01x05 - Glitzotrene One Town's Seduction

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Moonbeam City". Aired: September 2015 to December 2015.
"Moonbeam City" follows the exploits of an idiotic detective, of "Moonbeam City PD", who commits more crimes than the criminals he tries to lock up.
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01x05 - Glitzotrene One Town's Seduction

Post by bunniefuu »

man: Welcome, fellow anarchists. I am, of course, Chief Anarchist Slice Anchorson. First order of business...

Uh, don't you mean first disorder of chaos?

Quiet! I have the floor!

The floor belongs to everyone!

That's communism. This is anarchism.

We don't believe in communism?

No, we don't believe in nothing.

Yes, we do.


Whew! These guys are real idiots.

Agreed. Let's just go in there.

On your mark, get set, go.

[b*ll*ts ricochet]


Get out of here in a disorderly fashion!


This is anarchism!

Double crap.

Here comes backup.

Oh, God! There were 14 officers in there.

It's okay, folks. We're cops.

sh**t at the base of the flames where the f*re's brains are.


[crowd booing]

[sirens approaching]

Oh, God, no. Not again.

It's the f*re department!

man: Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the star of your Moonbeam City Municipal f*re Department, yours truly, Sizzle Conrad.


[techno music plays]


Glitzotrene One Towns Seduction

Sizzle, have sex with me!

Really? Sizzle Conrad?

How could anyone be attracted to that showboating hose-monkey?

What's the matter, Dazzle, jealous?

Give it up for Associate Nozzle Grip Chill Calloway.

Whaa... he looks like me!

And Junior Forensic Flameologist Arista Boyd.

How can she afford those frames on a junior flameologist's salary?

[baby cries]

woman: I've got a baby!

Watch me fly, ladies.

[baby cries]

Ah. [chuckles]




Showoff. [coughs]

Congratulations, idiots.

Not only did you not arrest Slice Anchorson, but you handed the g*dd*mn f*re department another huge victory. Don't you ever get tired of losing?

Sizzle Conrad is the loser.

That ladder jockey's lucky there's so many fires all the time.

It's not our fault there are no crimes to solve.

There's a g*ng w*r going on right behind you.

That w*r's been brewing for years. You're living in the past, Pizzaz.

I say we fight firefighters with f*re.

Meaning what exactly?

I don't know. Oh! Burn down the f*re station.

Oh, [bleep]. The mayor.

man: Ladies and gentlemen, Mayor E.O. Jackson.

Ah, Chief Miller, sorry for your loss.

You guys put on a better funeral than the f*re department.

I'll give you that. Must be all the practice you get.

Thank you, sir. And don't worry about Slice Anchorson.

We'll track him down.

Don't bother. Sizzle Conrad ran him over with his f*re engine on the way home from the blaze yesterday.

Thank God for the Sizz Man. Am I right, anonymous civic employee?

Seriously? It's me... Dazzle Novak.

The Dazz Man.

Anyway, I've been thinking.

Since the f*re department is able to do their job and yours, maybe we don't need a police department anymore.

You're f*ring us?

No, no, no.

You'll all be given new jobs in the f*re department.

How'd you like to be a hose reeler-inner?

Oh, Chief Miller, you'd make a fine pole shiner.


With all due respect, Mr. Mayor, I-I do feel that the city still needs a police department.


Oh, hey, dr*gs!

You need cops to fight dr*gs, right?

Moonbeam City doesn't have a drug problem.

We have grum. Six homeless people d*ed using it last month.

Eh, why should I care about six bums who couldn't even be bothered to own homes?

Hey-yo, we going or what?

Hey, right behind you, Sizz Man.

Listen, g*ng, I gotta go.


[cats growling]

Mr. Mayor, what if I told you that Moonbeam City was about to be ravaged by a drug epidemic so devastating, it'll make yesterday's warehouse f*re look like Hiroshima... pre-World w*r II when it was a beautiful and vibrant city and it was the pearl of Honshu.

Hmm. Drug epidemics make national headlines.

This might be just what Moonbeam City needs. Yeah.

But if there's a new drug coming, wouldn't you rather nip it in the bud?

There's no glory in nipping things in the bud.

If you went back in time and k*lled h*tler when he was a baby, people would just say, "Oh, my God.

That lady k*lled a baby."

No. I like my drug scourges big!

Just like my warehouse fires and my police chief ta-tas.

Congrats, police department, you ain't fired yet. [chuckles]

Ugh, this is grum?

It looks and smells like powdered horse manure.

I think it is, mostly.

I want to smell it.


Wow, it's really euphoric. It's like my ears are on a cloud.

Well, I guess it's harmless. I wonder why it never caught on.




Well, we can't start a drug epidemic with this slob.

We need something sexy and fun.

I'm going to go down to the chemistry lab.

Maybe those nerds can whip up a new drug for us.

Wait, we're gonna create a drug ourselves?

Does the mayor know about this? He really scares me.

We don't need to tell the pharaoh how the pyramids are built.

They just need to get built!

Believe me, the less that whack-job knows, the better.

My ankles are on f*re! But my shins are freezing.

My God, he is innocent! I've got one minute to get this evidence to death row before they...

Drop everything, Jericho.

Good. I've got a new job for you.

Top secret, and you answer only to me.

But they're gonna execute this man...

Damn it, Jericho, I don't have time to argue.

There's dr*gs to be made.

[synthesizer music plays]

I did it.

I did it! It's 100% pure.

Pure what?

I don't know!

Ladies and gentlemen, I, and I alone, give you glitzotrene.

Yeah, well let's see if it's any good.

Don't! [inhales]

Uh... that's...

You can't snort glitz with your nose!

It's meant to be administered intra-earaly, with your ear.

All right, everybody, we got a drug epidemic to start and, ideally, quickly end.

Let's get this stuff out on the streets.

I hate you! Stop looking at me!

This stuff really gets the creative juices flowing.

You can feel sweet beats swimming through your veins and tasty licks boning you in your brains.

[synthesizer music plays]

One h*t of this, you'll be as skinny as one of those begging kids from the commercials.

Dazzle thinks he's so cool.

But one day I'll have my chance to be cool.

Then we'll see how cool being cool really is...

Aah! Ah, rats! Skunk!

We are live as flames have engulfed the Theta Tau sorority house, considered by many to be the hottest sorority at Moonbeam Polytechnic.

It appears that two utterly bodacious babes are trapped on an upper floor.

Jump, girls, into my jacked arms.

Genesis: And there they go right into the arms of Moonbeam f*re's five-alarm super hunk, Sizzle Conrad.

f*re makes me hot. Mmm.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know who to be jealous of.

Well, Miller, this glitz stuff has really taken the city by storm. Even my son is addicted.

His life is ruined.

Yes, well, that's quite a tragedy.

Tragedy? I did six national TV interviews this morning.

[mockingly] My son's an addict too.

I'm a regular person just like them. [chuckles]

[normal voice] I think I should run for governor.

You should! Yes! Then you can move to the capital, which coincidentally, is very far from here.

Say, Miller, why don't you and me have lunch sometime?

You know, you... lunch with me.

Underwear lunch with all the fixings.

Sorry, I don't think I have time for underwear lunch.

But thank you.

We could do it after work.

A midnight underwear lunch.

It'll be a quickie, I promise, as long as I don't have a solo underwear lunch earlier in the day.

Wow. You are... quite the charmer, sir.

Well, Miller, I won't keep you.

I'm sure you're all busy planning the take down of whichever drug lord is responsible for this mess.

Oh, yes, we are, sir. We're very busy.

You're not lying to me, are you, Miller?

My snow leopards can smell lies, like I can smell beautiful feet.

Well, they don't need to bother with me. [chuckles] No lying here.

Oh, boy, go get, 'em Dazz Man. Moonbeam City's counting on you.

What about me?

Back to your cell, pervert!


Ah, he called me Dazz Man. Eat it, Sizzle Conrad!

Now let's go bust this drug lord.

Damn it, Dazz Man, there is no drug lord.

Obviously this glitz business has to end with an arrest.

What the hell are we going to do now?

Come on, think of something, Chrysalis.

You've been absolutely no help thus far.

I haven't helped because this whole thing's a terrible idea.

But if you want to arrest someone, let's just find a patsy.

Yes, we'll blame it on the Irish.

No, a patsy, a fall guy.

You need to create a fake glitz kingpin, then we'll take him down and look like heroes.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I like it.

I like it. But who can we get to be this villain?

Me! If I can't be the hero, being a villain is the next best thing.

At least villains are feared and respected and not mistaken for sex offenders.

Rad is inherently unlikeable.

That's true.

People hate Rad even when he's doing good.

Remember when he visited that special needs school?

Those kids usually hug everything.

They said they weren't allowed to hug.

Congratulations, Rad, you've got the job.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Rad, get down to wardrobe right away.

And, Dazzle, you make sure that glitz keeps flowin' 'til we wrap this up.

Cancel your weekend plans, Jericho.

We're gonna need you here around the clock making glitz.

But my daughter's wedding is this weekend.

Well, you better hire a good videographer to capture those once-in-a-lifetime moments, because you are going to miss 'em.

Now let's get cracking.

But I...

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.


I've had enough of this.

I think it's time to play a little trick on Dazzle Novak.

[laughs maniacally]

Returning your sex offender costume?

What? No!

These are my regular clothes. I need a new costume.

I'm going to be Moonbeam City's number one-o drug lord.

Okay. What do you need?

What do you got?
♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do do-do-do-do-do-do ♪
♪ Tryin' on outfits, Do-do-do ♪
♪ Tryin' on a mustache, Do-do-do ♪
♪ Trying on shoes, Do-do-do ♪
♪ Trying on montage, Ah... ♪

Oh, look at the drug lord, so dangerous and respectable.

Yes! Respect!

Moonbeam City, get ready to meet your new best frenemy, with benefists.

Yeah! Ha! Fooh!

In drug lord news, the new power rankings are in, and... shocker... we have a new number one.

Grum kingpin Helix Salazito has been dethroned by exciting newcomer Raduardo Glitzcobar.

Joining us to talk about these developments, Moonbeam City Chief of Police Pizzaz Miller.

Well, Genesis, I can assure your viewers that, uh, Raduardo is very dangerous and extremely real.

I see. And what of the rumors of Raduardo's strange, malformed genitalia?

Um, would that make him scarier?

I think so.

Then yes.


Welcome to Casa Raduardo.

It's beautiful.

Rad, you hole up here until 6:00 Friday night.

Then we'll storm the place, bring you in. Got it?

So elegant.



Did you hear the plan?

Yes, I heard.

Now, if I may get into character... get the [bleep] out of my house!


There was shark aquarium in the master bedroom.

All right, we'll see ya on Friday.

Here you go, boss. This week's take.


Sorry, Helix, nobody's buying grum anymore.

It's all about glitzotrene now.

That freak Raduardo has the market locked up along with midget sex slaves I heard. That's the rumor.

Bring me the head of Raduardo Glitzcobar.

Yes. And the body?

How would you get the head without the body?

By k*lling him and cutting the head off.

What? No, don't k*ll him.

Just bring him here. Send a car.

Si, si, si, si. Yes.

Got any glitz?

Sorry, friend, no glitz here.

Ah, nobody has any.

What do you mean nobody has any?

Don't worry, everyone. I am a police officer.

More dr*gs are coming.

Jericho, where are you?

Hmm. Looks like Jericho played a little trick on me.

su1c1de. The oldest trick in the book.

Hmm. [mumbles] "...financial problems..."

[whispering] Boring, boring, boring, boring.

"Dazzle Novak... narcissist, prick... race baiting." Hmm.

Hmm. Well, he probably didn't realize it, but I actually come off pretty badly in this su1c1de note.

Let me just punch it up a little.

"I'm sorry I let everyone down, especially Dazzle.

He's such a great guy.

Whatever you do, don't blame him for anything.

Well, gotta go. Time to su1c1de myself.

Selfishly yours, Jericho."

God damn it! So we can't make any more glitz?

[phone rings]

Stand by for the mayor.

Miller, glitz numbers are dropping.

There's neighborhoods on the South side that are now safe to walk through, at night even.

That is indeed troubling news, sir.

Well, I guess I can shut down the police department after all.

Actually, we've located the Glitzcobar compound.

We're getting ready to raid it. Yeah, this Friday night.

[leopard growls]

I'm almost done.

Quick retracting.

Friday night? Oh, good. Very good.

We'll have live news coverage, the works.

Oh, I can't wait for you to nail that Raduardo.

There's something about him I find really irritating.

The drug trafficking, sir?

No, no, no. It's his face.

Oh, his face.

He's got one of those faces you just want to punch for days.

[both laugh]

After all my years of suffering and abuse, things are finally going my way!

I get to live in a mansion, wear these cool clothes, and frighten children. It's everything I ever dreamed of.

Whoo-hoo! Oh!

Oh! What's happening?

His drug decimated a city.

His legend frightened a nation.

His faced annoyed a planet.

Friday night at 6:00...

[echoing] it... all... ends.

Don't miss the thrilling capture of Raduardo Glitzcobar broadcast live from the Glitzcobar compound, featuring Dazzle Novak and Moonbeam City police department with special appearance by mayor E.O. Jackson and musical guest Soul Shadow.

Friday at 6:00. Be there.

Mayor: I'm mayor E.O. Jackson, and I approve this drug bust.

Pizzaz: Today we bring Raduardo Glitzcobar to justice and take back the streets of Moonbeam City.

So let's do this. Three, two, one. Surrendo, Raduardo.

Miller, where the hell is Glitzcobar?

I don't know what happened. Someone must've tipped him off.

Damn it. Where the hell is Rad?

Do you know who I am?

The bandleader on that Mexican talkshow?


You want me to guess again?


Freddy Frijole, the cartoon mascot for those canned beans?

I'm not Freddy Freakin' Frijole!

I am Helix Salazito.

I used to run the grum racket around here, and then you showed up with your pretty pink powder.

You have cost me a lot of money, and now it's time to earn it back.

[sucks tongue, sighs] Ohh... All right. Mouth or butt?

No! You're going to teach my men how to make glitz.

I am?

Engage your peripheral vision.


You do know how to make glitz?

Do I know... [chuckles] Yeah.

We were able to collect DNA from the... the present left on Raduardo's pillow.

It matches a known Salazito associate, Fusion Hernandez.

I knew it was him. That guy loves to [bleep] on pillows.

So Rad's d*ad, huh?

I didn't say that. I bet the Salazitos took him and are forcing him to make glitz for them.

This is a disaster. Rad was wearing over a million dollars worth of police issued tactical jewelry.

Do you understand? We have got to find that costume!

And... done!

Done? It's supposed to be pink. Why is it salmon?

Because it's extra strength.

Okay, then try it.

I actually gave up glitz for Lent.

It's October.

Jewish Lent.

That starts the third week of July this year. Now do it!




That's weird.

[squishing noises]

He's [bleep] out of his eyes.

Oh, Dios, someone lock him in a bathroom until he's done.

[farting] Oh!

Have any glitz? Anyone have any...glitz?

The Salazito compound has to be around here somewhere.

Ugh! I need glitz.

Poor bastards. That bastard chemist Jericho Becker got 'em addicted to his wonder drug and then stopped making it. Heartless bastard.



No more screwing around, Raduardo.

Make it right this time.


Unless you don't know how to make it. Maybe you're just a fraud.

Maybe you're not a powerful drug lord at all.

If that's the case, then you might as well leave right now.

[loudly] No! [meekly] I am.

Then make the glitz.

I don't know how not to make gliss. Glitz. Glitz.

I hope Rad isn't actually trying to make glitzotrene.

He knows nothing about chemistry.

One wrong combination and...

Let's go!

[siren wails]

Firemen? Oh, God!



[Sizzle laughing]

[crowd cheering]

Those Dalmatian diddling glory hogs.

They're going to hog all the glory.

[Sizzle grunting]

Mayor: Look, Sizzle captured Raduardo Glitzcobar.

Go, Sizzle, go!

[Sizzle groans]

Oh, my chiseled face!

Well, at least he was horribly b*rned.

All those Sizzle groupies are gonna be flocking to me now.

Ah, Sizzle Conrad!

Did you hear?

Sizzle has sexy new scars and a cool mask! Aah!

Hey, what's up, ladies? Y'all want to rub my mask?



That is it. You are under arrest for coveting a burn face over a perfect diamond.


[gagging, coughing]

Well, at least the mayor decided not to dissolve the police department.

Yeah, I wonder why.

Let's just say I was able to broker a deal.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for my thrice weekly... lunch with the mayor.

But you just ate 20 minutes ago.

I know. The things I do for Moonbeam City.

Ah, lunchtime.

Hey, why are you going into that supply closet?

[door closes]

Do they serve food in there? Pizzaz.

Here you go.

Sorry I b*rned the clothes, and the jewelry kind of all melted together into a big clump.

Oh, how'd it go?

Pretty terribly.

I did severe damage to almost every major system in my body and was almost k*lled several times.

Sorry to hear that, kid.


Do you think I could maybe keep the mustache?



voice: Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ah hah hah hah hah hah hah! Ah hah-hah-hah-hah-hah hah-hah-hah!



[electronic dance music]
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