01x05 - Hat

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad Dogs". Aired: January 15, 2015.*
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A group of underachieving 40-something guys travel to Belize to see an old friend, when things take an unexpectedly dark turn.
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01x05 - Hat

Post by bunniefuu »

[engine roars]

[window rolls up]

[Latin music playing on radio]

Someone can see you now, if you'll follow me.

They're here.

Yes, thank you.

Welcome. Please come in.

Hello. Thank you, Abby.

Do you still need the binder? I can't locate it.

Well, it was there this morning.

So maybe you could look again?

Thank you so much.

Sorry about that.

Things are still a little topsy-turvy around here with the recent tragedy, so...

Please have a seat. I'm Rochelle Baer.

How can I help you?

It-it was our understanding that we would be speaking with the chargé d'affaires.

I am the chargé d'affaires.


The other chargé d'affaires is at the funeral.

Maybe you haven't heard our sad new...

Yes, we heard.

Well, what... what is your position under normal circumstances?

I'm the third secretary.

There's three secretaries?

No, no.

Uh, no, I'm to assume the duties of the Chargé D'affaires should he or she be unable to do so themselves.

And the chargé d'affaires, they assume the duties of the ambassador if the ambassador is incapacitated.

Which... he is.

So it was my understanding that you needed to speak to someone about an urgent matter and if that is, in fact, the case, I am the authority that you're seeking.

The night after we arrived...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we are not...

I am f*cking doing this!

It's what I have to do.

The night after we arrived...

Could you hold for just... one moment?

Please continue.

The night after we arrived, our friend was shot in the head by a guy in a cat mask.

And we think that he's connected to the police, um, local police.

Our friend stole a boat.

Before... before he got shot.

Cobi: And the boat was full of money.

Joel: dr*gs. It was... it was dr*gs.

The Cat took my DNA. He swabbed me.

Yeah, okay, fine.

Look, the boat was full of dr*gs.

The money was given to us by two Dutch drug dealers.

They were part of a drug deal that was connected to a man named Jesús.

We should talk about Sophia.


Gus: Right. We've surmised that The Cat was also connected to Jesús.

Lex: I-I didn't surmise that.

We're not safe here?


[indistinct chatter]


[breathing heavily]

[clears throat]

[whispering]: Do you have the money?

I need you to show me.

Okay... okay.

There's a dead police captain in our pool.

I'll follow you.

Joel was over there.

And we... and we were all in the pool.

She was about where you are standing there and threatening.

She had that g*n at us.

Yelling shit.

I think there was some cursing.

Definitely some cursing. She was cursing, she was...

She was waving the g*n, really hostile.

And then?

And she said she was gonna k*ll us.

She said she had to k*ll us so we shot her.

Joel. I mean, Joel shot her.

Where's the g*n?

I need the g*n.

The embassy is well aware of her activities.


Excuse me a moment.

Uh, what... okay.

She's gonna go look for the g*n.

It's not there.

Well, where is it?

Just give her the g*n so we can get the f*ck out of here.

Cobi: Yeah.

She's not moving.

Well, what is she doing?

We said we were going to tell the embassy everything.

Yeah, full cooperation.

"Joel shot her."

You did.

[Cobi sighs]

I believe you.

I believe you.

I believe you.

Could you, please...

I believe you.

And I want to help, so here's what we're going to do.

We're going to take the money to the Coast Guard station in San Pedro.

They take custody of any illicit monies and transfer it to the State Department.

That's protocol.

From there, I will personally drive you across the border.

As I am the acting chargé d'affaires, you will be under my diplomatic umbrella and you will not be detained in any way.

I'm going to take you to Guatemala City to the American Embassy there.

There, they will take your statements and they will dispatch you home.

Now, given the incendiary nature of this incident, I suggest we leave immediately.

Sounds good.

So, it's just you. Just Rochelle.

It's not some other official.

No... no, no, uh, additional attaché?

It's a bit unorthodox, but given what we know about you-know-who, I think the most important thing is getting you out of the country quickly and quietly.

And I, Rochelle, am the best candidate for that.

This is a good plan.

Where is the g*n?

It's gone.

You okay?

I'll let you ride shotgun, all right?

[engine starts]

[dogs barking in distance]

[Latin music playing on radio]

Uh, and this, please?

And a pack of cigarettes.

If not now, when?

Oh, and, uh, a pay-as-you-go phone.

Oh, let me get one of those.

Oh, yeah. Me, too.

Yeah, make it four.

Only three left.

You can use mine if you need to.

Guys, text me your numbers.

[cash register beeping]


Did you get it?

Got it.

Those don't make calls for the States.

Just so you know.

Oh, well.

It's still good to have, right?

Yeah, you can call each other.

Did you enjoy your stay?


Really fun.

Wonderful time.

We haven't heard much from Mr. Milo since he retire.

Me drop a package off the other day.

Something he asked me to get for him.

You know if he get it?

A package?

Me put it through the fence.

Me want make sure he get it.

Oh, oh.

Yeah, yeah, he got it.


Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Hey, I just wanted you to know... you did the right thing.

What is he doing?

Hey! What are you doing?

g*dd*mn it.


I got a head... I got a migraine coming on.

I can feel it.

You bring anything for it?

Man, we... we gotta stop.

Um, there... there's a pharmacy in... in town.

My apartment's in the other direction, though.

Why are we going to your apartment?

I have to get something.

Pharmacy, please.

All right, all right, all right.

Turn here.

No, that's not the turn.

Turn here!

Don't touch the wheel!

All right.

That's not the turn.

That is the turn.

That's the turn.


You know, I'm about to get on the road and I wanted to talk to my daughters and I was just hoping I could use your phone.

They're staying with my ex-wife in Chicago.

A whole country full of phones.

Yeah, but, um, you know, I... uh, I wanted to use your phone.

Hi, I'd like to purchase some Valium.

How many?

Comes loose or in a pack of ten.



When in Rome.


Hey, honey, it's Dad. Listen...

To send your message, press one at any time.

Hon... honey, it's... it's... it's Dad.

Your phone keeps cutting me off, but I want...

To send your message, press one at any time.

What the f*ck!

All right.

What... what is she doing up there?

She said she had to get something.

That's what she said.

Maybe she's working for Jesús.

Cobi: Do you trust her?

What, you think she's gonna pop us and leave us on the roadside?

I don't know, that's a lot of money.

$7 million.

$7,618,311 U.S. minus the, uh, 10 that Helena wired us.

She's not motivated by money.

No? Well, what then?

A job well done, the approbation of her superiors, the knowledge that with this little coup, she will have handled the crisis with bravery and aplomb and will ascend ever higher on the ladder to nowhere.

People like her are the reason I quit teaching.

I couldn't stomach the little f*ckers with their pointless ambition.

So our terrible misfortune is a career boon for her.

She did seem pretty f*cking peppy, considering there's a dead lady in the pool.

I don't think she believed me about the g*n.

Yeah, where is it, by the way?

Okay. I'm coming.

Sorry about that.

Thanks for waiting.

I, uh, I notice you don't have diplomatic plates.

Oh, yeah, you, you noticed that.

Well, yeah, no, they're, they're coming next month, apparently.

Hey, uh, the fellas and I had a little bet going, trying to figure out what you were doing up there, what you were getting.

Oh, my passport.

You never walk around Belize with your passport.

That's the Jaguar preserve over there.

It's really amazing, actually.

They're so beautiful up close.

I'm sure you guys are just glad to be going home, though.


Rochelle: You can sleep if you want to.

Lex: Yeah, I was in bands for most of my life, so I'm...

I'm used to late nights.

Up all night, I would only sleep a few hours in a day.

So you were into rock, then.

You were, like, a rock guy or...

Mm-hmm, rock guy.

I've always wondered what that kind of life is like.

Especially when I was younger, you know, like it's time to rebel or...

[laughs] I don't know, I've always been kind of straight and narrow, I guess.

In case you couldn't tell.

That's good.

I think it's good that you're that way.

I sing.


Yeah. I mean, I... I did in chorale.

I love Harmony.

Harmony's wonderful.

Yeah. There's this two-year chorale college and, uh, I was going to go.

But, I don't know, then I was like, what the f*ck am I doing?

You know, I've been accepted to Stanford, for God's sake.

[both chuckle]

Well, you did the right thing.

I am totally passionate about diplomacy.

I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Careerwise, not, you know, Belize, exactly.

Lex: Well, you didn't miss anything, that kind of life or whatever.

It seems like it's the only way to be at the time, but in reality...

You didn't feel free?



I'm sorry if I upset you.

You didn't upset me.

It's all ahead of you. it's all ahead of you, too.

If you want it, right?

Cobi: Sing something.

You guys should sing something together, harmonize.


Like the Captain & Tennille.

I wonder if he still wears that hat.

How they taste? Taste good?

Yeah, they're not so bad if you have no tongue.


Thanks. Good to see you again.

[horns honking]

Child: Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Be careful, guys.

Woman: Come on, just move it!

Why did the refrigerator cross the road?

Woman: Come on, we don't have all day.

We gotta help them.

What do you mean, help them?

Joel: Cobi, we don't have time.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Here, let me help.

H-Hey, hey, I'm here to help.

I am a friend.

Hey! Help!

I can't do this alone!

All right. Hold on.

Watch your fingers, watch your fingers.

Man: Move it!

Okay. We're going up. All right.

All right, come this way.

Watch your head.

I got it.

I got it, I got it. Okay. All right.

Watch out, watch out.

Watch out, watch out, watch out.

Bring it down.

Watch your fingers.


We were going that way.

Can you help us, please?


One, two, buckle your shoe.

Three, four, open the door.

Five, six, picking up sticks.

Seven, eight... ugh.

Nine, ten, do it again.

Okay, here we go.

Please don't dent my roof.

One, two, buckle your shoe.

Three, four, close the door.


One, two, three, four, five, six, seven and eight.

One, two, buckle your shoe.

Three, four, open the door.

Five, six, picking up sticks, seven, eight...

Where do you live?

In the mountains.



Very nice.

I'm going to go home soon, have my lunch.

Kiss your wife.

That's right.

I'm looking for my goats.

Have you seen them? They got little bells on.

Perfect, yes!

I think we got it.

All right.

Good job!

Show's over, Dumpling.

Bye, guys.

Thank you, guys.

Okay, thanks. Bye, yeah, thank you.

Thanks, man.

Thank you. Gracias, thank you.

If you see my goats, tell them it's time to come home.

All right, bye-bye.

I got it.


Hey, man, what's your name?

Hobo Joe.

Hobo Joe. Solid. Hey, what's your name?

Hobo Joe.

You're Hobo Joe, too?

Wow, that's amazing.

I want to be named Hobo Joe.

Stick with Homeless Lex.

f*ck you.

Hey, oh!

Guys, little pitchers have big ears.


You didn't hear that, did you?

No, you... oh, okay, whatever. What's your name, hmm?

Come on.



That's a beautiful name.

♪ Angelina, Angelina ♪
♪ Please bring down your concertina ♪
♪ And play a welcome for me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll be coming home from sea ♪



♪ Hobo Joe, Hobo Joe ♪
♪ You ride the rails and you drink Sterno ♪
♪ Hobo Joe, Hobo Joe ♪
♪ Diabetes gonna take your big toe ♪

Oh, ho, ho!


♪ Angelina, Angelina, please bring down your concertina ♪
♪ And play a welcome for me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll be coming home from sea ♪
Gus: Careful, okay?

Good job.

So this is where you live?

I thought we were bringing this to your house.

You guys don't live here, do you?

Pakt mit dem Teufel. Pakt mit dem Teufel.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no.

Eas... easy, easy, easy!

What, what is he saying?

Teufel, Teufel, Teufel!

[little girl screams]

Hey, cut that out, Hobo Joe 2.

Teufel is a bad man.

"Teufel" means "devil" in German.

Is that what you're saying? Are you saying "devil"?

He cut off your hands.

What are you talking about?

Thank you, misters, thank you, lady.

We got another fridge today.

They didn't even lock the door. How much?

[speaks German]

Family size, always in demand.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier...

[speaking German]

The children told us you had a misfortune.

[speaks German]

What'd he say?

A saw.

[speaking German]


He used to make furniture, but now he does this.


The bad man chopped them off.

The bad man chopped them off, the bad man chopped them off.

I told the children a fairy tale by way of explanation.

The bad man chopped them off.

We couldn't make him hands of silver.

No more detours.

Hello? Mr. Milo!


[speaking German]

Okay, guys, let's get going.

Border awaits.


No, no, okay, okay.

Whoa. It's okay, it's okay.


No, no, Angelina, please.


I'm coming. It's okay, it's okay.

Please, Ange...

No, no, no.

Okay. Here, please, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Hey, she'll be okay.

Street kids here, they... I don't know.

They manage, you know?

Yeah. Just let them scavenge.

Nothing we can do.

Are you saying that there's something I personally can do?

No, I'm saying the embassy.

I mean, there's an American presence in this country.

Yet the kids, everywhere we go, they're begging.

Some of them probably being exploited.

It's not our purview.

Right, so we don't care. I get it.

Again, do you mean me personally?

Yes, you. I'm saying you.


Hey, how much longer?

About an hour.

So, uh, what's next for you after... after Belize?

I don't know yet. You just get assigned.

You seem pretty fluent in German.

Actually, I speak five languages.

Six if you count Romanian, which I don't.

And Latin.

I'm sure you've kind of thought of, like, an ideal scenario.

I have.

You going to share it?

I find your line of questioning odd.

My line of... for just... for taking an interest in...

You know, I'm sorry for being curious.

Non-apology apology.

I don't have anything to apologize for.

Then don't say sorry.

Listen, I'm just saying I know what it's like to be a minority in a competitive field.

It's called relating.

You can make a request, though, right?

I mean, this whole thing, getting us to the border and everything and securing the drug money, you can pretty much write your own ticket after this, right?

What are you insinuating?

That you're ambitious and that's a good thing.

Rochelle, they're just jealous 'cause you're gonna actually do something with your life.

Listen, I have done a lot more with my life than you, okay?

And I've done it with a hell of a lot more opposition than you.

Yeah, play the race card, win the argument.

Who said anything... look, first of all, race is not a card.

It's an experience.

Okay, now that we've got that clear, do you have any idea how much overcompensating I have to do to make people like Rochelle feel comfortable?

Excuse me.

What, you don't think women spend their lives making men feel comfortable?

Be nice. Smile.

Ha, oh, no, I'm sorry, you were talking.

Don't get emotional, don't get angry.

Yes, please explain it to me.

No, I'm... I'm not a threat.

Oh, absolutely, gosh, I would love to suck your d*ck.


Oh, by the way, thanks for staring at my legs earlier.


[chuckles] My eyes happened to be in this general area.


Um, wait, was...

Wasn't that the... the turnoff, uh, San Pedro?

Yeah, that's where you said the Coast Guard station was.

I'm gonna take you across the border now while it's light and then I'll take the money to the Coast Guard station later.

But that's not what you said originally.

Well, originally, we weren't going to drop off a refrigerator at a Mennonite fencing operation.

Listen, when you visually assess a woman, that is threatening, okay?

Yes, you, by the mere fact that you could overpower her if you wanted to.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe, as a woman alone in a car with four strange men, that your entitled gaze is, in fact, hostile?

I'm sorry... that you chose to wear a skirt and by the transitive power of vision I saw your knee.

I chose to wear a skirt because it's 90 degrees out, you assh*le.

Hey, you know what?

I think we should go back to the, uh, Coast Guard station.

I want to see you drop that money off.

So just turn around wherever you can.

You did say that we were going to go to the...

You're not in charge here!

Okay, look, I understand that you took a lot of women's study classes at Stanford and that even though you've had ever possible opportunity, you still need to identify yourself as a victim.

I got that, okay, cool.

But let me just get something clear, I do not, no, want to r*pe you.

In fact, I wouldn't r*pe you with Lex's d*ck.


Oh, hey! Have I gone too far?

I'm sorry.

Lex, are you gonna show her what a good guy you are now?

Hey, by the way, your boyfriend back here wasn't always this sensitive.

Hey, it's time to stop.

Time... the voice of authority.

Time to stop, okay?

What the...?

Okay, it's time to stop.

Will you cut it out?

Cobi, Cobi!

What the... stop!

Stop it! Stop it.


Enough! Enough!

Cobi, sit down.

Cut it out!

Oh, shit.

Get out of my car! Get out! Everybody out!

Get the f*ck out of my car!

All right.

All right.

All right.

Jesus Christ.

What's up with the f*cking slapping?

Stay away from me.

Uh, so, um... should we walk from here, or...?

Okay, get back in the car.

Get back... get back in the car!

Get back in the car! Get back in the car!

[engine starts]

[tires screeching]


Wait. Where are we going?

I have to pee.

This is f*cking creepy.

So she just knew exactly where to turn, exact road to go down?

She has to take a piss.

She can't just squat on the side of the road.

Hey, I'm not comfortable leaving the money with her.

You're not comfortable leaving the money, period.

What's to say she won't take it?

She's a nice girl. She's a regular girl.

She ain't that nice.

You heard the shit she had to say.

You provoked her.

I didn't provoke shit.

You provoked her.

My point is, she's not going to steal seven million Euros.

Maybe she'd just take one million.

Yeah, exactly.

Let her f*cking take... let her take one, two, three...

What the f*ck do I care?

I just want to get to the border.

I want to go home.

You know, one... one would be smart.

I bet you she speaks French.

Swiss bank accounts, accrue interest, retire at 35.

And what difference would that make?

Look, we earned that money.

I wouldn't go that far.

Hey, you have PTSD. Yeah.

Joel, he's walking around like a f*cking zombie.

My shoulder's f*cked. Pain and suffering, pal.

So you want to keep the money now and... and what?

I... I don't know.

I just don't want her to have it.

She doesn't want it.


[goat bleats]

Hey, it's the goats.

The goats.


The goats.

Cobi: See?

His brain, completely gone.

How'd they get this far?

He's like a ret*rd at a petting zoo.

Do you think it's them?

Uh, I don't know, man.

I mean, what are the chances, right?

They got the bells, though.

Come on, goats.

Yes, that's it.


Go home, go home. That's it, home!


She's been gone a long time.





Rochelle, it's just us! Not the Teufel.







Oh, oh, my God.

Oh, shit! Shit.

Oh, my God.

What is that?

It's a cave.

No, that is one big-ass hole.

Do you think the goats went over the edge?

Oh, who cares about the f*cking goats?


Oh, hey.


Oh, yeah, she's definitely the type that'd have a travel pack of Kleenex.

We should go down there.


We should try! I'm gonna try!

No, no.

We can't leave her down there!

Maybe she's not down there, Lex.

You think she just went for a stroll?

I don't see anything.


You hear something?

She couldn't have survived.

We can't leave her there.

There's no way down.

There's one way down.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Maybe we missed her.

Maybe when we were headed this way, she was headed back that way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[animals chattering]


She took the keys.


We should get our stuff and start walking.

Well, shouldn't we contact someone?

Shouldn't... shouldn't we tell someone so they could at least come and get the body?


Maybe... when... when we're safe, we can...



Split four ways?

$1,922,000 U.S., minus the 10 that Helena wired.

Look at you. It's like you willed this.

You're like... you're like a f*cking black magician.

Lex, come on, Lexie.


If anybody willed it, it's Joel.

He's the one who called the goats.


Open a shell company.


Offshore accounts.

No! No! This is wrong!

This is f*cking wrong!

She was trying to help us!

We can't leave her body there.

We can't just leave her in a f*cking hole.

It's despicable!

We can't help her.

No one wanted this to happen, but it has.

So I set up the shell company, offshore accounts.

We transfer the money once, transfer it twice, and the money's in our respective Cayman accounts early Tuesday morning.

I don't want that money.

I'll put your share in an interest-accruing instant access account, Lex.

If you need it, it's there.

[Latin music playing]

You guys okay?

Uh... we need to get to the border.


My cousin can take you. He's a fisherman.

He's going to do a delivery for me tonight.


Some of us don't have passports.

Oh, no matter.

The fishing boats go back and forth all the time.

No checkpoint. Just reach.

Climb in.


Thank you.

Milo? Milo?

The gate was open.

Do you want me to set up out here?


[Latin music playing]

Hey, do you think those guys are in love?

If they are, they've got a lot to overcome, I'll tell you that.

Complete opposites, except for the white pants.

Good luck, ax guy, oar guy.

Hope it all works out for you.

I wish I knew what it said at the bottom.

"We are registered at Crate and Barrel."

[both laugh]

I don't understand putting anything down in Latin.

Sub Umbra Floreo.

Under the shadow, we flourish.

¡Vámonos! ¡Vámonos!

[man coughing]

Man: No. No, no, no, no, no.

[speaking Spanish]

♪ ♪

Girl: ♪ Brown-skin girl, stay home and mind baby ♪
♪ Brown-skin girl, stay home and mind baby ♪

Girls: ♪ I'm going away in a sailing boat ♪
♪ And if I don't come back... ♪

Hey! How much longer?

About 30 minutes!

♪ Stay home and mind baby ♪
♪ Brown-skin girl, stay home and mind baby ♪
♪ I'm going away in a sailing boat ♪
♪ And if I don't come back ♪
♪ Throw away the damn baby ♪
♪ Brown-skin girl, stay home and mind baby ♪
♪ Brown-skin girl, stay home and mind baby ♪
♪ I'm going away in a sailing boat ♪
♪ And if I don't come back, throw away the damn baby ♪
♪ Brown-skin girl, stay home and mind baby ♪
♪ Brown-skin girl, stay home and mind baby ♪
♪ I'm going away in a sailing boat ♪
♪ And if I don't come back, throw away the damn baby ♪

["Angelina" by Harry Belafonte playing]

Man: ¡Han entrado una zona cuarentena!

You have entered an infectious zone.


Quarantine! Quarantine!

¡Prepárense para ser abordados!

Prepare to be boarded.

♪ And play a welcome for me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll be coming home from sea ♪
♪ I say Angelina, Angelina ♪
♪ Please bring down your concertina ♪
♪ And play a welcome for me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll be coming home from sea ♪
♪ Yes, it's so long since I've been home ♪
♪ Seems like there's no place to roam ♪
♪ Well, I've sailed around the horn ♪
♪ I've been from San Jose up to Baffin Bay ♪
♪ And I've rode out many a storm, yes ♪
♪ Angelina, Angelina ♪
♪ Please bring down your concertina ♪
♪ And play a welcome for me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll be coming home from sea, yeah ♪
♪ Angelina, Angelina ♪
♪ Please bring down your concertina ♪
♪ And play a welcome for me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll be coming home from sea ♪
♪ Well, I've heard the bawdy tunes ♪
♪ I've been in h*nky tonk saloons ♪
♪ I took my liquor by the vat ♪
♪ Well, I stayed on call for a rousing brawl ♪
♪ Home was where I hung my hat, oh ♪
♪ Angelina, Angelina ♪
♪ Please bring down your concertina ♪
♪ And play a welcome for me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll be coming home from sea, yes ♪
♪ Angelina, Angelina ♪
♪ Please bring down your concertina ♪
♪ And play a welcome for me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll be coming home from sea ♪
♪ Now I've courted many a girl ♪
♪ I've been in ports all around the world ♪
♪ But my rambling days are done ♪
♪ I've been from Curacao up to Tokyo ♪
♪ And I've found there's only one ♪
♪ And she's Angelina, Angelina ♪
♪ Please bring down your concertina ♪
♪ And play a welcome for me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll be coming home from sea ♪
♪ Yes, Lordy ♪
♪ Angelina, Angelina ♪
♪ Please bring down your concertina ♪
♪ And play a welcome for me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll be coming home from sea ♪
♪ Yes, sir ♪
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