01x05 - Big Gay Wedding

[bunniefuu]

All right, thanks for lunch, hon.

I'll -- I'll see you at home.

That's it?

Well...

Aren't you gonna tell them the good news?

What? Tell us what?

My mother d*ed.

Um...Yay?

For 40 years, I had to call Buzzy my roommate.

And now that she's gone, my roommate can finally make an honest woman out of me.

Oh, my god. You guys...

Buzzy put a ring on it.

♪ It's time to show the world what they've waited for ♪
♪ something like they've never seen before ♪
♪ whoa, we're just getting started ♪
♪ just getting started ♪

Buzzy promised that once she passed that he'd propose.

And after that house landed on her and her little legs curled up, he did.

A promise is a promise.

[Smooches]

All right, see you at home.

Okay.

Yep.

Okay, somebody k*ll me.

What's the matter, Buzz? You don't want to get gay-married?

Or, as a human would say it, "get married."

We're fine now, but it's important to Tommy, so...

If you don't want to get married, you definitely shouldn't do it.

Ah, it's fine.

Mo: Oh.

You're worried that getting married will make you lose interest in each other -- sexually.

No.

My blood can barely make it to my heart.

Well, I think it's wonderful, and that's coming from someone who just stopped believing all gay people were going to hell a year and a half ago.

Thank you, Joy.

Hey, Ben, uh, I was wondering if I could have the ceremony in here.

Tommy wants to do it this weekend, and the price is right.

Well, we haven't really discussed prices yet, so...

Because it's obviously free, you horrible, small man.

Fine. All right.

You can have your gay wedding in my shop.

Again, just "wedding."

Ooh! We could have the bachelor party on the roof!

I'll plan the whole thing, and I'll do it on a shoestring.

I planned my own wedding, you know.

Joy, let me help you out with that.

No, it's okay. I can handle this little thing.

I'm not really... Convinced of that.

You know, your wedding, you got a little, uh...

[Inhales sharply] How can I put this?

Bat-sh*t crazy?

Yeah.

I did not get bat-swear crazy.

I pulled off a wedding with 300 guests and a five-course dinner and three dozen live doves.

Which were released into a church with 15 ceiling fans.

That was what it sounds like when doves cry.

♪

All right.

Ooh. One chair.

Hard to have a business meeting in here.

Maybe we should have it next door at Travis'.

No, we can't have a business meeting at a tattoo parlor, all right?

My office is fine. It's absolutely fine.

Um...Let's -- yeah. All right. Here.

Travis, you sit over here, buddy.

Come on. Right there. Let me just get by you.

Okay.

Uh, I'll sit at my desk, obviously.

And then, Mo, there's plenty of room behind me.

[Clears throat]

Nice office, Ben. [Chuckles] One question.

If we're here, where are all the mops?

[Laughs]

All right, so, Travis, you called this meeting so we could -- okay. Mo, what is this? A fed-ex office?

I can feel your package up against my elbow.

I'm sorry. It's a small office even without the mops.

Yeah, well, tuck it in or something, all right?

I feel like I'm leaning against a dog toy.

Back it up. Back it up.

Feel like it's about to squeak or something.

All right, so, um --

[clattering]

Sorry. Sorry.

I told you not to put the marbles in there.

Come on. Let's hurry it up.

Hurry it up.

Got it, got it, got it.

[Marbles rattle]

I want to merge our businesses, all right?

We can connect my tattoo parlor with this barbershop, and all we have to do is tear down the wall between our shops.

Look, Travis, there's clearly crossover between your clientele, but there would need to be blueprints --

Mo. Excuse me.

I'm handling this.

I mean, obviously, there'd need to be blueprints, and...

Yeah, you'd need to get the, uh, owner of the building to sign off and the city --

Mo. Excuse me.

You know what, Travis?

Could you give us some privacy for a second?

Sure.

Psst.

Charmaine, what are you thinking of wearing to Buzzy's wedding?

These clothes and this expression.

Why are you the only person who's not excited about this?

I just don't get why they have to get married.

They already have a good thing going. Why ruin it?

What do you have against marriage?

It's just an outdated tradition kept alive by white girls with wedding-themed pinterest pages.

No offense.

Ha! You think I have one of those?

Yeah, right.

If I did, it would just be as a joke.

You know I'm only kidding with that page, right?

Eight pins is not that serious.

Fine. But you heard the man -- he doesn't want to get married.

Why you piping in with all this negativity, Mo? Huh?

You're supposed to be my hype man, all right?

I'm biggie smalls. You're P. Diddy.

I was just offering my opinion.

Yeah, well, that's not what Diddy does, all right?

Biggie raps. Diddy encourages him.

"Yeah. Uh-huh.

That's right. That's right."

Well, sure, but Diddy went on to be very successful in his own right.

I mean, Sean John dominated the urban jeans market for years.

Yeah, when biggie was dead, all right?

By all means, when I'm gone, spread your wings, make your jeans, okay?

But until then, I need you to have my back.

Okay?

Yeah.

Are we cool?

Uh-huh.

You got my back?

That's right, that's right.

You know, Travis, these blueprints aren't half bad.

Blueprints?

It's lipstick on a napkin.

And how can a tattoo artist be so terrible at drawing?

Lipstick isn't my medium.

I feel like you see my vision but [Clicks tongue] he doesn't.

It doesn't matter. I'm in charge around here.

Look, let me take a look at these some more, all right?

And then we'll have a drink later.

Right on. All right.

I'll be at the silver cougar in Wellesley.

All the finery is over 50.

How is that hot?

Desperation and gratitude is a potent mixture, mi amigo.

Adios!

[Sighs]

What?

I don't like where this thing with Travis is going.

Okay. Come here, buddy. Come on. Come sit next to me.

Come sit next to Benny. Come on.

Pop a squat.

Pop a squat.

[Sighs]

Mo?

Look at me.

There he is.

Look, I know what's going on here, all right?

Travis and I are connecting as businessmen, and -- and -- and that threatens you because you think we're gonna become friends.

But, hey, I understand. I understand.

But listen to me.

I would never let anyone change our friendship.

Okay?

You will always be the Robin to my Batman.

I'm not mad about Travis.

I'm mad about you.

You always treat me like a sidekick.

Oh, come on. That's not true.

"Robin"? "P. Diddy"?

The other day, you said you were Sherlock and called me your Lucy liu.

Well, that's a compliment. She steals the show.

I am sick of being treated like a number two!

Double meaning intended!

It's been like this since grade school. You never listen to me.

All right, see, now you're being ridiculous.

Am I? Look at this thing with Travis.

Why won't you listen to anything I say?

Because I'm a businessman and you're a barber, and that came out wrong.

And there it is.

Good to know that's what you think of me.

Okay. Look, look, look. I've said something, all right?

And now you're getting emotional.

Do not treat me like a hysterical wife.

I am not a hysterical wife!

Mo, you want to sit down, and we can talk about Th--

I'm not talking to you anymore, Benjamin Hershel Grossman!!

And do not call me, 'cause I will not pick up!

Mo, we've been over this. The door -- it doesn't -- it doesn't slam!

Okay, please start making your way to the roof, and do not make me ask you again, because I'm up to my ass in wedding prep.

Go for Joy. That's right.

What do you mean you don't have penis-shaped balloons?

Haven't you ever thrown a wedding before?

All right, can someone please stop Joy from turning my casual wedding into "Rupaul's drag race"?

Yeah, I'll go talk some sense into her.

And I will go watch that not work out for you.

You've been awfully quiet.

Yeah, about that -- I wanted to say...

...congratulations.

Wow. That sounded like it was from the bottom of your heart.

I'm sorry, but you don't want to get married.

You just used Tommy's mom as an excuse.

Yeah, I always thought she was too mean to die.

But it's important to Tommy.

To Tommy.

Look, you and me, we're a couple strong, black women.

Give me one good reason why you want to get married.

Well, married couples get two-for-one hot wings at the pit stop.

Actually... That's about all I got.

It's just like we always say.

There are two types of people in this world -- people like you and me and assholes.

[Chuckling] That's true. We do always say that.

Mm-hmm.

And people like you and me don't do things just because they're supposed to.

You really don't think I should get married, huh?

Trust me, girlfriend -- bad things happen when people get married for the wrong reasons.

Guys, it's really not that big a deal.

I go home, I explain to Tommy I don't see the point in getting married, and everything will be back to normal.

I don't know, buzz. He sure seemed excited.

I'm gonna agree with Mo on this one.

Doesn't anyone agree with me?

I just said I agreed with you.

Anyone at all?

Are you sure you don't want to think this through a little bit more, buzz?

What's there to think through?

The man came to his senses and changed his mind.

You know, it would be a shame to let all the stuff upstairs go to waste, Buzzy.

Why don't we all just hang out for a while before you go home?

I kind of want to get this over with.

There's a full keg of beer and barbecue.

Well, I could stay for a minute.

Hey. don't let him leave. Tackle him if you have to.

Yeah, you're not too familiar with the basic laws of physics, are you?

Just keep him up there.

If Charmaine can talk him out of getting married, she can talk him back in.

Okay.

You know you have to fix this.

This is your fault.

I did fix it.

This is what Buzzy really wants.

I know him better than any of you.

[Scoffing] Oh, really?

Why do you think Buzzy and I have always been so close?

Because you both say mean things and I hope you're joking but I never really know?

Because we're family. We get each other.

We're both outsiders. Gay is the new black.

Now trans is the new gay, and pretty soon, ugly's gonna be the new trans, but that's down the road a piece.

[Door opens]

Sorry to disturb you ladies, but there's been a complaint.

Joy, the stripper's here! don't --

I'm not a stripper. I'm a real cop.

Uh, you're a stripper, those are tear-away pants, and that nightstick is a Bluetooth speaker.

Can't you just play along?

I've got a whole thing I do before I tear the pants away.

Look, the bachelor party got canceled.

Great. I waxed for nothing.

Do you ladies want me to -- oh, no, no, no, no. No, we're good.

How much for one dance?

Oh, I've already been paid for the hour.

I got a credit-card number from...Ben Grossman?

Danni, give me some $1s from the register.

Well, I better go home and have this conversation with Tommy.

Oh, no, no. You can't leave.

Why not?

Because...

I am having a personal crisis that only you can help me with.

About what?

How do you know...

...if -- if...

If you're gay?

Well, can you name every winner of "American idol"?

No.

Do you enjoy Bloomingdale’s at Christmas?

No.

How do you feel about a penis hitting you in the face?

Yeah, I-I do not like that.

Okay. You're not gay.

No, no, but, buzz, I'm -- I'm having thoughts -- thoughts and feelings about dudes doing sex stuff to each other, and I need you to talk me through it.

What's it supposed to feel like to know that you're gay?

It feels like you're attracted sexually to other men.

I don't understand what that means, buzz.

I-I-I don't know.

Is there a way that you could maybe explain that to me differently that...Takes longer?

Sure.

Have a seat.

You know, when I came out, a friend of mine shared something with me that was very powerful.

I'd like to share that with you now.

Oh, that's great. What is it?

p*rn.

I don't think that that's necessa-- no, it's the only way to be sure.

You're gonna like this first one.

It's about sports.

Now, the coach here is very disappointed in Antoine's practice habits.

Sure.

Hey, guys, what are you -- okay, then. See you later.

[Music plays] Ahh! Ah-ha-ha!

Okay, fine. All right? Whatever.

You and Buzzy are BFFs.

But that's no reason to ruin what could've been a beautiful experience for him.

Hey, I feel like little girls like you grew up with a different view of marriage than little girls like me!

[Laughing]

I love weddings.

Hey! Kyle! Less yapping, more Booty-clapping.

Oh. I wish I could make it clap.

Actually, tragic Mike, I could use a break.

Ride that little pony for a while.

Charmaine, I don't thi-- ohh. Okay. [Chuckling] Here he comes.

Yeah!

W-what do you mean little girls like me?

We went to the same high school together.

Unh!

We took driver's ed together.

You lived a block away from me.

Oh! You know what, officer? Could you please stop?

It just touched my head.

Thanks. My knee is k*lling me.

[Music stops]

I also teach at spin for your life on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

What?

Go on. I'm not even here.

Danni, I'm talking about my life before I got adopted and moved here.

My biological father only married my mom because she got pregnant with me.

That's exactly like my friend Marco.

And anyway, he only did it 'cause he was supposed to, so it didn't last.

When he took off, she fell apart.I never saw her again after that.

Charmaine, I didn't know that. That's horrible.

Right?

Girls need moms.

Dude, we are not experiencing this together.

Fine.

[Singsong voice] Rude!

Within a year, I was in the foster-care system, and I stayed there for 10 years.

So you want to know why I have a problem with people getting married for the wrong reasons?

That's why.

Look, I totally get that, and I'm so sorry it happened to you.

But nothing you said is about Buzzy, is it?

Um... The bathroom's locked.

Is there, like, a spoon with a key on it?

'Cause when my sweat dries, I get super-cold.

Now, see how these two guys are playing naked leapfrog?

Yeah. And thank you for pausing it.

Yeah.

Buzzy, can we talk?

Oh. Yes, please.

I'm gonna go try and find a boob to look at.

Sure. What's up?

Buzzy, do you love this meter maid?

Yes! For a very long time.

Are you gonna stay with him until one of you is dead?.

Promise?

Yeah. Why are you asking me all this stuff?

I've been a bad friend.

Instead of being happy for you, I let my own sh*t get in the way.

Ohhhh.

Of course you did, sweetheart.

Look, I know you better than you know me.

I'd like at least one happy marriage in my family.

Well, that's good, 'cause I already decided to go through with the wedding, and I'd like you to be my best man.

Yes, please!

Ha ha!

[Sighs]

What made you decide to do it?

Well, I had about five beers, watched a little p*rn...

[Chuckles]

[Soft music plays]

Oh! Ooh!

Look at the glitter!

Look at that.

This is nice.

Now, this is a new low -- two queers getting married before any of us?

Yeah. Well, I got one for you b*tches.

I was married once.

All: What?!

Yeah, that's right.

Remember Larry from dunkin' donuts?

The one with the foot-long cruller?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, we married in Atlantic city when I was 18.

Oh, well, thanks for the invite, Rosalee.

Oh, well, thanks for the Mexican birth control, Rita.

Sweet story.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey, Mo.

Hello, Ben.

You're looking well.

Thanks.

You too.

Um, listen.

Mo, you're the only friend I've ever had who ever treated me like a big sh*t, even when no one else would.

This is for you.

It's my way of saying sorry if I ever treated you like a sidekick.

You know, because...

You'll always be my superhero.

Permission to cry, commissioner Gordon?

We could really use one more rehearsal.

Oh, yeah? Would it help you if we postponed the wedding to next weekend?

Yeah. It'll give me time to --

Are you freakin' kidding me?!

You know you're just a stripper who was in the right place in the right time and get to *** a wedding.

Now get out of my face!

What?!

Oh, sorry.

Hi, Danni.

I just wanted to say you did a great job.

Oh.

Everything's perfect.

Thank you.

I tried to keep it simple for Buzzy.

But you had to make Tommy happy, too.

I did.

Okay, everybody, get ready for the big gay dance number!

Tammi Terrell: ♪ you're all ♪
♪ I need ♪
♪ to get by ♪
♪ ah, ahh ♪
♪ you're all ♪

Marvin Gaye:♪ like an eagle protects his nest ♪
♪ I need ♪
♪ for you, I'll do my best ♪
♪ to get by ♪
♪ stand by you like a tree ♪
♪ ah, ahh ♪
♪ and dare anybody to try and move me ♪
♪ darling, in you, I found ♪
♪ strength where I was torn down ♪
♪ don't know what's in store ♪
♪ but together, we can open any door ♪
♪ oh, baby ♪ ♪ just to do what's good for you ♪
♪ come on, darling ♪
♪ and inspire you a little higher ♪
♪ I know you can make a man ♪
♪ out of a soul that didn't have a goal ♪
♪ 'cause we, we got the right foundation ♪

***

♪ you're all, you're all I want to strive for ♪
♪ and do a little more ♪
♪ you're all, all the joys under the sun ♪
♪ wrapped up into one ♪
♪ you're all, you're all I need ♪
♪ you're all I need ♪
♪ oh! ♪
♪ To get by ♪

[Cheers and applause]

You know what the worst thing about this reception is?

All the cute drunk guys are gay.

And my bedroom is right through that window.

So, what's it gonna be, Ben? We gonna merge?

I can't think of a better way to celebrate a gay wedding than to stick my business all up in your business.

Okay, there is no way you were invited.

Travis, I've made my decision, and, uh...

I want to do whatever Mo wants to do.

Aw, Ben. I don't need to be Batman.

I just need to know that I can be Batman if I want to.

Thanks, Mo.

All right, let's do it.

Oh!

Mo!

No.

What? I'm sorry. It's a bad decision.

You said you had my back.

Yeah, I'm protecting you for doing something stupid.

Oh, now you're just undermining me.

No, you're undermining yourself.

No, you're undermining me.

You know what? Forget it.

I could never deal with this every single day.

Well, congratulations.

You two are officially the gayest couple here.

All right, can I have everyone's attention?

To Tommy and Buzzy, for finally making it official after 42 years together.

I sincerely hope you've not been saving yourselves for marriage.

[Laughter]

♪ You're all I need ♪
♪ oh! ♪
♪ To get by ♪