac.

I loved those last-minute third act rewrites!

Oh, what?

Let's do this, people.

No, no, no, Biscotti, what, what?

What third act rewrite?

♪

Where the hell is Lincoln?

♪

Well, that ain't a biscuit.

That's a cookie!

(haughty chuckling)

(g*nsh*t)

(crowd murmuring)

One hundred and fifty years ago, I was m*rder*d during this very play.

I thought I had d*ed in vain until today.

What?

For today, I finally realized that my death was not about the w*r, the Union, or even Emancipation.

No, it was so that I could bring you the ultimate theatrical experience!

(thunder sound effect)

♪

Welcome to...

Lincoln, for one night only.

♪ I'm Lincoln ♪
♪ And I'm thinkin' ♪
♪ that the slaves should be free ♪
♪ I'm Lincoln, ♪
♪ and I'm thinkin' ♪
♪ That I should be ♪
♪ me-ee ♪

(applause)

(cheering)

♪

Growing up in a log cabin was tough.

In fact, the only thing worse than winters in Illinois was my mom's tomato soup!

Blah!

(laughter)

♪

I love you, Abraham.

And I promise I'll never be crazy.

That's my wife, Mary Todd, and boy, was she wrong!

(laughter)

But seriously, though, she was clinically diagnosed with schizophrenia.

♪

And, Mr. Lincoln?

Thank you for freeing us.

Word.

(cheering, applause)

(Lincoln chuckling)

(cell phone vibrating)

sh*t.

Hello?

Mr. Pacalioglu?

Yeah.

Just wanted to say "Thank you" on a job well done.

What? What are you talking about?

Mr. McAvoy arrived a day early, but we haven't had any hauntings all day, sir. Splendid work.

Thank you for your services, no need to return to the hotel.

No no no no!

Goodbye!

No no no! Oh no!

(applause, cheering)

Oh!

You!

You!

We did it, huh?

We did what?

We failed, you big, dumb top-hatted idiot!

I lost everything!

I lost my money, I lost my robe, I lost my suite all thanks to you!

This was supposed to be a staycation.

Instead it's turned into a... whatever the opposite of a staycation is.

A job?

Shut up.

You shut your talkin' hole, all right?

And... and you know what else?

Do you wanna know what the icing is on this poo-pie?

You were too selfish to even finish your own business, you big dumb jerk!

Why don't you just go and grow a mustache, you piece of...

Pac!

What?

I did finish my business.

No you didn't, Abe.

You didn't see the end of the play!

Do you hear them?

They love me!

Pac, a true theater geek doesn't wanna just see theater, he wants to live it!

That's all I ever wanted, was to perform!

On a stage, in front of an audience.

Why do you think I was such a great orator?

"Four score and seven years ago"?

That sh*t k*lled, buddy.

Well, that's true.

I just wish back then I'd had a mic to drop.

Yeah, okay.

Thank you, Kevin.

For everything.

And hey...

♪

I hope your wish comes true, too.

♪

Crazy show, right?

Yeah.

Oh, uh...

Sue, I just got off the phone with the hotel.

I lost the suite!

And completely ruined our staycation!

No! Who said it was ruined?

We got to put on a play for a former President, I got to be stage manager.

And most importantly, I got to spend time with you.

It was the perfect staycation.

That's exactly what I wished for.

See? That fountain sh*t works.

♪

(gasps)

Where the hell am I?!

♪
♪ I'm Lincoln ♪
♪ And I'm thinkin' ♪
♪ that the slaves should be free ♪
♪ I'm Lincoln, ♪
♪ and I'm thinkin' ♪
♪ That I should be ♪
♪ me-ee ♪

(coughs after holding note)

How long am I supposed to hold this?

♪ ... eeee ♪