02x12 - Kitty Litter and a Class A Felony

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Mom...

Christy: This is Christy Plunkett, Roscoe's mom.

I'm gonna be keeping him home today.

No, no, no, um, not sick.

He lost his grandpa.

I spoke to Alvin's ex-wife this morning.

Yeah?

She doesn't want us to come to the funeral.

Alvin and I had our problems, but just before he d*ed, he came to me and begged me to take him back.

I can't listen to this.

Get your...

Stay.

He admitted he'd made some mistakes.

Two of them are here today.

Okay, that's it.

Hold my new purse.

I should have just let her drink.

Hey, guys.

Well, look who finally showed up for work.

I mean, so sorry to hear your father passed away.

Thanks.

Really wish I'd gotten to meet...

...Abner.

His name was Alvin.

And you did meet him.

You've been in this country 30 years.

When are you gonna lose the accent?

Hey, Gabriel.

Hey, you.

Welcome back.

Thanks.

Ah, this must be hard.

Is it hard?

It seems like it would be hard.

No, I'm doing okay.

I think work will help keep my mind off it.

Really? 'Cause if you need a few days, you can take them.

No, I'm good.

Thanks.

Hi.

Any questions about the menu?

Is your risotto vegan?

No, it's made with chicken stock.

Ugh, could my day get any worse?

Yeah, your father could die!

Okay, I might need a few more days.

Bill, bill, bill.

Ugh, I am so screwed.

(whoops sarcastically)

Bank of America wants to give me a new credit card.

Those idiots.

Bonnie: You have no right to take his stuff!

Lorraine: Yes, I do, he was my husband.

What's going on?

Maleficent here is stealing all your dad's things.

It is not stealing... he left everything to me.

Hey, my daughter and I are in that will, too.

Not according to my lawyer.

I guess you didn't mean as much to him as you thought you did.

Keep telling yourself that; he loved me.

(scoffs) Don't talk about love.

Alvin and I were together for 30 years.

And from what he told me, so were your legs.

That's right, you heard me.

Okay, time to go inside.

Let's go inside.

You're disgusting.

Alvin didn't think so.

I was his last meal.

Then he must have d*ed of food poisoning.

When his soul left his body, it migrated to my hoo-ha.

You're a sick woman.

(with a deep voice): "Lorraine, it's Alvin!

Give 'em my stuff!"

Okay, that's enough.

"Also, you're a hose-bag!"

Okay...

I'm only gonna say this once: The whole dead dad-vag*na bit... never want to see it again.

"Oh, lighten up!"

Before we start, I just want to express my condolences for your loss.

Thank you.

I would also want to take the opportunity to say what a delight it is to have your daughter helping me out at my office.

She's a hard worker, she's very sharp...

Yeah, she's a gem. How much is this gonna cost me?

Don't worry, Mom, Steve's helping us for free.

Or, as we call it in the legal profession, pro Bono.

Anyway, went down to the courthouse, spoke to the court clerk.

The "court clerk" is basically a secretary for the court.

Okay.

And while I was there, I petitioned for a copy of the will.

A "petition" is a formal request.

Right.

So we could find out if you were named beneficiaries.

A "beneficiary" is one who benefits...

Oh, my God, stop.

All right, give me the bottom line.

The will that's on file with the court is from 15 years ago.

It doesn't mention you or Christy.

Yeah, but what about the new will?

He told my mom that he had a new one made that took care of us.

He did, but according to his lawyer, he never got around to signing it.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God.

And of course that's not gonna happen now that he's, you know, dead.

How much was it gonna be?

You don't want to know... you'll just get upset.

Tell me.

Yeah, let's hear it.

A hundred grand.

Son of a bitch!

Just k*ll me.

Okay, what if I were to tell you that there was a third will, that he did sign?

Is there?

There could be.

Mom...

What?

I've got that bogus notary stamp.

All I need is a sample of his handwriting.

Mom!

Work with me!

Hey.

Hi.

Oh, good, you made it.

Mind moving over?

Just sit here. (pats the seat)

No, that's my seat.

Come on, scooch.

Mom, there's plenty of other spots.

No, everybody knows on Tuesday nights, I sit there.

Well, why don't you shake it up tonight?

Sit here.

I don't want to sit there, I want to sit there 'cause that's my seat.

Mom, let it go.

No.

Move.

Okay, I'm not rewarding this behavior.

Find another seat.

Come on, it's just a chair.

It's not just a chair!

It's my whole damn life!

Things I love keep getting taken away!

My childhood, my home, my dr*gs and alcohol, and now Alvin!

So you listen to me, old woman!

I am drawing a line in the sand, and the sand is that chair!

Now move your ass!

Thank you.

Ah, damn it, now I have to go to the bathroom.

So, how you doing?

Here we go.

Thanks again for seeing me.

It's very kind of you.

Yes, it is.

Is this Alvin?

Lorraine: Yes.

I didn't know he wanted to be cremated.

He didn't.

Now, what can I do for you?

Well, (clears throat) first of all, I want to apologize for my mom's behavior.

Bet you've been doing that your whole life.

Pretty much, yeah.

But in her defense...

Yeah...?

The point is...

...she's just as devastated as you are by Alvin's death.

Are you really comparing my loss to your mother's?

No, of course not.

I'm not here for her, I'm here for my kids.

I'm sure you know that Alvin wrote a second will.

Which he never signed or filed, what a shame, go on.

Right.

Um, what you may not know is, um, the money he set aside for me and my kids would be a real life-changer.

You know what was a real life-changer for me?

Finding out my husband had a daughter he never told me about.

Yeah.

That's got to be rough.

But on the plus side, I hear she's a great gal.

So all that stuff about you being a pole dancer and a drunk isn't true?

Anymore.

Well, you've given me a lot to think about.

I understand this is difficult, so take all the time you need.

No.

No, you don't need a lot of time?

No, you're not getting a penny.

I'm standing, do you know what that means?

Okay, well... (sighs)

I guess there's nothing left to say.

I'll let myself out.

You know, if I wasn't such a great gal, I would tell you to go screw yourself.

So instead I will say, "Good day."

She had him cremated?!

Yeah.

That vindictive bitch!

Come on, Mom, what difference does it make?

I'll tell you what difference it makes.

Now I can never visit him.

If there was a grave, I could go visit.

You know what?

You can visit him in your heart.

No such place.

Please, you need to let this go.

Yeah, I'll let it go right after I...

You know what?

Never mind.

No, n-no! No!

I mind!

Right after you what?

Bonnie: Not important!

Christy: Why are you putting your shoes on?

Bonnie: Here, put this shirt in the laundry for me.

Christy: Mom...

Bonnie: Never forget, I love you.

Christy: Okay, you're really freaking me out now.

I'll see you later.

This doesn't feel like you're letting it go.

Hey, my pajamas are in the bathroom, will you toss those in, too?

I'm sorry, but until you tell me what's going on, I am not letting you leave this house.

Hey!

Bonnie: Christy, wake up.

Hiya.

Where have you been?

Righting a wrong.

Oh, God.

What'd you do?

Lorraine might have the money, but I have Alvin.

And a sandwich?

So, what, you broke in and stole his ashes?

Yes.

But I left the urn.

That's the genius.

Lorraine will never know.

Oh, Mom...

She'll just be talking to an empty urn, but we'll be talking to the real guy.

Right, honey?

Oh, Mom!

Do we have any Tupperware to put him in until I find something nice?

We have to take him back.

Oh, no, no! That's crazy!

Yeah, now, see, you're not allowed to use that word anymore.

You think he'll fit in here?

You can't put him in Roscoe's thermos!

Well, why not?

It'll keep him cool.

Or warm.

(singsong): Cra-zy.

Here, hold your father.

I'll get a funnel.

I get that she's grieving, but I'm at my wit's end.

I don't know what to do.

How 'bout nothing?

What?!

My mother broke into this woman's house and stole my father's ashes.

Yeah, but the woman doesn't know.

She'll never know.

I thought part of being sober was being rigorously honest.

Eh... let's say rigor-ish.

No, I can't live with this.

Maybe I could return him to his sons, so it doesn't become a whole thing.

Well, switching out his ashes worked once.

Why wouldn't it work again?

That's good.

But I need something, you know, to put in the thermos.

For heft.

How 'bout kitty litter?

How 'bout I love you?

The only problem is getting the thermos away from her.

She takes his ashes around with her?

This morning, they went to the DMV.

Hey.

What are you doing up?

Thirsty.

Is that kitty litter?

Yes, it is.

Are we getting a cat?

No.

I'm allergic to cats.

Then what are you doing?

We're getting a cat.

(blowing)

Christy?

Yeah?

Close the window, there's a breeze.

Yeah, you got it.

(imitates creaking window frame)

Thank you.

Sweet dreams, Mom.

Christy?

Yeah?

I'm sorry, it's a little stuffy.

Open the window?

(imitates creaking window frame)

So, long story short, I just wanted to return my dad.

Your dad. Our dad.

You don't have to weigh him, he's all there.

Wait a minute... i-if this is him, then what's in the urn at our house?

According to my mom, Grape-Nuts.

Then what does your mother have in her urn?

I went with kitty litter.

Scoopable. Unscented.

Okay, fine, but why aren't you returning this to our mother?

I was actually hoping we could keep this between us and you could just switch out the Grape-Nuts with...

Toasted Daddy-O's.

(laughing): It is kind of funny, if you think about it.

Mom's been yelling at part of a balanced breakfast.

This isn't a joke.

Her mom stole Dad's ashes because she couldn't steal his money.

Excuse me, she was not trying to steal his money.

Alvin wanted to leave us something, but...

You know what, that's, um, not why I'm here.

I just wanted to return him.

I'm sorry I dragged you into this.

Your mom's crazy.

Yes, she is.

But she also really loved your father.

So did I.

This is crap.

I-I've got a business to run.

Sorry about him.

I wish I could say he's been kind of a douche since Dad d*ed, but the truth is, he has always been kind of a douche.

Please.

It's cool.

We've all been through a lot.

Yeah, I haven't been sleeping so good.

Neither have I.

Thank God for weed, huh?

Yeah, I can't do that anymore, 'cause I'm... sober.

Oh, right.

How's that working out for you?

Well, pretty good.

Except when your dad dies, of course.

And then you feel sad, but you can't drink anything to make you not feel sad, so you just feel sad and, as you know, feeling sad is... sad.

I'd like to say I know what you're talking about, but I've been so baked since the funeral I can barely see you.

(TV playing indistinctly)

Ooh, Ice Road Truckers.

Are you serious?

What? Your father loves that show.

Come on, Mom.

You get that he's not really here.

I know that.

But it comforts me, okay?

Okay.

There you go.

(knocking on door)

You two sit. I got it.

Hi.

How's it going?

Hey.

This is a surprise.

Come on in.

Sure.

You remember my mom.

Hi.

Hi.

Did she send you?

No, she doesn't know we're here.

And she doesn't know about this, either.

I don't understand.

Open it.

Oh, my God, that's a lot of money.

Yeah, I'm generally the good brother, but it was actually his idea.

Why?

It was what Dad wanted.

And I'm not always a douche.

Douglas, uh, went through the books at the body shop and "discovered" that you have been working there for almost two years without being paid.

If it makes you feel any better, you're Employee of the Month.

Mom, look at this.

Did I, maybe, work at the body shop, too?

No, you did not.

You guys, this is... so generous.

Douglas: Nah.

Oh.

Thank you.

I hate not having Alvin around, but I sure do like having brothers.

It's nice havin' a sister.

Yeah.

Okay, well, um...

I guess we'll be seeing you around.

Bye.

Wait.

There's something I have tell you.

I have your father.

What's that, now?

Here.

He-he should be with you.

Uh, well, I don't understand.

Your mother has an urn filled with high-fiber cereal on her mantle.

This is your father.

Okay, um... well, I... I'm surprised.

Douglas?

Shocked and dismayed.

I'm really sorry.

Nicely done.

Do you guys want to hang out for a while?

Have a cup of coffee?

Yeah, I'd-I'd like that.

Sounds good.

You know what?

This is a moment we should remember.

Let's take a picture, all right?

Okay.

Ready?

And... cheese!

(phone chimes)

That bitch.

It's so beautiful here, Alvin.

I thought you might like it.

Oh, it's perfect.

Like you.

Hey, do you remember that scene in From Here to Eternity with Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr when they make love on the sand with the surf washing over 'em?

Oh, that was so hot.

Do you want to try it?

Really? Why don't we just wrap your penis in sandpaper?

Come on, anybody can have sex in a bed.

(sighs) All right, but just so we're clear, I'm Burt, you're Deborah.

Deal.

(soft chuckle)

Hey.

He'll always be mine, you'll never have...