03x11 - Steel-Johnson

[bunniefuu]

Thanks, buddy.

Oh, what do we got? What do we got?

Got a box, buddy.

Is it vinyl? Think it's too light for vinyl.

Maybe a tube amp. Is that possible?

Watch your face. Watch your head.

Watch your ears. Watch your paw. Got a Kn*fe her...

No, that was too close, my friend.

What the hell?

Double cheese noodle? What?

Tennis balls.

What is... Medicine?

Pickles?

"Marc, hope you enjoy this special gift box from Steel-Johnson, the makers of almost everything.

Steel-Johnson. We're already inside you."

What?

Oh, look.

[toy squeaks]

Here, unwrap it.

That's part of the fun.

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ You can't see ♪
♪ And you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

Yeah, what's up?

Josh: Hey, bro!

Did you get the awesome swag box?

Yeah, I got a box from Steel-Johnson?

That's where I work now.

I was tracking the package.

I got pretty excited when I saw that it had been delivered.

Yeah, it's a big box of things.

Right?!

I swear, it seems like we make everything.

Yeah, it does.

It's, uh, completely unfocused, which is good for a company.

Did you see the canburger?

Uh, no, thankfully, I did not see that.

Oh, wait, here it is. I got it.

Wow. So, this is a thing, huh?

Great, huh?

The company is having a retreat to, you know, get the troops fired up about the canburger, and I, uh...

Well, I happened to mention you're my brother, and my boss flipped.

He's a big fan.

Steel-Johnson is?

No, that's not a guy.

That's just the name of the company.

Oh, it's pretty hilarious, right?

"Steel Johnson."

Wh... I don't know what you mean.

Really? Steel Johnson... nothing?

Steel Johnson.

Anyway, uh, they want me to extend to you an offer to host an interview panel at the retreat.

It pays a sh*t ton, man. How nuts is that?

Yeah, man, uh, corporate gigs are really not my thing.

Uh, you know, congrats on the job, though.

Not... not your thing? Wh... it's 100 grand.

100 grand?

Yeah.

Can I think about it?

O... okay.

I'll call you in a couple of days.

Okay, buddy.

No.

Marc: Ugh. Leave it outside.

What the hell is this?

My brother works for Steel-Johnson now.

What, your brother, the screw-up?

Oh, take it easy, all right? He's doing better.

Granted, he's no you, living on $7,000 a year and a lifetime supply of bile.

You say that like it's not impressive.

Look, he just sent me this box of what he calls swag.

It seems like it's garbage to me.

"Steel-Johnson we're already inside you."

That seems like a thr*at.

I actually think it's a statement of fact.

I mean, they make everything.

They make shaving cream to... to cancer.

I think they make cancer.

You know what? Screw Steel-Johnson.

These guys are monsters.

I can't believe your brother works there.

Look, I'm just happy he's working somewhere.

They offered me a... a corporate gig, too.

Yeah?

Yeah.

How much?

I don't know. We didn't really talk numbers yet.

Wh-What could you possibly have to talk to those people about?

How they're turning their workers into these skill-less, interchangeable cogs?

Do you even know what those bastards do?

Other than make, uh, pack o' meaty noodles?

No, not really. [laughs]

Look, they don't give their factory workers health insurance.

They are k*lling people with E. coli-tainted meat.

They don't pay their workers enough, so they're getting food stamps.

They use African child sl*ve labor.

They're slashing pensions.

They're dumping toxic waste into our rivers.

O-Okay, all right.

Dave, I get it. They're bad.

Yeah.

Th-They're horrible. They're bad, all right?

But my brother feels like he's doing me a favor, and I think I'm gonna let him have this victory.

Okay, so because your brother is some emotional China doll, you get to absolve yourself of all social responsibility?

That... that... that's not exactly what I'm...

Yeah. No.

That's actually like joining the n*zi Party because your mother is getting coupons to a beauty salon.

Why h*tler? Why is it always h*tler?

Why, when there's a moral argument, is h*tler always the bad guy?

Mix it up. Be creative.

Well, because h*tler, for the most part, was a pretty bad man.

Yeah, wh-what's with you?

Where's all the moral indignation come from?

Where's... I didn't know there was a conscience inside that monster.

I don't know.

It's... it is exhausting.

I don't know how people do this.

Yeah, it doesn't...

I-I'm gonna go home and take a nap.

Okay, man. I understand.

You know what?

I've had these pickles. They're... they're pretty good.

I'm gonna...

Yeah, take the pickles.

I'm gonna put this back outside.

I-I feel weird.

Yeah, yeah. Take a nap.

Marc: All right, so you're on, uh, "New Girl."

Sometimes.

I play the... yeah, the homeless guy that lives outside.

Okay.

[both laugh]

Well, that must be a confidence builder, knowing that you look and feel like a homeless guy.

Honestly, I'd play a pedophile right now for 5 bucks.

For 5 bucks?

Yeah.

Well, I-I respect your integrity, man.

Thanks.

Hey, I got a question for you.

Would you ever do a corporate gig?

In a second.

That's a lot of money for an hour's worth of work, you know.

Why not?

Well, I'll tell you why not... because it's soul-crushing and because, like, you can't really do your material and because, like, you might have to make fun of Tom in accounting, and they don't really care about who you are.

You're just there to be a cheerleader.

I mean, that'd be the worst hour of your life.

I don't even know why we're talking about this.

I've never been offered a corporate gig.

Because I was just offered one for a lot of money.

Okay, well, you should take it.

Yeah.

You should take any money you can at any time.

Eh, I don't know if I could live like that, really.

So this entire conversation has just been about making me feel bad?

Yeah. I mean, haven't you ever listened to my podcast before?

Marc: Hey, man.

Josh: Hey, bro.

Hey, y-you taking the gig?

Yeah, listen, Josh, I been thinking about it, you know, and I talked to my advisers, and, uh, I-I-I got to pass, man.

It's just... it's just not the right thing for me, buddy.

Oh, okay. I get it.

Really?

All right, well... good.

You know, I-I-I mean, you know, I'm sorry.

I-I-I appreciate you trying to do me a solid.

Oh, no problem, no.

I was just happy to be in a position to help you for once.

I mean, it's always been the other way around.

Right? Tables are turning, man.

Yes, finally.

All right. Just... just trust me on this one.

It would not have been a-a good thing for... for anyone.

[laughs] All right, bro. I'll talk to you later.

Okay, man.

[cellphone buzzing]

Hello?

Do you know how upset your brother is?

What are you talking about? I just talked to him. He's great.

Well, that's strange 'cause I just talked to him, and he was crying.

All right, hold on, hold on. Wh-What happened?

He's worried about his new job.

He's never worked for a big company before.

You know how he gets.

Yeah. Insane?

He's anxious, and you're making it worse by not helping him.

He told his bosses that he could get you to do the show.

Now he looks like a liar.

Well, he shouldn't have done that!

Well, he was trying to make a good impression.

All right, look, Mom.

Corporate shows are hard for me.

I'm a stand-up comic. You can't do your act.

I don't know what they expect from me, all right?

They're not gonna let me have my freedom.

It's about freedom, Mom.

Freedom?

Like your brother's freedom to be unemployed?

Yeah. Different kind of freedom.

Oh, shut up. Take the job.

It's for your brother!

[sighs]

Hey. Marc Maron checking in.

Oh. Marc gets a blue shirt.

Josh: Marc!

I can't believe this.

Very exciting.

Oh.

It means so much that you would do this for me.

Sure, man.

Well, you know, Mom made me.

Whatever.

Just glad you're here.

Oh, hey, you got to get your shirt.

Uh, he's the host of the show... Marc Maron.

Here it is!

Everyone wears one all weekend long. Here, put it on.

Seriously?

You have to.

Each year, everyone wears a Hawaiian shirt.

The big guy loves Jimmy Buffett.

Oh, well, if it's because of Jimmy Buffett, that makes it worse.

Please?!

All right.

Blue's the best.

Well, it's amazing how quickly this became more horrible than anything I could have imagined.

Come on, I'll show you to your room.

All right, I hope it's the Margaritaville suite.

[laughs]

I'd like it if you'd come to one of the sessions.

It would really make an impression.

Eh, I don't know.

Oh, get a load of this guy.

What?

[chuckles] Red shirt.

So?

Shithouse red, bottom of the barrel!

The shirts represent what level you're on.

Red's the lowest.

It's one way the company lets people know they need to step it up.

Yeah, so if the sh*t goes down, the red shirts die.

What?

"Star Trek."

Mom never let me watch that.

It's all bullshit, anyway.

Just a corporate distraction to keep you from focusing on what you need for yourself.

I guess I was wrong to assume you'd be happy for me.

Just come to the session and you'll see how great this really is.

Fine.

Awesome.

Thank you for joining us for this team-building exercise.

Now, we all work together, so...

E-E-Except Marc! He's my brother.

He, uh... he's gonna be hosting the panel tonight.

He's got the number-one podcast in America!

Besides "Serial."

[applause]

Hey.

Thank you. Thanks.

Thanks for joining us, Marc.

Oh, thanks for letting me be here.

Okay.

This is the truth ball.

If you catch the truth ball, you have to say something truthful and quickly toss it to someone else.

Now, this is so we can learn that we all make mistakes and trust that our fellow team members are not gonna hold it against us.

Now, we can trust everyone here.

I'll go first.

I lose pens every day and take them from other people's desks.

[light laughter]

Man: Oh!

Uh, I'm a perfectionist.

Oh! [inhales sharply]

Uh... I-I parked in Walter's reserved spot one day.

I don't really like my dad.

He... he's like a huge assh*le.

He... he never remembers my kids' birthdays, and he spent my college savings on an amusement park.

Whoa, whoa.

T.M.I. [chuckles]

Classic Joshy.

I know, I know. I-I-I always overshare.

Jimmy Buffett is a creator of sh*t.

Woman: Okay, okay, all right.

Oh! [laughs]

I think that's enough of the, uh, truth ball.

Let's take a break.

We'll come back in 10 and do a yurt circle.

Sweet!

Oh, I love a yurt circle.

What's a yurt circle?

Uh, it's really cool.

Everybody stands in a circle and holds hands...

I'm out.

You gonna be okay, Joshy? Hmm?

You're wearing the green shirt now.

Act like it.

Hey, nice Jimmy Buffett slam.

"Cheeseburgers in Paradise," my ass.

[laughs]

Listen, man.

With these sharing exercises, you can't be so raw.

I panicked.

Truth balls freak me out.

Well, look, if you can't handle the truth ball, don't come, all right?

People in corporate environments are predators.

They're gonna look for your weaknesses, and then they're gonna att*ck.

Holy sh*t.

I'm talking about a truth ball.

God damn it.

Marons!

Don't take any sh*t.

Marc, haven't had a chance to introduce myself yet... Jib.

Huge fan of your podcast.

Well, I appreciate that.

Jib's the main reason you're here.

Anyways, let's get down to business.

I'm gonna be on the panel later.

Now, messaging is my thing here at Steel-Johnson, so, uh, here are your talking points.

Whoa, whoa. Talking points?

Yeah, you know, the exact questions for you to ask about Steel-Johnson and the canburger.

Oh, I can handle the interview.

Oh, yeah.

You know, we're not looking for you to do that thing you do on your podcast.

You know, that... that personal, biting stuff.

Obviously, you don't want me to be me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. We love you, all right?

We just want another you, a softer you, like Joshy here.

Linda: Come on, Jib, let's roll.

I got to go.

Uh, can I have five minutes with you before the panel?

Uh, sure.

Thank you, Joshy.

Excited.

Who the hell is that guy?

Jib? Jib... he's cool.

How do you not say anything back to him, Joshy?

That's just Jib being Jib.

That... that's his thing, and he really pulls his weight on the team.

Oh, who gives a sh*t about the team?

You should feel ashamed whenever you say that word.

Not everyone can be like you, Marc, okay?

It's... it's a good job. I need a job.

I'm n... I'm not interesting enough to make money by talking to people in my garage.

Come on, Josh.

You know what?

I'd feel better if you didn't come to the yurt circle.

No yurt?

I'm hurt.

[laughter]

Marc: Okay, okay.

So, how did the idea of, uh, canburger come about?

I'm glad you asked that, Marc.

Well, it wouldn't be a great interview without getting to the heart of the canburger.

[laughter]

That is so true.

Well [clears throat] my grandson loves hamburgers, and, uh [chuckles] we were on a hike, and we had bought hamburgers, but we had waited so long to eat them that they just weren't good anymore.

Oh, I think I know where this story is going.

So I thought, "What if there was a way to keep a hamburger fresh?"

Hamburger in a can!

Jib: Canburger, huh?

[applause]

Next question.

[sighs]

Yeah, uh... so, wh-what do you... what do you want everyone to know about Steel-Johnson?

All: We're already inside you!

We're already inside of you.

Yeah.

[applause]

Absolutely.

That's what makes this company so great.

Oh, yeah, is that what it is?

You bet it is, Marc. Teamwork.

Everyone here plays an important role.

We couldn't do it without each other.

It takes a team to make a canburger?

That's right.

That and a shitload of chemicals, right?

Excuse me?

Well, if you worked with people instead of just in your garage, you might know that.

Yeah, right?

It's sort of hard to spot obvious corporate bullshit when you're self-employed, right, Jib?

This company was built on teamwork.

Yeah, that and not giving your factory workers health coverage.

Jib: Our factory workers are treated extremely well according to industry standards.

Oh, yeah, really?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

They're... they're paid at such a sh*t wage that they're actually eligible for food stamps and they work a 40-hour week there, Jib.

I don't think you know what the hell you're talking about.

Yeah, Walter? How much money do you make a year while you're cutting the pensions of your workers?

That's inappropriate!

Yes, you make an inappropriately heinous amount of money, Walter.

[audience boos]

Oh, really? Really?

You're gonna boo me?

You're gonna boo me?

Do you even know what you're saying when you say "Steel-Johnson... we're already inside you"?

A Johnson is a d*ck.

You're saying a giant steel d*ck is already inside of you.

Yeah, that's what you're saying, and it's true.

You take it up the ass daily from these guys, and you're gonna boo me.

You're sitting there in your little pecking-order Hawaiian shirts?

Like, the lack of self-respect is astounding, folks.

It's astounding.

You... you just applauded a hamburger in a can.

Yeah, you did that. Do you really feel that way?

There's no way that sh*t can taste good.

You know that.

I mean, come on.

You all are a perfect example of everything that's wrong with this country.

You make sh*t for sad people, and you convince yourselves that you're doing something special.

That guy's name is Jib!

What is that name?

It's not even a whole name... Jib.

Come on, Josh.

Come on!

Take off the red shirt.

Fine.

What the hell was that?

A victory for both of us, man.

I'm helping you out, bro.

Oh, thanks for the help. They fired me.

Good! Now you can get Steel-Johnson out of you.

Do you ever think about anyone but yourself?

Are you ever anything but a total p*ssy?

[screams]

Come on!

Ow! Did you just pinch me?

Stop it! Come on, man!

What... what, I'm gonna spank you now?

Get off of me. Go!

What was that?

What?

Screw you, you son of a bitch.

sh*t.

I suck.

I'm 50 years old, and I need my big brother to stick up for me.

It's pathetic. [sniffles]

Come on, man.

You're just more accepting than I am, that's all.

I wish I had more of that in me, you know?

But, no, things work out for you.

They're going... I mean, your career's going great.

I just got fired from another job.

It was a shitty job, Josh!

It was.

A canned hamburger? What the hell is that?

I'll tell you what that is.

It's a sign of the end of the world, man.

[laughs]

Right?

Yeah. God, I hate those assholes.

Somebody should set Jib on fire.

I was gonna close with that.

Jimmy Buffett can suck my balls!

Yeah. Get it out.

[screams]

Good one.

Oh, yeah.

And, listen. Things are not easy for me.

It's taken me years to even begin to earn a living.

[sighs]

That's that.

Yeah.

[groans]

All right, man, let's go. Let's just go.

sh*t.

What am I gonna do for money?

Well, look, I usually get 50% if I just show up at a gig, and then a booking agent takes 10%.

You booked it.

Why don't you just take the 10%?

[sighs] What about 30%?

I don't...

What?

I-I'm trying to stick up for myself.

All right, well, okay, it was a nice try, and, uh, it didn't pan out for you.

10%... that's $5,000 for doing nothing.

I should start a podcast.

[cellphone buzzing]

Hello.

What'd you do?

I helped Josh out, Mom.

Well, he doesn't have a job anymore.

Yeah, I know, but he's got self-respect now.

Oh, please.

All right, fair enough, but at least he doesn't have to go into a place where he works, where people treat him like garbage, and he hates himself for being there.

And what other kind of job could he get?

That's the spirit, Mom.

It's hard to believe he ended up the way he did.

Now, don't put this on me.

You're as much to blame as anyone else.

You never let him fight for himself.

Okay, so I was overprotective.

You know, so what? I-I felt like I had to be.

Well, you should never have gone to that corporate retreat.

I know. I don't know why I did.

Well, hopefully, he finds a job in a place that doesn't sound like a huge, big d*ck.

Okay, Mom.

Uh, good talk.

Bye.