04x11 - Rossed at Sea Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Guys, our one month vacation starts tomorrow, and we still haven't decided where we're going.

I propose we visit the International Museum of Calculators!

Yeah, 'cause normal museums aren't boring enough.

Okay, I say we go to a bunch of baseball stadiums.

And do what? Watch baseball?

Better idea...

Let's go to the dude ranch and get our ride on!

Because nothing says vacation like saddle sores.

Oh, I'll make sure you're sore no matter where we go.

(All arguing)

Enough!

As the adult in charge here, I will decide where we're going.

We're gonna take a trip on your private yacht.

I already bought boat shoes, a bikini and a big floppy hat.

(Chuckles)

Maybe it's too floppy.

I love cruises! Oh!

Never sneak up on a girl in a floppy hat!

I'm sorry, but I'm so excited!

I just ironed my ascot with the tiny anchors on it! (Giggles)

This is awkward.

How do I put this delicately...

You're not coming!

What? That's not fair!

Well, someone has to stay and watch Mrs. Kipling.

In case of an emergency, simply hit the "Mrs. Kipling" icon on my tablet, and place it on the floor.

So wait, while you guys are gallivanting around the world, I'm gonna be stuck here for a whole month, all by myself?

(All agreeing)

All by myself...

Dreams really do come true!

(Giggling)

Oh!

(Continues giggling)

Someone's not getting a postcard.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Oh!

This is the first time I've ever been on a boat that didn't have missiles.

You always had to be so careful where you leaned.

This was a great idea, Jessie.

For the next month, we can just cruise the Mediterranean and relax.

(Whistle blowing)

Look alive to stay alive, people!

Pop quiz! Where are the emergency exits?

Dude, we're on a boat.

If I want to exit, I'll just do a sick cannonball.

Zuri, if we are capsizing and you cannot find your life jacket, what is the most suitable floatation device?

You, if you don't shut your porthole.

Ravi, I know this is your first time on the yacht, and it's good to be safe, but you want to have fun, right?

(Scoffs) Of course, right after the astral navigation lesson and survival skills seminar.

What? There will be refreshments.

(Softly) First uncharted island we come to, he is off the boat!

Maybe before the island.

Oh! Luke, what's that?

It's making the air near you smell nastier than usual.

Oh! This is my chum bucket.

I'm gonna catch a giant squid and tame it!

You're a weird kid.

You know, being out here on the water makes me think of Millie the Mermaid.

Your imaginary friend, Millie?

She's not back, is she? Am I stepping on her tail?

Jessie, I'm not some silly kid anymore.

I know that Millie was imaginary.

Good.

But I am hoping to see a real mermaid out here.

Alrighty.

There's a bunch of them in the Mediterranean.

I read that on the Internet.

Ah, the Internet.

Where you can see all of da Vinci's greatest works, and video chat with Bigfoot.

(Alarm ringing)

Ooh, my sunscreen alarm!

Time to re-apply, everyone!

I have SPF 20, 30, 45 and a can of white paint.

(All groan)

Guys, Ravi's right.

It's important to wear sunscreen.

Ahh!

Great, now my tonsils won't be sunburned.

(Line whirring) Whoa!

Hey! Hey, guys! I got a bite!

People! Shadows!

Whoa!

I cannot find "how to prevent being hauled overboard!"

Hull maintenance... Seasickness...

(Screaming) Help!

Let's see, tying knots... Did you do these tiny illustrations yourself?

I did, indeed. Thank you so... Guys! Oh! Go! Go!

Come here! Come here! (Grunting)

(All grunting)

Whoa!

(Line snaps)

(All groan)

I lost her!

She was a monster.

Two... No, four rows of razor sharp teeth!

And cold, dead eyes.

(All screaming)

Uh, your monster has a manicure.

Whoa!

I will not be throwing her back.

Mrs. Kipling, have you seen Ravi's orange kurta?

Oh, there it is.

(Growling)

(Grunts)

Oh! What has gotten into you?

Besides rodents and my favorite pair of slippers.

I know you ate them, you've been pooping lint!

(Growls)

Oh, I get it. You miss Ravi.

Well, he misses you too.

You know what I'm missing?

My favorite sci-fi opera show, Aria 51.

(Laughs)

Gimme that!

(Belches)

You ate my remote control!

If I ate something every time I was upset...

(Mrs. Kipling snarls)

Okay, I'm a bad example.

You might have hypothermia.

Let me warm you up.

Here, have soup instead.

It's a lot warmer, and it won't watch you while you sleep.

So, what were you doing all alone in the ocean?

Actually...

I don't know.

I have this terrible headache, and I can't seem to remember anything.

(Gasps) Oh, my gosh, she has amnesty!

The word is "amnesia."

How did she get out of middle school?

The system is broken.

Wait. So, you don't remember anything?

It's all pretty fuzzy, but I kind of remember singing.

And for some reason, the word "Delphina."

That must be your name!

Delphina Ross.

Jessie, can we keep her?

Please, please, please, please, please?

Hey, I caught her. Finders keepers.

Guys, she's not a penny on the sidewalk.

Yeah!

Wait, what's a penny?

Don't ask us. We round to the nearest thousand.

Okay, we should let you get some rest.

I'll show you to the stateroom.

(Gasps)

Whoops!

It's like I don't know how to work my legs.

Jessie: Ah... Been there. After my first spin class, I couldn't walk for a week.

Guys, I figured it out!

Swims in the ocean, wears a shell bra and seaweed, doesn't know how to work her legs...

Don't you see what Delphina is?

A clumsy shell collector with no fashion sense?

No! She's a mermaid!

I'm pretty sure we can still get married in California.

Okay, Delphina is lying down.

I hope you tucked her in with a wet towel.

We gotta keep her moist!

Why? She's not a meatloaf.

I know. She's a mermaid!

I told you we'd find one out here!

Zuri, Delphina is not a mermaid.

And please don't tell her she is.

The poor kid's already confused enough.

I know a mermaid when I see one!

Okay, Ravi, back me up.

Actually, more than 95% of the ocean is unexplored.

New species are discovered every day.

So a mermaid is not altogether implausible.

See? Smarty McScience over here agrees with me!

I have so many questions for Delphina.

I'm gonna go get my list!

Thanks. You're about as supportive as a tube top.

Speaking of bad fashion choices, Delphina really needs a makeover.

And since she obviously can't remember what her style was, she'll be like my own personal mannequin!

With flesh, blood, and feelings.

Yeah, yeah.

Stop treating her like an object.

She belongs to me!

I'm gonna take care of her for the rest of her life.

However long fish live.

Ah, Luke, always willing to help others.

And yet when I was a buck short at the deli, he pretended not to know me.

What? I don't remember that.

I do. When I insisted you give me the money, you screamed, "Stranger danger!"

And the man behind the counter b*at me unconscious with a brisket!

Oh, yeah! (Laughing)

Hey, don't worry, we're gonna get you back home as soon as we can.

So, any chance you remember where that is?

(Sighs) Sorry, no.

But I think my memory could come back, with a little peace and quiet.

Zuri: Delphina!

(Both clamoring)

Ow! You rolled over my foot!

Peace and quiet is not our thing.

Do you sleep in a giant, pearl-encrusted seashell?

How do you keep the sheets from getting wet?

Also, do trampolines work under water?

Who cares?

Delphina, I want you to try on some of my new designs.

Okay!

Speaking of clothes, I have this hazy memory of wearing tails.

Is that a thing?

Sure, if you're a groom, or a magician over 60.

Come on!

(Chuckles)

(Softly) See? She remembers having a tail!

She's a mermaid!

So what? I had an uncle who really did have a tail.

Didn't make him a horse.

Ladies, I give you the new and improved Delphina.

Outfit by Emma Ross.

Wow, you look great!

Like a whole new person.

Thanks!

Wait a minute, I just had this random memory.

I'm seeing a man with a big white beard... ...carrying a giant fork?

(Squeals)

That's your dad! His name is Poseid...

Done with that subject!

Zuri, why don't we leave these two to try on more outfits, okay?

Hey.

That "white beard, fork" stuff doesn't prove anything.

Mer-haters gonna mer-hate.

Hello, I am Bertravi, Ravi's best friend from India.

And I am here to restore the pep in your crawl!

(Sitar playing)

♪ Here's a tale of a boy and a lizard ♪
♪ Best of friends through sun, rain and blizzard ♪
♪ To pull them apart you'd need a wizard ♪
♪ So please cheer up and finish your gizzards ♪

(Snarling)

Huh! What do you know?

The ladies dig us musicians no matter what the species.

Ravi, we're on vacation!

Why are you still reading?

Zuri asked me to help her prove that Delphina is really a mermaid.

And if I can, I could become the youngest person ever to receive a Nobel Prize!

And the oldest person ever to receive their first girlfriend!

Just hold Delphina down while I dump a bucket of water on her legs!

Bada-bing, bada-boom, girl grows a tail, and I've proved she's a mermaid.

There will be no bada-binging or bada-booming.

You need to bada-butt-out.

I have got it!

If I simply test Delphina's DNA, I will be able to determine whether or not she is part fish.

Brilliant! Then science will prove what we've known all along...

That I'm always right.

If DNA testing is what it takes to show you guys she's not a mermaid, then fine.

But wouldn't you need lab equipment for that?

Yeah, and what kind of lame-o brings a microscope on vacation?

Ravi "Lame-o" Ross.

Now all I need from Delphina is a skin sample, or better yet, a swab of her saliva.

I'm on it!

Nice try.

Only thing you're going to swab is the poop deck.

Delphina!

This is going to sound odd, but could I trouble you for a flake of your dead skin?

Delphina, would you like some water? Okay.

I better warn you in advance, I'm a little clumsy.

No!

(Chuckles)

Mmm.

Sorry, Delphina, I'm just really thirsty.

Delphina, I can't wait to take you on a shopping spree.

I know every designer shoe store on the Upper West Side.

She doesn't need shoes, because she's a...

Uh, more of a flip-flop kind of girl.

Uh, excuse me everyone!

I wrote a little poem.

Oh, Luke, not another love poem about me.

"Oh, Delphina, my Delphina."

Okay, now I'm irritated and hurt.

"Your skin is as white as hand soap.

"Your hair is blonde like a loofah.

"Your hands are soft like a washcloth.

"I love you, and this poem is proof-uh."

Let me guess, you wrote that in the bathroom?

How did you know?

What a moving poem.

Here is a napkin for your tears.

But I'm not crying.

Then blow your nose. I will take it when you are done.

What Delphina needs is a nice glass of water.

No!

Water is bad for amnesia.

I read it on the Internet.

Oh no, Delphina, you have something on your cheek.

No, the inside of your cheek.

Just for fun, retrieve it with this.

Just... Just...

Hey, whoa, whoa!

If anyone is gonna pick food out of her mouth, it's gonna be me.

Okay, I am gravely concerned about your idea of romance.

Can everyone just leave my mannequin... I mean, my friend, alone?

I will. Right after a quick swab!

Wait... No, Ravi!

Ravi!

(Chuckles nervously)

I know you don't remember, but that's how people say "goodbye."

(Mrs. Kipling snarling)

Mrs. Kipling!

You did all this for me?

(Music playing)

Oh, my Godzilla!

Okay, this can never happen.

I'm very flattered, but Ravi is a friend, and you are a lizard, and this is freaky.

Uh-oh.

Apparently, you will not be ignored.

(Whimpering)

Guys, we're changing course.

I told the captain to stop at the nearest port and help Delphina find her family.

If you want to find Delphina's family, you're gonna need scuba gear.

Zuri, I already told you, Delphina is just a very nice, very confused...

Mermaid!

She is a mermaid! I have proof!

I knew it!

What? Let me see that.

According to my analysis of Delphina's DNA, she is part fish!

I am going to win the Nobel Prize!

I hate to say I told you so...

Oh, who am I kidding? I love it!

I can't wait for our first kiss.

Imagine how long she can hold her breath!

She's gonna have to if she's anywhere near you.

You smell like low-tide burped.

This DNA evidence is incontrovertible proof that Delphina is really a mermaid!

Jessie: You know what? Fine.

Then maybe you should put your clipboard away and get your safety binder back out.

I do not follow.

Well, you better hope she's not a mermaid, because they're famous for singing their siren songs and causing boats to crash into rocks!

Oh, no! Delphina is going to k*ll us all!

Safety drill!

I'm a mermaid?

And I'm going to sink this ship?

To the lifeboats! Women and children first!

That's all of us.

(Screaming)

Boy down!

First aid procedures are on page 296 of my safety binder.

Just get some ice.

If I'm a mermaid, then you're all doomed!

And you've been so nice to me!

(Chuckles)

Some of you a little too nice.

Way to smother her, Zuri.

The point is, I don't want to hurt you guys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait!

No, don't go!

Goodbye, Zuri.

No, no, no! Delphina, get down! You're going to get hurt!

I won't get hurt. I'm a mermaid!

Wait, don't... (Water splashing)

Delphina: (Screaming) You know what? Not a mermaid!

That's what I've been saying!

Here! Go!

(Panting)

I think I lost her.

Wow, I've had some dates dig their claws in, but this is ridiculous.

(Gasps)

Nice lizard...

I know I'm a beefcake, but please don't eat me.

Ravi said in case of an emergency, to hit the "Mrs. Kipling" icon on his tablet and place on the floor.

(Tablet beeping)

Hello, Mrs. Kipling.

I figured you might miss me, so I created this hologram to keep you company.

Whenever you feel lonely, you can tap the screen and I will appear.

I will now regale you with the tales of my epic chess battles.

I was down to two pawns and a rook...

(Growls) So I looked at my opponent dead in the eyes...

It worked!

I guess there is an app for everything.

As soon as I hit that freezing cold water, my life flashed before my eyes.

Which was actually helpful, because my memory came back!

So, what do you remember?

Well, I work on a cruise ship called the S.S. Delphina.

I dress as a mermaid and sing for the kids when their parents hit the casino.

So your name isn't Delphina?

Nope. It's Kim.

Ah!

Kim Ross.

What were you doing in the middle of the ocean?

The last thing I remember is that I went jet skiing to get away from all those kids.

You have no idea how annoying they can be.

Wanna bet?

Anyway, I must have fallen off and hit my head.

But what about your white-bearded dad with the giant fork?

Isn't that Poseidon, king of the sea, with his trident?

No, it's my dad Cletus, farmer of potatoes, with his pitchfork.

I feel so stupid.

Zuri, you are not stupid.

Okay?

Do you think maybe you just miss Millie?

No.

It just seems like a world without mermaids isn't as much fun.

And if I don't have that, what do I have?

A private yacht and a really great nanny?

True.

Okay, just go ahead and say it.

You were right and I was wrong.

There's no such thing as mermaids.

Actually, there might be. What?

Yeah. I mean, it's like Ravi said, so much of the world is yet to be explored.

Who's to say what's out there?

So you don't think I'm just a crazy little kid?

Absolutely not.

I think you're an amazing young woman with a great imagination.

It's one of the things I love most about you.

And no matter how old you get, I hope you never lose that.

I won't.

I plan to be an eccentric old lady with 16 imaginary cats.

(Both laugh)

I'm really sorry to disappoint you, Zuri.

That's okay. We can still be friends, even if all you have is boring old legs.

And if you ever come to New York, we can still go shopping.

We all can.

And we can still get married.

I hope you don't mind, I registered us at Paintball Plus.

Every girl's dream.

I still do not understand.

My experiment was flawless!

Um, Ravi, did you ever think maybe Delphina's saliva came up positive for fish because that's what we were having for dinner at the time?

Ah, yes.

That would explain why she also tested positive for tartar sauce and a squeeze of lemon.

Whoa! Best vacation ever!

Hey, how about you put a little sunscreen on me, hot stuff?

(Sighs)

(Yelps) Ravi!

What are you doing?

You said, "Hey, how about you put a little sunscreen on me, hot stuff?"

Who else could you possibly be referring to?

Tell you what, you keep dreaming, and so will I.