Hey, buddy, we're gonna watch TV at your mom's, so the houseboat is all yours tonight.
Oh, no, it's okay. You know, I'm over the shock. You guys don't have to keep avoiding me.
You can watch TV here.
Oh, thanks, honey, but Mr. Tickle Fingers gets a little frisky when we watch Downton Abbey.
Who am I kidding?
We'll never make it to my house.
I need you to go downtown on my abbey right now.
I'm right here.
He's right there.
Let him watch.
He loves Masterpiece Theatre, and what you do down there is definitely a masterpiece.
Oh, my God!
Hey, buddy, I'm gonna go the extra mile tonight.
Can you hand me that?
Jimmy: I could never have sex with a machine.
I'm a sex machine.
Hey, buddy. Sorry. Was the TV too loud?
No, I just had a nightmare.
Oh, honey, what about?
Oh, my best friend sleeping with my mom.
Thank God that's not true.
Oh, wait, yes, it is.
Lydia: Honey, I'm sorry we've been here so much.
It's just it's kind of hard to get through an episode of anything without your father coming by the house to make himself a sandwich.
Plus, I've got a special brew on tap just for binge watching.
It's called TV Night Light. Binge without the bulge.
Oh, and it goes perfect with a five-hour block of Battlestar Galactica.
Wow, you guys have gone straight from The Graduate to This Is 40.
What is that supposed to mean?
I mean, you skipped all the fun parts of dating, like the dating... unless you guys are keeping this thing on the down low in case the gild falls off the lily.
Laughs: No, that is not what... our gild is firmly attached to our lily.
Yeah, our gild is firmly at... I'm sorry.
I don't know what we're talking about.
Nate is suggesting that we're not taking this public because we're not sure if whatever's between us will last.
That is not what we're doing.
Yeah, that's not what we're doing.
So why haven't you gone on a date?
Because dates are old-fashion-y.
You know, we're just keeping it casual... binging on the 'Flix, Instagramming our breakfast, staying away from gluten.
You know, normal stuff millennials do.
Not all millennials do that.
Yes, they do. I read it on a blog.
Wait a minute. I'm confused.
Are you happy to hang out, or do you want to go on a date?
Laughs: No! I don't want to go on a date.
No. I wouldn't... yes.
Yes, I want to go on a date, one where we wear pants that aren't made of sweat.
I-I want to wash my hair. I'm a grown-up.
You know, millennials wash their hair.
Well, lather, rinse, repeat...
'cause I'm gonna date you.
I'm so excited.
'Cause I'm gonna date you so hard.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, I'm gonna date the crap out of you.
Guys, I'm still here.
Right. I know.
♪ Hey! Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
Hey, buddy, I need your help. Wow, Sam looks good in a bikini.
Were you just Face-stalking Sam?
No! I... a good boss makes it a priority to know his employees.
Inside and out, and then back in, and then back out, and then back in, and...
Will you stop?
I don't like Sam.
I just find it interesting that you haven't had sex in one year, three months, and two days, which is right when she started working here.
Jimmy, why have you been keeping track of that?
Because you're my best friend.
You don't do that for me?
Almost as weird as your year-plus drought that apparently wasn't caused by anything.
It's caused by the fact that I'm focusing on the restaurant.
Look, if I wanted to, I could make it rain.
Really? 'Cause I'm looking at the forecast, and all I see is sunshine.
Is there a reason you came in here?
Actually, there is.
I need your help planning my date with your mom.
I'm not helping you date my mom.
Oh, come on. I think she's expecting something really fancy, and you know I've never gone past the casual hang.
I mean, I don't know where to start.
All right, what do you think of these?
A walking tour of Portland's public drinking fountains.
The Hat Museum.
Wizard Quest Dinner and Tournament?
Well, it says there it's magical.
I can't believe you've had sex with so many women and you've never taken one on a real date.
Which is why this date is so important.
All right, I need to knock your mom's socks off to make up for the fact that I've already knocked your mom's socks off.
All right, think of it this way. If you were gonna take Sam on a date, where would you take her?
How many times do I have to tell you?
I don't like... wine tasting at Ponzi and dinner at Chateauneuf.
That's amazing, but I can't afford it.
What else you got? Come on, buddy.
Throw me a bone.
Turner was always there for Hooch.
Yeah, but if Hooch slept with Turner's mom, it would ruin their partnership.
Well, it would also be bestiality.
I can't do this on my own.
Yes, you can.
You know how to please my mom way better than I do.
That's the worst thing I've ever said.
You've got to try this kohlrabi.
I companion planted it with golden beets and hyssops, so unlike your average run-of-the-mill German cabbage, it has a surprisingly nutty finish.
Oh, well, thank you, Atticus.
I was looking for something to take the Oedipal taste out of my mouth.
Yeah, listen, mate, um, I was wondering if you'd give Samantha the autumnal equinox off of work.
When's the autumnal equinox?
Oh, thanks, mate.
Are you taking Sam on a special date?
What do you got planned?
Well, my inquisitive friend, the equinox is a time of transition.
So when the sun sets, I'm gonna take our relationship to the next level.
You're gonna watch her pee?
You're gonna propose to her?
No. No, I'm gonna shag her outside with the stars up above and the dirt down below.
It's the next level for shag mates.
What about you, Nathaniel?
You got someone special to share the equinox with?
Jimmy: Just his customers...
Nate's really focused on work right now.
Well, there's no reason you can't mix business with pleasure and pleasure someone in your place of business.
Yeah, the equinox is as good a time as any to make it rain, and if you aren't into Sa... aving yourself for marriage, then there's, uh, no reason not to.
You know what? You're absolutely right, Jimmy.
There's no need to check the weekend forecast, because I predict it's gonna be cloudy with a chance of my b*lls.
It's raining men!
Men... I... it's not... I'm the... I'm just gonna...
Man, I always thought he was a virgin.
Buddy, hey, your mom keeps asking me what to wear, and I am nowhere with this date, but what do you think of...
Jimmy, I told you I'm not gonna help you date my mom, so you'll have to figure this out on your own.
And I told you I can't.
Then I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to find another Turner.
Fine, but don't blame me if your mom wears a sport coat to something that doesn't involve sports.
By the way, that chick is totally checking you out.
Yeah, well, I hope she's got an umbrella 'cause I'm gonna make it rain.
Hi. I'm Nate. I own this restaurant.
Would you like to get a drink sometime?
Yes. How about right now?
I asked for a gimlet, like, forever ago.
Oh, yeah, we...
Oh, there it is.
Hey, you, what's the book about?
It's about a creepy guy that st*lks pretty girls.
Pepper: Double fault.
That's got to hurt.
You saw all that?
You know, you would have an easier time if you rallied with someone with a bit more experience.
But my friends call me someone with a bit more experience.
Give me a call if you want someone to help you with your stroke.
I'll bet she could go five sets without taking a break.
Sam, that woman's my mother's age.
So what? She's smoking hot.
Plus, it looks like she's a sure thing.
Look, even if I wanted to, I can't.
I have to work tomorrow 'cause you're taking the day off to spend the equinox with Atticus.
No, that's okay. I'll cancel with Atticus.
No, I mean... I don't know. You'd do that for me?
No, but I would do it for Marlowe down low.
15 months is a really long time in penis years.
Jimmy told you that?
Um, yeah, well, I-I guess I'll go out with her then.
Good. You might want to bring some fresh b*lls... you know, for tennis.
Oh, the last time we made love, you were wearing that blazer.
Are you kidding, Harrison?
No, as I recall, your hair was up and your pants were down.
Well, as I recall, my hair was the only thing up that day.
Okay, truce. Listen.
I just came by to drop off a little toy for your boy.
Hmm, good. Is there a camera in that?
Yeah, okay. You take that.
Lydia, I just want to know.
Are you doing all this to get back at me?
I've told you a hundred times, I did not have sexual relations with that woman until after you threw me out, and then we just had a lot of sex.
I don't care about the time line of your sexcapades with Janet.
I'm too busy picking out an outfit for my date with Jimmy.
Jimmy's taking you out on a date?
How did you rope into that?
I didn't rope.
I just... I just stood up for what I wanted, and, and, um, he agreed.
You know why? Because he listens to me.
You should take a lesson.
From the kid who still pees in our yard? No, thank you.
Lydia, I wouldn't over-think the outfit.
I mean, there's no dress code at Chuck E. Cheese.
Okay, Harrison, no! Take the bear!
So, uh, what are we doing here, exactly?
We're having the best day ever.
It doesn't smell like we are.
This is where I bring all the truly special birds.
When a woman lets your cucumber slip slowly through her fingers into a lukewarm vinegar bath, you're bonded for life.
Well, she does like cucumbers...
But I don't know.
Come on. Pickle my cucumber and see for yourself.
Come on. Come on, take it.
Take the whole thing. There.
Now, I'll be you, and you be Lydia.
♪ When I-I-I ♪
♪ Look in his eye-eye-eyes ♪
Let it slip through your fingers.
How does that make you feel?
Well, as Lydia, I am confused about what I'm doing here.
Well, as Jimmy, I feel hurt that you're not taking our date seriously.
Well, as Lydia, I'm upset that you don't seem to know me at all.
All right, the... this isn't working for me.
Well, as Jimmy, that's not how I was feeling.
Man, I'm giving you everything here and you keep pulling away.
I'm sorry, all right? I tried to let you in.
It just doesn't feel right.
Did Nathaniel have any better ideas?
Well, actually, he did mention wine tasting at Ponzi and then dinner at Chateauneuf, which Lydia would love.
I just can't afford it... unless you were willing to loan me the money.
Oh, I don't loan money to my friends, but I am willing to let you work for it.
(Atticus whistles melody)
This dirt smells like crap.
Because that dirt is crap.
That makes sense, then.
Lydia: Oh, Jimmy, this place is beautiful!
I'm so excited!
Uh, hello, welcome to Ponzi Winery.
My name is Dylan.
Do you two have a reservation?
Yes, a reserved tasting for two under Jimmothy Barnes.
Oh, my adopted parents are Korean.
Okay, let's see.
Oh, unfortunately, it says here your reservation is for tomorrow, and we're booked solid today.
Oh, I can't believe I screwed this up.
Oh, please, you don't know how important this is to us.
He has worked so hard on this date.
I'm sorry. We're a very small winery.
No, no, this place is a freaking cathedral.
I'm sure you can find a place to seat us.
I'm sorry, ma'am, but my hands are tied.
Dylan, if you don't find us a space, I will shave off that chin beard and show the world you have no jawline.
Look at that.
Some space just opened up.
And just so you know, when I have wine, I get a little handsy.
Oh, well, what a coincidence.
We're at a winery.
Jimmy: Whoa, Nate!
What are you doing here?
I'm on my date, and, apparently, so are you.
Jimmy, Mom, this is...
Pepper? Pepper Spinner?
Oh, my goodness!
How funny is this?
Well, if I'd known this guy was your son, I would've asked you to sign a permission slip.
If I would've known it was so he could go out with you, I totally would've signed it.
Oh, I should hope so.
Women like us have to stick together.
Should we all share a table?
Nothing warms me up more than a little mixed doubles.
Nate: Well, if that's what you want to do...
You're what I want to do.
You know what? Actually, we have a table.
Actually, you don't.
Turns out nothing opened up.
Please, don't shave me.
So, uh, how do you two know each other?
Oh, Pepper and I used to play tennis together at the club.
But then my husband developed an Asian fetish and fell in love with a woman who looked like Connie Chung.
I don't know who that is.
Oh, she's like the Asian Barbara Walters.
You don't know who Barbara Walters is?
First rule of dating younger men, no dated references.
I know who Barbara Walters is.
Oh, good for you, baby.
I got a smart one.
Anyway, after my divorce, I got the house and my ex got the club, which is why Lydia and I haven't seen each other in ages, but we're in a new club now.
No one over 30 allowed.
Except us, right?
So, uh, Pepper, um, do you have any kids?
Oh, no, not me.
The only babies that go in here are other people's.
(Mimics baby crying)
Dylan, more wine, please!
Nate and I will get it.
Nate? Hey, buddy.
I think your cougar is making your mom uncomfortable.
Really? Because I think my mom is ruining my date with a sure thing.
Why are you taking a sure thing on a date?
Not the point, Dylan.
The point is, you see that rain outside?
I made that, and Pepper may be having a good time playing mixed doubles, but I can't enjoy her advances in front of my mother.
Then take Pepper somewhere else.
Your mom was so excited when we got here, and I don't have a backup plan. Come on, buddy.
I will do your laundry for a month.
My mother does my laundry.
I'll wash my forks after I use them.
You don't wash your forks?
Well, I figured if we shared a toothbrush, it wasn't that important.
We share a toothbrush?
I left mine at your mom's.
Okay, that's it, no.
If anyone is leaving, it's you. This is my date spot.
I would've went somewhere else if you had helped me.
Yeah, and I would've helped you if you weren't dating my mother.
Whoa. Your girl's his mother?
Not now, Dylan.
Look, Nate, I'm not stupid, all right?
I know that me being with your mom has changed things between you and I, but I need you, and I tried to replace you, but I can't.
You're my person.
Is that from Grey's Anatomy?
Your mom and I have been watching a lot of TGIT.
So, how many of Nate's friends have you landed since the divorce?
Oh, no, no, just... just the one.
Jimmy's the one. Yeah.
I thought you said that kid was the one... like, "the one" the one.
Well, we haven't really defined it yet, so I don't know.
Sweetie, let me give you some advice.
Little boys are into grown women for one of two reasons.
One: they want k*ller, uncomplicated sex with a woman who can orgasm on a dime or two nickels.
Two: they secretly want to sleep with their own mothers.
Hold on a second.
Are you suggesting that my son is with you because he wants to have sex with me?
I guess we won't know until we see how much time little Natey spends with his motor between my boats.
You are so trashy!
You did not just do that!
Oh, I did!
Hey, everybody be cool!
I'm sorry! I am sorry!
I have tried to deal with her for the sake of both of our dates, but she was totally inappropriate first.
Lydia, relax. I was just having a little fun.
I mean, isn't that what we're doing here, having some fun?
No, Jimmy and I are not having fun.
I mean, we're not just having fun.
We actually really care about each other.
Come on. He's a child.
He may be a child, but he's my child.
Actually, I'm your child.
My... my point is... I care about Jimmy, and he cares about me, and I really resent you saying that what we have is cheap and cliché.
I am not you, Pepper.
I am not a cougar.
I'm sorry, what?
I prefer the term kitty hawk.
Like a hawk that hunts kitties.
It's a work in progress. It just... cougar feels dated.
Nate, I'm bored.
Want to go have sex on my catamaran?
Actually, Pepper, I-I think I'm gonna follow my mom's lead here and say this isn't me.
I-I'm not really a freaky catamaran sex kind of guy.
Nate doesn't want to have sex with me.
That was weird.
The only ship he has sex in is a relationship.
If you knew that, then why did you push me to make it rain?
I was just trying to get you to admit that you liked Sam.
I... no, I don't like Sam.
I just... I don't want to have sex with someone I don't care about.
Wow, looks like someone raised you right.
Hey, Jimmy, I'm sorry that I ruined the date that I roped you into taking me on.
Oh, it's all right, we'll just do a do-over.
Actually, can we not? I don't want to force anything.
I actually really like hanging out with you.
I just wanted to go on a date because I wanted to feel like a couple, but that's kind of hard to do when...
When the age difference is so big.
When I don't know how to defend it, because I don't know what we are.
What do you mean?
You're my girlfriend, aren't you?
What do you say we, uh, go finish Battlestar Galactica?
I have an idea on how to spice it up a little bit...
Which I won't talk about in front of my son.
You know what, buddy?
You did the right thing about Pepper.
I may not know much, but I know the only thing better than a sure thing is the real thing.
Remind me to send new slogan idea to a certain national cola company.
What happened to Pepper?
Well, she's consistent.
Hey, boss man. What are you doing here?
Well, it turns out I wasn't so sure about my sure thing, so I thought I'd come by and keep you company.
Oh, well, actually it was kind of a slow night, so Atticus came by to keep me company.
And by keep me company, I mean have sex with me in the walk-in.
I'm glad the health inspector didn't stop by.
Atticus: Not to worry!
All cleared up with the health inspector.
Back so soon?
It's okay, mate. Come here.
Don't worry. First time's always a quickie.
Okay. Well, listen.
Since I'm back, why don't you two get out of here and go enjoy the rest of the equinox?
Oh, thanks, mate. You're a good egg.
Harrison: Looks like it's just you and me, kid.
Like loser, like son.
Dad, what are you doing here?
I am mourning the death of my marriage.
I really thought she was doing all this just to get back at me, but, wow.
She's taking it a little far.
I don't think this is about you or me.
It seems to be about her.
Yeah, no, that can't be it. Egg roll?
Ah, seriously, stop bringing food here.
Seriously, why don't you tell Sam you like her?
I don't like Sam.
And I'm not still in love with your mother.
Sometimes the worst lies we tell are the ones we tell ourselves.
Give me the damn egg roll.
(Groovy electronic music)
You were right. This is sexy.
Muffled: Lieutenant Starbuck requesting permission to dry-dock.
Sorry, I can't understand you.
Muffled: Oh, I said, "Lieutenant St...
Lieutenant Starbuck requesting permission to dry-dock."
Wait. Why dry-dock?
Oh, I just thought it was the safest way to dock in space.
I don't know, maybe we shouldn't do Battlestar Galactica.
It's a good call, 'cause space is so hard to sexualize.
We can do another show.
We could do a movie. "The Humper Games."
"How to Ride the Train on Your Dragon."
Ew, yeah. Too close to home.
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01x02 - Mixed Doubles
Episode transcripts for the 2015 TV show "Significant Mother". Aired: August 2015 to October 2015.
"Significant Mother" is about a guy who starts sleeping with and then continues to date his best friend's, and roommate's, recently separated Mom.
1 post • Page 1 of 1
1 post • Page 1 of 1