01x03 - Funeral

[bunniefuu]

♪ And the virgin's breast was exposed to the dress ♪

Both: Boo!

Ahh!

[both laugh]

What a sensual fall.

What the hell are you guys doing?

Playing Boo.

I'm winning.

You guys are gonna hurt someone.

Ooh, good idea, Billie.

Extra points to make someone fall down.

Yes, yes, yes.

[both laughing]

Hey, did you know that Bigfoot's an interdimensional time traveler?

Get out of my room!

We'll talk about it later.

[smooches]

[sighs]

Chet!

[singing in Spanish]

Boo!

Ah, jeez!

Ah! Oh!

[laughing]

[bass music]

Boo!

Ahh! Ahh!

[laughing]

Joy, I need help out of this.

I think you're still winning.

What? No flipping way.

Give it to me.

But not for long.

Watch this.

[rock music]

[engine revving]

Boo!

You won.

♪ We're too gangsta for TV

♪ That's why you don't see us ♪
♪ But they still wanna be us ♪

Ha ha!

[clock chimes]

I can't believe you're wearing that shirt to the funeral.

Why, is it too tight? Can you see my nipples?

No, it's okay. You know what?

[doorbell rings]

She's coming. Cross...

Stop.

Don't jiggle my tits.

I'm not jiggling your tits.

You jiggled it.

Don't molest me.

I'm not mo...

Hi, Virginia. How are you?

I wasn't molesting her.

Let's make this snappy.

I have to get home and sign divorce papers so my husband can start his new life with my sister.

Come on.

The alarm will be off, but the GPS will still be enabled.

I'm sorry about your sister.

Thank you.

Your first soul mate is your sister.

Yeah, exactly.

Must have really, like, knocked your socks off, you know.

I feel shaken.

Yeah.

I'm sorry too.

[gasps] What the hell... what...

What did you say?

That was hurtful.

Oh, I was saying I'm sorry, too, for your sister.

Ah, ah, no.

My poor sister?

That's who you're sorry for in this scenario.

I think what this stupid idiot was trying to say was you were talking about GPS.

Thank you.

Yeah. So...

If you go off route, because the GPS is still enabled, the police will be notified.

Mm-hmm.

Other than that, you've got four hours, which should be ample time for the service and the round trip.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Have a great time at your friend's funeral.

Thank you.

Sure.

I will.

[sighs]

Last one to the car's a bitch, 'cause it's you.

[laughs]

Okay.

All right, thank you. [clattering]

So much for... oops.

That's... never mind that. I'll get it.

I'll let you get that, yeah.

It's an ornate ball.

Um, Virginia, could I... sorry.

Hi, can I just ask you...

I'm not gonna take her for you.

Okay. Um...

Can I just tell you, just between friends, I...

Friends?

Let's not put a label on it.

I just... I had a very traumatic childhood experience at a funeral, and I think if I go, I might have a panic att*ck.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Let me ask you something, okay, while we're sharing.

Mm-hmm.

Have you ever walked in on your husband nosediving your sister in your marital bed?

Uh, no... uh?

Right up in there?

No. I had a cat that moved in with my neighbor...

Have her back by 6:00.

Okay.

Bye.

Oh, bye.

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪

Ooh, turn left. There's a water park.

You missed it.

We have to stay on this road.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, State Farm. There's probably a petting zoo.

Let's stop.

We don't have time, okay?

We're not going anywhere except for the funeral.

Why are you so sweaty?

I'm not sweaty.

I'm just concentrating on getting there.

- Turn right on Glen Road.

Oh, God!

You okay?

Yeah.

No, it's Chunky Cheese!

I have to pee.

[sighs] Hold it.

I can't. It's slippery.

It's not slippery.

There's a bathroom at Chunky Cheese's, and they've got moving animals.

Let's stop.

Absolutely not.

Please.

I'm just saying I have to make wet.

No, you're just saying you'd rather go to a rat-themed restaurant than your best friend's funeral.

You're avoiding.

Oh, my gosh.

That's like the least true thing anyone's ever said, okay, because I'm frickin' psyched to go to Chet's funeral.

You shouldn't be psyched either.

This is serious, okay?

I mean, look at what you're wearing.

Don't tell me how to grieve!

[relaxing music playing]

I still have to one.

Okay.

[relaxing instrumental music]

[woman singing in Spanish]

♪

[exhaling sharply]

[sighs] Calm down.

Call it up.

Oh, God.

Relax. It's just me.

I know.

Here, have a juice box.

Thank you.

[clears throat]

Oh, that's not juice. It's wine.

Yeah, duh.

Everybody knows that "juice" is code for "wine."

Look, I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier.

Oh, it's okay.

You're not the coolest person. I get that.

Can I tell you something?

No. Wait. Yeah.

Eh...

Okay.

Um, when I was five, at my grandmother's funeral, my mom told me to go give her a kiss good-bye, so I did, but her casket was on this lowering mechanism thingy, so they had to get me a stool so I could reach her.

And when I leaned in to kiss her, I fell in, and the casket shut behind me, and they couldn't get it open, so I was just trapped in there with my dead grandmother for 15 minutes, and I haven't been to a funeral since.

And?

And then the cast of "Friends" showed up.

Really? The whole cast?

Wait, was Gunther there?

No.

'Cause it doesn't count if he wasn't.

Forget it. Let's just go do this thing.

Fine.

Wait.

What?

Okay, we won't go.

Chet won't care that we're not gonna be there.

And, like, you're all freaked about your grandma, and my hat's stupid, and you got me all in my head about my shirt, so...

You know what? I... yeah, hmm.

Mm, yes, now that I...

What?

I like it. It's nice.

Yeah.

I don't know.

No, I think it's a really nice way to capture the moment, okay?

Yeah. Wait.

Gene.

Okay, we should go.

Yeah.

I mean, Chet would be totally bummed if I wasn't there.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

I mean, why didn't you think of that?

I didn't think...

I shouldn't not go.

So we'll go?

I'm his best friend.

Yeah.

Billie?

Yes.

It'd be crazy if I wasn't there.

Okay.

Wait.

Stop doing that, please, okay?

Okay.

No.

Pull into the parking lot over there.

I'll meet you outside in ten.

Where are you going?

I have to fix this, for Chet.

Wait, no...

Ten!

I'm gonna vomit. [grunts]

[relaxing music]

"Pairing suggestions: lukewarm lentil soup."

Where is she?

♪ I'm going to my grandma's house... me ♪

♪

[music intensifying]

[rock music]

♪
♪ Ho, ah, ah

♪
♪ Ow

You look sharp.

Thank you.

I mean, it smells a little armpit-y, but that's rental territory for you.

Where are all my juice boxes?

Hey, will you make sure Chet's coffin doesn't eat me?

Wilhelmina...

Brown.

Brown.

Wilhelmina Brown, you're drunk.

I'm not.

You are too.

Prove it.

Name all the states in America in alphabetical order.

Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas...

Reverse order.

Wyoming, Wisconsin, West...

Australian accent.

[imitating Australian accent] West Virginia.

In the style of Anthony Hopkins in "Legends of the Fall."

[muffled] Virginia, Vermont.

Whistle.

Hoot.

Give me the keys.

Let's do this.

No, you're on that side now.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, hoo.

You drank them all.

Pshew.

Selfish.

[relaxing music]

Get in the car, Billie!

Whoo-whee!

No, open the do...

Oh, gosh, everyone can see.

It looks like we're only eight miles away.

Hey, uh, what do you think about this?

Is this dr*gs?

What? No. Have you ever seen dr*gs?

No, that's my eulogy, stupid.

Read it, stupid.

What are you doing?

"Loaf, poon"...

What? "Life, pain."

"Life, pain, all the crazy pain, the planet's soul is dog [bleep]. Way to go, Chet. Way to bust out of this skin prison."

Well, keep going, till you get to the sad part.

That's the best part.

"You're all gonna be here someday, dead, dead as my best friend, Chet. You... point to the oldest person in the crowd... will probably die first."

No, the "point to the oldest person" is a stage direction.

Oh, yeah, I think we should tone this down a little bit.

Forget it. It's stupid.

It is not stupid.

I mean, it is, but I'll help you.

How are you gonna help me? You're wasted.

I am not wasted.

If I was wasted, could I do this?

[relaxing music playing]

You didn't do anything.

Oh.

Panera Bread.

Get out of the way, car!

Now it smells like Panera soup bowl in here.

Slow down.

I can't. We got to get there. I'm gonna take a shortcut.

No, we're not that late. Don't... don't turn.

The turn is part of the shortcut, Billie.

- Rerouting.

Ooh, ooh, she says no.

Okay, well, I know better than her, so...

- Turn right.

Ooh, she caught you.

She's a stupid lady doing a stupid voice-over in a stupid booth!

Now shut the [bleep] up and eat your [bleep] soup so I can [bleep] drive!

[tires screech]

Ooh!

[sighing]

[rock music]

♪
♪ Ho, ah, ah

♪
♪ Ow

♪

Hey, watch yourself.

You'll get joker mouth. I just cleaned you up.

I'm gonna miss Chet.

He made me feel like I could walk on water.

He really did want to sex with you, huh?

[chuckles]

Yeah.

I wonder if me and...

Hmm?

No, no.

Ah.

Holy crap.

What?

The funeral starts in 20...

No, no, no, ten... no, ten minutes!

Okay, all right, no more stops only unless they're completely necessary, all right?

Yeah.

The bare necessities here.

Yeah, yeah, the basic bananas.

Code red, level five-type...

[bleep]. Paint your own ceramics!

Yeah!

[relaxing music]

♪

Nice. It's very primary.

Both: ♪ We're going to a funeral ♪
♪ We ain't suits, we're in suits ♪
♪ We're going to a funeral ♪
♪ We ain't ♪

[spits]

Stop!

[tires screech]

Who would just leave him out here like this?

He's already dead.

Nothing anyone could do.

[melancholy music]

Billie, Billie, what are you doing?

I'm taking him with us.

Don't touch him.

He deserves a proper burial like a normal, decent coyote!

[sobbing] All he ever wanted was a friend!

All he ever wanted was someone to say, "Hey, coyote", I like you. You were nice to me."

Or like, "Hey, don't play Boo with this big truck, coyote."

"What are you thinking?

"I know you want to win the game, but there's consequences, you know?"

Exactly.

Or maybe that was me.

Maybe Chet was my one chance at true love, and now he's splattered all over the g*dd*mn asphalt road!

Billie, no.

Don't, Billie! Stop it!

[grunts]

Now, I am sorry for Mr. Coyote.

I am.

But I am not dishonoring Chet by showing up with this bloody, disgusting, freak show of an animal carcass.

♪

[music intensifying]

♪

Yeah.

[rock music]

♪
♪ Ho, ah, ah

♪
♪ Ow

[no audible dialogue]

♪

"And in the last days, it shall be God declares that 'I will pour forth out my spirit upon all flesh and your sons, and your daughters'"...

This is it. Nice shoes.

"'Who came up against some'"...

Thank you for your loss.

Is this seat taken?

I like your shoes. They're very nice.

I'm ecstatic for your loss.

You need to be quiet.

Is one of you Genevieve Russell?

Oh, that's totally me. The priest knows my name.

How cool is that? How'd you know?

Because this ceremony ended 15 minutes ago, and we've been waiting for a Genevieve Russell to deliver the final eulogy.

Oh, sh**t. Okay, yeah. Coming.

Where's the thing?

What thing?

[whispers] The paper.

The eulogy. Where is it?

I don't have it.

I don't have it. Just wing it.

I can't.

Just wing it.

I'm not gonna wing it.

I'm not a bird.

Then do it. Go, go.

[whispering] All right. What's wrong with your voice?

Why can't you whisper?

I don't know. I don't know.

Hey, you're the truck driver guy, right?

You're the guy that k*lled Chet?

Yes.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh, that's okay, man.

Hey, I, uh... can I ask you a question?

Were you scared?

Did he scare you, even a bit?

He scared the [bleep] out of me.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah, he did.

Ma'am?

Coming.

Whoo! Yay, Gene. Yay, Ge...

Okay. That's enough, Billie.

Hey, everybody.

How's it going?

Um, sorry I'm late.

Not the sort of thing you want to hurry up and get to, am I right?

[laughs]

[clears throat]

Chet Bingham was a maker of apps and a lover of shadow government conspiracy theory.

He was my friend, and I, uh...

I don't have a lot of those, so losing one is really hard.

He... he was a...

Sorry.

He was a... [speaks gibberish]

Yeah.

He was a... [speaking gibberish]

He was a... [speaks gibberish]

[speaking gibberish]

[gasps] To know!

He was a... [speaking gibberish]

Okay.

What I'm trying to say is...

[speaking gibberish]

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Move, sir. Please.

I got this.

[speaking gibberish]

Okay.

[speaks gibberish]

[mouths words]

I'm sorry.

I feel like an idiot. Move your Bible.

Move your Bible.

Jesus.

Hold this with your...

What?

Hold it with your holy hands.

[clears throat]

I have never seen anyone try and evade the pain of loss as much as this woman has today.

What's up?

Is it because she's a bad person?

Yes.

No. Is it because she has the maturity of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, a TMNT? No.

It is because her heart is as big as Chet's head in this poster behind me, which, if I am not mistaken, has been sneaking up this whole time trying to push me in the coffin!

What? No.

No, sir! You won't have me!

No. Billie. Someone. Someone.

Stop it!

Get her off of there!

You will never...

Get her off. Don't...

Billie.

I'll k*ll you!

Billie!

[screaming]

Get off of him!

You're not gonna take me with you!

Get off of him.

I'm embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed now, please.

Don't look at me.

Sorry about that scene.

This was Chet's favorite food.

The first time he had a Gunny Worm, he said they're almost as good as the real thing.

[melancholy piano music]

Enjoy, buddy.

These are croutons from Chet's favorite chain restaurant, Panara Bread.

Panera.

And this is Chet's favorite alcohol, boxed wine, or, as he liked to call it, the loose juice, which was always funny when he said it because of his esses.

♪

[lisping] Drink up, sailor.

I know. You're Hank's dad.

Yeah, you are.

And this, this is a plate that I hand-painted today at Paint Your Own Ceramics.

It's part of the reason I was tardy.

That's me with the yellow hair, and that's Chet, and we're dancing in the sunset.

And I have a glow around me 'cause I've got radiant skin.

And he's got a glow around him 'cause he's a new ghost.

And on the back it says, "Best Friends Forever," 'cause I will never have another friend like Chet again, and I'm really scared about that.

♪

[plate shatters]

Damn it. Okay.

[sighs]

I'll miss you, buddy.

Everyone be cool about this.

What? No, Billie, don't.

[all gasping]

Should we go?

Yeah.

Is there an after-party? Or...

You'll let me know, yeah?

We should get going.

We only have 15 minutes left to get back.

Yeah, can I just have a few more minutes alone?

Of course.

[sighs]

What am I gonna do without you, bud?

Ugh. Leave me alone.

What?

I said leave me alone.

I don't need you, Patrick.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Don't pick me up. You know what?

I hope a truck full of Mexicans come by and I get G-banged by all of 'em.

And that's on you!

It's not on me! That's on you!

That's what I hope.

Hello? Dang it.

Whatever, you're just mad because I play saxophone.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm Gene.

I know.

I saw your speech.

Thanks.

Yeah, you're welcome.

So what are you doing after you're done here?

Um...

Nothing. What about you?

Oh, I'm on house arrest, so I got to get home.

Oh.

You know how it is.

I know.

But I got an extra seat in my car.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Maybe I could give you a lift or you can come over and hang out?

Do I have to wear a seat belt?

No, man, never.

Oh, yes.

Okay, let's do it.

Oh, are you done?

I'm my boss.

You make your own hours?

Yeah.

So what's your name?

Pamela.

Oh. Pamela, how do you feel about the name Chet?

Don't love it.

Cheddar?

I don't know.

It's too, like, "8 Mile," like Eminem.

Yeah, yeah, I see that.

Yeah.

How about New Chet?

I really just prefer Pamela.

Well, I have the car, so maybe you go by New Chet.

Did somebody say my name?

Oh, there you go. Okay.

That a girl.

Yeah.

Both: ♪ We went to a funeral ♪
♪ We ain't suits, we're in suits ♪

All: ♪ We went to a funeral ♪
♪ We ain't suits, we're in suits ♪

Gene, why is the gravedigger in the back seat?

Oh, that's New Chet.

Don't worry. She's cool.

There's a lot of animal blood back here.

Yeah.

Mind your business.