02x19 - The Legacy

[bunniefuu]

Frankie: Out here in the middle, nothing's more important than what you pass on to the next generation, and at our house, no legacy is more entrenched than the arrival of the dreaded box of cousin clothes.

Oh, no.

Every year I tell them, no underwear.

Please don't make me wear any more of Randall's hand-me-downs.

They're not exactly my style.

Sorry, Brick, but until we win the lottery, your style is free.

Ooh. Looky here. (Gasps)

You don't have a leather jacket with chains.

There's a reason for that.

I don't know what to tell you, hon. Free's free.

Ugh.

Don't worry. I had to wear the geeky cousin clothes when I was your age, too, but now since Mindy gained all that weight, I get to wear whatever I want.

Well the cousin clothes weren't the only clothes causing stress in the house.

Axl. Get in here.

For the past few weeks, Axl and Mike had been engaged in a clothing battle of their own.

Axl, get in here!

Axl, get in here!

(Horn honks)

What? I'm late for basketball.

What did I tell you?

I don't want to come home from work and find any more of your smelly socks laying around my house where I can see 'em.

All right, jeez, I forgot. God. Like this house is so clean.

Hey. Our crappy house is no excuse for you to be a pig.

Now pick that thing up and get it out of my line of vision.

And I'm warning you, the next sock I find, I'm taking away somethin' big.

Mom?

Who are the village people?

Um... why do you ask?

I think you know why I ask.

Okay. We're not that poor. You can lose the jacket.

But I still think the pants are cute.

Zippers are very in right now.

Don't even. (Door closes)

Aah! Mom and dad, my cross-country banquet is coming up, and guess who's getting a trophy? Aah!

You're getting a trophy?

How'd you get that from that?

Yes! The cross-country end- of-year banquet is coming up, and they're holding it at the high school because our multipurpose room has mold, and guess who's getting MVP?

Uh...

Me!

Ohh, that's great!

Wow.

Oh, wow!

(Sighs) And I get to pose in the yearbook and everything, and I'll finally have a trophy to put on the mantle.

It is a huge honor.

Wow, MVP That still means "most valuable player," right?

Oh! And you need to give them $40 by Thursday.

40 bucks? For what?

The trophy. I can't believe I won. Aah!

Aah! (Laughs)

She wins a trophy, and we got to shell out 40 bucks.

Mike, MVP! When is this ever gonna happen to Sue again?

I'm still wondering how it happened this time.

(Squeak, splash)

Damn it. Axl, get in here!

What did I say about these socks?

Oh, oh, that's perfect. You just automatically assume it's mine.

Oh.

That's it, Axl. How many times I got to tell you?

Well, I guess more than you did, 'cause I forgot.

Well, let me jog your memory.

I said, "next sock I find, I'm taking away something big."

(Sighs) - Fine. Whatever. God.

Fine, whatever?

Whatever. Punish me. Whatever. Fine.

Okay, fine, whatever, you're not playing in the game on Saturday.

How's that? Is that "fine, whatever" enough for you?

What? You can't do that. It's my last game of the season.

You're benched.

Maybe next time, you'll listen harder to what I say.

Mom. Help me! You can't let him do this!

They're cousin socks! They're all stretched out.

That's why they won't stay on my feet. This is all your fault!

If you'd ever bought me decent socks, this wouldn't happen!

Please, mom, I love you. I love you so much.

Sorry, pal. I support your father.

Are you nuts? The last game of the season? Over socks?

What were you thinking?

I wasn't thinkin'! I was going for shock and awe.

He was looking at me with that snotty face, and I just wanted to take away something that he cared about.

Hello? Car? TV? iPod? Cell phone? Dessert?

Well, where were you with these great suggestions 30 seconds ago? I don't know! I didn't want to undermine you.

Since when? You undermine me all the time! And why am I the only one who's getting on him about these socks?

Actually, the socks don't bother me.

That's your thing. I never got why it bugged you so much.

I mean, you got "underwear Mountain" over there.

I walk on bras to get to the bathroom every morning.

Is that really what we want to be focusing on here?

All right, let's just think a second.

I mean, maybe we can find some way out of it.

You heard me. I was pretty tough out there.

If I go back now, my word means nothing.

I guess that's true.

Oh, man. His final game. He's gonna miss his final game.

Well, sometimes lessons are painful, but you got to learn 'em.

(Sighs) Yep. We won't do this again.

(Groans) God, this is lame. How many socks do I have to leave around the house before you won't let me come to this?

Enough, Axl.

You did what you did, you got what you got, and I'm not losing a minute of sleep over it.

Mom? Who's liberace?

Why do you ask?

I think you know why I ask.

I got called it on the way to the bathroom.

Kids can be very cruel.

It was a teacher.

(Amplified voice) Okay.

It's time to honor our 2010 cross-country squad.

Now our first trophy of the night goes to our MVP...

Sally Hays...

(Applause) I thought Sue was supposed to be MVP MVP Spirit.

Our next award goes to Perrin Chernow, MVP Attitude.

What the hell is happening?

(Sighs) Wait. I think Sue's next.

And our award for Sue Heck, MVP Punctuality.

Rachel Miller...

Everybody gets a trophy? (Sighs)

This isn't winning an award.

This is like hearing your name when they call attendance.

Come on. That's just the way they do it now. It's cute.

And aside from the 40 bucks, what's the harm?

The harm is we're raising kids with no sense of reality. (Sighs)

Used to be, you were the best, you got a trophy.

Now we just give 'em out to any bozo that shows up?

Well, as the father of a bozo, I would keep that to yourself. I mean, these kids have got to know these trophies are meaningless.

Look. I won. I really won! I feel like I'm dreaming!

Oh, we're so proud of you, honey!

Ohh. Hey, look at you!

See, this is what I'm talking about. When I went here in '83, they gave a plaque to one person for sh**ting free throws.

No one had ever made 106 free throws in one season before, so it meant something.

Wait. 106 free throws? That's your number?

Yep. 106. I'm at 101.

No. I thought you had 80-something.

No, dad. You weren't there, but I picked up 12 in the game against Zionsville.

Oh... my... God.

That explains everything! Now it all makes sense!

What?

What ar you talking about?

That's why you won't let me play in the game on Saturday.

You're scared I'm gonna b*at your record!

You're not playing on Saturday?

No! He won't let me!

Frankie, Mike's not letting Axl play?

But it's the last game of the season.

Tell her, mom. Tell her the story.

Tell her how dad's scared I'm gonna b*at his record.

Look, it's a parenting issue it's about respect.

He won't respect you if he breaks your record?

Exactly It's about his attitude, and...

You know what? I don't have to explain anything to anyone.

Where's Sue? Let's get outta here.

See? This is what it's like in my family.

I just can't please my father. Won't anyone adopt me?

Basketball is my only ticket out of this hellhole!

You see the looks they were giving me?

The accusing eyes? Like I knew Axl might b*at my record.

It's horrible. It's just so horrible.

What's wrong with people?

You didn't know, did you?

'Course not! How could you even think that?

Well... Here's how I could think that.

Come on, Axl. Take your sh*t.

(Crash)

Almost. Almost. Come on.

Stay on me. Stay on me. Stay on me.

Uh-oh. (Thud)

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

I had to ask.

Don't you think I want to see my own son b*at my record?

That's the kind of thing a dad dreams of.

I hate to say it, but this whole thing never would have happened if you hadn't given him such a crazy punishment.

Just curious. How much do you have to hate to say something before you actually don't say it? You know, I was thinking...

Maybe there's some other solution.

I mean, we didn't know about the record. That's new information.

You want me to cave, Frankie? Is that what you want me to do?

No. Definitely not. We can't cave.

But I was just, you know, wondering...

What if, while you were definitely not caving, Axl came to you?

What if he offered you a gesture of remorse?

Well, if he came to me...

We're the kind of people that believe in second chances, aren't we? I could tell Mike liked my idea, because he was beginning to think he came up with it.

You know, if he came to me with a gesture of remorse, that would be different.

I mean, then I wouldn't have to cave.

So Mike put his plan to work.

All he needed was for Axl, on his own, to give him a reason to put him back in the game.

Boy, I'm not looking forward to cleaning those gutters.

(TV playing indistinctly)

Every year, about this time, your mom gets on me to do it.

Would really show some character if someone offered to help.

Might make a person change his mind about a person.

Why would I change my mind about you, dad? You ruined my life!

Meanwhile, Sue's life had never been better.

Mike's theory that you could only appreciate a trophy if you earned it went right out the window with Sue.

This? It's for cross-country. "Most punctual." (Giggles)

Oh! Hi again! (Giggles) Same trophy.

(Bark)

(Gasps) What are you doing? Stop!

You're not gonna outrun me! I'm on cross-country!

(Pants)

Wow. Dogs are fast.

Since teenagers aren't always so great at grasping subtlety, Mike decided to dumb it down for him.

You know, Axl, I once had this big fight with my dad.

Two of us didn't talk for weeks. I felt bad about it, and I knew that he was wanting his car washed, so I went out and did it.

And when he saw that gesture, he knew that was my way of saying sorry, and so...

He was able to turn around and give me something I wanted.

God, dad. After all you've done to me, what makes you think I want to hear one of your boring stories?

(Door opens)

Sue, I saw your trophy. The Glossners have it!

What?

I was walking past their house, and I saw it in their garage. Luckily, they couldn't see me, because I'm wearing camouflage. (Whispers) Camouflage.

(Whispers) Glossners.

What?

I know you've got my sister's cross-country trophy in your garage.

Maybe we do, maybe we don't.

If it's in our garage, it belongs to us.

Look, there is no reason why we can't all win here.

If you give me back my trophy, I'm willing to give you this replica of the eiffel tower my great aunt brought back from Paris.

The one in Las Vegas.

How long do you think it'll take 'em to decide?

The day of the last game finally arrived, and Mike and I couldn't have felt any worse...

We should get goin'.

Should stop by the locker room...

At least wish the guys luck.

Until he said that.

I got to get my jacket.

(Sighs) Do we really have to be good parents?

Seriously, Mike. What if we didn't stick to our g*ns?

Who would know? Axl wouldn't tell.

We can teach him other kinds of lessons.

Frankie, do you really think that's the thing to do?

(Sighs) No.

I'll be in the car.

And then, just as the buzzer was about to go off, Mike decided to take one last sh*t, a sh*t that couldn't possibly miss.

Axl, wait.

If someone would just help me out by, uh, clearing my plate, it, uh, might change my mind and make me want to do something nice in return.

It's practically in there already.

Just put it in the sink.

Literally, just move it 6 inches into the sink.

Why would you think I'm in the mood to help you?

I've been giving you signs all week that I'm upset with you, and you just don't get it. God! How obvious do I have to be?

(Exhales deeply)

Go.

You said it was in here.

They must have moved it. Keep looking.

(Whirring)

Brick, we got to get out of here!

There it is. I can get it.

Hurry!

(Gasps) That was close!

Brick?

Brick?

Sue? Are you out there?

Brick, just stay calm!

You have to get me out of here, or else the Glossners will find me and k*ll me! Don't let me die in these stupid clothes!

(door squeaks)

What?

Hi. I don't like to accuse people of things, but you have my trophy, my eiffel tower, and my brother in your garage, and if you don't let him out, that's kidnapping, and I'll call the police.

Well, how'd he get in our garage?

Yeah. That's trespassing. Maybe we'll call the police.

Oh.

Tell you what. I'll let you have all three back for a kiss.

Oh, God!

Okay.

I didn't tell you what you had to kiss.

Ew!

Then it'll cost you $20.

(Door squeaks)

The only thing harder than taking your kid out of a basketball game, is having to go to that basketball game after you've done it.

It was a parenting issue! Can't I just wait in the car?

Man: And now the starting lineup for your thundering hens!

Well, I guess I'll go sit on the bench.

You don't have to come in, dad. I'm sure you'd rather stay out here and stare at your plaque all night.

For God's sake, Axl, do you think I don't want you to play in this game?

You think I don't want you to break my record?

It's k*lling me that my own son has a chance to get his plaque up there... another Heck man on the wall... and now he won't.

But I gave you every opportunity to get back in this game. and you wouldn't take it.

What opportunity? Now you're just making stuff up!

If you'd have just moved the plate 6 inches into the sink...

It wasn't my plate!

I was trying to give you an opening.

Why do you think I was talking about cleaning the gutters?

Wait a minute.

If I cleaned the gutters, you would have let me play tonight?

Yes!

Why didn't you tell me that?!

Because I wanted you to come up with it on your own.

If you want me come up with stuff on my own, you got to tell me!

All I needed was one gesture, one tiny expression of remorse or apology.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not a mind reader!

I heard "I'm sorry." Apology accepted. Go play!

But I wasn't apologizing...

Go, you fool! Go!

(Marching band music playing, cheering and applause)

(Door squeaks) All I've got is this $50 bill from my birthday money.

I'm gonna need change.

(Door squeaks)

(Groans) Fine!

You think you've taken something from me, but you haven't!

I don't need a trophy to tell me I'm punctual!

I know it!

You are just...

BULLIES!

You're worse than bullies! You are Glossners!

You can all just go jump in a lake!

I don't need any of this anymore!

(Door squeaks)

But I do need my brother.

You can have your brother or your trophy. Choose.

(Sighs) My brother.

This him?

No.

It's the other one.

Thanks for picking me over the trophy.

Of course, Brick. You're my brother.

While you were in there did, ah, Derrick say anything about me?

No.

Good. 'Cause he's gross.

By the way, Sue, I finally figured out a use for all these pockets.

(Gasps) My trophy... piece!

I took it apart to get it past the Glossners.

Luckily, they're not very smart.

Although, they did explain this shirt to me.

(Brakes squeal)

Aw, yeah!

(Groans, laughs)

Sorry, dad! Some records were made to be broken, but yours was made to be axed!

You'd never know it from the dancing, but Axl's team lost by 30. He did, however, set the new free throw record at Orson high.

Don't forget your plaque. Sue might want it if you die or something.

Okay, okay... You done gloating yet?

Wait. Where's my plaque? Oh, that's right.

It's in the Trophy Case where yours used to be. (Laughs)

Now I'm done.

Of course, even though they lost, every member of Axl's team did get a trophy for participating in the Season.

Yes! (Laughs)

Yeah, oh, oh, oh, ow!

I know. I'm thinking it too. Did we do the right thing?

I mean, I'm glad he's happy, but should we not have let him play?

By caving, did we send a bad message?

I don't know. It's a tough one. Maybe we'll always be wondering.

That's not it.

I just can't believe the little bastard broke my record.

(Sighs) Thought that's what you wanted.

I thought so, too, but my plaque has been put out to pasture.

Makes me feel kind of... old.

Oh, honey.

How can you be old when you have such a hot, young wife? Hmm?

I do?

Mm.

Well, get her out here.

Ha ha. Ohh. (Sighs)

This cold air's making my elbow hurt. Let's go in.

I'll be in in a minute.

(Groaning)

So, dad...

How'd it feel in the 1800s when you won the record?

Felt pretty damn good.

'Course, uh, mine was all net, didn't roll around the rim like yours did.

Ooh. You know what'd be cool?

Maybe someday my kid will b*at my record.

Hmm. 'Course he'll b*at yours first.

Hmm.

Oh, no! Too bad.

I think what you meant was...

Hee-hee! So you still need help with those gutters?

Nah. Truth is, gutters don't bother me.

(Lowered voice) It's more your mom's thing.

(Chuckles)

So as it turned out, we had three trophies to put up on the mantle.

Sure, Mike's wasn't in the Case at school anymore, but I don't think he minded.

(Both speaking indistinctly)

'Cause when you get down to it, what really is our legacy?

Is it a trophy, a record, or is it something more?

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo- hoo-hoo-hoo-o!

What happened there?!