01x08 - The Gambler

[bunniefuu]

You and your nice mouth.

You remember when you promised the Doyles that you and I would do their hair and joy would do their makeup for their cousin's wedding?

I remember you mimed sh**ting yourself behind their backs while I was agreeing to do that nice thing.

Yeah. What about it?

The wedding got moved up to this Sunday.

Why would it get moved up three months?

Why do you think two Irish catholic people would have to get married all of a sudden?

Another redheaded bastard is moving to Boston.

Pregnant... you're totally right.

You don't know that.

Maybe they just can't wait because they love each other so much.

Can we get a mop over here?!

Joy is crapping rainbows again!

♪ it's time to show the world what they've waited for ♪
♪ Something like they've never seen before ♪
♪ Whoa, we're just getting started ♪
♪ Just getting started ♪

[bell chimes]

[Car horn honks]

Hey, hush puppy. What are you doing here?

Apparently, writing up citations to dipshits who, for some reason, can read the word "parking" but not the word "no."

You're in a mood.

You got something you wanted to tell me?

I feel like if I say something and it's not the thing, I'll get in trouble for two things, so why don't you just tell me?

Well, I went to the pharmacy today, And guess what?

Your check bounced.

Is that what you were gonna say?

Yes...

I got a sneaky feeling you're playing cards again.

Not gambling, no. Better not be.

Shall I remind you of what happened the last time?

You don't need to.

You sold the watch!

You sold the beautiful gold watch I bought you for our first anniversary!

Terrible... there's really nothing else to say about it.

The first anniversary is paper, but I bought you a gold watch.

I am not gambling.

Well, I hope that's true.

I'll see you at home.

Hey, I have to cancel Sunday.

Plans changed for the Donahue wedding.

Somebody got knocked up.

Oh, wait, don't tell me.

Was it the bride?

Was it the groom?

What's this?

Floss.

Your favorite kind... wax peppermint.

Thank you, but why did you...

Well, you remember a couple weeks ago, you said you had a cleaning on the 3rd?

Oh, I do?

Oh, my goodness, I do. How did you...

Well, remember, you said you haven't been flossing enough because Bart's always leaving his used floss in the sink and you got sick of seeing it, so you hid the floss, but then you forgot where you hid it.

All that's true.

That's why I got you the floss.

If only Bart thought like that once in a while...

Or ever.

Sometimes I think that...

What?

Nothing.

I can always count on you, Mo.

You can. You can always count on me, Joy.

[Door closes] Hey, weirdo?

Your clocking a menses, too?

That's sick.

That's not a "no."

Listen, come here.

Mo, you're my best friend, all right? but that girl is a married woman, and you're playing a dangerous game.

There's something really wrong in their marriage.

I can tell. I mean, she doesn't like to talk about it.

But I can tell.

She deserves better.

Maybe so.

And maybe she'll come to that realization herself, but until then, she's Bart's wife.

You think there's ever gonna be a right time for me to tell her how I feel?

I'm sure there will be.

Thanks, buddy.

And, by the way, Mo, until then, enough with the creepy gifts, okay?

No girl wants to bone the dental-floss fairy.

I'll take two.

This is nice, huh?

Bunch of guys sitting around on a Sunday afternoon, playing poker.

[Sighs] On our day off with the people we spend the most of our waking hours with.

Probably a little bit more sad than nice.

I'm just glad I was able to change my plans last minute.

What plans?

You always swim with your ma at the "Y" on Sunday.

All right, first of all, mo, she swims with me, okay?

And second of all, I don't always do it.

You make it sound weird.

I think it's nice that your ma is your best friend, and besides, if you didn't swim together, who would've given you mouth to mouth the time you almost... Mo!

It is absolutely amazing that you didn't turn out to be a flight attendant or a serial k*ller.

Look, she's not my best friend.

Does she happen to be a remarkable woman?

Yes, yes, she does, but she's not my best friend.

Aww, it's wicked sweet. Ben adores his ma so much, he can cry just thinking about her.

When he was little, she used to sing this one song...

Mo, enough!

Well, gosh, I would love to hear it.

♪ And when one of us is gone ♪
♪ And one of us is left to carry on ♪

Okay, that's enough, Mo. Thank you.

I actually know that song. That's a Helen Reddy classic!

It's, uh...

Both: ♪ Think about the days of me and you ♪
♪ You and me against the world ♪

Ben: Okay, all right, all right.

This has no effect on me, all right?

Can we please stop talking about my ma?

Please, God, may she live a long and healthy life!

Can you queens just shut up and play poker, please?

Just having some fun, buzz?

I don't want to have fun.

I want to play poker.

I call.

You're really into this poker game, Buzz.

Why'd you want to play so bad?

Because it's fun!

But you just said...

Would you just show your cards, Mo, please?!

Ben: Geez.

Ah! Look at that!

Loser, loser, loser!

Winner, winner, winner!

Yeah! Whoo!

So, do you guys like this guy your cousin's marrying?

Oh, Joey? Yeah, he's perfect for her.

He's an even bigger skank than she is.

[laughter]

Yeah, we've all had a whack at him.

He's like the neighborhood sex piñata.

[laughter]

I didn't go all the way with Joey.

I'm saving myself for marriage.

Yeah, she's an Irish virgin.

[laughter]

I'm sorry. What?

Oh, the front door is triple locked, but if you go around back, you can crawl right in through the doggy door.

[laughter]

You guys must be really excited that you have a cute, new baby to fawn over.

Well, Colleen already has a 7-month-old from her last boyfriend.

Ma's upstairs, baby-sitting him right now.

He's half black.

[chuckles]

I can whole hear you.

[Baby crying]

Somebody should tell that baby up in the Reddy apartment that there are gentlemen trying to play poker out here.

Hey, baby, there are gentlemen trying to play poker out there!

Thank you. Thank you, Lonnie.

Okay, ladies, show 'em.

Two pair... jacks and fives.

[As Michael Jackson] ♪ Hee-hee ♪

[normal voice] I'm sorry. You said "Jackson five."

I'm like a dog with a bell. I got nothin'.

Me too. Damn!

Hey, maybe you should quit bluffing there, Buzz.

Yeah, yeah, I'm not gonna bluff next time.

That's what you said the last four hands.

Now you're just bluffing about bluffing.

Thank you for pointing that out, Lonnie.

All right, I am running to the ATM.

Nobody move.

We pick this up when I come back.

I love weddings.

Joy, was yours and Bart's wedding day the happiest day of your life?

Mm-hmm.

Is there anything more romantic than "till death do you part"?

[Chuckles] Can you keep your lips still, please?

I mean, you and Bart are the happiest couple I...

Okay, mouth closed, please!

I don't want to mess up your face!

I want to marry a rich guy who's tall, dark, and handsome.

Or a rich girl who's short, blond, and pretty.

Are you bi?

Yeah, I'm bi.

I'm gonna marry whoever buys me more stuff. ["bi" s]

You know what the most important thing in marriage is?

Honesty. You have to tell the truth to each other.

Sometimes it's better to keep it in if it might hurt someone's feelings.

The most important thing in marriage is obvious...

Sex! [cackles, spits]

[Grunting]

[laughter]

Sex fades over time.

Not if you have enough batteries, huh?!

[All shout, laughter] Oh, yeah!

Hey, Joy, you're the only one of us who's married.

What would you say is the most important thing to look for in a husband?

You know, I... I guess I'd say...

Someone you can count on.

You have that with Bart, right?

[Voice breaking] Well, excuse me for a second.

[Door closes]

She's probably gonna call him to say she loves him.

Rhonda, you may be too dumb to live!

What do you think's going on with him?

Maybe he and Tommy are having problems in the bedroom.

I mean, they both wear sleep apnea masks, and it can't be easy to make love with those on, right?

I mean, think about trying to open-mouth kiss a man with that sort of apparatus on your mouth.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm just guessing, man.

Well, don't guess, Mo.

Oh, but, you know, alternatively, on nights when they want to make love, they could take their masks off for some face-to-face lovemaking.

I don't think face-to-face lovemaking is, uh, an option with their lifestyle, Aje.

Unless... and I'm just spit-balling here, but if there was some sort of wedged pillow situation, which, when placed under the hips...

All right, you need to stop it right there, Mo!

Just sayin', it would open a fella up like a flower.

[grunts]

[Groans] Jesus! That's the last thing I needed, was a visual of bloomin' Buzzy! Thank you!

Just tryin' to figure out what's wrong with him.

What do you mean? He's got a serious gambling problem.

He does? Since when?

Since always.

Why do you think I own a barbershop called Buzzy's?

Because who'd want to get their hair cut at a barber shop called "little assholes"?

Mm-hmm! I knew it! I'm gonna k*ll him!

Buzzy's gambling with you guys, isn't he?

A.J.: Uh, no, no, no, it's just the three of us.

Well, if it's just the three of you guys, whose hand is that?

Uh, we're playin'...

Ghost poker!

That's the ghost's hand.

"Ghost poker"?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

You know, y-you deal to the ghost, and whatever the ghost has is wild.

And haunted...

Because it belongs to the gho-o-st!

Well, you know, it's a good thing he's not gambling with you guys because if he was, he'd be gambling with the money he set aside for his mother's medication.

Oh, that would not be a good thing to gamble with.

No, it would not.

His mama needs those pills to keep her brittle bones from snapping.

She's at very high risk for bone breakage.

Yeah, we get it, Tommy. Thank you.

Her little arms are like bread sticks.

Crispy, not soft-baked.

Okay, Tommy, understood.

She's like a skeleton made of balsa wood!

Right, weak bones.

That old bitch is made of sea glass.

Wow, that guy really likes to get his point across.

You know what? We can't keep playing.

I can't take any more money from Buzzy.

Neither can I.

You want to thumb-wrestle?

Sure, Lonnie, but later.

Look, the guy has no issue trying to take our money to pay off his debts.

It's not right. I mean, he's lost a lot already.

I think when he gets back, we got to find a way to lose it back to him.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, that is a good idea.

You two losers should definitely do that.

Ben, it's his mom.

I mean, you're... some would say...

Unnaturally close to your mother.

I mean, how do you not get this?

Because this is poker, all right?

There's no room for sentimentality when you're trying to part a fool from his money.

Ben, imagine if it was your mother's medication.

Not possible.

I don't think about my ma when I'm playing poker.

And my ma's in great shape.

She doesn't take prescription medication, A.J.

Well, technically, human growth hormone is...

That's a supplement, Mo!

It's a supplement, all right?!

And all her girlfriends are doing it, so...

Hey, you ready? Eh?

Ladies, you look fantastic.

[Indistinct talking] Because of what you girls did!

Aww, you're giving us too much credit.

Aww, Charmaine!

I mean it. I do not want credit for any of that.

The four drunkest guys at that wedding have no idea what's about to hit them.

Joy, are you okay? Here, sit down.

What did we say that made you so upset?

All those questions about marriage got me thinking about me and Bart and what's possibly missing.

You love him, right?

Yeah, I love him.

I mean, I think I love him. Just...

I'm not sure if I can count on him.

Hey, come have a drink with us?

Danni's buyin'.

I never said that.

Yeah, but I did, and now it's too late to go back.

Go ahead. I'll meet you there.

I'm just gonna... clean up. Okay.

Hey, girls.

Charmaine: Hi.

Hey, Joy. Whatcha doing?

Just cleaning.

I was thinking about what you said yesterday.

Oh, that was an exaggeration.

I couldn't eat chicken teriyaki every day.

It was... just very good yesterday, and I got a little carried away.

Not that...

Uh, when you said I could always count on you.

Oh, yeah, sure, of course you can.

Well, I was hoping I could count on you for some advice.

sh**t.

What would you say if someone you knew thought she was having trouble in her marriage and she suspected that maybe someone else in her life might really care about her the way that she needed to be cared for?

What would you tell her to do?

Do I know who this person is?

Yes, you do.

Is it...

Ramona Singer from "Real Housewives of New York"?

No, it's just a girl. [chuckles nervously]

A girl who's starting to think she might've married the wrong guy.

Well, uh, whoever it is, whoever she is, um, I would tell her that marriage is something that I take very seriously, and before she does anything drastic, she'd better make sure she's done everything in her power to try and make it work with...

Mr. Singer.

It's really not Ramona singer.

Well, the point is... she should go back to her husband and tell him all this, and if she does that and still wants this... other guy, then...

That's what she should do.

You're right.

You're right, Mo.

I knew I could count on you.

Hey, teriyaki king?

She was talking about you.

Oh, I know, I know!

[Sighs]

Listen, you said when the timing was right, you were gonna tell her how you felt.

That's right.

And when the timing is right... [taps] ... I will.

A.J.: Well, I got a hand like a foot.

Looks like you have a bad hand, too, Ben.

Uh, no, I don't, A.J.

I think you do, Ben.

I think I don't, A.J.

In fact, if my hand was an '80s sitcom, it would star John Stamos and the Olsen twins.

"Passport to Paris"?

"It takes two"?

Oh, those are their movies. You said sitcom.

A.J., why are you encouraging him to fold?

Did you guys talk to Tommy?

What are you talking about?

He's talking about that big black guy who was here earlier!

5'9", gay, talks about bones a lot...

The body part, not the fox drama.

He told you about my mom, right?

He didn't mention her once.

That's true. It was more like six times.

Yeah, he did, so, obviously, None of us feel comfortable taking your money.

Well, that is very sweet.

How many cards, Ben?

No, I'm good.

But, Buzzy, your ma... is my ma!

She's a tough, old broad just like me.

I don't need your pity. I don't need your charity.

If you got a problem with this, just go.

Buzzy, please...

I mean it, A.J... Leave.

Buzz, come on... anybody who's not in this game should just get off the roof now.

All right. [sighs]

I can't believe they've been going at it for three hours.

Yeah, just like Robin and that guy from the reception in the shark costume. [chuckles]

Huh?

That's funny.

I thought sharks had no natural predators.

I'll take three.

[Baby voice] Oh, Buzzy's got a lousy hand.

Yes, he does. Oh, yes, he does.

Hey, Rhonda, mind if I hold the little guy a second?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Don't worry... he didn't wet himself.

Rita spilled beer on him.

I did.

[chuckles]

All right.

I'm all in.

So am I. [sniffs]

Oh, wait, what is that?

The bet's $200. That old watch gonna cover it?

That old watch is worth a lot more than that, and it doesn't matter 'cause it's coming back to me in 10 seconds.

Three kings.

Not bad, not bad.

But I've got, uh...

Mo: ♪ And when one of us is gone ♪
♪ And one of us is left to carry on ♪

Hey, little Mo peep, you want to stop with that?

Stop what? We're just singing to a baby.

I know what you're trying to do. It's not gonna work.

Valve is shut, all right?

Sorry, I've got, uh...

Both: ♪ Then remembering will have to do ♪
♪ Our memories alone will get us through ♪

I'm not gonna think about you, mama.

I'm not gonna think about you.

What do you got, Ben?

Sorry, um, I've got, uh...

All: ♪ Think about the days of me and you ♪
♪ You and me against the world ♪

[Voice breaking] Um...

I've, uh, I've got... I-I've got nothin'. Uh...

Look, if this is about my mom...

This is not about your ma, all right?

It's about poker. I was bluffing.

But now that you mention it, Buzz, you listen to me and listen to me good, all right?

You get one ma in this lifetime.

You get one ma, so you take care of her!

You take really good care of her, all right?!

Take care of her!

I will. Uh...

[sighs] Whew!

You know, I have time for one more game if...

Get out of here, Buzzy! Get out!

[All shouting]

Are you really gonna go?

Yes, hush puppy.

I will go to a gamblers anonymous meeting.

Because if you don't, you know you're gonna put us in the poor house.

I understand.

Kiss the condo goodbye!

Got it... broke.

Wearing Kleenex boxes for shoes.

Spreading cat food for dinner.

Selling our teeth to...

Now, you see?

That's all it takes to hush a puppy.

[Chuckles] I'll see you at home.

So, did your... friend talk to, uh, her husband?

Yeah, she did.

And it was good.

She told him everything she's been feeling for years.

Uh, what did her husband say?

He said he was gonna try to be the kind of guy she could count on.

You might've saved our marriage, Mo.

Well...

[taps]

Good for me.

[Bell chimes]

Oh, my god! Baby! [squeals]

Lemarcus wanted to say goodbye.

[Baby voice] Aww! Goodbye, Lemarcus!

You're so lecute!

[normal voice] A.J., look, there's a baby.

What?! Where?!

Can he hold him? Hold him, A.J.

Oh, yeah. What?! Why are you trying to get me to hold him?

Hold him. I want to see how you hold a baby.

Okay. Hi.

Hello, there, little human. [chuckles]

Look, you're a natural.

Oh, yeah, maybe.

You're gonna be a good dad.

I like it. Makes me feel kind of warm.

But I think that's because he's peeing on me right now.

Good job! [laughs]

Did you see the pictures Robin posted of the weddin'?

How did she not know both of her breasts had popped out of her top?

Oh... She knew.

Ben: [crying]

♪ And when one of us is gone ♪
♪ And one of us is left to carry on ♪

Ma!

♪ Then remembering will have to do ♪

[Crying continues]

♪ Our memories alone will get us through ♪