07x06 - The Beer Mile

[bunniefuu]

(men speaking Spanish, laughing)

(laughter continues)

Where do you think they go to the bathroom?

I don't know. I mean, they're out there all day.

And you see what they eat.

And no one lets 'em in the house.

It's curious.

Most curious.

Not that curious.

I mean, who cares?

I care. I care about where people go to the bathroom, especially cabbies.

They're driving around in their cab all day long.

Do they have a certain spot?

Do they have to talk to a guy? Do they have to buy something?

If it's a production, do they have to buy more stuff?

What if they have a fare?

It's a quandary.

I think you spend too much time thinking about where people sh*t.

I don't think you spend enough.

Curious.

Most curious.

Pete: Big news, guys. I'm going to train for a race.

The marathon.

The what?

The marathon.

Wait. The what?

The marathon.

You're training for the...

Kevin!

Oh, sh*t!

Not the marathon. I'm running the beer mile.

Kevin: The what?

The beer mile.

The what? I...

Kevin, please stop.

No, I don't want to do it again.

I just don't know what it is.

Oh.

The beer mile is a mile race, and every quarter of a mile, you have to stop and chug a beer.

Real runner's high.

Yeah.

And my training starts today.

Hi, guys!

Both: Bam!

Both: Bam!

Uh, zoom!

Ooh!

Oh.

Wow!

What is...?

Showy show?

Wow.

What are we doing here?

What are you wearing, Andre?

Oh.

These are sports kilts. All the cool kids are wearing them.

Yes, all the cool kids and you, Andre.

Andre: Ooh, Jenny, I like what you're doing.

You're trying to get in my head, 'cause we have a big game coming up, but you can't.

Yeah, you're going down like there's a sh*t of Jager on Kevin's crank.

Whoa! Whoa!

Ruxin: Meegan's better at sh*t-talking than you are, Andre.

I don't mind it.

It's great, 'cause when you face me from now on, you have to face us-- not one head...

Both: But two heads.

Great. Bring it.

We're looking at you.

Meegan: Oh, we see it.

Eeh, eeh...

I see somebody...

...who is a...

...who sucks balls.

I don't know what to do with that.

I don't, either.

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

Just be, guys... Be right back.

So you're fine with her wearing the pants in the family?

I think it's amazing that no one wears pants in that family. - True.

From the beer mile to the highlander, Meegan really knows how to pick 'em.

I just wanted to talk to you away from, um, all the guys.

Yeah, sure.

Um... so, uh...

I just wanted to... talk...

Um...

Trade.

Trade?

You have running backs.

We have wide receivers.

Let's dance.

I'm sorry. This is just...

What?

I'm having a hard time processing the fact that...

What?

...we're talking about fantasy football, and it's not you yelling at me for not wanting to do...

I mean, it's just strange.

Bad strange, or good strange?

Good strange.

I just, uh... I mean, it's-it's odd with... with him watching.

Oh, hi. Don't mind me.

I like to watch.

He loves to watch.

I don't love being watched.

Can we get back to business?

Ooh, yeah, let's talk trade.

What do you got?

Oh, Jesus! Close your legs, Andre.

Oh, fine.

I'm-I'm sorry.

This is...

Oh, I mean...

No. No.

He's just not ready.

(both sigh heavily)

(panting)

Hey, Pete.

Taco. What are you doing?

Ow!

Chase me!

assh*le!

(horn honking)

Whoa!

sh*t! Oh!

(horn honking)

Whoa!

(horns beeping)

Taco: Come on, you p*ssy!

Hey!

Jesus.

Come on, Pete!

Jesus! Jesus! Aah!

(laughing)

Jesus Christ!

Let's go, Pete!

Aah!

(panting)

I admire your guts.

Let me train you for the beer mile.

Why would I let you do that?

You almost k*lled me.

'Cause I was beer mile regional champion 2008.

I never heard about this.

It's difficult for me to talk about, Pete.

I won that thing fair and square, but then I was disqualified.

What happened?

Take a look.

Taco: I'm the best drunk runner in the world!

(Taco whoops, applause)

(sighs)

Time for a mental warm-down.

(crowd groaning, Taco exhales)

What? What are you doing?!

It's just dr*gs!

Get off of me.

Apparently, you're not allowed to take mind-enhancing dr*gs before, during or immediately after the race.

Sticklers!

But I know how to run it, Pete, and g*dd*mn it, I know how to win it.

All right, Taco.

All right, I'm in.

Training starts now.

Back into traffic.

Taco! Jesus!

(both yelling, horn honking)

Meegan: So, how are you feeling about the games this weekend?

Jenny: Are you kidding me?

I feel great.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Are you sure?

Oh, yeah, the Lady MacArthurs are feeling fine!

I just feel like the flex is where the double entendres are going to shine.

Oh, yeah.

I just love the matchup Mike Evans has against the Panthers.

Interesting.

'Cause, you know, Andre has Brandin Cooks in his lineup this week.

(laughing): No, he's not.

He's playing my guy.

He said something about how he was really excited about all the targets Cooks was gonna have.

This isn't a PPR.

I know.

And Brees's shoulder is questionable.

I know, right?

Hey, girlfriend, #RealTalk.

Do you know Andre says that all the time?

I know.

That's where I got it.

Isn't it so cute?

Mm.

Okay, sister... spill.

You used to run Kevin's team.

What?! No.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

So, how did you do that?

The secret is you have to be in charge without ever appearing to be in charge.

Oh, like when I convince Andre to role-play in the bedroom.

You would think that Andre would love it.

You would think that.

'Cause he loves costumes, right?

Yeah.

But not in the bedroom.

I had to really break him out of his shell.

And now I have a little minx in there.

You know what the most important thing is?

Okay, what?

At the end of the day, you get final cut.

Final cut.

Trust me.

Listen, thank you.

That was really nice of you to share that with me.

You're welcome. I have to go.

Okay, bye.

Bye. Oh!

Mwaw! Mwaw!

You're so cute, I want to wear your skin!

(laughs)

#LosingSucks. Bye!

Hey, thank you!

(sighs)

Oh, come on, Chalupa!

Pick up your stuff.

Oh, God!

Oh!

Oh, come on!

Yuck! Ew!

Curious. Most curious.

Could have been an animal, but I really think it might have been the gardener.

Maybe it fell out of your hot tub.

No. No, it did not fall out of my hot tub, Ruxin.

It was definitely human.

How could you tell it was human?

Less talk, more drink.

All right.

Please. I know my own kind, all right?

It was definitely human.

So you've got, like, gaydar, but for poop?

Yeah, it's like poo-dar.

It's like a sixth sense.

Or like ESP and poo.

Taco: And... stop.

Mmm.

All right, interval training done.

Take a breather. I'm gonna get more beer.

Oh, okay.

All right, Mr. Ref, do me a favor and settle it for me.

Tell me if it's human poop or not.

You want me to come to your house and inspect a turd? - No.

I got it in my car. Just look at it.

No!

I will not.

Peruse it and tell me what you think.

Look, people are disgusting.

They take shits in weird places, like the side of the road or the Pacific Ocean.

Exactly. Those who live in glass houses should not squeeze out stones, Seabiscuit.

I love this.

Everyone is out speeding, and I'm the only one that gets a ticket.

I mean, people go in weird places.

That's that.

I'll admit it, I pee in the shower.

Yeah, I mean, you got to go, you just go.

Yeah, I go in the shower.

The only bad part is mashing it down the drain afterwards.

What?

Wait, you sh*t in the shower?

Dude, we were talking about peeing.

Yeah, yeah, me, too.

Taco, do you sh*t in the shower?

I'm saving water-- no flushing.

Oh, my God.

Ugh.

What do you do-- you just mash it down with your foot?

No, I'm not an animal.

I have a shower spatula.

Jesus Christ. My gardener shits in my bushes and my brother shits in his shower. I mean, this is the end of days.

No, not my shower.

Your shower.

What?

Oh, you know what?

It's fine, it just means that he uses your spatula.

Taco, we made pancakes this morning.

Oh, don't be such a baby. I rinse it off briefly afterwards.

Pete: Yeah. What?

Enough warm-up.

Go get changed, we're gonna do a 5K, six-pack run.

Let's go!

Let's go!

Uh, pancakes for breakfast?

Chocolate chip?

So how you feeling?

Pretty good.

You shouldn't be!

You should be wasted right now.

You have the blood alcohol level of a pregnant woman. Come on!

Four. Yeah, that's right, feel the burn.

All right, good. We got to strengthen that gut.

Let's do it again.

Come on, you been nursing the same beer for the last half mile.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Okay, okay.

See, i-it's quaffable.

Stop saying "quaffable."

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Hurry up.

Chug, two, three, four.

Chug, two, three, four.

Personal best.

Keep it going, keep it going!

No, you see, just smell it.

Here we go.

Come on, pump those knees.

We got seven more cases to get through.

I think you're right, Big B.

I-I'm letting this anger eat me up inside, and I got to just be happy for him.

To Meegan and Andre-- let 'em be happy.

Yeah, to Meevan and Andre.

Mm. Um, what's this have to do with the training?

Oh, right, the training.

Let's get back to it.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!

O... Okay.

35.

The next one.

Yeah, that's a big boy.

Double-team that sh*t.

Right, down.

Left, down.

Drink.

All right, now everyone switch beers.

All right, Pete, you're almost there.

Let's do this!

(grunting)

(whoops) Personal best.

All right, you deserve a beer.

No, no, no, no, no, suck it back in, suck it back in.

You're gonna get disqualified.

Oh, come on.

I feel better.

Back to the beginning.

Let's go.

No!

Andre: Lover, do you like the collared shirt with the crushed velvet vest or the Nehru collar with the scarf?

Why are you asking me?

Because I value your opinion, my love.

Do you?

Yes.

Because I noticed that you're not playing my lineup.

Okay, is this about the flex?

'Cause it's not a big deal. Come on.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Why won't you play Mike Evans?

I believe that Brandin Cooks is gonna score more points, that's all.

It's not a big deal.

Oh. Well, I believe Brandin Cooks is the Nehru collar and pleather pants of our team.

Wait.

Is that good or bad?

That's my point.

You trust me with everything.

Why won't you trust me with our team?

I want to share final cut.

I can't share final cut.

Well, then I want final cut.

No, you can't have final cut.

That's...

I want final cut.

You're not gonna get it.

I'm sorry, but no.

It's my-it's my choice.

Oh, okay.

And that's final.

Well, then, you can just-- you know what?

Wear whatever you want.

That's final, there you go.

It's gonna be awesome.

That's... great.

You should do that.

Well, great, thank you.

Thank you very much.

You're gonna look fantastic.

(sighs)

What are we doing?

Honey.

I love you.

Okay?

And I love us.

So come here.

Come here.

Come here, come here, come here. Look.

Let's make a promise.

Fantasy football can never come between us.

Okay?

Promise?

Mm.

Mm.

Both: Mmm!

Kevin: Hmm.

Curious, curious.

Hey, Ernesto.

Sí, Señor-Señor Kevin.

How are you?

Uh, muy bien. Hola.

Quick question for you.

Have you noticed any animals around here?

Family of chipmunks.

No.

No, that's... that wouldn't do it.

No, señor.

No.

Man, you guys love those burritos, huh?

Oh, sí.

Ah, the carne asada.

Riquisimo.

I don't even know where you guys put it all.

Everybody's got to go sometime, though, you know?

Oh, yes, very much.

Yeah. It's strange, because it's not like, you know... you can use the house.

I can use the house?

What?

(laughs) Gracias, Señor Kevin. Muchas gracias.

(speaking Spanish)

(laughs)

Muchas gracias, Señor Kevin.

De nada.

No bueno.

Now we know the answer to the ago-old question: where does the gardener sh*t?

He shits in Kevin's house.

Okay, Edward 40-Hands.

Nuts?

No, thank you.

I'm not gonna make it.

It's the first day of training.

You'll be fine.

Then the guy stopped by at 9:00 at night.

9:00 to take a crap? I mean, I think he was on a date, too.

Mm. Less talk, more drink, boys.

Come on, the race is this weekend.

Oh, yeah, by the way, the race goes right by your house, Kevin, so Jenny'll come up for some moral support.

All right, we got orange slices in a mile.

Yes!

Thank God. Inside a Hefeweizen.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Short cut, short cut.

All right.

Ruxin: Watching college football just doesn't do it for me anymore.

It's like you're jerking off to a p*rn magazine.

It feels like it should work, but...

Just doesn't get the job done.

Exactly.

Yeah.

I feel the same way.

(knocking)

Knock, knock.

Oh.

Hey, Ernesto. I didn't know you were doing the lawn today.

Oh, no, no, today is Saturday.

I do your neighbors-- the Pinkertons?

Oh.

Uh, Ernesto, really bad news.

Our bathroom... is broken.

Ooh.

That's okay, I use the upstairs again, okay?

Oh. Hola.

Hola.

Good magazine.

Oh...

Jenny: Again?

What?

Kevin, you must not give me the name of your gardener.

You got to go talk to him.

What am I gonna say to him?

Hello!

Hello!

Well, if it's not our favorite couple.

Well. Hey, listen...

(German accent): you can't break us.

(German accent): Ever. We are strong.

Just like team.

Great. Come on in, guys. Have a seat.

Yeah. Good. Yeah, get comfy.

It's a little messy. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Here. Come on in. Can I, uh, offer you guys something to drink?

We don't have any wine open, I don't think, but we can open one of the bottles you guys - No. brought over.

Um, whatever you want. Pick.

So I can pick the wine!

Okay. I can't pick the flex, but I can pick the wine.

I wasn't saying that, I wasn't saying that, I wasn't saying that.

Yeah.

Who are you gonna play in your flex?

Uh, well, we're talking about it.

Right? Aren't we talking about it? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna have a beer.

We'll... Thank you for asking.

Right that way?

Right around the corner.

Same place it was when you were with Pete.

Oh, Ruxin, you're a dreamboat!

Ugh. How-how did you guys run a team together?

Kevin: Oh, it's simple.

Yeah. I charmed, begged, and then I railroaded him.

No problem with the bathroom upstairs. Gracias, Señor Kevin.

I will see you Monday.

Okay.

Um, Ernesto, I'll walk you out.

Just want to... chat with you for a sec.

Dígame, Señor Kevin.

Um, Ernesto, I just, um...

You're doing a great job.

Just one small issue. I would rather if you didn't use... the bathroom in the house anymore, okay?

Oh.

Oh, okay.

And I'd also prefer that you don't go in the yard either.

Excuse me?

You think that I take a sh*t outside like an animal?

No! No, no. No! I'm just...

I mean, I see what you consume for lunch, and, you know, you've been using the bathroom, like, five times a day, and two of those times seemed really complicated...

I do not poop in the lawn!

Our rhododendrons did grow four feet in a year.

Señor Kevin, I thought we were family.

Luis, Carmen, and Maria, they call you Uncle Kevin!

I've never met Maria.

You invite me to your house to use your toilet!

That was a mistake. That...

I should not have done that.

You know what, I'm not gonna work for somebody that treats me like sh*t.

I quit!

No. Ernesto, don't quit!

You're taking this the wrong way!

Ernesto, please, wait, wait.

Where do you go? Do you hold it?

Ernesto, do you hold it?!

Ernesto!

(sighs) Those rhododendrons are gonna go to sh*t.

(coughing) Pete.

What's up, Taco?

Today you become a man, and I want you to have something.

This was mine.

And before it was mine, it was someone else's who left it in the garbage.

And now it's yours.

I'll always cherish it, Taco.

Thank you.

You're ready for this.

You got a good buzz going, and you're carbo-loaded.

And we're sure the pasta I ate was gluten-free?

Yeah. I didn't add any gluten to it.

This could be the race of our lives, Pete.

(coughing)

You're just smoking like a Serbian water polo coach.

(coughing)

Mmm.

Yep. That'll help it.

Ah.

Whew. I wish I had what you had.

A valid driver's license?

Man (over speaker): Runners, please report to the starting line.

The race will begin in five minutes.

It is time. Here, It's our time. takes the edge off.

No, I'll save room for the beer.

I'm good.

All right. Let's do this.

Man (over speaker): On your marks, get set...

(g*nsh*t)

(cheering)

Taco: Come on, Pete! Chug!

Chug! Chug! All right, let's do this, Pete!

Taco? Are you running?

Think I'd let you do this alone?

Let's go, let's go!

Jack and Coke?

Rum and Coke.

Good call on the bar cart.

Thanks.

It seemed like the neighborly thing to do.

What's up, jerks?

Wow.

Another one.

Take a look.

All in.

Andre, you are kiltin' it.

You look like Lameheart.

You're looking at a winner, who is k*lling you today because Brandin Cooks is cookin' up the field today.

He is k*lling it today.

That's why it must hurt so bad Ooh. So good. that he's on your bench.

Ooh.

He's not on my bench. He's in my lineup. I set my lineup. - Nope.

Mike Evans is in your lineup, and he is not doing very well, my friend. In fact, I think you're gonna lose.

Hi.

Hey.

Um... did you touch my lineup?

What?

Maybe...

No, no, no. No "maybe." Did you put Mike Evans in the lineup?

Yeah.

You said I have final cut.

I never said that.

Yes, you said in the closet that I get final cut.

I said that we shouldn't fight about fantasy football. You ca...

And if I don't have final cut, we're gonna fight about fantasy football. - You ca...

So I get final cut.

No.

Not on my team.

If you can't trust me with the flex, how can you trust me with anything?

How can you trust me with your car?

I don't trust you with my car!

'Cause you dented my car!

First of all, ding.

A dent!

A ding!

A dent!

A ding!

A dent!

A valet dinged your car.

Oh! The valet.

You parked in a compact spot!

I always tell you If you point at me, not to park in a compact, but...I mean, come on.

I'm gonna punch you in your kilt.

Halfway there! Come on!

Get that cigarette out of my face, Taco.

(coughing)

(groans)

(burps)

All right, inhale this.

Oh, God. Get out.

I'm not sure about that carbo-load.

Might have been the tomato sauce.

Pretty sure that was a clam sauce.

(stomach rumbling)

Oh. Oh!

Got to get to Kevin's! Got to get to Kevin's!

Wait, no, no, no.

(panting) It's this way!

Where are you going? No, no, no, no, no!

What are you doing?! (moans, burps)

Yobogoya!

Andre: Here's some fearless feedback...Oh, you're gonna give me Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. some fearless feedback?

It's "nitch," not "neesh."

It's "neesh." "Dinner theater Oh, really? is my 'neesh.'"

No.

"Dinner theatre is my 'nitch.'"

"Neesh."

"Nitch."

Neesh. Neesh. Neesh.

Nitch. Nitch.

Nitch.

You're being a nitch right now.

And you're being a niotch.

Meegan: Oh, really?

I hate your skorts.

I hate your jeggings.

You don't want me playing with your team, messing with your team.

You don't even want me on your team.

The only fantasy here is that you and I were right for each other.

Maybe we're just too different.

Maybe we are just two completely different people.

Different people.

So on that, namaste. I'm going to go.

It's been superlative.

It was a pleasure having a relationship with you.

Ruxin: They were perfect together, and the flex tore them apart.

The flex can do that.

Hey, Andre.

How you doing, buddy?

I lost my love and my matchup.

I'm really sorry about the first one.

She can be a cruel, cruel mistress.

Meegan?

No, fantasy football.

Where's Pete?

I got to get to Kevin's!

I'm gonna make it!

What are you doing?!

We're off-course!

No, there's a new course!

New course! (coughing)

(moaning)

(grunting)

Kevin! It's an emergency!

Open up!

Come on! Hey, hey!

Hey, Kevin! Kevin!

Where are you?!

(stomach rumbling)

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

(moaning)

Oh! Ooh, ooh.

No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no.

No. Oh...

Yobogoya. Oh, sweet Yobogoya.

Welcome to Poo Corner.

I love it here. Whew.

Oh, Kevin.

¿Qué es esto?

El cabrón.

I'm so sorry. Definitely will be blaming this one on the dog.

(shouting)

(grunts)

You are the shitter!

I'm gonna tell Señor Kevin!

Because of you, I lost my job!

(grunting)

It's not what you think!

It's not what you think!

No, no, no.

What are you doing?

sh1tting yourself is an a*t*matic DQ.

Rolling around in it is just k*lling your time.

No respect for the sport.