02x05 - Dennis

[bunniefuu]

Push harder! Push! Push! Come on!

Why do I always have to be the alien queen?

Shut up, Robin, you girl!

Sir! Robin's being a p*ssy!

He's giving birth to a lizard, Dennis.

It's going to sting a bit, isn't it?

They've got those head spikes.

Is this going to help me get a job when I leave school?

No, probably not.

But here's a thought - being likeable might give you the edge.

Shut up, Karen! Drama is wicked!

Beard!

Not beard, Aaron. Drama is wicked.

Chinny reckon.

You don't chinny-reckon me.

He can beard me. That's his thing.

Don't even think about doing GCSE drama.

Why would I take this bullshit when I'm in the top stream for everything else?

Ho-ho! Itchy chin, you are, cos you've got a pushy mum.

Who thinks you're a knob.

I can see the head!

I can see the head!

Push it! Come on! Robin!

You p*ssy!

Mr Davies, can I see you a minute?

Well, can it wait? As you can see, Miss Lipsey, I have a class, so...

Er...

No, I'm kidding. Of course.

Carry on with the module, everyone.

And if the baby is born, don't trust Karen with it.

I hate you.

If you've called me out here to arrange sex, we're going to have to go to your stationery cupboard.

I've lost the keys to mine.

Dennis's uncle has had a heart att*ck.

Oh, God. When?

Last night. It's a worry because he's very close to him.

I know. He hero-worships him.

He told me he threw a Labrador on top of a shed once.

He didn't say why.

Has he been acting strangely?

'Push it out, lizard bitch!'

No, not at all.

This is the problem.

His uncle is in hospital, and we've just found out that his mum has broken her parole.

Again? Yeah, so there's no-one to pick him up.

He's going to have to spend the weekend with social services.

Oh, God.

I mean, they're just not allowed a childhood, some of these kids.

Are... are you sure this is a good idea?

It's all under control.

A lot of people think I'd make an amazing dad, and there's a reason for that.

I empathise.

Sir! Your car's sh*t!

Yeah? At least I've got a car, haven't I, mate?

What have you got? A kite?!

But, Dan, what are you going to do with him?

Social services are insistent on this two-adult rule.

Emma, it's sorted.

I had an idyllic childhood, and I'm not going to allow a broken society to steal Dennis's off him.

Maybe Alistair from maths would be too busy nibbling away on his tofu to give an orphan a lovely weekend.

But, hey.

Yeah, my second responsible adult.

What's going on?

I've got stuff to do. This outfit isn't designed for running.

I've just made a load of builders boo.

All right?

No, I'm busy.

Use your mum or Aunt Nesta.

Oh, that's a good idea, isn't it?

What shall we do tonight, Dennis?

Shall we watch an old lady drink her body weight in tea, or a different old lady punch a horse in the kipper?

Sorry, mate. The new company's really kicking off.

Execustress.

"Less stress, more success, in bizness.

"My card."

I have tried to tell you, that's not a saying.

You actually have to have a card.

Sir, can you just take me home and go out with your girlfriend?

I'm fine.

She's not my girlfriend, mate.

No. Although when he's drunk, he does say he'd like a go on my bangers.

Bangers means roller skates, Dennis.

I thought it meant tits.

And I wasn't drunk anyway.

I'd just had a tetanus.

Sir, it's weird staying at your teacher's. Can I just go home?

You must be Dennis! Ignore her, Dennis. Literally blank her.

Come on in! I've made some squash!

What's squash?

It's an insipid drink favoured by the elderly, Dennis.

It's like water that's been shown a picture of a lemon.

Take no notice of him, Dennis.

Daniel loves squash. I bring him one every night before his bath.

I pour it down the sink.

How old are you, sir?

That's it. It's important to really get him on edge.

Dennis, get away from her.

She's not like us.

Nesta is taking me on a hunt, sir.

Right, our day out is not going to involve going on some leather-faced maniac's wildlife genocide.

We're not hunting a real one, anyway, sir.

Sadly, it's not allowed these days, because Tony Blair wants to have sex with them.

So, Barry is our quarry.

Oh, right. And you're OK with this, are you, mate?

Course not.

Dennis.

Get your bike.

We're going on an adventure.

And where exactly are you taking him on this incredible journey?

We're going down the cafe.

Huh! Or would you rather stay here and ride Barry to ground?

Wicked! Let's get him doused.

I'm a person!

Um, what is...?

Oh...!

Is this fox piss?

Give that back to the boy!

Our rites-of-passage day will be innocent and heart-warming and impress the woman I want to have sex with.

Let the boy find his inner beast.

f*ck off. We've got plans.

It's going to be like Stand By Me.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Aaah! Aaah!

Aaah!

Dennis, we're leaving.

How?

What?

I hear you need a second adult.

And your mother is helping to knit a massive scarf for cancer today, so...

You monster.

Er... mate, do you deliver post?

Of course. Why do you think I'm dressed like this?

Let me finish. To St Martin's Drive?

Yeah.

Get your bike, Dennis, I'll go and change. The road trip is back on.

Oh.

This is what it's all about, Dennis.

Days of yore.

Just two kids on classic bikes.

Hey! Oggy, oggy, oggy!

Get f*cked, you paedo!

What bike is this, sir?

It's the legendary Raleigh Grifter, Dennis. It's sh*t.

What is wrong with you kids?

Remember to keep breathing.

Sweet.

Really nice, Peter.

Remember the Execustress mantra.

"Stress? Do one.

"Seriously, f*ck off!"

Are you actually qualified in t'ai chi?

I'm not making it up, am I?

Anyway, we're moving on to the next phase now. Controlled crying.

So, get out the bags I gave you earlier.

When stress builds up, it can affect people in a really bad way.

An uncle of mine once shat in a pram. So...

I'm really sorry, but I was wondering if I could go back to the office?

I thought this would help, but I... I don't think it is.

Peter, focus.

You are holding a scientific crying mixture.

Noses in... and breathe.

Argh! f*ck!

Aaargh!

Aaah!

Aaah! f*ck!

OK. I think I overcooked the turps again.

Oi! Put that away, mate.

The real adventure's about to start.

Hello.

Me and Dennis, we're going down the caff and that. Are you up for it?

No, of course not.

Hello, Dennis.

Nice shorts!

Come on, mate, it's going to be awesome.

It's going to be like the old days.

Plus, I want to show Emma what an incredible dad I am, and I need another adult with me.

Have you lost your mind?

And I'm painting.

You bloody square!

Shh. Keep it down, for Christ's sake.

Julia's asleep in the lounge.

Sorry, Dennis.

Brian's been grounded.

No, I haven't.

He's not allowed out.

Probably just as well.

He's got a sh*t bike.

He wouldn't have kept up with us anyway.

What did you say?

Sir's right. You really are boring.

Dungeons & Dragons is not boring.

A lot more rewarding than this neon nonsense. I mean, it's...

sn*per! sn*per on the roof!

God. That must have been his jugular.

Here we go.

Milk?!

Whole lotta bottle!

Nothing like it, was there, Brian?

Glass of the white stuff.

Gear us up for an adventure.

Oh, I feel like a kid again.

Oh, look what I bought, Dennis.

Guess who's back in town, Brian!

Oh, God.

Bubble gum?

Tell him what they used to call me.

They used to call you Dan.

I presume you're referring to the name you gave yourself?

Which was?

Daddy Big-Bubbles.

D to the B!

Remember that one I blew at school?

Yes, because I had to cut it out of Jo's hair.

It was f*cking massive, Dennis.

Why do you remember it?

I remember all of my awesomeness from school. Honestly!

You want to be careful, mate.

We might have a game of Table Of Squash later.

What's Table Of Squash?

I used to push this idiot into tables of drinks in the canteen.

He went down like a pasty Bambi.

Ah, see!

The old people aren't so boring now, are they? Ah.

Did you used to have a laugh at school, Shakira?

I'm not your f*cking friend.

Nightmare.

Everyone's dropped off the course.

No way!

Yeah. Peter almost got hit by a car, running away.

Making good progress as well.

I thought they were ready for level three.

Remember this?

Oh, my God!

The furry periscope.

The furry periscope.

Oh, no.

Brian, are you in or out?

I'm out.

This was bloody irresponsible when we were at school.

I'll look after Dennis' game.

I need to save some battery!

Well?

OK, guys, inside this building are filing clerks.

They are extremely angry with how rubbish their lives are.

We're here to push them over the edge.

There are two ways they can get to us when they cr*ck - via the corridor and the east rear doors, which, if memory serves me right, Brian, that's a... 35-second run.

One round, then we take a quick rest for a couple of levels on Dennis' game, right?

No!

Selfer.

35 seconds sounds like a lot of time. It isn't.

Now, remember, if a soldier is de-parka-ed, he never identifies the others.

It's like Fight Club.

It isn't. Break!

This is insane.

OK, everyone, let's do this. One...

Actually, I think I'm out.

Take short, sharp breaths, Brian.

Own the tension.

..two... three... go!

Argh!

Hold.

Hold.

Hold...

What the hell are you doing?

Hold.

Get away from here.

Break!

Ooh! Pie break!

Ridiculous.

I told you it would be a rush.

Are you buzzing, Dennis?

What's the point of this, sir?

Repo!

One, two, three, go!

Oh, my God, Peter. Peter?

Peter!

Ah!

Why have we stopped? I've just told Julia I'm heading home.

Look.

Remember this? Box Hill.

Of course I remember it.

It was humiliating.

You almost made it, though, didn't you, Dan?

- Very nearly.

- What is it?

Dan was being chased by Geoff Doogan and decided the best course of action would be to ride down the sheer face of this hill.

And I almost made it.

It was incredible, Dennis.

You reminded me of that guy dressed all in white. What was his name?

Evel Knievel.

No, Ryan Tilley.

Worked at the dairy.

Excuse me! You didn't almost make it.

You got about 20 feet and then you came off and crushed your testicles on the crossbar of your Chopper.

And who had to spend five hours with you in A & E? Muggins.

Well, the world would be a pretty dull place if we were all like you, wouldn't it, mate?

Yeah. The world needs adventurers.

A push-bike isn't designed for extreme hill descent.

If you'd spent a little more time listening in physics lessons and a little less time drawing pictures of Yogi Bear fellating himself, you might have known that!

What's that?

At last, some innocence!

You'll find out about all that in good time, you cheeky young scamp.

I know what that is, for f*ck's sake! What the hell's Yogi Bear?

See what I mean?

It's a ruined generation.

It's a bored one.

We could go to Pea-head Stanley's house and throw stones at the window.

Old man Stanley was 80, 30 years ago.

Brian, we are having a great day out!

All right, we could, um... could, um...

Knock down ginger!

Yes! No!

Brian, it's the ultimate test of nerve.

There's a lot of stress in the group. We need to manage this.

I'm a 40-year-old financial adviser.

I'm not playing knock down ginger.

Get that away from me.

What are we doing now?

I'm going to go down here and knock on this door and we're all going to run away.

I'm not being funny, but you three must've been the biggest losers at your school.

Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.

No. No!

Get ready.

Hello. Come on in.

Oh. Oh, no, we were just...

Come on. Tommy's missus is about to say a few words.

But...

Come on!

♪ Bring 'em on, bring 'em on ♪
♪ Bring 'em on ♪
♪ Bring 'em on ♪
♪ Bring 'em all on down to the Lane! ♪
♪ Up the Blues! ♪

Oh, my God.

Remember.

Today is all about family.

Tommy loved you all like you was brothers and sisters.

You remember his words?

"We all look after each other.

"If anyone disrespects our family, we cut their f*cking faces off!"

Yeah! Yes!

She seems well upset.

Almost stressed.

No.

Looks like Execustress's work isn't finished yet, boys.

Stay here, you clown.

They're psychopaths.

Friends of Tommy's?

Yeah... yeah.

Yeah, yeah, big-time.

Yeah? How did you know him?

From, er... down the old, er... down the old matches down the Lane.

I f*cking love the Lane, you know.

Anyway, who are you, son?

I'm his brother.

I don't remember him going down the Lane with a lanky streak of piss.

Well, he sat next to me, so...

Yeah? Even in the '90s?

Especially in the '90s. Glory days.

When Tommy was in prison?

Now, then, we don't want any trouble.

Who the f*ck are you?!

Eh!

Surely, you... you recognise Tommy's cell-mate?

What? Tommy didn't do bird with a posh prick!

Hey, have a bit of respect.

What were you in for?

Well, f*cking tell him.

TV licence?

Well, yeah.

The adverts are right.

They really will get you.

OK, that's it. Boys!

Unwanted guests!

Here, you're Donnie, ain't ya?

Maybe I am, yeah. Is that good?

Donnie, big mate of Tommy's.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah!

Donnie! It's Donnie!

I f*cking told you, you muppet!

I've a good mind to make you smile for ever, you... you c**t!

Sir, what's going on?

I'm bored shitless.

Why is he calling you sir?

Well, cos he knows he'll get a clump if he doesn't.

He's got a bit of respect since I threw his Labrador on top of a shed.

But you know Donnie. Ooh!

Do the thing then, Donnie.

What thing?

Oh! Donnie!

You did the party thing!

Do the thing!

I don't think he should do the thing today.

Shut the f*ck up, shorts.

I can't do the thing at his funeral.

Do it.

Do it!

Do the thing!

Do the thing!

Do the thing! Do the thing!

Do the thing! Do the thing!

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do the thing.

Do the thing!

I'm gonna do it.

Do the thing!

I'm gonna do the thing.

I'm gonna do the thing.

Do the thing! Do the thing!

Uh-huh!

Do the thing!

Uh-huh! I'm gonna do the thing.

Uh-huh, yeah...

Do the thing! Do the thing!

Do the thing! Do the thing!

Do the thing!

Arrgh!

She's put f*cking curry powder up my schnoz!

It's... it's science.

Who the f*ck are you people?

Guys, listen...

Table Of Squash!

Where are ya?

f*cking come out!

Where are you? f*cking...

Come on, boys!

Let's have 'em!

We'll have 'em!

Keep your eyes peeled wherever they are!

OK, that's it.

Oh, come on. It was fun.

It wasn't fun.

It was bloody dangerous.

I think I've bruised my ribs.

Dennis, pass me the game.

No! Get your own game!

Guys, we've had a difficult time.

I think we should do some stretches.

Oh, Jo, we are not on your bloody course!

We're having a fun day out.

OK, Dennis, we're going to go up the vicarage and nick some apples.

Why? Cos it's fun!

We're having a fun day!

Brian, have you still got that magnifying glass you used to have?

We could burn some holes in leaves.

I'm going home.

You're not going in? I'm already in trouble. I'm going in.

Brian! Just because he won't let you play on his game?

You go in, you're not hanging out with us any more! I mean it!

Fine! I don't want to hang out with you anyway!

Peter!

Oh, no.

What have you done to yourself?

No, please!

Wait, I can help.

Jo, no! The two adult...

I can help you, Peter!

Keep away!

The two-adult rule.

Pretty rubbish day, eh?

Nah, it was OK, sir.

I don't suppose you'd tell Miss Lipsey it was the best day of your whole childhood, would you?

I suppose.

And just a thought.

Maybe you could, like, if it doesn't seem too over the top, you could tell her I'm like the dad you never had.

I...I mean, it's up to you.

Sir...

Just... try calling me Dad.

Sir!

You disrespected my fella's funeral, you bubble-blowing prick!

Dead meat!

Ride, Dennis!

Ride! Ride!

Come on, boys!

I'm sorry, Dennis.

I did my best by you.

Come on! Come on!

They won't hurt you. I'll face them.

Yes! Come on!

It's doable.

What?

We can get down on this, even on these sh*t bikes.

No! Dennis!

Yeah!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Get away from me!

I'm trying to help you!

Leave me alone! Peter!

Breathe into this bag, Peter!

Just leave me alone!

Oh! Ooh! Oh!

Peter! Aaargh!

Oh!

w*nk*r!

Leave him alone! He ain't worth it.

Oh! Oh!

Peter!

Please! Please just leave me alone!

All right.

Stay away from me!

Good.

Peter!

OK.

That was my mum, sir.

Huh. My uncle's fine.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, good.

I think I might go home.

Yeah.

Aargh! Aaargh!

You can run, Barry, but you can't hide!