01x02 - Book Report

[bunniefuu]

Which of these shapes is a parallelogram?

That one.

Nope.

Can you take your shades off please?

Yeah, if you take your top off.

I'm not taking my top off. Take off your sunglasses.

Doesn't seem fair, but...

Frickin' crazy.

Which of these women is Harriet tubman?

[mumbles]

The what one?

The sexy one?

I don't... which one is sexy to you?

Nope, that's Nancy Reagan. First lady.

First lady of what?

America.

Speaking of geography, which of these...

Is not a total waste of time? Neither one of them.

Let's get some beers up in here's... joy!

Joy!

Hey, Gene?

Gene.

Hmm?

If you don't learn, you don't pass your GED.

You don't pass your GED, you go to prison.

Know what happens to girls like you in prison?

Yeah, I get along with everyone and have a super cool time, and then I get corn-rowed-haired.

Nope, you get your teeth knocked out with a shower handle and they use your mouth as a tampon depository.

Soup's on.

Now which of these countries is Botswana?

Sorry about that.

Okay. It's fine.

Which... which one is what?

Which one of these... they're both a country...

Oh, yeah?

Which one is Botswana?

In Africa. I think like maybe like that one's Botswana?

Okay. All right. I'll get it.

Oh, no, no, I got it.

It's expensive card stock.

I got it. I'll pick it up.

Don't. Don't!

It's mine!

Don't touch it.

Don't kick it with your dirty sneakers.

Do they play soccer in Botswana?

Don't! Give it!

Don't you... don't!

You're eating Malaysia.

Tastes like Thailand.

♪ We're too gangsta for TV ♪
♪ That's why you don't see us ♪
♪ But they still wanna be us ♪

Ha ha!

I wonder if anyone's ever d*ed dying these tennis balls their classic neon green color.

That's how I wanna go, you know?

Like, doing something hella weird slash sports related.

I want to go in a fire tragedy.

Speaking of, I need your help.

We need to get Billie fired.

No! Why? I mean, why, and...

What?

But, I thought you liked her.

No, she's like, freakin' lame.

With, like, a capital "f" and a lowercase "I,"

'cause you only capitalize, like, the first letter of the sentence.

Damn it!

You do?

Yeah, it's a thing. Why do I know that?

I mean, I'm impressed.

I mean, it seems like she's taught you some really cool things.

Yeah, it's, like, the worst.

What if you just, you know, kept her around in case she has a crush on one of your friends?

Mm... I don't have any friends.

I thought I was your friend.

[laughter]

[knock at door]

Gene?

Don't come in, we're naked!

No you're not, you're both wearing terrible clothes.

Maybe that's just what our bare skin looks like.

Oh, hi Billie. I didn't see you there.

Hello, Chet.

She knows I'm here. I can't stand it.

I can hear you. [clears throat]

Uh, Gene, did you start your book report?

Yeah. Done.

Capital "d." Lowercase "one."

Damn it!

You read a whole book and already wrote your report?

Yeah. I read "The Grapes Gatsby."

Do you mean "The Great Gatsby?"

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Well, what's it about?

[groans]

It's about rich people.

Uh-huh.

Who are in love.

Mm-hmm.

And it's directed by baz luhrmann.

It's directed by?

It's written by baz luhrmann.

Okay.

And the music for the book was done by Jay z, and it stars Leo Dicaps, old spider-man, and borat's wife.

Okay, so you watched the movie.

You didn't read the book.

They made a movie out of that?

Come on. We'll start over.

We'll pick a new book. Come on.

And what's gonna happen if I don't?

Uh, major consequences.

Major consequences.

Yeah.

That sounds like a Disney movie about the army.

"Major consequences," starring Zack and Cody!

[laughs]

They would be in it!

They would.

Totally they would star in it!

Yeah!

Hey, Chet, do you want to go to my guesthouse where all my underwear is and pick a new book?

Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes.

Great.

Guess your plans have changed.

♪ ♪

Oh, yes, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas."

You'd love this. It's all about dr*gs.

And there are bats in it. Really cool... well they're my favorite night creature, so...

Ooh, Gene, you might like "of mice and men."

It's all about guys...

I'm already sold.

Mice are my favorite day creature.

Okay, so, we're off to a good start.

I feel it too.

What?

Okay, let's just get one more for safety.

Um, "the adventures of huckleberry finn."

It's a classic, and you love adventure.

And huckleberry's my jam.

I put it on everything.

English muffins. Croissants.

So we have three awesome options.

Guess they are kinda three awesome options.

Probably start these never.

I sincerely thought she was gonna say "now."

Look, I'm spending the day with Chet.

That's what I'm doing.

And nobody's gonna change that, okay?

Sorry. Is what it 'tis.

Chet, leave. Okay.

What?

[dramatic music]

I hate you, you're the worst, just die!

You're still inside.

Die!

[dramatic music]

[clears throat]

Mr. Russell?

Huh?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure thing, Bill. Hey, do you know where my balls went?

I don't, uh, even know how to answer that.

Uh, it's about Gene.

I... I'm having a hard time getting her to do her work or not hate me.

Oh, well, you know, she just takes some time warming up.

You have to ease her into it.

It's like, uh... i should be able to think of a better example...

Can't. It's like date r*pe.

Date... date r*pe?

Yeah. Date r*pe.

Uh... i don't know...

You can't force her into doing something, you have to take her out, make her feel good.

Well, then at the end of the night, well, you get what I'm saying. Look, I'm... I'm late for my... late for my match.

Hope I was helpful.

Not at all.

Hey, Joy!

Have you seen my balls?

Bunch of rich weirdoes.

[knock on door]

"This is Gene writing. Meet me by the pool. Let's talk books. P.S. Ran out of note paper."

Bunch of rich weirdoes.

Gene?

Gene?

[screams]

Ha, you thought I was gonna push you in the pool.

Push me in the pool?

What?

[both scream]

You got my cast wet!

I don't know how to swim! Here, I'll help you.

I'll help you. I got you.

Ow, no, no! No, no, no!

[laughs] I'm not making a funny joke!

Get off of me!

I can't.

You're weighing me down, man.

I need you. [groans]

Why are you so much heavier than you are on land?

Wake up! Wake up!

Okay?

I can't die! What's wrong with you?

I can't die, I've never been to France.

You're my sea pony.

I am not your sea pony.

Giddy-up!

Ahh!

Dinner!

Give it a rest, joy.

Everyone knows your accent is fake.

[laughs] That is true.

Help us! Don't go chasing waterfalls.

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no!

[laughs]

Tanzy, what is this link you just sent me?

It's all the buzzfeed quizzes.

I'm finding out what kind of bird I would k*ll if I was a Jaguar.

Oh, yeah.

You look ridiculous.

Get a mirror.

Why?

Obviously I'm indicating that you look the same.

Oh, indicating.

Why don't you take your five-dollar words and live off of that instead of living off my dad's money.

Brring, brring! Hold on, I have to take this.

What?

Hello?

Oh, it's the ironic operator from... Irony... Town.

That's not a real phone. Or a town.

Ha, it says rip torn would play me in a movie about my life.

Ooh, I got Kate blanket.

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Russell?

Hmm?

I'm sorry to bother you, but I think that if I'm gonna get Gene to listen to me, we should lay down some ground rules.

What are you doing?

Also, I'm sorry I'm wet.

Gene, what do you have to say about that?

I think it's disgusting that she's telling everyone that she's sexually aroused at the table.

I'm not sexually aroused.

It's okay.

It happens, just don't tell everybody about it over a nice pasta salad.

How the heck am I Chandler?

I don't know.

You know what I just realized?

I don't say this lately.

Hm.

I really don't like you.

Hey. Get a mirror.

It doesn't work in this instance because that would mean I don't like myself.

And it's okay that you don't.

Everyone agrees that you shouldn't.

Yeah, right, who? Everyone likes me.

Who doesn't like me?

Easy-skeezy, right off the bat.

There's me.

Good.

There's your parents.

Who names their kid that they like after Billy crystal?

I was not named after Billy crystal.

But even if I was, joke's all over you, babe, because "forget Paris" is one of my favorite movies.

I thought your favorite movie was "pretty woman" because you love the opera and you're a whore for money.

Well then your favorite movie must be "waterworld" because it was expensive and terrible.

Like you.

Ha, look at that.

The quality I most admire in a woman is earrings.

Mm-hmm.

I thought your favorite movie was "splash" because splash!

Ha-ha.

I'm already wet, idiot.

[mocking gibberish]

Is that supposed to be me?

Yeah, this is also you.

"Please, sir, do you have any change? I'm so very poor."

Mm-hmm.

[wails]

Am I a ghost? No, it's cold outside.

Temperature-wise.

Well, at least my daddy doesn't have to pay people to hang out with me.

Hmm, my ginger soul mate is ed sheeran.

Huh.

Where's Gene?

I'm not Gene.

Oh, yeah.

Do you know who I am?

You're Billy crystal.

Billy crystal. Funny.

Yeah, remember that movie where we saw where he was in that movie with the woman?

I saw that.

[insects chirping]

Gene?

Gene?

Um, I brought you a beer and some ice cream.

I know you usually mix it, I couldn't quite bring myself to do it, but...

A... are you there?

Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for earlier at dinner, and, uh...

That's it, really.

I'm not very good at this.

So, I'll just leave this here in case you're still awake.

Can you hear me?

Gene?

All right, well, see you tomorrow.

No, you won't, 'cause tomorrow...

I'm gonna k*ll bill.

What'd you say?

I heard you say my name. What'd you say?

Honk-shoo, honk-shoo... [pretend snore sounds] are you just going "honk-shoo" like you're snoring?

At the door?

Go away!

♪ Everyone's got their own kinda power ♪
♪ Everyone's power is cool and unique ♪

[dramatic music]

What the f... "all dicks welcome here," that's not true.

So many bras...

And they're not mine.

Where would you even... Put it?

Hey, Billie, I read my assignments, and the Bible.

Oh, my gosh.

You did this.

I really hope my dad slash your employer doesn't come in and see this.

Dad! Dad, come now!

All right, what? Gene, I got a conference call with a chocolate company.

Don't look up from your phone... oh, dang it.

Oh, you're probably gonna want to fire her now.

This bite's the big one.

Pack your stuff?

Mr. Russell, I...

This is not my stuff.

Hmm.

Although I do actually greatly enjoy that movie.

"American History X"? It's...

You like it?

I love it.

Me, too!

Edward Norton?

With those arms? Hold me.

How 'bout Edward Norton with that semi-chub.

Are you kidding me? When he's getting arrested?

Is that what that is?

Yeah, what did you think it was?

Like, a shorts bubble.

I'm sorry, what's going on?

Oh, this is just all Billie's stuff, so you probably want to fire her.

Pack your stuff.

Gene clearly staged to get me fired.

Mm-hmm.

Why would I wanna get you fired?

'Cause I don't want to watch "Garbage Men With Penises part VI"?

[hums]

How do you know the very specific, very bad title of this p*rn?

Because it's one of the best... i don't know.

You own it!

No!

You were like, "here I am in the p*rn shop."

"Garbage Men With Penises part VI"!

I've never been to a p*rn sho... what did you it?

A shop? Mr. Russell.

A p*rn shop? Mr. Russell, i...

No, don't listen to what she's about to say, dad.

She's a coke-head.

Look at her, racing to it!

Like a regular Tim Allen.

This is flour.

Sure, Billie.

The room is filled with flowers, man!

[whispers] LSD!

You're covering the wrong side of your mouth.

She's on LSD, dad!

Gene, this is very, very creative stuff.

Really, it is, but as I said, I have a call, and the chocolate people wait for no man.

Excuse me.

Mr. Russell.

Mr. Russell.

Huh?

Hi. Is that all you're gonna say about that?

It's just Gene, all right?

She's like a... oh, what's a good analogy?

She's like y2k, which everybody thought was gonna be this huge disaster, then nothing happened.

That's terrible.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

Still have a garage full of soup.

No, I mean, don't you think there should be some consequences or guidance from you?

Don't listen to her, dad.

She's a sex addict who loves trash dicks.

I don't love trash di... i have normal urges.

Look.

Gene respects you, and I don't think that that applies to many people.

I think she would stop if you'd just lay down the law a little.

I knew there was a reason I hired you.

You're smart.

Thank you.

Come on, let's go.

Now? No, I thought you had a chocolate emergency.

It's my daughter. What's wrong with you?

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

I'm... I'm coming.

Okay.

All right.

Oh, gross, but also natural?

Gene, your dad would like to talk to you.

Yeah.

Cool, cool, cool, is it to tell me that uh... He fired you?

Pack your stuff?

All right, Gene, I, um...

Need to talk to you. Need to talk to...

You.

You.

What you did was...

Bad. And...

Get out of the house.

No, she's on house arrest, so... huh?

She has to stay here.

(Clean the room.)

Clean the room!

(Do the book report.)

And report a book.

That's good. That's close enough.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I would love to.

Mm-hmm.

But I don't want to.

Okay, well, that's solved.

No, no, no. Not gonna want to, remember?

Oh, yeah.

But she has to.

Yeah.

Yes.

Oh, right, right. Makes sense to me now.

Yeah, yes. Here we go. Okay.

Gene. [mumbles]

You have to.

No.

More stern.

More stern. Okay.

You have to!

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

I wasn't gonna hit her!

I just... i was just threatening her, a little bit.

Just use your voice.

Okay. All right.

Gene, I want you to clean this room right now, and after that, I want you to do your book report, and from here on out, you will listen to what...

Billie.

Billie tells you to do or I will be very, very disappointed in you.

Fine.

That was great.

That was really good.

That was so great!

You did so good.

My God, you're so brave and authoritative.

Well, you know.

My God.

Oh, and Gene?

You can leave that poster.

Thanks. Mm.

Stupid book report!

♪ ♪

Sorry if this book report's not very good.

I've been up late working hard on it, but then also "school ties" came on, and that's one of my favorite movies, which is surprising, 'cause I don't like anything school-related, but I love Jewish-themed movies.

No, that's okay.

Why are you interrupting the book report?

Oh, I didn't realize you...

Are you reading that off the page?

Yes!

Oh. Sorry.

It was so conversational, I thought we were just talking.

Okay, well now I lost my frickin' spot.

I'm sorry.

Just let me...

All flustered now. [clears throat]

I did my book report on "fear and loathing in Las Vegas."

I liked it slash it was confusing as **.

The book starts with raoul Duke behind the wheel of a convertible.

[eagle screeches]

He realizes the dr*gs he took earlier are kicking in.

They're kicking in, the dr*gs, yes?

[garbled mumbling]

Next to him sits his 300-pound attorney, Dr. Gonzo, aka the fat samoan.

[mumbles]

They were headed to Vegas from L.A.

Let's go to Vegas.

And there were bats and stuff.

I see two more. I see bats.

It's real. It's real.

They're on their way to Vegas, but they got derailed because Lenny is like, "curley, what's up with your hand?"

I like to keep my hand nice and soft so I can touch my girlfriend.

Aw, that feels gross.

Wait, who's lennie?

Me... sometimes, uh, raoul Duke calls himself lennie.

Got it.

So they took off.

This plane's going fast.

I don't think planes were invented yet.

They continued their journey.

Cow, cow, cow, cow.

That's not a cow. That's a tire.

It was much easier for them to get to Vegas by taking the good ol' Mississippi river.

We gotta catch that riverboat.

I agree with you.

You catch anything?

Just this minnow.

Uh-oh.

You want it?

Nice minnow!

And by that time, Dr. Gonzo was a free man.

Gene.

Whoosh.

Gene!

Sup?

Okay. Gimme that.

Okay.

And get off my desk.

Jeez. Demanding.

Any questions?

You with the stupid glasses in the front?

How many of the books that I gave you did you read?

'Cause it feels like you read parts of all of them without noticing they were different, and wove them into one story.

Okay, CSI Miami, if you say so.

Or... any of the CSI's would work.

Didn't you notice that the names kept changing?

Yeah, but I thought they were, like, nicknames.

Like, how some people call me "genie" or "goosetits."

Really wish that one would go away.

How is that even possible?

Oh, guys said that my tits looked like goose beaks.

I meant that you read three different books without noticing?

Well at least I tried. Jeez.

Do you mind if I actually go finish them?

Because now that I know that the ending isn't that huck and lennie go to L.A., I kinda want to find out what happens.

Sure, Gene.

Class over. Go.

Okay.

Oh, and can I borrow a few books from your guesthouse?

Yeah, have at it. Go nuts.

Can't wait.

Can't wait?

Wait a minute.

Gene likes reading.

She likes to read.

I did it.

I did it.

Oh, God. Mr. Russell?

Huh?

I did it.

I got through.

Yeah...

I... I r*ped your daughter.

That a bill.

Date r*ped her! Who am I?