02x07 - Marc's Family

[bunniefuu]

What do I call you? Cm?

Do I call you punk?

Do I call you Phil?

Well, cm punk's my code name.

And I never know, "hey, you know, how are you?

My name's punk."

Right.

It's kind of a weird way to start a conversation...

[ Chuckling ] Yeah.

...Without explaining to people what I do.

Right. Right.

I run around in my underwear for a living.

But, yeah, cm punk's my code name.

Right. All right, so, I... well, I have a code. I have a name.

I have a wrestling name.

I'm the... the self hater."

I like it.

Yeah, I'm a heel against me.

Yeah.

I'm wrestling with myself.

You hate yourself.

Yeah. Just me.

You have demons.

I'll hit myself with a chair.

Yeah.

Yeah, do the whole thing... throw myself on the ropes.

I'd pay to see it.

Yeah, that's the way it goes.

But, you know, I know we do have a lot in common.

I mean, I think comedy, uh... stand-up comedy and wrestling are similar in the... the touring schedule and the nature of the type of entertainment we provide.

But I do think that we... we have similar issues.

I think you probably have issues with your parents.

Oh, God. How... how long of a podcast is this?

My mother once said to me, "I don't think I could love you if you were fat."

Ah, that's a terrible thing to say to a child.

Yeah, and she said it again two weeks ago. It's ongoing.

That's why... that's why I'm, like, nuts with, uh... with food.

I mean, that's why I have food issues. You have food issues?

Oh, if you're... if you're the self-deprecator, I am captain body dysmorphia.

Come on, man.

We're men.

You know, in my business, everybody's...

Yeah.

Everybody's yolked up, and they're huge bodybuilder types, and I'm not really that guy, so I really got to watch what I eat.

Yeah?

Lean meat...

Right, right.

...lot of vegetables, you know, egg whites...

Yeah, yeah.

...you know, I take it to extremes.

But it's just so mentally draining and sometimes physically draining.

Yeah.

You know, so I have to have, like, a cheat day.

A cheat day!

I do that, too.

Every cheat day, what I do is I stock up, I get all the stuff... the ice cream, the cookies, everything... and basically what I do is I challenge myself to k*ll myself with food in a 24-hour period.

And, once again, very similar.

Absolutely.

You... have you ever done a cheat week?

Because that is awesome.

I think you're doing it wrong.

W-w-well, don't judge.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hey, man!

[ Chuckles ]

I just went through two states at 130 Miles an hour.

It was amazing!

Have you ever done that?

W-w-w-what are you doing here?

I'm out, brother.

I'm free. I'm clear.

Wait. Wha... you're a scientologist?

No! Real clarity.

Sarah and I broke up.

Ugh! I'm done with the old me.

That... that me was dead inside.

This me is alive.

I have to pee.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Slow down. What?

I was gonna pee outside, because that's sort of who I am now, but out of respect for your neighbors and maybe your cats, I decided to wait.

Ooh! I think I'm beginning to pee now, actually.

W-w-well, go, go, go.

Maybe I'll go... just pee in my pants.

When was the last time you did that, right?

Just let it flow?

[ Laughs ]

Don't. Just go. Go.

Okay.

So, what happened with you and Sarah?

I thought you guys were solid.

Oh, yeah, it was mutual.

We both knew it was dead... just going through the motions.

I had no idea.

Oh, wow.

I guess I have to do a little more than pee.

Uh, keep an eye on my bag, will you?

Well, it's not the airport, but, yeah, I-I-I got it.

[ Grunts ]

Oh, now I can relax.

[ Sighs ]

[ "The poisoned well" plays ]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ You can't see ♪
♪ And you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

[ Ringing ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Hello?

Marc: Hi, mom. It's Marc.

Hi, Marc. I love you.

Uh, you're supposed to say that at the end of the conversation.

It's weird at the beginning.

You're so critical.

All right, look...

H-have you talked to Josh lately?

No. Have you?

Maybe.

Everybody's looking for him.

What does that mean?

I talked to his wife yesterday.

She's worried sick.

She doesn't know where he is.

What?

Yeah, she said he's been gone for two days.

She said he peeled out in their driveway.

You know what that means?

Wait, my brother's missing and you don't think to call me?

Why would I call you?

Because he's my brother!

Well, I didn't want you to be worried.

Aren't you worried?

Everybody's worried.

Sarah called the police.

They were at the house.

Oh, my God.

Uh, well, look...

I talked to him.

He said that he and his wife broke up.

I don't think Sarah knows that.

She just said he peeled out.

[ Sighs ]

All right, all right. Look... all right, he's here.

You can call off the police.

Keep him there.

I'm coming.

No, no. Don't...

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Don't come out here.

Hello? Hello?

[ Sighs ]

Come on.

What?

[ Cellphone rings, beeps ]

Hi, mom.

I love you.

I meant to say it at the end of our last call.

Thank you. Listen...

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Could you please not come out here until I figure out what is going on?

Could you do that for me?

Hello? Hello?

sh*t.

Hey, what is going on?

Who... who was on the phone?

Mom.

Did you tell her I was here?

Yeah, I told her, and she said that your wife said you just took off.

I peeled out of the driveway.

I heard.

I've never done that before.

It was like a movie.

It felt excellent.

What is going on?

Are you in trouble?

Whose money is this?

Where are you going?

Mexico.

What? Dude!

What the hell is going on?

I don't want to talk about it!

I'm doing what I want to do... finally.

Screw everyone else.

You sound like Dad.

I can't believe I'm eating this.

I was doing so good.

Ugh.

I'm so disgusting.

Yeah, I'm gonna save mine till tomorrow... cheat day.

I'm fat, man.

You're not fat.

I'm fat.

No, you're not.

What's this?

Skin, dude.

That's skin.

Why did mom make us so crazy?

Because she's crazy, right?

Come on.

[ Chuckling ]

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Give it to me.

[ Sighs ]

I love mom.

I'm on the fence.

Are you sure you want to sleep in here?

I can...

I can fix up the couch?

No, I don't want to be alone.

You'd just be on the couch.

No, this is good.

Okay.

[ Sighs ]

Are you gonna tell me what's really going on?

Okay.

Like, now?

Yeah, I will.

Listening.

All right.

Leave me alone.

[ Sighs ]

I got fired.

I couldn't find another job.

I was hiding it for weeks.

I'd get dressed for work and go to luby's in the morning, stay there through lunch and part of dinner, and it really is all-you-can-eat.

That sounds amazing.

It was.

Ah.

But I was ashamed and felt horrible.

Then I realized I could just leave... go.

I took all of the money out of my accounts and hit the road.

Best thing I've ever done in my life.

No. No, it's not.

I mean, it's not all your money.

It's your wife's money.

You can go to jail.

What about your kids?

I was tired of all of them... takers.

Takers?

People that need you?

Tyler's 12!

He doesn't need me anymore.

Jordan? He's 7.

He'll do whatever Tyler does.

I don't think you've thought this through.

Did you think to talk to anybody?

Uh, yeah.

I talked to Dad.

Why would you do that?

Because he's our Dad.

Yeah, but that's also why you don't talk to him, especially about big life decisions.

I know, I know.

[ Sighs ]

Can you sleep?

[ Sighs ]

Good night, brother.

Oh, what are you doing here?

Hey, Dad.

You get the money?

Oh, so, cashing in his bank account was your idea.

Of course it was.

This is a great business opportunity.

It's the number-one sport in the world.

No, no, no.

That's soccer.

Well, you can't rent out soccer balls.

Paddleboarding... you set up a kiosk on the beach escondido... it's a great place for it.

I did a Google.

Josh will run it, I'll sit on the beach.

Right, kiddo?

Yeah, Dad.

Hey, hey, y-you want in on this?

No, I don't want in on anything this family is involved with.

I think you're taking advantage of his situation.

He needs to go home, find a job, and tell his family what's going on.

He's gonna do what I told him to do.

I'm his father.

No, you're a lunatic.

Yeah, well, you're a buzzkill.

Oh, where'd you learn that term?

I keep up with the new jargon.

Hey. Hey, w-w-wait a minute. Wait.

No. Where you going?

You can't... hey!

That is not your money, Marc.

That's Josh's money.

That's his nest egg.

Josh: Yeah, what are you doing?

I'm taking it someplace for safe keeping until I can talk you out of this.

You sound just like your mother!

Oh, that's rich.

Don't listen to him, Josh.

This is the best thing we've ever done, right?

Right.

You're both nuts.

I'm nu... oh, you!

[ Sighs ]

Hey, what's up?

What's with the glasses?

Did you see my car out there?

You lost your car?

Uh, never mind.

Look, I-I need to stash this bag of money somewhere temporarily.

I was in the neighborhood.

I thought this might be a-a good place to...

I'm rethinking it.

I'm rethinking it.

Yeah, that's a good call.

What do you mean?

I'm just getting some really bad ideas.

Appreciate your honesty.

I'm gonna go.

Are there, like, hundreds in there?

Never mind.

I hope you find your car.

You want to go in on a boat?

No.

What? Mom!

What are you doing?!

I'm coming to see you.

That's not my house.

Well, it looks like your house.

No, actually, it doesn't.

This is my house.

I love you, baby.

[ Both groan ]

What's this?

What are you doing?

That's nothing.

I'm thin.

Your face looks puffy.

Whose backpack is that?

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God!

What have you done?

What are you talking about?

This is Josh's kid's.

It's filled with money.

I'm keeping an eye on it.

So I'm guessing your father's here.

Yeah.

Wait. What? Why?

I knew it.

Where's he living now?

Is he still in Texas somewhere?

No, that's his house right there.

[ Gasps ] Pathetic.

Okay, I don't want to see him.

Yeah, I-I don't want to, either, all right?

But we're to help Josh.

He's going through a rough patch, and... and Dad is leading him into it.

You know he is.

Mm-hmm.

What's he look like now?

He was pudgy the last time I saw him.

W-who? Josh or Dad?

Both.

Look, listen to me, mom.

There are bigger problems at hand.

Can you stop thinking about food and fat for five minutes and just be a mother?

Well, that's not very nice.

How do I look?

You look great, mom.

You look very thin.

I do pilates.

Good for you.

Hello? Dad? Josh?

Come on in.

They must be out in the trailer.

Well, go get your brother.

I want to see him.

All right, well, okay, but this is... it's about his life.

It's not about his weight, all right?

I just want to talk to him.

It's fine. Don't worry so much.

Okay.

[ Door closes ]

Mom wants to talk to you in the house.

Am I in trouble?

Yes.

You're in big trouble.

You do not have to go in there.

Will you tell her Dad said I don't have to come in there?

Just come in the house.

You stay out here.

[ Sighs ]

[ Footsteps approaching ]

Mom, what are you doing?!

I just bought that stuff.

You can't have this stuff in this house.

It's dangerous.

It's easier to become a fatty when you're older.

Yeah, but that stuff's on my diet.

Oh, you're not gonna understand.

I can't be in the same house with all of this.

Either it goes or I go.

Ooh, don't make me choose.

Ugh.

Hello, Joshua.

Come here, baby.

What happened?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Oh, my God.

Oh, you look better since the last time I saw you.

Oh, thanks, mom.

Why'd you screw everything up?

What? You... you mean, why did I take control of my life?

Look, why don't you just sit down?

I'll try to make us some dinner.

No reason to start trying now.

There you go.

Where'd this broccoli slaw come from?

I had it with me.

That's disturbing.

Don't be so judgmental.

Would either of you like any of my fat-free dressing?

No thanks.

No, that's disgusting.

So, Josh, tell your mother about this ridiculous plan.

Me and Dad are opening a paddle boat business in Mexico.

You're as crazy as he is!

Go home, Joshua!

Thank you.

Listen to mom.

You have a good life.

Everyone has problems.

They pass.

Just go home, Joshua.

You'll never do better than your wife.

She's beautiful.

Wait. Love doesn't even factor into it?

Oh.

[ Door opens ]

Oh, no.

Let me guess the topic of conversation... me.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, what's for dinner?

Here we go.

The madman is here.

I don't want to see you.

Well, you're looking at me.

Hi, Toni.

You look terrific.

You're so skinny.

Stop trying to charm me, you monster.

Frankly, I haven't talked about you for as long as I haven't spoken to you, and I'd like to continue doing both.

Ah, family dinner.

We haven't had one of these in 30 years.

What did you drag Josh into?

Only the most tremendous, life-changing business opportunity he's ever had.

This is so typical.

You'll never change.

That's why Josh had to go to community college.

W-w-w-wait. What?

Your father did the exact same thing you're doing.

He took all our money in cash and gave it to a guy who said he was building an amusement park.

He was a professional clown.

What happened?

Nothing.

Apparently, your father was the real clown.

The guy disappeared.

I was denied an education because of a clown?

[ Inhales sharply ] It's a tough truth to swallow, bro.

You were never a great student, anyway.

It all looked great on paper.

I mean, what am I gonna tell you?

This food is terrible.

You still have any of that awful dressing you carry around?

Thank you.

A clown?

Yeah, what is it with you?

Paddleboards, amusement parks...

I mean, what's with the recreation-based, bad-investment ideas?

They weren't all recreation-based.

They were all bad.

We had a lot of great opportunities, a lot of great business opportunities that we missed because of you.

Huh? The salmon farm?

Oh, because I didn't want to move to nova scotia?

You didn't want to move anywhere to support my dreams.

You destroyed this family!

Wait.

I think that was 50/50.

Why do you say such hurtful things?

Because it's the only way to get your attention.

That's why I have a rage problem.

Bah! Shut up!

All of you!

Can I talk?!

Is it my turn yet?!

I've waited 45 years to talk!

I screwed up my life!

I lost the best shitty job I could find!

I'm mentally doomed!

Look at all of you!

It's all your fault!

You're all disasters!

I don't want to be in this family anymore!

Ugh!

Waah-waah-waah.

What a baby.

That was childish.

Just let him cry alone.

I always did.

He'll be back.

See?

[ Grunts ]

[ Humming ]

I thought you threw that out.

I did.

I pulled it out of the trash.

Isn't it all melted?

Just the way I like it.

It's like a milkshake.

I hope that dummy didn't lose that backpack.

[ Knock of door ]

Just come in, Josh.

Hey. Oh, hi. Oh.

Oh, sh*t, Dave.

Hey, man. What's up?

Uh, nothing.

I'm... I'm supposed to be here, right?

Oh, yes. Yes.

That's what I meant to say.

Yes, you're... uh, good to see you.

Glad you're here.

Oh, for the pod... Cast.

Yeah, we're doing the podcast.

Okay.

Right. I knew you were coming.

Um, oh, before I forget, there's a grown man sitting on your yard, hugging a hello kitty backpack and crying.

Yeah, that's my brother.

Okay.

Yeah.

S-s-should we do any... no, don't worry about him.

Where do I know you from?

Uh... I don't know.

I've never really done anything that old people watch.

What do you mean?

He's in the movies?

I've never seen him.

See what I mean?

[ Chuckles ]

I'm sorry. Who? What?

Oh, it's... these are my parents.

This is my mom, Toni.

This is my Dad, Larry.

It's Dave cross... old friend of mine.

Oh, my God. Yes.

Oh, I've...

I've heard a lot about...

Wow, okay.

And they're still together.

That's rare.

Both: We're not together.

He's a monster.

I could go to my rv.

Yeah, well, good.

Why don't you just drive it off a cliff?

Psht!

Oh, nice. Quick.

Yeah. Boom.

That's where I get it.

[ Chuckles ]

Larry: [ Grunts ]

Toni: [ Chuckles ]

Well, you're not necessarily known for your quickness.

I mean, you're very funny, but you're not the quickest guy.

Hey, look, I-I'm sorry it was weird in there.

It's all right.

No, but I... no.

I'm in the middle of a situation, all right?

My brother is going through some sort of midlife meltdown.

He shows up here the other day with a bag of cash.

Is your brother okay?

I don't know, man.

I-I was trying to talk him off the ledge, and... and then, you know, they showed up, and now it's crazy town.

Like, I'm distracted, and, you know, I've been looking forward to you coming on.

And I don't know how long you're gonna be in town, but... but if we wanted to do another day... no, no, no, no.

Marc, no.

You... in fact, let's not do it another day.

Let's do it right now, and let's do it with your family.

Uh, really?

Dude, I come from Jewish-family crazy.

I can speak that language.

I can mediate.

I can take some of the onus off you.

You want to do, like, a group therapy session?

Yes, I do, and I have an idea.

Yeah? Okay, you have a plan?

I do.

All right, Dave.

All right, I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna... I'm... yeah, I think it's great.

I'm gonna go get them.

I'm psyched.

Okay.

The only way to cut through tension is with truth, yeah?

Marc: Mm-hmm.

Now, fortunately, I have brought along some tools that will help us with that.

Really?

Yes.

That... that's your big plan?

Yes, Marc, really, that's my plan.

Okay, okay.

I guess if they all want to, that's... all right, fine.

Yeah, okay.

Guys, this is weed.

Yeah, we know.

Or grass, I think you folks called it in the day.

Yeah, marijuana.

Yeah.

Okay, this is hindu kush, okay?

And it will really open you up.

The last time I smoked this, I came up with the term squeakquel."

[ Slow-tempo music plays ]

[ Music stops ]

What are you doing?

You know I don't smoke.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Yeah, sorry.

Uh, here.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

[ Larry sobbing ]

I'm sorry, kid.

I-I-I'm sorry.

Marc: On the Mike, Dad.

On the Mike.

I'm sorry, kid.

I'm sorry I misled you.

That's it?

That's all you got?

[ Sighs ]

I, um... I wish I could take it all back.

I-I-I do, but I can't.

I-I really can't.

I-I-I would like to say that I will ne... I will stop, uh, but I think it's a little too late, that's all.

It's, uh...

But I-I love all of you.

Holy sh*t.

They should call this weed truth serum.

How do you feel about that?

I think that's the best we're gonna get out of him.

And I think it was pretty good.

Yeah. Yeah, it's... it's just so sad.

I'm sorry, too, Josh.

I want everything good for you.

I love you very much.

I'd love you more if you lost 10 pounds, but...

That... that was... that was nice.

Not... not sure the... the last part was really necessary, but, you know.

You could lose 10 pounds yourself.

Yeah, welcome to my childhood.

How'd that feel?

How you doing, man?

This is probably the last time we're all gonna be together.

Ever.

I should go home.

What the hell was I thinking?

It happens, man.

You just got a case of Dad brain. It'll fade.

I love you, brother.

Thanks.

I love you, too, man.

[ Chuckles ]

Drive safe. Okay.

All right.

All right.

Bye.

Oh, where you going?

Your father's gonna show me his house.

I don't even know who to advise against that.

[ Chuckles ]