02x01 - Stern Papa

[bunniefuu]

[classical music]

I love...

[gasps]

Love L.A.

Ah, Maestro, me... me too.

I miss home, though.

Home New York or home Mexico?

Both. I miss my orchestra.

Eh, this one's better. Hm?

Yeah, you know, they're really good.

They're really good. But mine... mine will get better.

Yeah, they will get better.

Maybe... or maybe you'll never get them there.

Hm?

Hmm, maybe you'll never get there.

Maybe you're a fraud.

No, not now, Maestro, not now, not now.

Little Mexican street urchin in the big city, huh?

[chuckles]

Little enfant terrible, eh?

You're not such an enfant anymore though, you know, hmm?

Maybe you're just... terrible.

Shut it, Wolfgang! Shut it, stupid basta!

Aw, hell, I'm sorry, Maestro.

I... I didn't have breakfast today.

[orchestra warming up]

[indistinct chatter]

Rodrigo to stage in two minutes.

Okay, okay, copy, copy.

Cabron, what's the score?

7-1 now.

Ay, chingada madre.

Oh, yes, yes.

Bah, let's go.

So are the rumors true?

What rumors?

So many rumors, I don't know which one you're talking about.

That when the New York symphony goes on the strike, you are coming here and not as a guest conductor.

Who's saying that?

Everybody's talking about that.

Really?

Yeah, everybody.

No, we're not gonna go strike.

No, no, no, no, we're not...

Relax.

You have to conduct a concert.

Yeah.

One thing is to conduct Mozart, and another labor negotiations.

Yeah, I know.

You have to come here.

Save us, please.

[humming] Hmm?

We hate our conductor.

Really?

Ugh.

Rodrigo to stage.

Okay, one, ready.

Enjoy.

Thank you.

Disfrútalo.

Gracias.

Ciao.

[cheers and applause]

Welcome.

[indistinct greeting]

[cheers and applause continues]

[musicians clearing throats]

[crowd quiets]

[playing Mozart's "Di Figaro K492: Overture"]

♪
♪

Ball four! Take your base.

Not your day, Bob!

Hailey, you're in.

Hang in there, Bobby!

Come on, Hailey. Let's go.

Strike!

Hold on, hold on. Who's the ringer?

Hailey Rutledge. She's an oboist.

Okay, well, I don't see her name on the official roster.

I'm a substitute.

So you're not eligible.

He's right.

Hailey's only eligible in the weeks she's playing.

She's not playing this week.

She's just the maestro's assistant.

Whose side are you on?

The side of the rules.

I'm sorry, Hailey.

You can play in three weeks when we're doing the Mahler.

Drop the ball. I'm... I'm back in.

Oh, uh-oh. Maestro at 2:00.

Looks like Daddy's here.
You guys are in trouble.

No, he's not like that.

Oh, sh*t.

Hello, Maestro!

Hey, "Hai Lai"!

How was the L.A. Phil?

Oh, it was incredible. Amazing.

They're so much better than us.

Really?

So much better, yeah, but don't worry.

We'll get there. We'll get there, yeah.

Hi.

Hey, how are you? You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, Warren Boyd.

Aw, Maestro, we missed you.

Bob the Union.

Maestro.

Betty Cragdale.

Hi.

Everything good?

Yeah.

Good.

Yes, the match? Yes, yes.

Okay.

I heard that Maestro Pembridge was, you know, a little bit unsure about the sporting activities, right?

That's true, Maestro, but it's a very short softball season, and everyone's very careful out here.

And we're just a couple of wins away from making the playoffs.

Really?

Yeah.

Do you think we have a chance?

If we can have some decent pitching.

Hey.

Do you need a pitcher?

[classical music]

Strike three, you're out!

[speaking Spanish]

Ha!

Come on, Maestro!

Let's go! Pitch it to him, baby!

♪

Little hustle.

Yes, Pavel!

♪

Yeah, baby!

[cheering]

Aw, yeah!

[cheers and laughter]

♪

[funk music]

Hey, yo, what's up, everybody?

My name is Alex.

I am a Sagittarius, and sometimes I like to break into spontaneous fits of dancing.

Whoa!

♪

Dance spin.

Hup!

Scarecrow dance.

Ohh. Michael Jackson.

♪

Hee-hee!

Modern.

[with German accent] Anyway, I hope you consider me worthy of... "Danse Haus." Yah!

Oh, sh*t, I totally forgot to press record.

Oh, no, you... you did, really?

Just kidding.

[sighs]

If "Danse Haus" doesn't pick you, they're idiots.

Thank you.

[clapping]

Nice routine, dance boy.

I think you've got a sh*t.

Thanks, Stan.

Oh, thanks, Stan.

[classical music]

♪

[sighs]

Oh, for a musicophile.

♪

Morning, Ludwig. Wolfgang.

Cheers, Gustav, how you doing, matey?

Choppy, top of the morning to you, my laddy.

And Tom Pembridge...

Sir Thomas Pembridge...
I like the ring of that.

You get your ass on that seat and start composing, you cheeky bugger. Hm.

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

French horn.

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

On a roll.

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

Superb!

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪

Aah.

[phone quacks]

Hello?

Hailey, Mrs. Cook here.
Tom Tom has head lice.

It's been decimating the third grade, so the lesson is off tomorrow.

Okay. When did he get it?

See you next week. Bye.

Okay, I'm not... I'm not horny at all, and I really need to practice.

Well, I was just trying to be affectionate, but whatever.

I also probably have head lice, so it's probably for the best.

Ooh, lice. That's sexy.

[classical music]

♪

[knocking at door]

♪

Hello, you're Hailey, Rodrigo's assistant, right?

Mm-hmm, that's what they call me.

I'm Sarabelle.

Gloria Windsor told me to come see you so you could train me to be Rodrigo's new assistant.

Oh, okay. Uh, great.

Well, first, we will start with the mate.

I actually made the maestro my very first cup of mate right here in this room.

Okay, "'Hai Lai'! First, you will slurp the mate, and then you will... oh, an eagle!"

'Cause he made a... he made a tape for me.

Um, anyway, how did you get put up for the job?

Um, well, my dad knows Gloria.

My name's Sarabelle Westmore.

Oh, sh*t, like the Westmore Foundation.

You guys donated our organ.

Oh, my dad did.

And how'd you get this job?

Um, I play with the blood.

You play with blood?

Yup.

Are you a musician?

I'm a singer-songwriter.

Do you like this one... or this one?

Which fabric sets off my complexion better?

Second...

Second.

It makes your hair look like spun gold.

Well, then, I guess we'll go with the second one.

Thank you. Come with me.

Gloria, we can't have a strike.

Can't you just give them what they want?

Can't afford to give them what they want.

Well, you can afford those curtains.

Thanks to my fourth husband, yes.

May he rest in peace... and don't pooh-pooh my redecorating.

We all need some creative outlet.

I'm not pooh-poohing.
I don't pooh-pooh.

Now, Maestro, if you want to help, then please don't call one of our major corporate donors "evil bloodsuckers" in the "New York Times."

Hey, no, no, no, I... I... that was taken completely out of context.

Because what I said is, "Even though they are evil corporate bloodsuckers, they're nice."

[scoffs]

You know what that company does in Nigeria?

Do you know what they did for our symphony?

They put their name all over the program, that's what they do.

And gave us 5 million for the privilege.

Now, the next thing you can do is use your influence with the orchestra to get them to seriously consider our recent offer.

You know they adore you.

That's true.

They adore you.

No, Craig G, no.

The L.A. Phil, they like me.

They play well, in unison, relaxed, at ease.

They know each other.
They... they're confident.

Maybe they feel more secure because they have a signed five-year contract.

Contracts, contracts! You see?

We're only talking about contracts and red tape!

Red tape, red tape all over the place.

Cut the red tape. Cut the red tape, okay?

[knocking at door]

Because if we don't talk about the music, then we're never gonna get good. [door opens]

If we don't talk about music, then when we go to Latin America it's gonna be so problematic because I'm going to be exiled from every single country, from Mexico, from Colombia, from Argentina, from Bolivia, from Paraguay, from Chile, from Peru, from Venezuela, from... where is "Hai Lai?"

What... what's going on? What... what is this?

Where... what... who are you?

I'm Sarabelle, your new assistant?

Is that... are you asking me your name, or is it an answer?

Um, an answer?

Mm-hmm, okay.

[sips]

Um, hold this for a second.

Sarabelle, you know, you could be a very good soprano.

Thank you.

No?

Yeah, but this is not gonna work.

Cut the red tape. Cut the red tape!

Rodrigo...

[door opens, closes]

How is your father, dear?
Out on the yacht right now?

Was I fired?

No, don't worry about it.

I'm fired?

Shh, it's okay.

[baby crying]

Shh. Daddy will be back soon, so that this daddy can go back to work.

It's all right. I don't know if you want this or what you want...

That's not a human baby, man.

Yes, I know. It's a robot baby.

Christophe thinks we should practice for when the real one arrives.

That's weird... but that's cool, yeah?

Yeah.

Do you mind if, like, maybe I... maybe...

Uh, yes, okay.

Yes, ah, look at that.

Oh, he... he likes you.

I don't... you just got to get to know him enough...

Maestro.

Yes?

You can't keep f*ring assistants on their first day of work.

"Hai Lai," look.

[baby cries]

Oh my God.

Get that thing away from me.

[baby coos]

[speaks Spanish]

Sarabelle was nice.

She was rich, but she was very nice.

No, she was not nice.

[high-pitched voice] She... she... she wasn't nice, no.

No, she was not nice, no.

She spoke with rising arpeggios, and with a minor scale, like "keh, keh, keh..."

I can't keep being your assistant.

Hai Lai... don't... don't walk away, Hai Lai.

[baby crying]

Hey, oy, no, no, no, no. Okay, okay.

Sorry, here you go.

Yeah.

Hey, trust your instincts, man.

You got it. Don't listen to anybody.

Everybody's gonna tell you stuff. Just go for it.

You got it. You got it.

Okay, I tell you what.

While you're substituting at oboe, you can find a substituting assistant for me, okay?

It puts me in a weird position with the orchestra, since they know that I work for you.

Weird position?
I don't see any weird position.

You need to find a new assistant by next week, end of story.

Not the end of story!

No end of story...

Stop, Maestro!

This is a ladies' room!

And?

It's for ladies.
Gloria spoke to you about this.

Step outside, Maestro.

Also, are you aware that that girl's father donated our organ and our rehearsal rooms and your apartment?

And she can't make the mate?

Anyone can make the mate.

Hey, that... that's very insulting to you.

Hey, how's it going, Cynthia?

Hello, Maestro.

How you doing?

I'm good.

This is the ladies' room.

And?

It's for ladies.

One day, it will be everybody's.

One day.

Hey.

Hey.

Does he have a new assistant yet?

I'm working on it.

He doesn't want to let you go, huh?

What does that mean?

Nothing, nothing.

I'm just, you know... you know, Triangle Tanya's been sh**ting her mouth off that she saw him kiss you on opening night.

God, all your blood just went to your cheeks.

Well, I mean, no.

He was just super affectionate with everyone that night.

It was, like, 2 1/2 months ago.

It hasn't happened again, so...

You're really advancing in your playing, Hailey.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you're... you're getting really f*cking good. I've heard you.

So, you don't want any bullshit gossip, trust me.

I'm gonna tell Tanya to shut her trap.

[laughs softly]

[classical music]

♪

Hey, hello. Nina Robertson?

Ah, Cynthia.

Bob?

Hey.

Hey. Hey, nice wheels.

Oh, thanks.
Just rode in from Pittsburgh.

Ah.

You just wrapped up the NHL negotiations there, right?

[laughs softly] We hip-checked those owners right through the boards.

So, you play the cello, right?

Yeah.

I love the cello.

It takes my breath away.

You like the piccolo?

Can't say I've ever thought about that.

Huh.

Do you mind if I just stand on the stage for a couple of minutes?

No. Hey, do you want to... would you like to meet a couple people?

I'd love it.

Oh, yeah.

This is... this is... this is Nina, our new lawyer.

This is Dee Dee, our timpani man.

Dee Dee, nice to meet you.

And this is Betty Cragdale, our illustrious first-chair oboe.

35 years with the orchestra, right?

Yeah, I started when I was 12.

[laughter]

I hope you're gonna kick some ass for us.

I am. Those guys are forgetting who makes the music here.

I just hope we don't get into a situation like in Minnesota.

I was in that orchestra.

We were out of work for a year and a half.

Yeah, that's because somebody screwed up.

We're not gonna do that.

It's great that you're here.

The maestro's arrived.

Oh, sh*t.

Good morning, good morning.

So great to meet you.

Betty.

Thank you.

It is so nice to meet you.

Hey, power to the players.

Yeah, yeah, see you around.

Cynthia, listen, I am really looking forward to working closely with you on this.

Trust me, you're in good hands.

You know, I think we are.

Thank you. [chuckles]

Listen, you got to play the cello just for me someday.

I f*cking love Bach.

I f*cking love Bach too.

[both chuckle]

Hello.

Maestro.

How are you.

Hey, nice pitching, huh?

Ahh, okay, thank you.

[applause]

You're our ace, Maestro.

Oh, thank you very much, Betty Cragdale.

Thank you, guys.

Hey, Warren Boyd.

Maestro.

You okay? Yes?

Oh, absolutely.

Who... who was the person that you were talking to?

That's our lawyer, Maestro.

Ay, a lawyer? On the stage?

Mm.

It's not very proper, right?

Oh, I couldn't agree more, Maestro.

Okay.

And welcome, everybody.

Of course, Schubert, 8th Symphony.

B minor, okay?

And...

[playing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame"]

♪

Aww. [laughs]

♪

Ohh. [speaking Spanish]

Thank you, thank you.

Boy, okay, guys, let's get to work, okay?

Sorry! I'm so sorry, Maestro.

We forgot to sign some papers for the adoption, and then...

Christophe.

Right, no excuses. I'm very sorry.

You know, when I was in youth orchestra, and we would arrive late, Maestro Rivera... you know Maestro Rivera... he would throw batons at us every time that we arrived late.

Fyah! Like that.

This one... this one... is half fake. This one.

And then I became really good at dodging them, you know?

And after, I don't know, ten dodges or something... when I was eight or nine... he gave me the baton, and that's the reason why I'm here.

So in a few weeks, when we're in Mexico City, we better be good, because Maestro Rivera's gonna be in the audience, and he's gonna be throwing batons at us.

[laughter]

Okay?

So we don't want that, all right?

Okay, let's begin.

Ready? And...

[playing Schubert's "Symphony No. 8 in B minor, D.759"]

♪

Oh, Edward.

So glad you're here.

Well, did you hear they swapped lawyers on us?

Yes.

She's supposed to be a shark.

Gloria, I believe you know executive assistant, Sharon?

Yes, we're very angry at you for wooing her away.

Sharon, we miss you already.

I need some protein.
Could you find me some nuts?

It's a little sad to have a pre-concert major-donors' lounge without any major donors in it.

Except for me, of course.

And... you know why there's so few major donors here?

I bet you'll tell me.

It's because they're not overly large fans of Che Guevara.

They miss our old conductor, as do I.

Even if he is dressed like Hugh Hefner at the moment.

Hello, big man.

Hello, darling.

You're here.

Yeah.

How are you?

There you are.

Oh my God, you look ravishing.

Thank you.

Sharon, slumming it with us this evening, huh?

Nice to see you.

Eduardo.

Maestro.

As I said before, you already have a great conductor.

These are roasted.

Yes, I know... your hermano, but the question is, are you his hermano?

Come on, Thomas, the best-reviewed concert of the year was the one you stepped in on.

Well, that is perfectly true, but... oh, screw it, you know the press.

Look, I'm composing now.

That is my gig.

I'm on fire, baby. [both laugh]

All right, now, who's ready for Schubert?

Yes.

Wow, that was enthusiastic.

Better give 'em some oxygen or something.

Let's try one more time. Who's ready... for a little Schubert?

All: Schubert! [cheers]

[playing Schubert's "Symphony No. 8 in B minor, D.759"]

♪

[cell phone vibrates]

♪

[humming]

Thomas.

Thomas, you're humming.

Oh, I do apologize. I'm sorry.

You know, I'm in such a groove with my writing.

Although, Christ, with that décolletage, it makes it very hard to concentrate on anything, you little vixen. Hm.

♪

So what did you think?

Oh, of tonight's performance?

Yes.

Well, the audience went wild for it, didn't they?

The audience?

Yes, them.

[chuckles]

The orchestra lacks cohesion.

Ah, I know, I know, I know.

They've backslid a bit since the Benjamin Britten evening.
It's... look, it's natural.

Two steps forward, one step back.

But it's... it's also the strike thing.

It's distracting them. It's distracting me.

Mm, you've got to be stern papa.

Stern papa?

Oh, yeah, oh, my God, yeah.

I mean, look at the great conductors in the past.

Ruled with an iron fist.

Well, Toscanini, look at that.

Well, he was...

Well, yeah.

He was a total c**t.

Von Karajan, of course, maybe too stern.

Oh, uber stern.

Solti's a good example.

Very stern, hard-working, cracked the whip.

You don't want to be loved.

You want to be respected.

That's important. Gin.

Cheers.

Here's to... yeah.

You know, Maestro, would you mind if I gave you my symphony, just to look at?

Oh, Maestro.

Look, I don't want to toot my own horn, but I think it's absolutely f*cking brilliant.

Oh, I would love nothing more, Maestro.

Thank you.

[classical music]

♪

"Hai lai!"

It's 3:00 a.m.

Is it?

You said that you needed to talk.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wanted to ask you a question, and I want you to be really honest with me, okay?

Well, you're always honest with me.

How does the orchestra feel about me?

They think that you're crazy.

That's true, yeah. That's true.

But they believe in you.

And sometimes, they think that they love you.

Do you sometimes think that you love the orchestra?

Sometimes?

All the time.

But I'm the conductor, and I must have some distance.

You know, Maestro Rivera, he used to quote [speaking Spanish] and say [speaking in Spanish].

And that means?

That means that the highest cliff you can fall from is trust.

You know, with closeness and familiarity, there comes disrespect.

That's debatable.

No, I think that's the truth, "Hai Lai".

Nowadays, it's all the truth, yeah, yeah.

Aye, "Hai Lai."

It's late. What are you doing up so late?

[laughs]

We have to get to work.

I have to find a way of making this orchestra better, because, my God, it's terrible right now.

And you? You have to find a person that makes the mate, all right?

Because you have to practice.

Okay?

Okay.

The falconer and the falcon must both take wing.

I'm the falcon, right?

Bye-bye! Good night!

[playing Mahler's "Symphony No. 1 Titan"]

♪

["Titan" continues with full orchestra]