01x01 - Episode One

Episode transcripts for the TV show "You, Me and the Apocalypse". Aired September 30 - December 2, 2015.
"You, Me and the Apocalypse" follows what happens when an eclectic group of individuals are forced to survive together as an eight-mile wide comet heads towards Earth.
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01x01 - Episode One

Post by bunniefuu »

'See that? That's what's going to k*ll everyone any second now. It doesn't matter who you are, black or white, straight or gay, rich or poor.'

'Yeah, it's Judgment Day. The actual apocalypse. And where am I? In Slough. Or rather, under Slough, watching it on telly.'

One minute now.

One minute. These pictures coming live to us from Hubble.

'I know what you're thinking. Cheer up, you're one of the lucky ones! My question is, am I? I mean, have you seen who else is in here? Who are these people?'

'How the hell did this happen? Are we the future of mankind? I mean, seriously?!'

The human race united as never before.

It's time to brace ourselves to say goodbye.

Thank you all for watching. I hope we'll meet again.

Hey, lovely.

Message 2,610.

It's my birthday. Yay!

Seventh one without you.

And it's not getting any easier.

I thought it would, but nothing changes.

I still miss you...

..as much as I did on day one.

So, usual stuff - if you're out there, give me a sign.

Anything. Just... a little birthday present.

Blimey, you're up early. I haven't been to bed yet.

But good news, I am now officially a Level 3 Warlock.

All right!

Good to hear the career is going well.

Aren't you tired of having exactly the same thing cooked for exactly the same amount of time every morning?

No. And by the way, it's Tuesday.

No, don't sigh, just pay the rent.

'I spend too much of my life having this conversation. So set up a direct debit. Yeah, but then I'd be on the grid. What grid?!'

Let's do a little experiment, shall we? Let's not.

What happens if I do this?

Oh, no, he's out of his comfort zone.

Heart pounding, palms clammy. Embrace it, this is therapy.

Embrace the chaos.

Good news, I'm also timing it on my watch.

So there!

Hmm? I... Ah!

Is this you teaching me to embrace the chaos?

You've burnt your mouth, haven't you?

Seriously, Jamie, these routines are k*lling you.

You need to get some life back in your life.

Noob! Noob!

Be careful where you look, yeah? Don't look 'em in the eye.

In here, it's a sign of aggression.

You're in a world of pain, noob.

Ignore 'em, just walk.

Noob! Noob! Noob! Noob!

Deep breaths.

Deep breaths.

Noob! Noob! Noob! Noob!

Welcome to the neighbourhood, noob.

She's fine, got dibs on that!

Going to rope it, soap it and grope it.

This is temporary.

No, no, I mean it. I'm going to get bailed out any second.

My lawyer's working on it.

So you'll come and get me as soon as it's posted, right?

I put a mint on your pillow. Enjoy.


OK, don't panic. Don't panic.

Hey, noob, over here.

It's OK, don't be scared.

What's your name, noob?


Rhonda, that's a nice name.

f*ck you, Rhonda.

Where's my money?

See, this ring's for the Latinas. You pay rent, b*tch.

Hey, why don't you leave her be?

This don't concern you. It's between me and the noob.

I said, leave her alone or else you and me is going to have a little problem, sweetheart.

Hey, Rhonda, I'm Leanne.

Girl, I seen you on the TV.

You are quite the celebrity.

You OK in there, hon?

Uh, not really.

Now, don't you worry about them girls.

You're going to be just fine.

You're with me now and I ain't going to let nothing bad happen to you.

Thank you. Well, it is my pleasure, hon.

What are friends for?

Et benedictus fructus ventris tui Ave Maria, gratia plena Dominus tecum Benedicta tu in mulieribus Et benedictus fructus ventris tui Ah, you must be the new work experience. Gavin, is it?

Welcome aboard.

So, interested in banking, are we?

Nah, I sent my form back late. All the good stuff had gone.

Oh, I see.

'Well, any questions - don't be shy. Just ask. So, you're one of them fat cats then?'

One of the w*nk*r that screwed us?

Well, what do you think?

Nah, you'd be better dressed.


Any other questions?

Yeah, got a hug for your mum?!


Mum, this is Gavin. Gavin, my mum.


Mum, I can't drink. I'm at work.


I've got one child and I am going to help him celebrate his birthday.

Plus, I just finished being on nights for a week. So, cheers.

Christ, I'm losing the will to live.

Sod it, we're not learning anything. Let's do this.

Here you are! Happy birthday, darling. Thanks, Mum.

A subscription to an online dating website.

Mum, we've been through this!

You've got to move on, Jamie.

I don't want to move on.

You're like that woman in the book.

You might have to narrow that down a little bit.

You know the one, the cobwebby one.


No, from the old days.

Um... Oh...thingy!

I've actually got some work to do.


Miss Havisham - Great Expectations.

Jilted at the altar.

I wasn't jilted at the altar.

Spent years moping around the house wearing her wedding dress - frozen in time.

But you're still young, Jamie.


Yeah? You've got to stop acting like your best days are behind you. Who?

It isn't healthy.

Well, what do they want?

Life throws stuff at you.

I'll be there in a minute.

Sometimes it's bad but sometimes it's really good.

It's been seven years, Jamie. Time to let go.

And did you ever stop to think that maybe I like my rut?

Maybe I like having a routine?

I don't want any more surprises in my life.

I like knowing exactly what's going to happen next.

Shut it, shit mouth.

Jamie Winton, I'm arresting you on 484 separate charges of bank robbery, identity theft and international cyberterrorism.

What?! Jamie, what the hell's going on?

You don't have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you don't mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court.

No, no, no, there's been a mistake.

That's what they all say.

Oh, this is way cooler than I thought it was going to be.

Hurry up, Sister Celine.

Please don't doddle, I'm a very busy man.

Sorry, I have done the whole touristy bit but I have never been behind the scene before.

I feel like Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz, when she looked behind the curtain.

A somewhat inappropriate analogy.

There is an actual Devil's Advocate?

You did read the job description before applying, didn't you?

Father Jude will be with you in due course.

Take a seat.

And good luck.

Is it me or did she just look me in the eye?

I just came to say hello, why you got to be so aggressive?

I-I-I wasn't, I swear.

I don't have any money, I can't pay you.

No money and an attitude?

Puts us in an awkward position, don't it?

Oh, now see, I thought I told you to leave her alone.

These ladies bothering you, hon?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, please don't take the Lord's name in vain, sweet pea.

Now, like I said, Rhonda is with me.

That true, noob? You klanning up?

Well, don't be shy now, Rhonda, I thought we was friends.

OK, I'm going to say this real nice and slow, because I know that English ain't your strong point.

Why don't you, and the rest of the donkey f*ck, go and take a siesta.

You think that's acceptable, noob?

That kind of racial slurring?

Ain't no slurring occurring, just stating facts.

I'd rather f*ck a donkey than f*ck my own brother.

Oh, now, see, that is racial, starting in on the inbreeding jibes.

I mean, how come you ain't chastising her, huh?

Oh, what, you on their side now?

Hey, noob, we don't want you on our team.

It ain't like on the outside, hon.

In here, you're white - end of.

You ain't with us, you ain't with no-one.

Oh, no, time to pick!


McNeil, your lawyer's here.

Let's go.

Oh, that's a shame!

Because it looks like I'm out of here. But...

..for the record, I would have chosen this for you.

Oh, but don't worry, I've got one for you, too. What?!


What do you know about the group calling themselves Deus Ex Machina?

Nothing, just what's been on the news.

They're hackers, or anarchists.

I don't know, they seem to hate everything.

And what's your connection to them?

I don't have one.

I want you to take a look at their calling card.

What does this word mean to you?

Nothing, it is gibberish.

And what about if I do... this?

No, still nothing.

Revelations - chapter six, verses 1-2.

"And I saw when the lamb opened one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures saying, as with the voice of thunder, 'Come and behold, a white horse.'"

And how is this relevant to my client?

No-one knows the real identity of the leader of Deus Ex, but online, he goes by the username TheWhiteHorse.

Would you like to see a photo of him?

Remind you of anyone?


Who the f*ck are you?

Sister Celine. I am here for the interview.

Oh, yes, the researcher job.

Please. Bear with me.

Sister Celine... Sister Celine?

Sorry about my language, by the way.

Oh, it's OK, I speak English.

I meant my potty mouth - my swearing. Did it offend you?

It surprised me a little but, no, it does not offend.

Let me ask you, do you find the phrase "Christ on a bike" offensive?

Because I just used it in a meeting and you would have thought that I'd performed an abortion on the table or something.

Well, I suppose the image of Christ riding a bicycle could seem a little bit disrespectful.


Because I think he'd be very likely to ride a bike.

He seems like that kind of a guy to me.

What else would he show up in, a stretch Hummer?

No, it's not here.

Father Alphonse, could you please bring in Sister Celine's file?

So, tell me what you know about the Devil's Advocate.

Honestly, nothing.

I thought it was a figure of speech until I saw your door.

I should not admit that. I never had a job interview before.

Right, in that case I will treat you to the full spiel.

When they want to make someone a saint, they have to prove that they led a good life and that there are two miracles that can be attributed to them since they d*ed.

My job is to prove that they felt up kids and parked in the handicap spaces, and that the two miracles are bullshit.

It's basically quality control.

And it's worked very well for 400 years, until old JP II abolished the office in the '80s, and then what do you think happened?

Eh... We made more saints?


We have canonised more people in the past five years than in the entire 19th century.

So, they have reinstated the office and here I am...

..the ecclesiastical turd in the swimming pool.

And I need help.

I need someone tenacious, with a clear head and thick skin, because we will not be popular.

Do you have doubts, Celine, about your faith?


Good, there is no faith without doubt.

Next question. Do you smoke?

Have you ever tried?

Then how do you know you won't like it?

It's so good to see a friendly face!

You have no idea... OK, here's the thing.

We may have a slight problem.

But I'm making bail, right?

You said if I cooperated I'd make bail.

I know.

You said you could keep me out of jail.

You said community service - picking up trash on the side of the road.

You said those things.

I'm a librarian. I can't survive in here!

There's gangs. There's m*rder.

There's a...

There's a woman who ate someone.

Rhonda, I am doing everything I can.

But I just met with the prosecutor and he's playing hardball.

I don't understand.

He is refusing to plea bargain.

They're making an example of you, to deter others.

The charge stands at treason.

He is seeking five to ten.

Months, right?


But nothing was stolen!

Nothing leaked.

They don't care, Rhonda.

Look at me, what is a black hat?

What's VPN pivoting?

SQL injecting?

What's a rootkit?

Rhonda, what's PowerPoint?

You really expect me to believe that you hacked the NSA, that you got past the toughest cybersecurity on Earth?


Rhonda, help me to help you, please!

Look, I know you're covering for your son.

And that's very noble, but it's very misguided.

They're throwing the book at you and they can't throw it very hard at a 14-year-old.

I know it was Spike.

It was me.

All me.

OK, well, there's one more thing.

In your absence, the court awarded custody of your son to his father, his biological father.

No, that man has done nothing for my son his whole life!

My husband is Spike's dad.

But your husband is very ill.

He's in no state to take care of a minor and you're in here.

That's time.

No, wait, please.

OK, you have to get me out of here!

I know, Rhonda, I am trying all I can. Just stay safe. Don't do anything dumb. Don't antagonise anyone.
Hey, did you hear about that poor cow in the States, the librarian? Somehow she hacks the NSA, right? 20 minutes she's in the system - stole nothing, leaked nothing. She faces five to ten years on principle.

Where are you going with this?

Well, Deus Ex hacked the White House and the Pentagon.

They leaked thousands of files.

If they did that to her, just imagine what the Americans are going to do to you when you're extradited.

But it's not me.

Yeah, except that it is.

And I can prove it. How?

Six weeks ago, Interpol learned that TheWhiteHorse was in Moscow.

They just missed him but they did manage to get some DNA of a wine glass that he used.

And guess who came up as a match.

I've never been to Moscow!

And yet your DNA has. How do you explain that, Professor?

I don't suppose there's any chance that you have a twin?


Oh, bugger, that really would have helped.


Spike, honey, it's me.

Mom, are you OK?

I'm fine, it's all fine.

Don't you worry. The people here are...lovely.

It should be me in there, not you.

Honey, remember that talk we had.

It's all gone to shit anyway, Mom. They're taking me away.

But it's only temporary. I'm getting out soon, I promise.

It's all going to be OK.

I know you don't know your real dad but... he's not so bad.

You always said he was an assh*le.

Well, yeah.

But people change, you know?

Did they tell you where he's living now?

These dicks don't tell me anything.

It's going to be fine.

My lawyer's on it and...

Oh, my money's running out.

Listen to me, I'm coming home. I promise.

I love you so much. I...

Hi, this is Rhonda McNeil, can I speak with my husband, please?

I'm afraid he's asleep right now. The doctor wants him to rest.

He had chemo this morning.

I understand but I really need to speak with him.

I am sorry, it's not a good time. Try him again tonight.

No, I can't try tonight because this is my last coin, see? I...

About eight, OK? Thank you. No...

Here you are.

Let's find out all there is to know about Sister Celine.

Entered the convent straight out of school and... been there ever since. And...

That's it.

Ooh, is this you?

Oh, you were so fat!

Yeah, well, now I get it. Now it makes perfect sense.

Bullied at school, you wanted the boys to look at you and none of them did so you turned to the one man who would always love you as you are.

And look at you now.

A decade of convent living under your belt and, that belt has tightened.

The boys look at you now, don't they?

And in your head is a voice saying, "Maybe I made a mistake. I could have had someone. Been loved. Made love."

And there is another voice, saying, "Don't be stupid, this is your life. Out there, you have nothing."

And both of those voices are yours, aren't they?

Neither one is God's.

So, is it faith keeping you with us or cowardice?

And the waterworks! How predictable.

I'm just tired. I had a long week.

Oh, too tired to defend yourself?

Sister Celine - tenacity, a thick skin.

Look, you've never lived.

How can you possibly have any insight into human nature - the desperation that people feel, the lies that they tell because of it?

Have you ever been hungry, addicted, broke?

What, and you have?


I've made mistakes and I've learned from them.

But you know nothing.

This has been... a profound waste of time.

Another one bites the dust.

I'm not surprised.

I really can't see how a woman could... Shut up.

Come on.

Come on!

Sister Celine.

Is there something that you want to add?

I would have been good at this job.

Was that the best you could do?

You think you can just rip me apart to amuse yourself?

Because I am easy target?

My English is not so good but I know the word for that - assh*le.

Oh, get back in your closet.

As for you, the smoking, the swearing, all such a pose.

Like a child who needs attention.

"Oh, look at me, aren't I different?"

But you are not.

You think you are a rebel but you're just another sad little man who touches his penis too much.

That's better.

I like it, it's spunky.

When can you start?

So that's it, you're just going to go back to the convent?

You don't want to see the world?

Not with you, no.

I don't believe you.

Look, I think you have backed yourself into a corner.

So think about it, pray on it.

Why don't you see what the big fella wants?

I mean, you have met him, right?

Does he seem like a criminal mastermind to you? I mean, really?

Can we just go through the dates?

Thursday the 9th, evening.

Right, Thursday is bowling.

We're in a league.

The 9th was...

Ah, yeah, our famous victory over the Bowling Stones.

I do a ball-by-ball tweet commentary, with, like, photos and...

There's the old boy.

So you'll vouch he was with you?

Oh, don't just take my word for it, ask the boys.

Miami Tony, Jazz...

All right, I get the gist.

Oh, by the way, did you get a mugshot of him?

If so, could I get a copy of that?

Cos I'd love to get some T-shirts made.

See, now, I would not be standing out here alone if I was you.

Oh, yeah, don't tell me - this is your special white power rail.

You don't like me but I'm going to tell you something anyway.

In this place, it is all about front.

You act like a victim, you will be a victim.

You act like a crazy b*tch...

I mean, why do you think I got this thing?

So you're not a white supremacist?

No, I am, I just ain't dumb enough to think this is a good look.

You need to get into the VIF.

It's the Vulnerable Inmates Facility.

It's a little bit less... intense kind of experience.

How do I get in there?

The two most popular ways is getting stabbed or getting pregnant.

I don't want you to s*ab me.

Girl, I ain't offering to s*ab you.

I can get you pregnant, though.

That's nine months in there, just for starters.

Plus, another 18 months for tit feeding and baby bonding and whatnot.

That's over two years of safety, Rhonda.

How are you going to get me pregnant?

I can get you semen.

For the right price, I can get you good, strong semen.

You see, I got a little arrangement for the importation of goods.

My grammy comes and visits me once a week and, I mean, they search her and all but they don't go up her ass on account of respect for the elderly and all that crap.

I get it. That's the scam, right?

You b*at people up and then you offer them safety for a price?

Just leave me alone.

I didn't order that h*t, hon!

Oh, where are you going?

I was trying to help!

Tell me about your wife, Jamie. Tell me about Layla.

Why? "Why?"

Because this is an interrogation and I'm asking you.

She disappeared, right?

We were at Heathrow, we'd just flown back from our honeymoon.

We'd been married for two weeks.

I went to get the car, she went to get coffee...

..I drove around to pick her up and she wasn't there.

And I never found her. She just disappeared.


Gone, just like that, into thin air.

Pfff. Is she alive? Is she d*ad?

Seven years and no answers.

I mean, how do you move on from that?

You don't.

No, I saw those videos you made.

Well, not all of them, obviously.

There must have been about, what, 2,000?

I've got to hand it to you, though, I don't know why you are doing it but as cover stories go, you are very thorough.

I don't understand.

No, that's what I'm saying, neither do I.

I mean, what sort of person pretends that his wife has been missing for seven years?

And the Oscar goes to...

Jamie Winton.

There she is, alive and well.

Oh, and who's that with her?

She's my wife!

I have a right to know!

Well, you broke him.

Didn't learn much, though, did we?

Except A, he's not acting, and B, he's got a watertight alibi.

It wasn't him in Moscow.

Go on.

OK, we're dropping the charges. You're free to go.

It's about time.

Come on, Jamie, let's go.

I'm not leaving.

I want the photo and I want to know everything you know about who she's with, cos it isn't me.

Give me the photo.

I'm sorry, but it's evidence in an ongoing investigation.

I am not at liberty to discuss it with you.

I have been looking for seven years. I have a right to know!

I am sorry, Jamie.

Really, I am.

Come on, Jamie, let's get you home.

In other news, the Attorney General provoked controversy today by confirming he would seek the maximum sentence for Rhonda McNeil.

Civil liberties groups criticised the decision, arguing the punishment was disproportionate to McNeil's crime.

McNeil now faces five to ten years in a maximum security prison, despite stealing nothing...

Girl, you need to sack that stylist!

Her lawyer said today that McNeil would...

Hold on one second.

We are interrupting to go live to the White House, for an emergency statement from the president.

My fellow Americans, three days ago the Hubble space telescope detected an unusually large comet in our solar system.

Since then, scientists have been working around the clock to plot its trajectory.

The comet was first identified in the 1980s and did not pose any thr*at to Earth.

However, it appears that at some point in the last few weeks, in the light of the other...

'Is this some kind of test, Lord? If you want me to do the job, why make me work with him? Or is that the point? Why did you have to make this so difficult? Just tell me, please.'

Oh, thank God. I've been worried sick!

What the hell was all that about?

Honestly, I wish I knew.

So they've dropped the charges?


What is it, are you all right?

Layla's alive.


What's Layla got to do with this?

And it seems there's another me.

What are you talking about?

He looks just like me. We've got the same DNA.

Mum, what aren't you telling me?

Oh, mate, turn on the TV.

Not now, Dave.

No, now, you need to see this.

The collision knocked the comet off course and onto a new trajectory.

It is with great sadness that I must tell you that the comet is now on a direct collision course with Earth.

It will strike us in just 34 days' time.

The comet is eight miles wide and will h*t us travelling at a speed of approximately 27 miles per second.

Current indications are that it will impact Earth somewhere on the eastern Atlantic, off the coast of Europe.

'Just give me a sign like you used to do with the burning bushes.'

'Something clear and unav...'

They have checked and rechecked their findings... all the data points to the same conclusion, that this will be an ELE - an Extinction Level Event.

The burning bush.

I would like to appeal for calm.

The situation will not get easier if we panic.

I assure you, the United States government is doing everything it possibly can to affect the situation, and I will let you know as soon as I have more information.

Hey, are you watching this?

Sit back down!

Open the g*dd*mn door, I'm not going to die in this freezer!

This is genuine, this is not a hoax.

We have just 34 days left.

God, what do we do now?

I don't know about you two but I am going to get absolutely hammered.

We can go to the weather here, but...where's Jane?

Has Jane gone?

She's gone.

You didn't answer my question.

Do I have a twin?

I don't know. Maybe.


What do you mean, "maybe"?

You're adopted, Jamie.

You were found in a shoebox in a car park.

You were tiny, a few hours old.

And I adopted you and I meant to tell you, I promise I did.

But it's just the older you got, there just never seemed a good time.

And this...

This is a good time?!

It is my birthday and the world is ending.

I'm sorry.

Jamie, I'm sorry. Jamie!


Where's that music coming from?

OK, call for backup. Now!

I can't, the line is d*ad.

OK, screw this.

Hey! Hey!

Isn't it wonderful?

He's coming, Sister! He's actually coming!


Every crackpot in the world is about to come out of the woodwork and prey on the scared and the weak.

Fake prophets, bullshit miracles - the world needs sceptics now more than ever.

Are you in or out?


Attention, prisoners, this facility is no longer under the control of the authorities.

Please take a moment to locate your nearest exit, then run, my pretties, run.

I just found out I'm adopted.

OK, and?

So it's possible I have a twin I didn't know about.

I could maybe lead you to him.

I could say I want to meet and wear a wire or something.

You finding him is my best chance of finding her.

Please, let me help with your investigation!

Jamie, turn your TV on.

There's not going to be an investigation.

Who gives a toss about cybercrime?

It's over.

What the hell.

Here, have it.

Moscow, six weeks ago, Thursday the 9th.

That's all I know.

If you want answers, you're going to have to find them yourself.

Good luck.

On behalf of the American penal system, I'd like to thank you for your stay.

If you've enjoyed your time here, do please recommend us to your friends.

Rhonda, get in!

Who the hell are you?

A big fan of your work. Get in.

I'm coming too!

No, drive!

Hey, what's with the n*zi? This wasn't the plan.

The plan just changed. Drive.

We wish you a pleasant future, however short that may be.

And if I may, I'd just like to say the words "penal system" over a loudspeaker again.

OK, who's for birthday cake?

'And that was how it started. That was the day our old lives ended and our new lives began. 34 days ago. It feels like a lifetime. Back then, we were hurtling through the universe on our separate paths. And then boom... somehow we all collided. There's 15 of us in here. But why us? I mean, we are hardly the A Team, are we? So is this just luck or something bigger? Fate, destiny? I mean, are we the chosen ones? God, I sound like such a penis for saying that, but still, after everything that's happened, how else do you explain it?'
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