01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

♪ It was all a dream ♪
♪ I used to read Word Up magazine ♪
♪ Salt-N-Pepa and Heavy D up in the limousine ♪
♪ Hanging pictures on my wall ♪
♪ Every Saturday, Rap att*ck, Mr. Magic, Marley Marl ♪
♪ I let my tape rock till my tape... ♪

What are you... You can't dance like that to Biggie.

Hey, I like that song. Is it new?

What... How the hell do you not know that song?

It's so important.

People get married to that song where I'm from.

This place has really come to life since it's been Maxine'd.

You added pillows.

You came in, you added tampons and pillows.

Really? Live with a woman for five minutes, already gonna make a tampon joke?

Yeah, well, someone's got to be brave enough to do it, Maxine.

Hey, it's our first mail together.

Yeah, yeah.

And it says "Resident."

Well, that's us. We're Resident.

So how have you told your parents yet?

Ooh. About what?

About us living together?

Oh, that. No, no, not at all.

What... Come on, you said you were going to.

It's been, like, four weeks.

I know, and then I thought about it and I was like, "Hey, let's just never do that."

What's this "last chance to register" thing?

Oh, this? They trying to get me to vote.

Let me take care of this for you.

What? You don't vote?

I... Look, in 2008, right, I saw this man rise from being poor and black in America to the greatest office in the United States.

Actually... the greatest office in the world.

And I felt pride, you know? I felt inspired.

He inspired me and so many other people.

I mean, so many other people, I figured, hell, he doesn't need me. Like, I think he... he won the Nobel Peace Prize, and I don't even know what he did.

All right, you know what, enough politics.

Don't try and shy away from the topic.

We see your parents all the time.

I mean, we're going to their house for dinner later.

They should know.

You know what, you're right, Maxine. We shouldn't talk about politics.

And why bother, anyway? 'Cause your vote doesn't count and democracy is dead.

Now, why would you say that...

No. No, no, no, no. Stop trying to deflect from the real subject.

Women's rights.

No.

Why can't we tell them? Your parents are harmless.

Yeah, they're harmless now, because they don't know how serious we are, all right? But once they find out we moved in together, it's gonna change everything.

Like, my mom's gonna give a million reasons from the Bible why that's wrong. Then my dad's gonna start...

I really don't know what he's gonna do. He's a wild card.

But he's probably gonna do something crazy and give advice.

But right now it's cool, it's peaceful, you know?

Because you mean nothing to them. I mean, nothing.

But, like, in a good way, you know?

(phone vibrates)

Wait a minute.

My brother's here.

Text him back and tell him you're not home.

I can't lie to my brother. I can't even tell a lie.

I'm like George Washington.

Bet you wouldn't have voted for him, either.

That's more because of the, you know... sl*very.

How long after you've been divorced is your ex-wife/roommate allowed to sleep with somebody else?

Immediately. You're divorced.

Look, man, I came home, and there was a butt-naked dude sitting on my couch watching my TV, and there... and there was sex musk still in the air.

Like, a bunch of sex musk.

I'm sor... I'm sorry, wha...

What's that? What was...

Sex-sex musk.

I have no idea what he's saying.

Sex musk, okay?

It's the musk in the air after you have sex.

Oh, sex musk.

Oh, sex musk. Oh, okay. That is hard to say.

That's pretty interesting. Sex musk.

Look, Bobby, technically she's your ex-wife, so she's free to do whatever she wants.

You know something? Look, you are so neg...

Not for long, okay? It's all gonna be over.

I'm gonna be out of there soon, because my business is about to take off, Jerrod.

Nope, nope, nope.

Stop calling it your business when you know it's a pyramid scheme.

I know, I get it... you went to business school.

But I'm from the school of hard knocks.

Mm. Not a real school, bro.

Say what? Look... '03, valedictorian.

Stop it. Stop it.

Bob.

The next time there is a sock on the door...

That was unclear.

...and a sign that says "sexual intercourse in progress," do not enter.

Do you know how uncomfortable you made Lamont?

You wouldn't watch the game with him.

He's trying to make friends with you.

You hurt his feelings. You need to go apologize to him.

I don't give a damn about no Lamont!

Hey, hey, hey.

You guys maybe want to finish this in your own apartment?

Oh, I'm gonna have a argument wherever I damn... Hey, girl!

I was just about to cuss your man out.

(Maxine chuckles)

Please do.

Oh... Are you all having a fight?

No.

Yup. Y...

She's mad at me 'cause I'm not registered to vote.

Mm, I wish we had them problems.

Maxine: No. N-no... (chuckles)

That's not it. I just want to tell your parents that we've moved in together.

No!

You crazy?

Dude, you cannot let Mom and Dad in your personal life like that.

Man, they are too judgmental. You know, they scare me.

They hurt my feelings. That's why I haven't even told 'em me and Nekeisha are divorced.

See, Maxine?

What? How long are you gonna keep that a secret?

(short chuckle) Forever.

Mm-hmm.

So I've been thinking about this problem you have with telling your parents we live together.

And I think I came up with the perfect solution.

You did?

I'm just gonna tell them tonight.

You will not tell them tonight.

Oh.

You don't control me. I'm not your girl puppet.

These strings are cut.

I'm like a puppet out of a horror movie.

No, no, no, Maxine, you will not even mention...

Hey! Mommy.

Oh!

Come on in.

♪
♪

Cynthia: I'll be right out with the snacks.

Okay. Maxine... you will not tell my parents we're living together tonight, and if you do, I will deflect, I will distract, and you won't be able to get a word in.

We'll see about that.

Oh, we will see about that, won't we? We will see...

Hey, hey!

Hey.

Oh... Come on, what's that on your plate, Dad?

Ribs with a nacho cheese dipping sauce.

You just had triple bypass surgery.

It's like you're trying to commit su1c1de.

No, now, wait, wait, wait.

What happened was I was eating some ribs.

And I had this nacho cheese dipping sauce, and then I thought, "Well, hell."

He did. He did that.

Why are you proud of this? And why are you out of breath? And all you did was walk from the kitchen.

Listen boy, I work a ten-hour shift driving trucks every day.

When I come home, I want to eat something that helps me forget how hard life is.

You're not gonna stop me from enjoying this.

If I have to raise these hands to defend these ribs, I will.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furiou...

Hey, we brought you guys something.

Oh! What is this?

It's Pinot Grigio.

Pinot... Wha...

It's white.

Oh.

You like white, right?

Not as much as your daddy.

Is it sweet?

Uh, not really.

Oh. Okay.

Okay, well, Jerrod and I have something to tell you, don't we?

Th... Yes.

Yes, we do. We have something very, very important we should say.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

I figured it's time to tell you guys. And I didn't want to say anything, 'cause I thought you'd be mad or something, but I am... thinking about registering Republican.

Oh, no.

Jerrod, you know we didn't raise you that way.

I know, but I was thinking about it. Like, do we really know why we voted for Obama?

No, that is not what...

No, I'm not saying he's doing a bad job or anything.

I'm just saying none of you could tell me why you voted for him without using the words "hope" or "change."

Michelle.

Or Michelle.

Okay, this isn't what we're here to discuss.

Obama is a good president.

He is a good man.

All right, well, you just said nothing at all right there, Mom.

You know, come to think of it, maybe this boy does have a point.

No, he doesn't have a point.

He's just trying to distract us.

Well, I did vote for Bush in 2004.

What?

What?

What?

Lead with that, man.

Don't leave me all alone out here.

Well, I didn't really think it had much to do with the conversation.

Joe, you have on an Obama T-shirt right now.

This is not Obama, this is Neobama.

Wait, wait, wait, wait... why would you vote for Bush?

I mean, he favors the rich, and you're not in that... bracket.

You calling me poor?

Yes.

That's why I did it.

He sent me that stimulator check.

No president ever sent me $1,600.

Nobody ever sent me $1,600.

You can b*mb whoever you want long as you send me $1,600.

Jerrod: You see?

Dad's right. I mean, we could have done without the whole bombing part, but...

I stand by the whole bombing part.

And-and I'm sure you do, but I'm just saying we don't need it...

Guantanamo Bay. It's a good thing.

Okay, Dad, please don't say stuff like that.

Well, sometimes you just got to put water in somebody's face to get answers.

Joe, are you saying that your vote could be bought?

No. But it can be stimulated.

I am taking away your ribs.

I'm not gonna let 'em go.

You have lost your ribliges.

I will not... I-I will not... I will not...

Joe!

Give me these ribs!

That stimulator check paid for part of those ribs.

You know what, it doesn't matter.

Now that we're done distracting everyone, Jerrod, what we really want to talk about...

Is prayer in school. Let's talk about it.

Huh?

There is prayer in school.

No, there's not, Mom.

And it's because of the Democrats.

You mean they won't let the little babies pray?

And think about it, Mom... what kind of prayer would they say if they could?

Well, just normal, regular prayer.

You know, thanking Jesus for all he done for you.

Yeah, but then what about the Jews or the Muslims or the atheists?

Okay, Jerrod and I want to tell you...

Well, then I would put them in a separate place, like the cafeteria.

Jerrod and I have life news.

So you would segregate them?

Oh, no, of course not.

But just for their comfort, I would remove them from the prayer room, I would put them in a separate room that was equally as nice, becau...

Oh!

I know what you're doing, and I don't approve.

So what you're telling me is you would pick religion over civil liberties.

Good question, Dad!

That is not what I'm saying!

Joe, stop putting words in my mouth!

Well, I mean, if you had to pick, which one would you choose, serving Jesus or freedom?

Serving Jesus, because if it wasn't for Jesus, you wouldn't be free!

Damn good answer, Mom.

That's not a good answer.

Without freedom, you wouldn't have religion.

Listen, don't you be upset with me because I'm sticking up for my beliefs instead of being bought by a $1,600 stimulus check!

Well, look at you, all holier than thou, acting like we didn't have sex before we got married.

(Cynthia yelps)

Joe, that wasn't me!

Oh, yeah. Damn.

So, uh, Maxine, you had something you wanted to say, right?

(grunts)

So, to avoid telling them, you picked a fight between your parents?

I know. It's crazy how well that worked, right?

Are you trying to do that right now?

Yeah. It's makeup sex. We got to have makeup sex.

Oh, no, we're still fighting.

Don't push me in my Snuggie.

Why are you being so aggressive right now?

Because you pissed me off.

Wait, wait, are you really mad about this?

Jerrod, I want to have a real relationship with you and your parents, but if you can't even tell them that we live together, then maybe we shouldn't even be dating.

(sighs): God.

Damn it, I have nowhere to go! We live together!

Maxine, I knew you wanted to tell them.

I just didn't know you were this serious about it.

Why can't we tell them? No, honestly.

Like, no jokes, no song and dance, no man-child bull crap.

Just tell me. Why?

Honestly, because I don't want my mom getting in your head, you know?

Like, once she's in there, she's not gonna get out.

I'm a therapist.

In training.

And you're still no match for my mom.

And I don't want my dad handing out useless advice.

I like it how it is right now. It's just us, you know?

Just me and you and... a whole bunch of candles.

Why are there so many candles here, really?

It's like you're having a séance.

Look, it's unrealistic to believe that we'll never tell them we live together.

Fair enough.

And if it's that important to you, you're that important to me, and we'll tell them.

All right?

Great. Let's go.

Uh, I'm sorry, now?

Yeah. Let's go!

Yeah, but now?

Okay, yeah, let's go. Let's go.

Let's go back to my parents' house, 'cause that worked so well the first time.

Oh!

(gasps)

Hi, Joe.

I thought you were a burglar.

But you still were gonna answer the door?

Yeah, to kick your ass.

Where's Mom?

In the kitchen, where a woman belongs.

I'm just kidding. She's in the kitchen.

It's her choice.

And for my final SlicePro demonstration, I am going to cut this penny right in half.

Oh!

Uh-uh, we can't afford to be cutting up money like that.

No, watch this.

Here we go.

Now, watch out. You're gonna cut your finger.

No, I got this. Watch this. Here we go.

No, you're gonna cut yourself again, Bobby.

No, I won't. I got it!

It's too strong.

Did the boy cut himself yet?

No, I got... (shouting)

Aah! Y'all done got in my head!

You done ruined the whole demonstration.

Okay, never mind that. I got something I got to tell you, Mom and Dad.

Are you about to come out of the closet?

Is that what's happening here?

No. No, Dad.

You know Marvin?

Yeah.

He gay.

(laughing)

Like Marvin Gaye.

I get the joke. I get the joke, Dad.

It's a good dad joke.

I know, I know.

You got to write that down, man!

Okay, enough... You guys, I have something really important I got to say.

Oh, Lord, here goes. Let me get my Bible.

Ma...

(humming)

Ma...

Dear Heavenly Father...

Ma...

There's something Jerrod and I need to tell you.

All right, but you know it is bad luck to interrupt mid-prayer.

Is that in the Bible or are you just winging it right now?

Look, Ma, Maxine and I are thinking about moving in together.

Oh?

And by "thinking about,"

I mean Maxine moved in three weeks ago.

Well, congratulations.

This is exciting.

It is?

Yeah, it is.

Of course it is. Unless you're sleeping in the same bed or anything like that.

Ma, don't...

I mean, the Bible is pretty clear on that one.

Put a ring on it!

Joe: Honey, you're prying a little bit. Let's respect their privacy.

Now, these kids obviously love each other or y'all wouldn't have moved in.

That's right.

You do love each other, right?

Dad, I'm not having this conversation with you.

You know how you tell if you really love somebody?

Next time you're at home alone, you turn off all the lights and you put on Al Green's "Love and Happiness"...

Okay. All right. Thanks, Dad... and-and... and you picture her face, and if you don't start crying, it ain't meant to be.

Okay, Dad, thank you for...

♪ Love and happiness ♪

Oh!

♪ Make you want to, ah... ♪

I feel the tears coming. I'm thinking about your mama. (squeals)

Come here, baby! Mmm!

This is exactly what I was afraid of.

See, this is why I didn't want to tell you guys.

You didn't want to tell us?

Why not?

'Cause you guys are so overbearing with your judgment and advice.

We're just trying to help.

Oh, no. Okay, it doesn't need to be...

Oh, my. Y'all been together for a couple of weeks, and you think you figured it all out, huh?

No, no. We...

Uh-huh. Voting Republican and living in sin.

That's nasty.

Look, Ma, I don't need your criticism, okay?

And, Dad, I don't need your unsolicited, barely even relevant advice, okay?

We just want to have our own relationship without outside interference.

What is wrong with my advice? I give great advice.

Like I told you that time at McDonald's, always order your fries without salt.

That way, they got to make a fresh batch.

Damn, that's good advice, Daddy!

Well, I think moving in is a great step.

It's just a-a little bit out of order, if you were to ask me.

Ma...

So, you're going to be living together, huh?

Well, have you at least talked about tying the knot?

Not really.

Well, Maxine, you ain't getting no younger.

(clears throat) Well, with all due respect, Mrs. Carmichael, I don't believe that a woman's sole purpose in life is to get married and start a family.

Uh-oh.

Cynthia: Oh.

Oh. Sweet, sweet Maxine, thinking that, oh, you got all the time in the world to date and see how everything goes.

You know, I bet your life is just one big episode of Sex and the City, huh?

Fine.

When do you plan on having children?

Well, I plan to focus on my career first before I even start thinking about that. (chuckles)

Cynthia: Well, now, Joe, let's see, she's got a couple of years before she finishes her schooling...

And to become a psychologist, you got to go to grad school.

That's a few more years.

Uh-huh.

And don't forget about her post-doc.

And you got to set up your practice.

Oh. Well, I hope your ovaries don't mind waiting because... 'cause, honey, we talking powdered eggs, Joe.

Mm-hmm.

Nothing but dust up in there, like-like emptying out a vacuum cleaner.

Oh!

Honey, we're just saying, biology is biology.

Have you thought about that, Maxine?

Have you? Have you?

Bobby and Nekeisha got divorced three months ago!

What?!

Cynthia: What?!

Man... boy... (stammers) Man, why would you do that? Man, what's wrong with you?

We do not get divorces in this family.

We just suffer through it!

And you two are still living together?

Well, now I can tell y'all about Lamont, right?

Who the hell is Lamont?!

Oh, Lord Jesus, look what you made me say.

I think I might know this Lamont.

Does he have a flattop?

Nekeisha: Yeah, yeah, that's him.

Thank you. (chuckles)

Welcome to the family.

Nasty. Y'all just nasty!

I don't know why they keep trying to sell us these electric cars.

'Cause they're so much better for the environment.

What's wrong with the environment?

The Chinese keep messing it up... that's what's wrong.

Come on, Dad, you can't say that.

Cynthia: You know, I just don't think these cars is safe.

You know, they look like they're made out of tinfoil.

Hey, Jerrod.

Hey, Jerrod.

Jerrod, hey.

Yes. Yes.

What do you call a Chinese rapper?

Vanilla Rice. (laughing)

(laughing)

Bobby: Daddy!

Oh!

Oh, you need to do standup comedy, Daddy.