03x11 - Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: There's no better feeling than having found the perfect man, which is exactly when you start to wonder, "when's this idiot gonna lock me down?"

Okay, weirdo.

And the hunt for a sign that he's buying an engagement ring is on.

[Clears throat] Excuse me, miss. Yes?

Have you seen this man purchase an engagement ring?

Mm-mm. Damn it.

[Shredder whirring]

If it's possible, try to check his credit card statements.

Damn it.

In the end, you just might have to get a little creative.

"Forever Stones"?

[Gasps]

I'm getting engaged.

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Mindy: That's it. You got it. That's it.

The baby's almost turned.

Just make sure that your pressure is firm and consistent, like when you're trying to convince your boyfriend to do a couples costume.

Focus, focus.

Jean: Dr. Lahiri?

Yeah? In my office.

Now.

All: Ooh.

Okay. Okay.

Am I in trouble?

Is it because I might have lost a press-on nail in that woman?

No, Lahiri. Because I...

I want to talk to you.

Over these past few months, you've proven yourself to be a very gifted teacher.

I love those little sons of b*tches.

Which is why I've recommended you for the Macmillan/Dow teaching fellowship at Stanford.

Me? You.

Stanford? Yes.

Jean, that's for the smart kids.

You will go there, you will learn the latest in fertility techniques for eight months, you will return, and teach them here.

Wow, Jean. You're believing in me?

I hope it doesn't go to my head.

So that's a "yes."

I want to say yes.

I really do.

Just... I think my boyfriend is about to propose to me, and I don't want to do anything that's gonna spook him before I can sink my fangs into his little neck.

You know what I'm talking about.

You just let me know.

Lahiri... Yeah?

Stanford is an incredible opportunity.

I know. [Chuckles]

Can you imagine... Being tan in february?

Just kidding. But I mean, seriously, can you imagine?

Out, Lahiri. Yeah.

Peter: Hey. [Knock at door]

Slumlord thousandaire, I got your rent check right here.

I didn't even write, "for sex" on the memo line.

Wow.

You know, I'm not an easy man to impress, unless I'm watching a magic show, but honestly, I'm impressed. Pete, you're really maturing.

Yeah? Are you impressed enough to maybe set me up on a date?

You know what? I might have a girl for you, actually.

Does not have to be an "a."

It could be a "B" with "D"s, a "D" with "B"s.

Okay, shut up before I change my mind.

Okay? It's my friend Jessica.

She's a good girl.

She's a beautiful girl. She's a doctor. Uh-huh.

There is one small thing. Small.

Is it a penis?

Because if it is, based on the size, I might be able to work around it.

You can? You couldn't?

Look, Jessica has a this condition...

One of those things that Mindy watches in the reality shows.

Is she, like, a real housewife or a toddler with a tiara or a river monster?

'Cause none of those things seem like deal breakers to me.

[Whispering] She's a, uh...

She's a hoarder.

Oh.

[Normal voice] Okay? But recovering.

You guys are both works in progress, so...

It's a little weird. Can I have her number?

I'd give it to you, but she's got, like, ten phones.

It's a whole thing. She'll find you.

She'll find me? Yeah.

I like that.

Everyone, I'm happy to announce that Shulman & Associates is once again hosting its annual holiday party.

Oh, my God. Just call it whatever you want to call it.

Christmas party!

Yeah!

However, unlike past years, this year's party shall be an elegant affair.

Ooh.

Ooh!

"Elegant"? Does that mean I can't wear my mistletoe belt?

Yeah, what gives Jeremy?

Christmas isn't about elegance.

It's about a quiet night when the King was born...

The Prince of peace.

Shut up, Linus.

I want a party where I can choke down my champagne and caviar.

Yeah!

The truth is, Lauren has it in her head that I've recently grown distant.

So I've invited her neurosurgery colleagues to join us.

What? Ugh!

Why would you do that? I know.

Neurosurgery? Yeah, I don't know.

Okay, first of all, it's definitely gonna be a holiday party now. Amen, sister.

Excuse me?

A rather semitic group.

That's not anti-semitic to say they're semitic.

We welcome Jews.

Second of all, those stupid neurosurgeons think they're better than all of us.

That's because they are.

How? The brain has no nerve endings!

You poke a brain, who cares?

You poke a vag*na, you're gonna hear about it.

Right? Amen, sister.

You know what? Bump this. I'm out.

[All gasp]

Fine, more goose for us.

Okay, everyone, calm down.

Dr. C's under a lot of stress because he's my secret Santa and he has this pressure to give me a great gift, which he should.

Oh, Morgan, Dr. C told me to give you this.

[Gasps] Beverly: Merry Christmas.

Batteries?

Oh, for my battery collection.

Why are we doing this now?

I'm actually happy that Danny's gone, because I'm his secret Santa, and I don't know what to get him.

Golf balls.

No, that's for white people. Danny is ltalian.

Meatballs. I'll just eat them.

So you were able to change the setting, right?

But the stone is still the first one?

Perfect, that's perfect. Thank you so much.

Yeah, I can't wait to show my girlfriend tonight.

[Gasps] All right, well, thank you so much.

Mindy!

Mindy! Hey, Jessica.

Congratulations.

I heard you cleared out your entryway, and you found $5,000 in uncashed paychecks.

Very cool. Yeah, it was hell.

But my therapist says, "you do not need 12 broken printers, and you're not gonna give them to your kids someday."

Can I have the printers?

No. I mean... what am I saying?

I don't even know how to print anything.

Hey, Danny is setting me up on a date with his friend Peter?

But when I ask if he's cute, Danny just turns red and says he can't tell with guys.

Okay, I'm gonna picture him without his personality.

Whoa. Peter might be hot.

Okay, I can't tell. I'm too close to it.

But he is eating popcorn on the sofa in the lounge.

Oh. Thanks.

Uh-uh-uh, can I have some?

It's mostly just kernels left.

Oh, God, no one likes the kernels.

I'll throw it out for you.

I'll see you, doc. Later, man.

Be good.

[Crunches loudly] Aah! Oh, my...

Oh!

It's just kernels. You don't want any.

I'm Jessica. I...

Sorry this is kind of weird, but I think we're supposed to go on a date.

Whoa. [Chuckles]

[Chuckles] Yeah, I don't think so.

You're a beautiful angel, and I'm wreck-it Ralph.

No, no, no, I'm Danny's friend.

He's setting us up.

Did he not tell you?

What the hell are you talk...

Oh, my God.

You're his secret-Santa gift?

[Laughs] Uh...

This is so much better than that stupid dance he gave doctor I last year.

And the batteries?

He kept it under ten bucks.

I accept. [Chuckles]

Danny: Mindy, I've been thinking a lot about the future, and that's why I wanted this special dinner tonight.

Mindy Lahiri, I finally pulled the trigger.

I bought a burial plot.

What?

Forever stones.

Excuse me?

Yeah, it's carrara marble.

They changed the settings so it's looking over fresh kills.

Check it out. It's beautiful. I'm psyched.

Oh, well...

Twin burial plots is kind of romantic.

Oh, no, it's... It's just for me.

I didn't know how your religion handles this kind of stuff.

Don't they let the river just take care of it?

Can I have the dessert menu, please?

Jean? Jean.

I accept the fellowship.

It's a fellowship. You need to apply.

Jean, I'm applying for the fellowship.

Good. It's due tomorrow by 5:00.

Do you want me to do it or not, Jean?

Come on. Of course.

But it requires three recommendations and a personal essay.

What does Danny think about this?

I haven't told him.

He has a way of talking me out of things.

If it wasn't for him, I'd be covered in Simpsons tattoos.

Be strong, Lahiri.

A woman's career and ambitions don't age well on a shelf.

Put them away because you want to, but not because you think you have to.

You're so wise.

Why are you wasting time in medicine?

You should be a life coach on the biggest loser.

Danny: You're home. Help me out with this tree.

Hey, where's my Rihanna Christmas-tree topper?

A Christmas tree is no place for exposed breasts.

You're lucky I let you put up that wreath.

Wreath Witherspoon?

This is the nicest thing in your apartment. Mm-hmm.

Hey, do you have Dr. Ledreau's phone number?

You bet. Anyone dating my ma...

I'm gonna do a full background check on that guy.

I know what he eats for breakfast...

Eggs. Why? Why do you want it?

I am applying for a fellowship at Stanford.

I want him to write my recommendation.

I don't want to email with him, 'cause, you know, emailing with old people's such a nightmare.

Wait. What did you say... "Stanford"?

That's in California.

It's not even the shallow, materialistic part you love so much.

Why would you want to do that? What about us?

Well, Danny, you're the only reason I considered not applying, but, you know, we're not married.

We're not engaged.

This is the only time I could go.

It's a great opportunity for me.

I would invite you, but the boys in the Castro...

They would eat you alive. Yeah, they would.

It's only eight months.

I'll be back in time to ruin football season for you.

Okay. Thank you.

Eight months?

Peter: She's doing what?

Why would Mindy go to Stanford?

She hates not being the only Asian in the room.

Yeah, but it's a great opportunity for her, okay?

And like she said, we're not married.

She said that to you? Yeah.

Mindy doesn't want to go to Stanford.

I'm sorry. I can't believe I missed this. What?

Buddy, you're in a proposal trap.

Stop! Look, Mindy's not gonna move from a blue state to an even bluer state just to get me to propose.

We all read her diary.

We know she wants to be engaged by Christmas.

Oh, man.

I'll have to pawn my grandmother's wheelchair to pay for it, but what a date.

This is you.

This is your apartment building.

I had a great time with you tonight. Yeah.

I kind of want to invite you upstairs, but I'm really embarrassed about my apartment.

I live with my grandmother and 40 dogs.

Come on up. Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about.

Morgan: I don't get how hoarder is a bad thing.

Why would you be embarrassed by this place?

It's like living inside of a catalog.

And you have a mountain of catalogs!

I can't believe after all the stories I've heard, I slept with Peter Prentice.

[Mouths word]

Ledreau: Ah, Danny.

Say, I'm working on this recommendation for Dr. Lahiri, and I'm wondering if you know any adjectives other than "Indian."

I'm stumped.

You know what? Don't waste your energy, Dr. Ledreau.

I don't think she's serious about Stanford.

I'd prefer to please her, especially if there's a possibility of her following through on any of those threats.

Look, Mindy gets excited, and she jumps into things for the wrong reasons.

She ran for city council just to get more trans fats in her food, so...

I see.

Dan, you're a good man. Thank you, sir.

Worried about Mindy's well-being.

In my day, we didn't care about women's feelings.

Are we better now?

I don't know. Maybe.

Regardless, no recommendation?

I would say don't write it.

It's fine. Yeah, it's fine.

Got it.

Dr. Reed, are people allowed to give toasts tonight?

I have some heartfelt holiday thoughts.

You know what, Beverly? That would be nice.

I got some things to say about lsrael.

You brought this upon yourself. Rats.

Let that be fair warning to you all.

This is an elegant party.

Riffraff shall not be tolerated.

That said, have fun.

Doc, the girl I'm dating thinks I am someone else, so I couldn't bring her.

So I used my plus-one for cousin Lou.

Whoa.

Uh, I'm gonna need a plus-eight.

God, I've got to get a doorman.

Together, it's... it's ten.

Mindy: Oh, look, Dr. Ledreau just emailed.

I bet it's my recommendation.

God, I'm going to Palo Alto.

I've never actually been that close to a billionaire in person before.

Oh, no, Danny, do you think one of them might try to fifty shades of grey me?

There's one shade of gray.

Gray.

Well, I'm gonna go read the letter.

I'm so excited, I'm getting physically turned on!

Okay.

Oh, come on! Hey!

Christmas hug. Hey, hey.

Come here. Hey, merry Christmas Danny: Hey, guys. Oh, kissing?

♪ Oh, the weather outside is frightful ♪
♪ but the fire is so delightful ♪

Surprise!

I hope it's okay that I'm here.

Hi, I'm Jessica.

Mm. Jessica Jessica?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Jessica.

You need to come with me, because you never told me how the hobbit ends.

So the girl Danny picked for me is dating you, but thinks you're me?

Yes. It only took you 20 minutes to understand that.

Please, help me. I'm fighting two urges here...

Date a smart, beautiful woman I have earned through self-improvement or help a bro get a girl by lying.

You should know we slept together. She's all yours, Peter.

Thank you, Morgan.

[Wham!'S last Christmas plays]

Hey, you're missing the party.

We rely on you to drink the eggnog.

You okay?

Dr. Ledreau didn't write my recommendation.

Okay.

It's because he thought...

Other people were more deserving.

Well, that sucks.

I just...

I just wish I knew what I did wrong.

You didn't really want to go, did you?

Of course I wanted to go, Danny.

I wanted to go so badly that I was willing to be away from you.

I was just excited to show people what I was capable of.

But it doesn't matter.

The deadline's over. It was stupid.

Stanford will just be another dead professional dream, like being an astronaut or an African dictator.

Okay, I need to be cheered up.

Gonna go get some eggnog.

[Door opens, closes]

Jessica: I'm so happy Danny set me up with Peter.

Peter, I didn't know you were dating someone.

That's great.

It is great. It is great that I, Peter Prentice, has found someone.

Yes. Yes, you did, Dr. Prentice.

And I am Dr. One, Two, Three, Four, Five...

What? Shh.

Could I, uh, maybe...

Speak to the two of you real quick?

[Whispering] She thinks that I am Morgan and that Morgan is me.

So we're just gonna play along, okay?

No, no, Peter, this is... Fun.

Fun. It's lots of fun.

Thank you. Yeah.

Morgan: Hey. Hi.

Everyone good? Yeah.

Yeah.

[Concert violin music]

♪ ♪

[Music stops] Everyone, excuse me, I have something to say.

Sorry. This will only take, like, 45 minutes.

Danny, this year, I was lucky enough to have you for secret Santa.

I may not have a fellowship, but I do have a "fellow" with whom I share the "ship"...

Oh, man. I'm just gonna press play.

[Ragtime piano music]

♪ ♪

[Car horn honks]

Mindy: The year was 1974.

In a tiny catholic hospital in Staten lsland, Daniel Allen Castellano entered the world.

Danny was a wonderful baby.

That's my ma.

He's gonna make some catholic woman a wonderful husband.

Mindy: Okay, cut.

Through the years, Danny overcame such obstacles as poverty, sizeism, and skank addiction to graduate from medical school.

Uh, what do I say about Dr. C?

He makes me want to be a better nurse.

I mean, imagine that...

Me, Morgan tookers, a great nurse, wanting to be an even better nurse.

Dr. C... Well, he's a way better doctor than me.

Oh, boy.

What the hell is going on?

Your name is Morgan?

He's also an ex-con who lives with his grandma.

Damn it! How did you get out?

I wiggled.

Jess, Jess, I want to...

What can I say about Danny?

He's my best friend.

Both: What?

Meant every word, pal.

I have to go find Jessica.

Excuse me.

Danny and I... We used to hate each other.

Over time, that changed, but it wasn't until I went to Haiti and I got this letter that I realized how much.

[Clears throat]

"Mindy, I'm still surprised that you like getting these letters.

"But I'm glad, because I like writing them.

"I wouldn't say I miss you, "but it hasn't been the same without you here.

"Fine. I miss you, but don't let it go to your head.

Your friend, Dan."

Guess what.

It went to my head.

Over the years, Danny has sent me many letters appreciating my work... All very kind...

Some too kind...

In a way that chilled me to the bone.

He wanted me to make a film about Staten lsland.

It was adorable coming from a little kid.

But the letters didn't stop.

By 1998, I was like, "get a life, nerd."

But still, the letters came.

He hated it.

Uh, I-I liked it.

I thought we had good on-screen chemistry, which makes me think that we would bang good.

God.

[Women breathing heavily]

Ma.

What?

I need your engagement ring.

Ma, I didn't know what I was doing when I tanked her fellowship.

Proposing is the only way to make things right.

How?

No, no, Danny, you want to make it right?

You got to get Mindy what she really wants.

I don't know, ma. A boob job?

She'll go too big, and I'll never get the shape I want.

No, you gagoot, you got to try to get her into that fellowship.

Ma, of course. Get her into the fellowship.

You're right. She's always right.

Ma, if I could marry you, I would.

You stop being weird. Go.

Okay. Go. Go.

Jessica!

I'm sorry!

I didn't mean to deceive you...

Except for the part about me not understanding what dogs are saying.

I do. That is true.

Jessica!

What are you doing here?

Uh...

Just chillin'.

[Sighs] No, I came here to see you.

I didn't know that you thought I was Peter until the date was over.

I don't know. I'm a mess.

I just bought a 50-pound bag of kitty litter.

I don't even have a cat.

I literally don't have room in my life for a boyfriend I can't trust.

Okay, I don't want to be your boyfriend...

Yet...

'Cause I don't deserve it.

I just want us to start over, from the beginning...

Just two strangers, deeply in love with each other...

And just see where that goes.

Total honesty?

Total honesty.

Total honesty?

I farted.

Why don't we go with partial honesty?

Okay.

Hey, Lauren. Hey.

Before you go, I just wanted to give you this.

I know Henry's a big fan of trucks, so I got him a truck.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, yeah. No problem.

Merry Christmas.

Well, technically, it's happy Hanukkah.

Oh, that's right!

I forgot that you were a fellow soldier.

Both: In the w*r on Christmas.

Yeah, you hate Christmas, I forgot.

[Elevator bell beeps]

Well, happy new year.

Happy new year. Good night.

Jean: When people start to come, we're going to be very, very still.

Dr. Castellano?

What are you doing here?

What's this?

Are all the men from your church still at the office?

No.

This is an all-female, living nativity.

Everybody? Yeah.

The Shepherds?

The little drummer boy?

No men allowed. You're ruining it.

Aren't you cute?

Why are you even here?

Sorry. Look, I got Mindy's application...

Three recommendations, and I wrote the last one.

Well, that is very unselfish of you, Dr. Castellano.

Are those the three wise women?

Yes.

Okay, I got to get out of here.

This is basically witchcraft.

What is wrong with you?

Morgan: Mmm, mmm.

Oh, what is this? It's very hot.

Let's get down to business. [Door opens]

How much am I getting paid for this?

Mindy: You will be paid nothing, Morgan.

Don't stop it, I loved it.

Yeah? You love it so much that you left the party early?

[Sighs]

I left the party early...

To get this.

"Dear officers of the admissions committee... Doctors are competitive. Doctors are selfish."

Danny, narrating: "Doctors tend to think of compassion as a liability, not an asset, "which is what makes Dr. Mindy Lahiri so truly exceptional among her peers. Her passion to help is a constant reminder of why we all first wanted to practice medicine. Of all her skills, her most impressive is her single-minded devotion to those in her care. Her only flaw that I can think of... Is that sometimes she doesn't realize what a great doctor she really is."

What does it say?

I got in.

You got in? You got in?

You got in? Ah!

"Sincerely, Dr. Dan Castellano."

Merry Christmas, babe.

[The Grateful Dead's Ripple playing]

♪ ♪