01x03 - Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog

[bunniefuu]

[loud clattering] Ow!

Ben: Man, could you keep it down out there?

You keep it down in there.

Yo, man, I'm trying to sleep.

Ah, this must be your messy brother.

Hello.

I'm noticing you have on an eye patch.

I do. And boy did Ben shiver my timbers.

Tina: Well, I got to get to work.

It was fun.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't go.

Let's do more of what we did last night.

Next time.

You're out of peanut butter anyway.

Arr, matey.

So you ate all my peanut butter?

There's still a little left.

But trust me, you don't want it.

Look, I can't live like this anymore.

This place is disgusting.

You're right, man.

I've been trying to find a maid to have sex with, but it's so specific.

What is this?

Orange soda.

You spilled orange soda on my test papers?

No. I spilled orange soda on your computer, and I thought quick and used your papers to wipe it up.

Is my computer working?

I mean, not if you want to turn it on.

That's it.

Ben, I've had it.

Okay, you're inconsiderate, you are a slob, and it's been six months since you paid any rent.

Craig, what happened to you, man?

You used to be "good time" Craig.

Now you're just a d*ck.

I'm a d*ck that pays the bills.

Speaking of which, I just got our new credit card statement.

Yo, I use that credit card for everything.

I know.

We're maxed out.

We're sinking, and you're just putting new holes in the boat.

In fact, there are more holes than boat.

Bro, I love you.

But if you don't get your act together, I got to throw you out.

You need to clean, get a job, and stop dating physically and emotionally damaged women.

Read this.

I want to hear it in a nerdian accent.

"Amazingly-Freaking-Awesome-Cool-Dude seeking roommate situation. Has own deep-fryer and hot tub. My fears are: "arranging spice racks, sign language, taxidermy, Baked Alaska, and pasta necklaces... Particularly ziti. No ziti ever."

I think you forgot to mention that at some point you're planning on wearing your new roommate's skin.

I got to find a place.

My building's going co-op in a month.

I got to be out.

Yo, what's up?

Jimmy's looking for a roommate to do weird stuff to.

Do weird stuff to mine.

He won't clean or pay his rent.

Oh, Ben must hate that guy.

Ben is that guy.

He's a terrible roommate.

He has to get a job and get himself together or I'm gonna be financially ruined.

Are my non-Babar-related dreams coming true?

Are you asking me to be your roommate?

I can pay you rent.

That's something I haven't heard in six months.

I could use the money.

Well, use me, man.

Use me like a One Direction groupie.

I'm a neat freak.

My old place was so clean you could do surgery there, and I did.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but, yes, Jimmy.

How would you like to share Ben's room with him?

But only short-term, and only if you can get him to clean up.

That's the plan.

Okay, well, on one hand, plans are for suckers and Germans.

On the other hand... oh, my God!

I thought you'd never ask!

[growls happily]

This is a great day!

Craig.

This is Jimmy's roommate ad for evidence.

Everyone, say hello to Mr. Pickles.

all: Hi, Mr. Pickles.

Mr. Pickles.

Oh, my God.

He is so cute!

How long have you had him?

Mr. Pickles and I go back five years.

I rescued him from a bad lady.

A very bad lady.

Bad lady.

And now we're bestest buddies.

Does Mr. Pickles have a first name?

Dilbert.

So you call him "Dill" for short.

[laughs]

No, Craig.

Because Dill...

Never mind.

Anyhoo, I'm going to Wichita for a conference... k*ll me... and Eileen has offered to watch Mr. Pickles for the week.

Now, you be good.

No funny stuff.

I'm talking to you, Eileen.

If anything happens to Dilbert...

well, we've all seen k*ll Bill.

I'll see you all in a week.

See you.

See you, Dalton.

Principal Taylor, what's wrong?

I'm scared to death of dogs.

I was bitten when I was little.

Look at him.

I know when you see him, you see something cute.

I just see a bloodthirsty dingo.

Then why did you agree to watch him?

Because Dalton is giving me my performance review next week, and I need a raise.

I'm sucking up, okay?

Dill Pickles.

Hello.

Jimmy, grab me another mint julep, will you?

Of course.

Extra mint this time, Craig?

Mind-reader.

Yeah, well, I was chased out of my hometown for being a witch.

What the hell happened in here?

I happened in here, roomie!

Welcome home, Ben. Say hello to Jimmy.

He cleans, pays rent, and is sharing your room.

Oh, hell no!

Okay. Shoes off!

I ain't taking my damn shoes off.

If you don't, me and you are going at it, pig-pen.

You should know I'm a biter.

[yelps] All right. All right.

I'll take my shoes off.

Yeah, you will.

Until you get a job, start cleaning up after yourself, and generally acting like an adult, Jimmy is your landlord.

Yeah, and I got one rule.

You're gonna use coasters.

And you're gonna take the garbage out.

Oh, and you're going to date women with two of everything.

Craig, are you serious about this?

Sorry, bro. You made your own bed.

Or you didn't.

Why don't you get back there and make our bed!

Craig.

Now, soldier!

Go!

[shrieks]

Go, go, go, go, go!

Like that?

Just like that.

Yes.

Now... Hello?

This mint julep isn't gonna refill itself.

Sorry, Craig.

Of course he's got a fourth-floor walk up.

I'll get you some water, Mr. Pickles.

No, no, no.

Get down from there, Mr. Pickles.

[barking]

No!

Mr. Pickles.

Mr. Pickles was standing on the open ledge, and I said to get down.

And he jumped.

Out the window?

Four floors.

Damn.

Whoa.

That's a dead dog.

Dalton loved that dog.

He is going to fire me and then k*ll me.

Then dig me up and fire me again.

Well, what did you do with the body?

I never found it.

All I could find was his collar.

Sometimes they hit so hard, they just vaporize.

Jimmy!

It's like "Poof!"

Gone.

Like a bloody magic trick.

Wait. You've seen at before?

Yeah, in Bangkok.

You can see anything for 30 baht.

Maybe Mr. Pickles didn't vaporize.

He did.

We can all go look for him after school.

Yeah, I'll go with Ashleigh!

Uh...

To look.

Thanks, you guys.

I'm gonna make flyers to pass around the neighborhood.

P.T., if he's out there, we'll find him.

[inhales deeply]

We're probably breathing him right now.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mr. C, why is my test orange?

I can't even see what I got.

My brother spilled soda on it.

[smacks lips]

My test tastes like diet sunshine.

Okay, listen up, everybody.

This is not a drill.

This is a code one canine emergency.

Pass these out, please.

Supervisor Dalton's dog may or may not be missing.

What happened to him?

I was gonna take him for a walk...

But instead he went for a drop.

Students, please, study this flyer.

Learn it.

Share it.

There's a $500 reward and a get-out-of-detention-free card forever.

Dead or alive?

Alive.

But dead would give me closure too.

Jimmy: I'm gonna mop the floor with you!

Yes!

Jimmy is breaking him!

Whoo!

What's going on in here?

[Jimmy groans]

[grunts]

Ben bet me I couldn't eat all that nacho cheese.

And he was right.

I... I threw up all over your room.

[shouts]

Thank you, Craig, for my new playmate.

Yeah, thank you, Craig!

I had no idea living in squalor could be so freeing!

[both shouting indistinctly]

Wait, wait, wait! Time out!

Okay, time out! Time out.

Official.

Craig: Is that sand?

Where did you get sand?

Jimmy convinced me to live at the beach in my mind.

Jimmy, what happened to the plan?

Hey, Craig, this supersedes the plan, man.

Ben really got me in touch with my inner child.

And the inner Jimmy is so messy.

And awesome.

And leaving.

You got to go now. Good-bye.

Nope.

See, you've already cashed my rent check, Craig, so the only way you can evict me is if you go to court and get an Order of Possession.

Otherwise...

[darts snap]

I'll sue.

Time in! Swords!

Whoa! Whoa!

Come on!

[both screaming]

Mr. Robinson.

Yeah, baby. Say my name.

Let me bite that.

Oh, Mr. Robinson!

P.T.! Good morning.

I just had a crazy dream about you.

Oh.

So, what, you're sleeping here now?

Oh, the rumors about Jimmy moving in with you must be true.

My plan completely backfired.

Ben turned Jimmy from a neat-freak into a mindless vagrant who weirdly outsmarted me.

Now they have a voting bloc against me.

They want to ban flushing the toilet.

They say they're "going for the record," whatever that means.

I don't know what to do.

Well, if I've learned anything in my years of controlling teenage cliques, you got to drive a wedge between them.

Grab the weaker one and turn them.

Bend them over your will and spank any resistance out of them.

That's what I'm looking for.

Target the weak one.

Thank you!

Mm-hmm.

You're a really scary lady.

Oh, you have no idea.

Any luck with Mr. Pickles?

Nothing.

But whereas you have enlisted the two dumbest people in the world to help you, I have enlisted two of the smartest.

So I'm...

You're right in the middle.

So I dropped a jar of pickles representing Mr. Pickles from Dalton's window.

Now, the distance he traveled can be computed by the formula D equals 1/2 G T squared.

Samir, I've never seen you so "take charge" before.

I own science's ass.

If D is the distance fallen and G is the acceleration of gravity towards Earth, That's 9.8 meters per second squared.

So confident, so virile.

Masculine, even.

So that makes the distance Pickles fell 220 feet .979 inches.

I'm feeling much closer. Samir.

So close!

We're so close to solving this.

All we have to do is measure a radius of 220 feet from Dalton's apartment, and we can pinpoint exactly where Pickles fell, which I've illustrated right here.

That puts Mr. Pickles in the middle of the street.

Or does it?

What day did Pickles fall?

Monday.

Notice anything... empty?

The... the dumpster...

Samir, you're a genius!

I'm gonna go find the dog.

Thank you! I could kiss you.

Oh, the thanks belongs to science.

Did she say kiss?

Stupid, stupid, stupid science!

Ashleigh! Wait up!

The thanks belongs to me!

Hey, Craig, Ben and I missed you last night.

We played "Avoid The Dart."

And then we played "What's My Hand In?"

Man, I got to thank you for bringing Ben into my life.

Oh, hey, BTW, from now on, you can start referring to us as "Bimmy" or "Ji-Ben."

That's great, Bimmy.

I'm so glad you guys are getting closer.

I've got to say, though, I'm a little jealous.

Well, then join us.

Man, we can be the musketeers!

We've already got the swords.

And the muskets.

See, the thing is, I really only think that place is only big enough for two people, you know?

This is what I'm trying to say.

I think we should be roommates.

Oh, well, I think I like what you think.

So we just need to get rid of Ben.

Yes! I will k*ll Ben.

Criss-cross.

No, no, no, no, I don't want you to k*ll Ben.

And I don't want to k*ll anybody.

I just... I just need you to get him to move out.

He's a dead man.

No, no, no, no, no.

I need you to bother him enough that he wants to leave.

That's it?

I can do that in my sleep.

Or his sleep.

I'm going to not k*ll Ben.

What kind of dangerous game are you playing, Craig?

I need to get my life back, and the only way to do that is to break up the Jimmy and Ben clique.

I'm gonna have Jimmy irritate Ben so bad that he wants Jimmy to leave.

But if you get Jimmy to leave, you're gonna be in the exact same spot with Ben.

But this time I'll have leverage.

Unless Jimmy kills Ben.

Then you're going to prison.

Bimmy!

Ji-Ben!

What's up, roomie?

Oh, you got a new girl. Okay.

Excuse me?

No, no, no. He's just joking.

Jimmy, what are you doing?

I'm here to save this girl, Ben.

Or should I say Midnight Strangler.

[stammers]

I think I'm gonna go.

Hey, look, I'm just a casual observer, but if I were you, I would run.

Run!

Run for your life!

No!

Babe, I just bought a whole case of peanut butter!

Damn!

Jimmy, what's gotten into you?

Hold that thought.

I noticed it's been getting warmer outside, so I went ahead and cut all your pants off into shorts.

You're insane.

Wait till you see what I did to your leather jackets.

I mean, your belly vests.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Now you got to go.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do!

No, I don't!

No, get out!

No, you've got to go!

I'm gonna help you pack!

Craig, you got to help me with Jimmy.

He's out of control.

He's making belly vests that look like Prince's cousin.

Look, I want him gone too. All right?

But my hands are tied.

He's paying rent.

Look. I'll pay you rent.

I'll get a job.

I'll do whatever I got to do, What about cleaning?

Absolutely.

You'll flush the toilet?

Man, we so close to the record.

Fine.

All right, all right, all right.

Look, look.

Whatever we got to do to get him out.

Every alien being has its kryptonite.

I have Jimmy's.

Of course.

Jimmy's afraid of paper.

Dalton: Eileen!

Taylor: Supervisor Dalton.

You're back early.

I stopped by my apartment, and Mr. Pickles wasn't there.

Is he here?

Not exactly.

Where the hell is Mr. Pickles, Eileen?

Talk, woman!

Aww.

Who is this sweet little girl?

That's your dog.

This isn't my dog.

Yes.

That's your dog.

$500.

Son, what's wrong with you?

It's a long list.

We have to tell you something.

No, I have to tell you something...

[distant barking]

Dalton: Mr. Pickles!

Oh!

He smells like a piña colada.

Eileen, did you take Mr. Pickles to the groomer to make him handsome for my return?

That's exactly what she did.

Thank you, Eileen.

I will glow when filling out your evaluation and make sure you get a raise.

I still don't know whose dog that is.

Wait. Eileen.

Did you fall so in love with Mr. Pickles that you went out and got a rescue dog of your own?

Yes. That's exactly what I did.

Now we can have a doggy playdate.

Great.

Come on, Mr. Pickles, let's go home.

You can drive.

[whispering] Where did you find Mr. Pickles?

We were able to reconstruct what happened to Mr. Pickles.

He did jump out of the window, but luckily he fell into a passing garbage truck.

We thought we should get him cleaned him up before Dalton got back.

Our only choices were piña colada or taco.

Thank you. Thank you guys so much.

And, kids, I really appreciate you trying to pass off our three-legged friend here as Mr. Pickles, Do you guys think you can take her home now?

We can't.

We found her living in an empty rail car.

And the train's not there anymore.

I guess we could take her to a shelter or something.

Aww.

What the hell.

Come on, Tripod.

Kids, help me get her to my car.

[laughs]

Now I have to find a place for another stray...

Jimmy.

[Jimmy humming loudly]

What's up, guys? What's going on?

4:00 to 5:00 is crafts hour.

I'm arranging my spice rack.

I like to go alphabetical.

Spice rack.

You guys have never done that stuff before.

Well, you're just starting to get to know us.

That's true.

What is that you're doing right there, Craig?

What is that?

Oh, we communicate through signing sometimes.

Yeah, I don't know why, but hand movements that represent words and letters, they freak me out.

[screams]

That... what is... That's not...

Oh, it's taxidermy.

It relaxes me.

I'm posing this squirrel to look like Bruno Mars.

[oven timer dings]

Oh, who's ready for some Baked Alaska?

Me!

[screams]

[screams]

Yeah.

Oh, man, I can barely stand up.

Spice racks, taxidermy, Baked Alaska...

I got to sit down, you guys.

Hey, Jimmy.

Keep that away from me.

Relax.

No, no, no, no, no.

Relax, man.

Look, put this on. I made it for you.

No, that's ziti!

I'm terrified of ziti!

Well, that's too bad, 'cause me and Craig keep ziti all over the house.

Look, you guys, I can't live like this, okay?

Ben, can you... can you give us a minute, please?

One minute.

Okay.

99, 98, 95...

Wow. Look at that.

It's like somebody read a pamphlet with all my fears in it.

Hand it over.

One roommate ad.

Did you know the whole time?

No. Just after the taxidermy.

Look, Craig, I get it. You miss your brother, right?

And I probably went a little too far.

All you got to do is say something, man.

I'm your friend.

You know, and one more thing.

What's that?

I had a great time. You know?

But let Ben keeping thinking that I'm pissed at him.

That way, you'll get what you want out of him.

All right? So listen.

Yell at me.

What?

Like you're kicking me out. Yell at me.

Get out of here, man.

Give it to me!

Get out of here!

More!

Jimmy! Get out now!

I'm not playing with you.

Okay.

Oh, I'm going, Craig! [screams]

Yeah.

Is he gone?

Yeah. I handled it.

Thanks, Craig.

both: Swords!

[both screaming and grunting]

Wait, wait. Wait, wait.

[both screaming and grunting]

Craig: ♪ I like coming over ♪
♪ I really mean it ♪
♪ Girl, your apartment ♪
♪ When you gonna clean it? ♪
♪ How am I supposed to concentrate ♪
♪ On your booty? ♪
♪ When all I can smell ♪
♪ Is leftover stale foody? ♪

Ben and Craig: ♪ I think I saw a mouse ♪
♪ This is a real funk house ♪
♪ Somebody's eating trout ♪
♪ You got a real funk house ♪
♪ Roaches sleeping on the couch ♪
♪ Real funk house ♪

Thank y'all so much.

My name is Craig Robinson.

And I'm Ben Robinson.

We are the Nasty Delicious.

[cheers and applause] Thank you so much.

Good night.

[cheers and applause]

Time to go to work.

A promise is a promise.

All right, fill the ice well, wipe down all the bottles, and wash my car.

Then wipe down all the tables, sweep the floors, and wash my car too.

[scoffs] My pleasure.

The life of a working man!

Where's he going?

Is he starting with the cars?

No. He's not coming back.