01x09 - Not About Bob

Episode transcripts for the 2015 TV show "Significant Mother". Aired: August 2015 to October 2015.
"Significant Mother" is about a guy who starts sleeping with and then continues to date his best friend's, and roommate's, recently separated Mom.
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01x09 - Not About Bob

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on "Significant Mother"...

My mom told me she was selling our house.

I'm selling the house.

You're doing what?

And Jimmy told me he was moving in with my mom.

I'm moving in with your mom.

You're doing what?

But then she told me something I didn't expect.

We're not moving in together anymore.

As a matter of fact, we're not doing anything together anymore.

Jimmy broke up with me.


[guitar music]

♪ ♪


Jimmy, what happened with... Oh!

Why are you wearing my underwear?

I threw all mine in the river, along with my other clothes.

They all smelled like your mom.

Okay, what happened, bud?

I just told you... I threw all my clothes in the river.

Jimmy, I know that.

Then why'd you ask?

Look, buddy, I'm really torn up right now.

I haven't got the energy to answer questions you already know the answer to.

I meant...

What happened with my mom?


She broke up with me.

♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪

What are you talking about?

She said you broke up with her.


I'm not so sure. It's all kind of hazy.

One minute, I'm looking at condos with your mom.

The next, I'm lying here alone, wondering why you still label your underwear.

Because you steal them.

I've never stolen your underwear.

Said the guy wearing my underwear.

This is an extraordinary situation.

All mine were ruined.

By you!

I... Okay, Jimmy, just tell me the whole story from the very beginning.

Oh, okay, well, your mom came over to the house boat with baby pictures...

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Not the beginning!

The beginning of your breakup.

Right. I was wondering why you wanted me to go so far back.

Did you just lump in getting engaged with ending up homeless and dying?

Getting engaged, ending up homeless, and dying are all the same scary.

Then why did you say you wanted to move in with me?

I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was such a huge step.

It doesn't have to be a huge step.

It can be a step to a step.

Yeah, but where does the staircase end?

You know, buying a place leads to painting the walls, and before you know it, you've painted yourself into a periwinkle corner.

Jimmy, don't be crazy.

I would never paint the walls periwinkle.

We can paint the walls whatever color you like.

What color do you like?

I don't know.

Major life decisions are not my thing.

Jimmy, eventually, we're gonna have to... make some choices about our future together.

Why? Why do we have to do that?

Because if we can't make choices about our future, then how can we have one?

I don't know. Maybe we can't.

I broke up with her, didn't I?

Sounds like it, yeah.

Spoiled veg. [chuckles] I'm kidding.

They're fresh, Nathaniel. They're always fresh.

How's our Jimmothy doing?

Not good.

He's gone from not wanting to make decisions about his future to not wanting to make any decisions at all.

And I had to dress him this morning.

Why'd you put him in fancy dwarf clothes?

Those are my clothes.

Those are your clothes?

[laughs] That is mental.

Do you shop in the children's section?

No, I don't shop in the children's section... of every store.

Guys, I need your help.

Yeah, what's up, bud?

I can't decide which bathroom to use.

Well, before you pee in my pants, why don't you use the one down there... the men's room?

Good call.


Oh, wow, mate.

I hate seeing him like this.

I hope him and your mother didn't break up 'cause of what we did at the open house.

If they did, I'd just look in the mirror and think, "You twit.

"You selfish twit.

They were happy, and you ruined it."

And then I'd k*ll myself.

Actually, I think this is my fault.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Oh, but don't b*at yourself up.

And if there's anything I can do to help...

Can you hang out with him tonight?

He can't be at work, but I don't think he should be home alone either.

This morning he tried to throw himself in the river because he smelled like my mom.

[door opens]

Guys, help. I can't breathe.

Oh, unbutton your tiny shirt.


Oh, that's better.

Wait. I still have a stabbing pain and a gaping hole where my heart used to be.

You must feel terrible.

[guitar music]

♪ ♪

[softly] Hi.

Harrison, go home.

I have nothing left for you to ruin.

Oh, no, I'm not Harrison.

I'm Harriet.


Your gal pal and emotional support system, who's here for you in your time of need because... breakups are hard, girl.

Please stop talking like Whoopi Goldberg.

I'm sorry. I brought you some doughnut holes to fill the holes in your heart and some wine because... well, I've met you.

Let's put this somewhere else.

Why are you being so nice to me?

I don't know.

I spent so much time trying to break you and Jimmy up, I never thought about what I would do if you actually did break up.

So, until I figure something out, I'm just gonna go with nice.

Seriously, how are you?

Well, I just got dumped by a 26-year-old, so pretty terrible.



I don't know. I feel like I'm at a crossroads right now, and I don't really know which road to go down.

Why don't you just keep going down the road you were already on?

You said it yourself, moving out... it's not about Jimmy, it's about you.

I thought you didn't want me to sell the house?

I didn't, but then I took us down memory lane, and I realized that this house, it just has a lot of memories that we could both stand to leave behind... like that time when you were dating our son's best friend.

That's not funny, no.

Maybe you're right, but unless I get an offer on the house and you actually give me a divorce, I'm kind of stuck.

[guitar music]

♪ ♪

Hey, guys, what'd you do tonight?

Oh, we haven't done anything yet, mate.

Yeah, I thought we'd watch some movies, but Jimmy started to cry when I put on the TV Guide channel.

Too many choices.

Reminded me of your mom.

Okay, this has to stop, bud.

If you're not gonna fix things with her, you have to get over her.

I don't know how to do that, buddy.

Sometimes when I'm trying to get over someone, I put all their things into a small, hand-hewn casket and then bury it under a freshly planted yew tree.

This reminds me that the death of an old relationship can give birth to something "yew," symbolic for "new."

Then I get absolutely smashed and shag two birds with one bone.

He can't do that because...

Oh, that would be disrespectful to your mother.

Don't do that.

Sometimes it helps to talk about what a useless slag your ex was.

But she was not. She was a perfect lady.

She was a perfect lady.

This is tricky, mate.

I don't know what I'm supposed to say.

You know, after Becca broke up with me in college, I h*t the gym pretty hard.

I got in great shape.

I remember that.

You were like a tiny Jean-Claude Van Damme.

But I'm already in great shape.

What about finding that elusive ninth ab?

You always said it was the Atlantis of your core.

You want me to find Isla de Muerta?

Nate, you can only find that if you already know where it is.

Well, maybe you do.

Why don't you wake up early, go for a jog?

It might jog your memory.

That's a good idea.


Thanks, buddy.

Go get 'em, champ.

This would be a whole lot easier if your mother was just a useless slag.

Oh, that's great!


Um... can I call you back?

Okay, bye.

You're not supposed to make personal calls at work, but since this is more of a hobby for you, I will let it slide. Who was that?

It was my real-estate agent, Bob.

Apparently, I got an offer on my house.

And he wants to take me out tonight to celebrate.

You go, girl.

I mean, you should go... out with him.

You go out, girl.

Oh, I don't know. Bob's not really my type.

This is not about Bob.

It's about what Bob represents...

Age-appropriate, real job...

This is the kind of guy you should be dating.

Three days ago, you told me I should be dating Jimmy.

But then you got dumped, so now I say embrace the Bob.

Take a risk.

After all, life without risk is like risotto without rice.

Are you reading off another sign behind me?

No, I'm reading from a cutting board, but I like it, 'cause it's true.

Okay, fine.

I will go out with Bob tonight and celebrate the sale of my house.


You're doing what?

Honey, I made my decision, I'm selling the house. Shh.

Who cares about the house?

You can't go out with Bob.

This is not about Bob.

This is about what Bob represents.

Neither the idea of Bob, nor the actual Bob, can make you happy.

He's just like Dad, except with perfect hair and flawless abs.

I'm not sure why I said that last part.

Honey, this isn't about doing what makes me happy.

Really? 'Cause I've gone through some horrible things the past two months so you could do what makes you happy.

And if that's not what this is about, I saw your vag*na for nothing, Mom.

Honey, I've been doing what makes me happy, but what makes me happy doesn't want to do me anymore.

So it's time I do what normal divorcées my age do.

It's time I buy a condo and join a gym that combines Pilates with something ridiculous like tap dancing and pretend to reinvent myself.

But all this time, I thought you were reinventing yourself.

You love him. He loves you.

So just call him and fix this.

You're the adult in the situation.

Honey, I told Jimmy that I wanted a future with him and it's up to him to decide if he wants the same thing with me.

But this is too big of a decision for Jimmy to make on his own.

You have to decide for him.

I can't do that.

Yes, you can.

I've been deciding for him is whole life.

Oh, my God.

I've been deciding for him his whole life.

I'm the reason that Jimmy doesn't want to make decisions about his future.

You know, I don't even know if he wanted to be a bartender.

He just needed a job, so I told him, you should come work for me.

He didn't have a place to live, I told him, "Hey, you should come live with me."

You know, in kindergarten, he didn't have any friends, so I told him he should be friends with me.

Wow, you really "Being John Malkovich"-ed him.

Yeah, I think I have. I mean, who does that?

John Cusack.


Or someone who's afraid to live his own life.

Well, what is that supposed to mean?

It means that maybe you spend most of your time puppetting Jimmy because it's easier to live his life than your own.

I don't live Jimmy's life.

[chuckles] Really?

'Cause I'm pretty sure you just spent the morning telling the woman Jimmy loves how much he loves her.

When's the last time you told a woman you love the same thing?

Well, maybe you're right. Maybe Jimmy and I need to start living our own lives, but I just have to show him how great his future could be if he'd start making decisions for himself.

Or you could show him how terrible his future could be if he doesn't.

Fear is a much more effective motivator.

Good point, but how do I show him the future?

Too bad you don't have your dad's time machine.


What if I did?

You don't.

But what if I did?

You still don't.

But what if I... Will you just help me make one?

Oh, yeah, totally. Sounds fun.

[adventurous music]

♪ ♪

[imitating Doc Brown] Jimmy!

Jimmy, you've got to come back with me.

What? Where?

Back... to the future.

I don't understand what you're doing.

[normal voice] Back... Oh, back to the fut...

Just come with me.

I need to show you something.

Where are we going?

[imitating Doc Brown] To the future.

What happened to your car?

It's a time machine.

Is that my Mr. Coffee?

Just get in the car.

[tires screech]

Where'd you get those glasses?

The ophthalmo... Look, we don't have time for this.

I thought you had a time machine.

[doorbell rings]

Why did you ring the doorbell?

Because you asked me to.

I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday, and I don't want to be the reason why you're stuck.

I love you.


I'm setting you free.

Harrison, are those our divorce papers?

Signed, sealed, delivered.


I'm not yours... anymore.


Oh, Harrison, thank you.


Thank you.

Are you wearing Intense Satin Rose?

Yes, I am.

That's your sex perfume.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

You always wore that on our sex nights.

The rest of the nights, you would wear Mild Wood Sage.

How did you know that?

Because it's a husband's prerogative to know everything about his wife.

Oh, really? What's my middle name?

Don't go changing the subject.

You are all dressed up. You smell of sex.

Are you and Jimmy back together?

No, we're not back together.

Then where are you going, and who are you going with?

As your husband, I have a right to know!

You are not my husband anymore.

Oh, yes, I am! Yes, I am!

Give it to me!


I am.

I thought you wanted to set me free.

I did, when you had nowhere to go.

Give 'em back... give it to...


You know what? Come on...

No, sorry.

I don't have time for this. I'm late to meet Bob.

Oh, crap.

[gasps] Bob Babcock?


You're going to have sex with Bob's Babcock?

No. No, I'm just going on a date.

It's not about Bob. It's what Bob represents.

You know what? I don't need to explain this to you!

I am going on a representative date, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Yes, there is. I could actually follow you.

What is all this?

What is Atticus doing here?

That's not Atticus.

That's you in the future... minus the tinfoil, which I did not tell him to use.

I thought it was a nice touch.

Jimmy, I want you to watch, very carefully, because this is what happens to you if you never make any decisions about your future...

[voice fading] Future, future, future...

♪ Once upon your future ♪
♪ In a hovel you call home ♪
♪ You floundered, and you failed to launch ♪

♪ Go out on your own ♪

♪ You slept with lots of women, but you never could replace ♪
♪ The loving lovely Lydia ♪

♪ Who used to light your face ♪

♪ Space Jimmy is fat and out of sorts ♪

Future Jimmy.

♪ Space Jimmy don't get laid anymore ♪

It's supposed to be "Future Jimmy."

♪ Space Jimmy bartends at the Arrow Bar ♪

We rehearsed it as "Future Jimmy."

And then he dies.

As Jimmy, the choices I regret most are the ones I did not make.

Wait. I end up an airport bartender?

What happened to my job at Lincoln?

Lincoln closed in 2035.

Where are you?

I'm in Provence with Timmy.


I'm kidding.

But seriously, I moved on, bud.

I left Portland.

I opened up restaurants in other cities.

Look, I tried to keep in touch with you, but you never grew up, so eventually we grew apart.

What about Christmas?

I mean, we still spend Christmas together, right?

No, I spend my Christmases with my mom and Bob Babcock.

Bob Babcock?

And their annoying kid, Biff Babcock.

It's horrible. I miss my best friend.

I miss him dating my mom.

That's so sad.

It is, but it doesn't have to be.

Jimmy, your future's coming whether you like it or not.

You don't get to choose that, but you do get to choose whether or not you have a say in it.

And from now on, you're gonna have to choose, because I'm not gonna choose for you.

Why does it feel like you're breaking up with me?

Because I am.

I can't be the reason you let the love of your life slip through your fingers.

Well, how do you know your mom's the love of my life?

Because the only choice that I didn't make for you was her.

She was the best choice I ever made.

Because she's the only choi... Never mind.

The point is that you already chose your future the day you chose my mom.

You just didn't realize it yet.

And for what it's worth, mate, between the pickle barn and tonight, I've spent a lot of time inside you, and as Jimmy, we're ready for this.

What if your mom doesn't want me anymore?

Well, you never know unless you ask her.

And you should probably do that right now before she makes it to her date with Bob Babcock.

Wait. You were serious about Bob Babcock?

She's going on a date with Bob Babcock?

I got to go now! Wait, oh, wait.

If I'm gonna break up a date, I'm gonna need backup.

And my bike is at the park, so I'm also gonna need the time machine.

While we're doing alsos, you probably want to put on Atticus' clothes.

Can't win a lady back dressed like Richard Simmons.

You look nice in that.

♪ Yeah, I know we'll get in trouble, baby ♪
♪ But let's go ♪

Hey, can't this thing go any faster?

Come on, mate, you got to get her up to 88 miles an hour to complete the metaphor.

I'm trying.

[beeping, whirring]

Nate, is this really a time machine?

No, I'm really getting pulled over.

♪ Follow me into the night ♪

All right, nobody say anything stupid.

Don't be down. We're gonna get there.

License and registration, please.

Hey, I know you.

Officer Kegall.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Hey. What are...

You the only cop in Portland?


Hey, where are ya'll headed in such a hurry?

To the future.

Wait. You made a time machine... out of a Prius?

Listen, my mom... well, his ex-girlfriend...

Your mom is his ex-girlfriend?

Yeah, it's a long story we don't really have time for, but they broke up, and now she's on a date with another guy.

Well, why didn't you just say so?

I did just say so.

Let's do this! [laughs]


[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Stop it. You're embarrassing me.

Stop following me, Harrison.

Not until I give Bob Babcock a piece of my fist.

[siren wailing]

[sighs] Stop it.

What is that?

Is that Nate?

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Jimmy, what are you doing here?

No, no, you had your chance.

I'm making a choice.

You had your chance, pretty boy.

Dad... Dad, you can't...

You have to stop inserting yourself in Mom's life.

Oh, so you're taking Jimmy's side after all.

Look, I'm taking whatever side makes Mom happy.

Nate, I don't know what that is.

Yes, you do. You always did.

I messed up.

I thought if I never made choices about my future that I'd have nothing but possibilities.

But then I realized, if I didn't make any choices, I'd end up with nothing... but possibilities.

You did?


I want to take the next step. I want to paint the walls.

But not the walls of the condo because I want to contribute, and I don't really think I can afford that right now, so...

How do you feel about renting?

I feel good about renting, and I feel excited about us, but worried that... we're still in two different places and...

But we're not.

I'm just starting out, and you're just starting over.

I would really love it if we could do that together.

[Branches' "I Believe in a Thing Called Love"]

♪ Can't explain all the feelings ♪
♪ That you're making me feel ♪
♪ My heart's in overdrive ♪
♪ And you're behind the steering wheel ♪
♪ ♪

Man, that is some kiss.

Nothing compared to ours.

♪ Just listen to the rhythm of my heart ♪
♪ There's a chance we can make it now ♪
♪ We'll be rockin' till the sun goes down ♪
♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪

Well, this is it... the end of an era.

Hey, I'm really gonna miss you, buddy.

I'm gonna miss you too, but we'll see each other all the time.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got you guys a housewarming present.

It means the world to me, and so do you guys.

Get out of here. Go on.

You take real good care of my mom.

I will.

[guitar music]

♪ ♪

[giggles, sighs]

Wow. Still so weird.

Love you, honey.

Love you.


[door opens]

Jimmy, what'd you forget?

Ooh, it's not Jimmy.

Dad, what are you doing here?

I'm moving in, kiddo.

You told me to stop inserting myself into your mom's life, so I thought I'd pop into yours.


Don't think of me as your old man.

Think of me as your wingman.

You do realize that this entire place is one giant water bed.

So, if the boat is a rockin'... so are we.

I hope we don't wake your new neighbors.

Ya got any prosciutto?

No, no, no. No.
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