01x03 - Prodigal Son

[bunniefuu]

[clock ticking]

Paul, shut the window.

[water dripping]

Paul, shut the window. It's raining.

[water dripping]

Damn it, Paul.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Paul!

[exclaiming]

God, Paul.

Hey. What's up?

You're sleep pissing.

Is that even a real term?

It is, and I'm seeing a pattern because you pissed in the kitchen nearly a year ago to the day.

I don't think once a year counts as a pattern.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'll clean it up right now.

Maybe this is a sign.

A sign?

That maybe you have a problem with drinking, and you may want to cut back.

I don't have a problem.

If you woke up and I was taking a sh*t in your purse, that would be a problem.

[whispers] Damn it.

[Zeus' "You Gotta Teller"]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ You gotta tell her ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's got to know ♪

Yeah!

♪ You gotta tell her ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's got to know ♪

[skates scraping]

Guys, we're just not playing good offense out there, okay?

I think some of you are definitely playing offense emotionally and spiritually, but nobody's playing it physically except me.

I think I'm doing a pretty good job, but that's 'cause I practice and I work out a lot more than you two.

Yo, how many times do I got to tell you?

When I tap the stick three times, that means pass.

I thought two taps meant pass you the puck.

No, that means fake the pass and then sh**t.

Guys, what are we, ten with the secret codes?

Just call for the puck.

No, because then everyone's gonna know what's up.

So what?

We lost.

The point is, we had fun.

The guys in the post office, they respect us now.

Sebalos, we just lost eight to nothing, man.

It's way closer than it sounds.

Okay, whatever.

You know what?

Can we just go to the bar, climb into some pitchers, and live to fight another day?

Please? Can we do that?

I'm gonna take a pass, guys.

What, is Karen making you watch "The Bachelorette" again?

No. That's Mondays.

It's just... I've been kind of hitting it hard a little bit lately, and I'm a bit concerned, man.

Concerned about what?

All right.

Last night I woke up, and I'm pissing all over the bedroom wall.

[laughter]

Dead serious.

Karen thinks it's a sign I have a problem.

That's not a problem, dude.

A problem would be if she woke up and you were taking a sh*t in her purse.

Dude, I said the exact same thing to her.

Yo, true story: One time, I woke up in the middle of the night and I was pissing on my Christmas tree.

[laughter]

Can we go to the bar or what?

Yo, let's go.

It's half off pitchers, right?

There we go.

All right, fine. I'll go for one.

Yeah, have fun, guys. I got to get back on the ice, so...

What do you mean you got to get back on the ice?

What, I didn't tell you?

Playing on the Dominicans.

What?

Yeah.

Division seven?

Relax, I'm still gonna play for The Chubbys, it's just, you know, Dominicans had an open slot, so they asked me to play.

That's like treason.

Bro.

We all know I should be playing up a division anyway, and to be honest with you, I got a connection with my Dominican brothers.

Really?

Yeah.

Like who?

Like Alejo from the dry cleaners.

Alejo is Columbian, not Dominican, you dumb sh*t.

What is that, like, one bus stop away?

Who cares?

I'm surprised you're not playing for the all-gay D7 team.

Who, Dump and Chase?

Yeah.

Bro, I'd love to.

Not only do they have a great offense, but the spread they put out in between periods?

Oh, to die for.

Just so you know, the three of us were asked to play D7 too.

We were?

Yeah, we were.

And you know what we did?

We turned them down. You know why?

No, why?

It's called loyalty.

Please, you guys are just jealous because I'm the only member in Chubbys history to ever be called up to the show.

What show? It's division 7.

Yeah, okay. Smell you later, boys.

[upbeat rock music]

Team Jesus? Are you sh1tting me?

Worst team in D7, right?

Doesn't matter.

It's D7, and they're always looking for players.

It's 'cause nobody wants to play with them, bro.

They're not like us, Paul.

They're called Team Jesus for a reason.

Anthony is not a better player than any of us.

You know how big his fricking head is gonna get over this?

I'm not gonna give him that satisfaction.

That is true.

If Anthony can get called up, we can get called on.

All right, let's go.

♪ ♪

Hey, we just wanted to say that we really like what you guys do on the ice.

Oh, thanks.

You guys want to sit down?

Yeah.

♪ ♪

Well, I'm Christian.

So are we.

Yeah, we hate non-Christians.

Those people can blow me.

Sorry.

Oh, it's okay, brother.

My name is Christian.

All: Oh!

I'm Paul.

Oh, hi.

And that's Sebalos and that's Shitski.

Excuse me?

He means Litski.

I think I've seen you guys around.

Who do you play for?

We are so blessed to play for The Chubbys.

Sweet.

Yeah.

We really love the game, guys, and we've been praying for new opportunities, so if you ever need a few guys, we would love to play for you.

So, you want to play with us because of him?

♪ ♪

Wait, you know about Anthony?

Jesus.

Who's Anthony?

Oh, he's just this Dominican wannabe that we know.

Say what you were saying about Jesus, man.

That sounded really interesting.

It was his will that brought you here tonight.

Mm-hmm.

Absolutely.

We would love to have you play with us.

No sh*t?

Sorry.

It's a bad habit.

Men, let's pray.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

Father God, we thank you for your divine providence that led these men of faith here to us tonight, and we offer all that we do for your glory.

Amen.

Amen.

All: Amen.

All right, I'll get the first couple of pitchers.

What do you guys drink? Imported or domestic?

Oh, Fresca.

Yeah, the men who play on Team Jesus abstain from alcohol, dr*gs, tobacco.

Holy sh...

Ghost!

[chuckles]

Holy ghost.

Right? The father, son, the holy ghost.

Am I right, guys? The big three.

Amen.

The lord.

I'll go get the Fresca.

Awesome.

Hey, buddy.

Yeah. Welcome.

I'm excited.

Hey, babe.

You're home early.

Yeah, you know, I was thinking about my little accident last night, and you were right.

I think I'm gonna be giving up drinking for a while.

You're quitting drinking?

You know me. I have will power.

So when I decide to do something, it gets done.

No it doesn't.

I'm turning over a new leaf, babe, and now that I'm clearheaded, I've decided to do something about it.

Me and the guys were asked to play in a higher division.

Good for you, Paul.

Are you kidding me?

Karen, this is huge.

Yeah, it's quite an achievement.

Oh.

I mean, I'm still gonna be playing with The Chubbys in D8.

Awesome.

More hockey.

Yeah, but this is new team, division seven.

So, there's, like, six divisions higher than this team?

I mean, I guess you could look at it like that.

What's the new team's name?

It's Team Jesus.

Team Jesus?

Yeah.

Do they know that you're a Jew and Anthony is Satan's spawn?

Anthony is playing for the Dominicans.

In the same division?

Yeah.

[laughing] Okay.

I see now.

Willpower, my ass.

Excuse me?

I tell you maybe you should cut back on drinking.

You tell me you don't have a problem, but then you're jealous of Anthony, so you're giving up drinking to you can play with some born again boners and save face.

Okay.

I'll have you know that everything that you just said right now is largely true, but so what?

Everybody wins, and maybe it's the little extra push I needed.

Good luck.

Oh, I'm gonna make it.

[upbeat salsa music]

♪ ♪

Team Jesus? That's who picked you up?

[laughs]

Hilarious-o!

Keep it moving, assh*le!

Anthony's lost it.

He's crazy.

Dude, you want to know what's crazy?

I heard that this team has a freaking Bible in the penalty box.

Guys, we made it, okay?

This is division seven. Focus.

Guys, let's bring it in for a quick prayer.

Hey, what's up, bro?

Father God, keep us safe on the ice tonight, and when we play, let all who see us know that we are men of God.

Amen.

All: Amen.

Oh, one more thing.

God, number 12 on the Dominican team, his name is Anthony Pucello, he does not weareth a mouth guard.

Please forgive us for knocking his teeth out.

No, 'cause listen, 'cause here's why: He is not a man of God as we all are.

I think it's what Jesus would do.

Absolutely.

[buzzer blares]

You know, I don't think they were feeling my prayer.

It's all good, bro.

[whistle trills]

Sebalos!

[upbeat rock music]

Praise the lord.

♪ ♪

Amen, brother!

♪ ♪

Yeah!

♪ Into the fire I fall ♪

[music warps to a stop]

There is no god.

[buzzer blares]

We should have prayed for a miracle.

This is a goddamned bloodbath.

Yeah, well, that's 'cause our team doesn't check, steal, spit, or curse, so, sorry, but that's not even hockey.

I got it! I got it!

I got it! [Grunts]

Dig it out, Sebalos!

[grunting] I got it!

Come on, ref, that's a penalty!

Hey, ref, get off your knees! You're blowing the game!

[bass guitar strumming]

Are you sh1tting me?

♪ ♪

Guys, guys, no! No!

Mark 12:31.

"There is no greater commandment than to love thy neighbor as to love thyself!"

[thuds and grunts]

[all yelling]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Yo!

Los hombres!

What's up, my friends?

How you doing, papi?

There's a food truck on West 29th Street that's operated by our people.

Got a little celebration food.

Our people?

Yeah, the gente. Yeah.

Look at this: empanadas!

Huh?

Not as good as my sweet abuelita's, but still pretty great.

Oh, really?

What made the empanadas your sweet abuelita made so great?

I... um... I would...

It's a combination...

Oh, you guys are... you're messing with me.

I get it. Yeah.

Muchachos like me can't give up empanada secrets.

I no loco. Yo no sé, right?

Yo no sé.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

Cerveza.

You guys.

Just look at them.

Drinking beer, laughing after a game, like men.

They're animals, is what they are.

They're a disgrace.

[all yell]

I'm gonna complain to a manager.

If they want decent patrons like us to come here, they're gonna have to ask derelicts like them to leave.

Guys, we need to talk.

Yeah, Kelly, we were just coming over.

You're gonna have to leave.

Excuse me?

Whoa, so rude.

You're taking up two tables and not drinking.

Two more pitchers of Fresca, please, Kelly.

This is a bar.

It's for people who want to party.

I'd like to speak to a manager.

He's the one who wants you to leave.

[all groan]

[laughter]

Okay, so you know that machine at the gym where you have to, like, strain to bring your legs together?

I know that machine.

Okay, there is this woman at my gym, and I'm pretty sure that she uses it to give herself an orgasm.

Shut up.

And at the end, she goes like this...

[exclaims in a high-pitched voice]

[laughter]

Hey, babe.

Hi.

How are you?

Good.

What's all this?

It was my turn to host book club.

What's tonight's book?

Something by some chick who had some sort of struggle.

We just call it book club because it sounds better than "excuse to drink too much wine on a weeknight."

[laughter]

Make yourself useful.

It's a twist off.

You know, having all this booze around the house really isn't helping me with my sobriety.

Aw, well that sounds like something an alcoholic would say, but luckily, you have willpower.

That's true.

[exhales]

It's a weeknight, you know.

Maybe you should slow down a bit.

I'm just having some drinks with friends, which is something that you and your idiot friends do at least three nights a week.

Now, go upstairs.

I'll be up in an hour, and don't go to sleep 'cause I might need you later.

Okay.

I can taste the wine.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, you did that on purpose.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, nice support, Karen.

Nice support!

♪ ♪

So nobody's heard from Anthony?

No.

Hey, did you guys get that Bible study email?

Yes, and we're going.

Okay, I don't want Christian to think that we don't fit in.

Oh, no, we have to go.

I mean, look what he gave me.

Wow.

Right?

That's a pretty sweet-ass Bible, my brother.

I can't believe Anthony is blowing us off like this.

God, how does this guy walk with the size of his balls?

[Spanish dance music playing]

♪ ♪

Hola.

Hey, we're supposed to be on the ice in ten minutes.

Where the hell are you?

Dude, look, I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight, okay?

I got to install a waste disposal for Pedro.

You have your head so far up Pedro's ass you're wearing him like a sombrero.

What about The Chubbys, man?

We still have a team here.

Look, you know I would if I could, but this was an emergency.

Mm-hmm.

Passing a stone, a sick kid, a car accident.

Those are emergencies.

Installing a shitter for one of the Dominicans?

Not an emergency.

Who said anything about a shitter?

I'm installing a waste disposal, and, bro, you don't know anything about my people or my culture, okay?

To us, it's a little thing we like to call, "La famigilia."

Let me remind you, you're half Dutch and half Italian.

All right, at your sixth birthday party, when they brought out the piñata, you pissed in your bathing suit.

Buddy, look, I can't do this, okay?

If I don't get this done before Pedro gets back, he won't start me, so I got to go.

Hasta luego, assh*le!

♪ Jesus is a friend of mine ♪
♪ Jesus is my friend ♪

But the father said to his servants,

"Quick! Bring the best robe, and put it on him."

You know what, dude?

I got to tell you, this little detox sucks, but there is one upside.

My body is running like a machine.

The sex has been incredible.

Come on.

I'm, like, always ready to go.

Did you get back together with Madeline?

No, but I have been b*ating off like a mental patient.

Congrats.

[door creaks]

[whispering] Sebalos.

Where the hell was he?

Where do you think he was, dude?

Jesus Christ.

[laughing]

Oh, no.

So why do you think Jesus told Peter and his men to go back out there and lower their nets after days of not catching anything?

Randy.

Because when you go fishing, you have to be patient.

Yeah, patient.

Yeah, 'cause, like, on the "Deadliest Catch," there was this boat.

"The Bearded Clam."

Like, five days, nothing, bro, and on the sixth day, holy sh*t, they had more crabs than a '70s p*rn star.

Maybe the captain of the boat was a man of faith like Peter.

Actually, he was an alcoholic and a sex addict.

Yeah, every time he went below deck, he was either hitting the bottle or glazing his ham.

[stifled laughter]

Sorry.

Shut up.

Let's pray for brother Randy.

All: Amen.

Wow, that was kind of cool.

Thank you, guys.

Yeah.

Amen.

Let's move on.

Hey guys, let's bring it in here.

Come on.

I would like brother Dickie to lead us in prayer tonight.

All right.

Father God, above in the sky, we ask that you be with us tonight as we destroy Team Hook and Ladder.

We will do this by imagining that each and every one of them are Satan in skates.

Whenever three or more of us gather in your name, let us surround number 17... he's their leading scorer... and let us check him so hard that he can't remember his mother's name.

Dickie.

Sorry.

Well, anyway, I mean, that's about it, I guess.

Let's go out there and shove it up their ass for Jesus!

Jesus.

Both: Amen.

Totally, bro.

I'm not, like, a prayer guy.

I don't know, I don't do a lot of praying.

Yeah, I know, it's kind of weird, like...

What the hell are you doing here?

I quit the Dominicans.

What, no one would do the merengue with you between periods?

No. I just quit.

You know, I thought that they wanted me on their team 'cause I'm an amazing hockey player, but turns out they were just using me.

What do you mean they were just using you?

Well I was at Arturo's house, running a gas line behind a new stove, and a couple of guys came in, and they didn't know I was there, and I heard one guy say to the other guy that they were gonna get me to install a garage door opener, and that's why they had me on the team.

To do free work for them.

So as they say in Spanish, I'm "finido."

Those Dominicans are... they're pretty savvy.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm sorry, Anthony.

I was acting like an assh*le, so I should be the one saying "sorry."

Yep.

Yep.

Actually, you were. I'm not really that sorry.

You know what they say, brother: "When one door closes, another one opens."

You should play for us.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's not happening.

With all due respect, Christian, the only reason we joined Team Jesus is because we couldn't handle one of our buddies playing up a division.

Yeah, no one on The Chubbys can stand it when one of us does better than the other.

If he's not in division seven, then we don't need to put up with this sh*t.

I thought you guys were like us.

No, no, I think we are very different.

I'm a Jew!

You're Jewish?

Yeah, man, sorry about Jesus and everything, but look, you're a good guy.

You really are.

It's just you kind of talk to God a lot.

It's weird.

I don't talk to God ever.

I mean, the only time I do is during the Super Bowl.

Oh, Stanley Cup.

That's true.

Oh, yeah.

I talk when I think I got an STD.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but that hasn't worked.

Guys, so just like that, you're going home?

No, no, we're not going home.

We're going to Maggie Mae's to celebrate my six days of sobriety.

Six days!

Let's go! Let's go!

And welcome our boy home.

All: Yeah!

Yo, yo, yo, Christian, yo, yo, yo.

You know last night at Bible study?

Yeah?

I was higher than a giraffe's ass.

[laughter]

[Lake Street Dive's "You Go Down Smooth"]

♪ Would it be true to say ♪
♪ That I ordered you? ♪

[all exclaim]

So you regretting giving up drinking, bro?

I think after six days of not drinking, I've proved to myself I can give it up if I want to.

That's right, man.

You don't want to force sobriety, you know?

'Cause then you'll resent it, man.

Tomorrow, we suit up as the team we know and love, and take on the Rippers, who we will destroy!

[all yelling]

[Irish folk music]

Whoo!

♪ ♪

Oh!

[coughs]

All: ♪ They come over here ♪
♪ And they take all our land ♪
♪ They chop off our heads and they boil them in oil ♪
♪ Our children are leaving and we have no heads ♪
♪ We sing and we dance ♪
♪ And we sing and we die ♪
♪ We have no heads ♪
♪ No, we have no heads ♪

[whispering] Hey.

How's the not drinking going?

[groans]

I didn't make the two weeks, baby.

No, you did not.

I think I had a pretty good time last night.

Yeah?

And, uh... no accidents.

Just promise me that that...

I promise you.

It will never happen again.

I'm gonna make us coffee.

I would love some coffee.

I love you.

Love you.

[sighs]

[yelling] What is this in my purse?

Oh, my God!

Paul!

God damn it!