03x13 - My Fuzzy Valentine

[bunniefuu]

(thunder rumbling)

Linda: Happy Valentine's Day to all my loves.

Smooches.

Everyone gets a smooch.

(kissing sounds)

Oh, give Gene mine.

I'll take it.

(kissing sounds)

I hope a certain wife is ready to be romanced.

Huh?

Oh.

Oh, Bobby.

A pancake shaped like a heart.

Wow.

We got the rejects.

Mine looks like a moustache.

Pancake rides, five cents.

I can't see what mine looks like, but it feels ear-shaped maybe?

What you doing under the table, you silly?

Hiding. I-I mean I'm not here so I can't go to school.

But it's Valentine's Day.

You love Valentine's Day.

Until the St. Valentine's Day disaster last year. What?

I'm talking about Jimmy Jr.'s Valentine card.

Here, Tina.

"From"?

No...!

My heart was m*rder*d by the word "from."

No one says "I from you."

I'm not going to school today.

If Tina's not going, I'm not going.

Scoot over.

Yeah, we made a pact.

Everybody out from under there.

You're all going to school.

Gene: No.

Yes.

There's a lot of learning to do down here.

What's under there?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Come on, it's raining, I'll give you a ride.

♪ Buckle it up, buckle it up ♪
♪ Buckle it up or you'll die. ♪

So? I'd say I knocked it out of the park with your mother this year.

Mm, more like a swing and a miss.

Heart-shaped pancakes is just as bad as a "from."

No, it isn't.

You do the same thing every year, Dad.

You need to mix it up.

Yeah.

What? I mix it up.

I mean, I stick to a central theme, hearts, but your mom loves them.

Yeah, she never gets tired of them.

Huh?

Mmm...

Huh?

Oh...

Well?

Mm... (groans)

Hmm.

Grow up, Dad.

Only kids get to make homemade gifts.

She deserves something nice this year.

Mom's a real keeper.

She's okay.

Teddy: So, Lin, did Bob make another last-minute heart-shaped thing this year?

Flapjacks.

Oh.

Oh.

Ah, it's all right.

Valentine's Day isn't about valentines.

It's about two people being in love.

♪ Two people ♪
♪ Together forever ♪
♪ Security in life ♪
♪ And someone to love ya ♪
♪ Instead of being all alone ♪
♪ Such a lonely existence ♪
♪ I'd k*ll myself. ♪

Tough song.

It's talking about us, Mort.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

Going on about love when you guys don't...

Have any love... in the slightest?

I just got a great idea.

I'm gonna find love for both of you today.

We are gonna do speed dating.

All right. I could go for that. I'm in.

I'll make a sign.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Bob: Okay, so what do you think your mom wants-- chocolates? Perfume?

We don't think what Mom wants.

We know what Mom wants.

Great, what does she want?

A Grazielda figurine.

Oh, yeah, those porcelain thingies.

Okay, I'll-I'll get one of those. Thanks.

All right, have a good day, kids.

Dad, there are hundreds of Grazieldas, thousands maybe.

Taking our jobs, marrying our women.

Only we know the exact one Mom wants.

Yeah, if you pick the wrong one, it's like you got her nothing!

Okay, so tell me-- which one is it?

We'll tell you... at the mall.

Yeah, we should go to the mall.

My heart will be safe from Jimmy Jr. there.

Hey, I'm not taking you out of school to go to the mall.

Okay, well, you know, it's your marriage.

(knock on window)

You're holding up the line.

Hold on, one minute.

Hmm, I could stand to wow her.

(horns honking) Then wow the woman.

Stop, I'm... wait!

Come on, move it!

You move it!

I'm saying good-bye to my kids! (groans)

You're sure you know?

I know.

All right, we're going to the mall then!

(whoops) To the mall!

Yeah!

Okay.

Eat it, you losers!

♪ Buckle it up, buckle it up ♪
♪ Buckle it up or you'll die. ♪

Okay, we go in, you tell me which one to buy, I get you back to school by 10:00, and you can tell your teachers, um, you had, uh...

A dyslexic episode!

Pregnancy.

Bob: Hmm.

Shingles.

Uh, yeah, that's good, fine.

Bob: Wow, these are all so corny.

Louise: What's so corny about a puppy under an umbrella?

(Bob groans)

All right, so which one does your mom want?

That one!

That one!

That one?

That one.

Wait a second, you have no clue which one your mom wants-- you just tricked me to get out of school.

How dare you!

I believed them, too, Dad.

Egg on our face, huh?

Let me guess-- looking for a Grazielda for your lovely wife?

Yeah, so which one is the least expensive?

Oh, this is kind of our starter figurine-- La Princessa.

She's $250.

What? That's your cheapest?

I don't like that word.

Perhaps you nor your wife are really serious about Grazieldas.

No, we're not.

Who would be serious about these things?

Bill Belichick, Peter Frampton, Linda Lavin to name a few.

Kids, we're leaving.

Linda: Welcome, ladies, to Bob's Burgers' Speed Dating.

You'll have one minute with these fine gentlemen, and when you hear this--

Kank-kank-- switch partners.

But if you hear this-- cra-cra-crank-- change topics.

And who's ready to fall in love?

(watch beeps) Speed date.

So, Teddy, this is Gina.

You two are now in pre-love.

We are?

Well, you got 60 seconds to figure it out.

So, ticktock, let's go.

Uh, I'm Teddy, like Linda said earlier.

Um, what do we talk about?

Uh, I don't know.

What do we talk about?

I want to lick this one like an envelope, mmm.

Great, mail jokes.

(laughs) Oh, you're a mailman.

Kids, how about this cell phone cover?

It says, "Got Milf."

That's perfect, right?

For your mom?

I'll get this and then I'll bring you kids back to school.

School? Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Dad, you need to wow her.

This is not gonna wow her.

I thought you were done half-assing it, Dad.

Why can't you be more romantic?

What? I'm plenty romantic.

Very funny.

Stop goofing.

What was the most romantic thing you ever did for Mom?

I don't know, I planned stuff.

I planned a whole romantic day one time.

It was her birthday...

No, wait, it was my birthday...

No, no, no, wait, it was Valentine's Day.

It was our first Valentine's Day together.

Gene: You are the worst storyteller.

Where's Maya Angelou when you need him?

Bob: Yeah, I made a picnic basket and I picked out a spot to watch the sunset, and then my car d*ed.

So we had to get towed to the mechanic's.

Tell me exactly what was wrong with the car-- was it a gasket?

Was it the carburetor?

Tina: Guys, he's telling us a romantic story.

Bob: While the car was getting fixed, we went to a bar across the street.

It wasn't the beach at sunset, but we, uh, we had a great time.

Tina: Aw.

And there was this old b*at-up machine, like a love tester or something, and we squeezed the lever together, and it said we were "red hot."

And she kissed me and that's, uh, that's when I knew we were in love.

That's it. Buy Mom the love tester.

What do you mean, the actual machine?

Yeah, she'd totally marry you if you did that.

Dad, do you remember where that bar is?

Will it take all day to find it?

Hmm, I do think I remember where it is.

Oh, really?

We've got a mission.

The most noble mission there is-- a love mission.

It's a missionary position mission.

Yeah, she'd really like that.

Probably get it for, like, 50 bucks, tops.

All right, I'll drop you off at school and then I'll go to the dive bar.

That's crazy.

School is way out of the way.

They're doing construction on that one street, it's raining-- what a clusterjam.

We should go with you, Dad.

All right, you can come, but then right back to...

Uh-uh-uh, not another word about school.

To the dive bar!

Next dating game... speed hand holding.

(watch beeps)

And... hold hands.

Kank-kank!

(grunting)

Teddy, Teddy, you're gonna hurt her.

You're not trying to crush her.

What?

I don't mind it rough.

Very good, Mort.

You are as limp as can be.

Limp and clammy, my signature hold.

(door opens, bell jingles)

Sergeant Bosco!

What are you doing here?

Someone just robbed a jewelry store on Front Street.

He fled on foot in this direction so we're going door-to-door.

Oh.

All we know is he's five-ten to six-feet tall with an athletic build.

Eh, none of you guys fit that description.

Wow, that's harsh. Hey. A few years ago.

Bosco, I couldn't help notice you don't have a wedding ring.

Did the guy steal that, too?

No, I chucked it into a ravine after my divorce went through.

Oh.

Officer (over radio): 500 block is negative.

Well, keep looking!

Damn, we had him, and then we lost him.

Talking to me, Bosco?

No!

Maybe don't leave your thumb on the button?

Eh, what's going on in here?

Speed dating.

Ladies, I think we've got a new contestant.

No, no, if I wanted to feel like a loser, I'd just call my kids.

But this is Bob's Burgers' Speed Dating.

Ladies and cops eat free.

All right, you got five minutes.

Okay, couple up, clank-clank!

How can I help you?

Yeah, I was here about 15 years ago and I-I played this old timey-looking love tester thing.

Do you still have it?

You mean Dr. Love's Love Testometer?

Yeah, that's it.

He knows it. Hooray.

Eh, the owner sold it a few years ago.

Oh, man.

Do you know who he sold it to?

Nah, no clue, sorry.

I know where it is.

Hugo!

Bob.

Bob.

Ron.

Hugo.

Yes, what?

Oh. You know where the love testometer that used to be here is?

I do. In fact, later today I'm inspecting the establishment where it's currently testometering.

That's great. I think you should invest in new soap for your bathroom before you purchase vintage amusements.

You think soap's the problem with our bathroom?

But it's not for the restaurant.

It's my Valentine's Day gift for Linda.

Oops, I just forgot where it is.

Oh, come on.

I'm not helping you buy Linda a romantic Valentine's gift.

Maybe you should tell him, Hugo.

Maybe I don't want to hear it, Ron.

All right.

You're such a jerk, Hugo, you know that?

There are 97 bars and restaurants in my expansive jurisdiction.

Good luck finding it, Bob.

(laughs)

Bob (sighs): Back to the mall, I guess.

Don't take this lying down, Dad.

But Hugo won't tell us where the testometer is.

He said he's inspecting the place today.

So, okay, so what day is it?

It's today.

Right.

So you have to follow him.

Yes! It's Valentine's Day, damn it.

You're right. He'll lead us right to the love testometer.

Let's ride.

Hyah!

(whoops) But let's get a hot chocolate or something first.

It's all rainy out.

Great idea, Eugene.

Whoo-hoo.

Mm-hmm.

Tina (groaning): You're too close!

He'll see us.

I know what I'm doing.

I've got a buffer car.

You're gonna lead us right to the testometer.

And... we lost him.

We didn't lose him, we'll catch up.

I can still see him.

Gene: Look, he's turning.

No, no, no, don't turn.

All right, uh...

Let's see if I can safely go through this red light.

We're losing him. Drive!

It's safe! It's safe!

(horn blaring)

Bob: Oh, sorry.

Sorr... I'll go.

(car horn beeps)

I'll go... Stop!

(truck horn blares) Okay!

(horns honking)

I'm... I'm in the FBI.

It's, uh, uh... it's official business!

S-Sorry.

(horns honking)

Kank-kank.

All right, new game.

Everyone say your favorite food.

(watch beeps) Go.

Soy sauce.

Wax lips?

Plain white rice.

Fried green tomatoes.

Favorite love-making position.

Go!

The Fried Green Tomato.

The Pick n' Roll.

The Broken Sprinkler.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

The Sticky Wicket.

No, no, no. Getting people to say their favorite things isn't gonna work.

Sure it is. If you like the same food or sex angles, you're compatible.

I'd do the exact opposite.

I'd make everyone say the worst thing about themselves, the most embarrassing, darkest secret.

If the other person can stomach you for another second, then maybe you have a chance together, maybe.

What? That is the least romantic...

I want to do it. Let's do it. I'm game.

No.

I'll go first.

Hi there.

I'm part of a secret society.

We hunt men for sport.

Hello. I've had a yeast infection for ten years.

Stop. Oh, Gina, no. (gags)

Sometimes I just put the mail down the storm drain.

I knew it. I knew it.

Yeah, there you go.

I called in a b*mb thr*at once 'cause I heard Mark Harmon was staying at this hotel.

I wanted to see him evacuate, and then I stalked him for a year and hit his wife with my car.

No, stop it.

Saying icky stuff about yourselves isn't what Valentine's Day is about.

Now, stop it.

Well, it's what love's about.

And if you women can handle my baggage, then you can fly with me, but bring a sick bag, 'cause it's gonna be a real bumpy ride.

Clean-up, aisle my panties.

No.

Psst, over here.

Huh?

Hey, do you have a coin-operated machine in there that predicts love?

Can't I just take out the trash one time without getting hit on by some perv?

He may be a perv, but that's my dad.

Hugo's gonna take forever.

We wouldn't have to wait for Hugo to lead us to the next place if we found out where he's going.

It's locked.

But the window's open a cr*ck.

Maybe we can find a hanger or...

Hangers are for Sunday school clothes.

Bring me a rock.

We're not smashing the window.

It'll look like the rain did it.

Do it.

Get that clipboard.

Gene, stop.

Ron: Uh, thanks.

Hugo would have blamed me for that.

Oh, hey. Hi, Ron. This is...

Ron, what are you doing here?

Hey!

This not my van.

We were just gonna get some ice cream from this truck here.

We're just getting the clipboard.

Listen, Hugo's wrong not to help you out.

I don't know which place has the testometer, but, uh, this is where we're going today.

Hey, thanks, Ron.

You know, we'll check those places out.

You're a good guy to help us.

You're a great guy.

I look up to you, man.

Oh.

I wouldn't mind having a friend like you.

Okay, let's go, kids.

Thanks again, Ron.

See you.

♪ Falafel ♪
♪ We're on a love mission ♪
♪ Pizza ♪
♪ We're on a love mission ♪
♪ All the rest ♪
♪ We're on a love mission. ♪

Kids, uh, stay outside.

Excuse me, sir, do you have something called the love testometer?

I got your love testometer right here, pal.

That goes in the buttbank.

Gene: Yah!

Yah! Hyah!

Well, this is the last place on the list.

It better be here.

I'll have a seven and seven.

No! Make it an eight and eight.

Make mine a double, would you?

A 16 and 16, thank you.

I'm good with water.

No, wait.

Um, yeah, just water.

Kids, please. Look, I-I've been driving all over, trying to find my wife this Valentine's gift, and you're my last hope.

Everybody loves these tiny umbrellas.

How many does she want?

No, no, no.

I'm actually looking for Dr. Love's Love Testometer.

Please say you have it; I want to buy it from you.

You want to buy my love testometer?

You-you actually have it?

Yeah, it's right over there.

It's exactly as I remembered.

It's beautiful.

I'd love to sell it to you.

Great!

But I can't, I already sold it.

Hello, Bob.

Lookie what I just boughtie.

Odd bumping into you here, Bob.

Oh, wait. No, it's not.

I knew you were coming, thanks to Mr. Opens-the-van-for-anyone over here.

Hugo noticed the missing carbon copy from the clipboard.

Nerd.

Now Ron's not allowed to ride up front with me in the van.

Come on, Dad, you need to get that testometer for Mom.

I'm starting to disappear.

How much did he pay for that?

A hundred bucks for that junk.

(sighs) All right.

Hugo, please sell me the love testometer.

Uh, no. Hugo, this isn't about me and you.

This is about giving a woman a gift to make up for years of-of...

Crap?

Well, not quite crap, Tina.

Last-minute nothings?

Crap.

Listen, Hugo, please sell it to me.

Linda deserves it.

Okay, Bob, I will sell it to you.

For $500.

But you only paid $100.

$500?

Is that thing magic?

You want it or not, Bob?

Of course he wants it.

It's just his money's all tied up in real estate right now so...

Do you take fake credit cards?

All right, fine.

Another thing about me, I'm hooked on pills.

The bad kind that make you feel good.

I like to play with a yo-yo, so something comes back to me.

People, enough with the confessions.

You should know that there's hardwood under this carpet.

Yeah, there you go.

Stop, Mort, keep that carpet on.

Damn it, Sergeant Bosco.

You're infecting everyone with your poison.

Don't you have a jewelry store thief to catch or something?

That's why I have one of these; it's called a radio.

And one of these; it's called a g*n.

Yeah, well, what you don't have is one of these.

(imitates heartbeat) A heart.

Mmm.

Ugh.

Pleasure doing business with you, Bob.

Wow. Now you won't have to get Mom another gift for 30 years.

Yup. This is the best present ever, a living memory.

Your Mom and I even carved our initials on the side. See?

Who's "BB"?

Bob Belcher.

No, who's the other "BB"?

Uh, what other...

Oh, God.

(rock music playing)

This is fun.

What?

Barbara Bunkley!

Oh, how could I have forgotten that Valentine's Day was with Barbara Bunkley?

Who is Barbara Bunkley?

What was I thinking?

Barbara Bunkley!

Will someone please tell me who Barbara Bunkley is?!

I'm guessing it's our real mom.

And she's beautiful and sporty.

She was my girlfriend the year before I met your mother.

I can't believe that.

The date I'm remembering wasn't with your mom.

(laughing) What a moron!

So this love mission was a sham?

Hugo, I don't want it anymore.

Take this stupid thing back.

Oh, no, Bob, no refunds.

Okay, okay, there we go.

I guess we're a little short on women, huh?

Yeah, yeah, work those nubs.

Ooh, that's it, right there.

Another hard truth about me...

Oh, you stupid...

I pepper-sprayed my barber, but I mean, look at this.

(angry muttering)

Here it goes.

I dress up as Santa every night.

It's the only way I can go to sleep.

Uh... What, Miss ten-year yeast infection.

See a doctor, why don't you?

(angry muttering)

I have a prison pen pal.

He thinks my name is Michelle.

Technically he's my fiancé.

I also ran over Vinny Testaverde's wife.

Oh, that's it!

Everyone needs to stop listening to this cruddy duddy right now!

Kank-kank-kank.

Too bad, Linda, you just don't know anything about dating.

Yes, I do.

Then why is everyone listening to me?

They're not.

They are.

Oh, yeah, well, without this...

(gasping) Whoa!

...no one's gonna listen to you anymore, tough guy.

Yeppity-do, da-da-da.

Sha-ba-da-ba-bum.

Uh, Lin, I don't think you can take a police officer's g*n.

Sure I can. I just did. Look.

No, I mean, by law.

Do you have any idea what you've just done?

No. Kind of.

Is it bad?

You're under arrest.

(groans)

Oof, oof, tight.

Too tight.

Shush. One size fits all. Shut up.

What's going on?

Mommy's getting arrested.

What? Whoa-ho-ho, I thought Dad blew it.

Yeah, well, Mommy blew it real bad here today.

She blew it. Oh.

What's going on is taking an officer's sidearm is a felony.

Whoa, Mom, you took his g*n?

She sure did, Louise.

I just wanted to get control of speed dating.

That does not seem like a thing you would need a g*n for.

Where have you been, Bobby?

We spent all day helping Dad get you the perfect Valentine's gift.

All day? You kids weren't at school?

Dad sprung us.

I wanted to do something special for you today.

We... we went all over town trying to find this thing from our first Valentine's Day together.

Dad ran a red light.

We went to Chinatown.

And Pickles.

Pickles?

And I spent $500 on it, but it wasn't from our first Valentine's Day together.

It was from a Valentine's Day I spent with Barbara Bunkley.

I remembered it wrong.

I'm so sorry, I'm... I'm an idiot.

So you're telling me you let the kids play hooky to run all over town to hunt down some expensive thing you remembered from a date we didn't even go on?

Yes.

That... is... so romantic!

Aw.

Aw.

What?

Oh, Bobby!

You went through all that trouble for me.

This is the best Valentine's Day ever.

Ever!

(radio beeps) Give me that.

So you came here for speed dating?

No. A jewelry store got robbed.

The suspect was spotted in the area.

But you stayed for speed dating? Yeah.

You must be hard up for chicks. Yup.

I'm sorry I'm getting arrested on Valentine's Day.

Come here.

(kissing sounds)

Ow. Ow.

So, uh... what, I'll-I'll follow you two down to the station?

Yep. This little lady is going right to...

(static crackles) Shh! Shh!

Wait! Shut up! Shut up!

Officer (over radio): Be advised.

Jewelry store suspect spotted at 15th and Grand.

All right, I'm on my way. You, follow me.

Well, I guess it's your lucky day.

You talking to me?

No, for God's sake.

I'll show you how to use the radio when you get back to the station.

Oh!

It's so easy to call in a false tip.

Those streets don't even intersect.

Hi, Tina.

Hi, Jimmy, Jr.

You weren't at school today, so I brought you your homework.

Thanks.

And a Valentine's card.

(groaning)

Aren't you gonna open it?

"Heart" not "from." Yes.

So, see you at school tomorrow.

I'd really "heart" that.

Uh, what?

I'd really "hea..."

I got to get going.

Yeah, me, too.

So, that, uh, stuff you said earlier, that's the worst about you?

Yup. That's it.

Oh, except for one time...

Oh, oh, oh!

Don't say it.

Here's my number.

(shuttering moan)

Hey, I made a match!

I bet I screw this up.

Linda: Kank-kank-kank.

♪ ♪

Linda: ♪ Two people ♪
♪ Together forever ♪
♪ Security in life ♪
♪ And someone to love ya ♪
♪ Instead of being all alone ♪
♪ Such a lonely existence ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Two people ♪
♪ Together forever ♪
♪ Security in life ♪
♪ And someone to love ya ♪
♪ Instead of being all alone ♪
♪ Such a lonely existence ♪
♪ I'd k*ll myself. ♪