02x01 - Perfect Woman

[bunniefuu]

Well... Does it hurt when you pass water?

No.

Flow?

It's like I'm trying to run a bath, but someone's got a tap on in the other room. It takes ages. Righto.

I'm going to need more than "righto".

Daniel, what do you want from me?

Some help?

Dr Baxter is a very busy man, Daniel.

Look, why are you even here?

Well, you've nothing to hide from Auntie.

I've picked up your undies, remember. Hm.

Yellow at the front, brown at the back, just like a Battenberg, Roger.

They take you for granted, don't they?

They do. And it's not as if we haven't noticed that his tinkles take longer.

Eh, hound?

Dog in the surgery, that's OK, is it?

Pistachio is always welcome.

It's nice to have a male in the room that doesn't have faulty waterworks.

Unbelievable.

Daniel, you clearly only need reassuring.

Look, you probably have a slightly swollen prostate.

Quite normal in a man of your age.

What does he mean, a man my age?

Oh, what a fuss you do make.

Help me.

You want me to put my finger up your bum, don't you?

No!

Not if it's not necessary.
Well, that's the test.

Why do you want Dr Baxter to finger your bottom, Daniel?

I don't want it.
Right.

Pop behind the curtain, pull your pants aside and relax.

Aside?

All right, Charlotte, on you get.

Ashley, yeah.

Emma!

Emma. Hey.

Blimey, are you all right?

Yeah, of course.

How come you're out of breath?

You only ran from over there.

I'm fine. Sir, you've gone grey.

You've got a nerve talking about my face, son.

You look like the Angel of the North.

I would say come with us, but there are a lot of hills.

Oh.

And it would be awful if you had a massive fatal heart att*ck.

What's your nan wearing today?

It's just cos, well, you've got her clothes, so...

Prick.

Yeah, that's enough, thank you.

Get on the bus, you lot.

You need to start looking after yourself.

You wouldn't say that if you saw me down the gym.

I would pay money to see you at the gym.

Hey, Dan. Oh, God.

Coming along?

No, he's got a workout.

Yeah, right, good one.

Wobble, wobble!

I'll save you a seat, Miss Lipsey.

Hope you've been brushing up on your I Spy.

I have, Alistair.

Hm. How come you're sitting next to that knob?

You wouldn't sit next to me on the Burghley Castle trip.

Yeah, well, he doesn't fall asleep.

Your head weighs a ton.

What, and he's got a light head, has he?

Bye, then!

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh! Oh, hello, everyone!

I wonder who I'm related to!

Oh, good! Oh, no! Family tree!

What are you doing here?

Smoking you out of your nerd hole.

It's lunchtime.

Will you keep your voice down?

Oh, we mustn't talk in the library!

We must have a little mint that we get out of our pocket, where our tissue is.

Oh, family tree!

I've had a f*cking nightmare today already.

Baxter's put me on cock pills.

Seriously, I think it's the endgame, mate.

Shhh!

Do you know what my body looks like these days?

Looks like an inbred toddler has picked the pastry off a pork pie and squeezed the meat into what he thinks is the shape of a man.

Be quiet.

Maybe if you'd taken a single day of exercise in your life...

Oh, how should I get fit?

I thought I'd come down the library and look at my family tree.

You think you've had a bad morning?

The stuff the microfiche has thrown up has been... well, devastating.

I wonder if...

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Oh, can I have some books, please? Books are my friends.

Family tree! Oh.

Oh, hello.

I like the library.

What are you doing?

Oh, God.

What are you reading?

Oh, Market... I've read that.

It's got... It's got really good markets in it.

Bye.

Anyway, I'm going to get down the gym, hit it hard.

I'm going to cut out the carbs and I'll walk past that tool from maths and I'll lift a filing cabinet above my head and I'll go, "Yeah! Hi, Alistair!

Fancy a game of I Spy?"

And then, and here's the twist, Brian, I'm going to deliberately sh*t myself.

Could we, for once, not talk exclusively about you?

Hello. What can I get you?

What are you doing?

What's it look like?

I'm taking your order. Come on.

You work here?

Yes, obviously.

Come on, get a wriggle on. Order!

What the f*ck? Bob!

Shakira, hang on. I was...

Calm down...

Lovely little run, that.

What just happened?

Oh, that? An idea me and my careers adviser came up with. Stealth work.

Stealth work? Not a lot of jobs about, and my CV's rubbish, so, if someone leaves their post, bam! I'm in.

Until I'm caught, I'm employed, and it goes on the CV.

That was nine minutes of catering.

It's going to look pretty sweet on here.

It's creative.

It's madness.

No employer will be interested in a CV comprising a few stolen moments in someone else's job.

God! If I could just have one day off your stereo bullshit!

What is wrong with you, Tache?

You've been in a right egg since the library.

Doesn't matter.

Better get back to work.

He's right, no rest for the wicked.

Jo?

Excuse me, sir! You can't park there! Oi! Come back!

Shakira, do you think I'm fat?

As f*ck.

Are you Dan? Yeah.

You want a personal trainer, yeah?

Yeah, you know, I just thought I might tone up a bit.

How old? 43.

Tongue?

Nah. Nah, mate, sorry.

What do you mean?

You're too far gone.

I'm what?

You've slipped over the edge, mate.

I'm not a magician.

f*cking hell!

You must be able to do something.

If anything, I'd just make you worse. Hang on, look at this.

Er...

This.

This. All of this. This... This.

You're on cock pills, yeah?

No.

Yeah, you are. You're on cock pills.

It's all gone, mate, all of... this.

It's all gone all bad now.

Oh...

Oh! Hi. You're... You're from the...

The library.

Yeah.

Yeah, you, um... been to the old gym, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

I've just been getting back into the, um... kickboxing.

Getting back into that.

Oh, you're a kick boxer?

Oh, God, I used to be. Yeah.

I mean, now it's just a really cool way of keeping in shape, you know.

Do a round dose.

Your hair looks good wet. I mean...

..it would be good dry, it...

I like the wet.

In the '80s, we would all wear wet hair gel.

It made everyone look like a paedophile. I wasn't a paedophile.

Cos that'd be madness with you, cos you...

What are you?

In 1989, you would be what?

Two.

Two? f*ck me! I'd had three cars.

You're not going to give me your number, are you?

No, so...

Oh, yeah!

Look at it! Look at it!

Listen to some of the text banter we've had.

I said, "Fancy going out tonight, then?"

And then I said, "It's Dan, the tall guy from the gym."

And she didn't respond straight away, so I thought, "Ah, I'd better play it cool."

So, I said, "No biggie if you're not up for it. All cool."

And then straight off the back of it, I said, "I'm probably just going to go clubbing or whatever. Let me know."

And then she didn't respond, so in the end I said, "Look, are you getting these texts?

"We're heading into out-of-order territory here."

And then she replied.

She said, "Sorry, I was in the other room.

"Yes, I could come out. Sounds fun."

Mate, I'm old enough to be her dad and she said I sound fun.

Buy your own Flumps.

What is wrong with you?

Binmen.

What?

My ancestors were binmen.

I thought I'd come from a long line of financial advisers or something.

I thought I knew who I was.

And to find out like that, in the library of all places.

You've seen the binmen on our estate, barking at each other in a... a lexicon only they understand.

Pat Bellows next door complained - they just left an old fish on his lawn.

Anarchy.

To think I've got that blood coursing through my veins.

And yet...

Go on.

I can't deny some part of me finds it thrilling.

God, I'm so confused.

Go to them.

What?

I think I've found my happiness in Lottie, Brian, and it's... it's time for you to find yours.

Go to them.

Sounds like a cracking idea.

Oi! Oi, you!

These bloody cock pills are ridiculous.

I'm going off like a riot hose.

I'm waterboarding a rat here.

Exciting about Lottie, though.

She's amazing, mate.

So stressful, though.

Where do you take a young hipster?

I know just the place, really cool bistro in town.

Yeah? She'll love it.

I worked there, day before yesterday.

Sweet seven minutes 20.

Guys! Guys.

You'll never guess what they've got over there.

An old teddy strapped to a bin lorry.

Gary and Macca seem like really nice guys.

I told them all about my ancestors, and, get this, they've invited me along on their bin round later.

They do a night round.

Want to come over and meet the boys?

See the bear?

No?

I've ironed those clothes, Daniel.

Are you sure they'll fit?

You haven't worn them for years.

Mind your own business.

And can you not come in here when I'm in the bath, old woman?

I'm very excited about this new girlfriend. Does she like gardening?

Cos I could do her some cuttings.

She is a cool younger woman with a bod made for sin.

She doesn't want to join arthritic pottering club.

Yes, stop fussing, Polly.

What do I have to do to stop you both from coming into my flat?

I don't need you to wash my hair!

Why on earth would I want to wash your hair?

You said you wanted a new youthful appearance and it's all natural, none of your shop-bought rubbish.

I'm sorry? Sorry? Please tell me you haven't dyed my hair.

Well, of course I've dyed your hair!

You said you wanted to look younger.

Sometimes it's just good to freshen your look up, isn't it?

I... I just didn't recognise you at first.

No. Ha!

Ohh...

Uh-oh.

Here comes the 1950s.

Now, then, you two.

Welcome, welcome.

You've had a chance to peruse the menus, I hope?

Yeah, just two tequilas to get us going, please.

No, before we start, um... may I ask, er... how this sauce, er... came to arrive at your table?

Yes, I brought it over.

Two tequilas, please.

We don't help ourselves to condiments.

So, I'll pop that over here and, when you're ready, give me a little call and I'll bring it over.

Now then, drink?

Two tequilas, please. Ladies first.

That's how we do things.

Just a small Merlot, please.

Oh, cool, yeah.

Yeah, we should.

We should just ease into it.

That's so cool.

Yeah, I'll just have a pint, please.

We only do wine.

Yup.

A pint of wine?

Yes.

You want a pint of wine?

Yes, if that's all right?

Well, I'll have to open another bottle, but, er...

Man! What's his problem?

Ah, did you have a good day?

Yeah, yeah, thanks.

What did you do?

Just shopping.

Oh, shopping. Oh, wow.

Where... Where were you shopping?

Just at the market.

You... You bought some...

Just bought some vegetables.

Oh, veget...

I love veg. Mmm!

I love them.

Oh.

I ate a whole bag of potatoes once.

Oh, look out.

Oh, um... can we have some ketchup for our table, please?

You... You haven't got your food yet.

No, but you said if I wanted some...

Right! I felt a little bit uncomfortable with the pint of wine.

You don't need sauce on your table, do you?

Or do you?

You want your sauce when you've got your food!

I'll bring the condiments when there's food on the table!

I can't be making multiple journeys to your table when there's no food here!

When you've got your food, I'll bring your sauce!

But I won't do it before! I won't bring it to an empty space! I just won't do it!

Jesus.

Phew.

Cheers.

Mm. Mm!

Mm-mm-mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm-mm!

Ah.

Do you like potatoes?

Yeah, very good!

Nearly there! Whoa! Yeah!

Excellent work, Macca!

You reversed the hell out of that!

f*ck!

God, it feels good to let loose.

Did you see his face when I ordered that second pint of wine?

We're mad, aren't we, you and me, Lottie?

Oi, nice jeans, mate.

Have a bit of respect, son.

These are Hacienda originals.

You look like a 1980s snooker player.

Oh, yeah? See if you think that when I'm pilled-up on the dance floor later.

What's that?

Eh?

dr*gs?

He hasn't got no dr*gs, mate. Look at him.

I might have some dr*gs.

He hasn't got any dr*gs. He's about 50.

Yeah? Well, what are these, then?

Yeah, what are they?

What?

Ah, no, these... these are fine.

These are alpha-blockers.

They're for a swollen prostate.

I haven't got a swollen prostate.

Well, you're about the right age.

For your information, I've used that container to smuggle Es and poppers in.

So. And you've got a nerve, talking about my age.

You look like Tom Cruise's dad, his fat dad.

You look like Tom Cruise's fat dad.

Lottie, shall we?

Tom Cruise! Cocktail.

Oh, God. Of course you're working here. Best one yet.

I've been here two hours. No-one's batted a bloody eyelid. How's the date going?

sh*t, thanks to you.

That restaurant was rubbish.

It must have got bad after I left.

Sorry.

Free cocktail?

No.

I can't have any fluids.

The bouncers have got my cock pills.

Look at me.

I'm swelling up like a greedy bee.

I've got an idea.

No, no, you don't do anything.

Dan, trust me, yeah?

Problem one, you want Lottie to think you're cool, right?

Yes.

Problem two, you haven't got a drink.

No! I can't have any...

Oh, Lottie, this is my friend Jo.

Hi, Lottie.

Dan's a well good laugh, isn't he?

Special! Special! Special!

Special!

Special! Special! Special!

Neck it! Neck it!

Neck it! Neck it!

Ah, guys.

Small point, er... but I noticed that we left a few polystyrene curls on the road back there.

I mean, I know, technically, they should be recycled, but, er... we've just got to use our common sense here, right?

Don't want people saying we ain't making the effort to keep the place looking tidy.

Right?

Yorkie?

Mate.

All right?

Could I have those pills back?

I lied. They are for my prostate.

You hurt me.

Sorry?

You all right there, Terry?

This is him.

Well. You thoughtless man.

Tom Cruise's dad?

Fat dad.

Tom Cruise's fat dad?

I was embarrassed.

You thought you'd take it out on me.

Lovely.

It's his birthday an' all.

How would you feel, being likened to a 50-year-old's obese father on your special day?

I'm sorry.

Are you?

Are you sorry?

Yeah. Now, please, lads, can I have those pills?

I'm puffed up like Barbapapa down here.

You'll have a birthday pint with him first.

What?

Make amends.

Would be nice.

Oh, Christ.

Another thing, one time, he blew a massive bubble-gum bubble and it all went in my hair.

Wicked.

Bear with me.

You all right?

Yeah, yeah.

I hope Jo didn't say anything too weird.

No. Nothing weird.

I'm just going to go to the toilet.

Hi, guys. Let's get a bit old school.

New DJ, new vibes.

We're going back to the '80s.

Oh, my God!

Come on, Grandad! Let's conga!

f*ck off!

Your hips playing up, mate?

Do you want me to conga, Lottie?

Well, f*ck it! Let's conga, then!

Yeah, Macca. Bit of bad news, I'm afraid.

You're not supposed to block the air flow through the front grille of the old beast here.

I'm afraid old teddy will have to come off.

Er... yeah, guys.

Just saying to Macca, um... the bear at the front...

..guys...

Guys?

Just let... Just let me!

Er... just let...

Can I just...

No! No!

What the f*ck?

Oh, f*ck! It's happening!

No! It's happening!

Aargh!

Don't be too hard on him, Lottie.

He means well.

Yes.

If Brian was here, it wouldn't happen. Brian's the sensible one.

But it's good to have different types of friends, isn't it?

A lot of this is, um... just flush water from the urinal. It's...

Well, it's not all piss.

It's OK, I get it.

What?

Look at me.

You're not into this, are you?

I mean, how would I know? I don't know what you're into. You never say.

But you're not into this.

I would tell you what I was into, but you never shut up, you... silly lovely man.

Oh.

Lottie?

Yes, Dan?

What are you into?

That's it! Put them in the f*cking bag!

Aah!

Oh! Oh!

Spin them!

What?

Spin them!

What?

f*ck, yes!

How much are they? f*ck!

I don't know!

How much are your f*cking apples?

50p a pound.

Oh! Sell them to me.

Apples! 50p a pound!

Properly!

Apples! Get your apples!

Yes!

Aah!

Oh! f*ck me!

Oh!

Oh!

f*ck me, market boy!

I'm trying!

You dirty working-class bastard!

I'm not into this!

Has she gone?

She's gone, Nesta.

Please. Please.

Leave me alone.

I knew she was no good for you, young lamb like that.

You need a woman with proper hips.

Christ!

I think you should stick to wooing that nice Emma girl.

She's ever so sweet.

I mean, what do I have to do, to stop you both from coming into my flat?

Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Oh. Oh, well, there's one bit of good news.

Your prostate's still working OK.