04x17 - The New Sex Deal

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

The dude database has gone full-on viral.

This is gonna really piss some people off.

Hey, I thought you said we couldn't delete this stupid database.

No!

Jenna, I didn't mean you can't delete it!

I mean don't [bleep] delete it!

[Cell phones chime]

[They were calling it the Great Repression.

There was a full-scale hookup drought at Palos Hills High, and the halls were haunted by aggro, sex-starved teens.

Guys thought it was cool to rank girls, but when the hashtag was on the other foot, they freaked, making for a very awkward Valentine's day.

It's like a dating dust bowl out here.

If things don't pick up, I'm gonna have to cancel the Valentine's dance.

That's a tad dramatic.

Dramatic?

Valentine's day is like the Super Bowl of drama, Jenna.

Do you see a single girl around here with flowers or chocolates or hope?

The great repression has made it impossible to love.

I would think the guys would be happy to be off the hook for Valentine's day.

They hate buying flowers.

Uh, Google Earth to Jenna, BJs are like flowers for dudes.

You ruined that for them too.

Me?

We both started the dude database.

But only one of us control-alt-outed herself as the administrator.

Oh! What are those?

Blue balls.

You gave them to us, so now we're giving them back.

Thanks for ruining Valentine's day.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

I told you not to delete it, and you didn't listen.

I am not becoming a Pariah Carey over this.

Fine, I'm just gonna have to save Valentine's day by myself?

Let's face it.

Valentine's day is off this year.

Valentine's day is so on this year.

I wonder what will has planned for me.

You know that he started out as my stalker?

And Valentine's day is like the World Series of stalking.

Um, why am I here again?

Oh, right.

Do you mind explaining this paper?

[Ms. Marks, do you know what it's like to learn your entire life has been a lie?

When I was 14, I found out that the woman I thought was my sister was actually my mom.

Is that the kind of thing you mean?

Then you understand how it makes you question everything you once took as the for-sure truth!

I guess.

Ever since my dad was sent to gay rehab and my mother sent my brother...

No, my boyfriend...

My brother to live with another family, I'm finding it hard to trust God's plan.

So I'm writing about my journey.

Okay, it's just that you were supposed to write about the New Deal.

The New Deal was a real lifesaver.

It got people back to work, infused energy into our economy, and pretty much ended the Great Depression.

That was it.

I needed a New Deal to get us out of this Great Repression, and I had an idea.

[School bell rings]

I need the best one you've got.

Wait, how much?

Okay, what can I get for 200 bucks?

Great, thank you.

What are you finally blowing your babysitting money on?

Because if it's clothes, I have some constructive suggestions.

Not clothes, a party bus.

It's my New Deal, and it is gonna end the hookup drought.

Hey, Jenna, I heard about the hurt locker full of blue balls, yeesh.

Don't sweat it... it'll all blow over in, like, 12 months when we're all in college and spread out all over the country.

Try 24 hours.

I rented us a party bus for the dance tomorrow night, and you both better be on it.

How is a party bus going to sexify the student body?

Do you remember when the Julies got that double-Decker for their sweet 16?

Oh, I remember.

I was practically the only one that didn't lose their vehicular virginity that night.

Exactly. On a party bus, there are no parents, the driver looks the other way, and there are plenty of nasty nooks and crannies to get your freak on.

Well, Jenna, it's a lot to ask, but if it helps the cause, I'm on board with your party bus.

At least one guy wasn't holding the hookup drought against me.

Actually, he was holding himself against me, and it felt pretty great.

So, Willy-Yum, Saturday night, what's the plan?

A little role play?

A little, uh, chaps and chapstick?

Saturday, Saturday, uh...

Oh, I'm actually headed out of town for a dive this weekend.

Well, do you have a Val-ed reason for your time away?

Yeah, I just need a little R&R.

Do you want to maybe ree-Val-uate the situation before you leave?

No, I'm good.

See ya.

All right. Booze, check.

Tequila for the teases. Rum to have fun.

Beer for no fear. And vodka...

Doesn't rhyme with anything. Ugh.

I should've gotten whiskey. Whiskey makes you frisky.

That's a good one.

That's a good one.

I can't believe you're ditching me to go serve sausages to sad singles.

Lonely people stuff their faces on Valentine's day.

It's one of the biggest nights of the year for the truck.

I can't afford to take off whenever I want.

And I can't afford your lame excuses.

See ya.

The only heart you give me today, Sadita, is heartburn.

I hope you choke on a chalupa.

Looks like we're each other's valentines. Girls' night!

Ew, the only women who are happy about a girls' night on Valentine's day are single, 30-year-old sex-and-the-sads.

I'm not sad.

I'm just not sure if God exists or not.

When's the panty dropper supposed to arrive?

I meant the party bus.

Matty was definitely doing his part to get girls feeling romantic again.

If all the guys looked as good as he did tonight, I was sure to succeed with my plan to bring sexy back.

Unfortunately, Matty's plan was to bring Gabby.

Hey, great turnout.

Yeah, great.

Thanks for organizing this.

Why would he bring her? It's Valentine's day.

He said it was nothing serious.

A party bus isn't serious.

I thought your agenda was to get people together tonight.

It is. It's just a little... weirder with some people.

I get it, but don't spin.

We have a DJ for that. Focus.

Tonight's about ending the drought and not obsessing over ex-boyfriends.

Hello, ladies.

Whoa, Back To The Future much?

Yeah, well, I realized the no-effort look had become too much effort for me.

Okay, did Jake hire a swag coach?

Hey, what did you just say? No obsessing over exes.

[Horn honking]

Is that...

[All groan]

It's not a party bus. That's a stripper's meth lab.

It's a dream.

Nice work, Hamiltrash.

'Sup? Gonna need to see those Benjamins up front, brah.

This bus was the opposite of sexy, and did he just say "Benjamins"?

But did FDR give up when he got polio?

No.

Let's go.

All right, guys, let's get this party mobile.

Some booze and some bling.

Did something die in here?

Someone, but that was, like, weeks ago.

Don't worry. I febrezed.

Come on, guys.

It's not that bad.

Look, all right, all right.

Holla, party people.

[All gasp]

So far, my party bus was more like a funeral procession.

No one seemed to want to be there, except for Matty and Gabby.

I had to do something.

All right, time for a little "never have I ever."

Can't have any open containers while I'm driving.

Are you serious?

What happened to looking the other way?

About six DUIs.

All right, we'll just play with warm water.

All right, who wants to go first?

Anyone?

I'll go.

Never have I ever ridden in something so sick and revolting.

Or on something.

Ha.

My turn, never have I ever ridden in a mobile leprosy triage unit.

I'll go.

Never have I ever gotten it on with a MILF.

Dude.

Drink up, bro.

All: Ohh.

Dirty.

Okay, I didn't know we were in the army, because major shenanigans just reported for duty.

Who robbed your cradle, Rosati?

Don't worry about it.

Okay, well, if we're not gonna be truthful in "never have I ever," then we should play a different game.

Tamara, believe me. It's the truth.

All right, my turn.

Never have I ever scored triple digits in mini golf.

You're a straight-up liar, McKibben. Drink.

Tonight was supposed to be about everyone hooking up.

Not everyone watching Matty and Gabby VDTR.

Valentine's Day The Relationship.

I had to do something, right?

All right, my turn.

Never have I ever taken someone's virginity.

Matty?

Right, thank you.

Uh, chug-a-lug, J.

Tamara was right.

My recent swipe of Owen's v-card meant Matty and I were suddenly drinking buddies.

Wait, you took someone's virginity?

Yeah, yeah... I mean, yes.

Whose?

Can we change the subject? Please?

So Luke was a virgin in college?

[Chuckles] Loser.

Who said it was Luke?

[Brakes screeching, horn honking]

Oh! Jeez!

Yo.

Yo.

We hitting this VD fest or what?

Ugh, I don't care.

Why'd you ask me to chaperone?

I could be passed out in my tanning bed right now.

Will forgot about Valentine's day.

It's so sad.

It's like once you let the stalker in, all the romance dies.

I find the best Valentine's dates are Tito and Jack.

Tito Puente and Jack Nicholson?

Vodka and Daniels.

Wanted to be discreet because of the kiddos.

Especially since Principal Cockblock confiscated my flask last time around.

Yeah, I can't. I'm still on the clock.

Come on. Take a pull off my rack.

Just put it in your mouth.

Okay, but I wasn't breast-fed, so this is all new to me.

All right, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

Thank God.

[Gasps] Five-second rule!

Ooh, I love candy hearts. Who's Molly?

Oh, a hotel key. My plan is working.

Someone is ending their hookup draught tonight.

What lucky guy does this belong to?

Uh, me.

Can I talk to you outside?

A hotel room on Valentine's day?

Matty's usual bone-us operandi was more like the backseat of his truck.

Was he really serious about Gabby?

Let's go. We're gonna miss the dance.

Dude, where are our party favors?

Weird, that didn't taste like candy.

Oh, man, the vestal virgin just snarfed a Molly.

What a [bleep] waste.

Or a fantastic experiment.

She must have been hungry for something to be scavenging on the ground like a famished beast.

Both: Hungry!

Go, go, go.

Get in there.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Get in there, get in there.

Go, go, go!

Whoo!

Holy Jeez, is that the time?

I got so sucked in by your booze boobs, I made us late.

[Mellow alternative music]

♪

We need to lubricate this prude party.

That's it, the booze on the bus.

We need to liven this place up.

I'll spread the word. No one turns down a free drink.

We have enough juice to turn this dust bowl into a mud pie.

[Clatter]

Come on.

What's the holdup?

We were promised sh*ts.

Well, Mr. Promises Malibu here k*lled that dream for us.

We're as dry as a Dorothea Lange desert-scape.

Sorry!

Yeah, you are sorry.

Wow, Hamilton.

You just keep finding new ways to suck.

Yeah!

Ouch.

Loser.

I can't believe this.

The whole school wants to k*ll me, and all you can say is "ouch"?

It's not my fault your party bus was a party bust.

No, but it is your fault that the rankings went viral, yet I continue to take all the hits.

You guys feel like velvet.

Is that a gay thing?

Both: Yes.

If my dad is gay, does that mean that I could be gay?

Like, am I carrying gay genes?

You might be, if you're lucky.

I mean, have you ever had strong feelings for another woman?

Well, I love my mom and my kindergarten teacher and Sadie!

Sadie... good choice.

Her hotness level has really peaked this year.

Yeah, and she's ripe for the picking.

You think we feel good? You should try Sadie.

I bet she smells like bubble gum, shampoo, and puppies!

I love puppies!

Go over and see.

I hadn't saved Valentine's day.

I'd ruined it for everyone.

I swear to God, if I don't get laid tonight, I will lay you out.

The Great Repression was turning into World w*r III, and I was the common enemy.

WTFWFDRD?

What the [bleep] would FDR do?

[Microphone feedback]

All: Aww.

Attention, everyone, I'm sorry about that stupid ranking system, but you shouldn't let it ruin the dance.

No, you did that for us.

All: Boo!

It's Valentine's day: A time for romance, a time for passion, a time for pink... [Yawns] .. and slightly darker pink hearts...

Why don't you help her, MILF slayer?

Aren't you an expert on romance and passion now?

Why don't you?

I thought you were her best friend.

A time for cuddling, being the little spoon, a time...

You suck.

A time to quit being harassholes to Jenna.

She didn't act alone in making the dude database.

I was her accomplice.

All: Aww.

And, unlike her, I was too scared to take the blame until now.

Jenna has done everything she can to make it up to you guys tonight, and I will not let my little Cupid look stupid. Now, listen up.

I know some of you guys are afraid to let loose for fear of being ranked or coded, but who could ever judge you for expressing what's in your heart?

Or at the very least, what's in your pants.

[Laughter]

So come on, get crazy, because the only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Puppies.

[All gasp]

She's come undone, b*tches!

And just like that, the dam had burst, and the drought was over.

What has gotten into you?

Objective reason and some illegal dr*gs, I think.

Can I smell your hair? It's so shiny.

Ugh!

God isn't dead.

He's everywhere.

This God tastes like grape gum and orange soda.

Our finest work.

That was amazing. Thank you.

No, thank you for not defriending me this week.

I should've volunteered as tribute days ago, but I was too chicken.

Be mine?

Always was.

[Laughter]

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah, we're too late.

This is like Sodom and Gomorrah.

Oh, relax.

Catch you later.

Nice speech.

Thanks.

But you've got to give up the goods.

Who's the mystery MILF?

There's no mystery.

I met her on new year's, and we've been having a great time.

Multiple great times.

Three in a row, in fact.

Oh, please. I'll believe it when I see it.

You should be so lucky.

Game on, Rosati.

But you only have one chance to take me to O-town, so let's do this.

Come on.

Watching all the hookups, I couldn't help but feel a sense of accomplishment.

Just like FDR, I had helped usher in a New Deal, and with all the love in the air, the dirty look Matty was giving me stood out even more.

What's your deal?

That whole thing back there about me taking your virginity in "never have I ever"?

I was just playing the game.

In front of Gabby.

That's kind of aggro, don't you think?

And whose virginity did you take?

You don't know him.

Don't you have a hotel room to get back to?

I gave it to a needy party.

No room for me tonight.

Thanks to your games, Gabby left.

Nope, nope, no way.

Oh, I can't tell you how many times Kevin and I got kicked out of dances for heavy petting.

Heavy petting?

Well, he tried to go down on me.

So g*dd*mn romantic.

You can't smoke in here.

Actually...

You know, one puff wouldn't k*ll you.

Why don't you just stand right here?

Yeah.

So where's your friend?

You know, the one who's always coming into my office to sign in, so we don't think he's a sex offender?

Sergio had other plans.

Hey, we're in the same boat, sister.

Here's to all the single ladies on Valentine's day.

Sadita!

Sorry, Val, can't join you in your spinster su1c1de pact just yet.

I closed up early.

I don't know what I was thinking.

You're my Valentine, not those sad singles.

[Sighs] Well, it's official.

I am the biggest loser here.

I wouldn't say that.

Will, what are you doing here?

I thought you were out of town.

Please, I wanted to do something special for Valentine's day, so I decided I'd kick it old school.

I've been stalking your ass all night.

That is so romantic.

Sweet.

Mm-hmm.

[Creaking] How's that?

It's... it's fine.

And that?

It's okay.

How's that?

[Gasps] That's good.

And that?

Yes.

And that?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah!

[All gasp]

[All cheering]

It looked like I had ended the drought for everyone.

Well, almost everyone.

Now that the Great Repression was finally over, people were treating me the way they normally did.

Thanks for hiring that sharty bus, Hamiltuna.

Lissa was caught on the Molly that she ate off the floor of that beater and suspended for two weeks.

Now you can add "life ruiner" to your list of accomplishments, right under "su1c1de girl" and "moody slut."

Like I said, people were treating me the way they normally did.

Hey, have you seen Jake?

What?

I thought you said what happened at the dance was a one-time thing.

Oh, the remix to "Tamara Never Comes" was definitely a single but certainly a chart topper.

Oh, there he is.

Can we not?

Matty's mad at me.

Uh, can you blame him?

Bringing up your sophomoric sexnanigans in front of Gabby was not your best moment.

Tamara was right.

I had told myself I was giving everyone a New Deal, but what I'd given Matty was more like a Raw Seal.

Hey, I just want to say I'm sorry about what happened on the bus.

Never have I ever acted like such an immature idiot.

Actually, the stripper pole fail almost makes up for it.

No, I'm sorry too.

I was pretty dickish about it, but I was just mad.

Is Gabby mad?

No, no, she just wants to take things a little slow.

Well, not everyone can move as fast as I can.

Yeah, I don't think we'll be hitting that gear for a little while.

So she is mad?

No, she's a virgin.

Which I respect, and some things are just worth waiting for.

You know what I mean?

Matty, over here.

I did know what he meant.

Gabby was worth waiting for, and I hadn't been.

Next on Awkward...

Happy birthday!

Aw, a cupcake! Laker tickets, holy [bleep].

I'm throwing a little surprise party for Matty later... You should come.

Gabby was a fierce competitor, but I could be too.

I was gonna be so [bleep] friendly, it hurt.

My plans tonight got canceled, and I can definitely come to the party.

Surprise!

That looks like...

Both: Tamara and Sadie!