02x06 - Jacked o' Lantern

[bunniefuu]

Dre: Ever since I was a kid, I've always loved Halloween.

Trick or treat!

Woman: Aww, look. A tin man!

But I'm silver surfer.

Ruby: Was in the choir at church.

And even though I couldn't afford the best costume, I could steal money from my mom's purse for a bus pass to get to the best candy.

Yeah, I ain't gonna never get no afro.

I don't believe in all that!

Now I live in one of those "good candy" neighborhoods.

It's a Halloween hotspot, and coming here has become a tradition.

Kids come from all over the city to trick-or-treat, because we do it up right.

♪

Some of these kids include my own nieces and nephews, who come up from the hood to hang with us on Halloween.

[g*nsh*t]

And they have their own tradition... roughing up my soft-ass kids.

♪

Junior: No, no!

Oh, hey, hey, hey!

Diane: My candy!

And I let this happen, 'cause it's good for my kids.

Ow!

No, not my calligraphy hand!

Did I mention that they're soft?

[Groans]

Rainbow: Dre?

In here!

Hey! Oh, there you are.

Oh, my.

Hello, Mr. president.

[Chuckles] Okay, Dre, inauguration Michelle or "Teen Choice" Michelle?

Eh.

Oh, fine.

Just classic Michelle?

That's it.

All right.

Mm-mm-mmm! Tsh!

I see Satan's fast at work on this house.

Mama, please, all right?

We don't need to hear how evil Halloween is.

Actually, I was referring to the dinner in the oven.

What?

I didn't know if you were cooking lasagna or stewing a bag of medical waste.

[Chuckles] No disrespect.

Again, and hopefully for the last time, just because you say "no disrespect" doesn't make it any less disrespectful.

Point taken. I'm sorry.

I just think that celebrating this pagan holiday makes you awful parents.

But...

No offense.

[Chuckles] Ooh. Yeah.

I have lost the first dog, but I have eyes on POTUS.

You know, we really need to come up with a proper nickname for you, Prez.

And I'm really gonna need you to give me some space from you, weirdo. [Laughs]

You've been following me around all week.

It is my honor and privilege to guard you, sir.

What?

I don't judge you for your frequent bathroom visits.

Even number one has to go number two.

[Laughs] I like that.

[Laughs] Boom!

I can't wait for your cousins to b*at your ass.

No.

What?

Junior, I would really appreciate it if you and your cousins would refrain from roughhousing.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't listen to her, all right?

[Scoffs]

Roughhousing is a normal, necessary part of growing up, all right?

Me and my cousin June Bug, we went at it all the time.

June Bug?

Mm-hmm.

Sounds stereotypical.

No, no, no, no, no, no. He's not a stereotype.

You know, just a big, aggressive guy from a bad neighborhood with a stomach tattoo.

You know, went to jail a couple of times.

Uh, anyway, it's what prepared me for the real world.

Without it, I wouldn't be the street-smart, tough, strong, educated gangster...

Whoo! A ring pop!

Ha ha ha! Mmm.

[Doorbell rings] POTUS is exiting.

Happy Halloween, Johnsons!

Ohh, I see we're both going as doctors this year.

Oh, no, Janine. I really am a doctor.

Way to stay in character.

Uh, paging "Dr. Rainbow." [Laughs]

Can you imagine?

Anyhoo, last year, some of the visiting trick-or-treaters got a little more turnt up than some of us are used to.

Mm-hmm.

So, this year, we're hiring a safety ambassador for the evening.

A safety ambassador? You mean like a cop?

Yeah.

Well, sort of.

He doesn't have the legal power to arrest or detain anyone, but he does have a taser.

A ta... I'm sorry. What?

Oh, no, he's a... a large Samoan man.

He used to be in the XFL, so he probably won't even have to use it.

Okay, well, that sounds like a foolproof plan, Janine.

Thank you.

So, I'm gonna close the door now.

Yep, okay. Before you do, before you do...

All right, then.

Whoo, ba-ba-ba-boo!

Before you do, just want to say that, uh, we're hoping to wrap things up a little bit early tonight.

Mm-hmm.

You know, as it gets later, you know, the kids get older and, um, scarier.

Mm-hmm.

So, uh, maybe lights out by 9:00 P.M.?

What do you say?

Yeah. Okay, yeah.

Janine?

Yeah?

You know they're children.

So, maybe instead of closing your doors and turning off your lights, you could open your heart and be a little more accepting and tolerant.

I totally get that, but we lose officer Tuiasosopo at 9:30, so... Lights out.

[Clicks tongue]

Okay, well, it's... Always a joy seeing you.

[Door closes]

Hey.

Hey, Dad.

Sasha, what is going on?

Uh, she's Sasha and I'm Malia.

Don't you even know your own daughters?

[Singsong voice] Oh.

You guys are waiting on your cousins, aren't you?

[Brakes squeal] They're here!

Ohh.

Whoa...

Are they bigger?

[Car doors slamming] Yeah.

Looks like cousin Carl's been hitting that taco bell fourth meal pretty hard.

We always said he was one chalupa away from a train wreck.

Guess he finally ate it.

All right. It's okay to be afraid.

But might as well get it over with.

Time to get mollywhopped.

Whoo! Come on in and kick some butt!

♪

[All growling]

[Yells]

♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Real Compton city G's ♪

Oh!

♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Real Compton city G's ♪

Whoa!

♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Real Compton city G's ♪

Now, how in the hell did this happen?!

Oh!

Hard work!

Dedication!

Hard work!

Dedication!

Junior: Ooh! Yeah! Let's do it!

Yes!

Let's go!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Move it! Come on! Let's move it!

Come on, Zoey! Pick up the pace!

Pick up the pace!

Go! One, two! Yeah!

Go! Let's go!

Junior: Oh, oh!

Let me kick it!

Diane!

Dre: Oh, snap!

Say something! Say something!

You see that championship bloodline right there?!

I breed fighters, son!

[Both barking]

Zoey: Hey, Dad! Dad!

What? What?

Dad, wait.

Isn't that your cousin June Bug bringing in the candy apples?

Cousin who?

June Bug.

♪

What's up, Cuz?

Complete stereotype.

June Bug.

Hey.

[Groaning] Ooh. Whoa.

Don't you drop my apples!

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Ah.

I'm losing breath.

Whoo!

I see you still got that weak little baby-girl windpipe, huh?

June Bug! Man, it's been a long time!

Looking good. Hey.

What's this? Uh... You wearing a kevlar vest?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Part of my costume.

I'm in the club 50 cent.

Oh, okay.

Is it crazy that I already had all this stuff in my closet?

No. It's... it's not crazy at all.

Uh... Children, say hi to cousin June Bug.

Hey!

June Bug, my kids.

How are you?

Hi.

That's a good-looking bunch, Dre.

Oh, thank you.

You sure they yours?

Do... huh?

'Cause you're an extremely unattractive man.

Okay.

Ain't that right, tea kettle?

Jack: Tea kettle?

Why did he call you tea kettle, Dad?

Really? That's what you want to know about?

You not gonna question why he called me unattractive?

Oh!

Rainbow, wow! How are you, baby?

Rainbow: Oh!

"Baby"?

June Bug! Oh, my goodness!

How are you? Ohh! Mwah!

Ohh. Oh, look at you!

Wow!

What's it been, like three, four years?

More like five to seven.

Aww.

Hey, hey, baby, why don't you, uh, put them in the kitchen?

Oh, okay.

Hey, hey, hey.

Did I ever tell you how lucky you are to have this woman, Dre?

What'd you say?

Oh!

Hey, kids, here's a fun fact.

Your father is so weak, he has the strength of a small woman with bone disease.

What?! [Laughter]

Watch how easy I can take him down.

Aah!

Oh! Oh, oh, oh.

The cowardly lion is down!

You are not secret service! You cannot touch the president!

I repeat, the cowardly lion is down.

Diane: Wow, Dad.

Now I finally get why you're always pushing us to fight back against our cousins.

You wanted us to succeed in ways that you failed.

Yeah. You know, because you're a little punk.

Boy, I'll let you know, your father is a strong, educated street gangster.

Oh!

Oh, he broke your father.

[Laughs]

Goodness!

Dad, are you okay?

[Coughs] I'm fine.

We just playing around.

You know, we just going back and forth.

I see the back, but I'm not really seeing the forth.

You know what, baby? Go on and, uh...

I'll go and take these and put these in the kitchen.

Oh, okay. [Coughs]

Okay.

So now I'm the one getting mollywhopped while my kids are standing up for themselves.

I can't believe we stood up to our cousins.

After all the years of abuse, we finally fought back!

Just like Farrah Fawcett in "The Burning Bed"!

What?

It's a powerful portrayal of domestic v*olence, much like "Men Don't Tell," starring Judith Light.

Dude, I'm begging for a reason to root for you.

Anyway, did you see the looks on their faces when we att*cked them?

Yep.

The same look the Native-Americans have in my Christopher Columbus coloring book.

I wonder where they are now?

Probably somewhere curled up in a corner crying.

Just like the Native-Americans in my coloring book.

You know, the truth is, now that we've shown them that we can boss up, maybe we can actually just hang out with them.

And it'll only be better without a bloody nose.

Oh, you getting that bloody nose. [Knuckles cr*ck]

♪

Are you kidding me?

A little miniature Misty Copeland.

[Baby voice] I swear, you are so cute, I just want to eat your face off!

So friggin' cute!

[Normal voice] Oh, remember, sweetheart, you can be anything you want to be!

You is smart. You is kind.

You is important.

Oh, no! Whoa! No, ba-po, ba-po! Hey!

Just a reminder, we lose officer T. at 9:30.

Okay. All right.

I got some personal stuff to do.

[Insects chirping]

Ahhh, this guy! All right.

Let's go talk to the other neighbors.

Bye!

Bye. Oh.

Trick or treat.

Hey, there. Welcome to the neighborhood.

So, who are you supposed to be?

Juvon.

Okay.

What's your costume?

Juvon.

Okay, that's... that's not really a costume.

Look, lady, I showed up, I said the thing, and opened my bag.

Are we gonna do this or what?

♪

Junior: Ugh, why'd they have to take over my bedroom?

Open up this door now, or else!

Dante: Or else what?

Or else I'll huff and I'll puff... what are you doing?

I'm panicking! I don't know!

Let's go, guys.

[Thudding, clattering]

Wait. Where are you going?

We're done. They won.

Won? Because of one minor setback?

You people are pathetic. You disgust me.

[Spits]

Jack: Ew.

[All groan] We don't have to get into the room to take them down.

We just have to get into their heads.

What are you talking about?

Psi-ops. Crush their morale.

Nicknames can hurt.

Dad is still crushed by "Tea Kettle."

You wear those for life. Right, long head?

Oh, my God. Gurkel's right.

Well played. That hurt.

But you know what hurts the most?

The brutal truth. [Clattering continues]

Hey, cousin Dante, your real dad was a Nigerian busboy your mom met at a carnival cruise.

Zoey: Whoa! Truth b*mb.

[Imitates bombs exploding] Let me try.

Hey, cousin Cha-Cha, look down at your sneakers.

Look closely. They're Air Jorbans!

Oh!

Let's go!

Yes!

What are those?!

♪

Lovely costumes.

Enjoy your candy.

And the word of God.

Really?

You're giving bibles to children on Halloween?

Your treats give children cavities.

Mine give them everlasting life.

Okay.

Trick or treat!

Oh.

Oh, the old wig switch!

That deserves more candy.

[Laughs] See, Ruby?

That's what Halloween's all about.

It's all in good fun.

[Sighs] Since when is fun making the first lady look like a sodomite?

It's just a dress.

Trick or treat!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You didn't even switch your wigs this time.

Come on.

Go ahead. You can go now.

Go ahead.

What?

Oh!

Did you just kick my frog?!

And so it has begun.

That wounded frog is no coincidence.

May God have mercy on our souls.

Mm-hmm.

Unh...

Rainbow: Dre?

Dre! Oh, hey.

Dre, we need to talk.

While I am enjoying the visiting trick-or-treaters immensely, uh, Janine got her ceramic frog broken.

[Scoffs]

That looks like your ceramic frog.

Oh, well, yeah, but Janine has one, too, and... what... what are you doing down there, anyway?

I-I'm fixing the sink, as I'm known to do.

Without any tools and w... crying?

Dre, are you crying?

Ain't nobody crying!

You're crying.

Ain't nobody crying!

The... there's a leak.

A-a-a-and the water leaked on my face, and I'm fixing the sink with my bare hands like a man!

But don't tell June Bug I'm up here because, you know, sink fixing is a... is a one-man job.

Dre, he's harmless. He's just a gentle giant.

Yeah, to you maybe.

He's probably just jealous.

I mean, look at your life compared to his.

I mean [Stammers]

Like, it's...

[Chuckles] Come on.

This alone is worthy of you getting b*at up.

You ain't wrong about that.

Ah, yeah, thank you.

Yeah.

You're right.

This thing between June Bug and me is silly.

Maybe I will go talk to him.

Aww, attaboy. I should probably run, too, 'cause I think Janine put the sprinklers on in our yard to discourage the trick-or-treaters from coming to our door.

She is a bad person.

Like, a bad, bad person, that Janine.

Hey, guys.

You ready to go trick-or-treating?

Nah. We not really feeling it.

Come on! It'll be fun.

If you want, you can even steal our costumes!

Don't patronize us, Andre Jr.

We get it. You have a real father.

And real Jordans.

Yep.

We're sorry about all that.

We took the low road and we know it.

It was really Diane's idea.

And I stand by it.

For what it's worth, we have no idea who Zoey's real father is.

[Chuckles] Pretty sure it's Rick Fox.

And that's supposed to make me feel better?

My dad's some busboy on a boat.

I bet he's a busman by now.

Or he's worked his way up to, like, captain.

[Scoffs] Yeah, right.

No, seriously.

[Somali accent] Look at me.

Look at me.

He is the captain now.

Uh, o-okay.

[Children shouting playfully]

I can't believe they didn't come with us.

They must've not seen "Captain Phillips."

We ruined them.

We completely broke their spirits.

I mean, we're monsters!

Amazing little monsters.

Oh, hold it, hold it.

Oh, watch out.

Oh. Whoa.

What the...

Hey, my candy!

[Laughs]

Zoey: Really, dude?

Oh. There you are, Junie.

Where you been hiding, man?

Look, I understand why you've been picking on me for all these years.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

It's because you think my life has always been easier than yours because I got out of the hood and I got it like this.

But you don't have to be intimidated by me, Junie.

I'm not better than you.

[Laughs] You sound stupid.

What?

Dre, I just won a $2 million police-brutality settlement.

Ain't nobody jealous of you.

I just like to hear you scream like a little bitch.

Uh...

Ouch!

Now say your name.

Dre!

Andre!

That isn't right.

Andre Johnson!

Say your real name!

Tea Kettle!

[High-pitch screaming]

Oh my God, hey!

Hey, no peeing in my bushes!

Oh... ahh.

Hello.

Well, aren't you just an adorable group of lady K*llers, eh?

Show us your [Bleep] [Bleep]

What?!

Yeah, put them on the glass, Flotus!

Dear God! [Laughter]

Oh, God.

Okay, they're just children.

Oh, they don't have arts programs.

They can't help themselves.

[Knock on door] Oh, my God!

[Crying]

Jack, it's okay. Stop crying.

W-what happened to you guys?

Nothing.

[Crying] I got jacked.

They took my candy.

Pathetic.

Go ahead. Call us weak.

We deserve it.

Oh, hell no!

Nobody messes with family.

She got that right. Throw me my Fadidas.

Oh.

♪ suckas like y'all is what I call wannabes ♪
♪ And ain't nothing compared to real Compton city G's ♪

Ruby: Dre, you in here?

Dre, what you doing in here?

I'm changing the oil in my car, as I am known to do.

[Singsong voice] Oh.

June Bug, I found him! He's in here!

Ma!

Why do you always do that?

It's like you want to see me get whooped.

Kind of like you want to see your own kids get whooped?

Look, that's different, okay?

I just want them to be tough.

Yeah, because you were a little punk.

What? Mama.

You listen to me, Mr. President.

June Bug is your savior!

Forgive me, Jesus.

What are you talking about?

Don't you remember all the times he b*at up the neighborhood kids for making fun of you?

And the teachers, also for making fun of you.

And, hey, what about your high-school graduation night?

You remember that?

You mean when we were rolling through Baldwin Hills?

He tried to k*ll me!

♪ Straight outta Compton ♪
♪ A brother with his finger on the trigger ♪
♪ More punks I take out, my rep gets bigger ♪ ooh!

♪ I'm a ruthless villain and you know this ♪
♪ But the suckas in the public won't show this ♪ oh! Aah!

Okay, maybe I should've had on my seat belt.

But still.

What you don't know, college boy, is he did that for a reason.

Yes. To laugh at my m*rder.

No. You were the one in the family that was going somewhere, and he did it to protect you.

♪ But I don't really care, I'ma make my snaps ♪
♪ If not from the records, from jackin' the craps ♪

[Siren wails] ♪ it's like burglary ♪
♪ The definition is jackin' ♪
♪ But when illegally armed, it's called packin' ♪

He pushed you out of that car because he knew if you got busted that night, it could cost you your scholarship.

I had no idea.

We didn't talk for years.

Maybe I have been too hard on June Bug.

Yeah, maybe.

He's a good man.

It is unfortunate he kidnapped those girls, though.

[Scoffs]

Bow? [Gasps]

You seen Junie?

What are you doing?

It's 9:00.

I feel like we owe it to Janine to shut down Halloween, immediately!

Janine is very scared!

But what about the trick-or-treaters and their candy?

Janine feels like [Bleep] them.

Uh...

[Indistinct shouting]

Are you sure Janine's the one with the problem, Bow?

Yeah, yeah.

'Cause she's outside doing the nae nae.

Okay, fine! It's me!

I'm Janine! I've always been Janine!

Okay, hold that thought.

What? June Bug!

Okay. Oh, God.

♪

Oh. Hey, man.

Yo, man.

Refrigerator game have exploded in the last five to seven years.

Look at that.

Oh, no doubt.

Look, look, junie.

I know you give me a hard time, but I also know that you look out for me.

You sound stupid.

No, man, I'm serious.

I'm trying to thank you.

You're like a brother to me.

That's real beautiful, man.

Come here, dawg.

That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. Come here, dawg.

Ow! Ow!

[High-pitch screaming]

What's your name, fool? What's your name, fool?!

[High-pitch screaming]

Huh?! What's your name, fool?!

So family toughens you up, but they also have your back.

Or in this case, your arm bent painfully behind your back.

Ow.

Meanwhile, my kids learned their cousins have their back, too.

That was amazing!

Dante: Yo, those kids went down quick.

Only one that scared me was that big Samoan dude.

Kinda seemed like an adult that was hitting children.

He's put that airbord over his head like a ***.

Thanks for having our back.

That's what family does, man.

Now give us all your candy.

Seriously, all of it.

Oh!

Do we look like we're playing?

I just fought a man.

True.

Go ahead brah.

Mm-hmm.

Man, have mine. I probably don't need it.

He don't.

True, but I do need this.

No you don't.

I love Halloween.