02x21 - Young and Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God!

When did you have time to do all this?

I thought we were gonna decorate together.

Yeah, well I just got excited and you don't do it as good as me.

My God, Gabi. This is a lot of food.

I love it when you have P.M.S.

No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no! No.

This is for the homeless shelter that we're volunteering at on Christmas Eve.

Oh.

It's all apart of our big Christmas plan.

Oh, so we have a plan.

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

You see, this is the first Christmas we're not spending with our families, because my dad's out of town...

Yeah, and because tickets are cheaper after the holidays, so I'm flying home to see my family on the 26th... of March.

I decided we gotta make it special by creating new traditions.

Ooh! Like sipping mulled wine and doing a 2,000 piece jigsaw puzzle!

Maybe.

Put that on. Oh, you're so cute.

(Knock on door)

Who wants a virgin eggnog?

Ooh, I do.

Then don't drink this.

Wow, seems like somebody's already getting into the Christmas spirits.

Oh, hell no.

I'm not celebrating this year.

What? Why?

'Cause I have no family.

What are you talking about, Yolanda? You have three kids.

Oh, my son's going over to his girlfriend's mama's house.

My other one is studying abroad, and my daughter's serving in the m*llitary.

Selfish!

You must have other family.

Oh, just my sister... and she's dead.

She is?

To me.

We haven't talked in five years, and that ain't long enough.

Oh, no! What happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay.

Well, we've always had this sibling rivalry, and then she meets this rich, pompous ass, and then all of a sudden, I'm not good enough for her anymore.

So good riddance.

Yolanda, it's Christmas. It's time for love and forgiveness.

Ha! Pass.

I'm sorry, I think I made it seem like you have a choice.

Call her.

Oh, look, you don't understand...

Call her!

(Yolanda stammers)

Call her, call her, call her, call her...

It'll never end.

Fine.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I don't even remember what I put her number under.

Oh, yeah. "I."

"I"?

"I can't stand this bitch."

(Theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turned my head ♪
♪ She'd run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she's bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪

I am so excited your sister's coming to Josh's tonight for Christmas Eve dinner.

I did a good thing, huh? Huh?

As long as I look better than her.

Yolanda, it's not about that.

The hell it isn't.

She's probably getting a hundred dollar blowout right now.

And I'm gonna blow out these pants if don't get a stronger Spanx.

I'll see y'all later.

(Giggles)

Okay, now it's time for my favorite part of Christmas, buying each other gifts under... ♪ $20. ♪

Oh! Is this Gucci purse under $20?

Uh, no. But you know what is?

What?

A picture of you wearing it.

Cute!

Okay, take it off.

But isn't Christmas about love?

I love it.

Well, I can give you 919 reasons why it's just not that into you.

Ooh-wee.

Yeah, you're right. It's too expensive.

Unless...

(Pops lips)

Unless what?

Oh, I don't know. I just thought if I looked at you like that, you'd come up with one of your crazy plans.

I do have a plan.

Checking out these shiny $10 barrettes.

Oh, this bar code won't scan.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no. Let me just use my hands.

You know, that's okay actually. We can't... it's $19.

...say no to whatever is happening.

Sofia, she obviously made a mistake.

That's 22.66 with tax.

You just keep the change.

Oh.

Hey, hey. What the hell did you just do?

Witnessed a Christmas miracle.

Merry Christmas Eve Eve everybody.

May we all embrace the happiness and the warmth of... hands off the ham!

We're waiting for Yolanda's sister.

As usual, JoJo has to make a big entrance.

If she looks like you, her entrance would have to be huge.

(Glass dings)

While we wait, I'd like to say thank you to Gabi for making a fantastic dinner, and thank you to all of you guys for helping me celebrate early.

Before I leave for my annual ski trip with Crazy Pete.

You know, (Chuckles)

I'm actually the one that gave Crazy Pete his nickname.

Funny story...

(Thinking) Ugh! I can't believe Alan went on a Hanukkah cruise with his parents without me.

(Gasps) What if it goes down?

Who am I kidding? It's a Jewish cruise.

It doesn't go down.

(Thinking) I'm so glad I got to spend Christmas with the one I love...

My purse.

(Thinking) Look at this amazing meal I cooked.

And best of all, I'm reuniting two sisters.

I am the Christmas whisperer.

(Thinking) Thank God for eggnog.

And then Pete takes off his pirate hat, right?

And I say, "Pete, you arrrgh crazy."

(Laughs)

Good one.

Great story.

Too funny, Josh.

But seriously, though.

I can't imagine spending Christmas Eve Eve with anyone else.

Cheers to family.

Oh!

To family.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, crap. It's family.

Okay, how do I look?

Amazing.

(Giggles)

I didn't hear you say thin.

And you never will.

Pfft.

(Sighs) Okay.

Merry Christmas, JoJo.

Merry Christmas, YoYo.

How was your flight?

Oh, first class isn't what it used to be, but... oh, you'll have to take my word for that.

Well, you look nice too.

I see money couldn't fix all your problem areas.

Okay.

Hello. Haha. Merry Christmas.

Wow, don't you two look alike.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm-I'm Gabi. I'm the chef.

Then why are you making eye contact with me?

(Yolanda laughs)

Everyone, this is my sister, Jolanda.

(Laughs)

Wait, your parents name you Yolanda and Jolanda?

Yeah, what's wrong with that?

What's the problem?

Yeah. That's what we got our name...

JoJo!

Long time no see.

Merry Christmas, Josh!

Oh, whoo!

I see you really did well for yourself.

Yes, it is so nice to see that you haven't forgotten all the little people that clean your toilets.

(Laughs) Well, you know what they say.

More toilets, more money.

And I'm swimming in it.

The money, not the toilets.

All right, who's... who's ready... is everybody ready for dinner?

Yes! I'm ready.

Okay.

So... then you're gonna apologize to me after dinner?

Apologize for what, JoJo?

For you not coming to my wedding five years ago.

Oh, I would be happy to if you apologize for not making me a bridesmaid.

You're a maid everyday, I figured you needed a break.

Oh, I'm gonna break something...

Oh, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Yolanda, Jolanda... (Laughs)

Sorry.

I don't know if you two realize this, but you are both a part of a big, beautiful Christmas plan.

I ain't got time for this. I'm out of here.

Oh, well, let me get the door for you.

You should, it's your job.

No, no. Wait. Wait, wait, stop.

Stop, stop, stop. Stop!

Okay, ready? First, I made this beautiful dinner and tomorrow I'm serving the homeless at St. Joseph's.

And you know the most joyous part was going to be reuniting you two in the spirit of...

Christmas.

Thanks, Gabi.

Now it's the worst Christmas ever!

I feel so bad about JoJo and Yolanda.

I mean, why couldn't they work it out?

Damn those sisters.

Oh, not you sisters.

Big fan of your work.

Gabi, can we focus on what's really important here?

I'm starting to feel really guilty about my purse.

Okay, so then return it.

I said starting to.

You know, I ruined Yolanda's Christmas, and now JoJo's on a first class flight back to Houston.

Uh... or she's sitting over there eating yams because she's homeless.

JoJo?

Uh... this is not what it looks like.

Oh, so you're not homeless.

I guess this is what it looks like.

(Knock on door)

Gabi, I got your note.

Your handwriting is terrible.

Why can't you just text like the other youths do?

There's something you need to know about Jolanda.

Oh, that she's unbearable, condescending... she's homeless.

What the hell are you talking about, Gabi?

She doesn't have one of these over her head!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

This ski suit is fly.

(Elliot whimpers, cries)

(Crying)

What are you doing here?

What's it look like?

Alan's gone, and I'm sad eating peppermint bark on your floor.

(Sobs)

Oh.

You wanna talk about it?

What's the point?

Alan's already on the cruise.

I'd rather talk about why you look like Gumby.

What? This is my gear.

Crazy Pete said we're not just going skiing, we're going ultimate extreme skiing.

He actually sent me a video of guys doing it. Wanna watch?

I love videos of guys doing it.

Skiing! Skiing, Elliot.

(Sobs)

I miss Alan so much.

(Sobbing)

I know you do, buddy.

Hey.

Bring it in.

There you go.

(Whimpers)

(Sobbing)

(Elliot blows his nose)

Hi.

I have a little situation that's causing me a little guilt.

You have a situation?

Did you hear a thump on the way home and keep driving?

Okay.

Uh, well I have to return this but I don't have a receipt.

Oh, no, no, no. That's okay, I'll just scan it.

Uh, that's $919 plus tax.

Um, are hundreds okay?

Oh, no, I think there's um... been another... ♪ Christmas miracle. ♪

Elliot, what are you doing?

Trying to get my mind off Alan's cruise by watching Titanic.

Well, I've had a little disaster of my own.

Oh, my God. What happened?

I was loading all my gear onto the roof of Crazy Pete's Jeep and when I jumped off, I tore a ligament in my ankle, so I guess I'll be joining you on the old couch because there's no ski trip for Josh.

Yay! That came out wrong. What I meant is... Yay!

This is not gonna be easy, but I want you to know that I'm here for you, okay?

There she is, right there.

(Gasps)

JoJo?

(Gasps) What the hell?

Did you bring her down here to do her happy dance and rub it all in my face?

JoJo, you need help.

I don't need any of her help.

I actually got a job.

A rich lawyer's on his way to hire me as his sexy paralegal.

Oh, please, girl. That story as bad as your weave.

'Course I got a bad weave, I'm homeless.

What's your excuse?

(Gasps) How dare you. This is from the Raquel Welch collection.

(Mocking) Oh-ho!

Well this is from the Detroit collection.

Oh, please. You look like cats been sucking on it.

(Both arguing)

Ladies, what's going on here?

My sister being loud and rude...

Which must run in the family, because so am I.

JoJo, I do want to help you.

But how did this happen?

Well, you know how it goes.

A bad divorce, a Ponzi scheme, little bit of insurance fraud, and suddenly you're between homes.

And by that, I mean I was actually sleeping in the alley between two homes.

Oh my God. That is so sad.

Course it's sad, we in the homeless shelter, not the comedy store.

Uh, you know what?

We're getting out of here. Pack your things and you're coming home with me.

Actually, it'd be better if Jolanda stayed with us.

She is so close to getting in the "Get On Your Feet" program.

All she needs is a sponsor.

Hm, well, she's got one. What do I have to do?

A sponsor covers the expenses for the year, which includes food, board, and job education, but it is $10,000.

$10,000! Uh...

I mean, that's no problem.

Oh, no, no, no. Wait, I can't let you do that.

Oh, no. You're my sister and I'm gonna do it.

I'll be back in an hour with the money.

Ooh, thank you, YoYo.

I'll see you later.

Come here.

Okay, Gabi, I'm sorry for blaming you for ruining Christmas.

You actually made it one of the best Christmases ever.

You're welcome, Yolanda. I'm so glad it worked out.

(Squeals)

Okay, I'm gonna go pack up my kitchen stuff.

Okay, I'll see you later. Thank you.

Bye They fell for that hook, line, and sinker.

Girl, I told you conning your sister would be a piece of cake.

Now we going to Hawaii.

Ooh! This is the best Christmas ever!

(Laughing)

Elliot, I know you're upset about being away from Alan, But I got to admit I'm actually glad you're here with me.

Being alone on Christmas would suck.

I'm sorry about your leg, but I'm happy you're here with me, too.

Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh! I have to talk to you.

And now the moment is ruined.

Why don't I go pick out our next movie?

I'm thinking something with Hugh Jackman.

Oh, uh, Wolverine!

Or... Les Mis.

Um, quick question.

Priests can't make out with people, can they?

What have you done?

No, not me. JoJo.

She's scamming Yolanda out of money, and she's hooking up with a priest.

(Gasps)

I bet he's not even a priest.

Oh, my God. We've got to get down there.

Hey hey, what's with the cane?

It's a long story.

Oh, my God. What happened?

I hurt my ankle.

That's not a long story at all. Come on, hurry!

Hi, Matilda. (Giggles)

I'm back. I don't know if you remember me.

You've been here twice in the last week.

Hm, I'm barren...

Not senile.

(Alarm blares)

Oh, my God! I swear I can explain!

No, calm down!

It's a sale.

In the next ten minutes, everything is half off.

Oh, well, look.

All I want to do I just retur... hurn... even this sparkly cocktail ring that's $1,800?

Everything.

(Whimpers)

JoJo.

Oh! Hey, guys.

What are you doing here?

Stopping you from swindling your sister.

Yeah. I saw you making out with Father Gary.

Look, I don't know why you did what you did, and I don't care.

Well, I care, okay?

And I have one thing to say...

I finally understand why Yolanda didn't talk to you for five years.

You are not a nice lady!

Okay.

Okay.

Look, there is no way I'm gonna let Yolanda get hurt.

So when she shows up to give you the money, you're not gonna take it.

(Cries)

Don't try those fake tears on me.

It's too late.

Yolanda already brought me the money.

Well, then you'll have to give it back.

I can't.

Father Gary ran off with it.

By the way, his name's not Father Gary, he's just Gary.

Yeah, well you and just Gary have a lot of explaining to do.

Okay.

Look, here's the deal.

I love Yolanda, and I don't want to see her get hurt.

So tomorrow, you're coming to Christmas brunch.

Mmm, will there be Bellinis?

Stop.

I'm gonna give you the money to give back to her, Mmm, good plan. Give it.

Tomorrow.

When you arrive.

And you're gonna tell Yolanda you tried to swindle her, but you had a change of heart.

So here's her money back.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's right.

You're gonna come clean.

You're gonna warm our hearts.

You're gonna give Yolanda the magical frickin' Christmas she deserves!

And then... there will be Bellinis.

Hey, merry Christmas Day everybody.

(All cheers)

Ugh! This Christmas is lasting longer than Hanukkah.

(Doorbell rings)

(Gasps)

Who could that be?

Everybody we're expecting is already here.

(Gasps) JoJo.

Hey!

Oh, hi!

Is that my sister coming to see me on Christmas Day?

Or have I had too many Bellinis?

(Chuckles)

Uh, you might want to ready another one.

Um... YoYo, I've got a Christmas confession to make.

I lied to you.

I'm not homeless, and I stole your money.

But I had a change of heart, and I just... I want... I want to give it back to you.

And now, where are those apple pancakes Uh-uh, slow your roll, girl.

You're not touching those pancakes until you explain to me what the hell you just said.

Well, YoYo, I'm not homeless, but I'm not rich anymore.

I didn't get a penny out of that divorce, and all that stuff I told you about, it really did happen to me.

So conning people is the way I've been getting by.

So how'd you come up with this one, JoJo?

My plan was to pretend I was rich and rub it all up in your face.

But when you started to talk about how well you were doing, then I saw dollar signs.

So when blondie here was talking about going to St. Joe's, my plan all came together, and I knew she couldn't keep her mouth shut.

No, you got that right.

Honey runs her mouth all the time.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

The point is that she realized she did something horrible and she came clean.

I guess you're right.

I forgive you, JoJo.

(Chuckling) Thank you.

Uh... one more thing.

Oh.

Josh, Gary didn't run off with all the money, I was trying to double-dip and take your money too.

Um, uh... Merry Christmas?

I don't believe you!

Give me that.

Josh!

You walked without your cane, it's a Christmas miracle!

Or...

I knew how sad you were not spending Christmas with Alan, so I faked an injury and stayed here so you wouldn't be alone.

You faked an injury to stay with me?

Oh my God, you love me.

(Sighs)

(Door opens)

And I l... Alan!

Alan!

Girls: Hey!

Oh! Mwah!

What are you doing here?

I couldn't miss our first Christmas together.

I love you.

(Giggles)

You came all the way back for me?

(Gasps)

You got seasick, didn't you?

Oi, that boat with all the rocking.

(Chuckles)

You guys, I think I kind of owe you an apology.

I feel like I shoved Christmas down everybody's throats this year.

I think it's just because this is my first Christmas away from home... and you miss your family...

Yeah.

...the way I miss mine.

But you know what I realized, Gabi?

We're a family right here.

Merry Christmas.

Here, here. Merry Christmas.

All: Merry Christmas.

Presents.

Yolanda and Jolanda: Ooh!

Well, Gabi, your Christmas plan worked.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

(Both giggle)

Where'd you get that ring?

Another Christmas miracle.

Hi... I need to return this but I don't have the receipt.

Well, I need a family, but I made a whole lot of poor life choices.

I'll, uh, just scan this one.

(Sofia groans)

All right, retail is $1,800 plus tax.

Oh, we can't take the money.

Yeah.

Oh. So store credit then?

That'll be fine.

Okay.

Both: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

(Whimpers)

See, now it's a Merry Christmas.

You're right.