01x05 - Doctor Doctor

[bunniefuu]

Rehab: I had to go to therapy in all five detox centers I've been to.

Bam Bam: Was it beneficial?

Rehab: You just heard me say five, right?

See, this is what I'm saying, guys; it's not gonna work.

Gigi: Hey, Dad, Dad, we are doing this whether you like it or not.

Yeah, what harm could it do?

What harm could it do?

Did you see the Metallica documentary where they had that life enhancement coach, and it almost destroyed the band?

Bam Bam: Yeah, but it didn't. It actually saved them.

And our guy, he's not a coach.

Flash: Hey, he fixed Daltrey, Townshend, Kings of Leon, saved Aerosmith.

Yeah, he should have saved us all from Aerosmith.

Those guys are like 100 years old now.

Gigi: Oh, I think Joe Perry's still got it.

Hey, when we met you said I had a Joe Perry rock elder statesman vibe.

Gigi: Oh, that's 'cause you kind of do.

Yeah, you know who else has a Joe Perry elder rock statesman kind of vibe?

Who?

Joe [...] Perry, assh*le.

Bam Bam: Joe Perry's got great hair.

Hey, Steven Tyler has great hair.

He's got a great ass too.

Really?

I'm a drummer.

I've been looking at lead singer's asses my whole life.

I know what I'm talking about.

You really got to get help, you know?

Huh? How's my ass look, by the way?

It's okay.

Just okay?

It's just okay.

Gigi: Oh, my God, and he needs help?

[hard rock music]

♪ Sex and dr*gs and rock and roll ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't want to die ♪
♪ Anonymous ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪

[waves lapping]

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

[mouthing words]

Mmm. Mmm.

It's the ocean kissing the shore.

It's a calm and it's a quiet way to begin a new relationship.

Now... any questions?

Yeah.

Are you an actual doctor?

Yes, and I also practice therapeutic shamanism.

Yeah, he's a witchdoctor. That's what- that's what I thought.

"Therapeutic shamanism" is a--a healing process.

It's based on four centuries of Native American beliefs.

I am a recognized member of the Nakota Indian tribe.

I believe a box of yesterday's rain will heal today's spiritual wound.

I'm sorry, this-- this sounds like some creeped out Grateful Dead bullshit to me.

I'm with Johnny on this one.

You're with me?

Yes.

Thank you, Rehab.

You're welcome.

Okay.

Listen, man, are you an actual shrink or not?

Can you prescribe medication?

I am a licensed psychiatrist.

I can prescribe any and all FDA-approved medications as well as medicinal herbs.

Yeah, I'm not with you on this one anymore.

Flash: It's really not up to Johnny, Doc.

We're all excited to be here.

Yeah, I'm very excited to be here, Doctor.

I haven't been to the ocean in, like, ten years.

Thank God, can you imagine him in a bathing suit?

The fish would need g*dd*mn therapy.

Okay, I have a few food issues.

A few? Let's try all. You have all the issues.

Okay, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

Okay, the finger pointing. It's endless, okay.

He's always trying to point the finger at what's going on with everybody else.

Meanwhile, he's got a booze and blow issue.

Johnny: No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't have a blow issue.

I stopped doing blow. I have a booze and weed issue, and it's not an issue at all.

It's--it's just my thing.

Yeah, you got a pill problem.

Uh, prescription pill problem, which my doctor created to solve all my other issues.

Doc, you see how insane they all sound?

Don't listen to him, okay.

The only reason he's here-- this is my daughter.

He's here because he wants to have sex with her.

Oh, my God.

No, that's the truth.

No, that's not the truth.

I'm here because I believe in forgiveness.

I believe that I can escape the shackles of the past.

Plus, Gigi is, like, totally into me.

Johnny: Yeah, there's your answer right there.

Okay, you know what I think?

I think that this band--I feel that this band has lost sight completely of what made them so unforgettable starting out, and now they're just hung up on stupid resentments from, like, two decades ago.

I'm not.

Yes, you are.

I am not.

You totally are.

Hey, I am living in the here and now, assh*le, okay?

Your hairdo's still stuck in 1992.

Ooh!

Hey, he's here to deal with his fear of success, so just lay off.

Flash: Oh, failing his balls off in Belgium?

What was that bullshit?

He freaked out on stage in front of 4,000 people.

Because you gave him untested tranqs and benzos, bushface.

Yeah, because the old man can't handle it!

Hey, I can't hear the ocean.

Rehab: Shut up!

[all speaking at once]

Ahh...

[groans]

Relax.

Okay? Just let it go.

You know, I find this is very common in musical circumstances where members of the tribe, they lose their way to anger and to envy, but fortunately, I am deeply trained in the art of soul retrieval.

I can heal all of these issues.

I can heal the food and the alcohol and the dr*gs, you know, 'cause all of these things are all related to an emotion.

Now, the way I like to work is, I want to have these individual sessions, okay.

All of you in your own work environment, and you're gonna heal.

I can feel the heal.

You got any questions?

Rehab: Yeah, can you get your hands on some kick-ass peyote buttons for medicinal purposes?

Oh, my God. I have so much I'd-- that I want to say.

Okay, I know, I'm so-- I'm excited.

Okay, so do I just-- do I just talk?

Just start talking?

Open.

Okay, okay, great.

So...

What's Steven Tyler really like?

I'm so happy to be here.

I'm happy you're here too.

Those lips, mmm.

It's like he's wearing a vag*na on his face.

Who is that on your T-shirt?

Oh, that's me.

It's one of my old bands.

It's cool, right?

There you are, and there you are.

You thought about that?

It's just a cool T-shirt, man.

I'm afraid almost all of the time, and I don't think that anyone else in the band knows that.

Johnny--Johnny tagged me with that name, you know, 'cause I was in and out of rehab all the time.

I--and you know what, I hate the name.

So shallow, and I'm not a shallow person, Doc.

I'm deep.

Have you thought about being a man who has to wear a picture of himself to remind others that he is a man?

I'm not real comfortable with this face to face thing.

Can I--can I lay down?

Isn't that the more traditional thing?

I don't know, I think that the band and my dad, I think they think I'm really tough, that nothing really gets to me, but really I'm just freaking out in my head all day.

Which is why I'm terrified to do dr*gs.

I won't do dr*gs, you know, because I'd probably just k*ll myself.

Doing--I mean, I'm not-

I'm not gonna k*ll myself.

You're not gonna write that down, right, 'cause that would be so awkward if we were, like, reading this back to each other, and then you said I was suicidal.

Doc, let me ask you a question.

Okay, just answer me honestly.

Okay.

How old do you think I am?

If I'm picking up on the right vibe here, I'm getting the sense--

Like 30-something?

Late 30s?

Not that kind of vibe.

Oh.

I'm like a vessel.

I walk the earth, and I breathe it in, and I absorb it.

I'm not really like a vessel, am I.

I'm more like a--a sponge.

What are you writing?

"Sponge."

Yeah, but you know, "vessel" sounds cooler.

Then I'll write "vessel."

I had three dads growing up.

My real dad was a-- a bookie and a raging alcoholic.

I'm really interested in family...

Mm-hmm.

And you have a family.

It's a band, and are you aware of the-- the dysfunction of your family?

[deep sigh]

My first stepdad was an alchie and a cokehead.

Mm-hmm.

Stepdad number two--

Was he an alcoholic?

No. Cop.

He actually busted the other two dads.

Do you feel at peace?

Johnny?

Johnny?

[snoring]

Greg Dulli stole my vibe.

Dave Grohl stole my aura.

And this whole thing with Flash, sometimes I'm--

I'm nervous that the only thing that's drawing me to him is that, you know, is that father figure I never had.

Makes me look, what? 37?

You said you're--you're practiced in the art of soul retrieval, right?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Can you suck my vibe back out of Dulli and my aura out of Dave Grohl's assh*le, huh?

Have you seen Steven Tyler naked?

I mean, besides emotionally.

What are my triggers?

I don't know, pepperoni pizza, jelly doughnuts, cake.

I like salmon. I know that's weird.

Not that fattening, but if you eat the whole thing.

This is the first time I've ever had a family all together, and it would be--you know, worse than not getting famous or anything like that; It'd be really devastating if that fell apart.

You know, the Jonah complex is about destiny, and maybe your destiny wasn't to be a rock star.

Maybe it was just to be a good father.

Really?

You're strong.

Maybe too strong.

Do I look ugly right now?

You're very beautiful.

No, but I look shitty when I cry.

I don't look like--

I don't look like Claire Danes, but I look pretty [...] bad.

[shushing]

You're very beautiful.

Are you hitting on me?

Each band has a family dynamic, and this family, it seems to me, has lost its communal bond.

Now, this Nakota ritual, which I call "the egg and I," is designed to restore that bond.

Now, the goal is to take each delicate egg and pass it from person to person, and then put back safely in its nest.

Each egg represents a family member, and if it breaks, so does that family member.

Questions?

Yeah, why is my egg weird?

Dr. Ball: All the eggs are the same.

Mine's not.

They're the same.

Maybe it's weird because you're different, bro.

Well, I want my egg to be different.

Why don't you try dyeing it black?

[laughter]

It doesn't really matter what color the eggs are, okay?

So, Bam, start with the first egg, and pass it around the room.

Sure. Thanks.

Come on, Bam Bam.

You got this.

I'm gonna pick Johnny.

Oh, cool.

Bam Bam: Okay, nice and delicate.

You got it.

Pick it up.

Don't make a thing out of it.

I'm not.

Oh!

sh*t!

Did you do that on purpose?

Give me the g*dd*mn eggs.

No, no, no--oh!

Oh now, I got one--oh!

Oh!

Rehab: That was not elegant.

Oh, look.

Mine wasn't different. It was special.

Don't...

You are a hateful person.

Last night I spoke to Ava and Rehab, Bam...

And I told them that I would like to initiate a ritual called "hear my voice."

Now, this allows the less powerful members of the tribe to express their feelings and or frustrations through music.

They're gonna share, and you're gonna listen, and my God, you're gonna digest.

Okay.

Bam.

This drumsong-- one word, drumsong-- is called Dad.

One, two, three, four.

Bah. Bah. Bah. Bah.

Da, da, da!

Da, da, da!

♪ Baby, please don't go down to New Orleans ♪
♪ You know I love you so ♪
♪ Baby, please don't go ♪
♪

[deep bass note]

[discordant notes]

♪

Dad, Dad, Dad! Johnny!

Mom! Dad!

Ava: ♪ And down low ♪

[discordant notes]

♪

[notes ringing]

Part one.

[gong crashes]

[screaming]

Ah, Ma!

[light applause]

This exercise is called The Fame Game.

Cool.

I am gonna hold up a card...

Right.

And you have three seconds...

Okay.

To tell me who this famous person is.

Right, yeah.

From when you hold it out?

Three seconds from when you hold it up?

Three.

Yes.

Okay. Okay, okay, and--and-- and who's keeping score?

There's no score.

But then how do we know who wins?

There's no winner.

No, no, you said it was a game.

It's a mind game.

Is it a game to see who's the smartest?

No.

Is it to see who's hippest...

No.

Because I'm--I'm way hipper than him.

You're hipper than me?

That's hilarious.

Oh, my God.

I am so much more celebrity savvy than you are, Dad.

She thought Paul Newman was a chef.

He is, technically.

He--he was, he's dead.

[shushing]

All right, okay.

His products live on.

Let's just do the exercise, all right?

Are we ready to begin?

Okay. Yeah, please.

Okay.

both: Beatles.

Cary Grant.

Oh, I can't believe you know him.

I'm a celeb sav, Dad.

Oh, you're a celeb sav.

both: Jon Stewart.

Gigi: Jeff Harrison.

George Harrison, savvy.

I said--I said-- I think I said George.

Johnny: Lindsay Lohan.

That's Chloe Moretz, you idiot.

What--what does she do?

Not look like Lindsay Lohan for one thing.

She looks a lot like Lindsay Lohan.

You're so savvy.

Gigi: Tom Selleck.

Burt Reynolds.

Oh, Johnny Carson.

That's Lee Marvin. Huge.

Looks like a sweaty Johnny Carson.

Okay, whatever.

Good picture of Johnny Carson?

That is Steve McQueen, okay.

The King of Cool, okay.

Legend of the screen and the racetrack.

How awesome does he look in those sunglasses?

He looks so awesome.

You want to know something interesting?

My Steve McQueen is black.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I--I--the guy--the short guy from Key & Peele.

I don't know which guy he is, but he's the short guy.

That's my Steve McQueen, okay.

He's an Oscar-winning director.

He made an amazing movie about a black man escaping from sl*very.

Oh, well, my Steve McQueen made a great movie about a white guy escaping a n*zi--n*zi prison camp.

Oh, about a white guy. r*cist.

Okay, how is it r*cist?

Did your guy win an Oscar?

My guy is in the Motocross Hall of Fame.

Oh, I'm being an assh*le.

Did your guy win an Oscar? Oh, he didn't win an Oscar.

I'm so sorry.

Okay, okay, this exercise is over. It's over.

Who won?

You both failed this game.

You win by talking to each other.

You win by sharing 'cause that is where real victory lies.

What did we learn?

Well, there's two Steve McQueens.

The Steve McQueens. I had no idea there were two.

I think we learned that fame is very, very fleeting.

You want the world to know your name even at the expense of those who really do love you: your families.

Within which, and this is ironic, you could be famous forever.

Now, John, tomorrow morning I want you to make amends with the band.

Let your sins be forgiven for the past so that you can begin the healing tomorrow.

Pretty sure I b*at you six to five, by the way.

Gigi: No way in hell.

I was counting with my fingers.

The day has come.

Today, we are going to open the floor to an open and clear conversation, okay?

Who wants to go first?

Oh, me.

Ava.

I would like more ukulele in the band.

It's a fun instrument, and it makes people happy.

Who votes yes?

I vote yes on the ukulele if you vote yes on my tribal drumsong.

Gigi?

Yes.

Ah, terrific.

Terrific. This is great.

John, do you have anything you would like to say to the rest of the tribe?

Yes.

Flash.

What?

I apologize for sleeping with your wife.

It was a selfish lapse in judgment on my part.

Well, it's about time.

I know.

Okay, hey, you're making some change.

22 years later, but I accept your apology.

Thank you.

Oh, give me a g*dd*mn break.

She slept with everybody, plus she was way into Johnny.

Who said she was into Johnny?

She did.

To who?

To Rehab.

When?

I'd rather not say.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

She was a giant flaming whore.

And let me tell you something else.

She's the only reason he wants to sleep with you, to get back at me.

That's what's really going on.

That's true.

Is that true?

No. Yes, I'm--

Oh, my God!

Why would you admit that?

Flash: He showed me the picture, and then it was in the beginning.

[all speaking at once]

Enough! Jesus H. Christ.

What is going on here?

All of you assholes were gonna let me play ukulele live onstage, and you want to talk about your hurt feelings and your resentments.

Oh, boo-hoo.

Ava, I think that--

Shut up, Yanni.

This ain't no democracy, okay.

It's a dictatorship always on the verge of a m*llitary coup 'cause that's how rock and roll bands work.

That never-ending struggle, Mick versus Keith, Joe versus Steven, Johnny versus Flash.

It's that struggle, that's what makes the magic.

Johnny was king, and I'm sorry, baby, but you have been dethroned by Queen Gigi the First, and the only feelings I care about are hers.

So, Gigi, how do you really feel about the ukulele?

I hate that g*dd*mn midget Game of Thrones guitar.

all: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Fricking thing was giving me hand cramps, and, Gigi, how do you feel about drumsong?

Okay, "drum" is a word.

"Song" is a word.

"Drumsong" is not a word.

It's a word.

It's not a word!

If I--I said it!

It's not a word.

[all speaking at once]

Wait a minute!

Whoa!

Wait.

I disagree with all this.

The doctor has a point.

We can change. I changed.

Look, I changed my diet.

The doc put me on no sugar, no carbs, and thank your wife for the green beans, by the way.

These are so fresh and good.

You're doing great.

And Flash changed.

Look, he changed his hair.

Twice.

Bam Bam, I just--I'm so glad there's someone whose soul is still retrievable here, and thank you.

Pepperoni pizza for a Mr. Bam Bam?

delivery man: Is there a Bam Bam?

I told you to call me from downstairs and I'd meet you in the alley.

It's a pizza, man. It's not a bag of blow, bro.

Relax.

That's it! God, I--I can't.

I'm out. I'm out.

I mean, you people are the worst.

You're like a symphony of narcissism.

I actually think you're all untreatable.

I mean, you.

You're like an egomaniac.

Hey, hey.

See, I told you.

Oh, shut up! You!

You never for a moment looked a day under 50.

You know something?

You guys, you're like ten times worse than Metallica, Kings of Leon, and Aerosmith combined.

I actually think-- no, no, I know.

I know.

You are all truly the most [...] up band in the history of rock and roll.

What are you looking at?

[door slams]

Wow.

We're the most [...] up band in the history of rock and roll!

[all cheering]

Kiss my ass, Aerosmith!

Bring it in, man!

Nice!

Johnny: Screw Metallica.

Come on, let's jam. Come on...

Rehab: Let's make a trail of disgusted unhappy people around--

Yeah.

Do you understand how close we just came to having a ukulele in this rock band?

I know.

You just learned a very valuable lesson about rock and roll.

And what's that?

Great bands are full of talented people, and most talented people are vain, egomaniacal, insecure assholes.

This is something that you should be an expert on.

Exactly, okay.

The key is to be the biggest assh*le with the loudest microphone.

What about the stuff that Dr. Ball said about me and about, you know, family?

Yes.

Which part of-- what'd he say?

Oh, my God. Ugh.

I just want to make sure we're on the same page.

Okay, he said that family is more important than fame.

Right.

Which is kind of total bullshit when you're dealing with a band.

I guess it doesn't really apply, does it?

Well, unless we make this family into something worthwhile, it's not--yeah.

Let's just take it for what it is.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's sing.

All right.

All right?

Okay.

Okay.

Good talk.

Hey!

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Ho! ♪
♪
♪ Na, na, na, na-na ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na-na ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na-na, na ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na-na ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na-na ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na-na ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪