06x12 - The 27 Club

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Dori, toss me the keys to recovery room 6A.

You see, Dori, rather than go on a trip somewhere unfamiliar and expensive, I've decided to go somewhere less unfamiliar and non-expensive -- right here at the hospital.

So instead of a va-cation, you're doing a... staycation.

...poor person's vacation, right.

Juice it up to 30cc.

Jimmy, give me two fingers on the artery.

Black guy, I need a millimeter on the compressor.

I'd learn your name if it made a difference.

Beth, where's the kidney?

It didn't make it here in time.

There's nothing we can do.

Oh, yeah? How 'bout we do "saving this little girl's life"?

(chuckles)

Whoo! Whoo!

Beep! Beep! (laughs)

(imitates a guitar solo)

I bike!

What's up, pedestrian?

I just had a pretty intense bike ride.

Hey, what's up, Owen?

How's it going? You, uh -- do you ride or what?

Do I ride?

Yeah.

Yeah, I ride.

I live to ride And I ride to live, so, yeah.

Well, cool, man.

Cool. We should, uh, you know, cut some pavement together.

Whatevs, just two dudes riding around as friends.

(laughs)

So funny. "Friends."

Oh.

But if you were serious, then I suggest you ditch the unicycle and get yourself a two-cycle.

I'm talking about a [bleep] bike!

(laughter)

And then he sewed him up.

(laughter)

Oh, Dr. Richie, You are truly this hospital's rock star surgeon.

Hey, man, I didn't say it. The times did.

So, Dr. Richie, any plans this weekend?

Oh, well, it's my birthday tomorrow.

So, I'm gonna be f-- my God, 27 years old.

Be careful, okay.

I'm mean all the great rock stars d*ed at 27 --

Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison.

Well, there's got to be some rock stars who live past 27.

I mean, what about Amy Winehouse, Brian Jones, blues legend Robert Johnson?

Nope.

How about Ron "Pigpen" McKernan, founding keyboardist of The Grateful Dead?

Not Pigpen?

Oh, no.

Mph!

I can't die tomorrow.

I have my whole two-thirds of my whole life left ahead of me.

(sighs)

Okay, here's an idea --

You know how if you never fall asleep, the days don't change?

I was born almost 27 years ago, not yesterday.

Of course I know that.

Right, right.

So, as long as you stay awake, you'll never turn 27.

I got to stay awake.

What am I gonna do?

Whenever I have to do a triple shift, I stay awake by taking high doses of amphetamine pills.

Yeah, but don't you need a psychiatrist to prescribe that type of thing?

A psychiatrist or a certain paramedic.

Okay, okay. I'm listening.

I can give you pills.

Here.

I'm with you so far. Go on.

That's it. That's your answer.

Might I order up a round of your famous cottage cheese, a side of jello sh*ts, and a small orange juice from concentrate.

I'm on staycation! Calories be damned!

(chuckles)

(breathes deeply)

Are you as bored as I am?

Excuse me?

I-I-I'm not very good at introductions.

At least that's what my wife Rita used to say before she passed away.

So, here goes nothin' -- Don Crawfield.

Uh, Lieutenant Donald Crawfield, 1st Battalion,

7th Marine Regiment, uh, Vietnam, in case you're keeping score.

Grandpa?

I'm right here, Timmy, just, uh, talking with a beautiful lady.

Look (sighs) Don...

I see what you're doing here, and I'll let you down easy.

I came here to get away from it all -- by myself.

Message received, ma'am.

Oh, Don?

Uh... I'm sorry about your wife... and about Vietnam.

That... That was a real boondoggle.

Hi. Um, excuse me.

Do you guys sell bicycles with two wheels here?

Thank you.

Oh!

Yo, brotha, whasuup?

Looking for a fiberglass horse.

What are those guys doing?

That's called getting serious about cycling.

Another thing it's called is "getting serious about sh**ting steroids "in your butt so you can get better at cycling."

That's a real mouthful.

That's why we don't say it that much.

I'm just looking for a bike.

Oh, look who decided to show up.

Yeah.

All right, Blake. I guess you are the real deal.

(scoffs)

You ready to get serious... about cycling?

(nervously) Yes.

("Bap U" by Party Favor plays)

(grunts)

(farts)

Whoo! Oh!

Come on!

(grunts)

Ha! Oh!

(stapler clicking)

Knock, knock. Who's there?

I made that sound because it's a curtain.

Timmy's asleep.

I thought I'd go take a walk, Maybe visit your gift shop.

Could use a wingman.

Fine, but only because they let me suck the helium from the balloon tanks there.

(birds chirping)

Ah, here's a good one. (chuckling) Yeah.

"Hoping you get well soon... because we're all sick of waiting."

(high-pitched voice) Now that is right on the edge of "just wrong."

Dark chocolate, 72%. You ever tried this?

(normal voice) I'm not insane.

I never go above 50%.

Then again, I -- I am on staycation.

Take a bite of this.

Me likey.

You are so bad.

You think that's bad?

(laughs)

(laughing) Yeah, man. I can breath fire!

I can breath fire, bro!

Yeah.

No.

Let's clip 'em in and do it up.

Clip 'em in.

Rippinin' it and clippinin' it.

(shakily) Whoa.

Yeah! Done. Bring in the next one!

Let's go!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. There is nobody left.

Hey, when did this happen?

Hours ago. Glenn, This is your 48th surgery today.

(laughs)

Maybe you should sleep.

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

(slow tempo music plays)

You're different from the kinds of girls I'm used to.

Maybe you haven't met that many girls with... amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

♪ My anxious heart has seen ♪

Grrr! Grrr!

Grrr! Two days in a row!

Yeah.

Oh! Oh!

Oh. (grunts)

Oh, sh**t!

I got to get more serious.

Ah. Oh.

(groans)

Blake, take it easy, man.

(grunts) I am so serious!

What are you talking about?

(grunting)

All right, man.

Don't do that.

No, come on, man!

It's $5,000 bike!

Bike! (grunts)

What the hell is wrong with you, Blake?!

What?!

You trashed my bike!

It doesn't matter, bro! We're friends.

You're out of control! We're not friends!

Let's go, guys.

Owen!

Bro-wen! I do this for you.

Look how hard-core I am!

Glenn! Never sleep.

Glenn, what are you doing?!

(crying) You don't know what it's like to be me.

You don't know!

You sit there in your fancy dress...

These are scrubs and I'm standing.

And you judge me?!

I'm a rock star!

I can eat more chicken than any man alive.

Mm.

(sighs, chuckles)

(gasps)

More.

(gasping)

What? Oh, hey.

Chief, I'd like you to meet --

Where's the chocolate? I-I-I need some chocolate.

Maybe later, Chief --

No!

If I wanted it later, I would have asked for it later!

Wouldn't i?!

I'm sorry, baby.

I just got a little crazy there.

On her death bed, my wife said,

"Find someone new."

But no other woman ever compared until I met you.

It's not about us anymore, though, is it?

It's about the chocolate.

Don't get all dramatic. Just give me the chocolate!

Oh, my God.

Nice to have met you, Chief.

(grunting, screaming)

(groans) I need one more squirt.

Oh, rock and roll!

I'll never sleep!

Aah!

Oh, hey.

You got your chocolate in my amphetamine.

You got your steroids on my chocolate.

You got your amphetamines in my steroids.

T-That's pretty good.

Huh?

Oh!

Oh!

(screams)

What do you know!

Hey! Wait a minute...

Did we accidentally discover a miraculous new compound?!

(all cheering, laughter)

Ah, the restorative properties are flawless.

No discernible side effects.

Fellas, I say we got a new drug.

With apologies and a tip of the proverbial hat to one Huey Lewis, of course.

Yes!

Attention, staff Congratulations to the three new co-presidents of Childrens Hospital.

("Psychic Kids" by We Are Wolves plays)

Ah. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

(laughs)

Whee!

(laughs)

Oh!

(laughing) Hey.

We're flying!

We're higher than God!

Yeah!

(slurring) That is some intense sh*t.

(groans)

(mid-tempo music plays)

Excuse me. Sorry, guys.

Um, Dr. Richie, I double-checked.

Uh, it turns out that rock stars die at 27, but rock star surgeons die at 45.

So you got a couple of decades left, plus.