01x10 - Maria

[bunniefuu]

I just don't understand why a cantaloupe.

Why do people want to eat honeydew melons anyways?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, they're not that appetizing.

Why the second look?

Did you forget what her butt looked like in three seconds?

'Cause I'm storing it. I'm a lonely man.

You've got a girlfriend.

Nah, I dumped 'em.

Already?

Mm-hmm.

[laughs]

Do you think you're ever gonna settle down with someone?

Well, maybe if I end up in a wheelchair or something.

Although even Stephen Hawking got divorced, so you know.

No, no, no. I'll take it.

Don't handle my food, please.

All right.

Why do we come here every day?

We're in New York City, the land of 1,000 restaurants. We come here.

A: pastrami.

B: pastrami.

C: I don't have to worry about you sleeping with the waitstaff.

Well, that Miguel is starting to look pretty good to me.

Yeah. He does.

He's lost weight.

Tell you what.

Yeah.

You pick up the check, you can choose the restaurant.

Oh, my god.

And she sees me and she's walking right over.

She's walkin'... Jim... Jim!

Hmm?

Hey, Jim.

Hey.

I heard you'd be here.

I just came to pick up Maggie.

That's her name?

[laughs]

Oh, hey, can I use your keys to get in?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[humming]

Thank you.

Bye.

Take care.

Bye.

Wow.

What's with the naughty nanny?

That's Jeannie's sister from Wisconsin.

She's staying at our apartment.

Just my type. She's hot and lives out of town.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't go there.

Nobody's going anywhere.

I know you, Dave. You're already halfway there.

She's leaving after she does her massage therapy seminar.

[laughs] Are you kidding me?

You got this beautiful woman who's a massage therapist, for Christ's sakes, living in your apartment, and you're hiding her from me?

Hiding her?

Yes.

You refuse to come to my apartment.

Remember you called it bio w*apon lab?

Yeah, you have five kids and two bedrooms.

I'd rather go to Somalia in the rainy season.

Come on, the hot masseuse has got a week to live. Let her have a little fun.

Stay away from her.

Ugh.

Besides, you don't want to get Miguel jealous.

Right?

[man humming and beatboxing]

♪ ♪

The seminars are during the day.

So if you and Jim want to go out a couple nights, I can watch the kids.

Ooh, we could really use a date night.

We haven't been out in forever.

We could go out to dinner.

Even if Jim and I could just go for a walk.

To a restaurant and have dinner.

No, you know what, Jim? We shouldn't go out. Maria's the one visiting.

She needs to go out and see the city.

Does she? I mean, shouldn't she bond with her nephews and nieces?

You know, I don't know. Maybe she wants to be an absent aunt.

I don't kn... after dinner we have to go to the bar you have to enter through the phone booth.

That's so cool, right?

Jim, we're not going out.

Well...

Maria, Mom said that you haven't been out since you broke up with Todd.

Why is everyone in our family so concerned with my personal life?

You're right. I'm sorry.

I just did it again.

Can you please read us a story?

Oh.

Yes, I can sweet pea.

Story... or a book.

You know what the kids would love? w*r and Peace.

Then we could go out to dinner.

Jim, we're not going out.

[phone rings]

Can you get that?

Sure. Yeah, don't worry. I'll get it.

What, I'm drinking coffee.

Hello.

Dave who?

You want to come up?

Okay.

[buzzer buzzes]

Why does Dave Marks want to come up to our apartment?

Maybe he wants to m*rder us.

Do you owe him money?

Me owe Dave money.

He hasn't been up here in two years since he accused my kids of giving him swine flu.

Relax. I don't know why Dave is coming over to...

Oh, no.

What?

Nothing.

It's just Dave saw Maria at Katz's.

But I'm sure that's not...

Jim.

He is not laying a finger on my little sister.

It's bad enough he saw her.

Relax.

We don't even know why he's coming over here.

Get... go out in the hallway. Meet him in the hallway.

I don't want him to see her.

You're being ridiculous.

Talk to him in the hallway.

[coughing]

Hey, whoa.

Did you just run up five flights of stairs?

No.

What are you doing here?

I just thought I'd stop by. Can I come in?

No, we're actually... just...

Hi, Dave.

Hey, Jeannie. How you doing?

So weird you haven't been up here in so long.

Yeah, it's just like I remembered it.

So I just came by to pick up my iPhone charger from Jim.

I didn't borrow an iPhone...

Just give him one.

Thanks.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm... I'm sorry. Have we met?

I'm Maria. I saw you at Katz's today with Jim.

Right. Of course. Jim couldn't take a break from eating to introduce us.

[Maria laughs]

How could I forget such a beautiful laugh? Ah, I'm comedian and author, actually, Dave Marks.

Oh, hey.

Author?

Yeah, I'm working on a series of children's books.

Oh, Good Night, Germaphobe?

The Very Paranoid Caterpillar?

Hey, Jim, if you need some jokes, you can always just ask, you know?

Hey, we're doing a show tonight, Maria, if you want to stop by.

That is so nice, but we just have to catch up with her.

It's good to see you, though.

Bye.

Hey, he's cute.

Isn't he?

Jim, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

♪ ♪

I know.

He is not going out with my little sister.

Dave Marks is after one thing and one thing only.

She just went through a breakup.

She's very vulnerable right now.

I understand.

Good. I hope so.

Okay.

Because I don't want to raise five children by myself.

[stammers] You'd divorce me?

No, Jim, I'm Catholic. I don't believe in divorce.

I'm just saying if Dave goes out with Maria, I would be a single mother because I k*lled you.

Wow.

You really pick and choose your commandments.

Can I leave now?

Dave: Ooh, come on.

I'm not that guy anymore.

I promise.

Really?

Yeah, really. Huh?

All right, you can take me out to dinner.

Okay, I'm gonna take you out to dinner.

Didn't you say you weren't gonna hit on Maria, then you just show up at my apartment?

Ugh. You're unbelievable.

No, no, no.

Look, I... I don't even Such a pig. know that woman. I was just picking up my iPhone charger.

[grumbles]

Here. Turns out I have a Samsung.

Of course, you do. Look.

I don't want you to ask Maria out, And more importantly, Jeannie doesn't want you to ask Maria out.

Oh, Jeannie. That's what it is.

Jeannie doesn't want me to ask her out.

You know what, man, I can't believe you.

The way you... you pick your wife over your friend.

Dave, marriage, by definition, is choosing your wife over your friends.

Yeah, I know a lot of guys who don't believe that.

Yeah, are any of them still married?

That's not important.

The point is, is that they're men of principle.

[scoffs]

Here's my principle.

Don't ask Maria out.

All right, fine. If it means that much to your wife, I won't.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm gonna go home.

Okay. All right.

Say hi to your parole officer, you eunuch.

All right, say hi to your hand.

♪ ♪

Hello, Jim.

This morning after I dropped off the kids at school, I went to Russ & Daughters, and I got you an everything bagel with cream cheese.

[sniffs]

Ooh! It's still warm.

[gasps, laughs groggily]

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just cutting your delicious bagel up into tiny little bite-size pieces.

Oh, you spoil me.

[chuckles]

[toilet flushing]

What did you do?

You monster.

I'm just trying to re-create how I felt when I found out Maria has a date with Dave Marks.

I told Dave Maria's off-limits.

He gave me his word.

His word? That man has no principles.

[gasping]

You're gonna give a speech about principles when you throw a... a bagel in a toilet?

Jim: You're a sociopath.

Do you know what this woman did to my bagel?

It was my idea.

You can't have snakes in your backyard and expect them to only bite your neighbors.

What does that even mean?

It's a metaphor, Jim.

In this case, the snakes represent Dave.

I don't...

My baby sister has a date with Satan tonight, and you have to stop it.

I told them no. It's 8:00 in the morning.

What... when'd they meet, huh?

Apparently, they connected on Facebook, the playground of predators.

But I still blame you.

You blame me? That's insane.

Right? Isn't that right? That's insane.

Oh, girl, I think it's cray cray, but I'm still on Jeannie's side.

Just... just talk to her.

She's an adult. You're kind of an adult.

Tell her how you feel about Dave.

She won't listen to me, Jim.

Every time I try to tell her about what's wrong with her life, she accuses me of meddling even though I'm always right.

She thinks I'm crazy.

She thinks you're crazy?

I think you're a lunatic.

You took a perfectly good everything bagel...

And you flushed it. You flushed it!

Okay. Okay, okay.

You're both being ridiculous.

You're pushing them into each other's arms.

Haven't you ever seen The Notebook?

Of course not. I'm not a 12-year-old girl.

Jim, you've never seen The Notebook?

I saw it on a plane twice.

Wait. The Notebook.

I see what Daniel's saying.

We can't interfere. The more we try to keep them apart, the more they want to be together.

Exactly. It's like Jim and cheese.

So this has nothing to do with me looking like Ryan Gosling?

You've got to let them go on a date. If you just leave it alone, Dave will figure out that Maria's not right for him, and Maria will figure out that Dave's the kind of guy who hangs out with somebody like Jim.

Who looks like Ryan Gosling.

Even from space, you look nothing like Ryan Gosling.

Hey, Daniel, Mad Men called.

They want their clothes back.

[chuckles]

Sorry.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

Maria: The Statler.

Never heard of that.

It's by Penn Station. [laughs]

Oh. Neat.

Yeah.

Oh, I can't believe I have a date.

[both laugh]

Jeannie, to be clear, the kids have eaten, Maria's going out, and you're not hungry.

Don't worry, Jim. I don't want any of your pizza.

[scoffs] This is not pizza.

It's Chicago deep dish that took 45 minutes to cook.

I mean, this pizza makes regular pizza look like bagel bites.

Do we have bagel bites?

Hey, thanks for being so cool about this, Jeannie.

Mm.

I'm surprised.

You know, I thought I overheard you say that you don't like Dave.

Oh. That was Dave Attell.

I love Dave Marks.

I just got to let it cool for ten minutes.

You're not gonna get hungry in, like, the next ten minutes, are you?

This is so great.

I feel like I'm just used to everybody treating me like the baby.

Oh, I'm sorry I ever made you feel like that.

I just want to be your friend.

No, it's fine.

It's in the past.

Speaking of the past, in the past, you've said you don't want a bite, and then you suddenly want a bite.

And your bites are kind of like shark bites.

Jim... Jim, what are you talking about?

[phone rings]

I'm just saying that... if... if you're hungry, I... ah... You know what?

Eh, we have tuna salad in the fridge that looks amazing.

You know, I can make you a sandwich.

Even cut the bread so it looks like a pizza slice.

That would be fun for you, right?

Hey, how do I look? Too much?

Jim, in sleazy voice: Oh, yeah.

[stammers] The pizza.

Not... not you.

[knock at door]

Hey, what's going on, buddy?

Hey, buddy.

Thought you promised you weren't gonna ask her out.

I didn't ask her out. She asked me on Facebook.

I found a loophole.

Yeah, well, you hurt her, I k*ll you.

[snorts] All right. Yeah.

Or I get k*lled.

The point is, someone's gonna die.

Oh, come on. You smell like cheese.

Get out of the way.

I like cheese.

Hey, Maria. How you doing?

Hi.

You look great. You all set?

Thanks.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, okay, great. Hey.

Thanks.

Thank you. Bye, Jeannie.

[chuckles] You guys have fun.

Bye.

[clicks tongue] Have a good one.

That was like ten minutes, right?

That was at least close enough to ten. Oh, hey, Blanca.

Hola, Jim.

Blanca, I, ah, I think there was a miscommunication.

We're not going out tonight.

Jeannie: Jim, get your nice clothes on.

We're going to the Statler.

But...

My... my pizza.

[stammering]

[panting] This...

You have 30 seconds.

No.

That looks good.

[diners chatting quietly]

[Jim humming quietly]

You know, I'm gonna get another loaf of bread.

You want more bread, right?

Can't believe he took her to a place near Penn Station.

What's wrong with Penn Station?

You know.

[Jim humming quietly]

Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

Ah, you know, hey, you know, can you get more bread?

She wants more bread. Thanks a lot.

She doesn't like him.

Dave has failed.

I knew she could do better than a stand-up comedian.

What's that supposed to mean?

[scoffs]

What are these people doing?

How dare they interfere with your snooping.

[diners chatting indistinctly]

They left?

Did they see us?

Come with me.

Uh, I just got my linguine.

The couple that was sitting at this table, where are they?

Excuse me?

That was my sister.

And the man that she's with is a known predator.

Do you know where they went?

Why would I know?

woman: I heard their conversation.

He talked about himself the entire meal.

He was pathetic.

I know, ma'am.

Do you happen to know where they went?

The creepy guy kept bringing up h*tler and some Bowery ball game.

Bowery Ballroom.

That's it.

And the girl in the hooker dress, she didn't seem interested, but she went anyway.

Maybe he slipped her a Mickey.

We have to go to the Bowery Ballroom right now.

But I'm still eating.

What if Dave drugged Maria?

That's insane.

I know who you are.

Oh, yeah?

You were a waiter at Del Frisco.

Great service.

Ah, thank you.

_

[dramatic musical flourish]

[crowd chattering indistinctly]

[loud rock music]

Sir, no outside food.

Jim, put that away.

Have you seen a couple here tonight, a woman mid-20s and a creepy looking guy?

Honey, this is a rock club.

You just described everybody in here.

This woman.

That's a baby.

This woman.

That's another baby.

No, the woman holding the baby.

No, do you guys want anything to drink?

Oh, Brooklyn lager, please.

Danke.

What, I'm not on duty.

No, show her a picture of Dave.

Why would I have a picture of Dave?

I'm not dating him.

[Jeannie sighs]

Oh, you mean... Oh.

His website.

Ugh. Have you seen this guy?

Oh, him, yeah. He was here with a girl earlier.

He couldn't keep his hands off her.

Ew. I knew he roofied her.

Stop.

Where'd they go?

They said something about The Cage.

I don't know. They weren't here very long.

Dave Marks took my baby sister to a place called The Cage?

It's just a club on the lower east side.

Let's go.

No, no. [mumbles]

Jim. Now.

I'm not leaving the pasta.

Still got a lid.

_

[dramatic musical flourish]

[music thudding distantly]

Takes an hour to get into a club?

Only the good ones.

I can't believe he took her to see strippers.

I think that's burlesque.

How is it different?

Eh, those women probably have PhDs.

Let's split up, see if we can track them down.

Okay.

Hi.

Ah, do you know Dave?

I'm gonna get a beer.

Excuse me. Have you seen this girl?

You haven't seen her? You haven't seen her around? Okay.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Have you seen this girl?

This girl here. You haven't seen her?

[loud dance music]

♪ ♪

This is good information.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

You really think it's better than Shake Shack?

Yeah.

Why would I go all the way to Greenpoint for a burger?

Jeannie: What did you find out?

Uh... [stammers]

Not much.

Ugh. Me either.

In fact, people seemed annoyed that I was asking about my sister.

And nobody has even heard of Dave Marks.

Oh, I know Dave Marks.

He just left.

Where did he go?

He was going to do the Whiplash show at UCB.

Let's go.

Thanks, Amanda.

Well, it's actually Nancy.

I just go by Amanda when weirdos talk to me after my show.

Oh. Okay.

_

[dramatic musical flourish]

[laughter]

It's pitiful.

Thinks he can use his stand-up as an aphrodisiac.

Well, it did work on you.

Oh, my god. You're right. Where is she?

Hey, Hannibal.

Hey, Jim, I love you, but there's no room on the show, man.

It's totally booked up.

Dave Marks went crazy long.

That bastard. Where is he?

I think he left.

Well, who does he think he is?

What, he thinks rules don't apply to him?

I'm not gonna let him get away with this.

Okay, if she's gonna be that wild about it, it's...

I'll give you eight minutes.

Eight minutes, I'll squeeze you in.

Let's go.

Damn, Jeannie, all right, you can go on next.

But you got to get your balls back, man.

This is out of control.

You're not going on.

I can't believe you went on.

That pope bit has potential.

Any word from Maria?

No.

I guess we'll just go home.

Is there any place else that Dave might go this time of night: The Cellar, The Silka?

Crif Dogs?

Dave goes there?

No, I just want a hotdog.

There is one place he's mentioned a couple of times.

_

[dramatic musical flourish]

Now, this is a strip club.

Oh, I am so glad you're not the kind of guy that goes into places like this.

Jim!

♪ ♪

I...

Jim: I swear, I've never been here before.

How do you know Jim?

Oh. [laughs]

I own all his albums.

Hey, thanks for keeping it clean. I can listen with my kids.

Oh, cool. Um...

Do you know Dave Marks?

Yeah, his jokes are a little too risqué for my taste.

Hey, Peaches.

Is Dave in there right now?

We got a strict policy about the confidentiality of our clients.

Right. Okay, so I guess we'll just go in and take a look around.

Whoa. I'm not going in there.

All right, I'll go in...

You are not going in there either.

Look, man, I really need to know if Dave's in there.

Sorry, bro.

Oh, I see what's going on here. [laughter]

Maybe my friend Abraham Lincoln can jog your memory.

A $5 bill?

All right. [clears throat]

What if he's joined by his buddy...

George?

Jim.

I just...

Stop.

We spent a lot of cash tonight.

Keep your money. He's not here.

Macaulay Culkin: He's built like a tuna can.

I swear. [laughs]

Oh, hi, Jim. How you doing?

[clicks tongue] Hey. [laughs]

Is that...

He's... he's... Don't even ask.

Probably not.

[subway wheels clacking]

Yeah, don't mind us.

It's not like he kidnapped her.

Dave did not kidnap her.

This is ridiculous.

She's 25 years old.

You're right. You're right.

She's fine.

I can't stop her from making her own mistakes.

What am I gonna do when the kids grow up, Jim?

Don't worry.

I'll have you committed by then.

[chuckles]

Be honest.

Am I really crazy?

Yes.

And that's what I love about you.

I'm sorry I ruined your night.

Are you kidding?

We haven't gone out like this in years.

I'm not making out with you on the subway.

I was just trying to give you a hug.

♪ ♪

[both sighing]

Maria.

Hey, party people.

You guys were out late.

Wait. How was your date?

Um, I did something really stupid.

Okay. You know what, whatever it is, it... before you say anything, you're an adult.

You make your own decisions.

And I love you.

I... I absolutely agree.

I ate Jim's pizza.

You whore.

Jim.

I mean, didn't you eat when you went out to dinner?

It's... [scoffs]

I had to get out of there.

I was home at, like, 9: 00.

Yeah, no, we figured.

You know.

You ate the whole thing?

I mean, Really?

Jim, you already ate.

I didn't eat Chicago deep dish.

That I cooked personally with these hands for 45 minutes.

But no, you know what? Don't worry.

I don't want to wake up the kids. But you're lucky.

Dave talked about himself the entire time.

Yeah, that's him.

And did you know that he lives with his mother?

Yes.

You know, speaking of family, my brother Joe, who might be dead any minute, gave me that pizza. Not that you care. All right, so just...

You know, Jeannie, I really wish that you would have just told me Dave's not my type.

I would much rather have spent the night hanging out with the kids.

[laughter]

You... you think after the pizza incident we're gonna let you around our children?

Tell her.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't want to meddle.

Next time, please, meddle.

I would love that.

Yeah, me too.

I will do that.

[both laugh]

[coos]

Oh.

Jim, what are you doing?

I'm gonna cut the pizza out of your sister.

[both laugh]

I'm serious.

_

[dramatic musical flourish]

[camera shutter clicks]

[indistinct police radio chatter]

[sighs]

[camera shutter clicks]

What kind of monster would do this?

[camera shutter clicks]

[sighs]

I know.

She ate the whole thing.

Chicago deep dish.

I'm sorry.

The specialist victim... ever.

[crunches]