01x01 - Pilot

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Highston". Aired: November 5, 2015 to present.
Highston Liggetts is a kind and curious 19-year-old struggling to find his place in a world he doesn't quite understand. To help him cope, Highston imagines a constantly changing roster of celebrity friends who provide him with comfort and advice - much to the concern of his bewildered but empathetic extended family.
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01x01 - Pilot

Post by bunniefuu »

So... your son imagines that celebrities are his friends.

That's right.

And do you feel this delusion is harmful to him?

We're not sure. It just doesn't seem normal.

Some of them have actually helped him, I think.

That's right. You wouldn't think it, because she's kind of slutty-like, but Madonna had some very good advice.

Madonna? The pop singer?

I believe she also acts.

She told Highston to stay in school and always wear a condom.

You know who gave him appalling advice was that Daniel-Day Lewis.

[groans] That's true.

I cannot watch another one of his films after what he said to our boy. What a wacko.

Although I did catch "There Will Be Blood" recently and liked it.

The title spoiled it for me.

I like to be surprised as to whether or not there will be blood.

Mom, there's no blood, there's no movie.

Now... you're talking about an imaginary Daniel Day-Lewis, not the real one.

Oh, yes, he's never met the real Daniel Day-Lewis, just the one who's not real.

Highston. That's an unusual name.

He's named after my grandpa Highston who was a hero in World w*r II.

He even earned a medal.

What was he awarded for?

Uh, he was tortured.

Well, those n*zi could be cruel.

Oh, no, it was friendly t*rture.


It was his own troops who tortured him.

My God, that's awful. They mistook him for the enemy?

Oh, no, they knew exactly what they were doing.

And you're Highston's Uncle Billy?

Well, I wasn't present for the conception so I just have to take their word for it.

Okay. But I understand you live with the family.

Do you feel Highston should be in a psychiatric facility?

I feel, if Highston belongs in a psychiatric facility, we all belong in a psychiatric facility, so I'd have to say yes.

Okay. Do you think that Highston will agree to treatment?

Depends on who his friend is today.

If it's someone nice like Meryl Streep, she'll probably be able to talk him into it.

Yeah, but if it's an assh*le like Donald Tr*mp, it might be tough.


Hi, Flea.

Hello, Highston Liggetts.

I'm a big fan.

I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

"Scar Tissue", that's one of my favorite songs.

Well, thank you very much. Thank you, Highston.

I always think of you as the consummate musician.


No, really.

I mean, you are a true artist who follows his muse no matter what the consequences.

You've honored your unique talents by not whoring yourself for commercial gain, and that's truly admirable.

It's a rare and beautiful thing these days not to be a whore.

Those are such kind words, Highston.

Flea: So what can I do for you?

Well, there is something that I've been wrestling with.

Your parents wanting to institutionalize you?

Oh, no, I figure they must have their reasons.

Then what is it?

I was wondering... where all matter comes from.


Well, there's definitely a lot of math and science involved, and if you got to the bottom of all that, I wouldn't rule out divine magic.

You know, I mean, Einstein always said, when you get all those equations, at the bottom of it was God, you know?

Who really knows?

But what I think is that I don't know.

Highston, would you join us, please?

Have a seat.

So, Highston, how are you feeling?

I feel great. Thank you for asking.

Is there anyone with you today?

Yes. Flea.

Oh, for f*ck sake.

Bud, don't say "f*ck."

What's a Flea?

The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Don't you guys remember him playing in just a sock?

Well, that's dangerous. You should have two socks in case of splinters.

No, Mom, not his feet.



Oh! Chili Peppers!

Never cared for their music.

Oh, Flea can hear you.

Tell Flea I'm sorry.

f*ck you, you pompous brain diddling assh*le.

Did Flea say something?

He said, "Apology accepted."

Flea is a musical genius.

And anyone who doesn't recognize that can kiss my ass.

Well, thank you, Billy.

Listen to Flea play, and you'll know what it means to be a human.

Uh, great.


Highston, I would like to invite you to come stay here awhile.

Your call, dude. I'm here for you either way.

I would... I'd prefer to stay home.

Well, how about you come by, take some tests, maybe speak with a counselor.

Follow your heart. The brain's overrated.

Could I talk it over with Flea first?

And Stephen Hawking?

He's really smart on personal matters, too.

♪ ♪



I'm afraid that President Lincoln has passed away.


Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?


What? Too soon?

I love "The Stunted Show."

I used to write for television, you know.

I didn't know that, Uncle Billy. What shows?

Not for that television. For the one up here.

I really wanted to write a novel, but I never had enough paper.

I can get you some.


It's too late now.

[remote clicks]

[bell rings on TV]

You see, I don't care for horse racing.

Cruelty to animals.


You don't think they'd ride us if they could?

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Where is a horse gonna get a human saddle?

I'm just saying, animals are assholes.

If you think horses wouldn't have us breeding in unheated sheds and racing in the mud if they could, then you're kidding yourself.

Well, I never cared much for mud, but I wouldn't mind breeding in a shed.

So, Uncle Billy, what do think I should do?

I think you're fine.

Billy, he sees ghosts.

They're not ghosts.

They're my friends.

Oprah's your friend?

Neil Young is your friend?

[chuckles] Bill Gates is your friend.

[laughing] Oh, my God.

We hang out. We talk about girls.

What's Bill Gates like?

Oh, he's very intelligent.

Yeah, I knew it.

He eats a lot more than I would have thought.

Well, sure. Thinking makes you hungry.

That's what I've always found.

Oh, it's time for my dance lesson.

Who's your teacher? Fred Astaire?

[both chuckle]

Don't be silly. Fred Astaire is d*ad.

Yeah! Shake it, Shaq! Whoo!

♪ ♪ [funk bass]

This is my robot dance.

Some of this.

Then some of that.

That's how you do it.

I don't know. I'm not a good dancer.

Remember what choreographer Martha Graham said.

"We learn by practice."

Come on, let's go. Get it.

Yeah, give me some bird sounds.

[imitates bird call]

The body says what the words cannot!

Martha Graham! Let's go!

Repeat it! The body says what the words cannot!

The body says what the words cannot.

The body says what the words cannot!

[Flea howls]

Fly away, little birdie!

♪ ♪ [funk bass continues]

[Flea howls]

♪ ♪ [funk drums join]

♪ ♪ [drums continue, muffled]

Is there supposed to be a keyboard?

Oh, sh**t.

♪ ♪ [bass, drums continue]

♪ ♪ [drums continue, muffled]

Should we rehearse it one more time?

No, I think I'm ready.

♪ ♪ [bass, drums continue]

Highston? Highston.


Oh, hi.

Um, Highston, we think it's time for you to find yourself and figure out what you wanna do with your life.

We know it's not easy to study on the family computer, so we went out to Value Village, and we got you this.

Are you sure your parents are for real, Highston?

And this book says there's something called Crunge 3.0 that you can learn in just a week.

And there was a man there who was missing a finger who said you'd need those disks.

Where's the g*dd*mn keyboard?

Yeah, where's the g*dd*mn keyboard?


Oh, sorry.

Isn't there supposed to be a keyboard?

We're still looking for one.

Have you tried looking in 2005?

Anyway, son, the thing is, you're 19 now.

Your mom and I have been talking.

We think you need to start setting goals.

Now, you can still live here but you either need to get a job, go to school, or commit yourself for psychological testing.

And you have to decide by tomorrow.

Or next week.

That's right.

Definitely either by tomorrow or next week.

f*cking fascists!

Wait. It actually sounds fair, doesn't it?

Yeah, that sounds fair.

But it will take a while to get into school.

In the meantime, maybe you should work.

It might make you seem more normal.

Not that you're not normal, but really you're not.

That's not just our opinion, son, it's society's.

Heck, I almost wish you were gay instead.

Are you gay?

Tell him yes.

Son, you can be honest with us. Are you gay?

Not yet.

Okay. Well, good.

I was worried when Alex Rodriguez started sleeping over.

Well, he's not gay.

Honey, did Alex Rodriguez touch you?

Nobody's ever touched me, and he's not gay.

Sure, he's not. Sure, he's not.

Here's the thing, son.

If you don't get a job, we want you to enter the treatment center for your sickness.

You're ill, Highston. It's not your fault.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

But you should hide it.

And if anyone asks you, lie and run away.
I feel fine.

I'm very happy.

See? Right there.

That's crazy talk.

Nobody's really happy, Highston.

I'm happy.

Flea says he's happy.

I'm very happy.

Shaquille O'Neal says he's very happy.

Shaq is here? I love Shaq.

But that's just them, Highston.

Flea and Shaq are the only happy people.

Everyone knows that.

Okay. Well, you think about it.

We'll leave you with your little friends.

I don't want you to leave, Highston.

Oh, don't worry, Pam.

It'll be okay.

You know what my problem is?

A complete inability to experience real joy?

No, not that.

I just can't bear to be tough on that boy.

I know. Me, neither.

Is there something wrong with me?

Am I a freak?

Listen, man, I'm no doctor.

I'm just a traveling troubadour, but I've seen in my time some troubled, broken, f*cked-up people, and you are not one of them.

In fact, you're the sanest person I've ever met.

Well, except for Iggy Pop, of course.

Let me tell you a little story.

I was about your age, just starting out, and I got asked to play in this roadside bar.

So I get up on the stage, and, man, I am jamming out.

And I open my eyes, and I see this woman on stage taking off her clothes, and it just didn't feel right, so I said, "Hey! Get off the stage!"

Then these two guys come up and b*at the f*cking sh*t out of me.

But that's when it dawned on me.

I was playing in a stripper bar.


You see what I'm getting at?

Uh, not really.

Not even a little bit?

Not even close, but thank you.

Hmm. Well, maybe I told it wrong because, you see...

I don't think it was the way you told it.

So... what do I do?

Well, maybe we should find you a job.

What would you like to do?

Anything, really, as long as there's no blood.

Hey, don't limit yourself, man.

Let's see.

Well... you can sell antiques.

Or, uh, antiques.

Hey, here's one: antiques!


Uh, help wanted.

That sounds good.


Mr. Liggetts, tell me, why do you want to be a debt collector?

Well, ever since I was a kid, I always dreamed of working in collections.

Great answer. Nailed it.

My friends and I used to play telephone collection agents on the playground. It was a lot of fun.

Sounds like a wonderful childhood.


Tell you what. I want to see how you work.

This man owes 5,000 on a truck.

Call him and demand the money.

Highston, maybe we should keep looking.

I thought we were here to give you advice.

And I appreciate that, but my parents are right.

It's time for me to grow up and do something.

Are you okay?


Ugh! She smells like camels, and not the cigarettes.

[sigh] Hi. Mr. Sanders? This is Highston Liggetts.

Don't give him your real name.

Use an alias.

This is Shaquille O'Neal.

Don't use my name.

Shaquille O'Neal?

This is... [sigh]... just a guy from Connie's Collection Agency, and I am calling to ask that you pay the $5,000 that you owe for the truck, please.

This isn't you, Highston.

Uh-huh. Oh.

How long have you been out of work?

That's a long time.

Okay, then, just... just pay it when you can.

Well done. Let's go home, then.

Never say that. Tell him he has to pay or else.

I'm sorry. Can you hold, please?

She said run away.

Tell him to pay. No excuses.

I'm sorry, but can you pay us anyways?


How long has your wife been sick?

Don't fall for that.

What does she have?

Oh, that's too bad.

What are you doing?

Is there blood?

Oh, I don't like blood.

Are you kidding me?

Pipe down lady.

That's got to be hard on the both of you.

Good job. You got him right where you want him.

And the other thing is you've got to make time for yourself, too.

You have to get out and meet some friends for coffee or something.

Or go record shopping.

Or go to a game.

Why don't you just tell him to take a drive in his truck?

Yeah, or take a drive in your truck.

Okay, that's enough. Give me the phone.

Oh, I'm sorry. I've got to go.

Give me the phone.

You know what I could do?

I've saved up a little bit of money.

Would it offend you if I sent you $100?

That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

No, I've got your name and address right here.

Kiss your wife for me.

You betcha.

"Kiss your wife for me"?

That was kind of strange, dude.

Way to go, Highston!

We are so proud of you, man.

What do I do now?

Son, this is for the best.

Ah, that's what I was going to say.

Can I have your computer?

I love you, Highston, just the way you are.

I hope they don't make you better and you stay sick forever.

Thanks, Pam. I love you, too.

You be good, okay?

I don't know if this will help, but if I could give milk, I would gladly let the cows drink it.

Thank you, Uncle Billy. That helps a lot.

Uncle Billy, you want me to see if they've got room for one more?

Live your life without regrets.

Do you have any regrets?

Just one: all the time I wasted watching people play poker on television.

I understand.

I should have gone to see them play poker in person instead.

Thank you for that wisdom.

Highston Liggetts?

It's going to be okay.

I'll be right here beside you, man.

Not if they fix me.

That's true. Damn.


I like Thoreau.

Have you read Walden?

He's f*cking on f*re with this one.

All men lead lives of quiet desperation.

f*cking A they do.

All men? What about women?

No, he said they're fine.

You know, you're pretty enough to be a singer.

And you're stupid enough to say something like that.

This guy's a moron.

Getting a bad vibe here, Highston.

Hey, g*ng. How are you?

Welcome. I am Dr. Gabler, but please call me Bob.

We have three new members today, so why don't you introduce yourselves and tell us why you think you're here?



I'm Molly Meeker, and I'm here 'cause I don't play well with others.


Thank you, Molly.

Danny St. Clair, and I'm an alcoholic.


[snicker] I'm just kidding.

Ha ha ha! I'm here because my search for truth and understanding has led me to total three of my parents' cars.

Thank you, Danny.

And Highston.

I'm here because I... I love my family and I want to make them feel better, even though they're wrong.

Excellent answer.

Very good, Highston. Very, very good.

[mimicking] It's like he's talking to a dog.

Now tell us, Highston, what would you say is your biggest fear?

Hold on. You hardly know these people yet.

Flea's right. This is bullshit.

Don't answer that.

Just because this guy's got a notepad does not give him the right to your most private thoughts.


Uh, I would have to say...

Run for it, Highston.

My biggest fear.

Listen, there was a time I had lost my way a while ago, and I wasn't inspired, man.

I was all constricted inside.

Everyone was trying to tell me what to do, but there's no way they could know what was going on inside me.


So one night...

You okay?

I put on this record:

"Los Angeles" by X.

It's a k*ller, man. I put it on really loud, and, like, in that moment, I felt a total epiphany about why I wanted to play rock music in the first place.

It was so beautiful, and I was feeling it, man.

I was... I was rocking.

There was such an energy.

I was just f*cking spinning, man!

It felt so f*cking good!

And, you know, I smashed my plate against the wall...

Whoa. Your plate?

Yeah, I threw myself on the floor, and I started tearing up, you know?

But they were happy tears.

Highston, can you try and stay focused here in the room, please?

Highston, that's where you're at right now.

People are always going to try to control you.

But you have to find your own path.

When you find your path, you'll know it.

Danny: Hello?

When you feel your inspiration, you will f*cking know it.

Does this feel right?


Does that help?

Shaq: It helped me.

Damn, Flea, that was good.

I got to get that album.

Yeah, that was... that was a lot better than your stripper bar story.

This one was actually pertinent.

Gabler: Highston?

Who's he talking to?

This guy's nuts. Ha ha ha!


Remember, Highston, ain't nothing wrong with you.

We're all friends here, Highston.

These people are not your friends.


Uh, my biggest fear is, uh... is... is this.

Run, run, run, run, run!

Yes! Ha ha!

Yes, Highston! Go! Go!


Come on!

♪ Knew my game this morning ♪
♪ Told them this is fine ♪

I'm sorry.

♪ Never wanted for nothing ♪
♪ Didn't know just why ♪
♪ Sorry, sorry ♪
♪ Sorry, sorry ♪
♪ That I ♪

Highston, you're a voluntary day patient.

You don't actually need to run.

I was using that term loosely!

But if you insist on running, the exit is this way!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Sorry ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Sorry ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Sorry ♪

Flea: Made it!

♪ Sorry ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Sorry ♪

Yeah! Come on.

♪ Sorry ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Sorry ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Sorry ♪

Am I in trouble?

Ah, don't worry. We'll work that out.

You got a long, full, marvelous life in front of you.

So do you like girls?

I believe I do, yes.

So what did you think of Molly?

Well, she seemed kind of scary and scarred by the vagaries of life.

I liked her.


It's going to be a wonderful journey for you, brother.

♪ ♪
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