01x04 - Quest for Aquatica

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Moonbeam City". Aired: September 2015 to December 2015.
"Moonbeam City" follows the exploits of an idiotic detective, of "Moonbeam City PD", who commits more crimes than the criminals he tries to lock up.
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01x04 - Quest for Aquatica

Post by bunniefuu »

Dazzle: Every 11 seconds in Moonbeam City, 10,000 people get sh*t.



Dazzle: 8,000 people get stabbed.


Dazzle: 2,000 people get stabbed then fall into a bucket of knives and g*n, which s*ab and sh**t them.

[pained screaming]

Dazzle: 300 people get sh*t... with novocaine.

So it's less painful when their teeth get stabbed.


Dazzle: 80 people get stabbed by a Kn*fe sh*t from a g*n.


Some call this getting "shabbed."

Of course these facts are incomplete, because every second 90 statisticians get sh*t. [groans]

My statistics.

In conclusion, that's my report about m*rder.


Next order of business, my birthday!

[upbeat music]



[pounding techno music]

1x04 - "Quest for Aquatica"

[disco music]

[all cheering]

Who wants a sh*t, sh*t?

sh**t it.



Chrysalis, open wide.

Ugh, no thanks.

And this must be the birthday boy.

Chrysalis, you chose a terrible stripper.

Actually, Dazzle, this is my dad.

Commander Blade H. Tate, 26th Quasar Battalion, order of the Neon Opal, SseaQuest DSV.

He's a little out of it. Been through some traumatic stuff.

Just be cool.

Got it.

So I hear you've seen some gnarly [bass note].


Yes, I have spent more time inside of explosions than out of them.

My body is 90% torpedo shrapnel.

Wow. That is gnarly.

It's better than being stuck in this office like you two.

Trapped like rats in some kind of cage-shaped box.

Hang on, Chrysalis is a dullard, I'll give you that, but I lead a very exciting life.

That's cute.

In my book, a man ain't alive until he's standing out on the deck, dripping wet with salt water and pirate blood, surrendering to the warm embrace of the sea.

Ooh, ooh. Eh?

Okay, good speech, Dad.

Hey, I'm gonna need some time off this week to take care of him.

What do you mean "take care of"? I'm a grown man.

Of course. Enjoy Moonbeam City as a family.

Hey, I've got a bottle of 400-proof Crystal Minotaur in my office. Who wants in?

400-proof, what is this, Mother's Day?


Hello, Pizzaz. Party's down the hall.

Oh, wait, no witches allowed.

I wouldn't go to your party if you paid me.

Now let's go, it's time for your CPR training.

CP-what training?

CPR training.

What-PR whatting?

Mandatory CPR training!

Come on, it'll only take 15 minutes.

But it's my birthday.

And it'll still be your birthday in 15 minutes.


You are on my time, my dime, and you will fall in line!

And breathe life into your d*ad bodies?

Sorry, Dr. Frankenstein, I don't believe in the black arts.

Folks, CPR is serious business.

But that doesn't preclude us from a little funny business.

Okay, now who can tell me, what did the pirate say to the choking pirate?

All right, I'll help you out with this one.

He said, "Do you need any CP-ARRR?"


That's so funny I remembered to laugh.

Hey, my first heckler.

Ooh, comedy rite of passage. Good for me.

Now can anyone tell me, what robot in the CPR Wars franchise...

Tate: ...the warm embrace of the sea.

The sea. The sea.

Chrysalis: Dad, stay off the intercom.

Tate: I will do as I please.

This is inhumane!

Excuse me?

You've got us cooped up in here like animals.

We should be out there swimming free, like animals.

I've had enough of your demeaning class and your disgusting sex dolls.

I'm sea-bound.

Folks, do not listen to that man! These are not sex dolls.

Frankly, their mouths aren't big enough... Not that I've tried.

Of course, you all understand I wouldn't try anything on a...

You gotta believe me, but there's nothing to believe.

I... uh, CPR...

Hey, you know what, I'm gonna stop talking.

There must be some sea crime I can investigate for a while.

Mernapping, wavicide, carrying a concealed harpoon, anything.

[sirens blare]


[tires screech]

Out of the way.

Clear the area, sir. Police!

Yes, cabana boy, I'll have another winter smoothie with extra "Dazzle sucks" juice.

Rad Cunningham.

The unwanted third testicle on the d*ck of life.

What brings you to the bay? Disposing of all your pooped-in pants?

Just cleaning up the mess you've made.

Well, I'm afraid this case is closed.

Female, mid 30s, drowned. su1c1de.

What makes you so sure? Did you check for shab wounds?

Bam! su1c1de note. Read it and weep.

I solved the case in ten minutes, and I've been working on my tan ever since. When I got here, I was pale white.

Now I'm a healthy ivory.

Tough break, pal.

Hey, if we leave now we'll make the 6:15 CPR class.

Never! Rad, I'm pulling you off this investigation and putting you on the "injest-igation," of my b*lls in your mouth. [groans]

Hey, my jumpsuit! This is real Italian pleather!

Buzz off, rookie. I hereby declare this case back open.

Oh, how you gonna prove me wrong? There were not witnesses.

Correction. No human witnesses.

[seagulls cawing]


And this is where I work.

Your mother would be so proud... of me if I scolded you for your filthy workspace.

Chrysalis, are you busy?


Great. We've got work to do.

[techno music]

Dazzle: We're not in Kansas anymore.

This ain't your daddy's Kansas... anymore.

Kansas, we have a problem.

Can you stop?

Hmm, of course I can... sas.

Damn it!

You ready?

Dazzle: Born ready.

Hold on to your flukes.

There's a new dolphin in town.

This is historic.

The world's first interspecies interrogation.

So you're gonna interrogate a dolphin.

What, are you gonna use a seashell as a lie detector?

Don't be stupid. You use a jellyfish as a lie detector.

Chrysalis: Oh, of course.

Here we go. Watch how I blend in.

[clears throat]

Good morning, all.

My name isn't Dazzle, it's Dorsal.

And I am a dolphin, like you.

[dolphins clicking and squeaking]

They're buying it.

So you guys wanna frolic?

There's gotta be a coral reef castle around here somewhere.

[dolphins clicking]

Chrysalis: I don't think they understand you.

Shh, shh, shh.

You don't know how to communicate with them. [dolphin trills]

Whoa! Wait up.

[dolphin clicking]

Dazzle, I'm losing you.

Dazzle: I have to catch up.

She may be the one I saw in the bay.

Chrysalis: Dazzle, come in. Come in, Dazzle. Dazzle?

Dazzle: She's beautiful.

Ma'am, I'm going to have to hold you for questioning.

[techno music]

So what does a magnificent creature like you call yourself? No, wait, let me guess.

Is it Splasha?

[dolphin squeaks]

Wow, Splasha. Got it on the first try.

This must be your family, Delphon the Wise, your father and ruler of the kingdom of Aquatica.

Oh, it's your overprotective brother, Finzo.

When will you let Splasha live her own life?!

Sure, she'll make mistakes, but what's what growing up is all about!

You are so calm in the face of turmoil, Splasha.

My boss could learn from you.

She can be such a C-word. You know, a real crank.

Not like you. You're different.

You're special.

Hey, wait up!

Oh, God, stop it! Oh, you!

Couple of fine specimens over yonder. Keep an eye on 'em.

Yes, Mr. Howligan.


Dazzle: I love it down there!

I thought my birthday was ruined.

Now I've been reborn, as a plucky young dolphin named Dorsal Finskipper.

Okay, but what about the drowning.

Oh, I solved that. It was su1c1de. Tell Rad he was right.

Dazzle, if we're not going to investigate anything, I need to look after my dad.

Bring him along next time!

There's plenty of room in the submopod.

Can't you use someone else, just this once?

I don't trust anyone else.

I'd clone myself and be my own partner, but the clone and I would have too much sex with each other to get any work done.

That's why I need you.


That's actually kind of sweet, Dazzle.

It's straight from the heart.

Oh, by the way, can you hose down my suit?

I swam through some whale [bleep].


I do a lot of CPR-based humor.



I ask you to do one thing for me, and you run away screaming like a little girl.

You are going to finish this class sitting at your desk under my supervision.

I'll take a rain check.

Rain checkmate.

Rad, where are your clothes?

Dazzle ruined my jumpsuit!

Why are you all such children?

15 minutes, sign the form, and then we can all leave.

Just to butt in, I could probably get it down to ten.

both: Stay out of this!

Heed my words, Dazzle.

Pass the class or your ass is grass.

Sorry, Pizzaz, I've got more important things to do than saving lives.


Dazzle: So long, dicks!
I will get that signature.

Well, what CP-R ya gonna do?

Tate: Ah, the old submopod.

You know, your mother and I conceived you in a vessel like this.

Dad, that... that's inappropriate.

No, no, no, no, it's fascinating. How did you find the space?

Well, she kinda shimmied up the side.

Can I... Can I... Can I show you?

Sure. Am I you or your wife?


No, I'm me.

And then if you just scoot up and spread eagle.


Like this?

Not quite. She had her leg up on that panel.

And she...

No, don't.

Let me just adjust your hips.

Stop it!

Not now, Chrysalis. Daddy's busy.

FYI, I'm very comfortable with my body.

So just really inv*de my personal space.

[hoarse murmur]

Dad, stop!

[rattle, all screaming]

Oh, my God!

[overlapping yelling]


Look, Dazzle. It's Splasha, your girlfriend.

Thank God.

Splasha, I've missed you so much.

I know!

Every second we're apart is like a million eternities.

No, you try and keep up. [laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪ I see your fin begging my to play ♪
♪ As silver angels chart the course ♪
♪ With their echolocation ♪
♪ I wipe a tear as the blow holes spray ♪
♪ Wise old Mr. Octopus ♪
♪ Applauds in celebration ♪
♪ Never thought that I would know my destiny ♪
♪ Till the day I saw a thousand eels ♪
♪ And called it harmony ♪
♪ I kissed a reef in Aquatica ♪
♪ Never going back to all those stupid dicks on land ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ I kissed a reef in Aquatica ♪
♪ I kissed a reef ♪
♪ I touched a cod in Aquatica ♪
♪ I touched a cod ♪
♪ I met a squid in Aquatica... ♪

This has been an unbelievable day, Splasha.

Splasha? Splasha!

Damn, we only got one.

Let me out of here.

Hmm, he walk like a dolphin.

But he don't talk like a dolphin.

So you see, I'm just a simple dolphin enthusiast.

That's why I collect 'em. Hmm.

What, and then sell them to that crooked sea park in Moon Diego?

No! What cruelty!

I run the city's premier dolphin racetrack.

You see, your little Splasha's genetically built for racing.

Like a smooth, blubbery b*llet what's alive.

Mayhaps you could slow her down, into a net.

I'd make it worth your while.

I'm afraid I'm not ruled by greed. Sorry, Howligan, no dice.

Oh, there's dice all right.

The biggest dice you ever seen, with your name on 'em. [g*n cocks]

My name is on big dice?


My full name?

The... uh, this... your name's on the dice.

But there's still dots on the dice.

It has nothing to do with dice! It's a figure of speech.

I don't understand how that's a thr*at.

Because! Just... you...

I'm threatening you.

If you're gonna thr*aten me, you need to be much more articulate.

Okay, let me... let me spell it out for you.

The big dice are rolling over you and crushing your bones and what-have-you.

Now that's a thr*at.


Dazzle: Don't worry, Splasha.

Howligan and his dice can't get you while I'm around.

[Splasha trills]

Splasha, what a devilish idea. Do we dare?

Oh, no, I don't like where this is going.

Shh, don't spoil it for me.

Chrysalis, deploy the dolphin penis.

What? The suit doesn't have a dolphin penis.

I took it to a dolphin penis specialist.

He added one. Now deploy!

Ew, no! I'm not gonna do that!

Chrysalis, grow up already, and activate your friend's dolphin's penis.

Um, hello? Can I help you?

Listen, we're just trying to get some privacy, if you could just swim somewhere else.

Stay back. I don't trust this orca.

Look, that's enough! You're scaring my girlfriend.

Go away.



You guessed it, Brine-stein.

Drop the net.


[Splasha wailing]

That bastard Howligan got to you, didn't he?

He seduced me with the ultimate bribe: dolphin race tickets for life.

There's lots of blackout dates and I can't go on weekends, parking sucks, but still, solid bribe.

Damn it, Rad, let her out, you black fish!

Oh, I'd love to cheer you up, but this orca's gotta fly.


[Splasha wails]

Splasha, no!

[techno music]


♪ Just tilt the chin, give two quick breaths ♪
♪ Then it's 15 pumps on your homeboy's chest ♪

♪ One, two, three, four, five ♪
♪ Six, seven, eight, nine, ten ♪

♪ 11, 12... ♪



Mr. Novak, I hate to say, but you're a lost cause.

If you ever tried CPR, you'd probably k*ll someone.

Jeez, now don't tell Pizzaz, but would you just sign this form and get outta here?

[dolphin squeaks]

Oh, my shirt.

I'm coming, Splasha! [thud]

Genesis: It's a beautiful day for a race of creatures to be forced to race.

I'm Genesis Jones, live at Periscope Downs.

Here the dolph-men will be separated from the dolph-boys.

The losers will be eaten, while the winner will be awarded $1,000, then eaten.

Okay, I've got a plan. Chrysalis, take your top off.

Commander, go start a f*re.

I'll start slicing necks.

I love this plan.

Wait! We have to be careful.

Howligan's got sn*pers in the owner's box.

Plus Orca Rad's guarding the stables.

And if I hear any sass, I will contact a shark and ask him to eat you.


Chomp-chomp? [laughs]

Oh, God. Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Guys, we might be out of options.

Not so fast.

You civilians don't know that every naval commander with ten tours of duty gets one of these little beauties.

It's not a medal.

It's a tiny piece of the Bermuda Triangle.

When placed in water, it will open up a small but powerful portal.

Commander Tate, you're a human miracle.

[smooches] Godspeed.

Huh, must be expired.

Okay, good try, Dad. Follow me.

Okay, if we aim this thing right, it'll crash right into that fuelling station.

This whole place will blow to kingdom come.

Howligan's gonna hobble out here carrying his own limbs.

Hey, now there's that famous Tate spunk.

Genesis: And they're off!

Right away it's Grey Beauty in the lead, followed by Fin and Dandy.

Coming up from the back strong, we got Landbiscuit, Secret Squid, and I Named Myself.

Boy howdy, what a race!

Chrysalis: Let's lock and load!

Damn it, the trajectory's off.

It's gonna miss by seven and a half inches.


Chrysalis, deploy dolphin penis!

Not again! Please, don't make me.

Chrysalis Zirconia Tate, I command you to deploy the dolphin penis!

I refuse to watch. Just tell me how it goes.

[electronic whirring]

It's working!

Good. I'm so glad.

[all screaming]


Ah, freeze! Police!

[speaking Russian]

[both speaking Russian]

Genesis: Only one dolphin remains, and she got it!


You're free now, girl.

[g*n cocks]

Not so fast-like.

No, don't sh**t!

I ain't gonna sh**t her, but I might shab her.

Either way, don't do it.

Come now, why would I k*ll this valuable creature?

She's gonna rebuild my track with her bare fins.

Then she's gonna race and race till her blowhole falls off.

What do you say to that, Dazzle Novak?

[inhales deeply]

[muffled groaning]

[gasping and groaning]

What was that?


Something told me if I tried it I'd probably k*ll someone.

Hey you. It's funny, they say a dolphin never forgets.

But what they don't tell you is you never forget a dolphin.

Please, don't make this harder than it is.

We're from two different worlds. I'm a mammal.

You're a fish.

Just know that next time I see a can of tuna, I'll imagine there are chunks of you in it.

And I'll try my best to get one lodged in my heart.

[techno music]

Once again, you have left a path of gratuitous, wanton destruction, displaying an utter contempt for human life and personal property.

You will replace the CPR guy's shirt.

You know, this is a very dysfunctional workplace.

It's funny, I actually enjoy not being in that oxygen-free robo-skeleton.

Hey, what happened to Rad?

[speaking Russian]

I'm a human, man!

I'm stuck in an advanced robotic orca suit!

Why isn't anybody listening to me?

[speaking Russian]

Rad: Does anybody speak English here?


Well, kids, I'm shipping off.

I guess you do have some excitement in this place after all.

I'll miss you, Dad.

As will I.

But while the sea may wash away those we love, their memories still wade in the gentle tide of our minds.

[seagulls cawing]

Hey, is that a penis?

What are you talking about? That's a second tail.

Nope, it's a penis. Pretty big one at that too, yeah.

She's a dude. [chuckles]


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