01x08 - 37 Weeks

[bunniefuu]

Look, so cute.

So as you can see, we're right on track.

The baby's healthy and doing great.

Any questions or concerns?

No, I think I'm good.

Oh, I have a question, doc.

Okay, Emma.

My main concern regarding Maggie's delivery is that there be, um... God, how do I put this?

Um...

[Whispering] Minimal vaginal destruction.

Because someone once told me that before labor, your vag*na looks like, you know, like a new rose with...

Opening to the morning sun.

Oh, like the rose from Beauty and the Beast...

Exactly.

Where just, like, one petal falls off at a time.

Yeah, "tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme," but after labor, it can look like that plant from Little Shop of Horrors.

Okay, that's not true.

Yeah.

That is true, and it's real, and you're gonna be getting back out on the post-divorce dating scene, so I just want to make sure she's keeping it, you know, right in type. all right, um, obviously, it is never my goal to destroy a vag*na, okay?

That's great.

That's good to hear.

But I think Maggie is better served focusing on the fact that the baby could come at any time now.

I'm sorry, what do you... what?

We're at the 37th week of pregnancy, which means the baby could safely arrive at any moment.

Okay, but I'll probably go to, like, 40 or 41 weeks, right?

Well, maybe, maybe not.

Okay, you know what? I gotta...

I gotta go, 'cause I got a lot of stuff to get done and not a lot of time, so let's go, Emma.

Now, doc, is this your correct email?

'Cause I just want to send you some pics online that I found of what we don't want down there.

You don't have to do that.

Okay, but just in case, I will.

No, really, don't do that.

It could get me in a lot of trouble.

I'm gonna send you some pics.

Emma, let's go!

Okay. I'll text them to you. Is that better?

No, don't send me anything of anything down there.

[Drilling]

Oh, stripped it. Turn that around.

Maggie?

Speed it up. There we go.

Maggie, what... oh, my God! Maggie, what are you doing?

What's that?

What are you doing?

I can't hear you over this drill.

Yeah, I know. It's 3:00 A.M.

Yeah, uh-huh, 'cause I got to paint this whole kitchen, because the kitchen, my friend, is the heart of the home.

So would you grab a hammer and a nail, just like the Indigo Girls say?

Okay.

'Cause we got a lot of work to do, miss.

I'm going to need you to step down from there, 'cause you're very pregnant right now.

Hey, hey, hey. You heard what Dr. Ullman said.

This baby could come at any moment, okay, and I have this whole list of things to do.

Number five is paint the kitchen.

So excuse me, but I'm going to do that, all right?

All right. No, no, you don't.

You know what you're gonna do? You're gonna give me the drill.

You're gonna give me the drill.

You're gonna get off that stepstool, 'cause guess what, I'll take care of this, okay?

You will?

Yup.

Tomorrow, I'll round up a ragtag bunch of dreamers, and we'll get it done, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

I think I might need some Fig Newtons.

Okay, we'll get you some new-news, and we'll get you to bed, okay?

Maybe some ginge-y and some new-news.

Some ginge-y and some new-news coming right up!

All right. Where do you want this stuff?

Ladders in the kitchen, tarps in the sunroom.

Roger that.

Now, where is this Manuel LeBore you were so desperate to introduce me to?

Mom, it's not a person. It's a thing... manual labor?

Oh, not interested. Why am I even here then?

I don't know. Obviously, this was a big mistake.

Why don't you go home and just feel bad about your neck?

All right? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I need you. I need you.

You're the only one that's actually had a baby.

Yes, and it nearly k*lled me.

Get a load of that enormous head.

It's a really big head.

It's really thick.

All right. Go do whatever you're gonna do.

Maggie, has anyone warned you about the possibility of your baby being switched at birth?

What? No.

It can happen.

Okay, and I am done taping this quadrant.

All right.

Now that we're done with that important detail...

It's a very important detail. Do you like dust?

No, what I'm saying is I just want to get in and out.

In and out. I don't want to play.

In and out.

Please stop it.

Does this remind you of E.T.?

Remember when he's sick... I do.

And they had to do this in the house?

It does not remind me of E.T.

That was so sad.

Okay. We have a lot to do, okay?

There's a whole five-step process here.

We have to wipe, tape, prime, trim, and then paint.

[Snoring] What? I'm sorry.

I just fell asleep on these stir sticks because I was so incredibly bored.

Can we just paint?

We cannot just paint. You've been to my house, right?

Yes, and it's impeccable.

And who do you think does all of that work?

Me. Every trim, every fixture.

Do you think that Tina allows me to hang a picture askew?

No, I do not.

Exactly.

It takes four hours to hang one 5x7, let alone an 8x10.

I know what I'm doing.

Okay, take it easy, Bob Vila.

Okay, that man is my idol, by the way, okay?

His attention to detail, his crisp flannels...

Jesus. Oh, my God. [Cell phone vibrates]

Hey, you.

I want you to start wiping down that entire work area there.

Ugh, sounds boring.

Hi, baby.

Yeah, I forgot to get the cold cuts.

I can do it really soon.

Is it okay if I don't have the coupon?

No, you're right. Yeah, that...

It's worth the 20%, to save the 20%, yeah.

Of course I'm going to get the nitrate-free ham.

No, it's not a tone, it's just...

Okay. Love you.

♪ I love you ♪

Don't even start with me!

I'm not.

Good, 'cause don't.

Because I tell everyone, before labor, your vag*na looks like a new rose just slightly open to the morning sun, but after labor...

Let me guess. Little Shop of Horrors?

Little Shop... of Horrors.

Now let me take a look at that list.

Okay, loose t-shirts, socks, several pair of large underpants.

Are you having a baby or going on a carnival cruise?

No, no, take it from me: All you are going to need are hot rollers, a satin eye mask, and the best magnifying mirror money can buy.

What about snacks?

I feel like I'm gonna probably need a bunch of snacks, right?

I mean, I didn't get snacks, 'cause I didn't know what snacks to get, but I probably should run it to the 7-Eleven for snacks, right?

Like, just a basket full of snacks or a bag of snacks or something?

Here. Take this.

By the time you struggle to eat one painful triangle of chocolate, the baby will be there.

[Laughs] I'm sorry. I'm such a mess.

I just... I feel like everything is moving so fast.

I'm very unprepared.

Maggie, you take it from me.

None of this other stuff really even matters.

Okay.

Because nothing can ever prepare you for the horror that is childbirth and the thankless task of raising a child.

I think we're out of this blue tape.

Want me to run down to the store to get some more?

Yeah, okay, sure, if you don't mind.

No, I don't mind, but, um, do we have a coupon?

I knew it. I knew it.

Wha... what did I say?

I just want to make sure we get 20% off...

Because "I love you".

Uh-huh, okay, you know what? It's okay.

I wouldn't expect you to understand what it's like to be in a long-term relationship.

It takes a certain care and thoughtfulness of tone.

Oh, thank you for the tip, chicken soup for the married soul.

And what exactly was your longest relationship?

I don't know. How long were we together again?

This was your longest relationship?

Sophomore to senior year and half of a summer?

Oh, now that's a... that's a fear of commitment.

I don't have a fear of commitment.

Okay, I proposed to you, and then you hopped on a plane and flew to the furthest place you could find for 13 years.

All right, just so you know, your "proposal"...

Don't air quotes my proposal. That was a real proposal.

No, I know you meant it, but, I mean, let's get honest.

You didn't want to really marry me.

You just wanted to get married.

Is that what you think?

Yeah.

It's all part of the Mark Rodriguez grand plan, you know?

Married by 23, on the force by 25, paint, wipe, trim, paint, trim...

It's wipe, tape, prime, trim, and then paint!

All right, well, you know what, I just paint, okay?

I don't need any of that other business!

Okay, then let's just do it your way then!

Great! That'd be great.

Let's just do it your way.

We'll just start painting here.

Oh, see? That looks really good.

And then we'll just paint here.

Can I help?

Oh, by all means, please help!

Yeah, how about that? Does that work?

Let's just go here! Yeah, we're just painting away.

Yeah!

Painting away!

[Gasps]

What?

Oh, sh*t...

Maggie, Maggie, we're...

Maggie.

No, no, no, no no words from you!

We were just...

[Shushing]

Not a peep!

I just...

You know what I'm sick of?

Is all your jabber-jabber, okay?

Both of you need to get over it already!

Make up! Nobody cares!

Okay, all right.

I don't know how you're gonna get this whole house painted if you don't do that!

Wait, the whole house?

In one weekend? That's too much, even for Vila!

Well, I don't care, okay?

You have to, 'cause this baby is coming, and she can't be in this house if there's paint fumes, and I need to live in the house where my baby lives!

I want my baby to here with me in my house, where I live!

Okay, Maggie, we're going to paint the whole house.

Absolutely.

Yeah, I look forward to the challenge.

Well, get on the gets!

And after packing the room and clearing the work area, so to speak, let's not forget the five-step process of wipe, tape, prime, trim, and then... [Snoring]

Sorry, what? I'm sorry.

Let's just keep it tidy.

Can I say a few words?

Yeah.

I just want to thank everybody for being here, 'cause it...

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Why are we crying?

It's just my dream is really coming true right now, 'cause everybody's coming together.

I know.

What the hell is she saying?

Something about dreams, and that it takes a village...

For the love of the baby.

For the love of the baby...

It really...

It means a lot to you, I know, I know.

Okay, so did we get that, everyone?

All right, thank you, village. All right.

Let's get to work.

And, to reiterate: Wipe, tape...

Oh, my God.

Prime, trim...

I can't. I can't.

And then paint.

Maggie, are you sure you want to do this?

Put a baby monitor in the nursery?

Yes, Mr. Najiani, I am sure.

So could you just put this camera in the baby's room, and then it should come up on my computer in here.

Okay, but you're creating some very unhealthy habits in your child's life.

How's that?

It's always going to expect to be looked at and listened to.

That's how.

Hello! Can you hear me?

Okay, yes, I can hear you, Mr. Najiani, but only because you're shouting.

Oh. How about now?

I'm Maggie's baby. [Screams like a baby]

Oh, yes, it's working. It's working!

Good.

Now you can see all the ways your baby can injure herself.

Look at me. I'm Maggie's baby.

I'm going to put my wet finger inside an electrical outlet.

[Screams]

Okay, well, obviously, I haven't... I haven't baby-proofed yet, okay?

Oh, my eyeball! Where's my eyeball?

Okay, thank you, Mr. Najiani.

I get it.

I can't hear you! Are there scissors in my ear?

[Screams]

I'm almost done with the tapered brush if you need it.

Thanks.

Nice work on those corners, by the way.

Oh, thanks. If I hadn't taped it up like you said, it would have been a real mess.

That tape's a... very important tool.

Really is an important tool.

Important tool of the trade.

You know, I would have gone to China with you.

What?

You just never asked.

Wait, why didn't you ever say anything?

Well, because I asked you to marry me, and then you left town the next day, and never called me again, so it seemed like you didn't want to talk.

What are you talking about?

You... you never would have left this place.

You always said that Pinebrook was it for you.

You were it for me.

That... at the time.

It's fine now.

I just thought...

Yeah, see, that's the problem, is you thought, you never asked, so don't paint me as a person who's not open to, you know, other experiences.

Obviously, it all worked out for the best, but just to let the record show.

No, obviously, it worked out for the best.

I'm sorry, okay?

Wait, what?

You heard me.

I'm sorry, I have to grab this.

I gotta get comfortable.

Are you done?

No, because this... this is a real moment, and I'm going to have to hear you say it again.

I'm sorry. Ahem.

What? I couldn't hear you.

I'm sorry.

One more time. I'm going to have to savor this.

You're really close to my face right now, just so you know.

I brought my famous protein wraps!

Tina!

Tina!

Hey, everybody, it's my wife, Tina!

Hey, girl!

Hey!

Oh, my goodness, look at this!

Oh, these are the best wraps ever, babe.

Best wraps ever made.

Is this the coupon meat?

These are great! Mmm.

Mmm.

You, um, you need to wear it higher up, especially when your lamp is a newborn.

Oh.

[Laughs]

How do you know all this stuff?

Oh, you know "the Babysitter Club" books?

Uh-huh.

Those are loosely based on my life.

Oh, Tina, what?

No, the Kristy character was based on me, although I always thought of myself as more of a non-Asian Claudia Kishi.

Uh-huh.

I would have sued, but, you know, I was 14 and running a small child care empire.

[Both laugh]

But you've babysat before, right?

Oh, not really.

Oh.

I was going to say that it's good experience, but I guess it's too late for that.

[Chuckles] Yep.

[Both laugh]

Now that we have fixed your problem, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, what is it?

Does Emma not like me?

What? No! No, no, no, no.

She's always so weird around me.

Oh, well, that's not you.

That's just awkwardness between her and Mark, you know, 'cause of when they were engaged.

They weren't engaged.

Oh, right, right, right.

Not technically, 'cause she never said "yes,"

'cause she hopped town to get on the get.

Mark proposed to Emma?

Yeah...

Oh, no.

Mark?

Tina? Oh!

I'm rolling the paint on in that "w" formation like you wanted, but I just want to make sure I'm doing it correctly.

Oh.

[Laughs]

Is that a loud enough "sorry" for you?

What are you doing?

Well, 'cause I can make it bigger.

Mark?

Why did you never tell me that you proposed to Emma?

I... how did you...

I can't believe you would keep this from me.

It just never came up! Let's talk about it now!

I can't even!

I can't...

It happened so long ago! Tina!

I mostly forgot about it!

[Screams] [Glass shatters]

Tina?

Bird bones!

She's fine! She'll be fine!

Everything will be fine!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. I didn't know she didn't know.

I know. It's so much worse than that, because the first time she came in, we were standing like this.

Wait, this close? Why?

Because he was telling me that if I had asked him, he would have come to China with me.

Okay...

I know!

Honestly, right now, no!

But yes.

We're not supposed to have any secrets between us.

I know. I just need you to...

It's not really even a secret.

Baby, please! I didn't tell you because it wasn't a big deal!

How many people knew about this, Mark, huh?

I mean, did the whole town know that you proposed to Emma?

He didn't tell me.

He told me.

Me, too.

Is there no room in this house where we can get some privacy?

Sweetie, no. Listen, okay, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe...

Mags, I feel terrible.

I'm the reason they're fighting right now.

Okay, it's not your fault he never told her.

That's all on him, buddy.

I know, but maybe I should go out there. You know, just, like, clear the air.

You definitely shouldn't do that.

I'm definitely gonna do that.

Okay, no, no, no.

Ugh!

Where'd they go? [Indistinct arguing on laptop]

I thought that we had a relationship...

Are you guys watching the feed from the baby monitor?

It was Sangar's idea!

Thanks for nothing, Gwendolyn.

Oh, hush, it's just getting good!

Guys, this is so not right.

Babe, just... please, just talk to me.

I thought we had a relationship built on trust!

Okay, squeeze over. Just gotta get in here.

We do. This doesn't change that.

Yes, it does, because what else haven't you told me?

Nothing! I tell you everything!

It was, like, a million years ago.

And I married you!

Because you couldn't get what you actually wanted!

I mean, I'm like the nasty panties in the bargain bin at Loehmann's!

You know what? You know why I didn't tell you?

I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't react like a normal person.

What does that mean?

If I fold a bath towel wrong, you go running off to your hoarder's closet.

The hotel fold is not that hard, Mark!

One-third, one-third, in half, in half!

[Knock at door] Excuse me, can I interrupt?

Emma, don't.

Tina, I just want to say that you don't have to feel threatened by me.

Oh, I'm not threatened by you, okay?

I mean, look at you. You're a disaster.

Okay, that's a little hurtful.

I know this is really hard for you to understand because, you know, everything is always all about Emma.

But this has absolutely nothing to do with you!

Okay, I think it has something to do with me.

I mean, two minutes ago, he said he would have gone to China with me, but...

Why would you say that, out loud, in the world?

Okay, we're closing it down and we're shutting it up, okay?

I gotta get up there. Excuse me.

What does it matter? It was never gonna work out.

I mean, do you really see me married to "monster mash"?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Who is "monster mash?"

Oh, no.

No, no, no, Maggie, you get back in here.

Someone tell me who "monster mash" is, and do not say it's me.

It's you.

Tina...

That's your nickname.

That's what we called you behind your back in high school.

What? Is that true?

Okay, well, you know how people called me "string bean", and Tina "bird bones"?

Well... they called you "monster mash".

What? Why?

Because I'm an emotional monster, or 'cause I mash people's feelings?

No, 'cause of that tap-dance that you did at the eighth-grade talent show, to Monster Mash.

What are you talking about? That k*lled!

[Half-heartedly] ♪ It was the mash ♪
♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪

It wasn't a smash.

But I was wearing that werewolf mask, and my dad's lab coat.

I got a standing ovation for that.

From your dad.

From your dad.

Wow.

Guys, can we just take a second to recognize how funny this whole situation is?

Funny?

Do you see me laughing?

I don't think it's funny at all!

Hey, come on, it is a little, right?

I mean, this is just, like, the craziness, the craziness of youth, right?

It was a long time ago.

I know! Yeah!

I mean, and let's get honest.

Who here hasn't had a piece of Mark?

I mean, am I right?

You have, and you have, and I know I have, so...

Wait, what?

[All gasp]

No, no, relax, relax! Relax!

This was after I proposed to you, and...

[Screams]

And before I got together with you, Tina.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! We were, like, 25, we had a couple of hard ciders, we made out on...

Both: Kevin Rosenfarb's waterbed...

And we didn't finish, we were both wearing jeans...

You didn't finish?

Finish?

No, there was no finishing!

We passed out!

Nothing happened!

It was no biggie.

This is a huge biggie, just FYI!

I'm sorry, why exactly is that a biggie to you, monster mash?

I don't know, just 'cause Maggie is...

Yeah, yeah, you know what? You are all insane!

Okay, I cannot do this right now, I can't!

Tina, Tina...

We are talking about this!

Oh!

Something is happening right now.

Oh, give me a break!

You're not faking a contraction to get out of this, Maggie!

No, no, no, no, I'm not faking it.

You got to act a lot better than that, Meryl Streep.

I'm serious! I think...

I think I'm going into labor.

[Scoffs] And the Oscar goes to...

Oh!

Wait, wait a second, what are you...

What are you saying, right now?

This baby is coming!

Okay, okay. [All groaning]

Take it easy. Take it easy.

I'm not ready for this!

Oh, you can do it, Mags, I know you can.

I don't believe you.

You only read half a book on the subject.

Full disclosure. I only read one page.

Do you want to know what it said?

No!

Okay, I'm going to tell you that as a new mom, you got everything you need already.

'Cause that baby's going to sleep on you, it's going to eat on you, and I'm going to take care of the rest, okay?

Okay.

All right.

Now let's go destroy that vag*na.

[Both groan]