01x08 - Episode Eight

Episode transcripts for the TV show "You, Me and the Apocalypse". Aired September 30 - December 2, 2015.
"You, Me and the Apocalypse" follows what happens when an eclectic group of individuals are forced to survive together as an eight-mile wide comet heads towards Earth.
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01x08 - Episode Eight

Post by bunniefuu »

If Saviour fails, we're d*ad! We're all d*ad!

Including your sister. So if you love her and want to take her alive tell me where she is.

I love you. I'm sorry!


Seven years!

All it would have taken was one message just to put me out of my misery.

No. I couldn't risk Ariel finding us.

Celine, I've been a priest for 20 years.

I've never broken my vows, and I don't think you should, either.

I love you.

This is bigger than us.


She's gone!

Your brother.

♪ I can see clearly now the rain is gone... ♪

See that? That's what's gonna k*ll everyone.

Any second now.

Yep, it's Judgement Day.

The actual Apocalypse.

And where am I?

In Slough. Or, rather, under Slough.

One minute, now. One minute.

These pictures coming live to us from Hubble.

We could be trapped here for months.

Years, even.

What do we do when we run out of conversation?

I'm hopeless at small talk.

It's time to brace ourselves to say goodbye.

The world waits with bated breath.

In a few short hours, we'll know whether Operation Saviour has succeeded and whether Mankind has a future.

Reporter: I'm here outside Mission Control.

The media aren't allowed in.

But we understand the Saviour team have been working through the night to make sure that everything goes to plan.

The hopes of the entire human race rest on the shoulders of these men and women.

One can only imagine what's going through their minds right now.

These pictures are coming live from the Saviour craft, sir.

Well, not exactly live.

There's a time delay because of the distances involved.

Of course.

Could... could you explain to me the exact sequence of events?



Yeah, of course.


OK, well, if we use this muffin as the comet.


And this banana as the craft.


Now, once our craft is in the comet's orbit...

... the craft... will split in two.

And this bit, the leader, slams into the comet in order to make a crater.

And the follower, which has the nukes in it, hits the crater a few seconds later and then...

( Food splats on floor )

It's kind of like a boxing combo, sir.

One, two punch, right?

We only need to knock the comet off its current course by a couple of degrees for it to miss Earth.

When we first met, you said the chances of this working were one in three.


Do you still think that?

Well, we've done better than I hoped.

And right now I'd say... I'd say we're 50/50.

Good work, soldier.

Thank you, Mr President.

( Knocking )

One moment!

( Whispering )

Just stay right here. Go.


I thought I heard... voices.

That's often the first sign of madness.

To what do I owe this pleasant visit?

The cardinals request your presence at an urgent meeting to discuss the implications of Operation Saviour.

They would like a full status report on all your would-be Messiahs.


Where were we?


I don't want to have to hide in closets.

I know.

We both agreed that our work is too important to walk away from it.

We have to finish what we started.

How long will that take?

I wish I knew.

I wish it didn't have to be like this, but...

I had a dream last night.

Me and you in Florence, watching the sunset, holding hands.

It sounds cliché, I know.

But it was wonderful.

Just you and me.

A man and a woman being ordinary people.

And then I wake up.

And before I know it, I'm in the closet.

I've never been to Florence.

I wish I could give that to you.

But... we have to finish...

I know.

Every day for a week and you find nothing!

So you can get off your arses and find my daughter, you muppet!


She's just stressed. Thank you, sir.

Thanks, guys. See you tomorrow.

How was that helping Frankie?

We need them on side!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap.

No. I like it when you snap.

I like it when you show some oomph.

We need more oomph, cos no-one else is gonna help us find our daughter, Jamie.

You can forget the police!

Let's not do anything hasty.

Jamie, we could be d*ad in a week!

If we're not gonna do hasty things now, then when are we?

All Frankie's got is us, and we're failing her.

Putting up posters and doing Facebook appeals is getting us no closer to finding your brother.

OK. Well, what else can we do?

( Exasperated cry )

I don't know.

I only ran to keep Frankie safe, to keep her away from Ariel. And it's made no difference, has it?

He's got her anyway.

I failed.

( Metallic clattering )

( Clattering continues )

What's that? What are you making?

Eat your peas.

I hate peas.

And I hate you.

Why don't you like my real dad?

Why do you wear those gloves?

Why don't you like getting your hands dirty?

Oh, my God, do you ever shut up?

( Irritating high-pitched whine )

What do I have to do to make you stop?


I'm not giving you sweets. They're bad for you.

I'll wet myself.

And you'll have to clean it up.

And then I'll wet myself again.

( High-pitched whining )

Fine! I'll get you sweets!

Mum says Dave's feeling a bit better today.

She's just given him a bed bath.

Actually, that's weird. Why is she texting me that?

Jamie, look.

Have you ever seen the Severn?

How's that helping, Jamie? How's that a helpful comment?

No. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

That's Ariel's handwriting.

Good grief, there's poetry!

What's he saying?

It says he's still in love with me.

And if I go back to him, nothing happens to Frankie.

And then it gets a bit p*rn.

No, make that very p*rn.

Then it says he's gonna call me later and tell me where to go.


Why are you smiling?

Don't you get it?

We've got something he wants.


We've got leverage.

Jamie, how would you feel about taking me hostage?


What are you doing? This is Father Jude's room.

Please tell me you haven't.

Come with me, child. We must talk.

Do you believe in hell?



I know it is fashionable to believe it is a metaphor, but it is not. It is real.

A place of infinite misery and torment.

The Final Judgement could be just days away, Celine.

You have picked a terrible moment to break your vow of chastity.

At least go to Confession.

I don't want to repent.

I love him. How can love be bad?

It isn't. But hypocrisy is.

You must make a choice.

God, Jude, the Sisterhood.

You can have two, but only two. It is that simple.

If you wish to stay with him, you must leave the order and he must leave the priesthood.

And you can live as man and wife in God's grace.

He says he cannot. That we must finish what we started.

Then open your eyes, my child. He does not love you.

How could it be love if he could put your soul in danger?

You must make your choice today.

I know your heart is good.

But if you die in sin, then you will burn in hell for ever.

And so will Jude.



What is it?

We need to talk.

I'm with the cardinals.

Jude, now!

What's going on? Why are you so upset?

I want you to leave the priesthood today.

OK. What's happening? Where's this coming from?

What we are doing is wrong. And we both know it.

You say you hate lies and hypocrisy. We are the biggest liars.

No more hiding in cupboards, in closets. I want you, Jude.

I want you, too, but it's not that simple.

It is.

Leave with me today.

Let's live honestly. I want you more than any of this.

This is bigger than us. It is.

And I'm not done.

We were damned the moment we slept together.

I hear you. We'll talk later.

Oh, hey!

How are you?

Oh, thanks, guys!

Such sweeties.

Shut up, McNeil.

They cr*ck me up! They're doing this whole Abu Ghraib thing.

It's hilarious!

OK. Bye!

We'll talk about all the shoe stuff later.

Are you OK?

You have to get me out of here.

Why am I even on a m*llitary base?

The President imposed a state of emergency.

The judicial process has been suspended in favour of m*llitary tribunals.

Your chances of getting a fair trial are zero.

I have rights!

No, Rhonda, you don't have any rights whatsoever.

The State will seek the death penalty for you.

And what's more, they'll probably get it.

And? And? What's our strategy?



Get down on your knees and pray.

Pray that Saviour works. Pray that the rockets h*t.

Pray that the comet misses.

Pray that the state of emergency gets lifted and you get a proper trial.

Goodbye, Rhonda.

JAMIE: This is insane! It makes no sense whatsoever.

He's never gonna believe that I've snapped and taken you hostage!

Jamie, I hate to break it to you, but you are absolutely 100 per cent the type to snap.

Tightly wound, lower-middle management with a disastrous love life.

You've got potential sh**ting spree written all over you.

You can do this. Look at me. Look at me.

You are the sweetest, kindest man I have ever known, but that is no good to us now.

( Mobile rings )

Please, Jamie, for our daughter.

I need you to be a d*ck. You can do it.


No. Jamie.

You must be my brother.

I don't want to talk to you. I want to speak to Hawkwind.

Well, I'm getting a little bored of what you want.

Let's talk about what I want.

That's not how this works.

It is now.

You've taken my daughter hostage.

So I've taken our wife hostage.

You want Hawkwind back?

Fine. Let's swap.


Nice try, Jamie, but I don't believe you.

You still love her.

You think so? After everything she put me through?

I know all about that game you played with me.

I know Layla was just a fiction.

And I know I wasted years of my life on a lie.

So, no.

How could I love someone who betrayed me like that?

Who hurt me more than anyone else, including you.

Congratulations, Ariel.

You broke me.

So if you think for one second I'm the same Jamie I was, you are sorely mistaken!

Now we are doing things my way.

First, I want to know Frankie's OK.

So put her on.


It's your dad. Say something.

Hi, Dad!

Hey, Frankie, are you OK?

Yeah. He's given me all the sweets I want.

And I don't have to eat anything else.

There. Happy?

You can't just give her sweets, you d*ck!

She needs her five a day!

OK. My turn. Put Hawkwind on.

Husband number one wants a word.


I'm so scared!

He's cracked!

You have to get me out of here.

What's he done to you?

He's got... he's got my foot in a food processor!

Please. Please, Ariel, help me.

Just do what he says.

You heard her! Now, do as I say, or else!

Jamie, what the f*ck?!

You do not put people's feet in food processors!

There's a line even in these kind of situations and you've...


You don't get to lecture me.

You're not running things. I am.

And if you want to see her alive, you meet me a five o'clock in the car park Mary left me in.

You bring back-up, Layla dies.

You've got three seconds to answer me.





You did it!


But that was the easy bit.

( Tv silent )

Claimant Paul of Swansea?

No, I told you. He's just a cheap stage psychic.

Claimant Jane Doe of Warsaw. The new Messiah?

No. No, absolutely not.

Is that the six-year-old who rose from the d*ad?

I thought she sounded promising.

Well, she wasn't.

She's just an ordinary little girl. We should leave her be.

What is going on here?

And enough with the stolen glances.

If you two want to screw, get a room!

Jude! Language!
What is going on here? I've never seen these two before.

And why are we meeting down here?

Consider this an informal steering committee to discuss the theological implications of the current situation.

We know the candidates are, on the whole, unsatisfactory.

But with our future dependent on these Messiahs, we must have a contingency. Yes?

A contingency?

T-minus one minute.

Roger. One minute and counting.

Case status. Updates, please.

Guidance systems.

Guidance systems, go.


Engineering, go.


Comms are go.


Pyros, go.


Detonators, go.

Thank you.

All systems go.

Good luck, everyone.

If Saviour succeeds, we have no problem. The world is not ending.

It is not The Final Judgement.

But if Saviour fails, the end really is nigh.

Is it fair to send the faithful to their graves, stripped of all hope?

This is the dawn of a new American century, General. I can feel it.

This is about looking the Chinese in the eye and saying, "We still run this shit!"

Screw four more years.

If this works, they'll put me on Rushmore.

Do you mind, sir? We're trying to work here.

The people need hope.

We promised them a Messiah.

So we must give them one.

Whether we believe in him or not is inconsequential.

T-minus ten.







Are you saying what I think you're saying?

... Two.



But I would say... I would say 60/40, Mr President.


You can use all of the flowery language that you want, but a false Messiah is a false Messiah.

And if you anoint one, you're the f*cking anti-Christ!

Father Jude, I object to both your choice of language AND your insinuation.

Really? My choice of language is the problem here?!

I mean, what is going on?

If the press found out about this...

What is said between these walls stays between these walls.

Does the Pope know about this?

Of course not!

So am I really the only one amongst you with the b*lls to stand up for the truth?

Why? Why on earth do you own a g*n?!

I'm a single mother living on a boat, Jamie.

You get it doesn't actually work, right?

It doesn't even work?

It's for show, OK?

It's a deterrent. All you do is wave it around and make him think you're dangerous.

I still think we should call Mum and Dave.

The less moving parts this plan's got, the better.

All we've got to do is swap me for Frankie.

And then when you've got her safe, and I'm close enough, that is when I spray him.

That?! That's what we're pinning our hopes on?!

He's gonna have a g*n, Layla.

No, I'm calling Mum.


Why did you do that?

See? You're completely defenceless.

This is when we'll be kicking him in the b*lls. Very simple.



Oh, my eyes! I can't see!

This is... genius!

Ha! This could actually work!

Yes. I told you. See? I told you.

Yeah. Oh!

Oh, we've planned!

Has the blast succeeded in knocking the comet off course?

The Saviour team are checking and double-checking their calculations before making the announcement.

In the meantime, all we can do is wait.

Wait and pray.

We are all hypocrites, Jude.

At least I have the decency to admit it.

Please be practical.

We need solutions.

Not unbending fundamentalism!

Fundamental?! I'm not a fu...

How did I get on this side of the argument?

You would have every Catholic die without hope and for what?

You have made your choice, Sister?

My vows. I choose my vows.

It's time to admit our faith has failed.

Christ is not returning.


You've given up on him.

But I have not.


I move we put this to a vote.

Who votes to anoint our best current candidate?

Your Eminence, please...

Do not do this.

I'm sorry, Father. I believe we have a duty to the faithful.


Are we done?

Yes, I'm done.

Father, come on. Enough of this.

What are you doing?

You're right. I'm a liar.

And a hypocrite.

I thought I was doing God's work, but...

He's out there.

He's not in here.

And I was a fool to think that he was.

I want to be a good man.

Father, I must remind you that this conversation is held in the strictest confidence.

Go f*ck yourself.

Jamie, whatever happens, promise me you'll get Frankie out of here.

I'm not leaving you with my brother.

Just promise, please.

If anything happens to me...

... her bedtime's half seven. She'll tell you it's eight, but it's not.

Except on Saturday.

And she says she's not afraid of the dark, but she is, really, so... always leave her door a little open and a light on in the hall.

You don't have to do this.

And never leave her with a whole pack of sweets, cos she scoffs the lot and then pukes!

What else?

Oh, the bloody giraffe outfit. OK.

She won't let you wash it.

But I've secretly got three of them, so you have to sneak in while she's asleep and swap in a clean one, otherwise she stinks.

One other thing.

She doesn't have a bedtime story.

So she can't get to sleep unless you...

We always watch your videos together.

The ones for me you put on the internet.

You watched them?

Every night.

And then when she was asleep, I'd watch them again.

Just for me.

( Tyres squeal )

Make out I'm hostage!

( Screech of brakes )

Stay there!

Don't come any closer!

Where's your g*n?

I haven't got one.

I thought we were just swapping.

I didn't realise the dress code was "heavily armed".

I must say I'm disappointed, Jamie.

This is very ungentlemanly behaviour.

Yeah. Well, look what you've reduced me to.

You and your game.

Ah, doofus!

Years of pleasure, that gave me!

It's funny. I always thought it would end with you hanging yourself or stepping in front of a train.

Never thought you'd go... psycho!

Where's Frankie?

Open your mouth. Make any sound. You know what happens, right?

Click, click.

Out you come, poppet.


Here she is.


Hello, Frankie!

OK. Send her over.

Well, obviously that's not gonna happen, Jamie.

We're gonna send them across at the same time, aren't we?

On three.




It's alright. Everything's alright.

What is that?

I figured you'd have some half-arsed plan up your sleeve, so I thought it only right to go tit-for-tat.

Just keep in mind, whatever it is you're planning, you do not want me to let go of this button!

It's in the giraffe.

( Beeping )


Looks like you brought a g*n to a b*mb fight!

Schoolboy error, Jamie.

Schoolboy error!

Think this through.

You sh**t, I let go.


Drop the g*n.

That's it.

And whatever else you've got planned, don't even think about it.

OK. Just tell me what to do to keep her safe and I'll do it. Tell me.

Whatever it is, whatever it is, just tell me.

Put it on.

Ariel, no!

I'm only doing this because I love you.

I just want us to be a normal married couple.

And that means losing the other husband!

I'm not a bad man!

You just...

You make me do bad things!

You look like such a bad end!

Now, get on your knees!

OK, Frankie.

Go to your mum.

Come on, Frankie.

Come on, sweetheart. It's OK. Come to me. Come on.

( b*mb continues to bleep )

Uncle Ariel...

I said, "Go to your mum!"

I've eaten too many sweets.

Don't you dare!


Jamie! Jamie!

Run! Get out of here!

What the hell are you doing?

Having a cuddle with my long-lost brother!

We've had our differences, but I'm sure we can iron them out!

Go on! Let go of the button!

I dare you!


What exactly are we doing here? What's your plan?

Sooner or later, you're gonna get tired.


Then again, sooner or later, I'm gonna wet myself and you hate mess, don't you?

So how are you gonna cope with my wee trickling down your leg?

Nice try, Jamie!

Nice try!

But the doofus was never gonna win at Doofus.

Any last words?

Go on, beg!


Kind of appropriate.

Even your death is anti-climactic!


( He screams in pain )

Dad, you were awesome!

You can't be here. It's not safe.

It's OK. Uncle Ariel ran away.

He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.

I helped, didn't I? With my sick.

Yes. So no more sweets for you.


Aw! Dad?

Well, that's the end of the giraffe outfit, then.

Mum, I know you've got spares.


( Jamie chuckles )

What the hell's taking so long?

I just asked them to triple-check their calculations.


Repeat. Shanghai.


Did it work?

Mr President, I'm afraid Operation Saviour has failed.

( Anguished gasps )

We diverted it, but not enough.

It's still going to h*t Earth.

Scotty, get him out of here as soon as you can.

Mr President. Mr President, this way.

All external comms down.

They've cut us off!

Get back!

OK. We're just getting some breaking news here.

And it's the news we've all been hoping for.

We have official confirmation from Mission Control that Operation Saviour has succeeded.

That's wrong! All wrong!

For your own good, stand back!

And a tweet here from Jacob Gardiner, one of the Saviour scientists.

He just says, "We did it! ♪You're welcome Earth."

What the hell's that? I didn't tweet that!

Who's doing this?

You son of a bitch! You lied to me!

( g*n )

♪ I want your body, everybody wants your body ♪
♪ So let's jack ♪
♪ Well, let's jack ♪
♪ I want your body, everybody wants your body ♪
♪ So let's jack ♪
♪ Come on, let's jack ♪
♪ I want your body, everybody... ♪

( Dance music blares out )

♪ I want your body, everybody wants your body ♪
♪ So let's jack... ♪


Is Sister Celine here?

No, no, no, no, Father. Get out. You cannot be here.

She has made her choice, Father.

Is it always like this in here?

Haven't you heard? The world is saved!

Yes. I will drink to that.

We have a future!

Which is why I need to speak with her.

Haven't you hurt her enough?

Yes, I have.

That's why I'm here.

No. Sorry, Father.

Please. Give her this.

Tell her I'm done.

And now that there's a future, I want to spend it with my wife.

Yes. We were married.

Isn't it amazing? And we haven't had a honeymoon!

We will go to Florence and we will tourist the shit out of that place!

You don't have to say "shit". But try to convey my passion.

Always wanted to visit a convent.

This is exactly as I hoped it would be!

♪ Let's jack... ♪

Party on!

( Gargles )

( Clears throat )

A little more on my forehead. It looks shiny.

Seven salty sailors sailed the seven seas.

Seven salty sailors sailed the seven seas.

Seventy-seven salty sailors sailed the seven seas.

Are you comfortable with the speech, sir?

Sure! I've done this a million times!

Five, four...

My fellow citizens, I am proud to be speaking to you from Operation Saviour mission control.

This is undoubtedly the most historic speech I will ever make.

Also the most pleasurable.

Never before have we, as a collective, faced such a mighty challenge to our existence and to our planet.

It gives me great pleasure, pride and honour to formally announce the unqualified success of Operation Saviour.

They h*t it!


( Inmates cheer )

That was my brother!

My brother did that!

♪ You better run ♪
♪ There's a storm comin' ♪
♪ Goodbye to the sun... ♪

I would like to personally thank the men and women of Operation Saviour who've worked tirelessly around the clock for the last 27 days. Now our future is assured, we must decide what kind of future we wish to have. Will we revert to our old ways? Or will we seize this chance to start afresh? Can we overcome the weight of our history, put aside our differences and forge a new way of living? A more peaceful, harmonious life for the sake of our children? It is not often life gives us a chance to start over. Let's not waste it. Let's remember how united we feel right now. One planet. One race. The future is bright. The future is everyone's.

Thank you.

And we're clear.

Thank you, everyone. Thank you.

Mr McNeil, we'll speak about everything tomorrow.


♪ Take a last look ♪
♪ The sky's got a hangman's noose ♪
♪ Shaping all the storms ♪
♪ And then you found such inner faith ♪
♪ Got nothin' to lose ♪
♪ The hangman showed you a window ♪
♪ To a place... ♪

( Gaines sobs )

I love you, Scotty!

I love you!


( Sobs uncontrollably )

♪ There's a storm comin' ♪
♪ And you'd better run ♪
♪ There's a storm comin' ♪
♪ You'd better ♪
♪ Run, boy, run ♪
♪ You'd better run ♪
♪ There's a storm comin'... ♪

Rhonda McNeil, I find you guilty of all charges.

I sentence you to death by hanging at midnight tonight.

He was having a breakdown.

He committed su1c1de.

You lied to my son!

Yeah. So did you.


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